Breathing This Great Huge Thing

Orbit pulled himself out of the pool. He was done for the day, now. He stared down at his lap, and idly squished his balls together with his thighs, hooves still dangling in the water.

“Staring at your junk, boss?” Bluedrop appeared and sat cross-legged next to him.

He sighed. “Yeah, into the void or something.”

“Hey,” she pushed him on the shoulder, and he looked up. “I know taking care of you isn’t part of my job, but you’ve been even more morose these last few days than normal.”

“Have I? I usually hide it better.”

“I know this isn’t your passion,” she said, following his shifting gaze down into the shimmer of the pool water. “So I just wanted to take a moment to thank you. You’ve been a really good boss so far, even if you don’t really like any of this.”

He tried to smile, though he knew it came off weird. “Thanks. It’s not horrible; I don’t have any reason to hate it. And it keeps me strong, and fit. But I don’t feel attached to it.”

“I think I get it, at least some of it.”

He looked up at her, and squished his eyebrows down. “What brought all of this on?”

She shrugged. “My uncle died yesterday; it made me realize how fragile life is. I never really got to tell him just how much he meant to me—especially in my childhood. So before one of us dies, I want to tell you that you have been a good boss, and I believe you can find what you’re looking for.”

“Oh.” He straightened his back and tried to look more professional. “I’m sorry about your uncle. And, uh, thank you. I really appreciate how you take your job seriously, and uh, keep the facilities running smoothly.”

She smiled. “Don’t mention it.” Standing up, “Well, you can go shower now. I’ve got to go fix the pool vacuum.”

“Uh, yeah,” he said lamely, standing up and watching her go.

He thought about what she’d said in the shower, with the babble of steam and conversation nipping at his cognitive locomotive. He’d solidified, in his mind, over the past handful of years, that he was just doomed to unhappiness. That there wasn’t any way for him to be passionate, or even just joyful. But now, a tiny glimmer of hope had etched its shining self into his hard passing apathy and refused to be dislodged—for now at least.

He looked up on his walk home. The gray-and-yellow mailmare flying overhead waved at him. He waved back, and uncertainly put his eyes back onto the grass he trod.

At his own house, he sunk into the couch and stared at the ceiling for a while without turning on any lights. Eventualy, he managed to turn on some noise (Ponyville News) and wait until about 6, when Tubs was definitely home. Then he got up, turned off the TV and headed over to Tubs’s house.

Quick followed him in moments later, and while Tubs and hef talked in the kitchen, Orbit stood behind and looked around. There wasn’t much that needed doing. He picked a few things off the floor and wiped a sticky spill off the counter. It took too much energy to clean his own house, but at least he could help Tubs keep his clean. Somehow it was different; it wasn’t chores, it was helping. And he could do that still.

Sunluck came in as well, and settled in with them just as Tubs put the salad on the table. As they sat down and started talking, Sunluck had a story to tell.

“I shod the most interesting client today,” she said.

“Oh yeah?” With hez mouth full of spinach, Quick looked up at her. “Who was that?”

“It was this pony who’s cutiemark covered hez entire body.”

“Really?” Tubs asked. “Was it a tattoo?”

“No, it was all natural. Ze had a nurse accompanying hef, and they both got new shoes. The cutiemark was for drawing, and it just spread all over hef. Pencils and paints and pallets and all of that kind of stuff—from hez fetlocks to hez forehead. And the entire time ze’s laying down, ze’s drawing in a notebook. It was like ze couldn’t stop drawing; it was crazy.”

“What did ze draw?” Orbit asked, still looking into his bowl of greens like if he just pushed it around enough it would spill out all the secrets of the universe.

“I couldn’t see all of it, but I caught glimpses. Ze drew the shop with all my iron and leather working tools on the walls, while I was shoeing hef. And while I was shoeing Nurse Firm—who was like her caretaker—ze drew me and a bunch and a bunch of hooves getting horseshoes. It was all super beautiful; I felt like ze was trying to say something with each sketch.”

“That’s really interesting,” Quick said, looking at Sunluck. “Do you think hez cutiemark made hef crazy?”

“I think definitely. Ze seemed really passionate about it too.”

“Did the nurse say anything to you?” Tubs asked.

“We didn’t talk much, but she did say that ze doesn’t sleep or eat without her, because ze’s too busy drawing or painting.”

“That’s really crazy,” Quick said. “I hope ze’s okay.”

“I think that’s what hez nurse said—that they’re looking for help.”

“What do you think about it?” Tubs asked Orbit. “It sounds kind of like ze’s your exact opposite.”

“Well.” He rubbed the metal of the fork in one hand between his fingers, and looked up at them all. “I don’t know. It’s interesting. But if I had to choose—being crippled by passion or having no passion at all—I would choose to be in hez hooves. I know I’m healthier and all, technically, but It’s hard not think it would be nice, to just feel entirely consumed by it.”

“Hmm.” Sunluck leaned forward and put her elbows on the table. “It certainly must be something. I kind of want to get to know hez more. If ze’s able to do anything like talk and stuff. Ze said a few words, but they were choppy and I don’t remember them.”

Quick frowned. “I don’t know, I think you might have gotten the better end of it,” ze said to Orbit. “I know you’re not passionate about anything but at least you get to do normal things and don’t have to be followed around twenty-four seven.”

“I’d rather be passionate,” Tubs said, turning to smile at Quick. “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t like cooking and organizing. I just wouldn’t have anything at all.”

Orbit nodded.

Eventually they cleaned up diner and Orbit found himself on the couch again. Sunluck played the same game she did yesterday, and Tubs and Quick sat off to the side while Quick practiced accordion. It looked like Tubs was trying to talk hef into something, but into what Orbit didn’t know.

