X. Essence Of The Heart

The rain continued to pour down on the small town of Ponyville for hours to come, soaking the ground and preventing the residents to do much with their day. Most ponies stayed inside with their families and friends, waiting until the ceaseless discharge finally stopped. Eventually, the onslaught of rain ceased and the dark clouds that hung above the village dissipated and dispersed, allowing the Sun to beam over the town; and bathe it in bountiful light. Ponies began leaving their homes and were happy to find that the Sun has reached its zenith, shining down on the world and watching its denizens.

I stared listlessly out at the small town of Ponyville, my face exempt of any emotion, although the closest feeling to what I am feeling is helplessness and uselessness. I feel as though my life, as I knew it, is a lie and just a shell of what it could have been. I lived a majority of my life thinking I was impressing my parents and that they were proud of me, but the words of my brother rang in my mind, reminding me of the feeble lie that I used to make myself feel loved and wanted. His words could be interpreted as him just being facetious and furious, but even in the worst of situations, he would never lie nor would he exaggerate. He is an honest stallion.

I clung to Princess Celestia as a role model because she was the closest thing to being perfect. She is beautiful, intelligent, benevolent, generous, and is not afraid of doing something she doesn't want to for the sake of fixing a problem. The older I got, the more I realized that no pony is perfect, and I was testament to that. Tartarus, I still am a testament to that. But, right now, I don't feel imperfect; I feel like a failure. My father is gone, I haven't spoken to my mother in years, and my brother hates me enough to try to kill me. Sure, I have a wonderful marefriend who I wouldn't dare leave, and several good friends, but what's the point in all of that when I, myself, isn't happy?

I never claimed to have an easy life, because it's the farthest from the truth. I've been abused, neglected, raped, beaten, insulted, and nearly killed in the short time I've been alive. For the most part, I had the strength to carry on and deal with the repercussions those actions have brought, but now… That faux strength is crumbling and falling down around me, and I now that I realize that my life isn't one that I entirely wanted, I find myself in a predicament; I’m tired, I need sleep, and I need some alcohol in my belly. I've never been one to get drunk for the sake of getting drunk, but I think the situation calls for it. I need some time to think and mull over my thoughts.

I've never been one to indulge in harmful substances, neither have I really condoned it, but I guess I would be a hypocrite to judge other ponies for their relationship with drugs; I used to drink all the time, and I haven't been drunk in years, but I do find myself smoking the odd cigarette every so often. Moth’s cigar was the first tobacco product I had in months, and I suppose I didn't really miss it all that much. But, I do enjoy the lightheaded feeling I get when I smoke a cigarette or cigar. Funnily enough, Moth is the one to blame for me even smoking in the first place, but I wouldn't dare place the blame on her. It was my own stupid decision to start, she was just the tipping point.

My mind drifted to the conversation I partook in with Moth, and the rude way I ended it. The more rational section of my labyrinth of a brain refused to end the talk, but the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach combined with the vile emotions I’m still feeling won over and I ended it abruptly, most likely pissing off Moth and upsetting Cheesecake. And I hate to say admit it, but besides Eclipse, those two mares are the closest thing I have to resembling a family; a dysfunctional, insane family full of misfits and miscreants, but a family nonetheless. And right now, what I need right now is a family, even if two members of this supposed makeshift family are miles away.

A slight glimmer resonated from the pendant, the Sun shimmering off of its golden finish, highlighting its intricate details and engravings. Shooting a glance to the pendant in the frog of my hoof, I allowed a sigh to escape my muzzle as I mulled over my options. Of course, it shouldn't be very hard to come to a decision considering I only really have two choices, but I should still take the time to really think over what is available and decide what I could use the most right now, disregarding my personal feelings for the moment. Sometimes, a mind is divided between what you want and what you need, and that's one of those times, unfortunately.

One; I could go search for Eclipse, wherever she went, and invite her to go grab a drink at a local bar. Of course, she wouldn't able to have many, considering, you know, possible foal. But, even if I didn't have to worry about that, she gets extremely horny and aggressive when she is drunk, and since she already is going through Estrus, I would probably die along my sperm we would be so used and exhausted… I think I’m straying away from the topic at hoof… Afterwards, once I deem if she is sober enough, I promised I would relieve her so she doesn't do stupid and later lives to regret it… Wait. That makes me think… Would she really do that to relieve an itch?

