Binky's Friend : Revisions, Rewrites, and Recidivism
Binky's Friend
Scene 1
[Somewhere in the Everfree Forest...]
“Come Scotophobia! Let's purge this evil. In the name of Equestria for the glory of devistation.” Binky, whose current appearance was that of a young blue eyed white unicorn sporting a black mane with the afterglow of a hundred fireflies, a stripy tail, and crackerjack markings glowed with the faint orange of firewood. Triumphantly the young god called out to his regalia who promptly transformed from a flightless orange pegasister (with purple eyes and ironically colored B-FF hair) into a chrome spearheaded dagger (or pigsticker).
“HOOO-AHH!” Binky proudly unleashed this battle cry as he promptly sliced the cockatrice into bloody chicken nuggets. His baby blue scarf whipping in the wind as he posed dramatically “Aha, I win!...So, what were we talking about again?” Binky asked as he casually tossed the spearhead towards the ground with a simple flick of the wrist.
With a twirl, Just before hitting pay-dirt, in a flash of light Scotophobia transformed back into a pegasus foal with windswept hair. “Beats me. But, now that we're on the topic; I quit!”
“*GASP! WHAAAh-? How is that even remotely the same issue as you running off to Ponyville and leaving me all alone in Manehatten... Do you have any idea how cold that refrigerator box was without you? DO YOU!
“It's not like you can really die.” Scotophobia huffed.
“B-but, I thought we were friends.” Binky Whined “Imagine how I felt when you ran off for donuts and you never came back. Do you know how long it took me to canvas Manehatten completely unarmed?”
“Look. Binky, you're a real nice guy and all but- *Groan* For the love of Celestia who am I kiding. You're a Jerk! And, no offense, but you smell like my grandmother.” Technically, being the familiar spirit to an orphaned (if not anthropomorphised) embodiment of death, Scotophobia didn't really have a grandmother. But, that didn't change the fact that Binky smelled like mouse urine and rotten apples.
“You don't even have a grandmother! Hell, you're not even technically alive.” Binky knew this would hurt her, because the truth always hurts. As a golem Scotophobia wasn't technically a living creature anyway. And, as such, her soul was only a fragment of his own. Scotophobia's death meant oblivion as Binky could not share her memories, they could only share emotional resonance, corruption of spirit, and sins against nature; which was how Binky was able to track her down in the first place. Her impure, sinful, and masochistic desires towards a classmate attracted the demigod like being to Ponyville like a fly to fertilizer.
“Wow!” Scotophobia said in indignation “I guess there really is no end to your level of jerk.”
“Doesn't change the fact you're a doll, you're like that annoying dragon at the local library that kept needling at me to shut up. I bet you can't even fly without my help.” Binky noticed a slight twinge in Scotophobia and snarled cynically “I'm right, Aren't I. You can't-Can you? you dull ass Bi-.”
“I can fly, I can totally fly on my own!” Scotophobia lied. Which in turn burned Binky like a branding iron.
“*Sst' You know, that really hurts-” It was a difficult choice, but after spending the last five years in physical pain looking for his wayward armament, severing what little connection they had left would be like gnawing off a leg stuck in a bear trap. The air smelled distinctly of burned fur, rotten apples and mouse urine.
“What can I say? I learned from the best.” Scotophobia stuck out her tongue and gave Binky a raspberry.
Then again, he'd be lucky if the scar tissue on his legs managed to heal.
“Fine.” Binky said flatly as he motioned the saccade for lotus and asylum effectively removing any remaning bond between the two. “I release you to your fate. You were a lousy weapon anyway.” the dark patches of fur on his legs slowly fading to ash gray from the glowing black of burned wood. He momentarily looked forward to being able to walk again without it feeling like hot razorwire was wrapped tightly around his legs like compression socks.
“Hallelujah!” Scotophobia merrily skipped off towards Fluttershy's cottage to meet up with her REAL friends so they could get their animal tamer cutie marks. Her last words to Binky were something along the lines “Enjoy amounting to nothing Jerkface. Toot-a-loo!”
“Oh Yeah! Well you're a Bitch. Hah ha! ha...hurn...oh gods, why won't the hurting stop...
A few months later in Canterlot... (relatively speaking) “I'll shlow her, I'll become the greatest Alicorn prinsheist in the world!!!” Binky then took a swig from the bottle of apple cider he picked up from Flim and Flam's Pour-Haus. It was a respectable establishment that just gave the booze away 'free of charge' provided you agreed to help them sell time shares in Tartarus, wherever the heck that was. Not that Binky cared, as long as it provided him with cider and kept him mobile enough to take care of his other responsibilities. It was honest work that let him lush around in alleys all day long.
“Get a Job Yah Hobo!” Said some snooty stuck up pony that threw a quarter at him.
“You Get a chub you filfy aminal...and teh namesh Blinky!” Binky nursed his bottle, “An I'll have you know ah'm the allmighty Gawd Binky! If you need monsters slain, love potions, retrieved lost items, paranormal investigations, consulting advice and/or me for berfday parties; Just Remember, anything you can do I can do better! And, for a reashonable rate I'm even a nice guy. Ha ha!”
Binky’s Friend
Scene 2
[When You Dance The Macabre With A Glaive And A Twist…]
The night was young, the moon was bright, the invasion of the pony snatchers would begin with a fright. Diamond Tiara was laying in bed, sleeping as soundly as one would expect of another pony with a full stomach while wearing a night mask and headphones. Then again, to say she was sound asleep was an understatement. At the moment she was practically dead to the world, and drooling, as snot trickled out of her nose. She had fallen asleep while listening to Saphire Shores and Ra Ra Couture with her music box on repeat. Given these circumstances, in addition to the fact that she put her blinders on, it was inevitable she would remain unaware of the extraterrestrial snake that had slithered into her room through the open window.
Whether the aforementioned creature was from a whole other world, or different dimension, at this stage it was immaterial. Diamond Tiara was its target. And, should the parasitic creature get it’s way, it would possess her body and mind. Even if that meant what remained of its potential host was as spiritually dead as the muzak she listened to on auto-tune. That this happenstance should occur during the night of an invasion of a different sort was just one of those things that made for excellent cover should its mission fail. After all, the alien could not disguise itself from creatures that feed off emotion in resonance anymore than a predator could hide from its prey. Then again, should the snake achieve ecdysis, ascending into a veritable apex predator meant changeling thermadore and alamode.
It slithered around Diamond’s head. In much the way a centipede would curl about its prey before making a calculated strike, it analyzed the sleeping pony in order to determine the quickest method of penetration. Seven holes five of which were currently occupied, six if you count the one that lead directly to the stomach. It was at that precise moment a spider crawled across Diamond Tiara’s muzzle, startling the parasite out of its exploration of Diamond’s physiognomy immediately.
The parasite then cocked it’s head in curiosity when the unconscious pony, evidently acting on instinct, started to giggle and wiggle her nose “Tee hee hee, that tickles.” Tiara said this as she promptly sniffled, perhaps snorted, just before sliding her tongue across the snot dripping out of her nasal passage and using the viscous residue to aid the fleshy muscle of her tongue in the capture of what the parasite would come to learn was a daddy long legs. There was an audible crunch followed by a grinding noise and an audible whisper of “mmmm… Cupcakes!”
The process of elimination is a beautiful thing, the obvious solution to the alien’s dilemma had presented itself almost itself immediately. While the mouth was otherwise occupied, the defense offered by the tongue and choppers left the pony’s tear duct otherwise defenseless. The gelatinous alien snake then tried to take immediate advantage of her inattentional blindness. Sadly, in much the same way the scent of a gingerbread cookie calls attention to itself next to a glass of milk, the snake failed to force its way through Diamond‘s nose hole because it neglected the one obvious flaw in it‘s reasoning. Simply put, ‘spiders are icky.’ For it was not long after the words “Cupcakes” had escaped Diamond Tiara’s lips, an instantaneous effect really, that Diamond started sputtering and spitting what remained of the foul creature like a cat coughing up a hairball.
This of course lead to Diamond Tiara’s realization that something else was trying to invade her person by crawling up her nose and into her tear duct. After sneezing involuntarily in rapid succession, thanking whatever gods of Equestria saw fit to wake her at that moment. Diamond quickly lifted her night mask to make sure she hadn’t lost any brain tissue, as most ponies are want to do after sneezing with enough force to tear through a handkerchief like a goose in a Dutch oven.
It was then that Diamond laid eyes upon her unwanted caller. As what could only be described as the bastard child of a velveteen worm, and an ungodly reptile made of gelatin, coiled itself into a spring and launched itself towards her. Bringing her legs up to protect her face, Diamond winced as the snake struck with such force the venom seemed to burrow into the frog of her right hoof like an earthworm digging through soil as it slowly tore through the panicked pony’s appendage.
The acidic, if not corrosive, worm wriggled and writhed into her forearm like a hot knife through butter. Diamond unleashed a grunting if not groaning scream as she quickly used her headphones to tie off her arm just above the elbow almost to her shoulder to keep the snake from crawling any further up her arm. The commotion having alarmed everyone in the household with loud clopping, banging, and thumping from the struggle. The bedroom door flew open as Filthy, Rich that is, back kicked the object onto the floor with more than enough force to knock the ceiling fan out of its fixture and splinter the frame on its way down.
“NARM SHNAKE! NARM SHNAKE!!” Panicking, Diamond Tiara was attempting to waggle her arm while speaking through gritted teeth that were busy stripping the plastic coating of the headphone wires. While pulling the ear buds tight enough to cinch her infected arm, as her other foreleg assisted, she took one tenth of a second to look at her recently deformed appendage when the pain immediately ceased, only to find the extremity looked completely normal. Clearly, the psychedelic effects of the snake’s venom had worn off and Diamond Tiara was now momentarily dumbstruck as to what happened.
Never mind what she said after spitting out the marshmallow shaped ear buds. Obviously, it was something along the lines of “Daddy!Oh my gods, There was this ugly black snake, and it bit me.” Of course, being that she was completely uninjured (save her pride at the embarrassment of having her father interrogate her to find out if she was using drugs after discounting her story as a nightmare or falsehood), her explanation fell flat and held about as much weight as the wires that were barely holding up what was left of the ceiling fan.
The night proceeded rather uneventfully after that. Diamond’s father decided it would be best if she slept in one of the guest rooms, or rather, take over one of the guest rooms until repairs could be put in order. Diamond agreed, but knew something was off in her father’s request. He was probably going to sweep her room for herbal drugs, orange frogs, or magic mushrooms in the morning. Whatever, it wasn’t like she had anything to hide anyway.
The following morning breakfast was consumed with about as much fanfare and silence as one would expect in the Rich household. One of the maid’s, and a few of the other servants seemed to have a glazed expression on their faces that Tiara probably wouldn’t have noticed if she wasn’t still on high alert after being attacked by a snake the previous evening. Never one to mince words when the truth would fit best Diamond put some marmalade on buttered toast and left for school. Maybe something interesting would happen today, it’s not like there was a fire or an explosion every week in Ponyville…
Binky's Friend
Scene 3
[Death Takes a Holiday...]
Diamond was in Ms. Cheerilee's class pondering the meaning of life the universe and everything else as she sat quietly in critical silence. She glared at Silver Spoon who was doubtlessly ignoring her over some imagined slight (or transgression) as she wrote or doodled something in her notebook. Seriously, it was almost as if Silver Spoon was as dead from the neck up as the rest of the staff at her family mansion.
“She's probably writing up futa' and yaoi' porn again.” Diamond thought to herself as she recalled the oddly titled 'Pony's Master Bait' featuring Fluttershy, Big Macintosh, and his cousin Braeburn down at the local fishing hole. . . Needless to say the story gave new meaning to the classic saw of 'you've got a line and I've got a pole.' Diamond wasn't even entirely sure why she read the darn thing in the first place, there were just some things that can't be unseen. And, that sort of thing was best left to the imagination of the one who conceived it.
Ms. Cheerilee was doubtlessly teaching something that probably had limited practical utility, at least in Diamond Tiara's opinion. Some of the students were taking notes, and Diamond decided to use the time more effectively by finishing up her math homework. After thinking over the events that had occurred shortly after she was bitten by the snake the preceding evening, it occurred to her that her body did feel kind of numbed all over, like she was half asleep. “I'm so confused...Was it a dream? Which part was the dream? Is it possible I'm really dead? I mean I've had breakfast. And, I'm at school... So I guess that means I'm alive. Then again...” She thought to herself “This seems awfully convenient, If hell were a place it would definitely be Ponyville.” She looked over at Silver Spoon briefly and thought about her odd behavior and that of her father's staff this morning. . . Nah, only a screwball would think the town was being overrun by changelings.
“Hey, Silver. What's my favorite color?” Diamond Tiara asked. It was a pretty stupid question, but it was the only way she could be sure Silver Spoon hadn't been replaced by a changeling or something more sinister.
Silver Spoon had a look of terror on her face for a moment, a look one would expect to see if she'd be caught writing yaoi' porn in her class notebook. “I-uh don't know. Is it blue?”
“HA!” Diamond Called out drawing the attention of the rest of the class as she pointed an accusing hoof “I knew it, You're a cha-” Silver Spoon was panicking and sweating bullets while darting her eyes around the room looking for either an ally or an escape route.
