It Seems I Am Not The Only Spy Around Here

The two red team members walked inside their humble home. Somehow, furniture had already been set up inside, as there was a beautiful vase with a single rose in it, resting atop an elegant mahogany nightstand to the left side of the double doors. On the right side was a revolving hat stand that had all of engineer’s hats on it.

“Are these all unusual?” Asked the red spy. He went to put one of the hats on, but found that it would slip off whenever he sat it upon his head.

“Sorry pardner.” The engineer grabbed the barnstormer from the spy and waved a finger. “Engineers only.”

“OHOHOHO, but of course!” The spycrab had somehow found his way inside the newly formed building. The spycrab snorted twice and walked into a different room. The engineer and spy followed the spycrab into a kitchen area, as suggested by the linoleum floor and sink.

The spycrab hopped on top of a counter and started performing the ritualistic crab dance that wild spycrabs do when they mark their territory. “This is not a trick. OHOHOHO.” The spycrab hopped off the counter and started shuffling off somewhere.

“Well the moment has passed… Now back to work!” The spy brushed some dust off his suit and straightened his tie.

The engineer was about to make a response when he was interrupted by a knock at the door. “Now who could that be?” The engineer grumbled.

The spycrab had found his way over to the door first however and had opened the door. Standing at the door was the purple unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, and a large white alicorn with a long flowing mane. “Yes? OHOHOHO!” The spycrab greeted.

The alicorn spoke up before Twilight could get a word out. “Hello, may we speak to the owner of this establishment?”

“But of course!” The spycrab snorted twice and stepped aside.

The alicorn peered inside as if to check for any traps. “This is not a trick.” The spycrab reassured her. “OHOHOHO!”

The spy uncloaked before the alicorn. The alabaster pony jumped back in shock before walking up to the spy. “Are you the owner of this place?”

“Yes, that would be my friend and I.” The spy lit a cigarette between his lips.

The princess looked like she was about the say something, but she held her tongue. “Why have you come here?”

“To get away from war of course.” The spy responded. He puffed on his cigarette and blew out a ring of smoke.

“What kind of war was it?” The alicorn asked.

“Mann versus machine.” The spy spat. “Those dreadful machines, no offense to you spycrab, are a bane on Mann co.” Spy remembered when he first went up against the dreadful mechanical beasts. They invaded Mannhattan while he was staying at a hotel. The red heavy had kicked down his door and yelled at him to get up and join him. From there they walked around town adding to the team until they found everyone. The pyro, sniper, and scout had run off to hide in a coal mine while he and the rest of his teammates fought off the machines.

“You mean that there are machines with intelligence?” The alicorn gasped. “Machines can’t think!”

“Oh but they can!” The spy made a twisted smile and tipped his fedora. “Computers can think.” The spy pointed at the spycrab. “But not without the help of man.”

“What’s a computer?” Twilight spoke for the first time since the visit.

“A computer is an electronic device that can perform millions of calculations in a single second.” The engineer strode into the lobby area. “Mah sentry here.” The engineer built a mini sentry in front of them. “Can detect the baddies by itself and take ‘em out.”

The alicorn narrowed her eyes at the sentry. “What do you mean take them out?”

“The sentry kills them.” The spy said for the engineer.

The two ponies’ mouths dropped in shock, which was followed by a long silence.

The spycrab broke the silence. “But of course, OHOHOHO!”

“This property is yours technically… So you may do whatever you please with it…” The alabaster alicorn narrowed her eyes at the two humans. “But if I see any of those.” She pointed a hoof to the mini-sentry. “Then you will be sent on a one way trip to tartarus!” The alicorn snorted and teleported out of the house with Twilight.

“That was interestin’” The engineer scratched the back of his neck.

“So it was.” The spy replied, watching the door carefully.

