Chapters Lesson 1: Keep a Bit of Mystery
The Ivory Tower dated back to the Equestrian Reineighsance, when it was built to protect Equestrian knowledge from the then-impending griffin invasion. Only the latest research, the best books, finest art, and greatest minds were allowed to take refuge in the flawlessly white stronghold. For the next few decades, it retained this prestige, and many a scholar dreamed of creating a work deemed worthy of being added to its hallowed halls. Later generations, however, came to view it as a sign of arrogance and the hoarding of knowledge from those who needed it most. So the building was stripped, and its contents found their way into museums and libraries. The building was reduced to a stark white skeleton on the ocean shore.
Once the nearby city council came up with the funds, the building would be inspected and reopened as a tourist attraction. Until then: meet the new king. Same as the old king.
“Nein, nein. It is you, dummkopf, who do not understand.” Zugzwang, criminal mastermind of his time, took a long draw of his silverleaf cigarette to calm himself before continuing his rebuttal.
The imprudent young stallion before him, though, apparently thought this was an invitation to keep on speaking. “But this prototype will prove to be more effective than any sniper rifle seen before. You can-”
“Schweigen.” Zugzwang narrowed his eyes. “The word I am hearing, the only word, the one you do not seem to realize you are even saying, is ‘prototype’. Prototype. It means, ‘not ready.’”
The young unicorn’s eyes widened. “S-sir?”
“Patience, patience, patience. Let your superiors finish their wunderschön rifle first, and then steal it and bring it to me.” Zugzwang twirled his cigarette in his golden telekinetic grip, drawing a smoke ring. “Ve have little time before the auction. My customers do not want to see speculations.” He turned his attention to the line of ponies waiting outside his makeshift office door. “Und if that applies to any of you, I suggest you leave now.”
A small white pegasus mare with a red and white mane grabbed the ears of the burly twin ponies next to her.
“H-hey!” one of the twins said.
“You heard him. I told you this was a bad idea,” she hissed, flying out the door.
The young unicorn gritted his teeth and followed them. Zugzwang turned to the blue earth pony next to him and gestured with his head slightly. The blue earth pony nodded and also left.
“Next?” Zugzwang asked.
The gray unicorn in an impeccable suit who stepped up next was a very familiar face. “We have acquired another 18 cases.”
“Wunderbar. Next?”
The light blue pegasus sauntered up to the desk. With a grand flourish, she pulled out a set of photographs and placed them on the table.
Zugzwang held the photos up in his telekinesis. “Hmm. Good, good…” He pulled one photo out and tossed it down on the table. “You faked this shot.”
The blue pegasus laughed and tugged her light pink mane nervously. “Nothin’ gets past youse, huh?”
“All will be forgiven… if you didn’t forget my special request.” Zugzwang’s black eyes met the photographer’s.
The sassy mare smiled again and pulled a business envelope from her camera bag with another flourish. “Full color. Max quality.”
Zugzwang pulled one photo from the envelope and smiled. “Somehow I always had trouble getting him to pose for me.”
“Couldn’ make ‘im smile for the camera, though.” The pegasus swayed her hips. “I ain’t used to failure there.”
“Das macht nichts. This is more authentic.” Zugzwang slid the photo back in the envelope. “You will be paid quite well.” He gestured to a pale earth pony with a sack of bits both on his flank and sitting next to him.
“Ooh, shiny golden bits. Come to mamma.” The pegasus glided over.
“Next?” Zugzwang peered at the line.
A trio of red, white, and blue unicorns approached. But before they could say anything, the sound of bells filled the room.
“Are those… sleigh bells?” somepony in the line asked.
Zugzwang frowned. Jingle bells? …In May?
“All you in line, you might want to start getting out of the way.” He extinguished his cigarette in a nearby ashtray and moved to the side himself.
A few ponies shifted to the side, but those already in the doorway seemed reluctant to lose their place. The bells got louder and louder.
Then, a big red sleigh smashed through the doorway, scattering creatures left and right. One unlucky pony lay writhing on the rug, one leg bent at an odd angle.
The sleigh pulled to a stop in front of Zugzwang’s desk. Several wrapped packages were piled in the back. In the driver’s seat was a young pegasus mare with a gray coat and a long curly blond mane. Her tail was straight but no less luxurious, and she was wagging it like a happy puppy. Her cutie mark was a honey jar and a milk jug.
“You know that Honey’s on her way,” she sang, tossing the tassel of her strange red hat behind her shoulder. “And she’s got lots of toys and goodies on her sleigh…”
Zugzwang looked from her, to the pony she’d run over, then back to the sleigh, frowning. “May. It’s May. Not December. What is the meaning of this, Honey Words?”
Honey bounced the white ball of her tassel up and down. “I just had such a wonderful haul, it felt like Hearth’s Warming had come early this year, and I wanted everypony to share my joy!”
“Feeling real joyful right now…” the injured pony moaned.
Zugzwang jerked his head towards him. “You, Swallowtail, und you three. Get him somewhere safer.” The various ponies moved to do his bidding. He returned his attention to Honey Words. “Your flair for the dramatic never wavers, does it mein freund?”
“Aw, don’t think of it as drama, Zugzwang… Zugzwang.” She giggled as she said his name. “More like an outward representation of-”
“Ja, ja. What is so worthy of celebration?”
Honey Words pulled her silly red hat off and tossed it into the sleigh. “Ready to open your presents, then?” She flew over the sleigh and pulled out a shiny green box. “How about this one?”
Zugzwang grabbed both it and Honey in his golden telekinesis and pulled them down. The green wrapping paper peeled off, revealing a cardboard box. He opened it and pulled out a silvery garment.
“I call these therma cloaks,” Honey said, pulling the jacket on and modeling it. “Super resistant to all kinds of temperature changes- within reason, I mean. You still don’t want to be set on fire wearing one of these.” She chuckled and folded it up. “There’s eight of them total.”
“I’m familiar with the concept.” Zugzwang pulled another one in front of his eyes. “Never seen one made in this material.”
“Next present!” Honey Words pulled out a long thin tube and handed it to him. “Can you guess what’s inside?”
Zugzwang shook it a bit, noting the rattle. “Four bottles of wine, stored end-to-end in an effort to fool me.” He brought the package closer to his nose. “Blufeld Riesling. A taste of home. Though I prefer red wine to white.”
Honey squealed like a school filly. “You are amazing.”
“Um, sir?” One of the ponies who had been in line asked.
