Adventures Of Fedora Man: The Kawaii Desu Story

“Good, good... Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you.”

Mahatma Gandhi

To say Fedora Man was obese was an understatement. He was fat, grotesquely blob-like fat. Jabba the Pizza hut-fat… A fatty fat fat. So fat that I couldn’t sugarcoat it, because he would eat that, too. You get the idea? Good.

This regal entity my dear readers, is most obviously our “hero”.

Anyways, come one fine morning, the bloated one groaned, removing his sheets before he breathed in the tainted swass of the room, his man funk predominant as ever. Like a bug on its back, his freedom came with a great struggle, it was only with some wiggling back and forth that he gained enough momentum to roll off the heaving bed. Several almost heart attacks later, he was on his feet, at last.

Breathing heavily, he wiped the sweat from his forehead only to find a lone chicken wing in his receding hair line. This left him with only one recourse of action. That was, of course, to stuff it in his mouth, chomping, and swallowing it as a whole. Now, one might find it hard to believe, but Fedora Man had horrible luck with the ladies. Yet, this majestic yacht of man ‘knew’ the truth, in that girls only fall in love with jerks, which was something he could never be. After all, what other explanation could there be for one who had such strong moral integrity?

Most of all though, he simply couldn’t bring himself to abandon his one true love, his waifu, which still rested on his bed, no matter how fake it was. It… or rather she was a side-sleeping pillow with a colourful print of Twilight Sparkle, though he would need to give it a fresh dose of lavender perfume… Either way, that could come later.

Now ready, he embarked on his daily exodus from his lair, with a lumbering gait, each step made nearby objects shake as he made his way up the stairs, pillow in tow. When he at last opened the door at the top, sunlight graced his ‘handsome’ features on his hunt for nourishment...

Hissing in mild discomfort, he at least knew he looked truly magnificent. Skin as white as snow, even his acne added to his regal presence, appearing more as freckles, or even a beauty mark if you will.

For a moment he hesitated.

He was not ready yet, for he could seek food and wash his false waifu later, no there was something else far more important that called him. He had to scratch an urge of a different kind first. A man had his priorities, after all. Knowing his goal to be a noble one, he returned to the basement, basking in the familiar darkness as it reigned supreme over the fading light and the sound of the door closing.

Now once again in his habitat, he passed a sideboard with an assortment of “action figures”, meaning “My Little Pony” merchandise, and stopped in his tracks. Time for the daily ritual. A smile gracing his face, his greasy fingers “delicately” grabbed a Twilight Sparkle plush toy. But it was not just any toy. No, this one Fedora Man had prepared with a special “device” in the “lower back” area. A device one might know as fleshlight, or better yet, his very own sparkle hole. A genius concept, he complimented himself. Surely this was better than the real thing! Although he had no clue what the real thing was like, being that he was not a jerk...

His hands began shaking with anticipation as he undid his belt, his trousers now sliding down his legs. He hadn’t seen his “little pony” for years, but still it was hidden somewhere under this immense mass of flesh and fat, that was his belly. In no time at all, or rather half a minute later an unreal smile graced his lips. His little pony stood at the ready, but before he could begin, he turned his twifu around so she no longer could see the breathtakingly hot scene that was about to unfold.

Cheating on her was an act vile enough, but making her watch was just plain evil. He couldn’t allow her to be tainted by his demonic, no, beastly needs. But now was no time for talk, no, her hearth’s warming would cum early this day. Reluctantly, he also laid down his pillow, but allowed it to peak over the bedding. It was not cheating after all, if it was a mirror pool clone!

In and out. In and out. So naughty... that clone was still watching him. Did she have no shame, or did it too share Twilight’s love of taking notes? He hoped so, as he continued to groan lustfully. Almost there... In and....

“Oh my god, Martin! Not again!” came a very feminine and familiar, yet distraught voice from the stairs.