Against my better judgement, and an overall sentiment of not wanting to think about it, my wandered and was brought to a line of thought that I really did not care for; Would Eclipse cheat on me to relieve an itch since I couldn't help her myself? I mean, when I saw her last, which was nearly three hours ago, she was extremely fidgety and had it bad. It was a test of pure will and strength not to rut her right there due to the scent she was permeating, and I’m glad I didn't act on it… Regardless, I promised her I would help her immediately after Rarity got done with the skull attachment, and all she had to do was wait an hour or two; even if it has been longer than what I originally perceived.

Wait… She immediately went and walked over to talk to Forgetful, completely ignoring Midnight, who had it just as bad as Eclipse, if not, moreso. And the way they kept looking at me as if they were trying to gauge if I was glancing at them or not… And then they left, not saying a word to me or anypony else, and so far, they haven't returned. Unless… No, no. Eclipse wouldn't do that to me, would she? I mean, I like to think I make a good coltfriend and help her out as much as I can, but… If she was really willing to do that, does that mean I’m not satisfactory? Well, I know I am in bed, but what about in general? I do my best to be kind to her and treat her nice, and not keep secrets from her, but… Would she be willing to do the same thing to me?

I shut my eyes tightly as I exhaled through my nostrils heavily, the cool, soothing Fall breeze entering my body via my nose. Celestia’s pride and joy beamed down on me from the top of the world, and I basked in its warm glow as an unexplainable emotion wormed its way into my mind, slithering through the sections of my head and erasing all traces of my previous feelings, leaving me with one familiar, but rare emotion that I've only felt a few times before… Rage. I feel furious, I can see red and feel steam rising through my body like a hissing pot of tea that's far past its boiling. I was pissed off, and for what reason, I couldn't tell. Tears of anguish clawed out of my eyes as I choked back a sob, the unexplainable rage evaporating to be replaced by overwhelming stress and agony.

Clutching the golden pendant in my hoof tightly and pressing it to my chest, I broke down for the third time that day and sobbed openly, not caring if other ponies saw me crying in public. Tears cascaded down my face, matting my fur as I covered my mouth with a fetlock. I cried for what I've been through the past few days, for my father and mother, for my brother who despises me now, and for Eclipse. In only a short time span, I've nearly died due to the White Tail, gone deaf in my left ear, thought I saw my team die before my eyes, and seen and heard horrors nopony should have to. And I wailed for a simple fact that plagues me; it can only go downhill from here, the worst is yet to come.

We have yet to find Princess Luna, and bring her home to a worried Princess Celestia, and everytime I look to that bright, white orb in the sky at night, that feeling of dread only seems to increase and progress; it only be a matter of time until somepony gazes at it for too long and commits suicide over the feeling. And not to mention, we still have to travel to the Badlands and assassinate the Supreme Overlord of the changelings, Nefastus… Our lives are on the line in this mission, not to say they weren't on other missions, but this is easily the worst mission we've ever been assigned. And it's only been a few days at the most, and we lost one of our own.

“Dusk, what's wrong?” Twilight’s voice echoed in my ear as the door to the library swung open, slighting banging against the wall. I turned hesitantly towards the source of her voice and watched as she approached me quickly, sliding on her hooves as she reached me. I never usually do this, and it's a rare occasion when I actually do, but I wrapped my hooves around her neck and shoved my face into her chest as I wept loudly, my sobs muffled by the fur of her coat. Twilight brought me closer as she pulled me into her chest and embraced me, rocking me back and forth as she whispered sweet nothings into my only functional ear. I basked in the warmth that her coat shared and felt her fur brushing against mine as I sobbed.

I don't know how long we were there for, but Twilight held me as I let out my frustration for the third time that day into her chest, and assured me of everything being alright and fine. Eventually, when there was no more tears to cry and my throat croaked at an attempt to produce more sobs, I let go of the unicorn and rubbed my face with my hooves as Twilight let go of me, patting me on the back with her hoof. My wings fluttered at the contact and I offered a grateful smile as I stood up to my full height, letting my long mane mask my bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. The purple mare got back up on her hooves as well and not opening her mouth to say anything, ushered me inside of the library without a word from either of us.

