Entry 3 (Cutting)

I’m scared. It’s that kind of scared where you can’t move or open your eyes. Your whole body shakes and you’re pouring cold sweat. I’m too scared to even be bawling.

I can’t believe what I just tried to do. I have no idea why I did it. It was like something just started controlling me. It started last night when I couldn’t sleep. It was very late, and also really hot, so I decided to take a walk.

Rainbow Dash installed an escape hatch and a rope ladder in my room so I could get in and out of the floating house. When I stood up, though, I found myself walking downstairs instead of to the hatch.

I reached the kitchen and looked around at my surroundings. I was so confused; what was I doing here? Then my eyes fell on their target: the knife holder. I walked over to it and grabbed a sharp, thin one. I held it in my mouth and lifted my hoof up.

Part of me wanted to scream for help or run away, but all I could do was watch. It was like I was watching a movie. Like I was looking through the eyes of another pony.

I tried to convince myself that it wouldn’t hurt. Once I was being dumb and accidentally got a fork stuck deep in my hoof. It didn’t really hurt so badly. And just last week I spilled boiling water on my arms, and it wasn’t very hot.

My head started bending down as my hoof rose up. The orange hoof in front of my eyes started to shake. The blade grazed my fur, not even hard enough to penetrate it, and then I was me again. I dropped the knife out of my mouth and jumped away from it as it landed on the cloud floor.

My heart raced and I held my breath. I didn’t want to move, but I also wanted to run to the comfort of my bed. The only thing stopping me were the walls of darkness pushing in from all sides, suffocating me. In that moment I left completely alone. It was my decision what happened next.

There was a rustling sound from somewhere in the house, and I bit back a scream as I ran to my room and dove under the sheets. I felt freezing cold and burning hot at the same time. As I stared into the fuzzy green of my blanket, one thought raced through my mind:

What if I hadn’t stopped myself?