It's kind of hard to describe what it's like to be hit by a rainbow laser superweapon of doom.

(...)

Hey, I'm the only one in the room with any experience regarding being blasted by your precious Elements, so I'll call it whatever the fuck I like. The super doom laser of rainbows was like being hit by a thousand angry suns-

(...)

Stop interrupting me, damn it, it's my goddamn story! I'm trying to describe an experience that can't properly be described, so cut me some slack! It was warm and burning and soft and hard and all these other strange, fucked up things that I don't have words for, so if I wanna say it was like being hit by a thousand angry suns then I'm gonna do it! All I know for sure is that it knocked me out for god only knows how long and that's not even the start. Now this is going to sound strange, but after the Elements hit me I woke up in some sort of void, an almost ethereal place full of stars and nebulae that seemed to stretch on forever in all directions. I know, it's mental and it was probably just some sort of hallucination, but I was left floating along, disoriented and confused, and wondering just what in the hell happened to me.

Am I dead, I wondered? There was no pain, no fear, no hate...maybe I was. I still honestly don't know how your world works, not entirely, so perhaps I had slipped into some sort of Limbo. And you've gone all inscrutable again. Don't deny it, I recognize that look on your face. Nightmare Moon had a similar look. Yes, I just compared you to Nightmare Moon. Deal with it. So, yeah, I floated along, feeling quite lost as time seemed to drag along at a snail's pace. Had hours passed by as I drifted? Days? It wasn't exactly all that easy to tell, considering everything looked the same and the light never got any less bright. After what felt like an inordinately long period of time passed, something finally happened. The light ahead of me started to take shape, an amorphous cloud of prismatic light that shifted through the entire color spectrum seemingly at random.

What is it, why is it, what is going on? All these questions and more passed through my mind in rapid succession, the cloud of light seemingly solidifying into a vague representation of the pony form, though it wasn't exactly sticking to a single shape. It's hard to describe, really, as I've never seen anything quite like it. Still, I felt no fear or even the slightest trepidation as this...thing floated in front of me, only an odd sense of warmth and comfort. There was also a sense of regret, but the feeling wasn't coming from me. It was emanating from the being of prismatic light. Finally, I mustered up the will to speak.

"Who...what are you?" I asked it, my voice hardly recognizable. It was my old voice, my human voice, and when I realized this I could feel a solid surface under my feet. Let me say that again. Under my feet. I was human again, my body feeling awkward and clumsy after so long in the form of an equine. I suppose I should have felt elated to be back to my old self but...well, to be frank all I felt was tired. Tired of everything. The creature seemed to study me, the regret I felt pulsing stronger briefly, before it responded in a voice that was both young and old, male and female, as if a thousand different people were speaking at once.

"We are One, We are All," it began vaguely, much to my irritation. Cryptic sounding nonsense, just what I needed. "We are the Beginning, the End and all that lies Between. We bring Order out of Chaos and bring Peace where there is Unrest." The feeling of regret it was giving off grew stronger again. "We wish to apologize to you, who We have wronged. We could not return things to the way they should be." This seemed to pain the being greatly. "Too much time, too much distance. We could not repair the damage that We helped to cause." Its form shifted, mimicking my own for just a second before returning to that of a pony once more. "We can only grant you a second chance and wish you well." The being's form pulsed with power and heat crept along my skin. "May you one day find peace." The light grew brighter and brighter, until my world was consumed by it and I knew no more.

0o0o0o0o0o0

After taking this time I've spent in your "care" to mull things over, I think I know what that being was. Yeah, that was some sort of representation of the Elements, wasn't it? You don't have to answer, it's fairly obvious given what it said and the whole rainbow light body thing it had going on. Had I been on the verge of death and only its intervention brought me back? If that's the case, I have to be honest...I wish it hadn't. I'm so, so tired. When I woke from whatever state I'd been in, it was like coming out of a terrible dream. And yet, I was still afraid. The world was too bright, too vibrant, the sun shining in through one of the shattered windows and piercing my eyelids, making my head throb painfully. I felt so weak, so terribly, terribly vulnerable and when I opened my eyes I expected to be shattered, my body wrecked by whatever attack the Elements had unleashed upon me. Strangely, though, despite the weakness and feeling utterly exhausted, I felt better than I had in over a thousand years.