Slowly, the 600 pound colossus turned his head. “MUM, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, I WAS PLAYING MY LITTLE POKEY, FRIENDSHIP WITH BENEFITS!”

His mum, ehhh, or his roommate rather, was very disappointed it semened. Oh, not this again...

On several occasions he had seen this look on her face, but he couldn’t quite decipher it as whole. Sure, she was disappointed, but there was always something else that lingered as well. Deep down, was it silent admiration for forging his own unique path down the road of life?

Still, the most recent example came to his mind, or yesterday if you must know. Which was when he had "accidently" fallen on a Buzz Lightyear toy, which in turn somehow ended getting stuck in his ass, and as a result his ever loving roommate had to drive him to the hospital.

Huh, stranger things had happened in his opinion, yet his roommate saw fit to defile Buzz Lightyear further by creating obscenities like...

“I don’t think Buzz meant rectal cavities when he said ‘To infinity... and beyond!’”

“I don’t care what he said in the movies, there was no way he crash landed there by mistake!”

“You can’t say you were roleplaying as woodie, you’re not a cowboy, and I am anything but proud of you!”

Bzzzzt, “Buzz Lightyear to mission log: All signs point to my failure of a son, aside from myself, there seems to be no signs of intelligent life anywhere nearby…”

“Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught you that life's only worth living if you're violating it. And here I traveled all this way to the doctors, to have them rescue that toy because I believed he at least retained some measure of worth!”

Then to top it all off, she added…

“39 years… and this… is what I have to show for it?! They told me there was a feeling of accomplishment in having kids… They fucking lied to me!”

Upon ending his reflections, Fedora Man found that his roommate was yet again berating him for things far beyond her level of comprehension.

“Stop watching your fucking cartoons and do something productive for a change, you’re a disgrace,” she took a deep breath, “Get a job, find a wife… or at least take a shower, you troglodyte!” she added before climbing the last few steps.

“Buuut Muuuuuum,” the 39-years-old man shouted, “This is not a cartoon. It’s anime. It’s superior.” If one had excellent hearing, you could hear Fedora Man mumble “Baka Gaijin” under his breath as his roommate shook her head in what was obviously shame for making such a grievous error. This kind of thing was why Seppuku was invented in the first place.

Still, she was his mom, and he would accept her, flaws and all. As a result, he would leave nopony left behind… Especially not his twifu that had taken refuge under the covers. Content in the knowledge that his roommate had left the room, he helped his friend and her clone escape their quilted confines.

Still, within a few minutes he was ready to at last help cleanse Twilight of his most ‘recent’ friendship lessons. With grim resolve, he was ready, now donning his trademark fedora, he would fight injustice and ignorance for yet another day. If one was carefully watching, they could see his features sharpen, his eyes gained an almost predatory look, and most of all, his hair appeared to spike up. It was as if this wasn’t even his final form.

Yet, even the great had things they must fear. Our hero though? His was that of the Sun’s ever piercing glare from the land above. So in turn, he decided to follow his life’s calling. He had given up common, mindless work to fight for a more just cause. He was an interwe(e)b warrior and the keyboard was his weapon to bring forth a righteous world.

Truly, the Neets were the chosen ones of this generation. They would be the ones to bring balance to this farce, as they beared its weight upon their back, much like noble Atlas. A choice they were not given, but one they too would bear proudly.

Grabbing a nearby bag of gummy bears, he grabbed a generous portion, and continued the never ending genocide. I wonder, did he at least wash his hands?...

In his mind, a perfect world, it would be one where no one was shamed for vanquishing a “properly”-sized meal. A world where 2D was recognised as superior to 3D. Where he could finally marry not only his waifu, but her friends as well! All, without facing the failures of society who couldn’t accept such a holy union, one must respect Equestria’s gender ratio after all. A world where all body shapes were desirable...

And finally, a world where nice guys scored first!

Huh, looks like he choked on that last handful of gummy bears and died.

