Elusive Inspiration

I woke to the sound of snoring across the room. Opening one eye, I saw that one of Sweetie's friends were the source of the awful sound. In the dim light of the bedroom I could make out Apple Bloom, her mouth open as she rolled onto her side for the third time that night. I wasn't tired at that point, so there was no point to going back to sleep. Even if I managed it, by the time I had gotten myself relaxed one of them would be making noise again. I rolled out of my bed, getting my long legs stretched for the day as a cold chill came over me. I normally kept the thermostat tuned to only switch on when it was tremendously hot, but here At Elusive's house he seemed to prefer it a bit colder. Not that I minded at all, I was just well adapted to the heat. My older sister tended to get upset at me if I ran up the bill at my own house. Price didn't seem to be an object to my caretaker though.

Thinking of him made me wonder what he was doing at this time of morning. He was so odd… and even living here for two days now I didn't understand him. He was so hard to get a read on, unlike all of the foals at school. I sometimes saw him react like I had just hit him, but then he would snap back with a smile on his face. Other times it was like he was under a spell, shuffling around from place to place like he wasn't even thinking. It was kind of concerning, but at the same time it seemed to help Elusive cope with himself somehow. He was always happiest whenever I was around, or Sweetie Belle asked him for something. He worried me in a lot of ways.

It wasn't like that the first time I had met him though. He was just another pony back then. Elusive the clothier, a stylist that had everything going for him. The longer I stuck around though, the more he began to look like he was distracted. At first I was wary, he struck me as the same type of pony as Diamond Tiara's father. I felt like he just wanted something from me. The second time, I caught on that he was a genuinely good pony. He wasn't doing it just because it was the right thing, or because he wanted my approval. He didn't want me to like him, or anything selfish like that. I felt like he picked me up out of the mud because he legitimately cared about me.

Everything from that point backed that up. His generosity was a bit worrying at first. To someone who had never met someone like him, like me, his kindness was uncanny. He let me eat at his table, sleep in his home, share a room with his sister, rifle through his things, and now he wanted to make me a dress. I had a so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I didn't want to act like I was taking his kindness for granted, or that I was suspicious of him. I was extremely grateful to him, but at the same time, I didn't understand why he was acting this way. It almost felt like it was his goal to make me feel welcome and nothing else. Until two days ago I felt so insignificant… a grain of sand on a beach. Then Elusive had come along and made me the center of his world, like Sweetie Belle was.

It made me wonder why. After all, he had Sweetie Belle. She was already so close to him. Why did he seek me out in particular? As I pondered that I heard Apple Bloom's snoring stop, and with a yawn the farmhand looked around, eventually looking right at me in the dark room.

“What time is't?” She mumbled, blinking the sleep from her eyes.

I looked to the clock, then back to her. “Ten 'til seven.”

Apple Bloom sighed, getting out of bed and yawning again. “Guess we ought to get ready then… do you got your school stuff?”

I nodded, walking over to the edge of the bed and opening my wings. With a few beats of them the other two stirred, looking at me like I had started a housefire. I pointed at the alarm clock, and both of them groaned. Scootaloo looked especially annoyed.

“Why do we have to go to school today…? It's just review for the test on Wednesday.” Sweetie Belle said.

“The test is on Wednesday…?” Scootaloo said, her mane sticking out in random directions as she sat up.

As the two bantered about the final tests for the year I reached under the bed and took out my saddlebag, sighing. I was grades ahead of them… I had classes at a different time than them, and did different homework. Of course it was all built on the same basics, but at the same time it was more difficult. We had to do algebra… I didn't know how some of the smarter students did the advanced stuff. One problem took me five minutes at least. I only had one more year after this one, though. I'd be suffering into trigonometry. At least I wasn't starting beginner's calculus next year like some of the advanced students. Cheerilee herself didn't like the subject, she even told me.

As I thought about that I realized that I hadn't seen Elusive. He normally checked in here in the morning… at least in the two mornings I had been here. I put on the bag and walked to the door, heading out onto the stairway landing. He had said his room was on the top floor, just yesterday. I walked upstairs, finding an intricate door. I knocked loudly, though I exercised some control to not damage the door. I once put my hoof through one when I was being rough. Waiting for a few seconds I heard a shuffling on the other side, so I knocked again. The shuffling stopped suddenly, and I put my eye up to the keyhole. The only thing I saw in the dim light was a mannequin in the center in the room. I shook my head, walking downstairs again.