They filtered home, and Orbit fell asleep thinking about what Bluedrop had said to him, and about the mysterious passion pony.

Once Orbit and Sunluck had left, Tubs made Quick change back into Xaquik and kept talking.

“Come on,” he said, “Please tell them; I promise it’ll go alright.”

“I know, I know, I know,” ze closed the bellows of the accordion and pulled hez left hand out of the strap. They continued sitting on the floor, but ze put the instrument aside and faced Tubs with hez full attention now. “Can we just, please—I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“You’ve had years to get ready, you have to take the jump now!”

Ze sighed and hugged hez hard legs together. Tubs shuffled over and put his arm around Xaquik’s back. Ze leaned into him and had to maneuver hez head so hez warped horn wouldn’t poke Tubs in the face. Ze closed hez eyes and let Tubs rub hez side.

“I’m afraid, Tubs,” ze whispered.

“I know.”

“I don’t want things to get worse.”

“They have to change, Xaquik. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t want to do it, Tubs.”

Tubs kissed Xaquik on the cheek, pulled his arm up to the top of hez back and, pulling his legs around perpendicular to hef and preparing to stand up, pushed his arm under Xaquik’s legs. He picked hef up and carried hef through the living room to the bedroom.

“Mmmm, thanks honey,” ze said, muzzle nuzzled into Tubs’s chest.

Tubs laid hef down on the bed, and crawled on top of the cover next to hef. “I think we should do it tomorrow.”

Xaquik took Tub’s soft hands in hez own hard ones, and meekly played with his fingers. Tubs gave hef his other hand and let hef mess with both. “Okay. Okay, okay. But, can we approach Princess Twilight first? I just—I would feel safer knowing that we’re—that I’m okay. Legally.”

“Of course we can do that.” He wiggled his fingers and gently stroked Xaquik’s chitinous chest. “How about tomorrow morning, do you think you can do that?”

Ze closed hez eyes and pulled Tubs’s hand up to hez face. Tubs stroked it gently. “Yeah. Okay. Tomorrow morning, we’ll do it.”

Tubs kissed hef on the forehead and rolled over off the bed. “Is your house all locked up?”

“Yeah,” Xaquik said.

“Did you get enough love to eat?”

“I tell you every day honey, one week with you could feed me for a thousand years.”

Tubs turned off the lights, smiling to himself, put up Xaquik’s accordion, and pulled out his toothbrush while Xaquik stared pensively at the ceiling.

“Come on,” he called with a mouth full of toothpaste. “At least brush your teeth, okay?”

Xaquik got up and stood with Tubs and brushed hez teeth like it might be the last time he ever did. Then they both settled in the bed, and Tubs cuddled and whispered with Xaquik until they both fell asleep.

In the morning, Xaquik was even more frazzled. Ze sat with one leg hanging off the bed, kicking gently, and staring out the window while Tubs woke up.

“Babe,” Tubs sleepily wrapped his arms around hez hips while ze continued to sit rigidly. “Were you up all night?”

“Just for about an hour.”

Tubs gently kissed hez lower back. “Come on,” he started sitting up, pulling the covers away, “One step at a time, okay? Let’s take a shower first.”

“Mmmm, yes, yes.” Xaquik got up and quickly walked around the bed to the bathroom. Tubs got to his hooves slower, and came into the bathroom with the water in the shower already flowing.

The steam bloomed over the tile and Xaquik stepped in first, buzzing hez wings under the water. They showered, helped wash each other, and Xaquik became steadily more agitated. They ate a tense breakfast of mushroom-laden omelets (Xaquik’s favorite, even if ze didn’t really need to eat).

Standing at the front door, Tubs held Xaquik’s hand as ze changed into normal mild-mannered Quick.

“If anything goes wrong,” he said as he opened the door, “We’ll run away, okay? Straight to Celestia. And if she doesn’t want us, then we’ll go to Cadence in the Crystal Empire. Then Griffinstone, and if we have to we’ll make our own settlement. But don’t worry, okay? That’s not going to happen; we’ll be back here for lunch if you don’t want to eat out.”

Xaquik walked through town as if approaching the gallows. They made it to the Crystal castle and knocked on the doors.

After a moment, Princess Twilight appeared. She rubbed the side of her face as if she’d gotten very little sleep, and looked at them both. “May I help you?”

“I’m Tubs, and this is Xaquik. We were just wondering if we could, uh, ask you something.”

She squished her face together in confustion, and looked at Xaquik, who trembled and looked very determinedly away from her. “Sure? Come on in.” They crossed the threshold and she closed the door behind them. “Are you okay?”

“We’re okay.” Tubs spoke for the both of them, while Xaquik cowered behind one of his arms, trying and failing to both be polite and make hefself as small as possible.

“Well, whatever it is, I’m sure we can find the answer. Come with me,” she started leading them upstairs to the extensive non-fiction section of the library that overlooked the even more extensive fiction section.

Tubs tried to explain what was going on as they walked. “We—um—my other half sort of came to Equestria under  extraneous circumstances.”

“Oh!” She actually perked up, and as they entered the library, she grabbed several books at once with her magic. “Citizenship laws are very easy to understand—I’m sure you qualify as a citizen already, Zackit, you said?”

“Xaquik.”

She smiled reassuringly at them. Tubs gently elbowed Xaquik so ze looked up. “I. The circumstances are, well,” ze looked around at the library. There were only a few straggling patrons combing through the books; one or two sat at tables and read or took notes. “My country was sort of destroyed kind of, and I’ve been in Ponyville for about three years.”

“Oh, don’t worry at all, then,” she flipped open two books, found the passage she wanted on one and showed it to hef. “If your permanent residency is in Equestria, then you’re an official citizen of Celestia. And ponies seeking political asylum, which I think is closest to your situation, are granted it pretty much every time. All you’ll have to do is fill out a bit of paperwork. Where were you from, did you say?”