Welp, you know the drill, ‘this was only the start of a great adventure…’

What!? It wasn't that cheesy. Stop looking at me like that, it was at least somewhat original?

Oh, sure you think that could have been more heroic, well what burning building did you expect this lard of a man to break into? Some rape victim to save, some car/lightning/plot device to get hit by? Seppuku? I mean c’mon, we both know this honky ain’t no white knight. Shit be cracka lackin yo!

Now, aren’t you glad we had this talk? Now, we can focus on the many derogatory terms for our friendly neighborhood crackers. I mean that's socially acceptable right, judging... oh wait, I’m whit… err afro american yeah, that shit be fine, yo!

Seriously though, we’re all just children with ancestors that spent differentiating times in the sun. So, off the flamebaiting, let's face facts, who does heroic shit like that and ends up in creepy horse land? Fruit loops, that's who.

Ok, I obviously can’t stop, but c’mon mang, I don’t really mean anything truly homophobic about that. I just use fruity words to describe anything that's bad in the world.

Still, if you don't like it, you can just jew off and stop being so fucking black about it.

Damn… Now comes the real question, where am I going to get some fruit loops at this hour?

Meh, down to the last of the bag, it's not like my kids need all that sugar coating...

*munching* Anyways…

For most ponies of Ponyville, it had been a beautiful day. The sun was just beginning to set, the skies were mostly clear, and there was a gentle breeze. It was peaceful for a time, until our glorious protagonist or something akin to a falling star, cause let’s be honest here, some stars had less mass, descended from the stratosphere. For a short time it was a rather majestic sight, until the trail came to an abrupt end in the….

Wait for it….

Everfree! Phew, now that was a surprise. Still, that’s where the object in question landed with a rather loud and dusty impact.

Most ponies didn’t realize it at the time, but a truly noble soul had come to seek refuge in their land. A life-changing adventure had begun... Ok, yeah, I said it again, now eat a bag of dicks, you ingrate!

Twilight was having one bucked up day. And all this bull shit, had came after Discord’s great escape the day prior. Still, that had just been the icing on the cake, for the entire week had been like this. One horse shitting event after another. Trying to calm down, she paced around her living room with a frustrated expression adorning her face.

Really, was it too much to ask for one day where she could reshelf the library in quiet tranquility!?

...

And her only answer, was silence, thank Celestia. Still, now that she thought about it some more, she could always just have Spike do it, he always seemed to love the chores given to him.

Now in regards to chaos and bullshit, one might think that she may have gotten lucky in a town as nutty as this one. But they would be wrong, for after dealing with the pony pie Rainbow left on her doorstep, alongside the other twenty or so warped events that had transpired before it, she had shut all the blinds, locked the library’s door, and ignored any knocking she heard. Public hours be damned, this Friday she was closed, and would stay closed even if Tartarus froze over. For at last she would have peace.

Nopony would steal this opportunity from her, or dragon for that matter. She had given him the most fun of all tasks. Dusting, sweeping, and mopping. While these were very stress relieving, she held herself back, and figured he deserved a reward for his good behavior.

Truly, one could not ask for a better JEW (short for Jovial Earnest Worker). It was rather amazing how Spike came up with that, as normally he hated the acronyms she made up. Either way, she always wondered if she should add BALBFF to that but it just didn't have the right ring to it, still he was most definitely her best adopted little brother friend forever.

Really, his only flaw was the constant bickering they shared over his weekly allowance, and his obsession with gem hoarding of course, courtesy of his big snout. But, honestly, it was so silly, she had no problem giving him a raise but to heckle over it each week? Utter madness, besides she had even provided him with materials for the cutest little uniform ever! Why, even Rarity had been impressed, entertained even, by his rather unique design. It always impressed her how much thought he could put into even the simplest of things.

It was a great little outfit, with vertical white and blue stripes, and a star by his neck, designating him as her truly number one assistant. Still, adoptive little brothers like him were hard to come by. She should really get him a treat, but she was on break. Plus, she could do that later so she wouldn’t interfere with the fun he was having in his little fort he made in the basement, or as he called it, Auschwitz. He even came up with a great slogan, “Arbeit macht frei”, which he said translated to “Work sets you free”!

