I Am The Tantibus

Dear Tia,

I am sorry sister that I have failed my royal duties. I am sorry that I could never be loved by you or the citizens of equestria. Please don’t blame yourself for you are not the cause. These are my own burdens to bare and I am sorry that it has come to this. I know that I am a danger to all of Equestria. I know that everypony is afraid of me. These tears I shed are because I am afraid of the pain but relieved that it will be quick. I have always loved everypony and always will. Don’t remember me like this Tia. Remember as I was when we were foals. Remember the laughter and the smiles we shared. Remember me for the loving person I am. I am sorry that I have let everypony down and that is something that will haunt me forever even when I am gone. I fought as long and as hard as I could but the demons inside me have won. I love you Tia. I love you with all my heart. Please don’t cry. I will always be with you in your heart. Goodbye sister of mine. I am going to join mother and father where we will wait for you to join us some day.

Love,

LuLu

As I finished writing this for Tia, I shed a few more tears and put it inside an envelope. I close it and write “To my loving sister Tia” on it. I know she will be going to sleep in a few hours. I need to make this the best last few hours we have. My legs shake as I walk down the hall to her room. I lift a hoof to knock on her door. Before I do, I take a moment to collect myself. Remember, we are doing this as one last final good memory for Tia. I knock and wait. She opens the door and greets me with a delighted but worried smile.
“ Luna are you alright?”. I put a smile on my face.
“Of course sister! I have never been better. Will you join me for some dinner and an evening of sisterly bonding?” Tia looks at me suspiciously.

I do my best to keep my composure.

“Are you sure you are alright? You are acting kind of strange Luna. You can’t lie to me, I am your sister I know you better than you think.”

“I promise you that I am, Tia. Cross my heart and hope to die.” I reassured her. Maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words.

“Love you Tia please join me for dinner before it gets cold.” She nods her head and follows me to the dining hall. As soon as we come in the door there are two guards to my left.

“Luna please take a seat and I will join you in a moment. I need to talk to the guards really quick and then we can enjoy our evening,” She smiles at me. I sit down at the long table tapping my hoofs together thinking about how this is the last meal I will eat and the last time I will see Tia’s face. I just want to make her smile one last time. I give anything to see her smile. Tia comes to the end of the table I am at and sits down next to me.

“Luna please tell me what’s wrong? I love you and only want the best for you.” She pats my head gently with her hoof. I won’t tell her. I don’t want her to worry. I am just gonna do it and leave her the letter like planned. I sit in silence while I collect my thoughts.

“Lulu please!” She urges me.

“I promise that I am fine I just want to spend some time with you doing some of the things we loved doing as foals. Can you please do that for me? Can we please just have an awesome night together? I want nothing more than to just spend time with my older sister.”

“ Ok Luna I trust you that nothing is wrong. If you seriously want to just spend some time together of course we can. I am not going to lie, I have missed spending time with you. I am just so busy lately.”

“Can we watch some scary movies and play some board games tonight just like old times?”

“Of course we can Lulu.” She smiles sweetly at me. I look over to where the guards stood just a few minutes ago and realize they are gone now.

“Where did the guards go?” I do my best to hide that I am nervous.

“I asked them to go get me something from in town they will be back in an hour or two. Plus we have plenty of other guards here so no need to worry.”

I laugh and nod my head nervously, but I don’t think she realizes. I asked the chef to prepare our favorite meal from when we were Foals. We always used to have our mother's famous broccoli cheese casserole. I love the rice and cheese all layered together with the broccoli. I thought it would be perfect to eat since I will be joining my parents in a few hours. The servers finally come in with our dishes after Tia and I have been chatting for what feels like forever. It's the same old boring conversation about how hard it is to run a kingdom. But tonight is different. I will not fight with her. I nodded and agreed with everything she says.

Remember we are giving her one last good memory of us. Tia looks at her plate in shock and her eyes well up with tears.

“You had them cook our favorite dish...This is mom’s Broccoli cheese casserole.” I can tell she is holding back tears. She’s happy. I smile.

“I wanted tonight to be one to remember. A night full of memories.”