“That’s the thing, my country was kind of an enemy to Celestia while it existed.”

“Oh. Well, you’ll have to use a different form than the one I was thinking of, but that’s alright so long as you don’t harbor any serious ill will toward Celestia yourself.”

“I don’t.”

“Great! I’ll grab those forms, they’re over…” She set the books on a table, and lit her horn again, walking off a bit. Three manila folders sailed over the shelves and met themselves gently to her fingers. She pulled out a sheet from each and handed them all to Xaquik. “Here, just fill them out and send them to the Mayor’s office. I’ll even sign off on them if you want.”

“Thank you Twilight, but—uh—there’s more. I’m sort of. I’m…”

Tubs broke in, “It might be easier if we just show you. Could we go somewhere privet?”

“Uhhh, sure.” Twilight looked confused, but lead them both from the library to a door a bit down the hall. It had a small table in one corner, and the rest of the room was bare except for three huge canvases leaning against the wall.

She closed the door behind them both. “So what’s going on?”

For a moment no one said anything. Then Tubs briskly nudged Xaquik in the ribs, and ze said, “Okay, well, just please don’t freak out, Princess.”

With a pop and a flash of green fire, ze changed back into hez normal, buggy self.

Twilight didn’t say anything at first. Just stared with her jaw slack. She backed away quickly and slammed into the wall behind her. Then a wave of fierceness washed over her face and for a split second both Tubs and Xaquik were sure she was going to blast them into next year.

But she bit her lip. And curiosity took over, “Are you…friendly?”

“Oh, uh, yes. I’m—the country I left was the changeling horde.” Ze looked at her pleadingly, wringing hez hands.

“Do you—do you still eat love?”

“Well,” Tubs said now, putting his arm around Xaquik, who jumped a bit. “Yes. But I love hef, and it’s enough for hef to eat.”

Twilight seemed more at ease. “But does—wait, I’m sorry Xaquik, are you still a boy? Your genitals seem to have disappeared.”

“I’m like all changelings. We’re all hermaphrodites, and it’s all in our shell. I just have two openings down here,” still standing, ze opened hez legs and tried to show her. “One is for waste excrement and the other has both male and female reproductive organs. So, I’m neither. And I’m still a ze when I’m disguised around town.”

“Huh.” She looked genuinely interested now, but shook her head a bit and continued, directed at Tubs, “Does ze have the ability to give love?”

“As a matter of fact, ze does.”

“It’s just that other changelings can’t eat that kind of love.”

“Fascinating.” She opened the door again and a notebook and quill zoomed into the room and onto the table. “Come sit down; do you mind if I ask some more questions?” She smiled like she’d just discovered a new continent to map.

“Well—am I okay?”

“What?”

“As a citizen, is it okay if I walk around Ponyville non-disguised?”

“Oh yeah yeah yeah,” she waved a hand in the air very fast, “I’ll write a letter to Celestia and Mayor Mare and submit your paperwork and all, I’m sure it’ll be fine after everyone knows you’re friendly.”

Tubs held hez hand and led hef to sit at the table. He looked at hef, trying to communicate relief and positive feelings.

“Okay, I wrote down everything you said about hermaphroditism and eating changeling love; can you tell me more about how you metabolize emotion?”

About half an hour later, they stood, still talking to Twilight, who was very excited to get to know absolutely every detail about changeling life and clutched the documents ze’d filled out in one of her hands. When they finally managed to get away (“Yes, I’ll come back soon and tell you more about being a changeling, I promise!”), Xaquik hesitated at the front doors.

“Are you ready to go out undisguised?”

“Yes. Maybe? I don’t know. Do you think that we should maybe wait and tell Orbit and Sunluck first? Before the whole town?”

“Are you sure you’re not hiding from it again?”

“Tubs.” Ze took both his hands, pulled him forward, and kissed him. “I’m not, anymore, at least as much. I can do it, I think. But I also think I owe it to our friends to, sort of come out, to them first.”

“Well, I respect that.”

With a pop, ze was Quick again.

“This might be the last time I’m not myself.”

Tubs hugged zef hard. “I really hope so.”

They left the crystal castle, and just as they started down the steps, two ponies started up them. Discreetly as he could, Tubs nudged Xaquik and nodded at them.

The pink one was dressed, which was a little odd, especially in the summer heat, but the one by her side was the cutiemark pony. With colors and outlines all over hez body, lines and painting and drawing implements, swaths of paints, bursts of graphite and peals of paper. Ze was absorbed, completely, in a notebook ze held, scribbling in it quickly. Ze passed a glance at Xaquik, seemed somewhat excited by him, and as they passed on the steps Tubs could make out an already recognizable sketch of Xaquik’s chest. Hez hands filling in quickly the areas to shade and the areas not to shade with the patches of orange and white.

They stopped descending for a moment to see them reach the top and go inside.

“Woah, that was hef!” Xaquik said, turning to Tubs as they started to walk again.

“Yeah, it was. That was crazy, the cutiemark really did cover every bit of hef. Wow. Wow. And ze was drawing, too.”

“And that other pony must have been the nurse.”

“Yeah.”

They kept walking, and as they got closer to Tubs’s house, he had an idea. “Hey, Xaquik, we can go and see Sunluck and Orbit right now. I’m sure they won’t mind.”

“Hmm. Well, can we rest a bit first?”

“Yeah, of course. Do you want to crash alone for a while?”

“I wouldn’t mind. I’ll be back over in a bit.”

“Okay, babe.”

They got up to Tubs’s door, and hugged goodbye.