Our hooves clip-clopped on the wooden floor and echoed throughout the tree as we entered the house, protected from the onslaught of rain that seems to not want to end. I sniffled as Twilight flashed me a smile before glancing up at the three ponies walking down the stairs, all of them sporting a big grin; The unicorn seemed to frown for a split-second before turning to me with a warm expression on her face. “If you need to talk, Dusk, let me know. I’m your friend and you seem like you could use it.” I nodded halfheartedly as my response, and that seemed to be good enough for the mare. She opened her mouth to say something before her lips connected back together and she walked away to meet with Fluttershy and Rarity.

“Hey, Dusk,” Eclipse cheerily exclaimed, trotting up to me and hugging me tightly before leaning back and pecking me on the lips lightly. “Oh no, is everything alright?” She asked me as she assessed my face, spotting my wet cheeks and red eyes. I blinked at her as I noticed she wasn't fidgeting around anymore, neither was she dancing on her hoof. Sighing shakily, I hesitantly smelled the air and around her when she wasn't paying attention, and my heart jumped in my chest when she wasn't permeating that familiar stench. I darted my eyes to Midnight, who appeared much better like Eclipse, and then finally to Forgetful, whose lips were curved upwards into a large, satisfied grin.

No. No. No. I-It can't be! I subconsciously backed away from Eclipse as I backpedaled towards the three Element bearers, fear and fury gripping my mind as I left the pegasus, who seemed to notice my erratic behavior and started walking towards me. But, with every step she took forwards, was one I took backwards, until eventually my flank pressed up against a couch. I twisted my head and glanced at Twilight pleadingly. “T-Twilight, can I borrow some bits, p-please?!” I requested frantically as my thoughts became muddled at the implication of Eclipse's actions, and I just wanted to get out of this library as soon as possible, far away from these ponies for the time being until I can control myself and my emotions.

“Uh, sure…?” Twilight says before her horn activated, a purple aura surrounding it and in a flash, a small bag full with bits appeared before me. The contents of the bag clattered around inside and hit each other with several clinks before I snatched it out of the air with my hoof and I stuck it under my right wing, lodging it in between my barrel and wing, securing it before I shot an appreciative glance at her as I trotted away from her and Eclipse, the former looking confused and the latter calling out to me with a pleading glint in her eyes. Without any further hesitation, I pivoted around and nearly slipped as I galloped out of the library, the rain greeting me as I ran into the town at a fast pace, my chest heaving as I swiveled around.

Taking a moment to catch my breath, I scanned my surroundings whilst the rain continued to soak my coat. I never said it before, but Ponyville really was a small, beautiful village that held a lot of warm and helpful ponies. The rustic feel of the town really helped it with its image, and if I were here during better circumstances, I would even begin to appreciate the town. But, alas, my thoughts are muddled and my heart is racing in my chest as I twisted around many times, one thing on my mind; a bar. I need some alcoholic in my belly to calm me down and allow me to think rationally about my situation and how to approach it and find a solution.

I glanced around as several ponies ran past me, not wanting to be in the rain for too long, and I couldn't blame them. I started trotting at a brisk pace, my eyes searching for a building that allows me to drown my stomach in booze. The clear rain matted my fur and mane, filling my body with a cold and cool sensation that sent a shiver down my spine. Ignoring it for the time being, I pushed forwards and trudged through the less than desirable weather, my belly yearning for the warmth that only cider can bring me. Blinking, I rubbed my eyes as a sign glimmered in the distance, the words slowly coming to me. ‘Berry's Bar’ it read and despite myself, a ghost of a smile graced my lips as I began galloping towards it, my hooves furiously striking the ground as the building came to fruition in front of me.

Not wanting to be in the rain for any longer, I pushed open the double doors and stepped inside, a blast of warm air brushing against my coat as I panted, a glint of desire and want forming in my eyes. Shaking myself off to rid of the accumulated rain on my fur, being careful not to shower other patrons in water, I took in the details of the small, but packed bar that seemed to have more care put into it than the most expensive bar in Canterlot. At the far end of the establishment, directly in the center of the building, was the counter itself and behind it was a wine-colored mare with three berries plastered on her flank as a cutie mark. Behind her, was multiple shelves holding bottles of different beverages; wine, beer, whiskey, rum, cider, liquor, you name it, it's there on one of those shelves.