It's rather odd, realizing you'd been weighed down by so much only after you're no longer burdened by it. It didn't make me feel any better without whatever had been taken, though. In fact, I felt practically naked. I of course realize that might not mean much to a species that is almost always in the nude, but it wasn't a very comfortable feeling. Oddly the fact I hadn't awoken as a human helped ease my growing sense of panic. Not all that surprising given I'd spent a thousand years as an equine alien, but I digress. You stood with your student and her friends, the sun at your backs, while I lay amidst the shattered remnants of my armor, with something lumpy and squirming underneath me. I looked down, finding myself sprawled across the back of a strangely familiar young mare, while you and the girls stared at the two of us in shock. I pushed myself off of her with a grimace, my limbs not wanting to obey me, proving that my perceived vulnerability was, in fact, a reality.

"What gives?" Rainbow Dash asked, glancing between the as yet unidentified mare and myself several times. "Wasn't there just one bad guy? Why did the Elements split him in two?"

"And they're practically twins ta boot," Applejack noted, causing me to take as good a look at myself as I could without a mirror. Coat, mane, tail, all matched the colors the still unconscious mare was sporting, though unlike her I lacked a Cutie Mark. Second chance, Elements? More like a joke played in extremely poor taste. I identified the mare, glaring at her as the realization settled in. The Elements had separated us and turned me into her fraternal twin.

"Artemis?" You asked to confirm, to which I responded with a terse nod. "I knew the Elements were powerful but this...this is extraordinary."

"So if that's King Meany, then who's that?" Pinkie Pie asked what they were likely all wondering, hoof pointed first at me, then Luna.

"Celestia's sister, Luna," I rasped, my throat feeling terribly dry, making it painful to talk. "You might know her better as Nightmare Moon, the one from your precious little prophecy." I shook my head, looking over the six mares who had used the Elements, smiling wearily. "I never thought I'd be so happy to have been so thoroughly humiliated by a bunch of little girls." I could tell that they didn't appreciate being called little girls, but I didn't much care. "Yet here we are." I closed my eyes, reveling in the silence. No more browbeating, no more orders, no more nagging, complaining or insults. Just me and my thoughts for the first time in over a thousand years. "Thank you." I found myself crying, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I've been tired for so, so long now. No matter what happens I next, I can never thank you enough for stopping me."

"Oh, goodness, are you alright?" Rarity asked, my shift in mood clearly having thrown her and the others off a bit.

"I'll be fine," I lied, wiping my eyes with one fetlock and turning my attention to you. "So, when is the guard getting here? I can't imagine you coming without backup."

"W-what is he talking about?" Fluttershy asked quietly, the six looking to you for answers. "A-are the guard on their way here?"

"Well, they'll be disappointed when they get here too late to help," Rainbow remarked, her ego on display for all to see. "We totally saved the day before they could so much as lift a hoof!" I saw Applejack roll her eyes, telling me she'd seen the pegasus act like this before. Were they friends before their shared misadventure, I wondered? Possible, though I let the thought go just as quickly as it had come. It didn't matter, after all. Not to me, anyway.

"I can't wait till we get back to Ponyville!" Pinkie exclaimed, literally bouncing in her excitement. "I can throw the first 'We Totally Saved The Day' party ever!" She looked around at the rest of us. "You're all invited and there will be cake and balloons and-"

"Sounds like it'd be fun, but I'll have to miss it I'm afraid," I cut her off before she could get a good head of steam going, having heard her speaking at full speed before after all.

"What?" She looked at me like I had just kicked a puppy. "Why would you ever even consider missing a perfectly good party?!"

"I have a...prior engagement," I replied evasively, my eyes meeting yours. They didn't need to know what I'd done, I reasoned, but I still had to pay for it. I deserved and still deserve to pay for the pain I've caused. I would have left it at that, but that student of yours is one smart young mare. She caught the look that passed between us, my evasive tone, and connected the dots.

"Wait," the unicorn interjected hastily. "You're arresting him?"