In hez own house, Xaquick changed back into hefself and flopped onto hez couch. Ze pulled a pillow to hez head and closed hez eyes for a moment. It had all gone much better than ze’d expected. But still, it was tiring. After a few moments, ze got up and straightened up hez house a bit. It was all very brightly lit, decorated gaily with flowers and flower-print upholstery, wallpaper, curtains, carpet.

After ze’d finished vacuuming, ze sat down on the couch again and tried to decide what ze wanted to do. Stressful, stressful. And soon ze’d be confronting hez friends about it. Slowly, hez hand snaked downwards, and ze focused on drawing out hez male part—a tin, tapered penis. Ze masturbated gently, just thinking about the pleasure of the sensation.

When ze finished, ze felt a little better, and waited a moment before getting up to clean hefself off.

Orbit rested for a moment, just finishing five hundred meters. He looked up and had to look back again. Outside, Sunluck, Tubs, and Quick were walking happily up to the center.

Sure enough, a few moments later they were walking into the pool room, beelining for him. He pulled himself out of the water, and stood to face them. “What’s going on?” They looked too happy for something bad to have happened. At least, that was what he thought.

“I don’t know,” Sunluck said, coming up to him with a smile. “Tubs and Quick have an announcement or something, so they’ve come and got me off work early.”

“You closed the Super Shoeing Shop?”

“No, no, Oxeye is watching it for me.”

“Oh, right.”

She looked down at the pool. “You have to shower off, right?”

“Yeah. Sunluck, you’re supposed to shower before—“

But she jumped in and started doing laps. Quick seemed nervous as ze watched her swim, but Tubs seemed happy. After a moment, he said, “Well, we’re just having a special early dinner at my house is all.”

“What’s it for?”

He smiled bigger, “It’s a surprise.”

Sunluck drew up to them again, splashing water over the filter grill. “Alright, I got to do two laps. Let’s go shower off.” She climbed out and walked with Orbit to the showers. They waved at Quick and Tubs, who walked back to wait in the lobby.

In the showers, Sunluck talked with Orbit while she soaped up her legs. “I bet I know what this all about. I bet you do too, huh?”

“What are you thinking?”

“Well come on, they’ve been dating for almost four years. Will be in a couple months. Either one of them—I bet it’s Quick—has proposed, or one of them is going to tonight.”

“It does make sense.”

“Hey,” she turned her back to him. “Can you get my wings?”

“Yeah, sure.” She stretched out one feathery appendage and Orbit carefully washed it with soap. He’d felt wet feathers before, but it had been a long time. It was a strange feeling, like it wasn’t supposed to be. As if, just like how he felt with swimming, the wings had been kicked out of the sky and into the closest thing resembling it: the water. He finished one wing and she offered him her other.

“So, what do you think?”

“Probably. I can’t see what else it would be.”

“I know, it’s so exciting!”

He finished washing and rinsing, but his hands lingered in the feathers. Feeling the muscles of the sturdy, if not particularly powerful, wing.

“Orbit?” The feathers left his fingers as she folded her wings and turned back around to face him. “You lost in thought?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.”

“About having wings and flying and stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay. You can play with my feathers later if you want, but let’s wash up for now, okay?”

“Right, right. Sorry, Sunluck.”

“I know you don’t mean anything by it. Besides, preening isn’t like having sex or anything. It’s like a massage—it’s only intimate if you make it so.”

“Thanks, that’s reassuring.”

They finished washing up, and each grabbed one of the fresh towels from the bin and dried off. About to walk out, Sunluck grabbed Orbit and pulled him in front of the large mirrors above the sinks.

“Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Just do it.”

He did it, and felt Sunluck pressing her face and arms against his back.

“Okay, open.”

He opened his eyes and saw himself standing there, looking a bit confused and stupid, with huge, beautiful wings sprouting out of his back and arching all the way from the batroom stalls to the wall. He tried to feel it. Tried to imagine what it felt like. And it hit him, as he tried to put himself into the appendages that shivered without his control, that were too small and that clashed with his coat color, that these were never going to be his wings. That he would never have wings of his own, that this was the closest he was ever going to get to flying. He would never fall into the sky, and even if he could, what would it solve? What did all of that vague, wistful daydreaming really mean or amount to? Nothing.

Sunluck folded them back and pulled him around as he started to cry. “Woah, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to taunt you or anything, I just thought—“

“N-no, it’s okay. I know, I know, I know.” He couldn’t get anything else out.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry. Um. Uh. Here,” she pulled his towel off his shoulders and balled it up so he could hide his face in something. He held it to his eyes and his running nose halfheartedly as at least half of the ponies in the locker room turned to look at him.

“Orbit, come on. It’s okay. Nothing’s happened, it’s alright.” She looked up and tried to communicate to everyone with her eyes that things were okay. He weakly walked out of the bathroom and collapsed into quieter sobs on a bench. With ponies still looking at them, Orbit took a minute to try to recover, drawn into a ball, and gradually shaking less. Gradually stopped until he was only staring intensely miserably at the floor.

Bluedrop entered the locker rooms with an air of purpose and a bit of fear. She found Orbit and walked over briskly. “Are you the one crying in here?” She asked gently.

Sunluck nodded to her. They’d met once or twice before, but didn’t know each other hardly at all. Blue drop sat on Orbit’s other side as he finished pulling himself together.

“I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to freak you or any of the patrons out. It just hit me, kind of all at once, that I’m never going to fly.” He laughed bitterly, “It’s so stupid. Sorry. Just, give me a minute.” He rubbed his eyes like maybe he could solve all of his problems by squishing them into his skull, then stood up.

He hugged Sunluck. “Thanks for showing me that. I really needed it.”

Then he turned and hugged Bluedrop. “Thanks for checking up on me, again.”

“No problem, boss. Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?”

“Already on my way.” He gave his nose a final wipe and moved with them out of the locker room, tossing his towel with Sunluck’s in the used towel bin.