Scattered around the room was booths filled with ponies and housed a square red table with comfortable looking seats. There was also round, wooden tables with wooden chairs surrounding them. Shaking my head, my hooves clip-clopped on the carved wooden floors and sent an echo throughout the bar as I approached the bar, the bartender perking up at the sight of me. I slightly nodded my head at her as I climbed onto one of the stools that circled around the cylindrical counter that swerved around the mare. Planting my plot on the comfortable, but sturdy stool, I retrieved the small, brown bag filled with bits from under my wing, dropping it onto the counter with a loud thud that made me subconsciously flinch.

“What can I get for you, handsome?” The bartender asked with a elegant, accented voice that brought a smile to my face. Most of the bartenders in Canterlot were snooty and sounded like they smoked five packs of cigarettes an hour. But, this mare’s voice was musical, like I could listen to it all day. The ends of my lips pointed upwards into a warm smile as I lifted a hoof to point at a bottle of hard cider on the shelf. She glanced back to what I was pointing at before going under the counter and fishing out a bottle of the cider, as well as a shot glass. “That’ll be three bits, sir.” I dug through the bag and easily pulled it out, sliding it towards her where she caught it with her hoof. “Any particular way you want it?”

“No.” I immediately replied, grimacing as she began filling up the shot glass with the hard cider. Once she was done, she slid it over and I caught it with my hoof, staring into the glass with sadness. Celestia, here I am in a bar, drowning my sorrows, hoping to find an answer at the bottom of this glass. Rolling my eyes at my own thoughts, I lifted the shot glass up and gulped it down without a second thought, my tongue enjoying the spicy, apple-flavored alcohol as it slid down my throat with a burning, but pleasant passion. Soon after, my belly basked in the warmth that the cider offered. I blinked, motioning for her to refill it as I gave her another three bits, repeating what I did with renewed desire.

I sighed as I mulled over my thoughts, my mind exempt of any emotions as I started thinking about what happened and what's going to happen. It was plain as day, set out in front of me right in the open, and unlike not knowing Twilight’s identity, or not finding out about Cheesecake being a unicorn, I figured it out immediately. Eclipse, not having the strength nor the willpower to wait for me, went to Forgetful for her itch. And he relieved her and Midnight of their heat for the time being, and elected to act like nothing happened, at least, that's what I think, anyway. I kind of implied it happened and darted out of the library before anypony could say anything.

Taking another swig of the cider, and beginning to feel its effects start to take their toll, I dropped my head into my hooves as I let a sigh slip past my lips, hanging in the air like a paper bag drifting through the wind. I don't know what to do… I confessed my love to her, as well as her, and just like that, my trust and my feelings were discarded, all in the span of a day… Fuck me. It makes me think, though; I had sex with Roseluck, who betrayed my brother's trust, and now the same thing happened to me, except without the fight and the yelling. Funny. I guess it's true when they say Karma's a bitch. Too bad that I didn't think about that, and should have taken Eclipse into consideration concerning her estrus cycle.

Celestia, everything has gone to Tartarus, and I can't help but feel it's my fault. First it was Starsky and the Scorpios attack. If I only arrived earlier, then maybe I could have saved her and she would still be alive, by Eclipse's side. Then it was the White Tail, who nearly killed me and potentially scarred me for life… Make it stop… And, now here we are, my trust broken all because I decided stitching a fucking stupid skull to a hood was more important than helping my marefriend with her heat. Celestia fucking damnit, I’m just the worst, aren't I? It seems like I can't do anything right. All I do is hurt ponies and have myself hurt worst than them in some kind of ironic way… I wonder how everypony would have reacted if I just allowed the White Tail to kill me…

I waved my hoof at Berry Punch, I learned, and she filled my cup once again before informing me of my drunkenness. “Last one, sir.” I nodded shakily at her before burning my throat again, swaying back and forth on the stool as I hummed a song I've heard somewhere before, but I can't put a hoof on it. My wings fluttered in rhythm with the song as I slid the shot glass back at her, grabbing the back of bits and hastily hopping off of the stool, stumbling a bit as I hobbled towards the double doors, my head bobbing to the beat in my mind as I hummed around the bag in my mouth. I focused on walking as I stepped into the rain, shivering involuntarily at the cold sensation. One, two, three, four.