“This is so unexpected but absolutely wonderful LuLu.” We made small talk as we ate this delicious past time favorite of our’s. I wonder if this will be one of the happy moments she looks back on. I wonder, will she look back on memories of me at all? Or will I just fade into the background and be forgotten. This is the first time Tia has even acknowledged me in months. Please don’t let tonight end like every other where she makes an excuse as to why we can’t hang out after dinner. PLEASE! I need this to be a peaceful goodbye. One last memory before I start a new adventure out of this world.

We just finished dinner and now I am praying that there won’t be an excuse. Tia looks at me.

“ What movie do you want to watch? I am thinking a classic like Vamponiea or Night of the undead Ponies 2. If I remember correctly they are both your personal favorites, right?”

“Yeah! I didn’t think you would remember that.” I’m shocked. I thought for sure she would make some kind of excuse.

“I remember all sorts of things about you Luna. Just because I don’t show it all the time doesn’t mean I don’t know my own sister.” She smiles with a sense of pride.

“Vamponiea would be awesome if you're ok with that.” She nods her head toward the door. I follow her down the hall into the theater room. She has one of the servants get the movie set up and asks one of the kitchen staff to get us some popcorn. I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with sadness. A tear runs down my cheek.

“Luna please tell me what’s wrong. You are clearly upset. Why are you crying?” She is concerned. I am gonna miss things like this. If only this happened more often, then tonight's outcome would have never been decided.

“ I am just really happy that we are doing this.” I wipe the tear from my cheek and smile at her. She looks at me suspiciously.

“Me too.” She grins and gets comfortable in her seat.

We both settle into our seats as the attendant brings us our popcorn and drinks. The lights dim and the movie starts. This will be the last time I get to watch this film. The last time I taste popcorn and the last time I will ever sit next to Tia. I’m gonna miss you Tia. I wish every night would have been like this. I wish you wouldn’t have grown so distant and cold. After mom passed away you became so cold towards me. You kept yourself locked in your room for weeks. You refused to come out. Why Tia? Why did you make me go through that alone. I just wanted nights like this where we forget about the world. Where we laugh so hard that we can’t breath and spend time together just like when we were foals. Goodbye Tia I tried to hold on but I can’t anymore. This is my last night here and you don’t even know. Morning will approach and you will awake to find my letter. I don’t know if you will shed tears but I hope you do. But I hope the pain won’t last long. Remember me not for my demons but for the young spirit I once was.

As the movie was approaching the end I knew our time together was coming to an end . I feel so numb at this point that I am having an easier time keeping a straight face. I can see Tia yawning and I know she will probably go to bed after this movie. I hope she sleeps comfortably. The credits start to roll and I know it's time. Tia yawns again and turns to me.

“ Which board game do you feel like playing. I think we still have Settlers of Equestria which is your favorite.” She smiles at me. I stare at her confused. Isn’t she tired? Why is she doing this? It makes this so much harder to want to say goodbye. Why couldn’t she have done this sooner. Now I am conflicted. But I know this is temporary. She won’t keep this up. The only way to get rid of this pain is to end it. I will stick to the plan.

One last great night with Tia just like when we were foals and then it’s time to start my new adventure.

“Hello? Equestria to Luna?” She giggles at me as she waves a hoof trying to get my attention. “Yeah that would be awesome.” I choke back my tears but did a poor job of hiding it.

“ Luna you're starting to worry me. You have been acting strange all night. Please tell me what’s going on!” She raises an eyebrow looking at me with concern.

“I have just really missed this is all.”I do my best to keep a straight face.

“ Awww its ok Lulu, I have too. If I wasn’t so busy we could do this more often.” She hugs me tight.

“I know Tia it’s not your fault that you're busy.” I put my front legs around her almost not wanting to let go.

“Shall we play? You can even be the purple pieces this time if you want.” She lets go and points toward the door. We head down to her room to set up the game.

“Thank you for tonight Tia. It means alot to me.” With a weak tone to my voice. She smiles.

We played for a little over an hour and I won twice and Tia did once. We had fun playfully bickering back and forth, as one of us would cut off the other pony’s road they just built. Each time we played my tactic was always to go for the longest road and largest army cards which was one point each. You need twelve points to win the game and each town is one point. Each city is worth two points. We laughed and enjoyed the game. Which I am glad we did. This is exactly the memories I wanted to create with her tonight. I am glad she is smiling. I am glad she is enjoying herself.