They walked out, and Bluedrop patted Orbit on the shoulder before she left to return to work.

Sunluck asked him if he was really alright as they came up to Tubs and Quick. He nodded, deliriously and spitefully becoming happy, like a pony who’d been scheduled to burn at the stake finding out he would only be painlessly put to sleep.

“Tubs, Quick! Let’s go eat or something!”

They saw his puffy eyes, and Sunluck’s unease next to him. “Are you alright?” Quick asked. Tubs echoed the question with his eyes.

“I’m fine. Everything’s fine, let’s go.”

They all walked out and followed Tubs to his house. Tubs got to work making dinner with an atmosphere of vague excitement tinged to feel like dread—because of his breakdown, Orbit thought. He tried to let it not weigh on him too much, but felt it prikle in his extremeties, like a cloud slipping around him.

“Do you want us to help, Tubs?” Sunluck asked, standing with her hands on her hips.

“No, it’s alright. Quick can help enough.”

“Alright, then. Orbit, come play Croc with me.”

“Okay.”

He sat on the couch and pulled up into his ball while she started up the Playstable. Then, once she’d gotten the game running and put in the password to get access to all the levels she’d beaten already, she pulled one of Orbit’s arms out and pressed the controller into it.

“You can start in the ice world if you want, that’s where I left off yesterday, or you can just play them all from the beginning.”

“Haven’t you beaten this whole game more than once?”

“Yeah, and it’s still great. Come on,” she moved closer to him and, keeping his hands on the controller, hit “start level” and moved him forward a bit. “I know you’re sad and you’re unhappy right now, so just don’t focus on it for a bit okay? Maybe it’ll help.”

“Alright.”

In the kitchen, Tubs talked in a low voice to Xaquik, whose nerves were growing and churning again.

“You can do this, okay? You’ve got permission from the princess, you’re fine.”

“But what if they hate me? Tubs, I don’t think I can do it.”

“You have to. And tomorrow—heck, just later tonight—everything will be okay.”

“Hhhh, Luna I can’t wait for three hours for now when all of this is over.”

“Just relax. They’ll be cool about it, trust me.”

Eventually, they sat around the table, eating a delicious confit byaldi. A few bites in, Tubs started to say, “Well, Quick has a bit of an announcement.”

Xaquik choked on a bit of vegetable, and swallowed it with some difficulty. Sunluck smiled hugely, and Orbit seemed quietly happy for hef. “Well, uh, I’m. I’ve kind of got a secret to break to you. I’m sorry I’ve been keeping it for so long, but, well, I’m going to tell you now, so please don’t freak out. Okay?”

Positively jubilant, Sunluck nodded eagerly.

“I’m a changeling, and my real name is Xaquik Fadez.” With a pop, ze became hefself.

Orbit didn’t really move at all. He shuffled a little, and looked surprised, but that was it. Sunluck jumped out of her seat.

“Woah, woah, what?” She backed up into the living room with one powerful beat of her wings and looked at him farther away. “Have you been a bug the entire time?”

“Well, a changeling, yes.”

Desperately, she turned her gaze away from hef, “Orbit? Tubs?”

Tubs leaned over to Xaquik, put his arm around hef, and kissed hef on the cheek.

Orbit laughed. It was so unexpected as to be rude, and he could tell, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Hahah, sorry Quick. Xaquik. Whatever.” He shoveled a forkful of food into his mouth, “I don’t care. Does this mean you two aren’t getting married?”

“What?” Flustered a little bit, “I mean—what does this have to do with marriage?”

“We thought you two were getting married,” Sunluck explained, warming up a bit, letting her muscles relax and wings fold again. Her hands remained fists, but fell loosely to her sides. “We thought this was going to be your announcement party.”

Tubs laughed now, and Xaquick smiled brightly at him. “Well,” Xaquik said, “we’re getting close I think.”

“What do you say, could we do it?”

“Get married?”

“Yeah.”

“Tubs, I’d love to marry you.”

“Then it’s settled.”

Ze pushed a little closer to him and seemed to glow with quiet happiness. “But we’ll have to do it later.”

Sunluck came closer. “Sorry I freaked out. I don’t know—you’ve lied to us for years, then. I feel hurt, even if you don’t, Orbit.”

Orbit looked up again at Xaquik, and took in hez buggy-ness. He shrugged. “It’s nice to finally see the real you. Did you come from that swarm that attacked Canterlot?”

Ze rubbed hez hands together and smiled awkwardly. “Yep. Sorry about that.”

“Whatever.”

Sunluck sat down again, keeping her legs crossed at the pastern and hooves under the chair. She pulled her plate closer to her and tried to smile. It came off warped.

“I’m sorry I lied to you both for so long,” Xaquik said, looking down a bit. “At first it was necessity; I wanted out of the swarm but I couldn’t go anywhere as a changeling. We all got blasted out of Canterlot, and I ended up halfway between Ponyville and where the rest of the swarm landed. So I came to Ponyville and disguised myself. I chose it all myself though—even though ‘Quick Fiddles’ isn’t real, ze isn’t just another pony you might find one day. I imagined it all fresh, the colors and the cutiemark.

“And I should have told you all when I told Tubs—he found out sort of accidentally—but I was afraid you’d all hate me and I’d get arrested. We saw Twilight, though, and I’m legal, and I’m here now. I’m out. So, I’m really sorry, Sunluck, and to you too, Orbit. But, uh, thanks for not freaking out.”

Sunluck nodded, and started to eat again. “It makes sense, I guess. But, I’m really, really sorry Xaquik, I hate bugs.”

Ze laughed, much to Sunluck’s relief. “That’s okay, I know it might take a while to get used to it.”