There was only one place I would expect to find him other than his room. I found the door to the workroom slightly open, and that all but confirmed where he was. I walked in to find a room covered it samples of cloth, shreds of lace, silk strands and a drawing here or there. There was only one source of light in the room, as the curtains were drawn tight. One lamp, near the sewing machine table as I walked in. At his desk he slept in shadows, a testament to how long into the night he had worked. On the desk was a nearly complete dress, his horn an inch from it. I admired it… I looked like it was made for a phoenix, with the grays along the legs and the bursts of orange and red along the back and shoulders. He really had poured his heart into it. I smiled, resting a hoof on his back.

The moment I touched him his eyes opened. Seeing it was me he smiled, shutting them again. No words passed between us, but he knew that I loved what he'd created. He reached out and rested a hoof on my cheek, giving it a light caress before he withdrew it. I looked away, scuffing a hoof along the floor. He levitated the dress, holding it up to the light. I marveled at its beauty. I had never seen anything quite like it, and the way it reminded me of a warm autumn night by a campfire was uncanny. It was humble, with no frills or gemstones, yet it managed to be more beautiful than any jewel I had ever seen. He stood, yawning lightly as he opened the curtains.

The stallion went about picking up the litter around his workroom, sorting all of the things that needed to be recycled for future garments and that which needed thrown out with his magic. I watched him, wondering what had just passed between us. After a few moments, once most of the room was clean, he walked over to me. He tilted his head to the side when he saw my expression.

“Is something the matter?” He asked.

I didn't really know what he meant. I was fine, but the way he'd made me feel for a moment was… nothing short of worshipped. I had felt like his sun and moon, the center of his world in every way. It was something I hadn't felt before. It almost scared me, in hindsight. It was like a warm ember in my chest, warming me from my hooves to my wingtips. I felt wanted, treasured by him. Just thinking back made it return, my wings quivering at my sides as my chest tightened. The sense of belonging was intoxicating. I did my best to reply, but it didn't come out quite right.

“I, uh… just really liked the dress is all.”

I silently cursed myself for saying that. It was such a boring answer, and it didn't express how I actually felt at all. What I had wanted to say was how he was amazing, and how he made me feel. Almost like I held some sort of great importance, if only to him. He smiled down at me, nodding. A sense of regret extinguished the warmth inside of me, leaving me feeling empty. I wanted to say something, but he spoke before I could think of how to follow up what I'd said.

“Well, if you need anything at all, I'm always here. You should be getting off to school now, if I'm not mistaken.” He commented, looking to the clock.

I nodded sheepishly, walking to the door. I felt like a complete foal, fawning over the first pony to show her some attention and stuttering like he was my first crush. Not that it mattered at all, really. He seemed blind to what he was doing to me. At least he seemed to be. How could he know how I felt about being treated like this? He was aware he was showering me with attention, but how I was reacting was… not how I thought I would take something like this. I had thought, if this happened, that I could just seperate myself from him. Now that I knew him to some degree though, I was too aware of the fact that I brought him happiness. Not the fake smiles or the painful, forced grin he would put on when I even mentioned his well being.

I left thinking about that, shutting the front door behind me. Every time I asked him how he was he would freeze. Then, one of two things would happen. He would shift into a stiff smile immediately, or he would look as if he had seen a ghost for a second before trying to act like he was okay. It made me think that he was the exact opposite of fine. He didn't seem alright at all, when me or Sweetie Belle weren't around. He just paced around, worked or slept. He didn't do anything on his own time, he had nothing else he did to keep his mind occupied. I had a lot I wanted to ask him… but it would have to wait until after school was done, unfortunately…

The day dragged by at an agonizingly slow pace. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stayed just out of earshout of me all day during the times we were in the same room. Nothing eventful happened, and I threw myself at my homework early on in the day, hoping it would burn some time. I was still left with a lot of my time free, with nothing but Cheerilee's voice as ambient noise. After a long while, I set my head down on the desk. This was all review… all for the final test on wednesday. I hated the muggy schoolhouse and the sweltering sun. I'd rather be at Elusive's home, enjoying the cool air and comfortable bed. What was better than that, after all?

A hoof nudged me after a while, being none other than Cheerilee herself as I looked up. “Thunderclap, is something the matter? You don't normally doze off like that...” She asked, seeming a bit concerned.

I shrugged, not knowing what else to do. “Sorry Ms. Cheerilee… it's just really warm in here, and my homework is done already, so...”

She nodded, giving an understanding smile. “I see… well, if you have any questions I'm helping everyone with review for this week's final test. Otherwise I don't mind you putting your head down.”

I heard a snide comment across the room as Cheerilee walked the other way. I sighed, letting my head meet the desk again. It would still be a long day.

I made an awkward landing on the front doorstep of Elusive's shop later that day, stumbling before finding my hooves again. I looked around, seeing that Sweetie and her friends were far from getting there. Of course, none of them quite had the ability to fly, and Sweetie couldn't teleport like those unicorn sorcerers. I opened the door to the shop and walked in, shutting it behind me with a content sigh. The cold air from inside washed over me, clearing the heat from my wings and fur. I almost wanted to lay down there and enjoy the ice cold floor, but I had to go see Elusive. I had too much on my mind to not go to him for answers.