“ I had fun tonight Luna. Do you want to do it again tomorrow?” With a cheerful smile on her face.

“ I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” A lump forms in the back of my throat as the words leave my mouth. She smiles. “Goodnight Luna,” her voice says softly. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

Her door closes and I realized what I just said to her. But I would miss it. I wouldn’t be there for her to hangout with. I am sorry Tia. I’m so sorry. I walk along toward my room staring at the ground. Two guards rush past me toward Tia’s room. I push open the door to my room and grab the bottle of pain pills off the dresser. I plop down onto my bed and lay there with the bottle in my hoof. This is it. This is how it ends. I look around for the letter and realize it’s not where I thought I left it. Maybe I had already placed it in Tia’s bathroom like I had planned to do. If so then everything is set. Goodbye Tia.

Just as I take off the cap to the bottle the door burst open.

“Stop Her!!!” Six guards come pouring into my room. I try to raise the bottle to my mouth before they can grab me but I am stopped by the yellow glow of magic forcing me to drop the bottle and restraining me to my bed. I knew who it was. Tia walks into the room tears streaming down her face.

“Out!” She glares at the guards for a moment.

“You will not do this! Why Luna, Why!” She stomps her hoof angrily into the ground.

“Why would you do this to me!? Do you know how much pain it would cause me!? I love you Luna more than you obviously know! Don’t you love me?” Tears flowing down her face as her voice shakes in anger.

“How did you find out? I thought I put the letter in your bathroom.” My eyes well up with tears and they start to stream down my cheeks.

“No you didn’t! With all that strange behavior of your's, I sent those two guards from the dining hall to search your room. You refused to tell me what was wrong and I needed to know you were going to be ok! I started to believe you Luna. I thought you were overcome with emotion because we were enjoying things we haven’t done in a long time. But all along it was because you were going to kill yourself! Answer my questions Luna! Now!” Her anger grows the longer I take to respond.

“I just……. didn’t think you actually cared about me. But then I was conflicted because of tonight. I wasn’t expecting you to respond the way you did. I wasn’t expecting you to want to hang out with me. I thought you would blow me off like every other night. Then I started to think that this was a one time thing it will never happen again. Of course I love you Tia it’s why I am hurting so bad!” I manage to get out while sobbing.

“Blow You OFF!? I have been busy running this kingdom! Maybe you don’t understand what that's like, but it’s mentally and physically draining! I am doing my best luna but I am only one pony. You know how many nights I almost killed myself after mom and dad died? But guess what kept me from doing it? It’s was you Luna! I couldn’t do that to you! Not after the loss that we both suffered. I knew you needed me! I couldn’t put you through that pain! So why would you do it to me Luna? Hmmm? Help me understand because I don’t get it one little bit!” I can see the fiery in her eyes. She is enraged by my answer. I need to get away from her. I struggle trying to get out of her spell that she’s holding me in.

“Luna!!! Answer me! I will not let you go! You can not be trusted anymore!” Her voice quakes in fear.

It feels as if the walls are closing in on me. My heart is racing and my breathing is rapid. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have got to get out of here. I need to break free from Tia. I hope this doesn’t hurt her too bad. I am just feeling trapped. My horn begins to glow and a burst of cobalt blue magic hits Tia and knocks her to the floor, releasing me from her spell.

“I’m sorry Tia but I must leave. I can’t be here right now.” I run out of the room not sure of where I am going but knowing anywhere is better than here.

“Guards!!! Capture Princess Luna and bring her to me!” Her voice echos through the halls. I pick up my pace into a full sprint and take my next immediate left, then a right and another left to try and throw the guards off my trail. I slip into a closet on my left before the guards come around the corner. The guards charge past the closet down the hallway searching for me. I probably don’t have long before they find me but at least I can think now.

I should have known that Tia would have them search my room. I should have hidden the letter better. I don’t think Tia will ever be able to understand. I get treated like a filly around here and I am the furthest thing from that. She ignores me and argues with me. I just want to be her equal. But she treats me like she is my mother. She is not my mother nor will she ever be! I just want an equal amount of responsibility. Forget it I just want to die! I just want to die so bad! Tia will never change! I mean just look at the conversation we just had. It was all about how she felt. What I was doing to her. She also just had to throw in my face about how stressful running a kingdom is. Maybe if she would let me help she wouldn’t be so stressed.