A loud clattering sound came from the kitchen followed by a muffled yell. The spy and engineer ran into the kitchen to find a blue demoman with a bounty hat and shutter shades on. HE appeared to be holding an old frying pan that he stole from one of the kitchen cabinets. “STOUT SHAKO FOR TWO REFINED!” The demopan banged the pan against the side of his head while he waited for a response.

“How did the blue demo get here spah?” The engineer whispered to the spy.

“I have no idea.”

“OHOHOHO!” The spycrab had found his way into the kitchen and was no bumping into the demopan and a mechanical rate.

“DEMOPAN!” The demopan picked up the spycrab in both hands and hugged him.

“It appears the demoman has found a friend.” The spy stated bluntly while straightening his tie.

“Ah reckon so.” The engineer scratched at his stubble.

“It also appears that we have a new guest.”

“What do yah think captain obvious?” The engineer retorted.

The demopan decided to take matters into his own hands. He put the spycrab on his back and charged out a window, shattering it.

“It appears that we have lost our pet.”

“Ah can always build another one.”

The spy turned to the engineer. “You can build the robots?”

“Ah reckon ah can mister spah.” The engineer replied in an excited tone.

“You could construct an army of robots to guard our house from attackers then?” The spy asked hopefully.

“Or ah could just set up sentries…” The engineer grumbled. “Building those dang robots takes too damn long.” The engineer shook his head and sighed.

“Did you forget about me? OHOHOHO!” The robot spycrab uncloaked in front of the two with a dead ringer in hand. He snorted twice and proceeded to bump into the wall several times befor hobbling back into the kitchen.

“That solves that.” The engineer stated.

“There is a rouge demopan on the loose.” The spy started shivering in fear. “And he is making the worst trades possible out there…” The spy collapsed to his knees and yelled to the ceiling. “ALL THOSE WASTED KEYS AND HATS!” He stood back up with the same emotionless look as before. “Well, the moment has passed.”

%%^w^%%^w^%%

The demopan soon realized that he had been carrying a clone of the robot spycrab and tossed the body into a nearby lake. He heard a beep soon after he did that, and so he decided to check his hat radar. The hat radar was going off the charts. There were some very valuable hats nearby. He looked in the direction of a pony filled town, and saw what was making his hat radar go off. The hat detection HUD symbol on his shutter shades was blinking madly whenever he looked at a carousel-like building.

The demopan readied his chargin’ targe and frying pan. He taunted a quick “KA-BOOM!” and charged into the town. The ponies had seen the two humans from before, so they were not surprised to see him. He did get a few strange looks from some of the ponies that had not seen the humans before. The demopan waited for his charge meter to fill back up before he charged into the building. HE decided not to charge into the building, but instead knock on the door.

“Cooooming!” Rang a sing-song voice from inside. The voice belonged to a white unicorn with an elegant purple mane. She looked up at the blue demopan and frowned. “Your sense of fashion Is horrible dear!” “Just look at that awful vest!” “Are those rock-“ The unicron was interrupted by the demopan’s “KA-BOOM”

“STOUT SHAKO FOR TWO REFINED!” The demopan stepped inside the building and pointed at a random hat with his right arm while holding two refined metal bars in his left.

“I-Is that p-platinum?” The unicorn poked at the metal. She had forgotten everything about fashion and directed all her attention to the metal.

“See!” The demopan pointed at the metal, but then pointed back at a top hat.

The unicorn used magic to place the top hat in the demopan’s left arm while she took the refined metals from the demopan’s right arm.

“Many thanks!” The demopan saluted and charged out the door, knocking them off their hinges.

The unicorn didn’t notice though. She was too busy drooling all over the refined metal and thinking about what clothing could be used with it.

%%^w^%%^w^%%

“One could only shudder to imagine what horrors he might do…” The spy whispered to the spycrab.

The spycrab snorted twice. “But of course, OHOHOHO!”