“Oh...wait, I guess you're right.” The look of dumbstruck, if not nervous, relief on the obvious wolf in sheep's clothing went completely unnoticed by the narcissistic heir to the Rich family estate.
Ironically, it was Apple Bloom who was the first to speak up “Are you feeling all right Diamond?”
Diamond Tiara then groaned “Sweet Celestia, why does everything suck? This sucks. Everything SUCKS. I hate my parents, I hate this S#!7y school, I hate my S#!7y classmates, I hate the S#!7 eating pussy look I get on my face when I'm depressed. IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT EVERYTHING SUCKS!” Diamond Tiara then glared at Apple Bloom. “Maybe if some-pony were nicer to me... I... oh, F@$%! did I just say that out loud?”
This was followed by an awkward moment of silence that was broken by a smart ass remark from their teacher. “Well, Tiara, I think you'd look very pretty today if you cleaned up your mouth.”
Apple Bloom was the only one in class who laughed.
“Why don't you go suck you mother's tit blank flank?” Diamond Tiara stated contemptuously as she addressed the laughing sadist.
“My Mama's dead! You know that.” was Apple Bloom's angry retort.
“Awe, tough titties? No worries, I'm sure the maggots have cleared that up by now."
“You better get ready to DIE! Bitch.” Apple Bloom Growled. “I'm going to kill you-”
“GASP! Apple Bloom, I'm surprised at you.” Ms. Cheerilee seemed genuinely shocked to hear Apple Bloom grace her virgin ears with a threats of homicide. “Both of you are staying after class for detention."
“That ain't Fair. Ah ain't done nuffing!” Apple Bloom whined.
“Yeah! How're we supposed to get our grave digging cutie marks if Apple Bloom-” Sweetie Belle immediately piped up with her own smart remark until Cheerilee glared at her... at least Cheerilee thought it was a smart remark until Scootaloo said something that almost scared the poo out of her.
“Shut up, You're going to get us caught.” Scootaloo hissed at Sweetie Belle as Cheerilee looked at her with an expression of horrified curiosity. It was then that she realized what exactly seemed off about this morning's roll call.
“Oh my gods, has anyone seen Twist?” Cheerilee asked as the cutie mark crusaders shared a guilty if not conspiratorial look between the three of them. Shockingly, it was Silver Spoon who put Ms. Cheerilee at ease.
“Uh, Yes! I saw her Ms. Cheerilee... She... was... over at Sugarcube Corner and... said she would be late... because she had to run a few errands for Ms. Chrysalis- I mean Mrs. Cake.” This was followed by a nervous laugh as she seemed to sense Twist walking into class without turning her head “Well, Speak of the devil-” although on a subconscious level Silver Spoon was thinking “Oh thank merciful Chrysalis, reinforcements have arrived.”
“Sorry I'm late Miz Cheerilee-” The look of horror on the crusaders faces as they slowly turned their heads in the direction of Twist, who seemed to have the same glazed expression Silver Spoon was wearing this morning hadn't done anything to put her at ease. “I had to... do stuff. For...Pinkie Pie.”
“That's quite all right. I wasn't teaching anything important anyway.” The crusaders all had a paler that reflected the horrified look on their collected faces, as if they had just seen a ghost.
“AHA! I knew it!” Diamond Tiara Cheered triumphantly, having confirmed Ms. Cheerilee was nothing more than a glorified babysitter.
“I'm not a changeling Tiara, and Silver Spoon isn't one either. You're just a Screwball.” Said Twist.
“Wait, I never said-” Diamond Tiara was starting to connect the appropriate dots. This wasn't hell, either this was a changeling invasion or she was still tripping balls from the leftover snake venom in her system... and, she wasn't even entirely sure the snake was real. “Oh Luna, I hope I'm still asleep.”
“Oh, thank Celestia, it's just another changeling. I was worried Binky might have gotten lonely again.” Scootaloo sighed in relief.
“Who's Binky?” Sweetie Belle asked. Having overlooked the fact that Scootaloo had confirmed Twist was indeed a changeling.
“Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.” Was all Scootaloo was willing to offer on the subject.
“Wah-wow, that-that hole jus' cleared right up. Didn't it?” Apple Bloom laughed nervously “I'm ah guessing tha boo-lay jest grazed you- didn't it? You, should'na done that. You had us awl skeered there for a while Twist. An One oh' these dayz your gon'na have to tell us how you did that trick, cause that sure as shootin' didn't look like jello.
“For the love of-” Scootaloo face hoofed “Apple Bloom. That ain't Twist, the real Twist is still sleeping down at the clubhouse gathering mushrooms and blowflies.”
“But, if she was just sleeping, then why'd you tell us she was dead?” Sweetie Belle asked innocently.
Scootaloo started to bang her head on the desk with several thumps in rapid succession. While mumbling something about the confederacy of idiots around her.
Ms. Cheerilee chose that moment to disassociate from the reality of what was coming from the mouth of babes. It finally happened. She was having that nervous breakdown her professor told her she'd have if she started teaching in students Ponyville. She didn't want to believe all the stories about everyone in Ponyville eventually going crazy. Twist was clearly alive. The cutie mark crusaders were definitely not murderers, and Diamond Tiara definitely hadn't grown an extra pair of eye balls at the base of her hoof that were now blinking at her.
Diamond Tiara chose that moment to play heads up seven up in a shameful moment of her own depression spiral. She lay her face on the desk and brought both hooves to cover her ears. Diamond had to admit Scootaloo had the right idea. If only she could block out the world around her for just a few hours more __then__ she wouldn't have to deal with anything, or anyone, more stupid then her own damned self.
“Arg! Everyone hates me.” Diamond thought to herself “What I wouldn't give to just be left alone, to be forgotten. I wish I could just go home, fall asleep, and forget the school day and all my problems never existed. . . Diamond could have sworn she heard an arrogant jerk say something along the lines of “your wish is my command.” before she just kind of blacked out...
“Scotie! Hey Scotie!” Diamond Tiara said before she tore a page out of her composition book rolled it up into a ball and threw it at Scootaloo. “Hey Scotophobia, bet you didn't know I could do this. Did you, huh?”
Scootaloo opened her eyes lifted her head turned to look at Diamond Tiara with an expression of shock. Her eyes were very catlike and familiar. “Oh my god, you didn't-”
“This is called God's Possession.” Daimond Smirked. “Either that or God's curse, I'm not entirely sure... I'll have to ask daddy next time we meet.”
“Oh! So, you think this is some kind of game now Screwball?” Scootaloo glared at Tiara.
“So, anyway this next question is a very difficult one.” Cheerilee had a sick smile on her face as she pretended not to notice Diamond Tiara's complete change in personality, manestyle, eye color, or Scootaloo's seemingly familiarity and reaction to a pony she knew barely engaged in two kind words with or about the filly, and even then only because she hung out with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle on a regular basis.
“Would anyone like to answer the question on the board?”
Diamond raised her left hoof and waved it in the air with a manic “ooh, ooh, ooh!” Mostly because she didn't seem to have complete conscious control of the other fore-hoof for some odd reason. She then sashayed past Scootaloo with a contemptuous smirk “When are you going to realize I'm a God?” Tiara asked. Tiara then turned to face her classmates.
“Oh my, So...You think you're a God now? That's nice.” Cheerilee smiled like one of Starlight Glimmer's happy little puppet ponies.
“Ah, Yes. Allow me to introduce myself... I am the all mighty GOD Binky!” She then decided to use Ms. Cheerilee's desk as a makeshift lectern. “It's my first day in school. Nice to meet you! Tee-hee.” the pony formerly known as Diamond Tiara saluted the class with a goofy looking grin. “Please take good care of me. And remember to tremble in my presence.”
“Are you sure you really want to do something this stupid on your first day?” Scootaloo asked.
“Holy smokes.” Button Mash commented “She's crazier than me.”
“By the way, Diamond, you really can't be seen right now...” Binky said while staring off into space with a contemptuous grin. “Well, Scooter can probably see you. But, nopony else.”
Ms. Cheerilee briefly wondered if she should be documenting her student's decent into madness. And, she probably would be if she wasn't in the middle of a nervous breakdown of her own and standing three hairs away from being bat guano crazy...'Oh those adorable little devil birds and their thirst for apple juice,' the thought flittered across her mind, 'how wonderful it would be to see them migrate.' Yes, indeedy. Maybe now would be a good time to spring for that vacation in Tartarus she'd heard so much about.
Binky then winked and smiled as she hopped onto Ms. Cheerilee's desk and stared off into space “Let me explain!” if someone happens to make a death wish, I can posses their body easily like _this_. That's called God's Possession.” She then sighed as she sat down on the desk awkwardly “I'm actually trying it out for the first time."
“ha ha ha!” Scootaloo laughed hysterically “She's definitely got a set of pipes on her, and I agree you should give her body back you sick S.O.B.”
“I get it, I get it... my shear attractiveness can be overwhelming to mere earth ponies. I guess I should be thanking you for lending me your body. But, as you can see, I didn't really need the help. After all, I'm actually a God.” Binky then proudly stood up on Ms. Cheerilee's desk and posed provocatively as she addressed her classmates.
“That's right every-pony, I am the all mighty God Binky! I will become the greatest God in the world and every-pony will come to worship me as their one true God. And one day, I will have everything I want in this world at my disposal. Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
“Holy cow, Diamond's a total screwball.” said Featherweight.
“Ok, I'm getting a little bit of a clingy girlfriend vibe right now...” Diamond was kind of turning to look in Featherweight's general direction. It wasn't particularly easy to tell with the over the shoulder stare. “But, I should probably be the least of your worries...”
“You and what army?” Featherweight asked.
“it's your soul dummy, how should I know what happened to your arm?”
“Don't worry about it Diamond. It'll be alright, or I'll make it right.” Scootaloo said with a bit of false bravado.
“Forget everything she just said. What's mine is mine, Dummy. And, your body is now heaven's lost property.” Binky smirked.
“Screw that, I'll keep an eye on him for you.” Scootaloo glared at the possessed pony.
“Yeah, whatever” Featherweight commented, “so long as you keep her googly eyes off of me.”
“Relax, you're not dead. You're more like half dead... I mean, you're not all dead. Only. Mostly dead. A little dead? Sitting on the fence...”
“Hey Screwball, you're starting to scare Featherweight.” Apple Bloom interrupted.
“Hmm...I don't know, I'm a pretty busy guy. Maybe two bits would change my mind.” Diamond appeared to be negotiating a settlement
“All of them,” Scootaloo huffed. “Literally every single one.”
“Great, I'll add you to the list.” Binky smiled maniacally.
“Ha ha ha! How long's the list she says?” Scootaloo started laughing hysterically “Good one. Boss. That's classic.”
After lunch, the rest of the school day pretty much went off without a hitch... unfortunately no-pony would remember Diamond Tiara's decent into madness any more then they would remember not to call her Screwball for the next couple of years.
Binky’s Friend
Scene 4
[From Street 2 Slick...]
“So, Diamond…” Scootaloo had to ask, especially now that the three ponies had left the schoolhouse when lessons had ended for the day.
Apple Bloom had actually stayed behind for detention. And, strangely enough, had to remind Ms. Cheerilee what she was there for. Sweetie Belle, out of a misplaced concern in her friend, insisted on waiting for Apple Bloom in the schoolyard’s playground. It wasn't an altogether remarkable playground, especially in light of the grey overcast skies. The mournful song of rusted swing set combined with the otherworldly warble of oddly named canadian geese were the only sound that could be heard outside the clamoring din, if not a thunderous roll, of playful hoof-steps as the foals who had recently escaped their orthodox prison before heading home.
Meanwhile, Screwball (that is to say the all mighty god Binky) was wearing Diamond’s Body like a prophylactic. At least, Scootaloo assumed that was the plan until he recovered from whatever blight his late regalia singed him with as s/he (it? Binky was technically a god) started trotting off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner. So, it was at this point there was no doubt in Scootaloo’s mind that the anthropomorphic personification of death intended to take advantage of Diamond Tiara’s sweet tooth, taste buds, and endless bank account for some treats.
“DT, How exactly did you meet Binky? I mean he doesn’t just grant wishes to anyone out of charity.” Technically, he wasn’t violating the ‘literal spirit’ of Diamond Tiara’s wish, as detention meant the school day wouldn’t end for her (them?, the damned?) until Cheerilee released Apple Bloom from their punishment of shared intention. And, in all honesty, Diamond could (should literally) have just gone home, fallen asleep, and forgotten that the school day had ever happened, even if that meant Diamond was technically cutting class… or that she’d have no idea how sinfully Binky was using her body. Especially if he intended to use it as a track suit.
Not that it was a particularly major concern considering Binky was only about as evil and demonic as Fluttershy’s little Angel. But, if there was a fine line between right and wrong for the anthropomorphic personification of death, using or violating some pony’s body like a meat puppet without their full or conscious consent had to be pretty evil. Then again, being the embodiment of death by dis-ease, sub heading suicide, among other forms of morbidity meant that he was in opposition to all that lived anyway. So, death was technically evil incarnate by virtue that his existence and was the literal opposite of what it means to live.