"What?!" Rainbow Dash was astonished, as if I hadn't done anything illegal that needed to be addressed, even without the knowledge of my attack on Canterlot. "But we won!"

"I'm afraid it isn't that simple, my little ponies," you began gently, my gaze settling on the stone beneath my hooves. "Artemis has committed crimes against Equestria and its citizens, the attempt on my own life notwithstanding."

"Well, shoot, we ain't gonna press charges or nothin'," Applejack said, elbowing Rainbow pointedly. "Right?"

"O-oh, yeah, right," Rainbow quickly agreed. It's almost cute how naive they are, your ponies. This world must be a rather...gentle place. "So no problem...right?"

"No, there are definitely problems," I muttered, glancing at Luna, who had begun to stir. "Ah, look who's finally decided to join us."

"W-where am I?" She asked, eyes fluttering open at last. "Sister?" Of course she focused on you.

"Princess Luna," you began sternly, your sister flinching as you approached her. "It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this." I couldn't help but stare at you as you lowered yourself to the floor, looking the mare who had tormented me for that entire time in the eyes. No way, I thought, watching as your gaze softened. "It is time to put our differences-"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I interrupted what might have otherwise been a touching moment, springing to my hooves in outrage, my voice cracking with emotion. "You're just going to forgive her, after everything she did?"

"My sister has served her sentence," you replied coldly, meeting my glare with your infuriatingly steely gaze. "A thousand years imprisonment was more than enough-"

"You don't get it, do you?" I interrupted you again, your eyes narrowing in annoyance. "She didn't spend those thousand years repenting for her sins, or some nonsense like that!" I focused my glare on Luna, who remained silent, her crestfallen appearance only angering me even more. "I was put through hell by that...that thing you call your sister, all so she could use me to kill you!"

"I won't let you speak of her with such disrespect," you said, tone absolutely frigid as you rose to your hooves. "You have no idea what-"

"No, you don't get to just brush this off!" I snapped while striding towards you, doing my best to ignore the way the world began to swim in and out of focus. "I was tortured, manipulated, deprived of sleep and practically brainwashed! I won't let her just get off with just a slap on the wrist!" I found myself staggering, the earlier weakness I had experienced coming back tenfold as adrenaline failed to keep me going. "You...she..." And I didn't even feel myself hit the floor.

0o0o0o0o0o0

I sit at the center of some grand courtroom, rune etched iron shackles hobbling my legs, a metal band binding my wings to my sides and a chunky ring around the base of my horn blocking my magic. The retelling of events has left me tired, my stay in the Canterlot dungeons having not exactly been all that conducive to getting restful nights of sleep, either. I imagine I'm quite the sight, though there aren't many present to see me so humbled. Celestia sits in what I can only assume is the judge's chair, but there are no jurors, lawyers or bailiffs. Just her, the guards who had escorted me and the wrinkled old mare who had been recording it all "for posterity". So I raise my eyes to look at the mare who sits in judgement of me, more than ready for these proceedings to finally come to a close.

"There's nothing more to tell," I inform her, tone reflecting how defeated I feel. "I spent a few weeks in a cell, far more comfortable than I'd expected, but that's it. No more to this sad little story other than how it finishes." I raise my chin, one last show of defiance. "So, Celestia, what is it going to be?" I can only pray she doesn't send me back. Another stay on the moon would break me, I'm sure of it. "Beheading, perhaps? I can't think of much else that would be a surefire way to kill an alicorn, so when's my execution scheduled for?"

"You...expect me to have you killed?" She asks, as if surprised. How can she act so puzzled? I killed and injured dozens of her ponies, attempted to assassinate her and overthrow her rule, so how can I not be slated from the chopping block? "My sister and I abolished the death penalty when we first became the rulers of Equestria." My eyes widen and my ears fold tightly against my head, fear causing my heart to race. No, no, she can't send me back!

"I-if you have any mercy, don't send me back," I plead shamelessly, not caring about looking like a scared little boy as the prospect of going back to that hell shakes me to the core. "I'll leave Equestria, the continent, anything, just don't send me back!"

