It Seems I Am Not The Only Spy Around Here

“Prepare to mann up!”

The spy rolled his eyes. Fighting the machines was pointless. The rest of his team was making futile attempts to destroy these machines, but yet they utterly failed. The medic seemed to have no brains when it came to healing his team mates; only taunting with his Kritzkrieg mindlessly over and over again. The heavy just sat next to the upgrade station fawning over all of the improvements he could make to Sasha. The soldier sat in a corner banging his helmet with a shovel, and the demoman was too drunk to even walk. The engineer was the only one with any actual experience as far as the spy was concerned.

Spy perched the fancy fedora on his head and pulled out his trademark enforcer. The fedora just made him look good while he was killing the machines with his enforcer. He felt like a detective again when he was back in France.

The spy heard the engineer walk up to him. He turned around to face the engineer. The engineer’s name was Dell Conagher . He was a problem solving man that was aged somewhere in his thirties. He donned a brown stetson that he used to wear back in Texas. Spy noted the short circuit that the engineer held.

“Ahm assumin’ ya wanna get out o’ here?” Dell asked.

The spy straightened his tie. “But of course.” Spy responded professionally. He preferred to remain professional and polite while doing his job as a mercenary. It seemed right.

“Ah think that ah may have the solution to our problem pardner.” He said in a hushed tone. The engineer started building a teleporter next to the parked RV that spy was leaning against. The teleporte, per the usual, started spinning and glowing red.

“What will this do? We cannot teleport back to the Mann Co. Headquarters! Are you mad?!” The spies eyes widened when he heard the administrator's voice come back on the intercom.

“Here they come!”

The next thing spy heard was the engineer’s sentry firing rockets at the giant soldier that had started to slowly plod through. The sentry lived a short life as it was quickly battered down to scrap metal by extraordinarily fast scouts. The heavy finally decided to come out and fight with the medic close behind him. The scouts were being torn apart by the heavy’s hail of bullets. The heavy quickly ran out of ammo as he was stupidly misusing the Huo Long Heater.

“What now?!” Spy shouted over the clanking of the robot’s feet against concrete. He shot a scout that was about to clobber him.

The engineer replied by firing his short circuit at the teleporter. The teleporter shot a bolt of green energy in the air and started glowing green itself. Dell was indifferent to this, but the spy gaped when he saw this. He never knew that the engineer could build something that could do that. It reminded him of the soldier’s righteous bison when it fired off energy. Could the engineer actually replicate Doctor Grordbort’s technology? He found himself dreaming about owning a laser revolver. Spy shook his head, snapping himself out of his thoughts, and shakily lit a cigarette in his mouth.

“Yah know that’s bad for you?” The engineer stared at the spy.

“The Australians can cure lung cancer with their fancy miracle pills made from Saxton Hale’s moustache hair.” Spy blew a ring of smoke onto the engineer’s face. “Now then, what shall we do?”

The engineer coughed and waved the smoke away. “Well pardner.” He coughed again. “I reckon that you step onto this here ‘porter pad.” The engineer tapped the teleporter with his wrench. “And you’ll be whisked away to ah different place.” The engineer’s fingers wiggled in the air, Dell himself smiling widely. His grin fell flat when he noticed the spy raise his eyebrows. “Nowhere dangerous ah assure you that mister spah. I figure that you will be transported to a different world entirely. Hopefully one that ain’t got none of them robo-mercenaries in it!"

The spy looked over his shoulder and shot a rocket that was heading for them in the nick of time. “Oh merde…” The spy said while pinching the bridge of his nose. “You expect me to believe that we can be whisked away to some new world!” Spy laughed and took a long puff on his cigarette. “C’est fou!” He shouted while exhaling sharply.

“Ah don’t know what that means mister spah, but ahm tellin’ the truth here.” The engineer stepped onto the pad. “If ya’ll don’t want to come then that’s up to you.” The teleporter made a noise not unlike the pomson when it was being fired, then the engineer was gone. Another green bolt of energy flew up into the air as the teleporter's greenish glow seemed to increase in a menacing fashion.