She snorted. “Unless Screwball over here-” Diamond Glared, with a look that did everything in its power to shoot daggers, at the thing that was currently in possession of her body while keeping stepping time with Scootaloo behind aforementioned screwball. “is that same perverted crackerjack I caught playing with a factory reject dildo this morning by the train tracks this morning, I have no idea.”
Now that she thought about it, Diamond really didn't have many clear memories of this mornings events. It was almost as if a fugue was clouding the memory from her full conscious awareness.
“That was not a dildo, that was my new Testara.” Screwball, that is to say the pony formerly known as Binky, corrected her ungrateful host. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find a parasprite I could use as a regalia weapon on such short notice. It‘s not like I had access to my blessed vessel. She was busy trying to get her homicider cutie mark or something.”
“For the last time jerkface, I am not your blessed vessel. I could barely stand being your exemplar. And, put your tail down people can see your hooch!” Scootaloo complained.
“Aww, but I thought You liked that. Don’t you?” Screwball purred at Scotophobia mockingly.
“Would you two butt-heads shut up and pay attention to me?” the three legged specter of Diamond Tiara whined with a whimper.
“Oh, Heaven forbid anyone ever stop doing that for two minutes.” Scootaloo muttered. . . “wait, you mean that nubby little circlet thingie you were wearing in the everfree forest the other night was- BWAH HA HA HA HA, snakes alive it really is a factory reject dildo.”
“Her name is Twist and she’s twice the Regalia you’ll ever be. Besides, you‘d be surprised how useful a blackjack with a rubber strap can be. ” Screwball huffed.
“Oh My God, I knew it! Where is she now, is she hiding in the dumpster behind Sugarcube Corner?”
“No!” Binky was offended “I’m not that cruel. If she’s smart then she’ll still be waiting for me in that booth I left her in five hours ago.”
“You left her there -alone- for five hours!? You’re insane. You do realize no one can see her. Right? I mean unless you resurrected her body or made her a new one she’s still just a ghost.” Scootaloo jogged up to match pace with her former patron/dependent so that she was shoulder to shoulder with the screwball. This action was taken so that she could give the body snatcher a piece of her mind.
“Well maybe you should have thought of that before you murdered her!” Binky‘s voice dripping with sarcasm. “Besides, she’s so out of it she couldn’t even recognize her reflection at this point.”
“Of course she’s out of it. She’s a ghost with a head injury. I‘d be stupefied too.” Scootaloo stated with venom.
“Damnit! What the hay are you two filly’s talking about? And would you quit ignoring me!” Diamond Tiara growled as she chased after the two mischief makers trotting up the steps to the entrance of Sugarcube Corner while in the middle of what appeared to be a lover‘s quarrel.
"Hyperacusis." Binky stated with a solemn emotional apathy and dispassionate tone. Diamond wasn't sure Binky had answered her question. The response was given in such a way; as the the tavern's gingerbread styled, olde-world modeled, barn door was opened by the screwball with a heart of gold (simultaneously highlighting one of the most architecturally striking features of Sugarcube corner while reminding Tiara that her body had been commandeered by a self proclaimed god of ill repute) using a less than ambidextrous preference for Diamond Tiara's left arm to open the door. Thus, creating a distressed whine, accompanied by the ting of a bell, intended to direct the attention of anyone beyond the reach of the bakery's service counter; and other ponies in the immediate area who simmilarly weren't entirely sure Binky had addressed them all with gibberish.
As the three ponies entered the sweet shoppe; consisting of one machine turned homunculus, one helhest of a spectral apparition, and a god in possession of the latter's physical form with maxed out charisma stats and a full compliment of legs; they headed for a booth at the other end of the storefront. If there was a word taxidermists used that could describe a living corpse, other than carcass, zombie, golem, or manikin, this would aptly describe the body that was being manipulated and puppeteered by Binky. For Twist, however, there was no need for a marshmallow test to hold her attention, her blank, open mouthed, glassy eyed expression and the ectoplasmic drool dripping from her maw said it all. If Binky had fingers s/he'd probably be snapping them to bring Twist out of her stuporous if not vacant expression. "Yep. Smarter than a bag of hammers. Just the way I like it" Binky commented.
"What the hay is wrong with her?" Diamond asked as she looked back and forth between Binky and Scootaloo the orange pegasus just kind of shrugged and vaguely made an 'idunno sound.
"Well, I tried to pattern her personality after that kid from two stupid dogs... you know that one cartoon with Secret Squirrel. But she must of recovered some of her memories and cancelled out the spell."Binky Started. "We came at a good time, she probably spent most of that time screaming her head off, and now she's just recovering from the shock."
"Please tell me you patterned my personality after Rainbow Dash." Scootaloo had a sly look on her face.
"Who?" Binky asked. "More to the point do you even have a personality?"
"What the hay are you two talking 'bout? neither of you are making any Celestia-damned sense when you speak. It's like listening to an old married couple arguing in Applenese." Diamond queried. It wasn't like she was mining for information, just a point of reference so she could make some sense out of the nonsense.
"YOU VILE URCHIN!" A glimmer of life and passion returned to Twist momentarily as she lifted her arm and pointed an accusing hoof at Scootaloo."YOU KNEW THIS $#@7 WOULD HAPPEN AND SAID NOTHING!"
"Well, If it makes you feel better the girls and I learned a whole lot about Taxidermy." Scootaloo laughed nervously. "And being friends with death has benefits."
"Oh, good. She's awake." Binky smiled as he waved his or rather Diamond Tiara's... her pole arm in front of Twistaloo's face to gather her attention like Pinkie Pie on a sugar high. "Good morning precious, welcome back to the land of the living...impaired. My name's Binky, this here is Tramp Stamp-"
"Hey!" Diamond Tiara interjected as Binky pointed at her.
"-and you already know Scootaloo." Binky finished "Now, if you don't mind scooting over a bit, I'm going to order some milkshakes and hayburgers. Jus' let me know if you want anything."
"You better not be using my credit card!" If the venom in Diamond's voice could kill the anthropomorphic embodiment of death, he'd probably respawn in a matter of moments. Especially given how upset Luna was about her recent discovery of all the ponies that died from their nightmares while she was interred on the moon... Although not technically responsible for those deaths, Binky was present when many of those ponies fell victim to the self-fulfilling prophecy of their own death wish. Which, was just another reason to hate him beyond the 'it follows' virus.
"Listen 'Tramp.' Just have a seat, shut your yap, and enjoy the show." Scootaloo grumbled as she pushed Diamond into the open seat, in the booth, opposite Twist with her big fat butt (Scootaloo's butt being the object of Diamond's immediate ridicule) as the pegasus herself sat opposite Binky. Of course Binky, who was currently looking over a menu that had been coated in Twist's ectoplasmic drool, mulled over the selection with as much care as one would expect of a demonic entity who hadn't eaten for two days.
If Diamond Tiara had teeth she'd be grinding them as she glared at Binky with a withering glance so smoldering it could melt a hole through a looking glass. And, While It didn't seem to bother Scootaloo at all, with how quickly she fell into line with switching roles between being Binky's enforcer and Diamond Tiara's wayward bodyguard(or vice-versa), the later felt the sting of betrayal immediately.
"Cheez-its and honey, would you quit staring at me like that DT. It's kind of annoying." Binky looked up from his/her menu to give Diamond a piece of his/her mind.
"-oh.OH! It's making you uncomfortable!? Well, 'You know what else is uncomfortable!? Some-pony stealing your body in the middle of a F@%King math lesson you F@%king screwball." Diamond Tiara hissed in seething rage.
Binky started to respond "Buh-di-b-di-b-di-b-di-b-di-b-di" Binky then dropped the menu with her left hoof, grabbed her right arm, and seemingly wrestled it away from her face before wedging it behind her neck and holding it in place with the muscles of her neck meats. Simultaneously ending her momentary porky pig like motorboat imitation, with an impromptu face flap,"I'm sensing a lot of hostility and pent up anger coming from you.” Binky stated. Clearing her throat before wiggling her face awkwardly as she rubbed her new muzzle with nonchalant vigor "And, honestly, it's making me kind of uncomfortable."
"Yup. Everything's got to be about you, huh?” Scootaloo rolled her eyes clearly finding the situation mildly amusing... or you know, completely frustrating given that she was doing a pretty terrible job supporting either self hating princess macabre. To the point where she was just repeating herself, echoing earlier statements by rote, and more or less letting Binky mechanically talk to herself about nothing.
"I know, right. Talk about vain." Screwball put her right arm down, ecstatic she was agreeing with Scootaloo about something for a change and failing to realize her wayward weapon wasn't talking. Then, after taking a moment to look at Diamond "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend. And You-" Binky was now looking into the sole (the frog) of her hoof, fork in her left hand ready to strike as she appeared to be arguing with her now idle hand "Don't make me stab you with a fork. Because I will cut you. "
"WHAT!?" Diamond asked. As if having a boyfriend was relevant at the moment. "Don't you Dare patronize me YOU F@$king cun-mmmrph" only to have her ranting muffled by Scootaloo.
"Don't bother, he can't hear you right now. He's in his own little world. Besides, I doubt there's a censor for that yet." Scootaloo commented.
"Conniving needs a censor?" Diamond asked.
"See what we did there?" Scootaloo smiled.
Binky then turned to address Twistaloo "So, Twist, anything happen while I was gone?"
"I-ah, Yeah! I was looking out the window. Down the street, you know? When, all of a sudden I noticed this strange filly just staring back at me..."
"Was it the barista? 'cause under normal circumstances most ponies can't see apparitions." Binky appeared bothered and uncomfortable as she gave a furtive sidelong glance to Pinkie Pie who promptly smiled and winked back. But, if anyone could see a ghost haunting Sugarcube Corner, Binky would lay even money that it was that mare. "Are you sure she was looking at you?"
"Yep. She was looking at me dead. Dead in the eyes!" Twist stated morosely.
"Well, what did she look like?" Binky asked mildly curious if his/her suspisions were correct.
"She was about my age, I guess, with fluffy red cotton candy hair, big purple eyes, she was wearing a yellow beanie, and looked very cuddly." Twist used the executive function of her full cognitive resources to remember as many details about the strange filly that had been staring at her as she looked out the window as she possibly could.
"Wait." Binky, having pieced the mystery together, took the yellow beanie with a green propeller off Twistaloo's head and placed it on her own head. "Now. Where exactly did you see this person (that was staring at you)?"
"I don't know... I was just staring out the window when all of a sudden-" Twist was cut off when Binky shooshed her regalia with the sole of her right hoof.
“Shhh!”Binky then proceeded to face-hoof with the palm of her left. "That was a reflection you nimrod."
"Binks,' Remind me again why I have to be here?" Scootaloo leveled Binky with a half lidded stare.
"You're here because I needed some-pony remotely intelligent to talk too." Binky then looked away from the gathered ponies hoping Pinkie Pie would notice them through the gleam in the corner of her own eye, and show up before taking their order.
"Ha ha, hi Tiara! When did you get here?" Twist asked as if she just noticed Diamond Tiara for the first time... even though she had been sitting across from Twistaloo the entire time. "Hey! Has anyone else seen Tramp Stamp?" Twistaloo asked as she looked around the Sugarcube Corner to see if she could catch a glimpse of the pony Binky had introduced her to not minutes before.
"Um, I think she went to the bathroom." Scootaloo mentioned.
"Well, I hope your happy Scootaloo." Binky scoffed. "This is what I'm stuck with now- I'll have you know this is your fault." Binky Accused his former exemplar.
"My fault!" Scootaloo was livid.
"Yeah, __all__ your fault." Binky almost felt shame."If some-pony wasn't so obsessed with their new girlfriend-"
"You said you needed a new regalia! right? And, you said you could make them from spirits. All I wanted was a little freedom." Scootaloo whined.
"Twitter-mite spirits not para-sprite spirits you twit'. Does Twist look like she's- oh nevermind. " Binky steamed.
"Parasprite what now?" Diamond asked "You mean those bugs that tore up the Ponyville a few seasons back."
"Yeah, that was a really bad day in Saddle Arabia. But, in all fairness, Miss Glimmer would not shut up. And that Kool-aid was all kinds of awesome." Binky replied. “I mean, Ecto Cooler, who could resist.”
"I was only trying to help!" Scootaloo cried. "I didn't know Sweetie Belle would-"
"You know what else would have helped, sweetheart. You not helping." Binky returned his attention to Scootaloo. "And, because of that, I was forced to take on this factory reject dildo as my regalia." Binky gestured to indicate Twistaloo. "Not to mention DT hardly qualifies as a tracksuit, much less paladin material."
"Hey, Diamond." Twist prodded Diamond Tiara with her concerned address.
"Yeah?" Tiara wasn't entirely sure how to respond.
"What's a Dildo?" Twistaloo asked.
“...” was all the spectral apparition could do.
Binky’s Friend
Scene 5
[Would It Matter If I Wasn’t?]
It didn’t take a genius to know where Diamond Tiara lived. After all, nearly everyone that knew Diamond was a aware that she lived up on a hill in a bed of clovers. She had a heated swimming pool with a waterfall, her own grove of snack bearing plants (cashews, plums, berries and the like), and an arcade filled assortment of poker tables, pinball, and marble machines. That was just common sense.