“Don’t test me,” Zugzwang said curtly. “Hearth’s Warming Morning is no place for business.”
Those waiting for an audience took the hint and started to shuffle off.
Honey lowered a smaller box from the sleigh. “Here’s something I think you’ll really like for your auction.”
Zugzwang unwrapped it and pulled out six small jars. Each had several small orange cubes inside.
“Gnaw on one chew for an hour of extra magical abilities,” Honey Words said. “I’ve tried them myself; they’re a bit disorienting, but I could fly better than ever before and even make clouds freeze with pure willpower-”
“Honey.”
“Mmm hmm?”
Zugzwang set the jar down and sighed. “Today, the thermal cloaks and magical gelatins. Before, the explosive gemstones, the hypnotic flute, the invisible paint… I don’t care what your talent is. You say you just scrounge things here and there, but you cannot find what is not to be had.” Zugzwang gestured to the pile of presents. “One miracle, I can believe. But so many? What is your secret, really?”
Honey slowly drew one hoof through the air. “The magic-”
“-of friendship, ja, ja. But how does one find such friends?”
Honey stared at him blankly for a moment.
“Not ready for the question, mein freund?”
Honey sighed. “Okay… I guess I can tell you one of my secrets.” She hopped over the sleigh, rustled around in the bags a bit, then trotted back around, holding a plastic vial. Inside the vial, several very small red worms swam in light purple goo.
“Have you ever heard of cutie pox?” Honey asked. “Well, this is a special strain of it. I got it from a virologist I dated-”
“You are answering my question by raising more questions? Wunderbar.”
“It-it’s more likely for it to happen once, right? Well, instead of making random cutie marks appear on the victim’s body, this strain just repeats the subject’s cutie mark over and over… essentially forcing them to do their job and nothing else.”
“Ah.” Zugzwang carefully took the vial in his telekinesis. “And so that is what you want me to believe now? You force ponies to excel under the influence of this?”
“Yes. To make this haul in particular, I found one hopeless nerd, a scientific genius,” Honey explained. “Lonely and friendless, all too happy to respond to… attention.” She smiled. “But he’s run out, now.”
“Out?”
“When I last saw him, his body was severely emaciated due to his brain trying to eat him alive in order to process all the equations coursing through him. His hooves twitched in an effort to create, but he couldn’t even stand up, so he had to tell me to do everything. When it became obvious that his ideas were coming faster than he could communicate them, I told him I was leaving him forever and he wept— not because of the breakup, but because he needed me to fulfill the experiment portion of his talent.” Honey shook her head. “But it’s not in vain. Now Hearth’s Warming has come early all thanks to him!”
Zugzwang laughed. “Yes, yes it has. And a happy Hearth’s Warming it is. Well played, mein freund.”
Honey tilted her head to look up into those fantastically endless voids in Zugzwang’s black eyes. “I learned from the very best.”
***
Meanwhile, in the nearby Coastal City, it was another dark and stormy night.
Raindrops bounced off sidewalks and streamed down the identical windowpanes of the tall skyscrapers. Regularly spaced lampposts created pools of light that stood in stark contrast to the rest of the street. They were a silly gesture right now; anypony with brains was snug inside their homes.
That’s where Shadow Skip desperately wished he was now. He’d light a fire and toast a dozen marshmallows. Sounded heavenly.
Instead he was putting his talent to work, dashing from one dark place to another, sometimes running, sometimes taking the short flights for which he was named. The heavy rain had soaked his feathers until they were nearly useless; normally he’d put oil on them before going out, but he’d been surprised…
Shadow Skip crashed through an extra heavy flow of water to duck under a shop awning. Panting, he tried to listen for hoofsteps, but the rain and thunder were just too loud.
Maybe… maybe he’d lost him. Shadow Skip hadn’t seen or heard any sign of his pursuer; maybe it was just paranoia…
A loud click came from behind him. Shadow Skip didn’t give himself time to think what it might be; he launched forward, wings flapping, urging his tired muscles to lift his water-soaked body one more time.
Something heavy slammed into his head, making him sway into the nearest building. He managed to hit the building hooves first and push off, propelling himself higher. His head throbbed, but still he climbed towards the clouds. Just a little further; that earth pony couldn’t catch him in the air-
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadowy figure clamber up the outside of a fire escape. No, how did he even get so high-
His pursuer leapt at him. Slow as he was, Shadow Skip couldn’t dodge; the pony landed on top of him. Shadow Skip screamed as he was slammed into the ground with the extra weight; a crunching sound came from his chest, and a strange-tasting liquid flowed over his tongue. Blood. He was bleeding. He just prayed it was from his mouth and not his lungs.
Rough hooves grabbed Shadow Skip’s foreleg and rolled him over. Rain fell in his face and mouth as he cried in pain. His attacker loomed over him, and a bolt of lightning briefly glinted off his cold gray eyes.
Shadow Skip inhaled sharply, then gasped at the new stab of pain in his lungs. “P-please don’t kill me.”
The earth pony raised a baton and slapped it against the ground. “Is that what Star Scoop said to you? Or Golden Shield? What did you answer then?”
Shadow Skip crossed his forehooves over his head and whimpered. “No, please, that was an accident-”
“Right. Just like this is an accident.” The baton came down with a crack on Shadow Skip’s forehoof. A scream of pain rent the air.
“No, no, please, please,” Shadow Skip sobbed incoherently.
“Pathetic.” Crack. “Coward.”
Shadow Skip did his best to roll over, shielding his face and already injured ribs. “I-I’ll tell you anything.”
“Shut it.” The attacker pressed his hoof against Shadow Skip’s neck, drawing a whimper. “You know nothing I don’t.” Then he removed it again. “Think that’ll keep you from leaving while I try and find a guard willing to get a little wet. Lazy Coastal City…”
Shadow Skip waited until the hoofsteps faded. Then he pulled his hooves under his body and tried to get up, but the effort made pain shoot up his forelegs. So he settled for collapsing to the ground and trying not to cry.
The legends were true. There was no escape from Phillip Finder, and Celestia couldn’t save you when he arrived.
But surely, Shadow Skip’s master knew about this. Surely he’d foreseen this. So Shadow was in good hooves…
…Right…
***
“For my true love, I would climb a mountain,” Honey Words sang to herself as she flew in a twirly pattern up the steps to the higher level of the Ivory Tower. “I would face a dragon and cut him right in two, if I were asked by my… Oh hi, boys.”