“Hmm, la, la, hmm, hic.” I slurred as a smirk formed on my face as I walked slowly towards the library, my hooves shaking and my wings spread out, the tips of my feathers dragging across the dirt road. “La, la, laaaaa, hmm, hic.” I sang drunkenly as I approached the tree home, in all of its glory. Twisting my head to the right, or left, whatever, I faintly made out the time with my blurry vision, the clock tower towering over the town. Four o’clock, it seems like. “Three hic three hours to go to hic party… Hic.” I murmured to nopony in particular as I shuffled to the entrance of the library. “Laaaaaa, laaaaaa, la, hmm, hic, hmm, hmm.”

I pushed the door open to the library, all of the ongoing conversations ceasing to exist as soon as I walked in my drunken glory, swaying back and forth as I hummed sloppily. “Oh Celestia, he’s drunk…” I heard a voice mutter just loud enough for me to hear, the voice sounding like they belong to Eclipse. Fuck the lot of you, I thought to myself as I walked past them and into the kitchen, pushing past a confused Spike who was munching on some sapphires. Hmm, what to eat… I threw open the refrigerator and scanned the contents. Lettuce, carrots, apples, oranges, wait… Apples will do. I snatched an apple off of the shelf in the fridge and with a shaking hoof, brought it to my lips, taking a sloppy bite out of it, after I spit out the bag of bits in my mouth.

“Holy shit hic, this is the best hic apple I ever had, hic!” I mumbled to myself as I enjoyed the red fruit, the juices from inside of it dribbling down my chin as I chewed it loudly, the crunching sound of me biting into it reverberating inside of my ear as I plopped down on my flank, my other hoof tapping on the white and black checkered floor. I closed my eyes in content, a ghost of a smile decorating my lips as my wings stretched out and brushed against everything they could, enjoying the vibrations in my mouth as I ate the delectable fruit. My ears swiveled around towards the sound of hooves steadily approaching me, and I raised my eyelids to see Eclipse staring at me with a concerned glint in her eyes.

“Dusk… Why are you drunk?” She asked tersely, her lips descending into a small frown that adorned her maw. I glared at her as I continued to eat the apple, swallowing the mush of chewed-up fruit in my muzzle before deciding to respond.

“Be -hic- cause, you went and hic fucked Forgetful!” I exclaimed to her, motioning to her and the stallion in the room wildly with my hooves. Eclipse flinched at my words as her ears pressed against her head, her eyes beginning to tear up. I continued. “You hic really, really, hic, hurt me.” I proclaimed as I jabbed a hoof at her. She sighed and closed her eyes before she wrapped her hooves around me, pulling on me as she began dragging me away. I remained silent as we went up the stairs and down the hallway, entering the bathroom. She quickly closed the door and locked it before turning back to me.

“I-I-I… I-It’s… Y-You…” Her eyes stung as she blinked, hot tears streaming down her beautiful, angel white cheeks as she sighed shakily, pulling me into a swift embrace before leaning back, gazing into my eyes with those gorgeous cyan eyes of hers. “L-Let's take a shower first… T-Then we’ll talk, o-okay?” I nodded dumbly as words came to mind, in the far corner of my mind, but since I’m drunk, they elected to force their way through my mouth, slurred by my drunkenness.

“You hic know, I’ll always hic love you. I hic made a promise, hic.” Eclipse flinched and whimpered to herself at my statement as she turned the shower on, steam quickly filling the room. She nudged me towards the shower and I obliged, stumbling into the stream of water that soaked my body. Eclipse joined me as she grabbed the shampoo and conditioner, squirting a hoofful into her hoof as she began lathering my body in the cool substance. I closed my eyes and sighed shakily, under the warm water, as Eclipse cleaned my body for me.

“... I love you, too.”

Author's Note

Nevermind, I managed to squeeze out another chapter before the inevitable party chapter. Hopefully, it should be next chapter.