Seeing that he wasn't in his workroom, I walked upstairs to Sweetie Belle's room and set my things in there. Once I was unburdened, I headed up another floor to find the stallion's door shut. I knocked, tapping my hooves on the carpeted floor as I heard hoofsteps from the other side. A moment later he answered, looking down at me. I smiled, my wings giving an involuntary flutter as I saw him.

“Sorry to bother you right after I got back, but, um… I wanted to talk to you about some things.” I said, as usual jumping in before I had any kind of plan.

I had no idea what I would even say, but he nodded and let me in. It was cool in there despite it being the top floor, something I was grateful for. He had my dress completed, folded perfectly in a case over by his desk. I admired the simplicity of his quarters. There were two bookshelves, a mannequin, a desk over to the far right as I walked in, and a large bed fit for easily three ponies, with curtains around it that were open at that moment. Royal purple was the main color in there, with a faintly blue-tinted white making up everything else. He stood for a moment as I admired the room, before I noticed him looking at me, most likely waiting for me to speak. I didn't know how to word any of what I wanted to ask him, so I looked at my hooves, cleared my throat, and did my best.

“I just, wanted to ask you… about all this. You, Sweetie, the dress… I didn't want to come off as ungrateful, but… the longer I'm here the more confusing it is.”

Elusive nodded, waving a hoof. “Of course, speak your mind. I'd never hold it against you.”

I took a deep breath, preparing myself. “Well… first I wanted to ask you what was bothering you. I know you don't want to say anything. Trust me, I was like that until we met. Now it's my turn. I want to help you, like you helped me.”

He looked like I had hit him, his ears folding back. He wanted to say that he was fine. I could see it in his face. He wanted to play the façade of being offended that I'd even suggest that. I had just called the same strategy to light though, so he couldn't run with that. If he tried he might be able to convince me that he was just absentminded. If he wanted to not be saved at all he would still act as if everything was alright. He didn't, though. A tiny sliver of him didn't want to hide the truth anymore, a part of him more resolute than any of the excuses that he could conjure. After a few seconds his face transformed. At first he had seemed almost upset, but after some thought he looked at his hooves.

“I lost it, just a while ago. That spark that brings joy to life. Motivation to get up every day. To smile at the sun when it comes up. What I lived for had become a chore, and I couldn't see how to keep going with it. Making my dresses and suits, I got fed up with the same designs, the droning demands for the exact same things, every season. I didn't feel like an artist, anymore. That's my Mark, my reason for life. My passion is to court the hearts and eyes of ponies with my creations, so to see it all go stale… it was nothing short of depressing. I felt like I was meaningless.”

“So why did you reach out to me, though? You had Sweetie Bell. Why would you come to some total stranger?” I pried, trying to move him off of the subject so he wouldn't start to wallow in his misery.

He stopped, taking a breath and moving to speak. No words escaped his mouth though. Was it incriminating? I had my suspicions… but no sooner did that cross my mind did he shake his head.

“I reached out to you because you were like me. I told you this before. I know what it's like to be alone, but I know what it's like to live without a purpose or any love for yourself even better. I truly loathe what I've become. I reached out to you in hopes that you could give me a purpose. I said to myself 'maybe if I could make you happy, I might be able to find some self-worth'. I wanted you to be my reason to feel good about myself. Sweetie Belle couldn't do that. She's happy. She lives a normal life with her friends. She doesn't need me for anything. I wanted to be who crossed your mind when you thought of Generosity...”

I stood stock still, floored by that response. He acted like I was a shining example of something valuable, that he would want to protect. I had been right about him being fully aware of what he had been doing. He knew that he was treating me like the center of his world, because I was. He had made me the whole reason he still left his house, the only motivation he had to make clothing. He had been looking for a reason in his head to keep going, so when he met me… he saw that we were the same. I blinked, trying to think of what to say.

“Isn't that a bit… unhealthy? To rely on someone else so much?” I asked, a bit nervous with him placing so much importance on me.

He shrugged, scuffing a hoof. He had a knowing smile on his face. I knew from that expression that he was fully aware of how unhealthy it was to make me so crucial to his happiness. Elusive was all too knowingly falling into a trap of his own making, in putting so much stock into me. All of his eggs in one basket, because I was the only pony he could truly connect to. I was equally flattered and worried about him. I would never dream of crushing his heart, though I knew more than a few ponies would at the drop of a hat. I wanted him to be happy and he mirrored that same feeling. I was the reason he had kept making dresses.

