Twilight shifted her weight around under the blanket she was sharing with Fluttershy, her shoulder brushing against the other mare’s wing as she tried to get into a more comfortable position. Across from her, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash were sharing a second blanket, while Rarity had her own, courtesy of being the event's hostess.

“... not in favor of,” she just said.

“Aw..." Rainbow’s voice cracked. "But why not?"

“It’s too private,” Twilight answered in Rarity’s stead, and both Fluttershy and Applejack gave affirmative murmurs.

“Fine. You got other ideas?”

“We could talk about some things that make us happy?” Fluttershy suggested.

“Booooring!”

“Now yer just being a sore loser, Rainbow.”

“Am not!”

“I think that sounds fun!” Pinkie chimed in.

“Strange as it is, I am agreeing with Rainbow Dash here,” Rarity said. “We do talk about what makes us happy on normal occasions. I'd rather do something more exciting!”

“How ‘bout things that we’re glad haven’t been happenin’?”

“That sounds interesting,” Twilight mused. “Or things we take for granted. Like me being sent here. I know I’ve been taking that for granted.”

“Having found my s-special talent. If I hadn’t fallen off that cloud...”

“Ohhh!” Pinkie Pie made. “If it weren’t for the rainbow and the party I threw for my family!”

“Hah! And who made both of those happen?”

“Yes, sugar, I’m sure yer mighty proud of throwin’ Fluttershy off a cloud. Somethin' to tell yer foals 'bout, one day.”

“Heh...”

“So what are some things you’ve always taken for granted?” Twilight asked the farmpony.

"Well, I've sure taken my parents for granted when I still had 'em, but that don't really count, does it?"

An awkward silence spread as a reaction to her words, but Applejack waved it off. "It’s okay. Didn't mean nothin’ by it. Ah, but just havin' the farm at all, I s'pose, that's something to be grateful for. Can't imagine how life would be if didn't have that."

"And you?" Twilight asked to prevent a second silence.

"Me?"

"I meant Pinkie Pie, but sure, you go first."

"Uhm," Rainbow Dash made, which was already unusual for her. "I... guess just being me? Wow, that sounds stupid! No, hear me out. I mean... just, if I... if I couldn't fly. And, I mean, less than a third of us can, right? I got pretty darn lucky, there."

"Or if you weren't even a pony," Fluttershy threw in. "You could have been born a squirrel."

"Well, that's going too far now, I think," Rarity stepped in, as Rainbow Dash gave a short, hysteric laugh. "You could have also not been born in the first place. I don't think going into that direction was intended."

"No," Twilight agreed, "I don't think so, either."

"What about you, Pinkie?" Rainbow asked, turning her head to the pink pony who sat just an inch away from her, and who hadn't said anything for a frighteningly long time.

"Perhaps we should talk about something else?" Rarity suggested, but it was too late.

"Oh, I'm not scared by the thought of being an animal. Or no-one. That’s not scary to me. But being a grumpy pony. That's scary. Or... an evil pony. Or a dragon. Even if I don't understand others, I'm really happy, that I'm... me. And that I have all of you as friends."

"Me too," Twilight murmured, but she wasn't sure if it had been loud enough for anyone else to hear. It was such a strange thought. To question this. All of this. Her friendships. Her new life. It was all so wonderful... Twilight never liked thinking that it might not last forever. She just liked it too much.

But what if it had all been different? Celestia knew that there were enough other ways it could have gone. What if she hadn't been able to open that egg? That stupid dragon egg, that should have never been used for an entrance exam?

Though, supposedly that had been fate, right? It was the rainbow which connected them all. It hadn't been mere coincidence that had brought them together. The universe wasn't apathetic. It cared. It interfered. And that was a comforting thought.

Except... what if it didn't? What if it didn't care? Or just didn't care about her? There were still sad ponies out there, heartbroken ponies, upon whom fate hadn't smiled down. What if it hadn't smiled down on her, either? Suddenly, Twilight felt very sick. And before she could help it, another thought crept into her head.

Why does anything exist at all?

Twilight would have liked nothing more than to stop thinking now, but it was too late. It didn't have to be like this. There was no reason why she should be this lucky. No reason why she should have what she had. The elements. Spike. The princess. Anything.

Something was happening. Twilight could feel it, could feel the reality of the situation crumbling. Not just thoughts. She couldn't just stop if she wanted, and go back to normal. She had set things in motion, and now it was on her to see where they lead.

