Morel Lunatics

Chapter 5

I woke with a start as my pillow roughly moved and loud cursing cascaded into my ears. “Vile Whoreson! Three-suited toad! A Pox upon thy father!”

I groggily looked up as Luna was yelling at the television. The bad-guy was summoning a meteor, and the good guys were losing. I yawned and then realized what position I was in. I found myself cozied up to her, sleeping with my head on her shoulder while she had been playing her game. My naked body was pressed quite comfortably against her warm side, and I had a leg draped over her.

Luna turned to look at me with surprise as she realized that I was awake. “I apologize! I did not mean to wake you!”

I didn’t say anything, instead clutching her body as a slowly crawling sense of dread climbed over me. I was one hundred percent sure that I had an erection. When I went to sleep I had completely run out of fucks to give and snuggled up with her without a second thought. But now I had at least a few back and regretted my carelessly aggressive approach.

“Have I startled you?” Luna looked concerned now, and paused the game.

I needed to say something, or her curiosity was just going to get worse. “No… I’m just disoriented.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, unsuccessfully attempting to will my little buddy down. Sit boy!

“Ah. I understand. It happens sometimes between the borders of sleep and wakefulness. I myself spend much time there.” Luna turned back and unpaused her game, quickly getting absorbed into the cut scene.

I relaxed, hoping my raging boner would calm down long enough for me to get up. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was eleven thirty at night. So much for sleeping. “When did I fall asleep, Luna?”

“Just after you returned from your shopping trip. We had a short conversation, and then you collapsed on me. I didn’t wish to disturb you, so I allowed you to rest.”

“So.. I’ve been asleep for seven hours, eh?”

“That would be an accurate assessment.”

That was more than I usually slept in any given night. My schedule was quickly turning into “sleep when I’m tired.” I had skipped lunch and slept through dinner. I was hungry. My thoughts turned to food. I hadn’t bought much but pancake ingredients when I went shopping earlier. I didn’t want to think about why just then. I’d just find something in the kitchen.

“How’s the game going?”

“Not well. The villain has bested my friends. It looks to be quite grim. One has been made into a fool!”

“Yeah, it gets a little down for a bit. Stick with it though, I’m sure you’ll pull through. You’re almost to the part where the whole world opens up and you can go anywhere. You can spend a lot of time there finding all the secrets, or rush to defeat the bad-guy so you can win.” I had spent three solid days playing the mini-game where you raised birds, I wasn’t about to tell her about it yet.

The upshot of watching a pixelated cartoon hero getting pushed around in a wheelchair is that your erection dies pretty fast. I slowly got up, not really wanting to leave her tantalizingly warm body. It was just so comfortable to lay there with her. If it wasn’t for my hunger, I may have drifted back to sleep.

Stretching, I climbed out of bed. “Hey. I’m gonna go get something to eat. I slept through dinner. Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

She splayed an ear back, but otherwise made no movement to acknowledge me, “My dietary needs are minimal, I assure you.”

“Yeah right, ‘Miss Twenty Pancakes’.” I even used air quotes for emphasis. The subtlety was not lost on her.

She played along, briefly smiling and raising an eyebrow while saying, “If you recall, I requested forty.” Focusing back on her game, she further explained, “I enjoy eating. It’s a pleasure.”

“Well, I’m going to grab something.” I realized that she left me an easy set up for a quip, so I continued, “If you’d like to pleasure yourself, follow me.”

Luna paused her game and looked at me with amusement. “You are surprisingly crass in the presence of royalty.”

“Hey! No formalities.” I gestured to my nude body, secretly thrilled to have the exposure in an innocently deniable manner.

She feigned exasperation, “I suppose I did make that request.”

“Yeah... Because you like it!” I giggled as I walked out of the room, listening to her muttered response.

“I guess I do.”

I was in good spirits. I felt much better after my nap, and everything felt so bright. I needed to make plans though, so far I’d been skating by just barely. Like some American tourist flopping about out on a frozen lake for the first time. No, I needed to treat this like a real Canadian. I needed to apologize. I wasn’t sure what for yet, but better safe than sorry, eh? But before that, I needed a plan.

I needed to organize my thoughts. First order of business, get food now. Second order of business, get in Luna’s not so existent pants. Third order of business, piss her off. I could combine the second and third bits, but I didn’t want to assault her. The thought made me frown. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I tucked that away as a last resort, unsure about keeping it around at all.

Actually, things might go better if I made a deal with Luna. I could broach it easy enough, but she might get suspicious. I had a very extensive game collection, and being mortal, I’d die eventually. It wouldn’t be weird to offer it to her for after I died. I wanted her to be happy, and she seemed to enjoy it. The hard part would be letting her know it was hers after I was gone.

I’d already caused enough trouble for my family. They probably wouldn’t even know anything was wrong until they got back. When that would be was anyone’s guess. I didn’t have anything else of value to leave, just the games. And maybe my book collection. I’d make sure to dump that in Jenny’s room. She’d get the picture.

I decided that was enough planning for that, and focused on my first and second problems. Food and Luna.