They kept talking over dinner, and slowly Sunluck became okay again, though still on edge just from Xaquik’s general appearance. About a half hour later, she suddenly jumped up. “Wait, you’re a changeling!”

“Yes?”

“Can you do me?”

“What?”

“Me, can you become me?”

Seeing her excitement, ze stood up. “Okay, I’ll do it, but remember that I’m not you—I’m still Xaquik underneath.”

She nodded briskly.

And with a pop, there were two Sunlucks standing on either side of the table.

“Woah, awesome!” She ran around the table and came up to hef. “Can I, like…”

The Sunluck in front of her shrugged hez shoulders. “What do you want me to do?”

“Woah, your voice is different. Turn around.”

Ze did so. “It’s actually the same—your voice resonates in your head so it sounds different from what you hear. This is what you sound like to all of us.”

“Huh. So I guess now you can hear what I think I sound like.” She put her hands on zev back as she explored it. “Dang, so this is what I look like from behind. Look at my tail, look at this, I’m totally changing styles later. Nice wings, though. Good butt. That’s my cutiemark, cool.”

Xaquik turned and smiled at her in her own skin, “What do you think, do you like the way you look?”

“Hmmm, can I see one of my arms? Cool. Look at these muscles. Huh.” She looked up to the area she’d been avoiding a bit, and stared into Xaquik’s eyes and face. “Sorry if this is making you feel weird, Xaquik, I’m going to touch your face, okay?”

Ze closed hez eyes. “Go ahead.”

She ran her hands over the face slowly. Over the muzzle and the eyebrows and the nose, the ears, the cheeks, the chin. “Well,” she said after she’d had enough, “I’m not as ugly as I thought I was.”

“You’re not ugly at all,” the other her said back to her, smiling. Ze took her hand again and put it to hez face again. “You’re beautiful. I feel beautiful.”

Sunluck teared up a bit, smiling despite herself.

“Sunluck, you’re the prettiest mare I know.” Tubs said.

“Yeah,” Orbit said as well, “You are pretty, really.”

“Guess it’s my turn to cry today,” she choked out, before she scooped Xaquik up in a hug. “I can’t communicate how much I appreciate that.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

She separated and, wiping her eyes, said, “Okay, you can change back now. That’s really cool; we should prank someone sometime,” and sat back down.

Xaquik changed, then looked at Orbit, who could feel it coming and averted his eyes to the pepper grinder on the table.

“Orbit, do you want me to do you now?”

“I’d really rather you didn’t.”

Pop. “Are you sure?”

Almost automatically, against his will, he turned to look. He saw himself similing at himself, and it highlighted everything he hated. And that stupid face taunting him, so full of passion and life and wearing his dead husk as a joke. It happened too fast for him to stop himself, but his hands grabbed his plate and it sailed through the air to slam cleanly into hez face. The ceramic fractured and flung itself away in pieces, and in a flash Xaquik, a bug again, hit the floor fearfully holding a hand to hez scratched face and bleeding nose.

“What the hell, Orbit?” Tubs said, standing up so fast his chair fell over.

“I didn’t mean to—I’m sorry, I—It just happened—“

Xaquik tried to stand up again, falling back down from the shock.

It was too much. Orbit ran to the door, slammed through it, and sprinted to his house, locked himself in, and started crying again. As he sobbed, he ripped the bottle of Sleep-Aid off his nightstand and forced pills down his throat until his mouth went dry.

Still leaking, he pulled himself onto the bed and waited to see if he’d wake up.

Tubs helped the stunned Xaquik off the floor. “Are you alright?”

“My nose hurts, but I’m fine. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“He shouldn’t have done that.”

Sunluck jumped up, “I’ll go get him,” and flew out the door.

While Tubs held a paper towel to hez nose and inspected the scratches on hez face, ze said, “Don’t blame Orbit.”

“I’m trying not to, but he hurt you and broke one of my nice plates.”

“It’s my fault. He said he didn’t want me to do it, but I didn’t think about how that could be a bad experience, I just thought it might make him feel better.”

“I know, babe, I know. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. It was like getting punched; I’ve been punched before, I’m alright.”

Tubs handed hef the towel to hold for hefself. He leaned back against the kitchen counter and sighed. “I’m sorry, Xaquik.”

“What are you on about, none of this is your fault.”

“I know, but I still feel bad.”

Xaquik kissed him clumsily and held him close with one arm. “It’s okay. Orbit just freaked out a bit, kind of like Sunluck did at first. It’ll be fine. Right?”

“Yeah.”

Sunluck knocked first. When no one answered, she tried to open the door. Finding it locked, she flew over the house and checked the back door. It resisted her the same. She tried the kitchen window and managed to pry it open. Kicking the screen off, she climbed in and shut the window behind her.

“Orbit? I know you’re mad, or sad, or whatever you are, but we’re not mad at you, okay?”

There came no response. Orbit wasn’t in the kitchen, the living room, but she saw him in his bedroom. Curled up and shivering in a ball on his bed. Walking quickly up to him, “Hey, listen, we’re not angry and Xaquik is okay. Ze’s fine, you didn’t really hurt hef”

Orbit moaned a bit in response, and Sunluck noticed for the first time the little white pills dotting the ground.

“Oh my Luna, you didn’t—how many pills did you take? Orbit, talk to me!”

“Too many,” he managed, eyes closed.

She grabbed the bottle and started reading over it, while moving dully toward the landline in the living room. She stopped. “Okay, it’s just melatonin. My mom takes that too, I think you’ll be alright. How do you feel?”

Moving like an alarmed slug, he fell out of bed and staggered into the bathroom. Sunluck followed him and he crumpled over the toilet to threw up; a fist twisting his stomach slowly into a knot.

She squeezed between him and the wall, still holding the bottle, and put her arm over his back as he trembled and the bile flowed slowly out of him.