She wasn’t in the boutique anymore. The floor beneath her was too familiar, that texture of the library floor she had gotten used to so much. But Fluttershy was still there, and Twilight felt the urge to grab her, to keep hold of her, to preserve that wonder, that idea made flesh which was surely not built to last, that would perish at any moment, just as the library itself would perish.

Had she not always wanted somepony just like her in her life? Somepony for her to watch over, somepony kind and understanding and... but as she blinked she was gone... and yet she wasn’t gone. Twilight? she asked in a worried tone, but Twilight could not answer as her tongue was glued to her teeth, and no words escaped her lips as the image of the pegasus began to get blurry...

It was too perfect. It was just too perfect. Life was not like this. Life wasn’t a string of adventures, many of them close but all with happy endings; it was not built on an everlasting friendship withstanding every challenge thrown at it... it did not take place in a town where everyone was nice and friendly. It was not real, just as Fluttershy was not real. Where had it begun, where had it all begun, her false look on the world, her mirror that showed so much more than just her own tired reflection? Was she really the princess’ personal student? Or was that false too, the first in a string of lies, or did it go even further? Her brother...

Twilight! Fluttershy called again, but the staccato of rain against the windows of the library all but drowned out her voice. As she closed her eyes she expected that the library too would be gone, but it was still there. Not far enough. Tears dropped onto the ground, and as she turned to the right, she saw it for the first time.

A window. Perfect and tall, spanning the entirety of the room. Had she really made up excuses again and again for not going past that point? Had she made herself believe that the world was not cut in half? Whatever she had done, Twilight could not remember. She could not remember where it had all started. The lies. The self-deception. Stacked up on top of each other. But she knew it ran deeper than her biggest fears. Nothing of this was real. Fluttershy? Just the tip of the iceberg. At this point she’d be grateful if even her body was real.

She could see her breath forming white clouds on the invisible surface. As she pressed a hoof against it, she realized just how thin it was. How frail. And without her even intending to do it, the entire glass shattered. It shattered into a million splinters, smaller than the tiniest specks of dust, and like dust it covered her hoof, but like glass it cut into her skin, and she could feel the pain as blackness greeted her from beyond the wall, her mind still denying her the truth.

Twilight!

But it could not last. The next time she would wake, she would know, and now a black mist seeped out of the pain, drowning the room, drowning her thoughts, drowning everything... and everything.

“Goodbye...”

“Twilight!”

“Huh?” Twilight snapped out at once, her body jerking upwards in an involuntary movement, causing the blanket to fall off her shoulders and onto the ground behind her. Her body was covered in sweat, her heart racing against her breast as blood and adrenaline pulsated through her; and nausea was riling up, her eyes near bulging out as it overwhelmed her, and without seeing she threw up, emptying the contents of her stomach onto Rarity’s floor.

“She’s sick!" Fluttershy cried. “Somepony get her help!”

"Ohmygoshohmygosh! What do we do?"

“I can fly her to the hospital! It'll just take-"

“We ain’t transporting her like that! Better get someone to come here!”

"It's past midnight, Applejack! Who do you think-"

“Don’t,” Twilight murmured weakly. At once, everyone turned silent.

“What did you say?”

“Panic... attacks." She groaned. Her eyes were closed, and her head still felt at the verge of bursting. "I... I used to have them when I was... when I was really young.”

“For real?” It was Rainbow's voice. Twilight just nodded, getting off the ground with what must have been Fluttershy's helping hoof, keeping her eyes closed as she leaned herself against the pegasus' warm body.

“Haven’t had one in years... not since... my first year in Celestia’s school for...” She didn’t finish, fighting down another wave of dizziness.

"You never told us!"

Twilight forced herself to open her eyes. "Sorry, Rarity. I... I just didn't think... it's embarrassing and I thought I was past them..."

"That's okay," Fluttershy said in Rarity's stead and with a smile to Twilight, who in this moment, as she sensed a warmth in her chest that was so strangely unfitting to the scenario, finally realized what had been there for months. "We are all just happy that you're not sick. Isn't that right, girls?"

Affirmative murmurs went through the group, causing Twilight to smile.

"Thanks," she said quietly, feeling the effects of the attack's aftermath slowly fading inside her. "Thanks, everyone."

Author's Note