Digging through the freezer, I found an unopened party pack of hotdogs. Pink flavor, whatever that meant. They were probably unused from one of my moms parties for some occasion or another. Frozen hotdogs would take a while, but I could boil them and have time to think. I’d need to let them break apart anyways. I found a large empty pot and filled it with water, unceremoniously dumping the entire pack in. I’d eat what I wanted and toss the rest.

Now that problem one was being taken care of, I could focus on problem two. That was probably the most difficult problem for me to tackle. I’d never spent this much time around someone without driving them off. Luna didn’t seem to mind my comments and rude remarks. In fact, as long as I didn’t cross an invisible line, they seemed to amuse her. The problem was that line. I had no idea where it was. A simple comment would could make her to go into angry mode, and a litany of curses might make her laugh.

And even when I’d pissed her off, as soon as she calmed down it was as if the offense was forgotten. Angry her seemed like a different person entirely, as though there was some demon bubbling just beneath the surface. That made me think about myself. My anger wasn’t too dissimilar. Once I calmed down, I immediately regretted anything I’d said or done. I’d honestly forgive any insult in that moment, was she the same?

The problem for me was that there was usually no one left to forgive. They all ran from me, or simply removed themselves from the situation. I’d found myself taking a verbal beating from a teacher more than once after one of my explosions. But how would that help me?

I changed tactics, instead organizing what useful information I had about her. Spreadsheets were useful, even mental ones. She was proud and honest. If she promised something, she kept her promise. She was easy and quick to anger. She was far more observant than she let on, it was likely she had some inkling of my intentions. On the other hand, she was completely oblivious about humans in general, so she might have chalked my behavior up to that. She had great reflexes, but oddly her foresight was lacking.

She was keeping up with me in Super Smash brothers, but was struggling with Final Fantasy. Smash Brothers was all about timing and reflexes. Final Fantasy relied on strategy, and if you weren’t any good at that, you had to power level. That was how she was handling it, and she wasn’t very efficient at it either. It was taking her far longer to play through the game than I had expected.

Based on that, I could probably beat her fairly easy at a strategy game. Chess might be dangerous if she was as old as she said she was and the Core thing kept it the same. But something newer might confuse her. Maybe I could get her to bet with me. She’d kept her promises so far. I’d have to offer her something worth betting for though. And I needed a game I could win. Perhaps one that people thought was gambling?

Could I get her to play a game of poker with me? Was that a good idea? I’d never played it before. Maybe I should downgrade to Magic the Gathering. That would take forever to teach her, and even I’d feel bad about beating her at that. She certainly wouldn’t feel as though it was left up to chance. I needed something that felt fair, but I had an advantage at.

And then it came to me. Monopoly. It was perfect. Everybody believed it to be a game of chance, but it was far from it. There was very solid strategy to Monopoly, and someone who understood it could win nine times out of ten. If I lost with those odds, I deserved to lose.

The phone rang, surprising me. I don’t know why my parents insisted on a land line, smart phones were so much more versatile. I rushed to pick it up, the water would be fine, it would take at least another twenty minutes to boil.

“Hello?”

“Ethan ? Is that you?” I was surprised to hear my mother. She still had about two days to go before her usual checkup call.

“Yeah mom. It’s me.”

“Good! I was worried you might be asleep. Your asshole father called me.” Great. She was drunk.

“Oh?” It was a little strange for her to get a call from him while they were both away. Lately they’d been avoiding each other.

She practically shrieked at me, “That Bastard is leaving me! Can you believe it?”

I could actually. “No.”

“He’s staying in Taiwhatsit with that whore.”

It’s Taiwan, Mom. “Oh.”

“How could he do this to me?”

Easily? I didn’t want to tell her that. “...”

“I’m taking everything!” She screamed angrily “I’m gonna suck him dry!”

I really had nothing to say.

“I’m gonna stay here for a while. Derek and I have to figure things out.” She paused, thinking I guess, “Are you gonna be okay honey?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.” What else could I be? I’d always been fine being left alone. I keep to myself now, there was no chance of causing trouble.

“Good. You’re an adult now, you’ll figure it out… Not now, Derek!” I heard some shuffling. “I’m talking with my son!”

I didn’t want to intrude on her.“I’ve gotta go mom. Thanks for the call.”

“Love you Honey… He.. He..” She was giggling. I had an idea why. I’m sure Derek knew exactly why. I understood it, the thing she had with Derek. That didn’t mean I liked it. It was better that she hung up on me. I was just going to ruin the fun she was having. Ruin their good time. I’d always been good at that, ruining other peoples happiness. I understood why she hung up on me. It didn’t mean anything. It never meant anything.

So Monopoly it was. How could I get Luna to play with me? So far she’d only had an interest in video games. Maybe I could get her to take a break? She’d only stopped to eat food, and if she was to be believed, she didn’t really need to eat. Maybe I just had to ask? I could do that. But how would I get her to bet? There were a lot of options. I ran through them in my head, unable to really come up with a solution.

I was surprised when something tapped my shoulder.

“Ethan? Are you all right?”

“Of course. I’m fine Luna.” I turned and smiled at her, “I’m always fine.” I knew I was always fine. What else could I be?

