Mark and Dillon Survive Equestria

“MARK!”

“MAAAARK!”

The pounding knocks at my door immediately woke me up from my peaceful slumber. Shouting above the knocks are my best friend Dillon who appears to be in some sort of distress, or so it would seem. Dillon is an obnoxious ass who seems to not understand the concept of logic and reasoning, making matters worse, he’s completely spontaneous and random. I get out of bed, regrettably, already dreading the day that was ahead of me; Dillon’s banging and yelling wasn’t helping my current mood.

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

“MAAAAARK COME OOOOOOOON! I HAVING SOMETHING YOU NEED TO SEE!”

“I’m coming!” I snap at my best friend from behind my door. At first I took my time to reach the door, not wanting to deal with Dillon’s shenanigans so early in the morning seemed like reasonable incentive; but if I wanted to be rid of him for the rest of the hours, I needed to put up with his antics at least once before he disappeared for the rest of the day. I placed my hand on the doorknob and twist, bracing myself for whatever was waiting for me on the other side of the door.

“Mark! Your never going to believe—!”

“Jesus Christ! Can you tone down the yelling, it’s too early in the morning for this shit. Now what did you want to show—”

“Look!” Dillon cut me off as I did him, in his hands on a metal saucer was a cheese pizza which was cooked golden to perfection. “I MADE A PIZZA!”

“And?”

“AND IT HAS CHEESE!!!”

I slam the door in my friend’s face and returned to my bed, swearing under my breath as I did, “Too early for his shit.” I crash down on my bed and let a sigh escape me as I hear the speedy descending steps of Dillon. ‘Thank God he’s gone’. I close my eyes and wait to fall back asleep when I remember something about myself; no matter what, once I wake up, I can never fall asleep for the remainder of the day. I don’t know why that is, I guess my body is just weird. Now pissed off and tired, I rise out of bed a second time and prepare for the day’s usual randomness.

After shaving and showering twice due to my PSS (post shower shit), I head downstairs and straight into my kitchen. Feeling particularly lazy this morning I decided against actually making breakfast. Just as I do, I spy the saucer that Dillon was holding earlier, the golden crispy pizza still gave off a sense of heat. I figured if he wasn’t gonna eat it then, what the hell? I grab a plate from my cupboard and a knife, I cut two slices of pizza and sit down at the small table that resides in my kitchen. I prepared to bite into my first slice when a knock came at my door; now pissed, tired, and hungry I stomp my way to the door and fling it open.

“What do you want Fluttershy?”

“Oh….um, I just figured you needed this,” the small pegasus pulls a bottle of ranch from her saddle bag and hands it to me. “Dillon said that you two were out and I thought I’d bring you some….I mean, if it’s okay with you.”

“Actually, this is just what I need.” I go to shut the door when I realize Fluttershy is still standing there. “Can I help you with something?”

Fluttershy stared at the ground and kicked it with a hoof, “I was just wondering…since I brought you what you needed, could I come in?”

“Hell no.”

“Why not?” Fluttershy whines as she begins to pout cutely with puffed cheeks.

“Because the last time I let you inside I couldn’t walk for a week.”

“But…but I told you it was an accident,” the pegasus pleaded.

“Which part? The drugging or raping? Because I can’t seem to recall either one.”

“But—but I didn’t cause that…..it was the Rohypnol!”

I slammed the door without a second thought, no way in hell was she coming back in my house after that little act. I give a glance at the bottle of ranch in my hand, ‘Huh, I wonder where she got this from anyway?’. The bottle I hold has no label, just a white creamy liquid with what looks like seasoning in it. Just then, a peculiar thought crossed my mind; ‘This….this is ranch, right?’. It has to be, but then I remember who gave it to me, only one way to find out. I pop off the top and stick a finger in the bottle, it certainly seems familiar, slightly chunky, rich, and creamy just like ranch; I try to catch it’s scent but I can’t seem to smell anything. I decide to taste the “ranch”, a choice that I soon regretted.

I spit out the liquid in mere seconds, I wish I didn’t swallow, sadly, that’s not the case. Feeling overcome by noxiousness, I run over to my kitchen and begin dry heaving until I puke; I run the water to wash away the food that I upchucked. I realize I still have the bottle clenched in my left hand and bolt for my front door. Slamming it open I spot Fluttershy still standing where I left her with a smile on her face.

“Are bottles filled with magical stallion semen your fetish Mark?”

“WHAT THE FUCK FLUTTERSH—!?” I didn’t even feel the second wave of gunk building up inside me, it just erupted from my throat. To avoid hitting Fluttershy I cocked my head to the right and puked in my bushes. “OH! OH MY GOD I CAN STILL FUCKIN TASTE I—”. The third time I threw up I collapsed to my knees due to fatigue, “Oh….oh my God…..it’s coming out my nose now. Ow my head hurts….what kind of enchantment did you put on this?”

“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy exclaimed as she placed a hoof over her mouth in shock. “Is there anything I can—”

“Go get Twilight! See if she has a spell that can—” another torrent of vomit escapes me, interrupting me again. “Just…just go get Twilight!” Fluttershy galloped away faster than I’ve ever seen her run before, thank goodness she’s not taking her time. The last thing I remember is feeling light headed before blacking out.