Mouth coated in sick, he whispered, “I just want to die, Sunluck. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I just hate everything, I hate everyone, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be anything. I just want it all to stop.”

“I know you don’t like anything. I know you don’t like anypony, including us. And I know talking about how much we need you isn’t going to do anything but guilt trip you. I don’t know what to say, Orbit, besides just that there is stuff worth living for. I know you can find your passion one day—find people you like more and something that’s fulfilling for you to do. I believe in it. I believe in you. And so do Tubs and Xaquik and Bluedrop and everyone you know. Things can get better, I promise.”

He was quiet, resting his muzzle against the porcelain while he waited for more to come up. “There’s no good that I can see anymore. It’s all become rubbish for me.”

Quiet for a moment. Then, timidly, “Do you want, uh, would it make you happy if I—you know," she snaked a hand down his back and gently held his outer thigh.

Orbit vomited again and let himself fall onto the floor on the other side of the toilet. “Don’t prostitute yourself just because you think it’ll help. That’s a shit reason to have sex.”

Sunluck pulled her legs together and held them with her arms. “I know. I’m sorry, I just thought… yeah, that would only make this worse. Did you get it all out?”

He nodded, moving his thick face very slowly against the smooth, cold tile floor.

“We need to get some food into you before you pass out, okay? I’ll grab something from your kitchen.” She got up and went to the kitchen to rummage, feeling the stifled tinge of shame and fear as she did. Looking for something that felt wholesome she came up with oatmeal. “Just wait a minute while I microwave this, okay?”

From far back in the house, “Huu.”

They were quick oats, and only took two fidgety minutes to cook while she tried to think her way out of the gross feeling of the pity sex she’d offered. She grabbed some cream from the fridge and stirred it in so it wouldn’t be boiling when she gave it to Orbit.

Back in the bathroom, she closed the toilet and flushed, set the oatmeal down on the lid, and sat next to Orbit, propping him up on her side.

“Try to stay awake, okay? Just long enough to eat.”

He breathed out in a wheeze, “Hhh. I’m sorry I’m such shit.” His voice barely there.

She pulled the oatmeal off the lid and pressed it to his hands. “You’re not shit, okay? Just eat.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short.”

He didn’t argue more. Slowly, moving spoon to mouth and swallowing weakly, he ate. In the little tiny world of the bathroom, the oatmeal went by very gradually. But after what might have only been seven minutes of uncomfortable sitting and an uneasy quiet, he’d finished it, drooping like he would pass out any second.

“Do you want to try to brush your teeth?”

He nodded. Sunluck helped him up and put toothpaste on his tooth brush, then helped support him as he forced his last energy into smearing his teeth with the bristles. With the final spit, he dropped the brush in the sink, swayed on the spot, and foal-stepped toward the bed. Sunluck held up his right side, and let him fall into onto the covers, then pulled half of the sheet he was on over him.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, when you wake up, okay?”

He was already asleep. She sighed and walked back to the bathroom, rinsed out his tooth brush and put it up, and took the bowl and spoon to the kitchen. Then she unlocked the front door, opened it, locked the handle, stepped out, and shut it again.

Tubs and Xaquik were just outside; she caught up to them.

“He kind of, uh,” she had no idea how to phrase it lightly, “Swallowed half a bottle of melatonin, then puked it up. I made him eat some oatmeal before he passed out; he’ll be okay in the morning.”

“Wait,” Tubs said, “You mean he tried to kill himself?”

“Oh Luna, I didn’t mean to make him that upset.” Xaquik said. “I really shouldn’t have done that, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Sunluck said. “It’s super hard to overdose on that stuff, he’ll be fine.”

Tubs looked at Orbit’s house. It held a new sinister shadow, in its black windows and vacant lawn and undecorated brick. “Maybe this will be good for him.”

“How?” Sunluck asked.

“Well, whatever he freaked out about is something already in himself,” he turned to Xaquik, “You can only look like him. Only show it to him. So, maybe this will help him understand himself and—you know—get better somehow.”

“I don’t know.” Xaquik shook his head slowly.

“Should we… call it a day, or what?” Sunluck asked.

“Well. You said he’s okay?” Tubs asked.

“Physically, anyway.”

“Alright. We did have dessert planned, if that sounds good.”

“I don’t know. Would it be right to eat cake just after a friend tried to kill himself?”

“Probably not.” Tubs nodded. “But it can be comfort food, not celebratory food.”

She sighed. “I don’t think so, Tubs. Thanks for the offer, and I’m sorry about the party kind of fizzling because of Orbit. I do accept you, Xaquik, and I’m sure that after a while I won’t mind hugging a bug. Maybe we can eat sweets tomorrow, okay?”

They nodded. Tubs hugged her, and she shook hands with Xaquik, shivering at his hard fingers and the holes in the palm. “I’ll be over early tomorrow—I told Orbit I’d check up on him.”

“We’ll be up too.” Tubs said, nodding seriously.

Sunluck flew home a little slowly. She felt bad for freaking out over Xaquik, and for Orbit and for not taking up the offer of dessert. But whatever. Orbit was safe, and so was everyone else, and in the end that was enough for one day.

She glided down to her porch and went inside, much more tired than usual. Before heading to bed, she drank two glasses of water. As all of the worry and stress crowded around her and fought off sleep, one positive thought floated back to her. “You’re beautiful. I feel beautiful.” It spread a warm heat of contentment and joy out from her heart, prickling all the way into her hooves, and carrying her gently off to sleep.

“Well,” Tubs said to Xaquik as they settled under the covers. “That went pretty well overall.”

“I’m worried about Orbit.” Xaquik got comfortable by squishing hez pillow extra hard and lightly cuddling with Tubs, who ze interlaced fingers with for a moment.