“You do not look well. And your sticks of meat are burning.” She wrinkled her nose in distaste. “It has been two hours since you left.”

I glanced at the pot. The water was gone and an acrid smell filled the room. I frowned and put down the phone.

“What is that device you held?” She glanced at the phone.

“A telephone.” Why had they burned?

“And what does it do?” She watched it suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.

“It lets us talk to people that are too far away.” I wasn’t hungry anymore anyways. Let them burn.

“I see...” Luna looked back up to me with worry in her eyes. “And who did you talk to?”

“My mother.” I took a breath of the smoke. It burned the back of my throat.

“Is she well?” Her eyes widened.

“She’s fine. Shes… having fun.” I knew that I should probably have turned off the stove. Where did the water go? I must have forgotten it was all. I knew I was fine. Everything was fine.

“And what did she say?” Luna looked skeptic.

Luna was getting annoying, but I smiled anyways, “That it wouldn’t be a problem for you to stay as long as you’d like.” Still, I was done with her questions. I walked out of the room, leaving the stove on and the hotdogs burning.

“Wait! You left your meat sticks cooking!” Luna stayed in the kitchen, panicking, while I walked back to my room and crawled into bed.

I didn’t want to think about the conversation. The important thing was that Luna could stay. I needed to work on my goals. My family wasn’t going to come home until I was gone, and now that I wasn’t hungry I could focus on my second goal. I stayed in bed and thought.

I needed to get her to bet me at something. I vaguely remembered monopoly. I’d had a great idea, so I mulled it over, remembering it. I would convince her to play Monopoly against me, with a bet on the line. The problem was that she had everything she could want already. I didn’t have anything that she wanted enough to risk taking a bet a like that.

“Ethan. We must talk. I am gravely concerned about your behavior.”

I didn’t know why she kept bothering me. But an evil thought crept into my mind. I might actually have something she was willing to bet on.

“Do you want to talk, Luna?” She’d be willing to bet on me.

She was clearly frustrated, “Yes. I must insist that you inform me as to why you left me to figure out the cooking device on my own.”

I deadpanned to her, “I’m sure they have stoves where you’re from Luna.”

She was immediately defensive, “This was different! There was no wood nor magic we…” Her frustration died in an instant and she took a breath. “I must know what is wrong with you.”

“There is nothing wrong with me.” I began to smile as the plan slowly formed in my head. I’d bet myself, for herself. Under the guise of information and peace. She was observant, yes, but she was a little socially inept. And we often had a difficult time understanding each other. It wouldn’t be a stretch to purposefully craft a bet where she didn’t understand what she was betting. And once it happened, I’d explain. Either directly or, perhaps, through demonstration.

The air cooled and a loud voice reverberated through me, “Though shalt not lie to us, mortal!”

“That’s not going to work anymore.” I chuckled and got up in my bed, turning to her with a confident grin. I spoke quietly but definitively, “Congratulations. I’m not scared of you.” She was angry again. Her stars were out, her eyes were empty, and her hair was black.

I didn’t have to do things in order right then. If my third problem was resolved first, then my second didn’t matter. I sat there, smiling like an idiot as I waited for her to calm down or kill me. Luna didn’t know it, but I was already playing my game with her. And I was going to win either way.

We stared at each other. Her throat was a dark empty hole, framed by a line of sharp white teeth. Earlier she’d had normal teeth, apparently that only happened when she was angry. I wondered if she consciously changed or if it was reflexive. A blackness seemed to bleed from her eyes, tainting her dark blue coat. She really looked like some kind of monster. I wondered if anyone had ever told her that. I spoke flatly, a mere inch from her scowling nightmarish face, “You’re prettier when you’re not mad.”

She blinked. And then slowly, her eyes began to draw back in the blackness. Her mouth closed and the miasma faded from the room. Soon, she was looking sadly at me with her large teal eyes.

I smiled congenially,“That’s much better.”

She was very upset, “Wherefore wonneth't thee talk to us? Thy visage concerns us.”

I quipped, “Say’s the lady who’s face can look like a nightmare.”

Luna looked down and ashamed at that. I almost felt bad for her, but a hit to her vanity wasn’t going to sway me. If anything, it might help me.

Her silence drug on, so I spoke, “Fine. Do you really want to talk about it?”

“We doth.” She looked back up at me with wet eyes.

“Then I propose a deal.” I wasn’t worried that it was easy. I wasn’t worried about anything. Luna’s biggest flaw was that she wore her heart on her sleeve. She did not look skeptical, therefore I had her trust.

She begged for me to tell her more, “Explain.”

I stopped smiling, “We make a bet. If you win, I’ll do anything you want for twenty four hours. One day and night. You can ask me any question you want, and I’ll answer. Any detail or hidden secret, anything at all. It’s all yours. I’ll help you with any game, heck, I’ll give you all my games if you want them. But if I win, then for twenty four hours, one day and one night, you’ve gotta do what I say. And that includes not asking me stupid questions, and not bothering me if I ask you to leave me alone.”

Luna looked at me, her eyes still wet, but her mind clearly racing. “We hold powers dark and ancient. Such secrets cannot be risked for thee.”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t care about your magic. If I win, all I can do with it is ask you not to use it.”