The two guards turned to look at her. One was a tall navy unicorn who scowled; the other was a scrappy bantam rooster of an earth pony holding a huge rifle. He grinned at her and motioned her forward.
“One present missed the chimney,” Honey said, floating up to show them the shirt box clasped tightly in her forehooves. “And that just wouldn’t do. Is now a good time?”
The two guards turned to each other and shrugged. “He’s just talking to himself, I think,” the unicorn whispered.
Honey hummed to herself and pressed a hoof to her lips. “I’m sure he won’t mind. Thank you, sweeties.” She blew them a kiss and floated silently over their heads.
Zugzwang’s sitting room was a bit more private and a bit more informal than his study downstairs. It had a low table in the middle sporting a cigarette box and a currently empty hors d'oeuvres tree of wrought silver. The couches surrounding it were covered in purple velvet. Expensive paintings hung on the walls, and a bright fire crackled in the fireplace.
A glass armonica rested against the far wall, more a novelty piece than an actual instrument, but Zugzwang had been heard creating the most unearthly, creepy music on it on occasion. He sat in front of it right now, his back to Honey, but he wasn’t playing. Something was in his hooves, something rectangular, but Honey couldn’t quite tell what.
Honey Words hovered at the door for a moment, suddenly unsure what to say.
“Don’t be afraid, mein liebling.”
Honey’s jaw dropped. He’d heard her? But she’d been moving so quietly…
“Yes, come, come closer,” Zugzwang continued, still not turning around. “I think you’ll like what I have planned for you.”
Honey started forward, trembling with joy. He’d noticed her! This was the beginning of something special-
“Our game continues, on and on to eternity.” Zugzwang lifted up what he was holding. “Do you like the frame I picked for you, Phillip Finder?” He sent the portrait of the brown earth pony into the air with his golden telekinesis. It was a good headshot; the black mane, the gray trilby, the unamused expression… all there. “Now, why so serious?” Zugzwang teased the portrait. “Don’t you like gold?”
Honey froze. The box dropped out of her hooves and clattered to the floor.
“Oh, Honey, it’s you,” Zugzwang said, finally turning to look at her. “To what do I owe this nightly visit?”
Honey picked the shirt box up in her shaking hooves. “I… I forgot this one. I’m so sorry.”
Zugzwang set the picture of Philip on the bench. “Don’t apologize for bringing me a new suit.” He took Honey’s chin with his forehoof. “Don’t be afraid, mein freund.” He smiled.
Freund. It meant friend. She was his friend. Not his liebling, his darling.
Honey kept her gaze steady and managed a smile. “Thank you.” She tried to remain calm, to focus on Zugzwang’s eyes. But even the dizzying black void couldn’t comfort her now.
***
Wails and sobs echoed through Honey Word’s bedroom that night. She’d throw pillows and small unbreakables around. She’d lie on the floor and bang her hooves. She’d bawl her eyes out. But the pain wouldn’t go away.
As the sun started rising, she calmed down. She hugged her pillow to her chest, muttering a name darkly to herself as schemes floated through her brain.
“Phillip… Finder…”
Author's Note
Squee! So it begins!
I'm a huge fan of the Phillip Finder universe, and I'm happy to have the chance to ~~gratuitously work my own OC into his canon~~ work with Phillip and Zugzwang! In fact, I'm so happy I've forgotten how to end sentences with something besides an exclamation mark! Thank you PonyJosiah13 for your help so far!
View Online
Lesson 2: Pawns are Yours to Use as You Please
The next morning, the subject of Honey Word’s rage paid a visit to the hospital. He was well-known enough by now that nopony stopped him as he made his way past staff members and down long sterile hallways until he made it to the special containment room in the basement.
An orange honeycomb-patterned dome occupied the center of the room, itself large enough to be a small bedroom. A few machines were scattered around the edges. Nurses and doctors scurried around the perimeter of the dome, adjusting said machines and holding quiet conversations.
Phillip Finder scanned the room, then trotted towards the dark yellow unicorn writing on a clipboard. “Doctor Peculiar? Is the patient-”
“No.”
Phillip stopped walking. “So, uh… sick of hearing that question?”
Doctor Peculiar must have tightened his telekinetic grip on his pen too much, since it now snapped, spraying ink all over his face. “Ugh, it’s not you, it’s everypony else. The CDC, press ponies, insurance agents, it’s all just… gah!”
Phillip shrugged. “Resurgence of a deadly, incurable illness that hasn’t been seen in centuries? Honestly, mate, I’m surprised nopony’s screaming about the end of the world yet.”
“But it’s contained, dang it.” Doctor Peculiar gestured to the shield. “These things can keep out radiation from an Atomic Rainboom; I think we’re safe from a little cutie pox.”
“How’s the patient?” Phillip Finder turned to look at the shield. The strange magical material wasn’t transparent enough, but he could make out a stallion lying on a hospital bed, wires and tubes stuck everywhere on his skin not covered by the same arcane symbol. “Get anything out of him yet?”
“Just the plans for a better heart rate monitor.” Doctor Peculiar sighed. “I’m hoping that means he’s at least aware of his surroundings, and is trying to help. When I told him about the rumors of a Zebraland plant that might hold the cure, I think he smiled. And, uh… about that lead you hinted at?”
“Not that useful.” Phillip shrugged. “The virologist turned out to live on the other side of Equestria. And he’s been dead for six months. Cause looks natural enough, but I’m not ready to leave Coastal City yet.”
“Wait, virologist?” Doctor Peculiar dropped the clipboard with a thwap. “This… wait, you don’t think this was intentional?”
Phillip looked grim. “It makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s an easy way to get free ideas.”
Doctor Peculiar shook his head. “That’s so… that’s just cold.”
“Living in sunny Coastal City, I’m not surprised you haven’t noticed. But it’s a cold world.” Phillip turned aside. “Keep doing a good job, Doc. I’ll let you know what I-”
“He-e-ey! Lookie what’s hiding here!”
Phillip muttered some curses under his breath.
A light blue pegasus soared into the room, her camera flashing like a machine gun. An earth pony security guard dashed under her, trying to look not completely useless.
“What is she doing here!?” A lemon-yellow nurse shook her hoof at the intruder. “The press conference is over, you featherbrain-”
“Sorry!” A slender white unicorn stumbled into the room, almost knocking his black-rimmed glasses loose. He waved his press pass vaguely in the air as he half-tripped after the photographer. “So sorry, she’s with me, I thought, well, it’s just, I’m so sorry…”
“Hey, Ponyville.” The blue pegasus landed in front of the unicorn and tossed her bubblegum pink mane smugly. “Finally caught up?”