"Anything? Really?" What is with that twinkle in her eyes? Doesn't she realize how serious this is?! "Very well then." She nods to the court reporter, who gets ready to record whatever the mad mare has to say next. "Artemis, you have been found guilty of attempted regicide, inciting rebellion against the crown, the murder and assault of our guards and citizens. I hereby pronounce your sentence." I could only wait, the silence dragging on forever before she continues. "You are to spend no less than the next two hundred years in service to Equestria." Okay, I will admit, I wasn't expecting that.

"What?" I ask, completely dumbfounded. "That's it?" I cannot believe I'm objecting to my sentence, but how can that be it? "I did all those things and you're giving me community service?!"

"Thanks to what you said back in the ruins of our old castle, your testimony here in court and the...intervention of somepony on your behalf, I realized that I cannot judge you without taking the circumstances that led to your decisions into account," Celestia replies, causing me to blink at her stupidly. "While you chose to commit the crimes I have listed, you did not do so on your own initiative. I believe it is more than fair to say that without the actions of Nightmare Moon to turn you into a weapon to wield against me, you would not have chosen the path you took. This is still a punishment, however, so you will be required to follow certain restrictions."

"A-anything," I say readily, still unable to believe my luck. I'm not going back and I have a good idea why. If she judged me harshly, she'd need to do the same to Luna, otherwise she'd be one massive hypocrite. Either that or these ponies are the most forgiving creatures in the entire universe.

"You will be required to wear this," Celestia begins, conjuring what I can only describe as a collar, however fancy it looks. "It will replace the inhibitor you wear, allowing me to track your position at all times and control your magic should the need arise." The shackles, wing binders and horn ring vanish, only for the collar to appear around my neck. A snug fit, but at least it isn't choking me. "You will also not be allowed to leave Canterlot without permission and even then you will require an escort. Any infractions against the crown or our citizens will result in your immediate banishment." I swallow thickly, making a mental note to behave. "Finally you will be assigned someone to monitor you, to make certain you follow the conditions of your parole. You will serve Equestria and safeguard its citizens in whatever way he or she decides." She raises an eyebrow as she smiles in a coy way. "Do you understand the conditions and terms of your sentence as I have described them to you?"

"Yes," I reply without hesitation. "I...I don't know what to say right now, though. Why are you letting me off so lightly after everything I've done?"

"Forgiveness is a quality we hold close to our hearts, Artemis," Celestia informs me. "No one is beyond redemption and even the most wicked deserve a chance to make up for their mistakes. This will not be an easy path, as many ponies will fear you for your crimes. They will even condemn you for them." She sighs. "My little ponies are good at heart, but they are not perfect by any means. Knowing that you must bear their judgement despite what has been determined here today, and that a difficult path has been laid before you, are you prepared to face the days ahead?"

"I am prepared," I say firmly, not caring that they will judge me. They have every right to hate me for what I've done, after all. "I'll do my best not to waste this chance." Do I deserve it? No, of course I don't. I don't understand what she could be thinking, really, but how can I complain? Am I supposed to say: no, please, banish me to the moon again, I deserve it? I can't go back there, I just can't, but...but why? Is she just planning on using me, then? A nice, useful little tool to parade around as a trophy of her victory? Or is she somehow serious regarding all that bullshit about second chances and forgiveness? Ugh, these ponies don't make any fucking sense!

"The guards will show you to your new quarters," Celestia tells me while I'm busy wondering just what is going on in that scheming head of hers. "I truly hope that you understand how serious this is. I am risking a great deal in giving you this chance."

"I promise to do my best not to let you down," I reply, offering her the shakiest of smiles. This was going to be hard, but I had to at least try, right?

0o0o0o0o0o0

Celestia watched as Artemis was escorted out of the courtroom and the court records keeper leaves with her transcripts, sighing wearily and letting her posture slump a bit when she was finally alone.

"Are you sure about this?" She asked, gaze turning to her right as Luna stepped out of the shadows of one of the nearby alcoves. "If he chooses to again embrace the darkness, I won't have any choice but to banish you as well."

"I am indeed certain, Celestia," Luna replies firmly, gaze lingering on the now shut courtroom doors. "I am as much to blame as he for the crimes committed against our subjects and I could not bear receiving leniency while he is punished."

