My Little Insert: Bronies are Equestrian (VERY Cancelled)

“Yo Flare?” Rainbow Dash said. “What the hay is wrong wi-“

“We’re all bucked.” I said blatantly. Everypony just turned and looked at me. I sighed and told them all about Saxton Hale. “Essentially, he’s the Buck Norris of our dimension.” I explained. He can take pretty much any hit he wants to. It’ll take more than just the princesses and all of the Royal Guard to make a dent in him.” Everypony was now scared shitless.

“I say we go out there and pound him into the ground!” Rainbow Dash announced. Okay, so almost everypony was scared shitless. Before she could make it out of the door, however, a certain group of ponies burst in through the door. It was Blue Breeze and his gang of friends. I guess I should describe those who haven’t been described yet.

First one I will describe is Ice. Ice is a stallion earth pony with a dark blue coat, slightly less saturated than the color of mine. He has a black mane and tail, and small white-ish blue-ish horns. He has the ability to do pretty much what he damn well pleases with ice. Hence the name.

The second one is Zephyr Verve, or Zephyr. Zephyr is a stallion pegasus pony with a dark sand coat and a royal blue mane and tail. He doesn’t have any superpowers, but he’s quick as all hell. Hence his special talent is going fast.

The other one is Vineton, or just Vine. She’s a plant-green pegasus mare. She has the ability to control plant life, and make vines shoot out of wherever she damn well wants to. (And before anyone asks, she HAS raped somepony with them. Not leaving anything to speculation.) Hence the name. ( OH overusing that phrase)

“Ahem.” Blue walked into the room with the rest of his friends. “Gentlecolts?” Out of seemingly nowhere, a small trumpet riff played, and then nothing else really happened. “Do any of you know what’s going on here?”

I sighed and went through explaining Saxton Hale…again. After the explanation, the only thing I could see on the faces of the new arrivals was that of “LEEROOOOY JENKIIINS!”.

“Look guys, I know you just want to save the town…again…” I looked at each one of them in dismay. “But the fact of the matter is Saxton Hale is strong enough to survive through 154 of Dark’s lightning grenades. If you even want a chance at taking him down, you’re gonna have to hope that you can get some support.”

Blue approached me. “Flare, we DO have backup.” Before I could even ask who that backup was, he just looked at me and said, “YOU’RE our backup.”

I stared at him in shock. “Wh-What?! Are you crazy? Even if I was able to shoot flames out of my hooves, I-“ I took it by the fact that everypony was looking at me with wide eyes that something had gone wrong. I looked down at my hooves. They were on fire. I looked back up at Blue. “How long did you know I could shoot flames out of my hooves?”

Blue Breeze shrugged. “I didn’t. That just makes this situation better. Let’s go!”

I turned around to face everypony else, only to see Amanda with a frying pan in between her teeth and Twilight with her horn glowing. I could only gather that Twilight was getting ready to heal all of us while Amanda was going to hit Saxton Hale with a frying pan. Status update? We are the nine members of Team Fortress 2. Allow me to explain.

Zephyr, with his blinding speed and pretty much having nothing else except useless attacks at his disposal, represents the Scout. (Not to mention he also has a Boston accent; how fitting.)

Dark Lightning, with his ability to aggravate everypony in sight, charge right into battle, and having the most damaging attack of all of us, represents Soldier. Not to mention that he’s borderline insane.

I would represent the Pyro, For obvious reasons, while Amanda represents the spirit of Demopan.

Drax, with his juggernaut type of stature and power, would clearly be Heavy Weapons Guy.

Vine represents the Engineer almost entirely because her attacks are more indirect, not to mention she has a lot of tools at her disposal.

Twilight, with the healing spells, represents the Medic. No argument there.

Blue Breeze I have chosen to be our resident Sniper, mostly because of his cool, collected attitude, and his ability to throw devastating attacks from a long distance with pinpoint accuracy.

And finally Ice represents the Spy because he… um… you get my point.

We rushed outside to be met by the lumbering mass of muscle we all know as-

“SAXTON HAAAAAALE!”