The blue pyro was skipping through a meadow and only stopping to gleefully shout “MMPH!” every time he saw a flower he liked. He knew he wasn’t in pyroland, because he didn’t have his pyrovision goggles on. His rainblower looked like a regular flamethrower now, and his lollipop was a normal axe again, but yet here he was skipping through a beautiful cartoony meadow just like he was used to in pyroland. He stopped on top of a hill to look at a peaceful village that seemed to be occupied by colorful talking ponies. This didn’t surprise the pyro at all. He was used to his balloonicorn talking to him whenever he needed advice.

He had woken up in a strange and dark forest a few hours earlier. Some manticores had attacked him while he was picking some berries, but he reduced them to mere ashes with his flamethrower soon after. He had stumbled upon this meadow a few hours later with the help of a few birds and rabbits. They seemed friendly enough to not burn.

The pyro sat down cross legged as he witnessed the blue demopan charge out of a carousel-like building, the doors breaking off their hinges. The pyro clapped his hands gleefully as he watched this. “Mmph mmph!” The demopan started running in the direction of a faraway castle perched on the side of a mountain. The pyro figured that the demopan would find the crown he had always wanted at the castle.

He got up onto his feet and started skipping around the meadow again. The pyro had not been this happy since the day he had met all of the enemy team as babies. They seemed so happy to greet him. The baby sniper seemed especially happy when he got a face full of rainbows.

The pyro stopped at the peak of hill suddenly finding himself in front of a large metal and wood house. It seemed like one of the red engineer’s constructions, so he knocked on the door.

%%^w^%%^w^%%

The spycrab once again got to the door first, but only because the spy and engineer were asleep. The spycrab thought for a moment. Who could be at the door this late, but then he realized something important! Spycrabs don’t think! So he opened the door to reveal the blue pyro.

“Hudda Hudda!” The pyro pointed inside.

“But of course! OHOHOHO!” The spycrab responded gleefully, so the pyro stepped aside.

The pyro started walking around the house as the spycrab slowly shut the door. The house was dull and boring like Redmond Mann’s manor had been, before he died of course. There were paintings depicting the engineer, spy, and spycrab in various poses. Now this mansion really reminded him of the manor. The manor had been fun to burn down after they had won that match. Just a flick of a zippo lighter and woosh, no more mansion!

The pyro decided to sit in a fancy looking chair in the lobby, and was absentmindedly flicking his lighter on and off. The robo-spycrab watched the flame flicker on and off intently. The robo-spycrab decided it was time to announce the pyro’s arrival.

“OHOHOHO! Someone is most certainly here!” The spycrab then snorted twice and shuffled off to the dining room, where he proceeded to dance on the table.

“But of course.” The red spy replied. The pyro watched the red spy enter the lobby, and watched his face morph from a look of surprise to one of horror. “Engineer! The pyro has come!” The pyro cocked his head in confusion. Why was he scared of him? Pyro only wanted to bring fun and joy to those around him with bubbles and candy, but they were so scared of him.

The engineer stormed into the lobby with a mixed look of terror on his face. “How did he get here?” The engineer asked.

“The same question resides with the spycrab and demopan.” The spy was annoyed at this point. The entire blue and red team could come here as far as he knew. Based on what has happened within the past few days suggests that both teams could come here if they wanted to. The only thing that mattered at the moment was securing the pyro and making sure he wouldn’t burn anything, but just as the spy thought that, the pyro had pulled out a phlogistinator.

“Mmph Mmph!” The pyro shouted as he raised the weapon above his head and shaking it a couple of times. This was normal pyro behavior and was to be expected from him. The weapon started glowing blue and sparks were coming out of the end.

“Oh merde…” The spy face palmed. “He must have killed a few things before he got here.” HE sighed sadly. “I can’t even think about what they suffered.”