"But sister, you are not-" Celestia cut herself short as Luna raised one hoof and shook her head, the alicorn of the sun sighing once more. "Very well. I just hope you are right about him."

"As do I, my sister," Luna murmured as she slipped back into the shadows. "As do I."

0o0o0o0o0o0

It's a strange thing, finding yourself staring at what looks like a perfectly comfortable bed, with clean linens and a fluffy pillow, all the while dreading the idea of climbing in and going to sleep. Questions still gnaw at me, like why Celestia chose to be so lenient. Granted, two hundred years in service to a nation I care nothing about isn't going to be fun by any stretch of the imagination but she could have done far worse considering my crimes. So why? She also mentioned someone having spoken on my behalf. I don't know anyone here other than her, so who could have done it? I'm also afraid that if I go to sleep I'll just wake up to find that this had all been some sort of wishful dream. It's silly, of course, but fears are very rarely rational in nature.

"Can I even do this?" I whisper, having to struggle to summon enough magic to draw back the sheets. "It all seems so surreal." And why wouldn't it? Just a few weeks ago I'd been crazed with hunger for hatred and pain, yet here I am, almost if none of it happened. Were it not for the memories that linger in my mind, I bet I'd be able to convince myself of such a lie, but no. No, I really was mad, driven insane by isolation, dark magic and the constant abuse of a power hungry tyrant. The Elements had done something to me beyond giving me my own body. Just how powerful are they to be able to do so much, yet still be so limited? They couldn't fix what they had broken, admitting to me that they had been part of why I had ended up merged with Nightmare Moon. The question, then, is what else contributed to it?

"Why do I even care?" I groan, allowing myself to fall into the soft mattress, muzzle pressing firmly into one of the pillows. "It's done. This is my life now, so I should just get used to it." I've traded a penal colony for a gilded cage. I suppose it could always be worse, but right now I'm too tired to think about it anymore. But I don't want to sleep. Yet, despite my wishes, my eyelids grow heavier and, soon, I'll be asleep.

0o0o0o0o0o0

I'm back in those barren wastes, the terrain shattered and melted by the fury of our battle. She's pinned beneath me, helpless, and all I have to do is strike. My hoof raises, poised to land the final blow...and descends without the slightest hesitation. I strike again, and again, the meaty thumps of hoof striking flesh soon becoming wet, the crunch of bone joining it shortly after as I furiously pound her skull into paste. The red blood of her life covers my hoof guards, fragments of bone and...other things mixed in with the slick, sickeningly sweet smelling liquid. I stare at them, panting harshly, and the world shifts and spins. I'm in the throne room, standing atop the rubble, screams of the wounded and frightened filling my ears. Ponies lay around me, dead or dying, crushed by my grand entrance as their blood seeps from beneath the shattered pieces of masonry. Again the world spins and I'm in the ruined castle they once shared, standing over Applejack, her head twisted at an angle that shouldn't be possible, eyes wide and face locked in an expression of pain and fear. Then her eyes swivel in their sockets, locking on to me, accusing me, demanding to know why I would do this and I scream.

0o0o0o0o0o0

My scream echoes in the small, dark room as I jerk upright, heart pounding in my chest as the nightmare is fresh in my mind. I pant for breath, trying to calm down as I stare at my hooves, still able to see the blood, see her eyes, and I roll out of bed and thrust open the balcony doors. I need air and I stumble out, sucking in great lung fulls of the cool, crisp night, the moon bright in the sky above me. As I watch the stars emerge, one by one, painting an elegant canvass across the deep, midnight blue of the sky, and my raging heartbeat starts to slow. The only solace during those thousand years was seeing those shining jewels, appearing to be so close I felt I could reach out and pluck one from the canvass of the night. I take several more deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down and gaze out over the city below. A city I would have happily destroyed not so long ago. I step up to the railing, staring straight down at the ground below and consider it.