The spy watched the medic and heavy combo get blasted into bits by rockets. The demoman had fallen asleep, snoring just a little too loud, and the soldier was riding on the back of a giant robot heavy. “Merde!” His eyes widened at the sight of the insanity before him.“Wait for me!” He shouted before stepping onto the teleporter pad. He felt himself feel light all over before disappearing in a green flash.

The spy was being whisked forward through a green tunnel. He felt himself being pushed and pulled at the same time. He looked around the green tunnel he was currently in. It was slightly transparent, but what he saw on the outside shocked him. He saw himself fly by the moon at an incredible speed. He felt himself being tugged harder as he passed Jupiter. The spy was gaping in shock while travelling through space. Never before had he thought a man would travel into space. It was fairly early in the year 1971. There were teleporters, automated sentry guns, and miniature ammunition factories, but space travel? That was only a dream.
An object started to appear at the end of the tunnel. It grew bigger until spy could identify it as a planet. Spy started screaming when he realized that he was about to crash land on an unknown planet. The planet got closer. Spy saw that the planet had white fluffy clouds and an ocean. He determined that this planet had life. His assumption was deemed correct when he saw green covering the planet.

Suddenly it felt like he had been hit by a truck. Yet he was still breathing. He opened his eyes to find himself greeted by a forest. He was standing on the red teleporter pad. He turned around and was greeted by rolling hills and a cottage not too far away. He stepped off the pad and straightened his tie. “Well that could have felt better.”

“Ah reckon you to be right pardner…” Engineer groaned as he sipped a beer. Engineer was lying with his back against a tree. His toolbox was sitting on his lap and a dispenser was to his right. The engineer pulled out a large gray remote with a big red button it. The engineer pushed the button and the teleporter promptly exploded. “Just to be sure them fools ain’t following’ us.” The engineer downed the rest of his beer. “Ah just found out mah dispenser here can make good ol’ fashioned Texan beer…” The engineer laughed.

The spy pulled out another cigarette and lit it in his mouth. “You know alcohol is bad for you.” Spy raised an eyebrow to the engineer.

“Ah’ll stop drinking when you stop smoking.” The engineer pointed a robotic finger at the spy.

“Tell that to the Scottish brute.” The spy and engineer broke out into a duet of laughter.

“Oh merde…” Spy wiped a tear from his eye. He helped the engineer to his feet. The engineer stopped laughing and stared behind the spy for a moment before pointing. Spy turned around to see what he was pointing at. The spy raised his eyebrows in surprise when he saw a small cartoony rabbit there. “Strange… I thought rabbits were hunted to extinction for good luck charms…”

“Remember pardner. Different planet and all.” The engineer nudged spy with an elbow and walked forward. “Hey there mister rabbit, would you be so kind as tah point us into the direction of the nearest town?” The engineer stared hopefully at the gawking rabbit.

#########################################################################

“Hey there mister rabbit, would you be so kind as tah point us into the direction of the nearest town?”

Angel stared at the weird hairless monkey in shock. His jaw was almost hitting the ground from the sheer size difference. Even when the monkey was kneeling it was ginormous to the small rabbit. Angel was put into a further state of shock when he realized that the monkey could speak Equestrian. Angel stared at the monkey’s stetson and was instantly reminded of Fluttershy’s friend Applejack. Eager to get away from the scary red suit wearing monkey, he pointed in the direction of ponyville and sped off back towards Fluttershy’s cottage.

He found Fluttershy feeding a group of swallows in the garden outside of the cottage and tugged on her leg. Fluttershy looked down at angel in surprise, but the surprised look was replaced with a happy look when she saw him. “What is it Angel?” She asked in an almost whisper. Angel pointed in the direction of the clothed monkeys. “Is somepony hurt?” Angel shook his head and tugged on her leg harder, once again pointing in the direction of the monkeys. “Is there something you want to show me?” She asked in an excited whisper. Angel nodded his head. “I have to finish feeding these swallows Angel. You know how noisy they get when they aren’t fed…” A swallow chirped in annoyance at that comment. “No offense mister swallow…” Fluttershy nuzzled the bird.