The only thing I get to do is raise and lower the moon. I am not involved with any of the decision making for the kingdom. If danger is coming, my opinion or ideas are never heard. If citizens need help, I am never asked to join and hear their concerns. No one knows me. They most of the time forget I am a princess. I am a worthless nobody and even my own sister thinks so. Just please let me die! I don’t belong here. I just want to die and leave this world. I am just a pony trapped by the world that surrounds her. What’s the point of being a princess if your title means nothing. If you have no responsibilities or obligations.

A mere thirty minutes feels like eternity, as I count every second I spend in my tiny box of relief. *knock knock* Why is someone knocking on the door? It’s a closet wouldn’t they just come in? *Knock Knock Knock* Well I will just sit here quietly and maybe whoever it is will go away.“Luna? Can I please come in?” Is that Starswirl the Bearded? Why is he here?
“Luna I know you’re in there I can see you through the door. So hiding behind your hooves waiting for me to leave isn’t going to work.” Dang him and his advanced magical abilities. Maybe if I scooch behind the box on the ground.
“Ummm Luna it's called x ray vision I can see you through the boxes too.” I narrow my eyes and slowly crouch behind the box.
“Luna…ok seriously not opening the door is just a courtesy to you at this point…” I trot over to the door and stand there, before sticking my tongue out at him. I open the door and we both start to laugh a little.

He wraps his front legs around me in a concerned hug. He pats me on the head and lets go.

“Now tell me what’s going on Luna? Celestia tells me you wrote a suicide letter and tried to kill yourself?” I can see he is concerned. But at least he is calm and not screaming like Tia.

“Did Tia put you up to this? I told her I needed to be alone.” I cross my front legs and give kind of a pouty face. He smiles.

“Luna, she didn’t put me up to anything. As soon as you ran off she came and found me. She was an absolute mess and worried sick. I let her vent while we stayed in her room. She was scared of you being alone and I can’t really blame her for that. So while we talked, I used a spell to keep tabs on you so she knew you were safe. There's one thing I knew for sure that she was not in a calm enough mindset to talk to you. Your sister is going to be furious with me when she wakes up but I did it for you.” He smiles and pats me on the head again.

“Did you use a sleeping spell on Tia? Why would you do that for me? I don’t understand. You are her best friend Starswirl.” I look down at my hooves feeling responsible for his actions. “Yes I did, but it was for her own good too. She has been so exhausted lately and I knew if she found you tonight, no good would come from it. You don’t need to be yelled at right now. You need someone to listen and be there for you. I may be her best friend but you’re my friend too Luna. I care about you just as much as I care for Celestia. I am here and I want to understand what you’re feeling.”

I try to stop the tears forming in my eyes but it’s no use. I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. He reaches out and puts his front legs around me, letting me cry into his shoulder. This is the hardest I have sobbed in ages. It feels good just letting it out but it also hurts so bad. “It’s ok Luna, just let it all out. I am sure you have needed to cry for a long time. It hasn’t been easy for you and I know that.” He rubs my back gently.

“I just …… want Tia to treat me like her sister. I want to be her equal. She complains about how tiring running the kingdom is but won’t give me half the responsibility. Why am I a princess if I have no part in ruling this kingdom? My own citizens of this land don’t even remember I am a princess most of the time.” I sit up out of his comforting embrace and collect my thoughts. He pushes my chin up gently with his hoof so that I look at him. “Do you want to keep sitting here in the closet or would you rather we get out of the castle for a bit? I mean if you like being in the closet, that’s fine but I thought I would offer to take you to one of my favorite spots to hide from Celestia.” He smiles. I nod and get up off the floor. A golden glow surrounds his horn and engulfs both of us completly. We appear on the mountain top above Canterlot, gazing out on all of Equestria.

“I can teach you the spell as long as you promise to never bring Celestia here.” He smiles at me.

“Thank you Starswirl, this means a lot to me.” We sit there in silence for a few moments just enjoying the fresh air.