“Please don’t call me that…” he muttered in reply.
Phillip slipped away from Doctor Peculiar and started walking toward the entrance as quietly as possible. With any luck-
“He-e-ey, it’s the world’s greatest scowler!” The blue pegasus was suddenly in his face. Then a bright light blinded him.
“Go away!” He lashed out blindly and pushed something furry away. Blinking purple blotches from his vision, he saw that she was now lying down in a swimsuit pose, for some reason.
“Aw, come on, Philly, just a few more snaps.”
“You didn’t get enough the other day?”
“Phillip!” The reporter jogged over to them. “Shocking Snap, please leave us alone…”
Shocking Snap stood up and retreated a few paces, then held her camera up. “Go on. I’m too far to hear you.”
Phillip turned to the reporter. In a low voice, he said, “How about it, Mild Mannered? Just give her one little zap.”
“I can’t do that,” Mild Mannered hissed back.
Shocking Snap’s camera went off again.
“Gah!” Mild Mannered looked at her with wide eyes. “Wh-why would you need a picture of both of us?”
Shocking Snap put a hoof to her mouth and snickered.
“Go get some pictures of the patient already.” Mild Mannered put a hoof to Phillip’s shoulder and steered him towards a corner of the room.
“I know how to walk,” Phillip muttered, twisting away from the reporter. “What’s this all about? Didn’t you just cover the cutie pox in yesterday’s headline?”
“I’m not here about the cutie pox.” Mild Mannered narrowed his eyes. “I think you know what this is about.”
Phillip narrowed his eyes back. “Excuse me?”
“I saw what you did to Shadow Skip. What is he, sixteen?”
“Twenties. Small for his age. And if you’re going where I think you’re going-”
“Why in the blazes did you think what you did was justified?”
“When’s your girlfriend’s funeral, SuperStar?”
Mild Mannered took a step back. “You…”
“You think those glasses are actually fooling anypony?”
The pale unicorn pushed said glasses up his nose. “It’s not just a disguise. It helps me control The Stare.” Then he scowled. “And don’t change the subject! Leave Scoops out of it; this isn’t about her. It’s about the crazy pony who thinks he needs to break a pony’s bones so he can’t run away.”
“It worked, didn’t it?”
“You could have just restrained him nonviolently.”
“With what? I don’t just carry hoofcuffs everywhere. I’m no longer in the guard.”
Mild Mannered apparently hadn’t thought of that, but wasn’t willing to concede the point. “Y-you… I’m… I’m telling you this as a friend-”
“One case, SuperStar. One. Case. That doesn’t make us friends.” Phillip scowled. “And as I recall, you spent most of that case physically restraining me from doing my job.”
“You didn’t have probable cause-”
“I don’t have to listen to ponies who don’t care when an honorable guard and an innocent mare-”
“Shut up!” Mild Mannered swung his hoof at Phillip.
Phillip wove aside. The white hoof crashed into the wall right where his head had been. The resulting crash shook the building as a spiderweb of cracks spread under Mild Mannered’s hoof.
Mild Mannered froze, his eyes wide.
He’d be reproaching himself enough; Phillip didn’t need to say anything. So the pony in the gray trilby just turned and walked away.
He’d almost made it to the door when he heard it, again.
“He-e-ey-”
“Shocking Snap.” But maybe he could turn this to his advantage.
The light blue pegasus landed and skidded up to Phillip Finder. “Yeah?”
Phillip Finder pulled a notepad from one vest pocket and a pencil from another. “I overreacted to the lights earlier.” He scribbled for a bit, then put the pencil back in his pocket. “Here’s my hotel room. I hope you’ll give me a chance to make it up to you.”
Shocking Snap grinned like a Cheshire kitten as she took the note from Phillip. “You won’t be disappointed.”
***
The lousy therma cloak was itchy.
Honey Words was trying to become one with a rock, the silvery cloak hopefully masking her luscious golden mane. She was nestled against a huge gray specimen on a grassy knoll, overlooking the path her targets would certainly take. On the other side of the hill was the bright lights of Coastal City, but this semi-secluded footpath was reserved for transporting things ponies didn’t like to remember existed. Mostly trash. Of the inorganic kind, and the equine kind.
There it was. The prison wagon slowly lumbered along the path. They were still far enough away that she’d have time to prepare.
Honey Words scampered further down and hit the dusty road. She pulled a small red jar out of the therma cloak’s pocket, then tossed the cloak into some tall grass. With her nose and hooves, she applied the fake blood liberally, doing all she could to make it look convincing.
By the time the police wagon rounded the corner, she was lying on the road, sobbing with pain.
“Oh, oh my gosh!” The wagon puller, a younger earth pony, apparently forgot the load he was carrying and scampered forward.
The guard who’d been sitting on the wagon seat yelped and fell to one side. “Careful!”
“Miss, are you okay?” The earth pony stared down at her as Honey continued to bawl her eyes out.
“Th-the cloud…” she scanned the sky frantically. “The one I was napping on… where is my cloud?”
“It’s a bad day for clouds,” the guard said, sniffing at the sky. “Too hot.”
“I-I must have… I woke up, and I was falling… I just thought I was still dreaming.” Honey Words looked at her wing, then pretended to be shocked. “I’m bleeding!”
“Oh, miss, it’ll be okay,” the earth pony said. “Um, Tight Rein?”
“What?” the guard snapped.
“I can carry one more…”
“You can- We’re headed to the jail, sonny, not a country club!”
“You can’t ask her to walk back to the city like this!”
Honey Words pretended to stand, then cried as if it was too painful for her.
“Just got back from the hospital…” Tight Rein grumbled, getting out of his seat. “All right, missy, we’ll do what we can.”
“Thank you!” The earth pony unhitched himself and trotted over to help.
As the two of them moved Honey Words to the back of the wagon, she noticed the young earth pony even had a wagon for a cutie mark. Ugh, what a pointless existence. He’d thank her later.
The prison wagon was basically a huge box, but this one had a ramp fitted onto the back that was currently folded up. It made a short ledge with a tall wall that she could rest on without actually being in the wagon.
The two gentlestallions lifted Honey Words up as gently as possible.
“Don’t worry miss, I’ll go extra slow to make sure you aren’t hurt worse,” the earth pony said.
“Excuse me?” Tight Reins and the earth pony rounded the side of the prison wagon. “We do have a schedule to keep, whippersnapper.”