By the time Fluttershy had finished feeding the birds it may have been too late. “Alright Angel. Lead the way.” Angel led Fluttershy to the area where he found the two apes, but it was too late. There was only a discarded bottle that read Budweiser, and a foul smelling paper stick. “There’s nothing here Angel. You probably just saw something…”

Angel started throwing a fit by stamping the ground with his foot and pointing in the direction of Ponyville. “Calm down Angel bunny!” Fluttershy yell-whispered. This was not a good day for Angel.

#########################################################################

“Was that rabbit intelligent?” The spy asked while staring in the direction of the rabbit. This was the first time he had ever seen a rabbit with feet, and an intelligent one at that!

“Seems so.” The engineer shrugged. “The rabbit pointed in that direction.” The engineer pointed in the direction of Ponyville. “There is a cottage over there where the rabbit ran off to… So we should be fairly close to a town.” The engineer packed his dispenser and the spy flicked his cigarette on the ground. “Let’s get movin’ pardner.” The engineer stated enthusiastically.

“Please Mister Conagher… You can just call me spy…” He straightened his tie.

The duo found a path rather quickly, and an arrow sign that was marked Ponyville came soon after that.

“Now what strange folk would name a town Ponyville?” The engineer removed his stetson and scratched his head.

“Horse worshippers…” Spy said with disgust. He had encountered a group of horse worshippers hiding in the sewers of teufort shortly before the BLU teams’ arrival three years prior. They spray painted cartoon horses all over the walls and said things such as “Pony is love. Pony is life.” Spy had backstabbed them all while they were sleeping and deposited the bodies somewhere in Redmond Mann’s manor.

The engineer merely shrugged in confusion and continued walking. The spy tipped his fedora and followed shortly after with his hands behind his back. They neared the top of a hill, and in the distance was what appeared to be a beautiful European village. Just like back home in France. There were colorful ponies milling about and they appeared to be talking to one another

“Is that a unicorn?” The spy pointed to a violet unicorn.

“Is that a pegasus?” The engineer pointed to a cyan pegasus that was following the annoyed looking unicorn. The pegasus looked to be going on about something.

“Well then.” There were no body parts anywhere. No pollution in the air. This seemed like a normal little town. “We will settle this like gentlemen.” The spy walked forward and into the town. The engineer followed close behind nervously. Ponies gawked at them as they passed by. There was a shriek and spy thought he heard someone say “The horror! The horror!” before the whole town devolve into a chaotic mess of ponies running back to their homes and peeking out of the windows. The only two ponies left were the violet and cyan ones.

“I reckon you screwed that one up a ton.” The engineer muttered into the spy’s ear. “Good night Irene…” The engineer whispered, looking around at the disastrous situation they were in.

“Hello, you may call me Spy.” He motioned to himself. “This here is my acquaintance Mister Conagher.” Spy motioned to the engineer. The violet unicorn looked ready to respond, but she was interrupted by a pink pony popping up out of nowhere in front of the spy’s face.

“OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHAREYOUANALIENIVENEVERGIVENANALIENAPARTYBEFOREIFORGOTTOASKDOYOUEVENLIKEPARTIESEVERYPONYLOVESPARTIES!” The pink pony then gasped and bolted off.

The spy and the engineer were befuddled at this point. Of course they could talk. If they could build houses then surely they could talk. The violet pony finally spoke up. “Er… Hello Mister Spy and Mister Conagher… I am Twilight Sparkle, the town’s librarian.” Spy raised one eyebrow. “I’ve read about your kind in books, and well… I never thought that two of your kind would ever come here…” Spy raised his other eyebrow in response. “Yes well… Your race never progressed… In fact… They are supposed to be extinct. Every other race outmatched them in every way other than intelligence. I never thought two could still exist.”

Spy looked back at the engineer. Then looked back to Twilight. “It seems that my friend and I are the only two of our kind here.” The spy laughed. “This species of humans here probably destroyed themselves or were destroyed. No matter. So as long as you stay you stay out of our way…” He bent down to whisper something into the unicorn’s ear. “We promise not to kill you.” He stood back and smirked at Twilight’s reaction. Her jaw was dropped in shock. The cyan pegasus next to her seemed to be flustered.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, and nopony talks to my friends that way!” She stepped forward expecting the two humans to back off. The spy and engineer laughed at Rainbow. She backed up a step in shock. “What’s so funny?”

