I Am The Tantibus

I can hear distorted talking around me as if I was diving into an endless pool, never to resurface. I open my eyes and blink a few time to get rid of the blurriness. Bright lights beam down from the ceiling and sting my eyes. Am I in the medical wing of the castle? I had never been here before. Who would have heard of an Alicorn needing to visit the medical wing? I see a doctor look up from the clipboard he is writing on. The colt smiles at me.

“I am glad to see you are finally awake princess!” I try to sit up, but my chest is still too sore.

“What happened?” I look around still not entirely sure where I am. My last memories were of the kitchen and talking with a staff member before everything goes dark.

“You...had a panic attack.” He says hesitantly.

“Panic attack?!” I look at him wide eyed and concerned. I thought that was something that happens to ponies that are crazy. Am I crazy? My chest starts to feel a bit heavy.

“Don’t worry princess it’s nothing to fret over. Lots of ponies experience panic attacks throughout their lives. Yours was more severe but I can’t blame you with everything you have been dealing with.” He pauses for a moment. I still stare at him in shock. Why is this happening to me?!

“We need to keep you here for a few days for your own safety. Your sister told us about your suicidal outburst. We need to evaluate your mental state, so we can help you. We just want what’s best for you Luna. You're dealing with a lot of mental stress.” His tone is soft and gentle. I can tell he is trying not to upset me and “break the news to me easily” but, how is anypony not going to panic over this. Maybe I actually am ill, and this is just the beginning. As if I had enough reasons to be shunned. Luna: the first crazy alicorn. I suppose there will be a book about me. Hysteria starts to fill my face.

“Luna it’s okay. You won’t have to stay for longer than a few days if you cooperate and work with us. I know this is overwhelming and scary but I promise you that it’s going to be alright.” I just can’t think straight. My thought process has been derailed and I can’t even form sentences. My mind is all over the place. I’m trapped in a place with no escape. They don’t know me, how could they possibly understand what happened? Why even bother explaining it if they’re just going to strap on a straight-jacket and be done with it?
I don’t want to be stuck here for a few days! I want to go back to my room. I want to be alone. There is no getting better. They can’t help me! I am the world’s punching bag! I calm myself and put on my mask.

“I wish to go back to my room. Is there a way I can just receive treatment there?” My voice shakes a little from the anxiety. I feel as if the room is getting smaller by the minute. These white walls were a tomb.

“Luna you need to stay here in the medical wing. I know this seems terrifying but I promise you that everything is going to be okay. Is there anything we can do to make you more comfortable during your stay?” His eyes are soft and inviting as he reassures me. I feel my heart rapidly beating, as if it’s trying to burst right out of my chest. My hooves shake a little. How long am I going to be stuck here? They say a few days but I feel like they are never going to let me leave if I tell them the truth! He said something about a mental evaluation. If I lie to them I might be able to get out of here faster. No one can know the truth about my thoughts. Sometimes they even scare me.

“Luna? Did you hear me?” He looks at me concern. I realize at this point that I'm taking too long to answer. I will do there little test. It’s all going to be fine. I am going to get out of here.

“I’m sorry, I did hear you I just got lost in my thoughts. Thank you for offering but at the moment I am fine. Do you know exactly how long I will have to stay for?” I am hoping that I will only be here for two or three days. I really just want to go back to my room and be left alone. I don’t want anyone thinking of me as the crazy alicorn princess. I would rather everyone have no idea who I am.

“I’m sorry princess but I don’t have an exact answer to that. It all depends on how you are doing over the next few days.” My heart sinks. If they find even the slightest hint that something is wrong, they could keep me here as long as they wanted and I would have no say. Please let me be normal…just for a few days. Please!

“I understand.” My voice tapers off as I say the last word. I try to hold back my tears but I am unable to keep them from streaming down my cheeks. Wonderful, I can’t even control my own emotions anymore. So much for hiding them and being normal. Hello crazy alicorn train. I am destined to live alone and this pretty much just sealed the deal. There is no coming back from crazy.

A nurse comes in and whispers something to the doctor. He nods his head and the mare leaves the room.

