Chapter 1

"Ahhh, fuck," the mare muttered in dawning realization.

Cadance's ears flicked. "Whoa, don't hear that word exit your lips too often, Twilight. Well, other than last Tuesday. What's up?"

"I just realized we're in another one of Super Trampoline's shitty stories."

Cadance looked around, only to see that she was constructed entirely of words put in a meaningful order. "Huh, I suppose we are. Well, chin up, his stories are usually pretty short."

Twilight groaned. Easy for you to say. "I end up in more of these than anypony else because I'm one of the few characters he feels confident enough to actually write, even though he just bowdlerizes me anyway in the name of crappy 'Random Comedies'."

"Woah, I'm sensing some major cynicism there."

"HAS HE SHIPPED YOU WITH HIS OC?!?!"

"Well, if I recall, last time he tried to do that you kidnapped him, which probably gave him mixed signals. Poor guy. You should go out with him; give him a chance. Who know's he could be the one!"

Twilight scrunched her face up, then breathed out while stretching her right forelimb out, just like her mentor had taught. "You're referring to 109 Extremely Short, Incredibly Horrible, & Shamelessly Bizarre Slashfics, Plus 1 That's Just Plain Insane, Not to Mention a Character Uprising, a Bomb Threat, a Few Optional Stable Time Loops, a Foalnapping, & Additionally Saving the World , which he needs to update, by the way. I'm talking about T̶h̶e̶ ̶L̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶L̶o̶s̶t̶ 7̶t̶h̶ ̶E̶l̶e̶m̶e̶n̶t S̶u̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶T̶r̶a̶m̶p̶o̶l̶i̶n̶e̶:̶ ̶P̶r̶o̶f̶e̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶W̶a̶i̶f̶u̶ ̶S̶t̶e̶a̶l̶e̶r̶ T̶h̶e̶ ̶B̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶S̶t̶o̶r̶y̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶F̶i̶m̶f̶i̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n. F̶e̶a̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶B̶o̶x̶ ̶H̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ Please ⇩vote!, in which he ships himself with pretty much everpony, including you I might add!"

Cadance simply shrugged. "Meh, I like shipping. No sweat off my back."

"You don't understand! He lives in my city. He makes me proofread!"

For the first time in the conversation, Cadance actually felt a pang of empathy. "My goodness. Nopony deserves that. You poor thing." She reached over with a wing to console Twilight.

"Ugh!" Twilight grumbled, again. She was grumbling a lot. One can imagine why. "Look, If we're here, it probably means we're supposed to do something, and then the dumb story can end and I can go back to reading and you can go back to... something."

"Yes, about that. I actually called you here today about some problems I've been having with my TV set."

Something about how this is obviously not cannon

TRANSITION SECTION NOT YET FINISHED

besides, isn't this supposed to be in first person?

"Oh yeah, huh," I said. I looked around, and saw everything from my own perspective. Ahh, much better.

TRANSITION SECTION NOT YET FINISHED

What that nobody liked it when you and Luna fell in love?

Well no. I mean yeah, but no.

I mean, I agree with the readers, it was pretty ham fisted. Err, hamhoofed? Where does that expression even come from?"

I pounced on the opportunity to drop some knowledge. "The term 'Ham-fisted' is derived from 'ham-fist', which--"

"Yeah, okay, don't actually care," Cadance interrupted. "My point is you spent an entire paragraph, and I don't mean a small paragraph either, I mean a big, juicy, meaty, girthy--"

"Please stop this analogy," I groaned, interrupting in turn.

"Sorry, I really miss my husband. Anyway, you spent a long-ass time describing her barding in exacting detail using esoteric terms even I don't know! It was like, 'Hey, I'm gonna notice every little bloody thing about Luna!' and then the next thing you know, it's, 'Hey, I thought I wasn't gay, but now I'm noticing a lot of stuff about Luna,' and then the rest is history! Leave the shipping to me!"

"Okay, I--"

"And besides, TwiLuna is a crappy ship. Everpony who's anypony knows that the OTP is Twilight x Discord. Now Discolight, there's a ship I could get behind. You see, when you examine their personalities, at first it seems that they are complete opposites. Now, it is true, that in some ways they are highly contrary to each other. Yet..."

Readers, I apologize. Cadance is shipping me with fictional characters again. I find it's better to just let her run her course.

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Why can't you fuck one of the guards? I know you swing more than the state of Florida.

Joke about swingers club from "Spoilers"

I am faithful to my husband. Are accusing me of extramarital indiscrescions?

We had sex last Tuesday!

Oh yeah, huh. Wanna do it again?

"Uh, no thanks, I'll pass. My vagina is still sore, and I'm not sure I'll ever get that vision of Pinkie's hair out of my head. How did she even do that?!"

TRANSITION SECTION NOT YET FINISHED

A handsome young stallion, robust and virile, knocked on the door of a house. He sported a white coat and a royal blue mane, and... Wait a minute. The door opened, revealing a tall but svelte mare, purple wings fluttering above a lush pink coat and tricolored... oh no.

conundrum

"M'am," the stallion began, "we've received reports of several magic anomalies coming from within your house. I'm the magic anomalies inspector. Mind if I come in and have a look around?"

"Mmmm, maybe you could do more than just look," she said sultrily, turning around and lifting her tail. The camera zoomed in. I felt bile rising inside my throat.

Cadance was reclined against her bed, and slick squelching noises were beginning to emanate from the general direction of her crotch. I didn't dare look in her direction, for my eyes were held captive by the grotesque sight upon her television.

"No," I repeated, the blood draining from my face. Oh sweet and merciful Faust, please no...

On screen, the stallion had already mounted the mare. "Cadance?" I asked, feeling a vein popping and several ulcers beginning to form.

"Yes, Twilight?" she replied cheerfully. schlep schlep schlep

"Please tell me you and Shining Armor did not star in softcore pornography."

"We did." schlep schlep schlep.

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to yell all sorts of angry words, to be furious at her for dragging me into this insane world. But if I was being honest with myself, I didn't have it in me. I hadn't had horse cock in me for a while either. Maybe I needed this too.

"Eh, fuck it, we're all nonexistent entities anyway, might as well have some fun." I reached down between my legs to the sounds of my brother and babysitter getting it on, and fell into the blissful oblivion of la petite mort.