“Pardner… Everything about you is funny… Your names are funny fer one.” The engineer laughed harder.

“And your hair!” The spy pointed a finger at Rainbow Dash’s mane before balling over in a wheeze, his hands on his knees.

“Are you related to Applejack in any way?” Twilight asked the engineer.

“Applewhatnow?” Engineer repeated, still chuckling.

The spy simply coughed and laughed in the background.

Twilight was starting to get irritated with the two humans. “Applejack, your accent and stetson are very reminiscent of her.”

“Sorry pardner. Ain’t heard o’ no-body named Applejack.”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPY CATCHERS YAY!” Spy and the engineer turned around to see three fillies running at them wearing capes.

“Oh merde…” The spy sighed.

The spy instinctively cloaked himself as he always did when danger was about, but this time it was used to get away from annoying children that spy had grown to hate. The engineer did not seem the least bit fazed, but the five ponies were dumbfounded at his sudden disappearance. Spy decided to have a little fun with the three children and snuck around behind them. He uncloaked his device to the horror of Rainbow Dash and Twilight, and tapped on the orange and purple pony. He cleared his throat. “Did you forget about me?” He put a twisted smile on his face and straightened his tie.

The three fillies jumped into the air and screamed bloody murder. The orange and purple one glanced over to the cyan pony and seemed to regain her composure quicker than the other two fillies. “W-We’re not scared of you!” The purple one sputtered out. Spy noted the lack of confidence in her voice.

“Well then do not go about trying to catch others young… Things…” The spy cleared his throat once more. “Well, the moment has passed.” The spy stole a glance over to Twilight, who seemed about ready to explode from what the spy did. “If you have any questions you may ask away.”

He thought he heard the cyan say something along the lines of “Egghead mode activated.”

Twilight took a big gasp of air then let it all out. “I didn’t detect a magical signature when you went invisible! What was that? Was it some kind of undetectable magic? Why do you even have that? Why are you wearing a suit? Why are you both colored red? Are those hands?” Rainbow dash appeared to have enough of Twilight’s question asking, because there was now a hoof in her mouth.

“Pardner, I reckon you not tell ‘em about where we’re from, and why we’re here.” The engineer mumbled to the spy. “Or why we have hands.” The engineer chuckled. The spy looked back to Twilight who was now pointing at the gun.

“What is that?” She asked cautiously.

The spy pulled the gun out of his holster. “This my dear… This is my gun.” The spy affectionately rubbed the top of the barrel. “It is called the enforcer. It fires .44 caliber rounds, and has six shots.” He spun the barrel and looked at Twilight. “I’d advise you not to be on the receiving end.”

“Well… What does it do?” Twilight asked. Spy knew by her body language that she was afraid of the answer to come, but spy would not relent. “The purpose of this weapon…” Spy let a dramatic pause take hold for added suspense. “The purpose of this weapon is to kill.” Spy stated bluntly.
After spy said the word ‘kill’, there was a stunned silence that filled the air. All five ponies backed away from the two humans by a few steps. While the spy and engineer looked about ready to burst into laughter again. “We would never kill anyone that doesn’t harm us first!” Spy burst into a cacophony of laughter with the engineer doing the same.

“Did you steal the soldier’s cow mangler 3000 to make that special teleporter?” The spy asked suddenly, but only to amuse himself.

“I reckon I did steal his cow mangler 3000 spah. I reckon I did.” The engineer smiled and scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“You said you modified it to spawn a clone of Saxton Hale himself, correct?” The spy said in a giddy voice.

“Ah reckon I did mister spah!” The engineer shouted gleefully.

“Slap my hand!” The spy shouted as he stood at attention and raised his right hand. The engineer gave the spy a high five and danced briefly. “Would you care to demonstrate it?” The spy asked hopefully.