Sadly, or perhaps ironically, her street address was still a mystery to even the likes of Silver Spoon. Mostly because Diamond’s father insisted she charge people a ludicrous service fee to come in for a visit like she was a clown running an amusement park or something, and even after meeting that requirement further expected her to charge people to use her toys, musical instruments, and other assorted knick-knacks, all of which he made abundantly clear wasn’t even her property. It was almost as if she was just managing thrift store, casino, or warehouse, for a sadistic jackass.
While not technically stealing, Diamond did know how to supplement her allowance by playing drop dead and knuckle bones with her mother. Mostly because any resources her father actually gave her was just 'holding money' {for lack of a better term}, she wasn’t technically allowed to spend, invest, or use it on anything without Filthy’s explicit approval. If her father was a pimp she’d be his bottom bitch. Still, knowing her mother frequently played with loaded dice actually made the situation more like a con game of abuse wherein dice games for Diamond became test of luck against agility.
Regardless, the location of her living address wasn’t nearly as public as her father’s service address. The timber wolves patrolling the perimeter of the property scared off most of unwanted visitors and made it unlikely that anyone in their right mind would trespass a clearing in the middle of the everfree forest. One of the smaller timber wolves would escort her past Fluttershy’s cottage before returning to the ‘Heart of Darkness,’ a steamboat that carried her the few miles from the clearing to the edge of Ponyville.
To save money on a bodyguard or something, her father then expected her to go out of her way to greet assorted ponies he had already vetted on her way to school. So. Basically, she had to go out of her way to find Fluttershy among other tattle-tales or gossip queens and say good morning. What are the odds they'd all be part of the mane 6? Doubtlessly so her parents knew she followed a predetermined path on her way to school and could complain if a deviation from her normal routine was reported.
Heaven forbid she wasn’t completely normal in every conceivable way, if she wasn’t she’d have to hear parents fight about it for days on end. Normal, of course, being an arbitrary concept. As her father would occasionally insist she do something completely senseless, meaningless, or off the rails like wearing bunny ears to satisfy the whims of the zap apple gods.
Diamond probably wouldn’t even be friends with Silver Spoon if it weren’t for the fact that ‘normal’ ponies have friends, if she didn’t have ‘friends’ then people would think she was a bully, had a low frustration tolerance, or think her a sore looser like Apple Bloom.
But, apparently, having a friend made all those character flaws disappear like magic in much the same way throwing money into a wishing well can make people more likely to do what you ask. If Diamond Tiara was in anyway autistic then it was conditioned in response to her environment. Dysphoric maybe, but being autistic or in any other way abnormal was antithetical to her self concept.
Diamond found herself ruminating over what she could do to seem more completely 'normal' if not 'sightly above average' for the next few days. Otherwise, getting bitten by the demonic snake creature would be just like the time she caught fleas, if her father didn’t believe the snake was real he would accuse her of goldbricking or just being allergic to work. Only in this case, it was drugs and not opposition to work he saw as the problem. Which meant her parents would throw her in a treatment center like the one Pinkie Pie frequented until she was ‘clean’ or they determined that she really was crazy.
Of course, Diamond Tiara considered herself fortunate she met Silver Spoon at the park shortly after getting fleas or she’d have never gotten rid of them. The fleas that is, not her parents. Diamond also had no reason to doubt her past experience with this sort of situation required some kind of justifiable paranoia. Heck, her father thought she was making a bomb when she wanted a vinegar bottle, food coloring, and corn syrup for a science project…
Granted, you probably could make a really substandard Molotov Cocktail with those ingredients. But, ultimately, she just wanted to make a wave machine or an emulsion thingie so she wouldn’t get grades that were below average for her science project.
Diamond Tiara was currently cantering on a crosswalk approaching a brick wall that ran parallel to the railroad tracks on her way to the Carousel Boutique. She wasn’t exactly on the beaten path when she came across the gray and white pony with crackerjack markings.
Diamond had a lovely view of his unguarded rear end at twenty meters. Whereas the head attached to the horses ass appeared to be peeking around the corner at (or on) the far side of the wall, where it ends into an open alleyway. The pony in the fluffy fluff blue scarf then appeared startled. When he reared up and leaned flat against the wall beggars style, hyperventilating in fear and attempting to make himself as invisible as possible, Diamond’s curiosity was piqued. Becasue she just pranced over to the panicking pony from his opposite flank seemingly unnoticed. At least, before she touched him with the appendage that been bitten by the narm shnake.
“Hey stranger. What you doing?” Diamond asked as she tapped him on the shoulder with her right hoof.
“EEEP!” the crackerjack turned towards the thing that had touched him with a fearful expression, and then relief, after he looked at Diamond like he’d seen a ghost. He took a moment to look down at her arm and then look back to her face with an unreadable expression. “It’s, it’s around the corner.”
“Say what?” Diamond asked curiously.
“She appears to be eating.” He said as Diamond decided to take a look. Mostly because she was having difficulty connecting the dots before gasping in horrified surprise.
“Why- Winona!? Oh gods she-she’s feeding off a griffon!” Diamond recognized the dog immediately, practically everyone in town knew about the Apple’s family dog…Not many ponies on the other hand would recognize Gilda, or what was left of her after Winona had eviscerated her and chewed off half her face. Diamond Tiara brought her hoof up to her mouth in shock, or possibly to stop making noise altogether should the rabid canine happen to notice her.
Winona stopped eating at the call of her name. Her ears twitched and pulled back in the direction of Diamond Tiara. Slowly she turned her head revealing several rows of serrated teeth, her muzzle opened like petals of a flower, five to be exact. Her snout was split open down the middle with two rows of teeth in each section. The monster’s lower jaw was divided into three parts (each with its own rows of teeth) leading into a hole that looked like the anus of a starfish or the mouth of an octopus. Winona’s tongue was perhaps the most alien feature of what was visible of the simulacrum's head. Becasue the pink, wet, fleshy muscle split off into two insect like eye stalks. After staring at the creature in shock Winona’s head quickly closed up, twisting and morphing together as it reverted to its usual appearance... that of a collie mutt.
“I see, so you failed also…” Winona looked crestfallen as she approached the horrified Diamond. “you…with your location… in your host.” Winona looked up to meet Diamond’s gaze “Me with my animal host. Both…Dissatisfied.”
“Run!” The crackerjack pony shouted as he pulled on Diamond Tiara’s Tail.
“What!? I don’t-” Winona started to charge as the crackerjack pushed Tiara out of the way before bucking the dog into the wall behind them with a bloody splat.
“Are you blind and stupid? I said run!” The crackerjack yelled as he chased after Diamond like an insane thestral escaping the underworld.
“I don’t understand. What’s going on?” Diamond asked as the two ponies started fleeing from the recovered canine in terror as it started mutating back into the monster that lay the griffon Gilda to waste in a matter of minutes… then it reformed several of the bones in its body and grew a pair of membranous bat like wings and took to the air.
“I’ll explain later, for now just move.” The crackerjack felt a disturbance in the force.
“But-”Diamond Tiara started. When she realized, she had no idea who this mustang bronco was. In fact, at the moment she knew more about his back end than his front end. “Why are we running? Who the hell are you? What is that thing? Where are we going?”
“That thing is the same thing you are. Hot and Dangerous.” Diamond couldn’t tell if he was flirting or acting serious, “I could sense that it wanted to kill you immediately.” Binky then steered or corralled Diamond towards a park with a swing set by the rail yard. The two were hidden safely behind a park bench before the anthropomorphized embodiment of death dropped the bombshell “As for me, I’m actually a god.”
“A god?” Diamond Deadpanned.
“Yup, I can grant wishes also. You can call me Binky.” The earth pony smiled stupidly as he held out his left hoof for a shake… it looked as if he’d stepped in dog poop apparently.
“You sure you want me to do that screwball?” Diamond asked. Not entirely sure if she wanted to make intimate contact with the mysterious stranger or even know his name.
“Yes, well… I may be in a small rut at the moment, but I can assure you I am the strongest god in all of Equestria. I’m even stronger than Celestia. And, eventually everyone will worship me as the one true God.” Binky said dramatically as the words seemed to become grander and more delusional with each passing sentence.
“Oh great, I’ve been rescued by a hobo who thinks he’s God.” Diamond wasn't sure if she should discuss this with her analyst...who ironically enough was Princess Luna because the wolfman that Twilight talks to durring their convergent dreaming sessions was just icky.
“Well, it looks like you‘re okay." Binky stated somewhat oxymoronically; with both a calm and excited tone. "So….What‘s your name again?” Binky asked.
“Like I’m Going to tell you!” Diamond Tiara Sneered.
Binky then leaned his head over and looked at her cutie mark “Diamond Tiara, huh? That’s nice, I guess you really didn’t have much of a talent. So, I guess that makes it okay.”
“*wha!? how did you-” ...“W-wait, am I dead?” She looked into Binky’s cold blue eyes and stared into oblivion. After getting over her initial panicked shock that someone actually managed to figure out her name, much less her talent, after looking at the abstract thing on her rear and came up with tiara anything other than tramp stamp was a stretch for the imagination.
It was only after she took a moment to look into the oblivious stare of his eyes that she recognized him for what he was “Am I dead?” Diamond asked, almost panicked, as she looked into the blue oblivion of his snake like irises.
“Um…Well, not immediately.” Binky momentarily wondered if he should be using a jugan or geass to make sure she forgot this moment ever happened. “I mean, that’s not as bad. Right? Going into the light is easy as can be; leaving it is what will scare thee.”
“What kind of monster are you!? This isn’t some game you jackass. This is my life.” Diamond Tiara whined. Had she full control of her body and emotional regulation right now Diamond would have probably pounced Binky like goat and would be butting him into the ground.
“Urgh, what a pain. Listen-” Binky started talking, but was cut off by a blood curdling scream.
“EEEEK!” Diamond Tiara screamed as she once again caught sight of Winona's simulacrum chasing after something that kind of looked like Twist, only she wasn’t wearing her glasses, had big purple eyes, appeared to be wearing a yellow beanie with a green propeller on top, and was definitely a blank flank.
“Binky! Binky! Guess what?” Twist-a-loo came running into the park. It goes without saying she was real excited to see her new master given that she was followed closely by what could only be described as Q*bert with attitude. “ I did it. I did it just like you said. I totally exorcised a demon! I’m sure she’s real tired an'all. Now what am I 'sposed to do?”
“Gods dammit Twist!” Binky cursed as he face-hoofed in shame. “You IDIOT! If that thing kills you, I’ll die too.” Binky failed to note the 'not immediately' part hadn't exactly crossed his mind.
“What the…” Diamond wasn’t entirely sure what was going on.
“Run For it!” Binky cried out as he pushed, in a failed attempt at motivating, Diamond to run away. Mostly just to get the pink pony up off her ass and back on her feet, all four on the floor the park. “Now go! I‘ll have to fight it here.”
“If this is death, you’ve gotta’ be kidding me!” Diamond Tiara muttered to no one in particular as she wandered about five feet, possibly three, before turning around and sitting on her haunches to watch this garbage beat the facsimile of Winnona into a bloody pulp.
It's not that she wasn't scared of the headless canine with a bifurcated tongue sticking out of it's serrated tooth glory hole, a tongue that for all intents and purposes resembled a marsupial's pony baloney, assuming that the pony baloney ended in a bug eyed stalks ballooned into the shape of a century egg with the iris of a hawk. And, it wasn't like Diamond Tiara was particularly curious about marsupial pee-pees when she discovered that particular oddity for a report on Princess Luna's therapy service ... possum.
Diamond wasn't scared of Winonna's bat winged headless monster corpse for the plain and simple reason that the moment the adrenaline flooded her body, rather than trigger a flight response, or the laxative release of last evening's alfalfa pellets (as would happen under most normal circumstances), the adrenaline had simply bypassed her medulla oblongata.
This was no coincidence as the extra terrestrial snake that had wormed its way into her body trough the frog of her noodle (and whom was currently using Diamond Tiara's body as its sleeve) had not only consumed her leg but replaced it and a significant portion of the spine tingling nervous tissue that managed many of Tiara's more vital internal organs. In a sense, Tiara couldn't care to move if she wanted too because she was not only depressed but disassociated from what she was observing by virtue of the fact that she now had a second brain.
Diamond's affluenza, as the case may be, was the result of what Sunset Shimmer would term the third man phenomena coupled with what Twilight Sparkle would call a catatonic post nervous breakdown commingled with compassion fatigue. All this boils down to the crowning moment of lazy curiosity that just had her sitting there like a cow on her haunches as she ruminated about the distasteful idea of some-pony glory stomping a dog...even a headless one with serrated teeth and a pee-pee shaped worm crawling out the hole of it's...her, Winonna's neck meats.
“Okay Twist,” Binky started his saccade “it’s time to defeat this abomination. Atelophobia, come to me!” No sooner had the words escaped Binky’s mouth than did Twist-a-loo’ move as if stuck by lightning, because that’s exactly what happened as her body became a bolt of blue energy that coalesced in Binky’s grasp only to become-
“Holy smokes is that a dildo!?” Diamond asked still trying to figure out how an earth pony managed to transmogrify another pony into a replica of the oft mentioned one eyed monster. Granted she’d seen frogs turned into oranges so this wasn’t much of a stretch for the imagination, but it was still a stretch... not unlike marsupial wing-wangs with eyeballs and serrated teeth attached to one nasty looking 'bee' that ends with an 'otch.'
