XII. Cloud Chariot

A sensation of vertigo rushed through my body like a tidal wave crashing onto shore, and I jolted awake with a gasp, clutching my chest with a hoof tightly. A blaring light blinded me as my eyelids propelled upwards, forcing me to let them plummet until my eyes were once again shut. Scorching heat tickled my fur as I waited patiently for the pain to end before I chanced opening my eyes, and when I did, I blinked a few times to rid of the lingering dizziness and disorientation. My body felt as though I've been asleep for a millennia, and the sickening sound of cracking joints rang in my ears as I stretched the stiffness out of my hooves and neck.

Raising a hoof to eye-level, I took notice of the weird discoloration of my fur. What was once a pristine, snow-white color was now a sickly and dark grey, spots of black scattered on my fur like ink blots on a blank canvas. I shifted my hoof around in different positions to study it in a myriad of angles, but as soon it was there, the color reverted back to my original shade. What is going on, I thought to myself as I shook my head and tapped a hoof on it to see if I’m dreaming, but to no prevail. Even if I was in the Dream Realm, physically hurting myself isn't going to help anything. Even if some ponies want me hurt.

I lowered my eyes and took sight of where I was, making me question my sanity and sense of self. Below my body is a field of clouds, white as snow and soft as a, well, cloud. Glancing upwards, I took notice of the cobalt blue sky and the lack of either the Sun and the Moon, but instead in the distance was a golden chariot. It had no pegasi driving it, and yet there was a single pony sitting inside… Her ethereal mane blew softly in the wind, colors of the rainbow glistening in the sky. She gazed at me with her violet eyes, a worried but warm glint in them, almost as if they were beckoning me forward without a word. Against my better judgment, my hooves started moving towards her.

The clouds beneath my hooves folded beneath my weight, but did not give, allowing me safe passage to the princess and her cloud chariot. Feathers ruffled on my wings as I traipsed slowly towards her, falling gently onto to the white fluffiness and lying there, waiting patiently for the white mass to fade; and the feather will glide to the ground, for a pony to catch and keep. I ignored the overwhelming sense of rampant emotions flooding my mind, wanting me to scream, cry, or laugh, and just approached the first royal sister. Princess Celestia, in all of her glory and brilliance.

“It is good to see you, Dusk Storms, but I wish it were under better circumstances.” A slight frown adorned her face before it was quickly replaced by a beaming smile. “Please, join me on the chariot. We have much to discuss before you are allowed to awaken.” I wordlessly clambered my way onto to the well-sized chariot and sat down next to the white mare, my body sinking into the light red colored seat, the plush material forcing me to let out a sigh of content. Celestia giggled slightly at my display before she focused intently, her face contorting into one of concentration. In front of the chariot, two faceless stallions hitched to the chariot and began galloping forward, the clouds under the chariot soon dissipating. Eventually, all the clouds were gone to reveal the town of Ponyville, in its rustic and simplistic fashion.

“Let me guess… I’m dreaming, aren't I?” I asked timidly, gazing up at the magnificent alicorn that gleamed in the non-existent Sun. She didn't respond as we descended towards the library where I, along with my company, have been residing for the past day. What happened between Eclipse and Forgetful passed through my mind, and the world flickered to a deep red shade before returning to normal. “What happened… That didn't happen… Did it?” My voice started out normally until it progressed into a worrisome whisper, my hooves tapping on the seat idly as we soon landed on the ground, the two stallions fading away, leaving just the two of us. Celestia hopped out of the chariot, and I followed her, giving permission to the vehicle to vanish, leaving golden flakes to drift in the wind like dust.

The princess seemed to think for a moment before answering me. “Yes, you are. In reality, you have and Eclipse have been resting since your shower. What you experienced could only be explained as an anomaly.” She stopped to glance inside the library, watching the scene between Forgetful and I unfold before she continued. “You have immense power affiliated with the Dream Realm, as well as the Moon, but not without side effects. It is a small price to pay, but what is happening to you has not ever plagued my sister or your anonymous accomplice.” Her hooves clip-clopped on the ground as she arrived at the front door, it flying off its hinges and she entered. I stood by her side as we watched myself apprehend Forgetful and beat him mercilessly, a sadistic grin etched on my clone’s mug.