The engineer pulled a giant, metal, laser cannon thingy seemingly out of nowhere, and proceeded to fire it some distance away. The five ponies jumped back in shock when they saw the blast of red energy fly out of the tip of the cannon thingy.

All seven of them started to hear a faint noise that started escalating.

“SSSSSAAAAAXXXXXTTTTTOOOOONNNNN HHHHHAAAAALLLLLLLEEEEE!”

There was a loud crashing sound and a brief explosion before they heard the infamous yell. “BRAVE JUMP!” Out of the dust and wreckage came the manliest man to ever walk the face of the Earth, and now… Equestria. It seemed like he jumped one hundred feet into the air. He landed in front of the spy and engineer. The man had a forest of chest hair and wore a hat the signified he was better than any man who didn’t wear a hat. He was only wearing a pair of khaki shorts and a pair of shorter boots. His moustache was the best moustache ever, as any girl that saw it would immediately be attracted to him.

“MY TWO BEST CUSTOMERS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN SISSY PONY LAND?” He didn’t wait for the two to respond, and looked over to the five ponies. “ARE YOU A HIPPIE?” He pointed at Rainbow Dash.

“N-No?” She replied confused.

“WELL YOUR HAIR MAKES YOU A HIPPIE!” “I BEAT UP HIPPIES!” Saxton did the loudest and manliest battle cry there is. The author of this story almost died in shock at how loud the battle cry was. He then charged at Rainbow Dash with such speed that couldn’t be matched by an F-10^7 jet. Then! When all hope seemed lost for Rainbow Dash. Saxton Hale suddenly imploded from sheer manliness! All that was left was his moustache.

“Well. The moment has passed.” Spy stated.

“Eeyup.” Engineer picked up the moustache and put it on his upper lip. The moustache stuck to his face, because the moustache deemed that he was manly enough.

Twilight piped up. “Well that was… Manly?” All seven burst into laughter and lived happily ever after.

“ENGINEER!” The spy shouted as he tried to wake the engineer from his daze.

“Huh wha pardner?” Engineer shook his head and turned his attention back to the ponies.

“Must’ve spaced outta there for a second…” He wished that he had Saxton Hale’s mustache. As it was the manliest mustache that has ever been moustached.

“We were just discussing living arrangements.” The spy said as he pulled out another cigarette. He lit it in his lips and took a long puff. “We have a long day ahead of us.” He said while blowing out a ring of smoke.

“Tobacco is illegal in Equestria mister spy.” Twilight used her magic to pull the cigarette out of the spy’s mouth and destroy it. Twilight flashed a beaming smile at the now twitching spy. “It is unhealthy for you and it causes air pollution!” She almost seemed proud of what she said, and glared directly into spy’s gaze.

“Do I look like I am a follower of the law miss magic?” The spy pulled out another cigarette from his disguise kit at started smoking it. Looking back into the massive eyes of Twilight. “Smoking calms the nerves…” The spy became visibly relaxed as he took a long inhale. He then puffed out a heart of smoke muttering, “Ma jolie fleur…”

The engineer nudged spy with his elbow. “Lovebird here will never stop smokin’” Engineer laughed. ”He’ll always find a way.” The spy raised his eyebrow at the engineer.

“As this lovebird has found his way with your mother.” The spy muttered under his breath.

“Enough!” Rainbow Dash shouted furiously. “Will you eggheads get back on topic so I can leave!”

“Alright then…” “Now... My friend here,” He nudged the engineer in the ribs. “Is capable of building anything that you want him to so as long as he has metal.” Spy took another long puff on his cigarette. “So, we should be able to build a house of sorts.” The spy turned to the engineer. “Is that correct?” The spy asked hopefully.

“I reckon that is correct mister spah.” The engineer confirmed. “I can perhaps build a base of operations that will suit our needs.” The engineer looked thoughtful for a moment. “In fact... Ah reckon that we ca-“

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS BASE BUILDERS YAY!” Shouted the three fillies, they were wearing hardhats and had blueprints, nails, and hammers in front of them. The filly with the bow seemed to get wooden planks from nowhere. “We can help you build your house!” “Yeah, maybe we can get our cutie marks in headquarters building!” “Cause’ we’re the CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!” Shouted all three simultaneously.