“Yeah, me too. I don’t think there’s anything we can do, though.”

“That worries me as well. I thought it would help, oh Luna, I wish I hadn’t done that. I heard him say no and I still did it. Uhg, stupid.”

Tubs squeezed his hand. “You didn’t know how he’d react. It’s okay, no one died.”

“He tried to die, how is this not a bigger deal?”

“Because he’s passed out, and we can’t do anything until he wakes up.”

“I guess. I don’t know honey, this all feels really bad.”

“Well, sleep on it. Maybe you’ll get better vibes tomorrow.”

“Mhm.”

Early in the morning, Xaquik flew over to hez own house to freshen up before they all went to make sure Orbit was okay. Ze checked the mail before ze went in, and to hez surprise, ze had a letter from Twilight.

It asked hef if ze’d be willing to come to the castle that afternoon to take the form of another pony in order to help them mentally. The request seemed almost ironic to Xaquik, but ze remembered watching Bristles and hez nurse climb the steps of the castle, and hastily put two and two together.

Mulling the idea over, ze showered and ate breakfast. Whatever would happen between hefself and Bristles, at least now ze’d be prepared for it.

Sunluck woke up and stared at the ceiling instead of getting out of bed. The clock on her nightstand displayed twelve six. She yawned, pulled her vibrator and bottle of aloe vera off the night stand and loudly pleasured herself. Then she sat up, glided over to the bathroom, and showered, bringing the toy with her to wash it off.

After drying herself off, she trotted to the open living room and started stretching on the rug. She had a few dozen yoga poses she’d memorized and that she practiced every morning to stay limber. It, most times along with masturbating, usually helped relieve the stress for a fresh day.

But today all it did was keep it at bay for a small time. While she flew to Orbit’s house, the warm, loose feel under her skin drained away with all the thoughts that pushed into her head.

She met with Tubs and Xaquik, who looked happy, outside Orbit’s house.

“This is the first time I’ve been outside without disguising myself.”

“That’s great, Xaquik.”

“Thanks.” Ze looked more genuinely and honestly happy then she’d seen hef before.

“Well, let’s go I guess.”

They all walked up and knocked on the door. After about two long, tense minutes where Sunluck knocked again, Orbit answered the door.

He looked okay. Not terribly good or bad, just sort of the morose neutral that he usually looked like. He saw Xaquik and immediately slumped into a crestfallen sort of slouch. “Are you okay?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you okay?”

He closed his eyes, leaned forward, and pulled hef into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Xaquik, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Ze hugged him back, “Don’t worry about it, really, I’m okay. I’m sorry I freaked you out.” Ze couldn’t tell exactly, but it felt like he was fighting tears away. He started to pull back, and before he got too far away, Xaquik stopped him and, leaning up so ze could reach, kissed him gently on the forehead.

It broke him. He could feel the big, ugly tears stream down his big, ugly face as he stood before them all, burying his eyes in his elbows and trying not to whimper.

“Come on,” Tubs gently put one large arm behind his back and led him off the doorstep and toward Tubs’s own house. “I’ll make us all breakfast.”

Orbit sat on the couch with Sunluck on one side and Xaquik on the other; moving the little crocodile on the screen in pathetic tiny motions trying vaguely to save the little brown lint balls and get to the exit. They didn’t speak much.

Tubs made a blueberry pie quicker than they ever thought he could have. He gave the explanation for making pie over something more traditionally nutritious and breakfast-like as, “Well, I didn’t get to make dessert yesterday so I made it today,” even though they knew in the back of their heads that it was  comfort food. Almost like a reward for making it through the night, or maybe a tasty incentive for continuing on.

“Listen, I’m really sorry for ruining the party last night.”

“It’s okay—it’s my fault too.” Xaquik said.

“Orbit,” Sunluck said, “Is there anything we can do to help you?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Well, we’re worried about you. I think maybe you should see a counselor.”

Shaking his head, “No, I’m not going to pay to have someone prod at me under a microscope.”

“You just tried to kill yourself, can’t you take that seriously?”

“It’s not that I’m not taking it seriously, I just don’t think it would help. I already talk to you guys, I don’t think a counselor would provide anything new.”

For a moment they were quiet. “Will you let us help?” Xaquik asked.

Orbit stared down miserably at his slice of half-eaten pie. It tasted too good for how he felt right now. “I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask.”

Quiet for a moment again.

Well,” Tubs said, trying to look the politically correct kind of optimistic. “We can do something fun, if you want. Why don’t we take the lake ride near Rainbow Falls tomorrow?” He turned to Xaquik, “It can be your first outing as a changeling.”

“That sounds nice. Orbit?”

“Alright. I think I want to make up for yesterday. If that sounds fun to you, then I’m for it.”

Xaquik smiled at him. “We can make it fun.”

“A psychiatrist.” Sunluck said.

Orbit shook his head. “I don’t know if it’s bad enough for that.”

“Bullshit, Orbit, and you know it.”

He looked over at her to retort, saw the fire in her eyes, and bit his tongue. Xaquik looked on at him with immense concern. Tubs pressed his gaze on him rather harshly; willing him to say yes. “Fine. I’ll look into it.” He dropped his fork onto the rest of his piece of pie and put his head in his hands. “I will. I’ll look into it, I promise.”

“Good. If you don’t care about yourself, fine. We’ll care about you for you.”

There were no more tears for him. It was only hollow, and hollower than usual. As if the walls were thinner now, so that they could have nothing inside to a higher degree. He stared down at the blueberry filling oozing slowly out of the protection of the crust of the little piece left. “Thanks I think. One day I’ll appreciate it, I hope.”

Eventually, Orbit left to report to the pool building late, and shortly after that they all returned to their respective daily grinds.