She closed her eyes in a slow blink as she thought, “And what shall be the bet?”

I smiled wide. Monopoly, here I come. “A game, of course.”

“Smash Brothers then?” We were too evenly matched there, I couldn’t risk a true gamble.

“No. I don’t feel like getting angry right now. I was thinking something a little more old school. Do you have Monopoly where you’re from?”

Luna shook her head, “Neigh, we have Monopony. But we gather they are similar. A board game then?”

“Yeah. So do you accept the bet?”

“We… I accept your proposal. T’s as fair as any other game of chance.” I should have been ashamed at Luna’s nonchalance and offhanded comment. It was exactly the attitude of someone who would lose at Monopoly. Instead, I was giddy.

It took no time to set up the game with her magic. I had allowed Luna to be the banker; I doubted she’d cheat, and I didn’t need to. I’d picked the hat, and she the thimble. The game went oddly. We were silent at first, each stuck in their own little world of thought, but about half way through we became absorbed into the game. Our usual banter began to play out.

I harassed her as she played, “I don’t think that’s a smart move, Luna. It’s liable to end with you in Jail.”

Luna looked momentarily concerned and then frowned at me, “Jail is where you belong. Your hat is most corrupt. It is bad for all of the little hats.”

Sometimes she was weird, “Right...” We were silent again for a while after that. I rolled double sixes, getting a second turn.

“Tell me, what shall you do with me if you win?” She watched curiously as I rolled again.

I thought about it. I had a vague idea, I was going to fuck her. But beyond that? I didn’t really know. “I’m… not sure actually.” I looked at her in confusion. “And what would you do with me?” I bought a property, and passed the dice.

“I shall get you to tell me your secrets.” She smirked at me, “And then I shall hug you.” She rolled double twos.

For some reason, I began to feel dread. I gulped.

“And hug you again and again. You shall be hugged into compliance.” She grinned wickedly. And then rolled double threes.

“ah.. he.. ah… yeah...” I nervously stuttered and my face flushed. The thought was both terrifying and strangely calming.

“And once you are tame, you shall give me a massage. I very much enjoyed your rubbing, and will have more of it.” I knew she was talking about the petting, but that didn’t stop me from turning beat red. I watched as she took her piece to prison.

“You’ve given a lot of thought to this, haven’t you?” I rolled a seven. It was a red property that I needed, getting me one step closer to a monopoly.

“I work quickly.” She flashed me a sharp toothed grin, surprising me.

It occurred to me then that she was attempting to manipulate me. The thought actually calmed me down when I realized it. The give away was her tooth. She was clearly not angry, so it must have been intentional. She had planned the exchange from the moment she asked what I was going to do to her. It just so happened that her luck ran out and she rolled two doubles in a row.

I quickly re-evaluated my opponent. She hadn’t made good choices so far, spending all of her money on what I would call worthless properties. And her luck wasn’t great, but if things took a turn for the worse or if I made too many mistakes, she might actually win. I was surprised. She was keeping me distracted quite well, surprisingly, it seemed that the social game was more her style once she got into her groove.

I, on the other hand, had purchased high quality properties, sticking to the colors with high returns. If things didn’t change then I would win. The hard part was that I had to not make any stupid decisions or get too greedy. I also couldn’t land on too many of her cheap properties before she landed on my expensive ones. Neither of us had a monopoly yet, and that would be a major factor.

I needed to get her distracted in order to keep the field to my advantage. “I guess when I win I’ll ask you about your secrets as well.” I thought for a second, deciding that I needed to slow her social momentum. She needed to realize how I felt about the situation. So I was cold when I stated, “I’ll see how you like it when I ask you why you cry.” I heard myself talking, but didn’t realize what I’d said until it came out. It was harsher, meaner than I’d intended.

Luna stopped talking, and looked down silently at the board, apparently lost in thought. When I landed my roll, I got my first monopoly. She didn’t know it yet, but right then the game was already won. I went cold when I’d realized it, my hands were shaking nervously as I held the card. It would take another ten minutes before it was obvious. I wondered if she’d concede the game or we’d have to play it out till the bitter end.

It was the latter.

Luna was fully bankrupt. All her properties were sold or mortgaged already, and I owned every little house from the bag. She had managed to get a monopoly, but by then I’d bought up all the houses leaving none for her to develop her properties.

“I… cannot pay.” She wasn’t looking at me.

My voice was cold and factual. “Then I win.” I wasn’t smiling.

“I am aware.” Neither was she.

We were silent.

“So what is your first demand?” She continued to look away.

“I think I’ll ask about your secrets.”

“You wanted to know why I cry?” She sounded defeated and exhausted.

I actually knew why she cried. I’d figured it out. She’d hurt people. I knew what that felt like, what it did to somebody. And she’s had so much longer to cause pain and destroy the people around her. I knew why she cried, and I really didn’t want to hear anything about it. Not right then. “Actually no. I had a different question.”

Luna finally looked at me, slightly confused. There was a glimmer of hope in her eyes, “And… what would that be?”