A blackjack. Twist-a-loo became a blackjack with a rubber strap. A blackjack of course being a sturdy blunt-force melee weapon that does indeed look kind of like a dildo, slingshot, the horn of a unicorn, or a really short whip, possibly a noose shaped riding crop if one got creative. Of course, referring to it as a melee weapon was rather generous, all things considered it was about as useful as the hilt of a sword.
“I purge thy evil in the name of the rising sun. Hooo-AHH!” Binky then proceeded to beat Winona with Twist like she was a rolled up newspaper. In all fairness the dog was rabid. It was quickly dispatched when Binky used his regalia to crush the dog's heart like the soul of a baby kitten.
The personality of what had once been Winonna was no longer there. The dog turned monster had already needlessly taken at least one sapient life, so there really was no reason to keep the abomination alive. Still, to harm a creature well known for it's undying loyalty or its capacity to eat feces and continue smiling was a tragedy for the ages.
Not to mention, Apple Bloom had some really awkward questions that morning when she slipped in a puddle of blood, found Granny Smith's headless body, and was no doubt ruminating over what was left of Winonna's muzzle, attached to what was left of a skull with hydrochloric acid burns, and what apeared to be a half eaten apple pie, in a half open refrigerator... Clearly, she was still dreaming and this was some kind of Karmic backlash for what had happened to Twist the other day.
Apple Bloom hadn't seen or heard from Applejack that morning or Big Mac, but chances were they had woken up before dawn to do some apple bucking and to feed the cows... she wasn't sure of what happened to Granny Smith, but it was kind of obvious and chances were pretty good she was at the glue factory in the sky. So, if this was a nightmare, Apple Bloom best figured she may as well go to the school house so Princess Luna wouldn't ask her anymore awkward questions about the dead bodies laying around... assuming there weren't more on the way to school.
Binky's Friend : Revisions, Rewrites, and Recidivism
Binky’s Friend : Pink Sound
Scene 1
[Hyperacusis...]
There was enough food to feed a small army laid out before the four fillies gathered around the booth in the far corner of the bakery, emphasis on was. This small feat had won Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo a Polaroid photo and Sugarcube Corner’s posthumously named screwball award.
Naturally, the feat would have been quite impressive if the two foals had actually pulled it off without cheating; not that they could actually explain the cause of their ravenous hunger without sounding a bit loony toons. After all, who would want to believe Sugarcube Corner was haunted by a pair of extra celestial apparitions?
It was bad enough the two cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eaters were so high on sugar and absinthe that patrons entering the facility practically wondered why Pinkie Pie used it to make licorice in the first place… not that she’d gotten many complaints about her brownies or specialty muffins, but the children giggling in the back of the store were barely coherent; not to mention inconsolably delirious or arguably psychotic.
Metaphorically speaking, if one didn’t know better they might assume the winners of the screwball award were suffering recovery sickness from the use of pot' after being slain by sharpness two.
One could hardly classify the repast at Sugarcube Corner fine dining, but between Binky and Diamond Tiara’s credit card the mare working the floor of the sweet shop made it possible. For the savory, mint chocolate mousse. For the cold appetizer, éclairs imported from Buckarrest. For the hot appetizer, apple pie brown betty brownies. For the intermezzo prickly pear sorbet, made with the juiciest nopalea in all of Equestira. When the main course consisting of a three layered red velvet chiffon with pumpkin cream icing and double stuffed chocolate ganache disappeared faster than you can say pega-sister, a desert consisting of truffles in amethyst fondant made with real magic mushrooms was bound to be a major treat.
The orange soda, whose ginger bug was fermented with frogs from Twilight’s caracara, made the incredibly edible red licorice straws and candy glass tumblers immaterial. A true shock considering the flavor of the beverage was closer to mead mixed with sake than orange flavored ginger ale. Then again the chaser, consisting of a hot fudge Sunday with maraschino cherries and grenadine syrup, certainly made up for any missing calories the girls needed to wake the dead with ear piercing squeals of delight.
The specter of Diamond Tiara unwillingly footing the bill for this repast, as the anthropomorphic embodiment of death used her corporeal form to engage in a wild and drunken revelry, abstained from waxing her palate with anything more than the backwash of liquorish dew-shine passing itself off as coqui-cola.
“Why the hell aren’t you eating anything?” The mycelial parasite currently occupying Diamond’s body asked. That is to say Binky, the intellent virus, seemed to finally notice his host was not enjoying much of anything.
“And deprive you of your final meal? You scheming, dirty, rotten, thieving, lying, no-good, butt-faced god. I perish the thought.” Diamond replied. If anypony else could have seen her they might have noticed a slight sneer if not carrion eating look.
“Whatever, Fatty McFatting-ton. Just remember it’s your face not mine.” Binky huffed as she stuffed another cupcake in her mouth… “OW! Farking stained lass muffin.” Binky whimpered and whined ad werf surf-tribble-ing quite interrigible conshidering her mowf waf foo of grass.’’
“Damn-it Binks quit narrating with your mouth full!” Scootaloo was clearly annoyed as she shoved Binky‘s face into a conveniently located banana cream pie with a splat. How she managed to sneak up behind the body snatcher was a matter of public record. Seeing as she left the corner stall of the little filly’s room; with bidets and hipponese toilets, without washing her graspers; it was also kind of icky. Sadly, Binky’s face was only an ungodly mess for half a second. Because the anthropomorphic embodiment of death managed to stretch Diamond Tiara’s tongue like a vine and lick her...their? face clean with a tongue in the length of a fruit by the foot.
“Wow!” Twistaloo was in awe. “That’s so romantic, you two must really like each other.” No, that wasn’t sarcasm. Apparently Twistaloo’s less than spectacular resurrection was accompanied with some form of delusional metta-cognitive autism that left her completely oblivious to harmful pranks or backhanded compliments Scotophobia and death were aiming at one another.
Naturally, this statement received a dull, shocked, and an ‘OMG is she that bleating stupid’ look from the other fillies at the table accompanied by a seemingly hollow “What!?” that reverberated with the echo of two voices and a nervous laugh.
“Well, what I mean is… you guys are always fighting, threatening each others lives, and collectively ignoring me. That’s love, Right?” Twistaloo was momentarily confused when Diamond face-hoofed in pity or sympathy before DT's specter momentarily wondered why she was surrounded by idiots. Granted, that last bit wasn’t really stated out loud, that was just an impression Binky observed and inferred from what little he knew of the stalwart snark invader.
“Uuuuuuhm, not exactly.” Scootaloo started-
“You mean my parents weren’t in love then?” Twistaloo asked having momentarily recovered some memory of her previous life, albeit lacking depth and range of cognitive complexity when observed through rose colored lenses.
Scootaloo wasn’t certain whether or not she should be more concerned for Twist or Binky. All of a sudden Scootaloo felt a thump, like a heartbeat.
“GASP! I felt that you little pervert.” Binky grumbled in accusatory tone that sounded like s/he was going to knock some-pony upside the head. Not to mention this was spoken rather clearly. Especially considering Binky had a candy-apple lollipop in his mouth, and not the kind typically used as a tongue depressant, nor was it your average jaw breaker on a stick as the case may be, the green lolly' in her mouth was one of the really kinky kinds of suckers that resembled a tootsie pop with the Cadbury, bon-bon, cordial, cherry, or caramel cream filling.
“Wait, I didn’t-” Scootaloo stopped. It only took Scootaloo a moment to realize Binky must have screwed up when severing their link. Given the delivery god’s record of service; incompetence was par for the course. It might also explain why the loyalties of her conscious ego state seemed to flip-flop on occasion, like between entering Sugarcube Corner and sitting down at the table. Then again, Diamond wasn’t exactly the best of frienemies on her worst days and it wasn’t like she owed Diamond Tiara any allegiance or stewardship beyond the assistance she offered her classmate earlier.
“Not you, her.” Binky pointed indicating Twist with a withering glare. Then, with the almighty force of exposition Binky explained the situation for those less than enlightened with gusto. “Anything Twist feels backlashes on to me, you know?’
“Cool! So if I pinch myself would you feel it?” Twist seemed rather excited to experiment with the limits of her new found power over the almighty god Binky. Like a cat that discovered canaries for the first time, she picked up a peppermint stick and shoved it up her nose so see if poking her brain like a piñata would give her any bright ideas. She had momentarily considered sticking the peppermint stick in one of her ears, but immediately dismissed that idea out of grasp because she wouldn’t be able to see what she was doing.
“If I punch her in the face would you feel it?” Diamond Tiara smirked with a determined look accompanied by an' evil grin as she momentarily contemplated her revenge, then almost felt guilty about it as she stole a glance towards Twistaloo. A being that currently seemed completely oblivious as she used a peppermint stick to pick at the inside of her nose while a bubble formed out the other nostril. Diamond almost felt guilty. But, the thought of retributive justice was one too enticing to pass up, especially after she watched Twist pull the pepermint stick out of her nose covered in slime with a daffy cross eyed look on her face, as if she’d discovered the last bit of gold on the planet.
Binky gave Diamond Tiara a half lidded stare “No! No-pony’s punching anyone. And-” Binks then pulled the lollypop out of his mouth and pointed it like the accusing wand of a conductor towards his first chair “FOR THE LOVE OF CANDYCANES, Get that stupid thing out of your mouth! You’ll get a staff infection you daffy horse’s asp.” Binky, currently occupying Diamond’s physical body and using it like a track suit, was of course referring to the poisonous snake as she proceeded to wrestle the peppermint stick out of Twist’s grasp.
“**GASP** you can’t say Ass! You’re not even a donkey.” Came a horrified voice from over by the cash register as another customer made an even more shocking revelation.
“The other one didn’t even wash her hooves before leaving the bathroom.” more hushed whispers shortly followed a third exclamation of “The tramps!”
Of course since no one could actually see Twistaloo, lacking a physical body and all, it appeared for all intents and purposes that Diamond Tiara was humping or grinding on the leg of a chair, while wearing a beanie, and gesticulating with a peppermint stick... along with a rather phallic lollipop in her mouth it was a wonder no one called her a horse.
Fortunately, the real Diamond Tiara lacked the imagination or cognitive complexity to perceive this or she would be mortified. Instead she was wearing an impish grin as she watched the other two earth ponies wrestle.
“Uh, boss…” Scootaloo ventured, despite knowing Binky was preoccupied. Under normal circumstances the anthropomorphic embodiment of death and his imperial arms (weapons that is) would go completely unnoticed unless they chose to interact within the confines of a niche group or appear out the corner of one’s eye.
In fact, by their very nature as Djinn, they should have been imperceptible to the naked eye unless the other person was magically gifted or extremely depressed to the point of being irritable or in pain. Which, given the nature of the dirty looks directed towards the Stalwart Snark Invaders, pretty much certified their audience was not in the best frame of mind. The whispers then seemed to stop as Sugarcube Corner fell into a void of silence so hollow you could hear a pin drop.
The silence, however, was short lived as the ‘hot crossed buns rendition of work your twerking (as performed by the Dust Bunny Space Men and Thrackerzod’) ring tone could be heard clear as day accompanied by Binky's seductive “Ah, You like that don’t you-” while grinding on Twist-a-loo and appearing to most everyone else to be completing (if not engaged in) an act of public indecency with a peppermint stick. This act was followed shortly by “Hullo! You’ve reached the awl mighty God Binky…alright…alright…okay.” when Diamond Tiara then seemingly pulled a red compact out of subspace, (no doubt in the dirty minds of those present for her grinding performance to powder the blush out of her clearly moon loving face) and was talking into it after the brief instrumental display of horniness. She, binky that is, then looked at Twist, who was in a prone, supine, missionary position beneath her god and - “Twist, we’re gone!” looking at Scootaloo “Scuttlebutt, escort McFattington here to-”
“Call me McFattington just one more time,” Enough was enough. And, Diamond wasn’t going to put up with this clown anymore as Binky started to wink out of the way of her cow punching assault, for lack of a better term, with a hastily prepared teleport.
“Oh no ya don’t! You’re not ditching me here with-.” Scootaloo complained indicating the harsh glares of the Sugar Cube customers as she dog piled onto the teleport. Something about being a spectral apparition made the speed of light much closer to a snails pace, or at the very least closer to the speed of sound.
Simultaneous cries of “Them” and “I dare you!” rang out as the four fillies magically flashed back into existence. Appearing in a park plaza somewhere in Canterlot proper the four fillies dropped with a whump sound known only to bags of flour and sacks of potatoes. Diamond wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t part of Celestia’s private garden.
“WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SO HEAVY!” Binky complained as he was feeling both the weight of everyone on top of him and the weight of everyone on top of Twist...who was still prone under the delivery god's mighty sheild.
“We all Just ate, you moron.” Diamond huffed, but managed to break free of the encumbrance of Scootaloo and Binky. If she didn’t know better she could have sworn Scootaloo intended to give her a black eye.
“Some of us more than others McFattington. What did you think would happen?” Scootaloo growled as she untangled herself from Diamond Tiara and Twist.