“However, the scene which we are being shown has brought some questions to mind,” Celestia’s eyes danced to Eclipse, who was now tackling myself and restraining me. “This entire dream was based off of the prospect of betrayal and pain… It is a situation that reminds me of my sister when she yearned for our subject's attention. You do not want to go down that road, for both of our sakes, as well as for those who care about you.” Eclipse’s eyes began to tear up as she cradled my clone in her hooves, whispering in his ears as Midnight and the others flocked to the beaten Forgetful. “So, my dear Dusk, do you trust Eclipse? Do you love her? And do you have disdain, or a hatred, for Forgetful? If we are to end this dream, you must overcome this barrier.”

Her words rang in my mind as I watched the clone, myself, separate from Eclipse and storm out of the library, slamming the door shut after him. The white pegasus began sobbing before Twilight came over to comfort her as Midnight, Rarity, and Fluttershy carried the injured stallion over to one of the couches, gently placing him down on his back as they nursed his horn that was cracked. Celestia hummed softly as she looked at me, her wings outplayed and hanging in the air with her suspended mane and tail. I shot her a glance before I frowned, the tips of my mouth pointing downwards as I pondered her questions.

Do I trust Eclipse? It was a simple question that should have an equally simple answer, yet I found myself in a state of disbelief and confusion. Do I… Trust… Eclipse? Solar Eclipse, the mare who has been by my side for the past four years and has helped me through my darkest time? The one who I found comfort in, and the one who was there when I needed her most? But… Can I trust her? What if she is just faking it and wearing a mask just to gain my trust before she breaks me and tears down years of progress and y-y-years of, finding the confidence to stand up and continue on? What if she is just going to betray me in the end?

Just. Like. Hall and her tribe.

A shudder was involuntarily sent down the length of my spine, and despite my resistance, a tear rolled down my cheek. No! No! She is not like t-that… Bitch! S-She has no stallions to s-strap me d-down… More tears cascaded down my matted cheeks as painful memories resurfaced from the bottomless pit that is my mind, and after all of these years, I remember. I remember the trust, the confidence, the love I placed into her, and her tribe… Only for her to betray me and leave me to rot, within an endless labyrinth of pain, suffering, and trauma… Fuck Celestia, why did you have to make me think about all of this? I-I didn't want to… Make it stop… Please.

“It is okay, Dusk. She will not hurt you anymore. You are safe. You are calm. Imagine yourself… In White Tail Woods. Trees so tall that they touch the sky.” I blinked and saw Hall in front of us for a millisecond before the void around us faded away to be replaced by the White Tail Woods. More specifically, by the riverside. The sound of the rushing water, the birds chirping, and the morning breeze echoed throughout my ear as I let out a shaky breath, catching a glimpse of my bloodshot eyes and ragged face on the water's reflection, showcasing my state of dismay. Blinking away another tear, I looked up to Celestia.

“I-I… I don't know if I trust Eclipse… I just… Can't. I don't even if I can trust you.” I let out a bitter chuckle, but it turned into a pathetic whimper as more memories flooded my decaying mind, reminding me of times past. “It's… Hard. But… Maybe, one day…” I trailed off as Celestia hummed in approval, her face betraying any emotion. She always had an excellent poker face; I suppose it's from years of experience. I turned to the river and dipped my hoof inside, letting the cool water to wet it and rush around it. I stared down at my reflection, a grimace forming on my face. I look like shit, but I guess no one would say anything. I can be anything I want here, yet… I wouldn't change anything about me. Call it stubbornness, or whatever, but… At least I have my own identity.

