Cereal

        Just kidding. The guy who sent me here wasn’t that polite. Definitely not polite enough to wish me well on my travels, give a little supplies to start me off, or even tell me what the hell was going on.

        In reality, it went something like,

Me: “Oh, hi!”

Him: “Off you go!”

*Pop!*

Me: “Oh boy, oh boy, Equestria! Just what I’ve always dreamed of! Thank you magical stranger!”

        In case you didn’t notice, it didn’t actually happen exactly like that. Just mostly. There was a whole lot more creeping and a whole lot less enthusiasm on my part.

        Sparkbuster and I soon went our separate ways at the BronyCon, ‘a place to meet new friends,’ and hopefully none of the creepy kind. I love my life and it’s sense of irony. Just not terrible enough to keep me on the teetering edge of madness.

        At the con, you had the classic participants: the cosplayers walking around in bumbling, stuffy outfits; the ‘just looking around’ people, and the first conners, me included in that group. All I was asking for was a fun week and hopefully not get singled out. Again, I love my life’s sense of irony. It even made my week fall apart on day one! How utterly kind!

        Apparently, that was also as kind as Life was gonna be with me.

        A greeter welcomes me to the con, wearing a overly cheery smile for a guy and sporting a Sombra t-shirt. He had a look that made people both want to stare and look away, with a scraggly half-beard and short, curly hair. A messy greeter, but a greeter nonetheless, standing with two others who are trying, but look miles less enthusiastic.

Huh. This actually seems pretty fancy, if they have greeters and everything. Even if one looks too happy to not be on drugs. Maybe it’s just the Con hype. Sure.

“Welcome!” He says while handing me a brochure, “To BronyCon!”

        “Uh…” I falter for a second as I try to mimic his cheeriness, “Thanks!”

Apparently he wanted to go completely against his Sombra shirt and went full Pinkie Pie instead. He beamed happily at me, and I saw something dark and scary glint in his eyes.

Argh.. I almost cringe, and just barely keep from shivering, That was surprisingly uncomfortable. I hope the rest of this con won’t be so awkward. And he is definitelygoing for a ‘Pinkie Pie’ feel.

        I almost hope he would be stuck doing something that requires less people to meet him and suffer the same fate I did. No, bad thought. MLP is supposed to help me get over that, remember? I tell myself while also promising myself to think badly of no one, at least for the rest of the duration of the con.

        The day flies by. I had only prepared an excess of $200 for free spending, not realizing how expensive things could be. I get these are all custom made, but can’t there be at least somethingbeside candy for less than a dollar? I also had to keep enough of the two hundred to cover any weird emergencies, which I guessed might take around $100. That left me with $100, or $20 per day, and I wanted to make it last. Too bad I wouldn’t be able to spend any of it.

        Pushing my limits, I decide to try to socialize. This is a Con, I tell myself, it's not time to stand in a corner and play with myself (both meanings, in case you were wondering). Then I remember my experience with the greeter. Maybe tomorrow, I resolve.

        I return home at around nine at night, or at least as ‘home’ a hotel room ten stories up and with a broken AC can get. Immediately after I walk in, a knock sounds at the door, which was strange, since there was no one with me on the elevator, or anywhere near me for the past five minutes for that matter.

        “Coming!” I call as I make my way to the door.

        I brace myself as I open the door at what I hoped was a normal pace, fully prepared to duck and disarm the moment I saw a weapon. I grow even more wary as I see who the visitor was.

        “Hey there!” The creepy greeter guy says, the creepy look still in his eyes, however deeply hidden.

        “Hi! What’s up?” I ask, resisting to add in ‘Why the FUCK is your creepy ass at my hotel room?’ and trying my darndest to sound enthusiastic that some weird guy I barely even knew (emphasis onbarely) decided to stalk me and come to my room at 9 in the night.

        “Well, I just realized, I forgot to get your name this morning, and hey!” His eyes light up “you don’t have my name either! We can get to know each other tonight!”

        Trying to keep possible implications of that out of my head and resisting the urge to run, I grimace and try to come up with an excuse capable of making Mr.Creepy go away. Alright, now more than doubly confirmed. This man is Pinkie Pie. Except even weirder.

        “Uhh… It’s kinda late, and I wanna get to sleep early for the con tomorrow. How about we talk there?”

        “No, it’s good. We can talk now, and you can sleep after.”