No. Not only would the fall not be enough to kill me, I could never take that route. I'm too selfish, I guess, though so many would likely be happier if I did. I let out a snort. Fuck them. I'm here to stay, whether any of us like it or not. So I sigh, turn, and return to bed, wondering why it feels like there are eyes on my back.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Luna stares at the now empty balcony, perched in the shadows of another not so far away. For a moment she had feared he would leap, hurl himself to the hard cobblestone of the palace grounds below. But then he had seemed to shake whatever had consumed him off and returned to his room. She wants to cross the distance, speak with him, yet knows to do so would be pointless. As if he would wish to speak with her, of all ponies. She only hopes that, one day, he can move on with his new life. For all their sakes.

0o0o0o0o0o0

The night passed slowly, painfully, my sleep tormented by further visions of my sins. Finally able to sleep, yet denied the ability to rest. I suppose I must pay my dues somehow, so why not this way? I functioned on little sleep for most of my adult life back on Earth, after all, so this would be no different. After taking care of certain biological issues, and after figuring out how the toilet and shower work when I have to work with hooves instead of hands, makes me wonder again how the ponies even open doors with these things, I'm left wondering just what to do with myself while brushing the tangles out of my mane. Magic is still difficult, like it's being strangled and the source is weak to begin with, but I doubt this would be possible without it. God, I really do look just like her. I stare at my reflection, mindlessly brushing, tugging at the snags, and grind my teeth. Now this is truly hell, being forced to wear her face.

"What a sick joke," I growl, tossing aside the brush once I finish. I want to break the mirror, my pupils narrowing to slits as I watch. The sight is enough to startle me and I stagger backwards, ears pinned back as I stare in shock. Had I imagined it? I creep back up to the reflective glass, looking at my eyes, yet they're no longer those I dreaded to see. Yeah, must have been imagining it. I suddenly let out a little yelp, the sound of a knock at my chamber door having startled me. Damn it, now I'm getting jumpy.

"What?" I snap, only to flinch and sigh. Yelling at someone for giving me a scare isn't a good way to start out. "I mean...what is it?" I ask, more civilly this time.

"May I come in?" Female, soft, muffled by the door. Maid? One way to find out I guess.

"Sure, why not?" I sigh again, squaring my shoulders and turning to face the door as it opens...and stare at the pony that steps through it.

"Good morning, Prince Artemis," the mare, alicorn, regalia, sort of on the thin side, greets me. Wait, prince? What the hell is going on here? "I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but honestly I'd prefer it if you call me Cadence." She smiles, lifting up a clipboard I hadn't noticed in the grasp of her magic before. "Also, I'm here to make certain you stick to the sentence Auntie Celestia told me about." Auntie? Jesus, it's not even mid-morning and I already have a headache. "So, before we start, do you have any questions for me?"

"Why are you so goddamn pink?" I ask without thinking, giving myself a mental kick in the ass as she blinks at me, clearly taken back by what I'd just said. Great one, Dave, start out by making a complete ass of yourself. That's certain to win her over. "Sorry, forget I asked that. I'm not used to talking to anyone other than a homicidal maniac driven by jealousy and revenge."

"Right," Cadence says, the word slightly drawn out, my attitude having obviously thrown her off her game a bit. "So, um, Auntie sort of filled me in about your...situation." Oh really? I wonder how much she actually told this...girl. She seems young in a way that makes me feel ancient. Ugh, I'm turning into a fucking old man! "Are you okay?"

"What?" I ask, surprised by the question. Oh, right, spacing out and going off on a mental tangent. "Yes, yes, I'm fine." Lie, but she doesn't want to hear otherwise I'm certain. "You were saying?" She tilts her head, staring at me, my wings shuffling against my sides in discomfort. Why is she looking at me like that? "What?"

"Oh, nothing," she says in a mysterious way that reminds me of Celestia. "Well, as I was saying, I'm aware of the circumstances that brought you to us, and, you know, the things you did." Wow, she was told everything then. Great, no wonder why she was looking at me so strangely. I'm a murderous alien, why wouldn't she look at me like I'm a bug trapped under a piece of glass? "Now, personally, I don't approve of it but Auntie Celestia has assured me that you won't be any trouble."

"Kind of hard to be, all things considered," I mutter, the collar around my neck a constant reminder of my sentencing.

"So, with that in mind, I'm to put you to work." A quill that she was hiding under one wing scratched something onto the clipboard. "First order of business on the agenda today is getting you dressed." I stare at her like she's grown a second head.