“You must understand that you are in the present, the future to yesterday. What has been done is done. You just need to find the inner strength to stop clinging to the past… And follow the future, into a better tomorrow. For you… And those around you.” The alicorn joined me and her reflection appeared on the water's surface, her violet eyes gazing into my own reflection. I remained silent as the world around us fell and returned, the long, clear river transforming into a small, muddy puddle. Celestia patted me on the back with her silky soft wing and I lifted my head, my sight greeted by the image of a chapel. Except the atmosphere didn't reek of mourning and grief, but instead one of happiness and rejoice… Even if it is the same place where my father's funeral was.

“Where are we? We here to check up on dear old daddy?” I joked hastily, a sad smile on my white maw. Celestia glared at me before she motioned towards the chapel, indicating for me to follow her. “Sorry…” I murmured as I traipsed behind her, my hooves once again grazing the concrete streets of Canterlot. There was no rain this time, instead there was a brilliantly empty blue sky with a beaming Sun inside of it, and the sound of silence as we approached the chapel, the doors wide open. I glanced inside and immediately felt dread bubbling up inside of me. “You have a real talent at making me feel bad, you know that?” The princess ignored me as she stepped inside, and I wordlessly followed her, because I don't really have a choice, now do I?

“... Will you, Vinyl Scratch, take this stallion to be your lawfully wedded husband, whenever you can? To be there when he is in a state of dismay, and to assist him if he were to ever decay? To love and cherish him, and be the mare that has not ever been?” Much to my surprise, and Celestia for a brief moment, we found Zecora to be doing the, uh… Wedding pony. Whatever they are called. I glanced to the stallion and discovered the ghost of a smile on my face at the sight of him; Thunderlane. I have only talked with him a few times, but he really seems like a good stallion, and I’m glad to see that good old Scratchy’ pinned him down. But, why do I have this insatiable guilt inside of me, if I’m happy for them? I couldn't make it, but I’m sure that they know that I’m happy for them, right?

“Heck yeah, I do!” Vinyl so graciously put, eliciting a quiet chuckle from the crowd.

I met Vinyl Scratch, funnily enough, after the tragedy that was the Royal Wedding. Shining and Princess Cadence decided to try the wedding again, and that time it went off without a hitch… With Moonlight XIII’s help, of course. There was still a few dozen changelings hiding around in Canterlot, and we exterminated them with ease, allowing them to have their wedding in peace. Vinyl was the DJ and I snuck in with Moth because we were technically supposed to return to our normal posts after we dealt with the stragglers. But what can I say? Moth and I enjoy a few drinks every once in awhile, and I while I hate parties, it was actually pretty fun.

I saw Vinyl and decided to talk to her, and we hit it off. She actually has a lot in common with me, and it showed. At the time, Eclipse and I were still friends-with-benefits, so I tried to get a little intimate with dear old Vinyl. Perhaps it was the drinks, or the overwhelming confidence from the drinks, but I was really horny, and from what Moth once told me afterwards, so was she. Regardless, she said no, but was in her words ‘Gratefully humbled that someone wants to ravage the scratchy pussy’. Once again, her words, not mine. Funnily enough, she offered it later down the line, but I said no because that was when I began to develop feelings for Eclipse.

“Will you, Thunderlane, take this mare to be your lawfully wedded wife, and care for her for the rest of her life? To be there for her in her times of need, and to never succumb to greed? To be by her side through thick and thin, and call her your kin?” Zecora recited, still managing to rhyme. Vinyl once told me about Zecora, about how she is an excellent accomplice for songs she made because of her ability to rhyme no matter what. I didn't believe her, until I finally heard a song with Zecora singing live right next to the unicorn on stage in a night club Cheesecake and I regularly went to. I was surprised to see Vinyl there, that wasn't her usual gig, mostly because it was in Canterlot. Heh, she still jests about my ‘refined and snooty accent’. Be it as it may, I love Canterlot… And there's nothing wrong with my accent.

“I do.” He replied with a wide grin, his eyes grinning into Vinyl’s… Well, her purple shades anyway. They may have been able to put a dress on her, but I suppose you can't separate a mare from her glasses. Her stubbornness is something we share… Maybe that's why it took years for me to confess to Eclipse.