“Luna you have a few visitors here to see you. If you would like, I can tell them to visit another time.” I nod slowly, still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of being a circus performance for all to gawk at.
The nurse comes back into the room. I can hear the sounds of more sets of hooves following her. I see tip of a long flowing mane come through the door. It was green, pink and blue; Tia. She rushes over to the side of the bed. Starswirl emerged into the room with a worried look on his face.

“Luna I was so worried about you! I thought I had lost you!” Tia wraps her forelegs around me and lets out a few tears.

“You were worried?” Confusion starts to cloud my mind. How could she ever worry about me, I am worthless.

“Luna of course I was, why wouldn’t I be!” She squeezes me tighter. My gaze shifts back to Starswirl. Why is he here? I thought he hated me. I just stare at him so confused.

“Why are you here?!” Tears start streaming down my face. Everything is starting to come back to me now. I feel so worthless. He came to my rescue just to appease Tia. He wasn’t here because he wanted to be but because he had to be for her!

“Luna… I…” I glare at him with anger so furious that I could probably start a fire with my mind.

“No! I don’t need a pitiful explanation about how you feel bad for the only crazy alicorn princess!! I don’t need your pity and it’s not wanted!” My voice slowly tapers off from my screaming tone.

“Luna it’s not like that! I care about you as my friend!” He raises his voice a little to get my attention.

“Right! Your friend.” I glare at him with same sarcasm that was in my tone.

“Luna you are my friend. I was upset before but that didn’t mean that we were never going to talk again. Plus Celestia told me the truth once she calmed down. I forgive you both. I love you Luna as if you were my own little sister” I can tell he is on the brink of tears. Did Tia actually tell him the truth? But why would she? I thought she didn’t care if I suffered.

“You did?” A tear starts to well up in my eye.

“Yes Luna. I felt awful for how I treated you and Starswirl has a point. I wasn’t treating you fairly and I’m so sorry. I understand that I need to work on myself to have a better relationship with you Luna. You're my only sister and I would do anything for you.”

“How can I trust you're telling me the truth? How do I know that you're not just saying this because Starswirl is here?” I shove her away as a feeling of betrayal sets in. Tears slipping out from under my hooves which now cover my face.

“Because I love you Luna. I have no reason to lie to you! All I have ever wanted was for us to get along like we use too.” Her face still in a bit of shock that I pushed her away.

“I don’t know Tia, why do you lie to me? You never include me in running this kingdom or anything that you do. When I ask why, you straight up lie to me every time! Give me a reason to trust you!!!” It’s getting hard to breath and I can’t seem to stop the anger coursing through me. Tia face goes from being offend too concerned. She must notice me breathing heavily.

“Luna are you okay?” She says as she moves closer. An orangish golden glow forms around her as begins to slide backwards away from me.

“Celestia you need to back off. This is stressing her out. She will be fine but I think its best we leave and give her some space.” Starswirl smiles at me and as he walks over to Tia and nudges her toward the door.

“I’m sorry Luna…. I will try to earn your trust back. I never meant to hurt.” Tears run down her cheek as she starts to walk toward the door with starswirl. As she reaches the door she looks back at me with tear in her eyes.

“I love you Luna.” Her voice shakes as she continues out the door.

I lay on my side facing the wall. I focus on calming down my breathing. I try to let my mind go blank and forget about what just happened. By tomorrow morning I will be the talk of the town anyway. Everyone will know I am Luna, the crazy alicorn princess, and this will become my new home for the rest of my miserable existence. It’s better this way. Everypony can live peacefully and not have to worry about crossing the street to get away from me. They won’t have to awkwardly pretend to investigate a flower pot to avoid eye-contact. They can rest easy knowing that I am locked up here. I really am as worthless as I feel. I have nothing to offer this kingdom and no purpose in this life I was given. I am wasted space for better talent. I know that I was granted my alicorn powers because of my talents but it has gotten me nowhere. Maybe it happened by mistake and I was never meant to be an alicorn princess. Sometimes I wonder why I was born if this is the meaning of my existence: to live in agony. The pain that can never be soothed. Why...why do I continue on every day? Why do I bare this pain? I need to get out of this hospital and finish the plan I started. This pain ends tonight! Not one more day of this!!!