"Dressed?"

0o0o0o0o0o0

"Kill me now," I say dryly as some stallion I don't know pokes me, again, with yet another pin, ears folded back in annoyance. I'm stuck standing on a pedestal, having had my measurements taken, and now I'm acting as the mannequin, or is it ponnequin(?), while Cadence looks on, seemingly enjoying my suffering.

"Oh, stop whining," she says, sounding just as amused as she looks. "You're acting like an impatient little colt."

"I'd be less, ow, impatient if this butcher didn't keep stabbing me," I hiss as I'm jabbed again, the stallion working as if I didn't exist. "Why am I being fitted for...whatever it is this cloth is going to be turned into?" So far it was just so much cloth, pinned together as it hung from my body.

"It'll be a suit and I was told to leave the why as a surprise," she tells me, her cryptic response only serving to irritate me. "Auntie was rather insistent about it, as a matter of fact."

"You keep calling her Auntie," I begin, wincing as I am yet again poked by this sadist who is fitting me for a suit of all things. "I have to say, you look nothing like her."

"That would be because I'm her adopted niece," Cadence informs me, which answers that question. "Now just be patient and we'll both find out what she has in store for you soon enough."

"I hate wait-ow, damn it! Do that again and I swear to god that I will jam those fucking pins through your eyes!"

0o0o0o0o0o0

Hours later and I now have a new suit...jacket. Yeah, why am I not surprised that these ponies don't wear pants? Still, it fit snugly, yet comfortably, and complemented my coat color instead of clashing with it. Almost makes the torture of being fitted for the damn thing worth it. It brings me an odd feeling of nostalgia wearing a suit again after so long. Well, half a suit. God, please, someone give me a pair of pants! How do these ponies walk around with everything on display all the time? Granted, I saw one or two ponies wearing skirts, but I doubt they had anything on underneath them.

"I feel so fucking exposed," I grumble under my breath as I walk along beside Cadence, wondering just where in the name of fuck we are going.

"Did you really need to threaten the tailor?" Cadence asks me for the third time since we'd left.

"The bastard kept stabbing me with inch long needles, on purpose," I remind her, again for the third time. "He only stopped once I threatened to turn the tables on him."

"By saying you'll use them to stab him in the eyes?" God, why are these ponies so sensitive?

"Yes," I reply without a single shred of hesitation. "When I threaten to do something, I'm not likely to actually do it."

"Then why?" Good question.

"It gets my point across without actually being violent," I tell her and now she's looking at me like I have grown three extra heads, all of which are spitting fire or something equally ridiculous. "Oh, for fuck's sake, stop freaking out every time I say something. I'm not a goddamn pony, remember?"

"When you walk like a pony, look like a pony and smell like a pony, it's kind of jarring when you open your mouth and end up saying some of the craziest things I've ever heard before," she informs me, which makes sense I suppose. I don't exactly know much about the culture of these ponies, so I guess I should, perhaps, try to be less abrasive. Maybe. I can try at least.

"I'll try to be more polite, but I won't make any promises," I concede, only to frown slightly as I remember something she said. "Wait, what do you mean smell?" I showered this morning, even used that flowery body wash that they had stocked in the bathroom, so how do I still smell?!

"Quiet down, we're almost there," she shushes me as we turn a corner, a pair of double doors at the end of the hall with a pair of golden armored guardsponies who immediately come to attention at our approach. Okay, now I'm getting worried. And what's that noise? I hadn't heard it till now, but the closer we get to the doors the louder it's getting. My heart beats faster when the guards open the doors and my eyes squint as sunlight floods into the hall. The sound becomes a dull roar and I finally recognize it. There is a crowd out there and a very big one at that. My knees lock up and Cadence, noticing this, moves behind me and gives me a small shove, startling me into motion. I'm suddenly standing on a grand balcony, overlooking a large courtyard packed with hundreds of different ponies, with Celestia to my right and Luna to my left. What the hell is going on here?