        The scary look in his eyes intensified and I realized that this may be the night I die. I casually put my hand on the door, prepared to slam it in his face the moment he made any sudden moves. This was getting waaaay to weird for even a con, especially my first one.

        “Hah. Right. So… You wanna start?” I laugh nervously while resolving to stay at home and live a humble life from today on if I was lucky enough to survive.

        “Okay!” He says and perks up even more as he tells me his name.

        “I’m John, but yoooouuu can call me Flash Vector!”

        I nearly scream. Very, very nearly. It was partially the way he said ‘you’ and partially because he just had to make me call him by his own OC name. I shiver, He is most definitely FUCKING INSANE and I am DEFINITELY not coming to another one of these CreepCons.

        “Great. Uhh… Nice to meet you… Flash Vector… I’m...” Shit. I need a bullshit name. ANYTHING to keep this guy from tracking me down. Hmm.. I spot a painting in the hallway behind him. Under it, a table, next to a potted plant. “Uhm.. You can call me TablePaint Pot!” I try for a convincing smile, absolutely proud of my OC name.

        “No it’s not” he states, eyes now scarier more dangerous than ever.

        “Uhhhh…” I say again trying to stall for time.

        “It’s okay if you don’t wanna tell me. I won’t need it for what I’m about to do anyways.”

Okay, that sends his creepy off the charts. Fuck this guy, I wanna survive tonight without any potentially traumatizing experiences. I try to slam the door in the creeps face, but I find that the door won’t move. Further inspection shows me that I am unable to move at the moment. I tried anything and everything, from jumping, to rolling up into the fetal position, to jumping ‘Flash Vector’ and knocking him out.  I could, however, still move my eyes and mouth. My body just didn’t want to move, like my nerve signals weren’t travelling past my neck.

        “Have you ever wanted to go to Equestria?” He asks out of the blue, catching me off guard.

        “Uh, wuh? I mean, yeah, who hasn’t? It’s a freaking utopia.”

        I gave up on trying to move and resorted to trying to stall for whatever precious moments remained of my life before Johnny here dumped me into a river or something.

        “Well,” He smirks “have I got a deal for you.”

        It was at this point that I wondered if Equestria has been some kind of a euphemism for sex and that maybe I should just give up and let him kill me so I would stop hoping for that slim, microscopic hope that this man would simply leave and I would be able to go on my life as usual. Then I realized just how good oxygen smelled and decided to humor him.

“Yeah? What’s that?” I say, hoping my extended silence could pass as me thinking about his offer.

“I can send you there, for a liiiittle, teeeensyy weeensyy price” Holy fuck I think Equestria may as well imply… that. I’m not gonna live am I?

“Depends on the price,” I shrug, but my shoulders don’t move. I settle for a nonchalant look on my face.

“You get to do whatever you want”

That set off any remaining alarm bells in my mind, but then again, there wasn’t anything I could actually do about it.

“Huh. Not bad. What exactly is this ‘Equestria” now?”

He looks surprised. “Why, I thought you were a brony! You don’t know what Equestria is? That famous land of magical ponies we just were talking about? Don’t you mean where?”

Alright maybe I was wrong, I sigh with relief, though I don’t get what this guy is going for. Might as well humor him.

“Sorry, I meant where is Equestria?”

“Are you sure you want to go?”

        “Well, yeah.”

“Great! Now, what do you want to be when you get there?”

… What?

“I dunno, a pony or something”

‘Flash’ sighs dramatically. “So unoriginal! You want to be a pony in a land full of ponies?”

“Well, yeah. I kinda wanna blend in. Human would be fine too, I suppose.”

“I know! I can turn you into a kirin! That looks like a pony! Happy?”

“Sure,” I say, sensing the conversation drawing to a close.

“Excellent. Now, to seal the contract. Take my hand and say you agree to the terms.” His voice suddenly shifts to a formal tone and he hold out his hand for me to shake.

Finding that I can now move my hand, but nothing else, I do what I think will finally put an end to the painful exchange.

“Right. I- uh- agree to the terms of this agreement.”

My hand meets his, and he gives me a rough but firm handshake. Before I can pull away, he pulls me in and grabs my arm then promptly flips me over his shoulder with a solid whump! I lay dazed behind him, and he walks around to my head.

“Have some time. You’ll need it. You’ve wasted so much of mine already.” He says, before adding, “You better be worth it.” He then delivers a kick to my head that somehow sends the rest of my body flying along. The last thing I see is ‘John’ stepping into my room as his face morphs into mine.