I took a deep breathe. I’d worked to get this set up. I’d gone through so much, and now was my moment of victory. I was nervous, almost sick to my stomach. All I had to do was say it. I put on the most smug face I could muster and walked forward, putting my hand on her cheek so I could make sure to look her in the eye. “I wanted to know...” I could do this. I had to do this. I calmed down. It was fine, this was just step two. I still had to worry about step three. “If you’ve ever sucked a cock?”

Her response was slow. First she looked at me in pure confusion. “Why would I have sucked a roo...” The she stopped talking, and her eyes opened wide in surprise as her head tilted slightly back.

I kept my smug look plastered on, the hard external mask frozen around my liquid fears insides. I was bubbling over, all sorts of feelings were coming to the surface and then getting drowned in more. I was betraying her. I wanted her. I won. She was mine. She was scared. I was scared. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to fuck me. I was terrified she’d laugh at me. I was terrified she’d cry. I was terrified she’d tell me no, and that the deal was off. I was terrified she’d hold to her end of the bargain.

Luna stepped back once, pulling her head away from my hand and keeping her eyes open. She glanced up and down my body frantically and then spoke in disbelief, “T’was…. a cross-lay...” She blinked and looked closely at me, suddenly accusatory and with disgust. I felt something inside of me shatter with that look, maybe it was my dignity. Her voice had the faint glimmer of realization, “And… thee… a crossbiter...”

It physically hurt my chest to hear her talk. But I deserved it. Whatever she said, whatever she accused me of, this time she was right. “I’m gonna have to be honest, Luna, I have no idea what that means. But judging by the tone of your voice, you’re probably spot on.” I stepped up to her, not letting her back away. “Since we both know what I am, now the only question is what are you?” I grabbed a tuft of her hair and looked closely at it before looking back at her betrayed face. “Will you uphold your end of the deal?”

Luna blinked slowly, her wide eyes gently closing as she took a breath. I don’t think she expected me to be so physically aggressive. I’d gone through a complete personality change, and she had to re-categorize me. I knew what she was doing because that’s what I did with people. When she opened her eyes her voice was laced with venom, “We… shall.” I knew what category she’d put me in. Now, to her, I was stupid—just like everyone else. Just like I deserved to be.

“You know what I’m going to ask you to do, right? The things I’m going to do to you?” I couldn’t actually say what they were. I hadn’t worked up the courage for that yet.

The malice in her voice was rising, “We doth know.”

I felt nauseous. I hadn’t thought about the hate as anything more than conceptual. Actually experiencing it was painful. “So what does that make you?”

She glared angrily at me, “A fool.”

“Perhaps. But I was gonna go with ‘harlot’. I’m sure you know that word, don’t you?”

She continued to glare at me, her silence answering the question.

“Why don’t you say it. Tell me what you are.”

She closed her eyes and her breath came in short bursts as she hissed through grit teeth, “We… are… a harlot.” After she finished, she slowly opened her eyes, keeping them locked on my face.

On one hand, a real part of me was dying inside. I was watching her suffer, and it was exactly my fault. I’d gone through with it, and the repercussions were final. I’d killed another friend, never to trust me again. Not in anger, but in cold blood. It had been premeditated in every conceivable way. It made me sick. It confirmed that I was a monster. It also confirmed what I’d already known. I could get what I wanted. Guilt ridden, I stared into her watery eyes and knew that I could get it any way I wanted it as well. Behind—perhaps because of—the guilt, there was an obscene electric thrill.

My dick was rock hard and throbbing, and her voice was pure sex to my ears. That was what I’d been waiting for. In that moment, I’d won my little game. Even if I never got around to fucking her, she was mine. Item two was checked off my list. Of course, now that I had her, I was going to take full advantage of the situation. I’d get her to say it again, with an open mouth and half stained by my cum. I was going to have a lot of fun before I worried about item three. I felt like I was going to throw up.

“So Luna, back to my original question.” I slid up to her and gently caressed the length of her neck as I whispered in her ear, “Have you ever sucked a cock?” I swallowed my emotions, forcing them down into my uneasy stomach.

I could feel her muscles tense under her skin as she spoke, she was fighting to stay calm. “We… have.”

“And do you remember how?” I pulled her close, and she let me. Her resistance faded under my touch.

She let out some held breath as she spoke, “We… yes.”

“Good.” I practically purred in her ear, breathing hotly as I tried to remember what layer of hell was reserved for traitors.

“Please…” She closed her eyes as a great sadness took her, “We beg thee. Reconsider thy path. T’s not too late to be forgotten.”

I acted smug. I had to be strong. I pulled back and stared into her sad eyes, “Why would I want to forget this?”

“Is this truly what thee wanteth? Moreso than our company?” Her desperate eyes searched mine looking for something that I knew couldn’t be there. I’d buried it. Right?

“I...” I faltered. Staring into her eyes, it felt like she could see my soul. She could see through me, and I into her. I was hurting her, and hurting her hurt me.

I didn’t know what to do. I could take her, I could take everything. But what would I lose?