“Again!!! Again!” Twist certainly seemed to be enjoying herself like a toddler as she clapped her fore hooves together excitedly.
The fillies then quickly found themselves surrounded on all sides by guard.
“Damn! I knew this was a setup!” Binky farted, because he really was a butt faced god.
“Well, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree-”came a crisp clear voice from the shadows.
“Oh no, anyone but her.” Binky whined as his eyes opened wide enough to be filled by the light of the moon.
“Could it be?” Diamond asked her voice filled with awe.
“Hashtag learning, hastag wisdom, tweet, and trending…” the voice continued.
“Ooh Pretty!” Were the only words that came to Twist’s mind in that moment.
“!” Scootaloo’s tank instincts kicked in as she rushed forward to draw fire “Oh dear God she’s finally gone cray-cray… again.” Scootaloo definitely knew a sick smile when she saw one.
“Yes, Someone spare us from the anachronistic slang baby’s kick.” Binky grumbled. “Who are you supposed to be anyway, my mommy?” he asked their patron defiantly.
“Such a godly aura!” Diamond Tiara felt moved to bow before Princess Luna as deeply as she could on three legs.
“So Shiney!” Twist commented on Luna’s appearance, evidently the guardian of nightmares (because it sounds cooler than protector of dreams) was cut to the teeth in her armor, as Twist-a-loo was likewise motivated to bow before before the great lady of the evening.
“Hey! I’m right here you know. I don’t see you groveling at my feet.” Binky complained.
“Yeah. Well- Fake god’s don’t count, looser.” Diamond Tiara commented.
“Indeed, it is pressing. To be such a popular God with SOOO many followers to please.” Princess Luna then smirked evilly.
“Eh oh, I think some-pony’s in trouble” Twist commented.
“Why did you summon me here?” Binky asked indignantly.
“Oh yes, about that…” Luna began. It was only then that Diamond looked up as she realized Binky was still wearing her body.
Binky’s Friend: Pink Sound
Scene 2
[White Noise...]
“Why did you summon me here?” Binky asked indignantly.
“Oh yes, about that…” Luna began. A small black velveteen bag containing 3000bits surrounded in aura of gentian violet was tossed at Binky’s feet. A third of the contents spilling out as the shoestring tie came undone. It landed with a metallic shroot sound, roughly one foot from Binky, as a few of the escaped bits rolled a little ways, worming in assorted directions before only one remained on edge long enough to touch base with Binky’s right hoof.
Binky whistled “Whoa, looks like some-pony’s got a lot of wishes.” the anthropomorphic embodiment of death seemed to admire the mess of shiny bits scattered on the pavement before him more than any he had ever fished out of a wishing well.
“You‘re known as the pacifier. Am I correct?” Luna asked as if she was trying to confirm something.
“I go by many names, and have many faces.” Binky attempted to sound cryptic, but with Tiara’s voice it sounded more like a hollow peep.
Luna took a sidelong glance at Diamond Tiara and Twistaloo who were still prostrating themselves before her in a an almost playful downward dog position. “I can see that. You are aware ,,God’s Possession” isn’t a toy?”
“Hey! I got permission!” Binky stated this in a manner similar to a child from a broken home that had robbed Peter to pay Paul by asking Rock to play role.
Diamond’s ears seemed to perk up in shock at this statement and she quickly came to a standing position of attention “Don’t listen to this creep!” Diamond Tiara attempted to point at Binky with an accusing hoof and a withering glare. Sadly, her balance was destabilized due to her currently missing limb. Not to mention this lead to Diamond’s immediate downfall. As such, the filly’s astral form immediately fell flat on her snoot, and Diamond Tiara almost bit her tongue.
“Celestia Damn it!” Diamond pushed herself up with her left arm as she gritted her teeth, quite a feat considering she just ate pavement. “This screwball just wants to disguise himself using my body.” Diamond snarled in a manner hunched over as she tried to regain her footing in tripod mode.
“As you can see I have only one follower,” pointing at Tiara and Twist with her right arm “Besides, you know as well as I do, a God such as myself may have need of a paladin or blessed vessel at any time.” Binky failed to mention that the 'one follower' was not Diamond Tiara as that would definitely open up a can of ear worms he did not want hammered home in the royal Canterlot voice. “I can’t help it if her wish wasn’t more specific.”
Binky then quickly put down his right front leg as an extra set of eyeballs seemed to creep into existence on it with an asynchronous blink. To say Luna was surprised to see a physical manifestation of blight (or phage) in the frog and fetlock of the squirrelly young god’s hoof was disturbing. The fact that they wriggled around to get a better look at, if not to inspect the surrounding area with, soft signs of sapience and lightning fast reflexes gave her the chills. Then again if the limb was a late addition to the foals body, and judging by the specter of Diamond Tiara’s astral form that appeared to be the case, it wouldn’t be the first time a god tried to remain on the corporeal side of the far shore by playing corrupt a wish.
“Gaurds! Borderline. NOW!” Having captured the attention of the night guard Luna Continued “Concentrate your barriers around the pacifier.”
Two Pegasus ponies who had been circling overhead, namely Captain Tylor and Batsy Fuffentuft, came out of nowhere as they landed silently and created a defensive line between the delivery god and their Princess. The later of which lacking any semblance of discipline called out “Surprise Bitch!” Captain Tylor’s appearance wasn’t any more remarkable than Batsy’s, although he was wearing a smiley face as he approached.
“Hey! Listen! That’s no way to treat a friend.” Binky’s voice having the strangled quality of an annoying fairy (or amorous hedgehog) did nothing instill the princess with any level of sympathy for the devil.
“Thou art barely a louse and friend to none little smeerp-.” The chord of Luna’s voice rung cold with a half lidded stare. Binky backed away from the clearly deranged alicorn flight guard and their unhappy monarch in what was left of Diamond‘s body.
Considering a snake bite had left a certain filly’s body poisoned and terminally depressed, if not mostly dead on arrival, the flurry of movement and the revelation of additional unicorn reinforcements (charging up what looked a little more complicated than the telekinesis spell for airing dirty laundry) did nothing to rattle the anthropomorphic embodiment of death‘s nerves any further. “A little help here would be nice.”
An exasperated “Fine” was followed by a sigh of resignation. Scootaloo, having gone mostly unnoticed by the alicorn and the other guard due to her negative presence, lack of a soul, and more than likely the Excalibur face she was currently wearing, whether as a result of an intentional flaw in her design or the incomplete separation from Binky; was not a happy camper. Still, the fact remains, Luna had completely forgotten about the bastard weapon of her current target. The how of it all as complete a mystery as Pinkie Pie’s out of frame teleportation ability. Perhaps it was plot convenience that contrived this happenstance, if only to drop a duce on the titanic while taking note of how completely unnecessary butt holes to the underlying process.
Seeing as Luna had personally visited the cutie mark crusaders individually, in spite of her MANY followers, one might expect a little recognition of the stalwart snark invader. Not that it would have particularly mattered considering practically any weapon more spectacular than the belt of truth, or the mythril pebble of pig smiting, in the metaphorical hands of a god carried with it the awesome force of natural and logical consequences. Scootaloo grumbled something along the lines of “I hope you get a yeast infection.” Before transforming into something a bit more useful than a blackjack [in what would almost certainly be a pyrrhic victory for Binky (if not a draw)] when something unexpected happened.
Ideally, Scootaloo would have been more useful than a blackjack. Assuming, that is, the energy she materialized into between transitioning from spearhead to pegasus not been pushed out of the way by an unseen cosmic force. That is to say, if her weaponized form not been deflected as she folded like a paper doll all present would have seen some serious action. Which is why, with seemingly cosmic force, at a speed just short of the physics of bullet time lasers, when a horseshoe collared the unfinished blade and spiked it to the ground with an impact along her choil and ricasso all present continued as if nothing had happened.
Binky's Friend: Pink Sound
Scene 3
[Tinnitus: Leftovers From A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle in Equestria...]
There are many ways to become an alicorn. For Diamond Tiara this was a forlorn hope and at worst a cruel joke. Ironically, when she was picking sides oblivion and pragmatism were the furthest things from allies.
She was the worst kind of spy, the kind both sides knew was a double agent thus making any intelligence she provided practically worthless. She supposed she was fortunate that her condition made her virtually immortal even if she wasn’t invulnerable. And, she could still use magic provided she didn’t use more than seven simple spells or one major seven layered spell within fifteen minutes of the last series.
At least that was before the accident. The kind of accident that set up the worst kind of temporal loops, a homunculus loop of inescapable Stein’s gate limbo; that is unless she somehow managed to cross a dimensional gateway before- well, in all fairness, Discord‘s death was ZK paradox waiting to happen whether or not there was a winner of the death game.
Diamond’s branch of the reality tree was already braided into the tire swing of structured chaos and the cord was literally about to snap with both definitions of the word contradicting one another. Scratch that, the cord was the only thing holding the branch to the tree of life, and as that cord was slowly frayed down to its last thread before the whole system collapsed-- There was no amount of gorilla glue could restore the structured chaos her world relied upon for its very survival.
Even the concept of structured chaos was an oxymoron. Fortunately, she found a quick ally in Sunset Shimmer who was equally eager to get out of this hell hole and Discord’s twisted game of phone tag. But, in all fairness, she could literally rule the world at this point and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference what her species was.
Which was really sad because practically any idiot could become an Alicorn in her reality without much effort, all it required was solving a paradox you created while completing the work of someone else... then taking credit for the other pony's work while ruining the lives of your closest friends through betrayal and butt hurt. Yes, anyone could become an alicorn except her, because what could possibly be more paradoxical than someone with access to all the powers of God restrained by the straightjacket of a twisted game of cat and mouse. There just wasn’t enough time to pull off an alicorn ascension with the precious little time she had left… and Diamond knew this literally.
The academy city database title of Alchemist was a bit of a misnomer as the title of 'Backstabbing Blade' would have probably been more accurate. Not that it really mattered since Diamond Tiara wasn’t even her real name. If she ever located the cruel bastard that named her Blood Diamond she was going to vivisect them with her chainsaw of justice. Not to mention she would hardly classify internal bleeding, simulated tuberculosis, and occasional brain damage in exchange for the ability to use magic an equivalent exchange. The only reason she had the luxury of living as long as she had was a result of her ESPer ability to immediately repair most superficial damage and her ability regenerate her major organs within a matter of minutes. Unfortunately, since the ability relies on a good deal of perception for damage control, the use of painkillers it often caused more harm than good.
Truly, becoming the alicorn of Death and then spending the rest of her immortality malingering in another world like Twilight Sparkle was a pipe dream for Diamond Tiara in name only. Obviously, there was some element to the ascension process that she was missing and it clearly wasn't rich parents... or the dildo sticking out of Twilight's forehead because she'd totally heard about a pretty pink pegasus pony from the frozen north that recently ascended as well... granted the pegasus was 'soaking in coitus' with Twilight's brother at the time, whatever the heck that means (since the private investigator was pretty tight lipped on the subject). Then again, considering she was about to loop through another cycle of this death spiral she could do worse than opening a gateway to a parallel world.
After completing the third circle of the mandala she'd at least have a chance to move on from this dystopian world of technology driven hell. Once the portal opened, lit with a dull red light, Diamond used her magic to focus on the nihilistic cosmic forces of death needed to anchor her to the other world using a horseshoe as an electromagnetic homing beacon and threw it into the void. It also had the effect of attracting the attention of aliens from whole other word, and different dimension, the first time Diamond had attempted this... it wasn't any less spectacular or successful then; than it was now, and all it accomplished was alerting a race of predatory parasytes to the location of another world upon which to feed. The time loop still manifested, but each time a fraction of a second sooner, and each one connecting to a different world. Except for this last one which had an anchor.
As they approached silently from the rear with more grace than their captain and his latest subby, the bat winged pegasi Sunshine and Frolic acted as a boundary to the rear of the pink pony. One that should have effectively kept 'Binky' in his present location as three walls of blue light converged to create a prison of crystallized electricity that would lock the possessed body in place long enough for Luna to perform an exorcism…assuming aforementioned horseshoe hadn’t effectively killed the filly wearing the propeller beanie slowing only after it had severed her cervical vertebrae with the force of a butcher’s knife on its journey through her trachea, vocal cords, thyroid, and those three little bones that operated as an exoskeleton for her esophagus.
For one to argue the horseshoe had moved with the spin of an errant boomerang as it happened to both bloodlessly and quickly burst through the blood-bone barrier like a circular saw, in order to pin and collar a bolt of lightning would be exaggerating.
To say Diamond Tiara, the astral projection, was speechless as she observed the scene of her body’s encounter with the glue maker 'for want of a nail. With an intensely horrified look of troubled interest pasted onto her face as the light in her eyes slowly drew a blank stare, the warm glow of her features starting to cool as blood flowed from her neck meats with an evil hiss of a sprinkler or kinked hose before her body just sort of collapsed head first onto the broken and naked blade that had moments before resembled something akin to ball lightning. Becoming an arrowhead that was bent at a peculiar angle, sticking out of the ground, folded under the horseshoe that had slain 'Binky, while effectively stapling the horse shoe into the ground with impact fractures, did not make the scene of a rail spike (that would be Scootaloo) being effectively driven through the filly's head any less traumatic.