The spy’s thoughts were interrupted as he heard a strange noise coming towards the house. He stepped outside, excusing himself first like the polite mantlegen he was. What he saw stunned him. In the air were flocks and flocks of pootis birds, all of them heading towards ponyville. Suddenly, the spy had an idea. He pulled out a sandvich and threw it on the ground. A nearby flock of pootis birds swooped down from the air and started to fight over the sandvich. The spy laughed to himself when he remembered that the heavy would share his sandvich with the spy plenty of times.

The winning pootis bird looked at the spy with the sandvich in his mouth. “Pootis!”. The pootis bird started flapping away with his flock behind him. The pootis bird was apparently now the alpha pootis. The spy waved at the alpha pootis before walking back inside the house.

“It was just a few flocks of pootis birds.” He mused. “Nothing to be afraid of.”

“Alrighty then!” The engineer replied.

“Ohohoho! But of course!” The spycrab walked outside and watched the pootis birds fly overhead. He snorted twice. “A majestic sight, OHOHOHO!”

The spy sat down in an elegant chair and mused over his encounters with the heavy. HE first met the heavy in teufort, where he and the brute became good friends. They would share stories of their childhoods while eating sandviches and drinking bonk. The two teams stopped fighting when both Redmond and Blutarch Mann had died. Grey Mann took control of their land and started manufacturing robots to do his dirty work. He wanted to conquer mann co. and claim it as his own. Saxton Hale hired the six best men of both teams to stop him. They were about to push him back when he and the engineer teleported out of the area. He left the heavy behind for the good life. Implying that living here was the good life that is.

He missed the other four team mates. They went insane before the six entered Manhattan. They were getting tired of having to fight robots. He and engineer were strong willed, so they didn’t snap yet. The two had their emotional moments, but they weren’t as bad as the other team mates. That didn’t stop the spy from missing his other team mates.

The pyro was sitting in a chair polishing and tweaking his phlogistinator. It really was a great weapon, but it had its downsides. It didn’t do as much damage to enemies unless it was glowing. Doctor Grordbort himself gave the pyro the weapon. He said it was the perfect laser gun for a perfect man. If the pyro was described as perfect by an alien, then he didn’t know what perfect meant anymore. The pyro was insane from the get go. The pyro was a monster who enjoyed killing. Yet it seems that he doesn’t want to kill anything right now for some odd reason. Perhaps teleporting here affected him somehow in some way that the spy and engineer couldn’t figure out. If only the medic was here, but if the medic were here then the insanity would double.

Everything is sunshine and rainbows in Equestria, and the spy didn’t want to ruin that. He didn’t think there would be too much violence considering that the two teams aren’t out to get each other anymore, but the spy should remain cautious around former enemies and allies alike. The pyro may want to have roasted unicorn for dinner, if he has a mouth beneath the mask of his anyway. He probably did, maybe the pyro was ugly beneath the mask? Who knows?

The engineer was tweaking a sentry gun on a work table. For some reason, Twilight Sparkle was beside him looking at the bluprints for the sentry gun. “Why would you want to build something that kills things?”

“Fer defense.” The engineer grumbled.

“Why would anypony want to kill anyway?” Twilight cocked her head to the side.

“There are a lot of reasons to kill someone… The main one bein’” He got in Twilight’s face menacingly. “The killah just ain’t liking someone.” He returned to the sentry gun. The cow mangler 5000 was being implemented into the sentry gun as a fourth upgrade. Perhaps he could make the sentry gun fire lasers as well as rockets. He was nearly finished soldering the wires into place, and after that he had to screw the laser onto the gun itself. With those two things done, the new sentry gun was for all to see!

Twilight looked at the gun with curiosity. “You really are a great engineer.” She tapped the gun. “But why does it have to run off of electricity? Wasn’t it just invented?”

The engineer sighed. “No, electricity was invented in the 1800’s miss.” The engineer tapped Twilight’s horn. “Ain’t it 1971 after all?”

It was Twilight’s turn to sigh. “No… It is 2013 mister…”

That was when the engineer screamed like a little girl and fainted. rged out the XQ��V@