“I now pronounce you stallion and wife, you may now kiss the bride, just be swift as a knife.” She just had to fit the rhyme in, didn't she? I ignored it as I observed Vinyl and Thunderlane share a passionate kiss on the altar, and I began clapping beside Celestia who watched me with an amused look. Soon enough, their lips parted and they started trotting down the aisle, giggling all the way to the carriage that stood outside. Before I could move out of the way, the married couple passed right through me like I didn't exist, reminding me I’m still dreaming. Sighing, I turned to look at Vinyl who just threw a bouquet flowers into a crowd of mares. One mare who had a grey coat and an even darker grey mane, adorned with a pink bowtie, purple eyes, and a certain musical note cutie mark pushed her way through and caught the flowers with her hoof.

“What's the point in showing me all of this? It's not as if I can just go back in time and fix the fucking problems!” I snapped at Celestia, who didn't respond to my vulgar outburst. She watched silently as the carriage rode off into to the distance, not to be seen anymore. Once the married couple were gone, she hummed once again before the void around whisked us away to Canterlot Castle, and I found ourselves in Eclipse's quarters. In the middle of the room was a medium-sized bed that wasn't the poster foal for luxury, but not the most uncomfortable thing in existence. Covering it was a red blanket and two fluffy, white pillows that pressed up against the headboard. It reminded me that I’m most likely sleeping on the floor or on the couch in Twilight’s library.

Next to the bed was a wooden table, polished until it was smooth as silk, and adorned with a red table cloth with a vase full of a myriad of flowers, and next to it is a book, but I couldn't make out the title from my position. There was a dresser that held a large mirror and several medals for bravery, purple heart, and even a medal of honor. Almost everyone in Moonlight XIII has a medal of honor, including myself. Right across from the dresser was a desk with a notepad open, and a cup of black ink with a quill resting inside. Unable to steel myself, I glanced at the paper to see what she wrote. Celestia forgive me, but I never said I’m not a nosy pony.

“Today I was conflicted. An endless struggle to betray my better judgment and just confess, yet I chose not to. Still, we are being beckoned to the chamber and for all I know, it's another mission where I am shipped away for a month, with the risk of me dying! I love him, and yet, words elude me. I do not know if he reciprocates my feelings, we have been friends for several years, but I suppose that it's still a possibility. If we are going on a mission, and when it is done and over with, I’ll confess to him. After all, there is no time like the present! Ugh, why is love so complicated. Anyway, this entry will most likely be thrown away, but perhaps it can help me decide if I can confess to him or not. I don't know. Celestia help me, I want to confess! Forgetful Not, why can't you just say something?”

My mouth lowered down as it began to tremble after reading the journal entry out loud, and I sighed as I flipped the page backwards, finding another entry. Preparing for the worst, I spoke once more. “Today I was shown something. Something that opened my eyes and realize that I am a horrible pony. One that makes my fruitless love even worse. Dusk, while he is mostly a sarcastic twat, has revealed his heart for the world to see… He was assigned to take care of a certain mare that affected him negatively in the past. Hall Dance, more specifically. She has beaten, abused, and raped him, yet when he was told to handle her execution, he… Called it off. Told the princesses to give her a year of jail time and release her into the wild, away from civilization. While that punishment isn't exactly the safest, he still gave her a chance… I think I am beginning to see something in him.”

I quietly flipped forward, passing her entry about her love for Forgetful and much to my surprise, I found another entry. When I let Hall go, that was three months after the royal wedding, meaning these are all years before now. “It's been a few years since I’ve written in this dusty old thing, huh? Many things have changed, big things. For one, Forgetful has shown his real side, and he is a manipulative, lying asshole. Bastard wanted to rut and was using his charm to seduce me. I would have if it weren't for Starsky bursting in and saving me. Celestia bless her soul, I don't know what I would have done if she didn't come and save me. We left and I found myself in front of Dusk’s door. Over the years, I began to feel a certain way about him. He was bitter, sure, so was Moth, but underneath all of that, lies a good stallion with a golden heart. So, I talked to him and we found ourselves… Well, I’m not going to write that down in case of somepony reading this, but I didn't tell him about what happened between Forgetful and I. Besides, what does that matter if I’m beginning to love Dusk?”