Could I make him that important to me though? I wanted to, with all of my heart. He had done nothing to deserve slipping into the state he was in now. He was an emotionally dependent wreck of a stallion. I wanted to fix that… but would reciprocating his feelings of trust and good-will help him or just make it worse? I shook the thought out of my head. What a silly thing to cloud my thoughts with. I didn't intend on ever going back to my family, not now that he had shown me how it was to live with someone who actually cared. If I left on good terms with him in a year or two… he would feel fulfilled, like he'd done something again. All I had to do was accept his generosity, and he would be satisfied. I could fix him just by enjoying his company and hospitality.

“Okay… did my dress help?” I asked, hoping to turn the conversation again.

He motioned to the dress case, beaming. “You helped more than you could imagine. It's the best work I've done in years, by far. Nopony could ever tell me otherwise. I even feel like I could go back to taking normal orders now.”

I nodded, my thoughts turning to my last question. “I'm really glad I could help. Now, uh… I had another thing I wanted to say...”

He motioned for me to go on, clearly happy to hear me out. What I wanted to ask was a bit… odd to say after what he had just confessed. I wanted to bring up what I had felt earlier, the moment we'd shared in his workroom. It felt strange to bring it up now, since he had just divulged every secret I had asked him for. I wasn't a pony that knew when to leave a conversation on a light note, though… so I took a deep breath and focused through.

“Earlier in your workroom, when I woke you up… it sort of felt, the way you reacted, like a kind of gesture. That I felt a bit odd about. I didn't know if you meant it that way at all, but… if you didn't then I can just sort of… go...”

He looked a bit confused for a moment, before smiling. His face shifted to an unreadable mask, though the way he was looking at me was different from normal. It almost made me blush, the way his eyes flicked from my hooves up to my wings, then back to my face.

“Well, looking at you all night while I made your dress did make me admire the beauty of your figure a lot more than any of the foals at school do. If that makes you feel at all uncomfortable then I'm quite sorry. I need to know what makes a pony attractive so that the dress compliments them.”

I felt like I'd just had my hooves turned to cement. The way he'd said that so matter-of-factly was enough to earn a blush, which I hid by coughing into my wing. I had the distinct feeling that he wasn't fooled though. I had thought of him as a humble pony, but he was honest more often than not. I was glad he hadn't lied, but it wouldn't have hurt to sugar coat the truth a bit. He did find me attractive, not just because we solved each other's problems so well. I knew that this physical admiration was secondary to our personalities though, because he had no interest in me like that before. I believed that he had, as he'd said, been smitten in the process of making my dress.

I always had been more than a bit in awe of him as well. He was tall, and had the posture and grace that complimented his personality. He was delicate, and had a complex past. At the same time his own sense of happiness was dictated by how others let him treat them. If left to his own devices then he would make somepony the center of his world, like he had done with me. I didn't mind that at all… he deserved a stable pony to call his true friend. I didn't know if I wanted him as anything other than a caretaker though. I didn't know how he acted, when he saw a pony as a partner.

“Is something the matter?” He asked stepping towards me and tilting his head.

He was aware of what he was doing, closing distance towards me in order to fluster me more. I smiled and decided that it would be infinitely better if I just called it a day. Elusive had not only turned my perception of him on its head, but baited me into revealing my own attractions to him. It had been clever and not terribly obvious, but if I had been looking for the answer then it was there to find. I had all the room in the world to tell him I didn't want to be looked at like that, but he had masterfully gotten me to recognize his attraction, and had proven that I had a bit of an admiration of him as well. With a smile I waved a hoof, dismissing my own embarrassment.

“No, I just remembered I still have homework to be doing. I should get to that, y'know?” I said, turning to the door.

He nodded, walking over to the door before opening it. I walked over, avoiding his gaze as he followed me with his eyes. He seemed to be looking for some kind of sign from me. Maybe that I actually returned his attraction. It wasn't until I was nearly out the door did he say to me.

“You're welcome up here any time, alright?” Elusive said, waving a hoof goodbye.

I bit my tongue, then let myself say. “Okay, I'll keep that in mind Elusive.”

He smiled happily as he shut the door, and I bit the inside of my cheek hard enough to hurt. That had been a dead giveaway and I had known it before I had opened my mouth. I was a half a second from not saying anything, but I had wanted to reassure him. I didn't want to come off as if he had alienated me, but now I had betrayed my actual feelings. I had been honest with myself until then, but now I wasn't sure that would end things the way I wanted. I went downstairs thinking of what to do, heading into Sweetie Belle's room. She saw me and waved as I went to my bed. I waved back before crawling under my covers and pushing my head into my pillow. Thankfully Sweetie knew better than to pry as I shut my eyes, hoping my head would be clearer after a nap.