One day, she really needed to look up the fascinating culture that had come up with those ideas. Just think of all the valuable life lessons they could teach us! Unfortunately, it would have to wait until later, for she still had a report to write, and books she had to study.

Taking a few minutes, she prepared some hot cocoa, before retreating to her balcony, where she spent the next hour filling out her report for Celestia on the lessons of friendship.

Trying as this week had been, it was at last the weekend, and nothing would interfere with her exodus from all things social, no it would be a tranquil and quiet weekend. Truly, her suffering was at an end, for two days at least...

For a time she lost herself in the beginnings of a beautiful sunset, before something had appeared in the sky. Was that!? It appeared to be a falling star, oh how she loved astronomy, yet something was odd, why did this one seem like it was drawing closer?

Being the ever curious mare she was, she floated over her telescope to see what she could make of this odd site. Whatever it was, it was huge, and on fire, as it should be, coming in at those speeds. But where was it headed?

Unfortunately, her train of thought was broken by the sound of breaking glass, coming from below her balcony.

“TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT, DID YOU SEE THAT THING IN THE SKY!?” came a rather familiar and overly perplexed voice from what she assumed was the one and only prismatic mare she knew, thank Celestia…

Oh god, what would her family be like? Shh, not now Twilight, slow deep breaths, just like we practiced in class. Okay, she could handle this…

“Rainbow, I'm upstairs, and for the last time. Please. Knock. Next. Time. You can’t keep destroying my windows, that’s destruction of public property you know!” Twilight spoke, in what must have been a rather ‘calm’ and definitely not agitated voice.

This was obviously a mistake as she had given up her position…

The nearby door flew off its hinges as her very ‘special’ friend barged through, “TWILIGHT, IT'S AN EMERGENCY, WHAT IN CELESTIA’S NAME IS THAT!?” Rainbow Dash cried out, frantically gesturing towards the object descending through the sky.

“It’s a falling star….” Twilight parroted, almost devoid of thought and recognition, now gazing upon the wreckage that was once her door and tea cart. Her beautiful crumpets...

“Really!? Wow, who is it? I thought I knew all the famous pegasi but I’ve never seen a color trail as large as that one!”

“....” ‘Twilgith’ gargled ‘wordleslly’…

“TWILIGHT!?” Dash squeaked in fear, “Are you okay, are you having an Agrarianism?” she questioned, unknowingly providing Twilight with multiple levels of wut.

“Why would I give two bucks about the debate between rural and urban environments? Oh, no.. am I starting to sound like Applejack?” she questioned in fear, not realizing just how far off topic they had veered.

“What are you talking about? I meant one of those brain fart thingies…” Rainbow added, obliviously.

“An aneurysm?”

“Yeah, that's what I said, weren’t you listening?”

“....” Twilight said nothing, she only could stare at what must be the empty mass that her friend consisted of.

“Oh buck, do I need to get a docker?

“Why…?” Twilight began to say, before accepting there would be no crates needing unloading, save for the obscenities her mind would produce in time over this debacle.

“No… you just.. surprised me, that’s all.” Twilight added quietly, until she heard a loud crash in the distance.

“Oh cheese and crackers…” she grumbled, so much for a quiet weekend. “I missed recording its landing..” she pouted while noting the impact site was in the Everfree.

“Oh buck, you think that star is alright!?” Rainbow questioned with great concern.

“It’s a rock, Rainbow…”

“Why would a pony pay to watch a rock perform?”

“...”

“Geez, ponies can be weird at times, right?” Dash added, “You… uhh sure you’re all right, we could go check out the docker still. You seem kinda frazzled.”

“Okay…” Twilight added, before her ever prismatic companion escorted her to the location in which she hoped to procure some very, very potent sedatives.