I guess He’ll go ahead and finish my thought for me.  However, in knowing that I was the only pony here with experience fighting Saxton Hale, I decided I should take charge.

“Blue, go get yourself set up somewhere that you can take long-distance shots at Saxton with!” Blue gave me a salute and set off to find a sniping perch.

“Ice, I want you to try and find his weak spot and start pelting it!” With a curt nod, he set off to get a good vantage point.

“Vine, find a place to set up and start whaling on him!” She hesitated for a moment before dashing off to set up shop.

“Drax, I hate to say it, but you’ll be able to take more hits than most of us will. I kinda need you to take Saxton on. Head on. Twi, make sure he doesn’t freakin’ die.” Both ponies were hesitant at first, but finally gave in and charged forwards.

“Zeph, I think you know what you gotta do.” He rolled his eyes before zipping off towards Saxton Hale to create a distraction.

“Amanda, I want you to stick with me. I’m not letting him put a single scratch on you when all you have is a mediocre melee slot weapon.” I began my charge towards the rampaging Saxton Hale.

“Wait! What the buck do I do?!” Dark called after me. I turned to him.

“You know damn well what to do.”

Fight music? YES.

The moment I charged in to throw my flaming balls of flame at Saxton, I could already hear Zephyr shouting random Scout taunts that didn’t even make sense. Had my hooves not been on fire, I would have facehoofed. I rolled behind Saxton Hale and began torching him on his back. As he turned around to punch me (which would kill me), there was a loud CRACK as Drax connected a very solid punch to the back of Saxton’s head. Blinded by the stupidity of himself, Saxton turned to chase and then punch Drax, which was quickly denied by a well-placed vine from, well, Vine. Saxton Hale fell flat on his face, leaving Blue a perfect opportunity to connect two direct hits right onto his skull, followed by a quick flurry of icicles from Ice. As he attempted to get up, he was quickly barraged by a fortuitous flood of frying pan smacks from Amanda. And just as Saxton thought the day couldn’t get any worse, Dark Lightning flies in, launching four electric grenades at Saxton Hale’s head, followed by a punch to the face briefly after he’d gotten up from his fall. Saxton Hale was incredibly angry at this point. He was blindly swinging his fists everywhere, forcing us to retreat to Blue’s sniping perch.

“What the buck do we do now, destroyer of Saxtons?” Vine asked sarcastically.

“I think I have a good plan here, but it’s going to be incredibly cliché.” I said. After I told them my plan, at which they groaned for its clichéness, we all lined up for the shot. Amanda, Zephyr, and Drax had all retreated to Sugarcube Corner, since their close-quarters-only skills would not be needed. I began forming a fireball in my hooves, letting it grow larger until it was about the size of the MMMM cake. At this point, Dark began pouring lightning into the flame, while Twilight began focusing her beam of healing on the ball. As Twilight’s horn began crackling with purple lightning, I gave the signal. Vines shot out of the ground, holding Saxton Hale rooted to the ground (no pun intended… okay pun maybe intended). Ice began forming a sharp, thick, rotating ring of ice around the fireball, the beam from Twilight keeping the ice from melting. On the final nod, Blue Breeze punched a Double Hurricane Hoof right into the middle of the ball as Twilight released a massive burst of magic, sending the fireicelightningball crackling with critical energy. Saxton Hale turned to look at what was flying at him. His mouth unhinged like a snake; swallowing the entire ball whole.

Everypony associated with the attack looked at me and said “Are you bucking kidd-“ I cut them off with a hoof in the air and simply stated, “Wait for it…” which was followed by a BANG and something which looked very similar to a Sonic Rainboom right where Saxton Hale had previously been standing. Nine ponies had just defeated Saxton Hale. I trotted up to where there was previously a Saxton Hale standing and looked at the ground. I only had one thing to say-

“Aww, it looks like they’re going t’ have to glue you back together.

IN HELL!”

I then trotted over to Sugarcube Corner where everypony was standing, slack-jawed; save for one pink earth pony.

“You know what this calls for?” She asked cheerfully.

“A PARTY!”