Diamond's three leged spectral apparition wanted to scream, mouth agape she should have screamed, if her consciousness wasn’t slowly fading like the world around her as it was enshrouded in ebon darkness… then there was a soft glow that seemed to envelop her as her body faded into transparency. Was this it, was this the light of the afterlife coming forth to carry her home, or-
“MUAH HA HA HA HA HA! I did it, I’m free! FREE AT LAST! Discord, Princess Luna, Celestia, and their holier than thou acolytes can go suck my lollypops in hell.” a familiar voice crowed in triumph. “End class my hairy butt. I’d like to see someone else figure out how to launch a missile blindfolded from 400 paces, let alone stop a lightning bolt and execute a seven layered spell with a blood rite.”
“Jeepers Binky, at least wait until you’re out of earshot before-” Scootaloo started to say as she rematerialized, that is to say converted back into energy before transmogrifying into a pony while she approached the source of maniacal laughter a few feet from where Diamond Tiara’s dead body had been moments before.
Just then, as a green cylinder of light and an electric blue triangle encased the dead corporeal body of Diamond Tiara in a crystal prism before it slowly vanished. Meanwhile across the way the leg on Diamond‘s extra celestial entity started to rematerialize. Scootaloo probably would have continued staring as the ectoplasm of the ghost transformed into the living flesh, but gulped when she realized Princess Luna and the night guard were still very much present.
“Binky!?” The filly seemed surprised.
“SHEEP HERDING PRIESTS! I knew this ship would happen…” The mage who would be an alicorn (if it weren’t for extenuating circumstances that kept her from leaving a stable time loop of course), in a alternate universe where you could literally make sense of nonsense, wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to be Scootaloo’s ‘sissy’ or ‘binky’ in this case.
The very thought sent chills down her spine and not in a good way. Naturally, her immediate thoughts on filly foolery were that she needed a perverted girlfriend like she needed a blackjack and a box of chicken nuggets. Fortunately, these thoughts were quickly halted as she was dog piled by Luna’s night guard. Who, whether by means magical or scientific managed to subdue their target and knock her unconscious.
It was at this moment that the other Diamond Tiara awoke in a pool of her own blood. She wasn’t suffocating, she was drowning in a manner similar to a fish in polluted waters. Only she was wallowing in muddy sand like a pig. If she could move she might have decided to crawl into a bathtub and finish the job. Trying to breathe, or at the very least move when your blood was on fire, your mouth was filled with grit, your intestines were being eaten alive, and every bone in your body felt broken was not exactly something one wanted to experience without something to dull the pain.
Diamond couldn’t even call for help, crying was about the limits of her current abilities, and being paralyzed did nothing to help her fall asleep as the adrenaline was keeping her at high alert. She was breathing, but she had no voluntary control over the process otherwise she would have held her breath until she could pass out or explode. She could blink and look around what appeared to be her bedroom. (And) Along with this ability came uncomfortable questions about whether or not the nightmare with Binky was preferable to the conscious awareness that she was obviously bitten by a snake, that she was effectively trapped in her own body, and she was crying.
‘Oh, just perfect!’ complained a hallowed voice that was creepy and weird and left Diamond so incredibly happy she wasn’t alone anymore when she let out an involuntary excited peep (with a flatulent smile on her face as she clicked her tongue) before her body started to spasm and cough and make other assorted wet noises. ‘How the bleep am I supposed to fix this smeerp, even if I do something her body will just die eventually anyway.’
There was a long pause, Diamond wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. It was obvious they weren’t connected well enough to communicate on even the most basic emotional level. She could hear Binky’s thoughts, but considering he was a shallow pool and she was a dry well there wasn‘t much in the way of witty dialog filtering around like a butterfly in the sky. Diamond Tiara briefly wondered why Binky didn’t talk to himself like a normal crazy person so she wouldn’t be alone anymore when she involuntarily gasped.
‘I got it! Ha ha I know exactly what I should do now’ Binky’s excitement was contagious, even if it was short lived when he started projecting his thoughts again ‘Fun ways to die. So many fun ways to die… fun ways to dye aye-eye, so many fun ways to die!’ Binky continued to sing this song to himself as Diamond rolled her eyes with a resigned grimace. She’d be laughing hysterically if she could. one thing was certain about her final thoughts before the facsimile of death claimed her…or at the very least let her go. What she was thinking started with an F and ended with U. The only thing worse than that stupid Fyuckking song was the imagery accompanying it...
Binky’s Friend: Pink Sound
Scene 4
[ Insonica...]
Plot: After granting Diamond Tiara’s death-wish, the almighty god ‘Binky’ needs a new body while Blood Diamond recovers from her injuries and settles on Scootaloo as the next best thing.
“Hurry! We need to get our butts out of here before the cops show up.” A scraggly Minotaur named Brigand shouted. He was out of breath, owing to the fact he was carting a wheeled suitcase through the back alley’s of Academy City, and three hairs from collapsing in the street. It’s possible that this briefcase contained the remains of the World Tree Satellite that once orbited the city. A satellite that used a diabolical calculus to justify the morality of much of the experimental research conducted by Queen Chrysalis in the first utopian metropolis upon which much of that research was founded on. The satellite that used trigonometry to predict every possible coincidence, including one scheduled to coincide with the upcoming solar eclipse.
The rest of Brigand’s gang consisted of a ragtag team of dragons, griffons, and gargoyles wearing similar (if not matching) black pinstripe suits. Regardless, there was no reason there should be a need for this many henchmen to pull off such a sensitive if not simple job. Especially given it was just the one aluminum suitcase with 180 pounds of retired sputnik hardware. Hardware that had long been outclassed in the 30 odd years since the satellite was commissioned. A satellite that was no longer running the city from the shadows, and which had been similarly decommissioned, without telling the population at large.
The reason Brigand’s henchmen were running through the streets like a team of wild horses, instead of prowling the streets in an unmarked van, had to do with a traffic jam. Which , shockingly enough, actually is an unusual occurrence in Academy City. After going down a maze of blind alley’s in the red light of the sunset's shadow, the members GROUP slowed but didn’t stop as they took a moment to gain their bearings. Such an action would have been easier with a GPS or absolute direction but they needed to remain off the grid and undetectable from Queen Chrysalis, her Pegasus army, and prying eyes.
Of course, being built like a gorilla with the body of a tank did not make Brigand any faster or lighter on his feet. Nor did it make him any more athletically gifted than the other members of his crew. And, owing to the fact he could barely drag the satellite behind him at a speed roughly equivalent to a mile in 20 minutes did nothing to help him take the lead as the others scouted ahead of him to find the quickest escape route through the labyrinth of backstreets in the arcade. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Brigand found himself separated from the herd by at least thirty yards and was startled with an innocent sound from the mouth of babes.
“I beg your pardon.” With these words an orange Pegasus filly sort of flittered into existence. She wasn’t within his line of sight in the moments leading up to her appearance, she just sort of appeared, then disappeared like a ghostly apparition.
Before he responded to her prying din of curiosity (like a cat who found her canary) she (the filly that is) vanished again only to reappear behind the cleverly disguised remains of the satellite, and by clever, a conspicuously obvious aluminum trunk that rattled with silicon, gold, fiberglass, plastics, and lead as it's scarred wheels rolled over potholes and other evidence of erosion (or perfunctory attempts at maintenance) was far from obvious.
“WHat!?” Brigand was still processing the speed of the humming bird filly’s jump from line of sight to immediately behind him in less time than it took him to blink. There was a slight tug on the suitcase as she tried to lift, twist, wrestle, and whip the trunk out of the grip of his hand to no avail. All that effort managed was a heavy rustle of the metaphorical box of snicker-doodles.
Then, after thinking a moment (The orange pegasus miming the action by rubbing her chin when a strategically placed lamp post lit up over her head like a halo), Brigand knew he was in trouble. Placing her hoof on the aluminum trunk, both Pegasus, the trunk, along with the satellite's hard drive and it’s contents, seemed to magically vanish. “Hey!” Brigand’s scouts all turned around immediately upon realizing they were unable to hear their bovine master's labored breathing only to see the commotion. One of brigand’s scouts, and probably the one most familiar with magic, was able to put two and two together immediately “A Teleporter!”
“Really Gilda? You think!” Came a sarcastic reply from one of the others.
Scootaloo, having reappeared in front of the gathered formation of black suited thugs whistled. “Yoo-hoo, Over here.” The Pegasus was now seated on top of the trunk attempting to look coy. She then called attention to her uniform “Judgment! Should I even have to explain why I’m here?”
Judgment was a junior detective agency run by Antiskill, Academy City’s local law enforcement. It was essentially a ridiculously overpowered ROTC program filled with super powered teenagers given the authority of campus police and peace officer service training among the various educational facilities throughout the city. Given this knowledge the thugs immediately pulled their guns and pointed them at Scootaloo. She teleported behind most of the group before literally tap dancing on the least threatening looking member of the group, forcing them to ground, before using the famed ‘boot to the head’ technique in order to knock out seven more in one blow…
It‘s probably best not to ask how easy the task of epic pwnage was achieved using the secrets of pony fu, waif fu, and horse shoe. As the details explaining the kinetic mastery of this art are beyond the comprehension of minds still processing how the viscosity of pony hooves work in conjunction with electromagnetism and weak force to game the physics of lift.
“Hey! That’s no way to treat a friend.” Scootaloo said as she used her psychic powers to teleport several knitting needles into the suits of the fallen toughs like tent stakes. The bandoleers she had strapped to her legs for easy access quickly liberated themselves of the assorted stainless steel senbon. The projectiles simultaneously relocating themselves in time and relative dimension of space with the speed of a nail gun. Sure, two of the thugs managed to get away while Scootaloo was distracted…but at least “Low tech hand guns? Wow. They’re definitely not from around here.”
As puzzling as the most useless weapons ever conceived in the face of magic and telekinetic powers were, Scootaloo’s inquiry of the fallen radicals was interrupted by a phone call- “Hello? This is Scootaloo- what‘cha gon’na do?” three guesses as to which ring tone she was using.
“Uh, Skeets.” The voice sounded tired and maybe a bit disappointed.
“Sissy!” Scootaloo had to admit she was surprised. Rainbow Dash literally never called her, ever.
“I need a favor from you. Where are you?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Well, I’m…”Scootaloo was unable to complete her debriefing because Rainbow Dash seemed pensive if not repentant.
“Oh! Right. You’re probably still at work. Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you then.” Rainbow Dash hushed.
“N-no, no problem. What’s the favor?” Scootaloo stuttered. She would do anything for her sissy. 'Literally' anything for the object of her obsession. Even if it meant sacrificing her life because Rainbow Dash made her feel whole. This was almost an irony considering her idol was suicidal.
“I found out there’s going to be a surprise room inspection, I can’t make it back in time. I need you to hide a few of my personal things.” Scootaloo briefly wondered if Rainbow Dash expected her to hide anything particularly naughty… because she’d totally inspected their room pillar to post several times while on assignment and the worst secret she had discovered __so far__ was that her sissy liked to read Daring Do novels.
Maybe Rainbow Dash had a hidden cubby hole she didn’t know about with a cache of smut. Scootaloo could only hope, she read Twilight fan-fictions all the time where they did 100 pages of relationship building and character development before it devolved into 50 shades of pandering and meaningless sex. Meanwhile, all she could interpret from her beloved’s diary was that it was filled with entries about how she was crushing on someone called Purple Smart.
Then again, Rainbow’s journal entries could have been about wanting to crush someone named Purple Heart. Seeing as how Rainbow had taken to using the cash symbol to represent ’us’ for crush the odd shorthand obviously held some romantic significance for the pegasus. At least that was how Scootaloo had interpreted the odd cipher when transcribing it for Queen Chrysalis. Who was she to question her majesty’s interest in sissy’s personal life.
“Sissy, are you out too?” Scootaloo asked as she sat down on top of the aluminum trunk containing the remains of the pilfered satellite. The cold metal transferring the heat of her backside like a hand warmer that began to crystallize.
“Nevermind! I’ll just ask someone else.” Rainbow Dash hung up.
“Sissy!?” rather than thinking her beloved’s actions rude, Scootaloo was frustrated “Aaugh! How could I let sissy turn to someone else for a favor?” at the very fraction of a second she decided to teleport back to the student dorms the aluminum case was pulled out from under her. An action that literally caused her to fall flat on her ass skinned bandoleer.
“Huh?” The dumbfounded look on her face was quickly replaced by one of pain when the back end of a teaspoon materialized and launched in her arm “Ow!-the hell.” Scootaloo winced as she drew her attention away from the bloody implement, regained her footing, and drew her attention back to the cause of her misery.
“Just who the hell do you think you are?” Asking questions was really a formality, most ponies could sleuth out each other’s names on sight alone due in large part to observation skills and a bit of extra sensory perception “Silver Spoon.”
A grey mare, roughly the same age, with a powdered mane and silver spoon shaped cutie mark (similar to the one digging into Scootaloo’s arm) surrounded by flames was happily crouched on top of the trunk Scootaloo had warmed up for her, the aluminum case containing the remains of the World Tree Satellite. Carefully guarded, hidden by shadows that made her look particularly creepy and weird where the sun don’t shine, and with an unbraided mess of white horsetail cascading over the metal barrel of the aluminum mystery box Silver Spoon decided to gloat...