I froze up, my hand stuck to the side of her neck just feeling her pulse. She wasn’t straining to control herself anymore. She’d relaxed and accepted her situation. I was the one caught in confusion, my mind running down the same beaten paths over and over like some sick roller coaster I couldn’t get off. I wanted to throw up.

I almost let my thoughts leak out. “Do...” No. She didn’t. No one did. But she cared. And that was more than I’d had before. What was I doing? Why was I crying?

Luna let a small confident smile slowly grew on her face. “Your heart speaks louder than your words.”

Large blue wings embraced me as I sobbed. Sobbed doesn’t do it justice, really. I wailed, cried, bawled, and sniffled into her shoulder. I wept until I couldn’t cry anymore, until the well of tears was dried up and her coat was smeared in snot. She held me silently, never doing more than gently stroking my head. All the while I trembled in her embrace.

My family was shattered, I was useless, and I had done nothing but hurt people and betray them. I was supposed to be a man, but I had nothing. Not even my dignity was left. I wasn’t even a child. Children had parents. The only word that seemed fit to describe me was pathetic.

I briefly hoped that Luna knew what I was, so I asked, “What am I?”

“Though art lost.”

“It’s… It’s not fair.”

“We suppose life never is.” She gently stroked my back with one of her wings.

“Can you make it go away?”

Her answer was fast and confident, “We can not. We have wished it were so for ourselves, but the burden is unequally shared.” She added as an afterthought “Some suffer more than others.”

“I know… I mean… I don’t want to suffer any more. Ever.” I wanted to stop talking. I needed to stop talking. Item three demanded I shut up, and I knew that.

She sounded apprehensive, “We do not understand.”

There was a voice in my head. It made demands. Don’t say anything. Stop talking. Now.

I had to stop. I needed to stop. Item three was the only thing I had left. But some small part of my brain went anyway and betrayed the rest of me. It called out and begged, “Can you make my life go away?”

Can you save me?

I don’t want to die…

Luna held me. I waited for her response as I realized what I’d said. All my plans laid to waste, and now I had nothing. My last desperate plea had left me, and now I was at her mercy. I knew it was too late. She wouldn’t kill me now that I’d asked, and I’m not—I couldn’t do it myself.

Her grip tightened on me, and then she spoke, “We have a proposal.”

I thought for a moment, but what else could I do? “Sure...” I sniffled.

“Let you and I put your victory on hold. T’s not fair to rob thee of thy victory.” I wanted to laugh. She was still worried about that, after all my plans had fallen through. After what I tried to do to her. Luna sure was something alien to me.

Still, she needed to know, “It wasn’t an honest victory.” The guilt of tricking her was still eating away at the bottom of my stomach. Telling her only eased it a little, the gnawing pain briefly wavering to nausea.

Her grip loosened a little, “Dids’t thee cheat?”

What I’d done was mislead her and trick her, not cheat at the game,“No...” I got briefly angry, I never cheat at games.

“Then t wast honest enough.”

I let the rage go. It died a hollow death before it could grow into a monster, “...”

Luna began to speak confidently. Clearly she was coming up with a plan. “We shall put thy victory on hold. And then we shall have a dialogue as adults.”

“I’m not an adult.” I still had a month.

Her voice was calm and collected, “We shall treat thee as nothing else.”

“Adults don’t cry...” I felt empty, and my words felt hollow.

I could almost hear her smile, “We assure thee, adults do indeed cry.”

“Why doesn’t it feel like you’re treating me like an adult?” I clung to her, keeping my face turned away.

“Please, doth thee accept?” She knew I was delaying having the conversation. Coming up with excuses and reasons to not talk to her about it.

I needed to stop. I’d failed enough already, one more wouldn’t hurt my cause anymore. She could have my secrets. “Sure.” I couldn’t make things worse.

She sighed, “We.. I am grateful.”

I finally stepped back from her, noticing the mess on her shoulder where my head had been. Luna looked calm, her hair gently blowing and twinkling as she lowered her wings.

“Thank you for choosing me.” She smiled at me.

I couldn’t look at her. What was I supposed to say? Your welcome for not raping you? A real adult would never be in this situation to begin with. Hell, any person that was actually good at all wouldn’t be in this situation.

“While I’m flattered that you find me attractive, you must realize that my initial thoughts had been far less generous.”

Justifiably.

“I had briefly thought that every interaction we’d had up until now had been with that goal in mind.”

I flinched. It wasn’t far from the truth.

“Back home, I only have two types of mortals that are not afraid of me. Those that I consider family, and those that want something. Some want my power, some want my money, and some want my body.” She gestured down herself with her wings.

That was me then. I knew what I was, and I thought she did as well. I tried to explain it to her, “But… I...”

She interrupted me, not letting me continue, “Indeed. You wanted more from me. But first, before that, you wanted me. And you chose me.” Luna stood a little taller when she said that. “For that I am thankful. Life is not fair after all, I cannot help it if I am desirable.” She sighed wistfully.

I wasn’t sure if she was serious, or trying to make light of the situation. Her humor is occasionally odd, and her vanity extreme.

She looked at me thoughtfully. “This morning you were fine. Throughout the day you grew strange, and by late night, you were… wrong. Why?”