I start to pull up the medical tape that is keeping my IV in….

“Princess Luna STOP!!!” A guard runs into the room and starts to restrain my right hoof. I try to fight him off but I am too weak. I grab the IV tubing with my mouth and tug with all my might. The needle rips out of my foreleg and immediately starts drizzling blood.

“I need a nurse in here! The princess has pulled her IV out and trying to escape!” As his head is turned away from me facing the door, I start to charge my horn up using a push back spell. As I cast the spell It hit’s the guard and pushes him back ward onto the floor. I stumble to my feet and bolt to the door. My heart is racing and the thoughts won’t stop. I am such a horrible sister. A tear streams down my cheek as I remember all the good times with Tia. Like the time she baby sat me and we spent all night watching movies and playing hide and seek in the forest near the castle. I wish I could feel at kind of joy now.

A nurse turns and sees me standing in the doorway. She stares at me in horror for a second. I bolt down the hall to my right and start to realize how sore my leg is. I can feel a trickle of blood flowing down my leg consistently. As odd as it sounds the pain was almost relieving to feel. I glance behind me and see three doctors and two nurses chasing after me. I have pushed my leg as far as it will care me. I start to fly to take the weight off of it. Blood drips to the floor as I soar down the hall. I look to my left into one of rooms I am passing. I see a soldier all bandaged up from head to toe. His eyes look shocked as he sees me. I see him try to get up. I motion for him to stay put. What am I doing? Why am I running? My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest as it starts to become harder to breath. The hallway becomes a blur as tears consume my eyes. I crash into the ground as I panic. I don’t even bother to get up. I just lay there. I give up…this is my life now. I can’t seem to do anything without one of these panic attacks spiking up out of nowhere.

Three doctors rush up to my side and use magic to carry me back to my room. I whisper

“I’m… sorry” as the guilt starts to sink in. There will be no ending this pain. I am meant to suffer with it for the rest of eternity. They bandage up my leg and bind my limbs to the bed with the restraints. There’s no point in fighting them. Starswirl rushes into the room out of breath and wide eyed. He looks at me laying here in defeat. He clears his throat

“Luna… this has to stop. You need help to deal with all that you have been through. Please…” A tear rolls down his cheek as his voice breaks a little.

“... just stay here.” His horn glows for a moment and a ball of magic hits me. It doesn’t hurt but it is warm and tingly as it passes through my body.

“I am disabling your horn until you are release from the medical wing. I am not doing this to hurt you Luna… I’m doing it because I love you. You and your sister are the closest thing I have left to family.” His voice trails off. I have never seen him cry like this before. He’s right, I do need to stop. I am hurting everyone else. That's all I ever do. I hurt everyone around me.

“I’m sorry Starswirl… you’re right.”

“Thank you” His tone is soft and light as his voice cracks a little.
His face shines in the light from the wetness on his cheeks. He gives me a small smile and leaves. If I have to hurt like this for an eternity, I would rather that then those around me to suffer. This is my burden to carry and mine alone. No one else needs to live with this pain. I close my eyes and rest.

“Princess?” I feel a hoof on my shoulder shaking me gently.
I open my eyes and see the same doctor from earlier who diagnosed me.

“I’m sorry to bother you but we are going to have you do your first therapy session now. Your therapist will be in shortly to meet with you and go over everything.” I blink my eyes trying to get the tiredness to wear off.

“Thank you doctor.”
No reason to not comply. After my little outburst earlier I am not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I give in to my fate. I don’t know why I am messed up in the head but, I don’t have to let others suffer from the demons with inside of me. I am the nightmare of the awakened world. I am the Tantibus! I remember when I first became an alicorn. Tia told me the story of the Tantibus. It’s an evil force that brings nightmares to torment the dreamer. Usually the dreamer wakes up panicked and filled with terror. I am sorry Tia and starswirl. I know that I am your Tantibus.