“My word. You figured that out quickly, didn’t you, feather brain?” Silver Spoon then smiled a very fox like grin as Scootaloo back peddled before she was impaled by the fat end of a another utensil, this one a soup spoon that clipped past her ear, and which was meant to rip out her eye with the precision of a melon-baller. “Leave it to the same type of ESPer to understand their disadvantage so quickly.” The light cascaded off her spectacles menacingly as the lenses seemed to flare with piercing artificial light. Artificial light generated by an everyday carry flashlight.
Silver Spoon’s sick smile was far from infectious. The look on her opponents face, even hidden by menacing shadows, put Scootaloo on guard. She clutched at the spoon turned bloody stake in her arm and winced as she noticed the blood starting to pool around her sleeve. Silently the young pegasus prayed it hadn’t pierced an artery.
“My teleportation power is called move-point,” Silver spoon continued -“it’s about as different from yours as teleportation magic in general. But, unlike you, I can use both magic and telekinesis. As a matter of fact, I don’t actually have to touch an object with my hooves or manipulate it with my magic to relocate it or orient it in space. Now, don’t you think that‘s special?”
The question Silver Spoon asked was rhetorical, she didn’t actually expect Scootaloo to answer. Although, to be fair, the orange pegasus was definitely beginning to suspect someone was 'special' and it wasn’t in the complementary sense of the word given the blue light of the approaching thunderstorm. And given the fact her opponent seemed to now favor a dark scepter she was waving around like a wand with all the practical application of a torch in broad daylight...it was sunset after all.
“It’ll take more than hocus pocus, hoodoo, and snooty words to defeat me!” Scootaloo huffed with a snort. The Judgment officer, assuming you could consider the young ruffian turned street angel a peace officer at this point, was itching for a fight. And, so, what she thought she would do was rush the four eyed menace with all the care of a bull in a china shop.
This was not a very well thought out plan as Silver Spoon used her psychic powers to lift the fallen victims of Scootaloo’s ‘boot to the head’ like rag dolls. Before immediately using said rag dolls as zoot suit wearing meat shields and blunt force projectiles.Sadly, while these living dead-weights were easily dodged the same could not be said of the knitting needles Scootaloo had used to pin the now unconscious gangsters to the ground. Silver Spoon had managed to simultaneously call all of the sharp pointy objects to the frog of her left hoof with all the grace of ferrofluid in contact with an earth magnet.
Even with bits of fabric attached to the senbon this was quite an intimidating site to behold. It was almost like a needlepoint pompom in the hands of a deranged cheerleader. Assuming said cheerleader was sitting seductively in the shadows, on top of a metal suitcase, with a strategically placed flashlight highlighting her features like a camp counselor telling a spooky story…
Who knew she could also throw out a barrage of needles like a missile launcher quick as a bunny?
Silver Spoon’s ability to multitask was quite impressive, especially in that instant when you realize sometimes diplomacy is better achieved with an axe. Sure, the missiles missed their intended target because of ‘stupid’ apparently. And, while admittedly, Silver Spoon was unable to compensate for the fact that her winged opponent was able to dodge by teleport. If there was one thing the sadistic fiend could be proud of, the rag dolls had been sufficiently converted to voodoo pin cushions. Which meant lots of paperwork for the junior detective the following morning. And of course, everyone knew paperwork had to be filled out long hand at 20 words per minute. The pegasus would be in the office all day, like an in school suspension. Silver Spoon could just imagine the agonizing torture.
Within an instant Scootaloo was in her face. The pegasus appearing only a hair’s breath away from Silver Spoon's goggles. As evidenced by the fire in her breath which fogged up the lenses of her glasses when the orange pegasus glared daggers at the nasty little mare that had taken a shot at her. “Like I said, it will take more than that to stop me ya Ho-”
Scootaloo was about to say horses patootie or something ‘roughly’ similar but she hadn’t accounted for Silver Spoon’s EDC flashlight. Observational skills aside, that darn flashlight was about as heavy as a blackjack and twice as deadly. At roughly the size and weight of a sheleighleigh it was no surprise Scootaloo not only found herself nearly unconscious in that instant, but she would be nursing a nasty bruise that would smart like a light that never come.
“Like I told you, I don’t have to touch an object or manipulate it with magic in order to relocate it.” Silver Spoon got up off of the trunk that held remains of the fallen satellite. Looking over her conquered foe with a sly smirk that promised much pain silver spoon giggled as she imagined what was was going to do with that flashlight when- she glanced up and all the color immediately drained from her face. She had seen it out the corner of her eye, obviously but now that the ghostly, gaunt, three legged figure approached she could see it, that thing, for whatever it was- “No, that’s that's im-impossible.” Silver Spoon backed away tripping over her feet and the metal suitcase that held the remains of the world tree satellite.
“Wai-hello there little home-wrecker.” The walleyed pink pony with a beanie and arguably lavender mane accentuated with white highlights smiled cutely…or it might have been cute if blood wasn’t dripping from the corners of her mouth.
“Diamond- I eh he heh …” Silver Spoon Gulped nervously as she eyed her fare weather friend. Something about her eyes were wrong, a void of chaos and oblivion. Silver Spoon found herself cowering behind the case that had been holding the satellite’s remains as if it could protect her from the three legged pony that approched with a clumsy gait. A pony wearing a blood soaked fluffy-fluff blue handkerchief tied strategically around her neck to stem the bleeding as her lungs and stomach filled with a metallic bile.
She hobbled towards the two teleporters.
“Shhh! I don‘t blame you for what you did.” Whether Diamond winked as a method of easing the tension or otherwise, possibly expecting Silver Spoon to stop breathing altogether, the effect was ultimately the same. There was a heavy and oppressive feeling. One feeling that exhibited itself with the force more powerful than the others. A fear almost as nerve wracking and spine tingling as if some-pony had walked over her grave. A fear that ultimately caused a chill that ran down Silver Spoon’s spine and caused all the hairs of her body to stand on end... while last night's alph alpha pellets dropped like a microphone.
“How did you- I didn’t…” Words escaped the sort of terror Silver Spoon was feeling. Her heart was beating rapidly and her mouth was dry. It was as if someone had decided to boil the essence of all the terror and evil in the world and managed to melt it into a vessel roughly the size of a stock pot.
Scootaloo, sporting quite a different reaction from Silver Spoon was not so much terrified as she was perplexed “Binky!? Wow, you’re still alive, Oh my go-”
“Shut you’re filthy whore mouth slave; the important people are speaking.” Diamond spat some blood to the ground which seemed to sizzle and steam where it landed.
“Bitch! I am the protagonist of this story” Scootaloo Snarled in disgust.
“Oh! I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over all of the Bucks I don’t give.” Diamond, or rather Binky, snarked.
“Yeah, and I told you I don’t require your services anymore.” Scootaloo hissed.
Silver Spoon, having regained some confidence after having to re-grow her spine, propped herself up with the metal suitcase and glanced back and forth between the other two half dead ponies in the alley before reaching an epiphany. “I don’t want to dictate your love life or anything, but I think the two of you are a couple of sluts.”
“WHat!?” there was a simultaneous cry of indignation coming from the other two ponies as they prepared to dog pile the known cheater among those assembled.
“Bye!” Silver Spoon and the illegally obtained satellite parts chose that instant to vanish in a blink leaving the two traitors to their lovers spat.
Scene 5
[Insonica (part 2)]
Elsewhere in Academy City...
Apple Bloom in appearance only, because everything from the neck up had been replaced by an alien symbiote a couple days prior, stared at the television with an almost autistic fascination. News reports mentioning missing persons from across Equestria after the recent meteor shower were the topic of interest “Wan Oh Nah, Why knew na, Whine own AAGH! dang it, I’m ah learn the fiddle bafore I catch a southern drawl.”
Getting used to her new body did not include much more than a voice box and an appearance template. The dog, of course, didn’t make it. Being the first and most easily available source of meat for the former child prodigy turned high school Equish professor meant her usefulness was at an end the moment she became said child in appearance only’s first victual sacrifice.
Not quite Apple Bloom’s survival was contingent upon passing herself off as Apple Bloom. Obviously, this was made all the more difficult seeing as she was living with a law enforcement officer working for anti-skill, the Academy City police force. Naturally, Apple Jack would have definitely made for a much better host considering her size was closer to that of the previous one (host that is). Unfortunately, that plan went to hell in a hand basket pretty quickly given that Apple Jack had to (more or less) be critically injured and hospitalized in order for Anti-Bloom to escape with her life after the host’s sibling realized something was wrong… in hindsight, however, Apple Bloom’s replacement probably could have found a better place to hide the dog than the nearest hall closet.
Given that the individual currently fostering her was a wall eyed pegasus with all the observation skills of a turkey in a rain storm, the young carnivore decided she didn’t want to tempt fate further, choosing instead to stick with the risk she was given.
Besides, given her current set of circumstances, no-pony questioned the legitimacy of her presence at Princess Luna’s Center For Kids Who Can’t Magic Good (An Wanna Do Other Stuff Good Too), where the vittles were literally a stone’s throw away and easier to manipulate than the dog apparently. Even the play-dough cookies at the school were delightful. Couldn’t say much for the company though, through some bizarre if not obscene miracle she was not called upon to prove her knowledge of the Equish language. The class she was teaching…or attending given how little she understood pony culture, was literally a front for training meat-sheilds the tactics and strategy necessary for the assassination of alicorns. Specifically, Celestia and another pony that the extra terrestrial was pretty sure was a dead given her knowledge of marenatomy.
Then again, as every pragmatist was three hairs away from being a solipsist, anything the alien saw as an unsuccessful adaptation ceased to exist on principal. And, Love (a concept understood by many if not all five year olds) was a weakness easily exploited.
Of course, given that Apple Bloom (in name alone) had first hand knowledge of the death of said princess (at least one of them) assuming she had full use of aforementioned princess’s body prior to the creatures death, this was a moot point. Whether a result of either complications of child birth, or a miscarriage of the foal the host was carrying at the time, it mattered very little to the parasyte from another planet how the body came to rejected her, she just knew that continuing to live with the complications produced by the afterbirth was unsustainable.
She, the parasite that is, briefly considered keeping the offspring for future experimentation but given that her life support system was more or less dead on arrival her first priority was to find a new host body, which caused no end of disaster. Something about her pregnant host had made compatibility with a male body an unfortunate impossibility as there was evidently a series of necrotic blood, tissue, liver, and plumbing issues that made using one of the flight guard for more than a few hours of flight (before the body literally crashed from hypothermic exposure among other problems) an unfortunate rejection as far as practical utility was concerned.
Her current host was more or less someone in the wrong place at just the right time, as is typical of most insects smattering the windshield of a moving vehicle. Only in this case the vehicle was an automated train and for whatever aesthetic reasons both ends looked like a caboose, but were in reality porticol vestibules. Naturally, the observation deck of said train was bound to attract the interest of certain youths with a sense of adventure, and since riding the train was almost like flying someone was bound to do something very stupid (like hanging out an open window with the eagerness of a puppy) while traveling at speeds close to 150 odd miles per hour…
The splat of the zombie sky blue Pegasus against the ironically developed marine windows, traveling in the opposite direction at mach speeds (complete with maggots that somehow managed to infest the body) as it decomposed in flight (save for the few organs needed to keep the alien parasite alive, naturally) was an unexpected surprise … especially given that the pony formerly known as Apple Bloom was spitting out maggots and attempting to wipe the putrid rotting corpse juices out of her eyes. A horrendous task given that her eyes were burning and she was covered in a brackish red slime that was a few shades darker than something vermillion or burgundy should be.
After crawling back into the portico of the train Apple Bloom made several choking, hacking, and wheezing sounds that could easily be interpreted as reminiscent of a cat hacking up a hairball. This was followed by a whooping cough a few spit takes and her lollygagging in the sense that she was ruminating with dry heaves.
Apple Bloom was in no condition to notice much of anything, and her lack of observation skills was readily apparent when the alien parasite disengaged itself from the remains of the pegasai’s maggot infested corpse.
On the train‘s windshield, a creature now vaguely resembling a gelatinous Antarctic sea spider covered in snot took advantage of the filly’s distraction. As opportunity is often in want of presenting itself, the creature separated from the rest of the bloody pegasus pancake and crawled through the open window. As the ‘thing’s’ body was little more than a life support system for the creature inside, it’s appearance was more extra terrestrial than pony. Comprised of a few broken ribs (held together with necrotic muscle tissue it was using for added mobility like legs), another part of the creature’s snake like appearance was there to stabilize what remained of the heart, lungs, and stomach (which was being used as a temporary bladder until it could find a more suitable host to nest in). And, who could be better suited to host an alien predetor than the child with a screaming brain. The filly formerly known as Apple Bloom managed to squint open one eye long enough to know the cause of her future demise.
The last thing she saw before she blacked out and the creature latched onto her face to implant it’s putrid wing wang down her throat was Academy City’s shining glass jewel, among the sea of skyscrapers, in the distance. Endymion's tower stood before her like a stairway to heaven, mocking her for attempting to fly.
Oh well, C'est la vie.