Honey waited until the wagon had been rolling for a while. The earth pony was going exceptionally slow, which was good. More time would just help her.
Honey sat up and extracted a hairpin-shaped lockpick from her mane. She went to work on the prison wagon door, then slipped inside.
It was mostly dark except for the fading rays of light coming in the small barred window. Shadow Skip’s dark coloration didn’t make it any easier to see him, but she soon found the navy blue stallion crouched by the wall. White and pink bandages were wrapped around his middle, with holes cut for the wings. A collar around his neck was chained to the wall behind him.
“Pink looks good on you,” Honey snickered.
“Zugzwang sent you?” Shadow Skip was practically wagging his tail with joy.
“Sweetie, do you think he’d just abandon you like that?” Honey set her lockpick to work on the collar. Well, he had, but telling Shadow Skip that would make him needlessly suspicious.
“This town is crazy,” Shadow Skip said. “You’ve heard of Phillip Finder? I’ve met him. Oh, sweet merciful Celestia preserve us…”
“I’m… familiar.” Honey tried to keep her tone even.
“They call him a great detective, but he’s just a spook. …T-that’s not right, he’s terrifying. Somehow he got the idea that-” the collar snapped off. “Oh, we can leave now.”
“Better not.” Honey pulled back. “Let’s wait for a more opportune time, shall we?” She returned the lockpick to her mane. Then she slipped off the red crystal earring she had on one ear and held it out to Shadow Skip. “I thought you might be hungry, so I brought you this.”
Shadow Skip stared at the tiny jewel, probably wondering what the connection was. “What is it?”
“It’s a meal gem. It’s enchanted to be super nutritious. Trust me, it’s safe.” Honey held it closer.
Shadow Skip blinked skeptically, then licked the gem up with his tongue.
“Chew it if you can,” Honey Words said.
A brittle crunch came from Shadow Skip’s mouth. “Doesn’t taste like much…”
“Just swallow it. You’ll feel better shortly.” Honey Words brushed her mane behind her ears. “Now, then, you were saying?”
Shadow Skip swallowed hard. Honey resisted the urge to sigh with relief. “Right, Phillip seems to think I murdered some ponies. But I couldn’t have. I-I mean that makes no sense. I’m a courier, I just carry stuff, whatever needs to be carried, or hidden, no questions asked. I run away, I don’t fight. I never have, never could. I just…” He turned to the side. “I don’t like to think about hurting other creatures. I don’t know why… I d-d…” He took a deep breath. “It just makes me feel… I feel… g-guess the sun is hotter.”
They rode in silence for a few minutes, except for Shadow Skip’s heavier breathing. Honey Words smirked. It had never worked this fast before, but she’d heard it was stronger when ingested instead of injected.
“You can’t fly in jail, y’know?” Shadow Skip was already sounding less coherent. “I don’t know… what I’d do if… if I… I… I…” He shook his head. “I’m not a m-m-murderer. I’m not. I’m not. You… believe… me?”
A shudder ran through Shadow Skip’s whole body. His eyes widened as his natural indigo irises began to flush red.
“No, sweetie,” Honey Words said. “I don’t believe you. Because you are a murderer, honey. See, I needed that nosy reporter Star Scoops out of the way, but I didn’t have the time to run from justice that you have. I know this might shock you, but I didn’t stand a snowflake’s chance in Tartarus of tricking the world’s greatest detective into thinking you committed murder, so I had to make you actually commit murder.”
It was safe to say this now; he wasn’t going to remember it. Although part of her wished he would; this far in the plan it probably didn’t matter. “That gem was actually a mineral called Sirenite. It makes ponies berserk. I’m sorry, sweetie; I know how much your no-killing code meant to you. It let you think you were better than all of us, somehow.”
Honey snickered as she went to the prison wagon door. “It’s almost cute that you thought you were better than Zugzwang. That a pawn could think itself above his master.” She threw the doors open. As the rays of sunlight hit Shadow Skip, he screamed in rage and agony. “But when you work for Zugzwang, he owns all of you. Mind, body, and soul. So now I own you, too.” She launched herself out of the wagon, hovering in the air with the slightest flap of her wings. “Try not to leave any witnesses, mmkay?”
Shadow Skip had started foaming at the mouth. He leapt off of the wagon at Honey; rage had made him forget his wings, and he fell just short of her.
Tight Reign ran around the cart. “What the hay-”
Shadow Skip whirled around and dove at the unsuspecting guard, tackling him to the ground. With his teeth, he grabbed the feathers of the helmet and yanked it off; then he pounded his hooves against the guard’s exposed head, over and over.
Honey Words suppressed a shudder. Looking around, she found a tree, to her surprise- a nice big tree with large flat branches and shady leaves. She flew over and rested on her back on one of the branches, sighing with pleasure.
The nameless earth pony screamed in terror. Honey looked down just long enough to watch Shadow Skip tackle the only other witness. As her animalistic henchpony crushed the young stallion’s head into the dirt, Honey turned to stare at the pretty patterns the light made between the leaves. She began to sing a song to herself, an old love ballad from bygone days.
“There’s a prince in your future, Honey. He’ll be exactly who you’re dreaming of…”
Shadow Skip, having run out of moving targets, just started ramming the police wagon. Honey rolled her eyes and crossed her hooves over her stomach.
“Handsome and disarming, a regular Prince Charming. When he comes, you’ll know at once it’s love…” She giggled to herself. It was good to be queen.
***
Phillip Finder lay on his hotel bed, flicking through the last pages of the A.B.C. Murders. He was suppressing a smile; it wasn’t often a mystery novel managed to trick him. Agatha Canter could do a few things right.
While Phillip’s only priority in choosing this room was that it would be on the ground floor, far from the exits, it had turned out to be made for him. The walls were a natural brown wood color, the carpet was gray, and the bedspread was dark green. A short round table rested in one corner of the room; for tonight’s entertainment purposes, he’d poured his usual cider into two fancy-looking, thrift store wine glasses. The effect looked pretty, sparkling in the light from the oil lamp on the wall.
He had only two pages to go when there was a knock on the door. Well, at least it was just the epilogue. Phillip pushed the book to the side and slid off the bed. “Who is it?”
“Somepony call for a little shock?”
Phillip stared blankly at the door. Did she… was that supposed to be clever?
Forcing a smile to his face nonetheless, he pulled the door open. “Glad you could make it, Shocking Snap.”
“Youse are in for a treat.” Shocking Snap looked over his shoulder. “Ooh, cider?”