I turned to the actual final page, and I let out a shaky breath, as I finally mustered up the courage to read the entry. “A few months this time! Maybe I can finally work my way up to writing in this daily again. I can only hope. These past few months have been great so far, honestly. I’ve grown attached to Dusk more than I did at the beginning, and now we are always together! I've been giving him signs, I still can't confess my love again, but the stubborn stallion is too dense! You know, I might go pay him a visit now, and see if I can work up the courage to finally say ‘I love you, you bastard’!” I finished reading and closed the book, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fetlock as I sat down on my haunches. Celestia, this brings up more questions than I’m used to… Can I trust Eclipse, even though she never told me about what happened between her and Forgetful?

“What's… W-What's the point of all of this, Celestia. To show me things that were better off unknown? To make me suffer by reminding me I am a fucking failure?!” I screamed at her, stomping my hoof on the desk, causing the cup of ink to spill over and release a torrent of black liquid to dribble all over the wooden desk. “Yes, I know. I didn't go to my father's funeral! I didn't go to Vinyl’s wedding! And I sure as hell didn't know that Forgetful tried to rape Eclipse! So, tell me, what's the fucking point to this madness?! Please, try to make up an excuse and coax me, but it won’t fucking work! Stop reminding me that I am a fucking failure! Don't you think I already fucking know that!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, my throat becoming hoarse. The room, as well as my vision, flashed red and grey frantically in response to my emotions.

“You are not a bad pony, Dusk! You have made mistakes, everyone does, and you don't understand how to deal with them. Hall manipulated you, and you now you have difficulty placing trust in others. You could not attend your father's funeral and your friend’s wedding, and you think that you are apathetic and are a failure. And now, that you now of Eclipse's past love, you think that you are inadequate. Don't you see? Everytime you encounter a problem, you do not know how to approach it. You overreact or throw yourself into a pit of self-pity. It is a very unhealthy habit and one such as yourself, need to break.” Celestia firmly stated, staring intently at me, her piercing gaze forcing me to calm down. She is right. How… What do I do?

“You cling to the past and reminisce on mistakes that can not be fixed in the present. No, you can not go back in time to fix your problems, but you can make an effort to learn from those mistakes and live life in the present, to see tomorrow. Can you do that, Dusk? Forget the past, and move on? You can run from the past all you want… But, don't you want to chase the future? Have a life with Eclipse, have a foal, and be surrounded by friends? Life is unpredictable, so are mistakes, but you can strive to learn from those mistakes and better yourself for a better tomorrow. Don't you want that?” Her hoof lifted my chin up and she gazed into my eyes with a sincere glint, and a warm smile on her pristine muzzle. I sighed as the room crumbled away and we found ourselves on top of a cloud chariot, the world beneath of us as we soared through the sky, out of sight, but not out of mind.

“I-I’ll try, princess… I’ll try.” I mumbled, causing the white alicorn to chuckle softly before she wrapped a hoof around my mid section and pulled me close into her embrace. I relished in the sensation of her soft, warm fur caressing my body and her poweful wings curled tightly around me, her smooth feathers feeling like the softest silk. We stayed like that as I felt the clouds dissipated and the white void around us trembled and fell, signifying my inevitable awakening. Even as we fell into nothingness, we held each other tight as my vision began to blur and my senses became numb. We both are waiting for something, anything, to come back into our lives and make us full again. To allow us to die and not feel regret.

She is waiting for a sister.

I’m awaiting my happiness.

Author's Note

I actually managed to fit in another chapter before the end of the act. I'm pretty sure that next chapter is the one.