"My dear little ponies," Celestia says, continuing a speech I had barely registered on my sudden exit from the safety of the castle. "It brings me great joy to present to you our younger brother, Prince Artemis, returned to my sister and I after a thousand years spent in exile." What? I'm frozen, unable to even look at her, stunned by these words. "It was his noble sacrifice that granted me the time I needed to banish Nightmare Moon and, with Luna's redemption, he was finally freed from her grasp." What is she doing? What is going on?! Why is Celestia suddenly hugging me with one wing? I turn my head, my neck stiff, and look up at her. Her expression is one of overflowing joy but the steel in her eyes is unmistakable. I get it. This is some crazy political maneuver, it just has to be. It's the only explanation that makes even an iota of sense! "Smile," she instructs me while Luna brushes up against me from the other side. "You look ready to pass out."

"Are you insane?" I hiss through my teeth, doing the best I could to paint on a smile for the now cheering masses. "Is this some kind of sick joke or what?"

"My sister and I discussed how best to introduce you to our ponies," Celestia informs me quietly, raising one hoof to wave to the crowd. "The title is in name only. You will have no authority beyond what we grant you, but no alicorn has ever be anything less than royalty to them before."

"What's this bullshit about me being your long lost brother then?" I ask heatedly, wincing as Luna has now added her own wing over Celestia's.

"This was Our idea," Luna answers quietly, my gaze snapping to her, the odd use of the word "our" catching my attention. "As Mi Amore Cadenza is Our niece, thou shalt be Our brother."

"It was the easiest way to explain your striking resemblance to Luna," Celestia adds, which makes some sense when I stop to think about it. "Now wave to the good ponies for me, will you?" I take a deep breath and raise one hoof, waving to them and putting on a more convincing smile, drawing on years of customer service experience. "Thank you, my little ponies," she goes on, addressing the crowd once again. "You're all far too kind and my siblings appreciate this grand welcome. But now they must get their rest, as they are still recovering from their harrowing ordeal, trapped as they were under the hoof of Nightmare Moon." Definitely political, what with that last little statement. Yes, Nightmare Moon and this crazy homicidal alicorn guy were different people, no need to inquire further. God fucking damn you, Celestia, I didn't ask for your fucking charity.

I'm herded inside as the crowd starts to disperse, glowering as I step away from the royal sisters. Cadence stands waiting, appearing fairly surprised before she schools her expression to one of careful indifference. Celestia walks away once the doors are shut, not even sparing me another glance. I shoot a glare at her back, still feeling rather pissed off. I deserve to be treated as a criminal, damn it, not as some beloved long lost brother! Luna pauses as she moves past me, looking as if she wishes to say something. Finally she gives me a simple nod and continues on her way, much to my relief. What would she even have to say anyway? Sorry for torturing you for a thousand years? Sorry, "sis", but that doesn't cut it, something she obviously realizes.

"That was...interesting," Cadence remarks awkwardly, causing me to let out a soft little snort.

"Just don't start calling me uncle and we'll get along fine," I tell her, walking forward with purposeful strides and tugging off my tie with a short pulse of magic. "Now, where's the kitchen? I've been eating gruel for weeks and I need real food before I start eating the furniture."

"Oh, of course. We can discuss your schedule while you eat," Cadence says, catching up with me and leading the way. I go from homicidal maniac to a prince in name only in a span of a few weeks. What sort of grand farce have I become part of? What game is Celestia playing and why did Luna agree to it? Ugh, I almost wish I was back on the fucking moon. At least there I didn't have to deal with the goddamn minefield that is politics.

"Is education part of that schedule?" I ask, tucking my tie into my suit-jacket's pocket.

"Well, yes, it is," Cadence replies, bringing a genuine smile to my face.

"Good." I won't be a pawn in your game, Celestia. If I have to be on the board, you can bet that fat flank of yours that I'll do everything in my, admittedly limited, power to take back some form of control over my life. I didn't trade one hell just so you can trap me in another, you fucking manipulative bitch. "I have some work to do."

Author's Note

Well, there you have it folks. Took me a lot longer to publish than I expected, but hey, shit happens right? Anyway, hope you all enjoyed because I'm going to be working on the next chapter of my other story, which I have neglected for awhile now. Just so you know and hopefully it'll keep you from asking where the next chapter is. Knowing some of you, though, you'll probably ask anyway. Toodles~