“Help yourself.” Phillip stepped aside and waved her in.
“Don’t mind if I do.” Shocking Snap leaned coyly against the table and wrapped her hoof around the stem of the glass.
Phillip slid the bolt lock into place and turned to his guest. “Why do you keep posing like a model when your talent is on the other side of the camera?”
Shocking Snap hid her bitter expression by taking a long gulp of cider. When she set it back down, her expression was blanker. “Let’s not talk about work, okay? Never mix business and pleasure.”
“But your work is so fascinating.” Phillip trotted over to his suitcase and flipped it open. “I have a small collection of shots you took.”
“Oh, well, I’m flattered-”
“In fact, I was hoping you’d tell me more about this one.” Phillip held up a color print out.
Shocking Snap dropped the wine glass. It rolled onto the thick gray carpet, the remaining cider creating a darker gray spot. “How… how did you…?”
The photo was of two ponies in suits. Innocent looking enough, for those who didn’t recognize the faces for a famous minister and an infamous mobster.
“You do a bit more than photojournaling, mate.” Phillip brought the photo closer to Shocking Snap. “You took this photo, and you sold it. Now you’re gonna tell me where you where your buyer is.”
Shocking Snap backed away, eyes wide. “I d-d-don’t know nothing.”
“True.” In one swift move, Phillip grabbed Shocking Snap’s forehoof and spun her around, twisting her front leg behind her back.
“Ah-ah, no, please.” Shocking Snap flailed with her hind legs, whimpering. “You-you’re hurting me, you can’t hurt girls-”
“You’re thinking of SuperStar, mate.” Phillip leaned closer to whisper in her ear. “But where Zugzwang goes, I follow. And I bring a new set of rules.”
Shocking Snap sobbed. “N-no, you don’t understand- ow!”
“Save your crocodile tears.”
“But Zugzwang…” Shocking Snap swallowed. “He’ll kill me.”
Phillip slowly unwound his grip. “You knew that when you signed up.”
“So do whatever youse want to me. I’m not ready to meet my Maker, got it?” Shocking Snap slid back and leaned against the wall once she was freed.
Phillip sighed. “Listen, this doesn’t have to end like that. Just tell me what you know-”
Shocking Snap leapt for the hotel room window, her hooves crossed over her face. The sound of shattering glass and screams filled the air as Shocking Snap launched herself into the sky, one wing fluttering slower in a kind of pegasus limp.
Phillip couldn’t hesitate. He jumped out after her, glad he hadn’t taken off his horseshoes as they kept his fall onto the glass shards outside from being too painful. Then he took off down the street, watching the sky for a pegasus flying lopsided.
Coastal City did have to have annoyingly tall buildings. That was alright for resident hero SuperStar, since he could leap tall buildings in a single bound, but Phillip and his regular jump height had to waste too much time moving upward instead of forward. Why couldn’t he ever chase something without wings?
He dashed towards the hotel fire escape and clambered up, hoof over hoof, like it was an extra-spaced ladder. Finally on the roof, he scanned the skies for movement.
There, a dark shadow against the starscape. Her northwestern bearing meant he had to first leap to a northward building, then a westward building. Fortunately, she wasn’t flying very fast; probably hurt her wing jumping out the-
The crack of a gunshot rang through the night, and the shadow plummeted to the top of a skyscraper and lay still.
When Phillip made it to Shocking Snap, she was struggling to breathe. Dark red liquid poured from her chest all over the gravel-covered roof.
Phillip started to lean over her and got punched for his troubles. Her weak flailing didn’t hurt much, but a shard of glass stuck in her hoof scraped across his cheek, drawing more pain than blood.
“I t-told you,” Shocking Snap hissed. “This is… y-your… fault. Son of a… son of…”
Her voice faded. Then her breathing.
Phillip looked in all directions, but already knew he wouldn’t see who’d shot her. Tartarus, how had Zugzwang known…?
The brown earth pony turned back to Shocking Snap. Gently, he shut her still-glaring eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Sorry you didn’t get any information out of her, he could hear SuperStar saying. If you really cared what happened to her, you never would have done this.
Shocking Snap’s last words echoed in his head as he headed down the staircase to tell the guard.
“Your fault. Your… fault.”
“Shut it,” he muttered darkly to himself. It wasn’t his fault; he couldn’t believe it was. It was Zugzwang who’d ordered this, and it was he that Phillip needed to focus on. Before anypony else got hurt.
Author's Note
I think I had something clever to put in this box...
When I remember what it was, I'll tell you.
Lesson 3: Have Fun at Work
Coastal City was a bitter liar.
The sun was shining and bouncing off every glittery window. Flowers bloomed in every window box and lush greenery overflowed everywhere the city planners let it. The air was fresh and clean after the long spring shower. Ponies walked around with smiles on their faces, commenting on how lovely the weather was.
It was freezing.
With just enough cold sea wind to nip away at Phillip’s already frosty nose.
Every previous day, Phillip has stayed in bed as long as he could and inside for even longer. Celestia’s sun burned away the worst of the chill by the afternoon. But the events of last night had kept him up, and then he’d seen the morning paper…
The Pink Sugared Donut Café was very pink and sparkly; from the flowing silk awning dotted with clear rhinestones to the shiny silver chairs to the pink sparkly pavement, the whole thing screamed ‘little girl’s playset.’
Mild Mannered looked so out of place, it was amusing. The tall stallion in his professional suit was daintily sipping coffee and noshing away at six donuts.
“Hey, mate,” Phillip said.
Mild Mannered turned and scowled. “What do you want?”
Phillip held out a copy of the Daily Equestrian. The headline read: “Two more horrific murders. Has SuperStar failed us again?” Then, further down, the name of the reporter who wrote the article: Mild Mannered.
Mild Mannered’s scowl softened a bit. “I thought you didn’t read the paper…”
“What kind of detective would I be if I didn’t keep an eye on the city?” Phillip started to fold the newspaper up again. “Listen, I know what you’re going through-”
“Liar.”
Phillip looked up.
That was a mistake.
His grey eyes locked with Mild Mannered’s blue ones. The tall unicorn had pushed his thick glasses up to his forehead, leaving nothing blocking the Stare.
Phillip felt like his eyeballs were being shoved to the back of his head. His skull filled with searing flames, and it took him a while to realize he was tipping over, letting his head bounce off the pink concrete. He could hear Mild Mannered shouting, as if muffled with cotton, for somepony to fetch medical help. His vision blurred and everything seemed to be slowing down, but his eyes wouldn’t close; they were frozen open as the fire in his head continued to burn.