“Nope.” Said engineer bluntly, “Ah ain’t havin’ no children around any o’ my constructions.”

“I hate children.” Spy spat. “They were the bane of my young life.” Spy looked back to the times when he was bullied and made fun of for always wearing a suit to class. He was always robbed of his money, and put down. That ended when he disguised as one of them and backstabbed all of his enemies. That was in high school in the 1950’s, and that is the main reason why Redmond Mann seeked him out as well as the other members of the RED team. “I solved that problem like I solve every other problem…” Spy smirked.

“How could you hate foals!” Twilight yelled at the two humans. “Foals are wonderful bundles of joy!” Her face was pink from anger, “In fact… How could you hate anything?!”

“Simple my dear.” The spy chuckled at the accusation of him being hateful. “If you hate something. That makes it all the more easy to go against it later.” Spy looked down at the ground and sighed. “It doesn’t always work…”

The cutie mark crusaders were apparently very sad that someone could hate them. As such, they all ran off to their respective sisters. The orange and purple filly nuzzled cried and Rainbow Dash nuzzled her in comfort. This display of affection was interrupted however…

“Ohohoho!” Both the engineer and spy turned around to face the owner of the robotic voice.

What they saw was the bane of their entire existence. A BLU robo-spy, but this wasn’t any ordinary spy… “Gentlemen!” The spy snorted twice. The spy had its disguise kit and right arm in the air and walked oddly. This was a spycrab. The spycrabs are an endangered species, but a robotic spycrab was the most rare of them all. Most spycrabs were kept as pets for entertainment. “It seems I am not the only spy here. OHOHOHOHO!” The spycrab snorted twice again.

“It’s harmless mister spah…” The engineer started to question. “What do we do with it?”

“We will keep it as a pet and servant.” The spy stated bluntly. In reality, he was happy to finally see a spycrab. “How did it get here?” He asked the engineer.

“I reckon that he came through the teleporter before I destroyed it.” The engineer mumbled in annoyance. “Some of his circuits most have been fried…”

“But of course! OHOHOHO!” The spycrab was repeatedly bumping into a bench.
“Let us go build our house engineer!” The spy shouted with enthusiasm, “Come spycrab! We must move!” The spy pointed to the top of a hill. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance Miss Twilight, and Miss Rainbow.” The spy smirked.

“OHOHOHO!” The spycrab responded, now following the spy and engineer.

“H-Hey! Wait! You can’t just leave!” Twilight shouted after them. “I still have to send a letter to the Princesses about your arrival!”

“Like hell we can’t!” The engineer yelled over his shoulder.

“Agreed!” The spycrab snorted twice before shouting “OHOHOHO!” for the last time.

It took around ten minutes to reach the top of the hill. The engineer placed his dispenser for metal. The spycrab sat on top of the dispenser occasionally shouting “OHOHOHO!” and snorting twice. The engineer was building the perfect home for the three out of wood and metal. It was to be constructed in the manner of a barracks with a tower in one corner. The engineer said that it would take an estimated time of around three hours to completely build, because he had already designed the building before Saxton Hale hired him.

While the construction was building itself, spy was whittling a piece of wood into a unicorn. He gave the wooden unicorn various details that resembled Twilight Sparkle. He found unicorns to be very amusing and entertaining to see. At one point in his career he saw a sniper that had a unicorn balloon floating above his head while he was taking cover. Spy used the unicorn to guide him to the sniper and backstab him. He took the unicorn as a trophy and tied it to the BLU team’s intelligence briefcase as a prank. It was amusing to see the BLU team scuttle about to find who tied the unicorn to the briefcase.

The engineer had recolored the spycrab red. The spycrab apparently showed his affection to the engineer by bumping into him and stating “But of course.” The spycrab was polished and any broken parts on his body were then replaced courtesy of the engineer. After the spycrab was repaired an alarm beeped signaling that the base was finally complete.

The two humans and spycrab looked at the engineer’s creation with gusto. “Well at least we ain’t gonna worry about no machines or BLU team…” The engineer said happily.

“But of course…”