“I… it’s… not something… that’s easy.” I found it hard to speak at all right then. “I mean, for me to talk about.”

She dipped her head, “I beg you to try. Please.”

“I’m not normal. I get angry and stuff. And I act stupid when I’m angry. You know.”

“I am aware.”

“Well, have you ever, you know, hurt somebody when you’re angry?” I knew the answer.

She didn’t look at me right away, instead glancing to the side as she spoke, “We… I… yes.”

“Yeah. I hurt a few people too.”

She closed her eyes and looked to the floor.

I couldn’t look at her either, “I even… I killed my friend.”

Luna looked back up at me, surprise in her eyes.

I was empty. My cards were on the table, and I was going to let her see everything now. I was too empty to hurt when I thought about it, everything was numb when I spoke. “I was eleven. We got into an argument about something stupid. I don’t even remember what it was. A card game or something. I just remember getting angry and seeing red. And then blood. I punched him until I was covered in blood. When I realized what happened, I went and got my dad. He just said he’d take care of it, that he’d protect me. I didn’t know what he meant, or what had happened. Just that I’d done something really bad, and that things would never be the same anymore.”

As I spoke, the feeling came back to me. In a way, I felt lighter. It became easier to talk.

“We moved then. Dad said it was because of taxes, but we all knew why. We bought the house and land from the family of his secretary. It was the only place we could move quickly. My sister was afraid of me. She fought to not go to the same school with me and fought to stay away from me. I pretended I didn’t notice. She began to stay with her new friends for weeks at a time, just to be out of the house. When she was home, she’d scream and yell until our parents let her leave. I don’t think she can look at me.”

I didn’t hate them. I didn’t hate any of them. I only hated myself.

“Mom tried to pretend everything was normal for a while, but Dad started spending more and more time with his secretary. And he started drinking too. Mom tried going with him on his trips, even though she hated it. I was only twelve, and I’d be left alone for weeks at a time. They were just getting away from me. I know what they actually see when they look at me. They don’t see their son, they see a monster.”

And there it was. I was a monster, plain as day. No one could deny it, and no one could forget it. My life was stained.

“After a few years, Mom stopped trying. My sister moved out permanently and Mom stopped going on the trips with Dad. Instead, she went on her own trips, taking Derek with her instead. Everybody traveled across the world, as far as they could possibly get from me. “

I was on a roll now. Luna looked like she had something to say, but I wasn’t done.

“And I stayed here. Playing my games, locked in a house all alone where I couldn’t hurt anybody. I’d forgotten what it was like to have anybody that cared, or anybody that I cared about. Even when I went to school, I didn’t talk to anybody. It wasn’t worth it. I’d just hurt them and drive them away, so I didn’t bother. I didn’t care. And here you are, just in a day, making me tell you everything. Making me care.” I accused her.

There it was. Everything but the plans. “I decided I didn’t want this. I knew I couldn’t do it. I just can’t do it. I can’t kill myself. But, after our fight when I was shopping, I thought that maybe…”

As I spoke, it finally occurred to me how incredibly selfish I had been, “I could get you to kill me.”

Luna looked at me with large, sad eyes.

“And… I thought that if I was going to die… I wanted to… be with you… first.” I shrugged helplessly.

Things had not gone well. Instead of having my way with her, and then finishing this whole mess called life, there I was crying. I was crying and blubbering like some little kid who couldn’t even follow through with their actions. I had no control over myself when I was angry, and now I had no control over myself ever. My life was one big wild and painful mess. I just wanted it to end.

Luna opened her mouth, and then closed it, deciding not to speak yet. I didn’t know what to say, so I sat down and wiped my face with my arm. The snot was drying up, and I could almost talk without sobbing.

“You have been through much.”

I didn’t know what to say. People had gone through more than me. But what I’d been through, it still hurt.

“Had you been one of my charges, I’d have helped before it came to this. But here...” Luna gestured apologetically, “I am sorry.”

I laughed sadly. “What could you do about it? Earth is a sad place. My story is better than a lot of kids. At least I’m rich.”

“Money and happiness are not the same. I can not help all, only those I find.” Luna looked at me curiously. And her stars went out when she spoke, “And now, does thou truly wish to die?”

I didn’t answer, I couldn’t look at her.

“We has't power to maketh t painless. We've done t ere.” Her voice began to echo, hinting at emptiness. The void that she hid inside was leaking out, calling to me underneath her words.

“I… just want it to stop hurting.” I hid my eyes with both hands. “Please.” I couldn’t look at her when I spoke. I didn’t know if I wanted to die anymore, all I knew was that I wanted it to be over. All of it.

A small pitiful smile graced her face, and she was normal again, “I shall not holp as thee wish.”

She put her arm on my head, stroking it gently like I had done to her before.

“But I shall do what I can.”

I bitterly rolled my eyes. “My family is gone. My Dad’s staying in Taiwan and marrying his secretary, and my Mom...” I screamed, “is fucking Derek in Mexico right fucking now!” I got angry and stood up, pushing her arm away. “My sister is never coming home if she can help it, and Mom is only going to come home to take what she can grab.” Luna frowned as my voice rose. “It’s over.” I seethed, the boiling anger finally spilling through. “My Family is over! I’m going to stay here, alone.” I angrily spat out the last bit, “until the day I die.”