It seemed like a small eternity of flame nymphs circling his head before somepony lifted him off the ground. It felt like he’d gotten onto a stretcher, somehow. A lavender pony shape and a yellow pony shape carried him off.
With a great effort, a millimeter at a time, Phillip managed to force his eyes shut. The rest of the journey, what little of it he could feel, was spent wishing his headache would stop.
***
Shadow Skip collapsed on top of the metal cage he was supposed to be moving. Stupid power plant was too dang huge. And slanted. And full of tiny steps that he had to lift things up and down.
The power plant was a former hydroelectric plant that had been refitted to use crystal matrixes for power instead before being abandoned for a new building that wasn’t at risk of falling into the ocean. The room Shadow Skip was in was mostly green-gray slate, naturally cut from the low cliff face, a shelf projecting over where the ocean flowed into the cave, rushing beneath his hooves. It had taken him a while to get used to the constant roar in his ears.
The hugest shelf ran from one door to another, and was the one the cage was on. A short distance from the safe ground, separated by a chasm with running water far below, was a small pillar of rock that had once held some kind of measurement device, resting against a smooth stone wall.
There’d used to be a bridge to that smaller rock shelf, and Shadow could still see the metal poles the bridge used to be attached to. Its absence, however, was no hindrance to pegasi like him and Honey.
Speaking of…
“Skipper, dear?” Honey fluttered over to him. “You really, really don’t want to be on that cage…”
Shadow Skip sat up a bit too fast. A metal clip on his bandages scraped against the bars. It was only a little click, not even audible to him against the background noise of the water.
And then the cage began to rock back and forth, throwing Shadow Skip off the top as the creature within barked at him.
Shadow Skip landed on his still tender wrist, making him cry out again. Honey just sighed with exasperation.
“You have just one job left, and I’ll be done with you. Just move this one teeny little cage.”
The cage stopped rocking and the barking switched to growling. Shadow Skip still didn’t want to touch it.
“What even is that thing!?” he cried out.
“I don’t understand the science behind it, I’m just borrowing it. And it goes into the dark room.” She pointed towards the unlit room at one end of the shelf.
Shadow Skip scooted a little closer. “Can you make it quiet first?”
Honey pulled out the flashlight she kept strapped to her hind leg. She spun the handle around and shone colored light at the cage; the sound stopped immediately.
Shadow Skip got behind the cage and urged his tired muscles to work for just a little longer. Honey hovered around, occasionally nudging his burden to one side or the other.
The room where the box went was completely dark, but Shadow Skip didn’t need to look; he just kept pushing forward and let Honey steer him.
“Ooooooh, I almost forgot about the special surprise. Wouldn’t want to leave this baby out.” Honey turned on a light, illuminating half the room and revealing a metal staircase. At the bottom was a grey-green canister about the size of Shadow Skip’s torso. Honey pointed to the canister. “Please move this up the stairs; I need it for a lovely trap I’m setting up.”
Shadow Skip looked at all the toxic symbols decorating the cannister, and saw that one of the symbols was a raven silhouette. “Hey, where did this come from?”
Honey landed at the top of the stairs and started unwinding some wire. “It was given to me by a psychology professor at a university you’ve probably never heard of. He said I could have it at reduced cost if I promised to take notes on its effect, since right now he doesn’t have the resources to test it without alerting some board of ethics.” Honey giggled at the memory. “Of course, he said that if I ever told anypony where I got this, he’d make me sorry. Oh nooooo, a psychology professor wants to hurt me. I’m soooo terrified.”
Shadow Skip wrapped his forelegs around the cannister; it turned out to be much lighter than it looked, so flying it to the top was easy.
“All right, you can leave now,” Honey said.
Shadow Skip gratefully scampered back to the better-but-not-well lit rock shelf room. “Uh… what did Zugzwang want all this for, anyway?”
“All what?” Honey said from the darkness.
“I mean, you know, there’s that maze back there…” He gestured to the dark room. “And you had me build that life-sized board game, and there’s the room with all the dresses… Why so elaborate?”
Honey flew into the room with Shadow Skip. “It’s just a puzzle house. You know how much he likes puzzles. So one pony starts from the inside, one pony starts from the outside, and they work their way towards each other.”
“But why so many puzzles?”
“It’s just fun. The more puzzles, the more fun.” Honey flicked Shadow Skip’s nose teasingly.
Shadow Skip wrinkled his nose. “But I thought you said the maze and the board game were both designed for two ponies to do in competition…”
“Yes, and?”
“But, I mean, they won’t both be doing both of them together, right? If one reaches the maze first and does it by himself, then the other one will never reach the maze before he meets the first one…. Right? I’m so confused…”
“Well… I mean… they’re just both such awesome ideas, and I didn’t want to pick one over the other, so I just built both and I’m going to let fate decide, okay!?” Honey folded her hooves and adopted a sulky expression.
Shadow Skip blinked. “What do you mean, you… I thought you said Zugzwang asked you to do this.”
Honey blinked. “I mean, um, y-yes, of course he did. He just asked me to design it, and...”
“Zugzwang doesn’t normally do redundant things, though.” Shadow Skip narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously.
Honey huffed. “Fine. This isn’t Zugzwang’s idea. It was mine. I’m building it as a present for him.” She smiled. “But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to give you credit too when he thanks me for the present.”
Shadow Skip winced. “And if he doesn’t thank you…?”
“What do you mean!? Of course he’ll love it! Don’t be silly.” Honey rubbed Shadow Skip’s mane vigorously.
Shadow Skip ducked and backed away from the assault. “S-sorry. Um, one more question… you said this game is for two ponies. If one is Zugzwang, then…?”
Honey flew over the handrail to the small rock pillar. “Two words, a name. No points for guessing whose.”
A shudder ran through Shadow Skip’s body at the memory. If he ever failed Zugzwang—which wasn’t likely to happen—then he’d be killed quickly. Phillip just wanted to torture him and…
Shadow Skip sat down and wrapped his forelegs around his bandaged midsection, trying to will his heartbeat back down. No, don’t think about that right now. It’s okay. You’re safe—
His right wing was jerked away from his side. His eyes snapped open and he saw Honey holding his wing in one hoof, and a knife in the other. “What are you-!?”
That was as far as he got.
Blood made freckles on Honey’s face. She backed off, grinning like a maniac, holding out Shadow Skip’s wing.