I wanted to hit something. I almost did.

Luna didn’t console me, “Its sounds as though you are mostly correct.”

Of course I was right. I knew I was right.

Luna tilted her head at me, “But I ask you, is this what you want?”

For a moment, I stared agape at her, “Are you serious?” My rage mixed with confusion, Was she stupid? Did she not understand me at all? “No, this is not what I fucking want!”

She deadpanned to me, as though it was obvious, “Then change it.”

I froze. She was serious. “Change it?”

She calmly nodded. “Yes.”

It seemed impossible, but she was magic. There must have been something she could do! “You.. can do that?”

“No.”

I angrily frowned. Of course she was just fucking with me. I couldn’t figure out why, but she hadn’t exactly been trying to calm me down. My fist balled tighter as I began to seethe. Everybody was stupid, and everybody got their kicks in on me.

Luna noticed my growing rage, so she clarified, “But you can.”

I paused. Maybe she wasn’t intentionally messing with me. I knew I should explain first, “I… can’t. I can’t fix my family. I’ll never change what they think of me.”

“I did not mean the impossible. Your family has left, there is little you can do about that. They have chosen. You still can choose.” She gestured to herself, “As you have in the past, you can in the future.”

Now she really wasn’t making sense. “I don’t get it.”

“Before, you chose me. You can not ‘fix’ your family. So do not choose them. Choose your self.” She pointed a wing at me as she spoke. “You do not wish to stay here alone, correct?”

What I wanted didn’t matter, “I.. yeah… I guess?”

“Then do not.” She continued to speak matter of factly.

I needed to explain it better, “But I’m dangerous.” Most people don’t fly into a blind rage. Most people haven’t killed anybody. I’d hurt somebody if I spent time with them—Either physically or emotionally. Maybe I’d even do the worst.

“And so am I.”

That didn’t change my problem, “What if I hurt somebody?”

“You probably will. It’s the nature of life.” She shrugged.

I began to reassess her. I hadn’t thought she’d be that careless with others. I certainly hadn’t been, “It’s not worth the risk.” My hands began to relax.

“And staying here miserable and alone is a life not worth living.” She raised an eyebrow at me, “Trust me. I have made that choice. It was one of my most grievous mistakes.”

I didn’t get it, but I wasn’t angry anymore. I worked through what she said, “So... That leaves one option. There’s no choice. I don’t want to suffer, and I can’t risk hurting people. Do you want me to kill myself?”

Luna wore an appalled look, “Stars no! What I mean is to choose yourself.”

I shouted back at her, “What does that mean?” I clearly did not understand, or she was clearly an idiot.

Luna took a deep breath and then smiled peacefully, “It is like this: What do you want?”

I glanced pitifully at the floor. “To not hurt anymore.”

She used her wing to gesture for me to keep talking, “And what has helped in the past, to ease your pain?”

“You did…” She continued to gesture, “and I guess before things got bad, Mom and Dad. Sometimes Jenny.”

Her question was leading, “And so, besides the unthinkable, this leaves open a path to lessen your pain, does it not?”

“Well. Mom, Dad, and Jenny are gone… But I guess… You?” I was honestly getting more confused by the moment.

She continued the gesture with her wing, “And what am I to you, that I should lessen your pain?”

“You’re… a friend.” Like that, it clicked.

“Yes. I am a friend.” She smiled wider. “And so what do you need to feel less pain?”

“I need… more friends?” I’d figured out her puzzle.

“Correct.” She smiled happily.

That didn’t solve my problem. No one liked me, I wasn’t very likeable, “But people don’t like me. I’m mean.”

“You are mean.” She shrugged dismissively, “But there are many people. You are like a strongly spiced dish. Most will probably find you offensive.” Yeah, I knew that. “But some will enjoy the spice with the flavor you bring.”

My mind didn’t know how to process that. It didn’t make sense. People would like me even though I was mean?

“But.. how… how do you know people will like me?” I couldn’t believe her. She was talking, but the words didn’t feel like they made sense.

“Because I do.” She grinned victoriously.

It couldn’t be that easy. It didn’t make sense. “But... what about the people that don’t like me?”

“If you have chosen yourself, what does it matter what they think? Focus on those that do like you. You will find them, but you must look. They may be rare, but that makes them precious to you. You are young, and your mind is in turmoil, but your heart is strong. There are those that appreciate that more than anything.”

“So I just ‘choose myself’ and I’m happy?” It sounded impossible.

Luna explained further, “No. But you’ll hurt less. Happy is something that may be a long ways away, but I do not believe it is unreachable.”

“How do you know that?”

She spoke pensively, “I am old and have made many mistakes. I have trodden down dark and lonely paths. I have also traveled with others.” She then winked at me, “I know which is easier.” She smiled.

I thought about it. I wasn’t happy. Nothing was better. My family was still split up and they were still avoiding me. I had still cried my heart out to a strange alien after almost doing something terrible to her. I still hurt, I was still upset.

But I didn’t feel quite as empty.