No longer attached to his body.
“Y-you j-j-j…” Shadow Skip felt his breath stop.
Then it hit him. The roaring, searing pain, flooding from his shoulder and through his body, making him scream in agony as his vision blurred. Everything dulled—including the pain, mercifully, as he swayed to the side and hit his head on the hard stone floor.
***
Phillip’s quiet time was interrupted by a hoof gingerly forcing open the eyelids he’d worked so hard to close. Blue liquid filled his vision, and blinking became easier almost instantly.
“Ugh…” He blinked the blue away. He was in a hospital room, with a familiar dark yellow unicorn standing near him, and about a hundred nervous nurses hovering around the perimeter.
“See, what did I tell you?” Dr. Peculiar said. “Seizure, my hoof. It was just the Stare… again.”
“But, but, but SuperStar would never do something like that!” a sky blue pegasus bleated.
“He only hurts the bad guys!” another concurred.
More murmurs of disapproval.
“Go do your job, already,” Dr. Peculiar said. “And Cloudy Brain, fetch me some hayspirin, if you’ve a mind to.”
The young mares scattered like moths, leaving the doctor and Phillip alone.
“Sorry that took so long,” Dr. Peculiar said. “They should have known what was going on and administered the cure then and there, but noooo…”
“S’all right, mate,” Phillip grunted, his voice a bit rusty sounding. “Should have been watching… expecting that…”
“Why, what did you do this time?”
“This time? C’mon…” Phillip coughed.
“Water, sorry,” Dr. Peculiar said. A nurse trotted up holding a tray in her mouth with two round purple pills, and Dr. Peculiar handed them to Phillip along with a bottle of water.
While Phillip took the medicine, Dr. Peculiar shooed the nurse out again. His headache subsided enough within the first few seconds that he could feel the soft pillows under him.
“Can’t afford to be lying here longer than I have to,” Phillip muttered.
“Ah… still chasing that crime lord?” Dr. Peculiar said.
“Nopony’s safe while he’s in this city,” Phillip Finder said. “But that’s not what I was doing…” He sat up straighter, then waited for the dizziness whirling around his skull to go away. He briefly wondered if there was any way he could explain the situation to Dr. Peculiar without betraying SuperStar’s secret identity.
“Not sure why he snapped at me, really,” Phillip admitted. “Just on edge from all that’s happened, I guess…”
“You… you don’t think Zugdang is controlling his mind, do you?” Dr. Peculiar stammered.
Phillip started to laugh, then saw the scared expression on Dr. Peculiar’s face and realized it wasn’t a joke. “You’re thinking of Ray Gun, mate. Zugzwang- zw, not d- doesn’t mess around with stupid things like that. He’d never trust a plan that has no guarantee of working.”
Dr. Peculiar rubbed one foreleg against the other. “How do you remember that weird name…?”
“It’s Gerwhin, mate.” Phillip rolled over and hung his foreleg off the bed. “Think I’m good to go?”
“Oh, well, if your head feels alright,” Dr. Peculiar said.
“It’s fine. You need to go back to your special cases and stop worrying about a little altercation between crimefighters.”
Dr. Peculiar sighed. “Even if the explorers found the flower within the first 24 hours, it’ll still be another two days before it gets here. And that’s a really huge if, so… no progress on the cutie pox.”
“Hang in there.” Phillip slid off the hospital bed and fetched his hat from a nearby table. “If you need any help contacting the victim’s family…”
“Best we’ve managed is some cousins who wrote back to say they didn’t know him at all,” Dr. Peculiar said. “But if he has any friends who are looking for him, I know you can find them out… I-I just really worry about him. He’s not in the best psychological condition either, and, well… it would just be nice if he had someone to be there for him. Nopony can survive alone…”
“He has you, mate,” Phil said, giving Dr. Peculiar a meaningful look. “Don’t let yourself believe you aren’t good enough for that job.”
Dr. Peculiar smiled slightly back. “Thanks… but I’d rather he had ponies who knew him.”
“I’ll look around his apartment if it’ll make you feel better,” Phillip suggested. He’d already been over the place the victim had been found—a lab that had been quarantined after a chemical spill and never reopened—but he hadn’t seen any sign of Zugzwang’s work, so he’d left it to the City Guard. As enticing as the mystery was, he couldn’t let himself get distracted from his true target.
Oh, and he should probably see what was up with SuperStar. Couldn’t afford to let a pony like him slid into any kind of psychological distress. Who knew what might happen…
***
“I’m energetic, and athletic, ‘cause my pace is so frenetic…”
Shadow Skip felt a cup pressed under his lips, and a thick liquid tasting like strawberry cough syrup poured down his throat. He coughed and spluttered, his eyes flying open.
“Oh, I was afraid I’d killed you for a second there,” Honey Words said brightly. “That would have been inconvenient… ugh, you have no idea how inconvenient…”
Shadow Skip unfolded his wings and flapped them. Something felt wrong…
He looked to his side and swallowed hard. Where his wing used to be was nothing but a bloody stain on some new bandages wrapped around his middle.
This wasn’t real. Nothing felt real. He could still feel both wings... this was just… it couldn’t be…
“Better finish your medicine.” Honey Words jammed the glass over Shadow’s muzzle and flew up over his head. “You lost a lot of blood, and that’ll help. Probably.”
Shadow Skip licked the syrup from the inside of the glass as best as he could, before he remembered that he had hooves. They were shaking and kept slipping off the cold, condensation-coated cup. Eventually it slipped to the ground and rolled off the edge of the small rock island, plummeting to the rushing river below.
Shadow Skip leaned over and watched the glass vanish into the turbulent water. He wrapped a forehoof across his body and touched where his wing used to be. It hurt, but he could still feel the missing appendage there, as if nothing was wrong, even though nothing would be right again...
Without a wing he couldn’t fly, and if he couldn’t fly, his talent… his job… his hobbies… everything…
He looked up and saw a noose hanging in front of his face. That was... tempting. Somehow the apparition didn’t surprise him; nothing since the night he’d met Phillip hadn’t felt surreal.
Then the rope swooped towards him and slipped around his neck. It tightened and yanked him backwards, lifting his forelegs up. He pawed the air and stumbled backwards, coughing and choking at the sudden pressure on his throat. Then his back slammed against the wall, and the rope pulled him higher until he was barely touching the ground with his hind legs. Breathing became hard, and red spots began to dance in his vision.
The rope spun until he faced the wall. Right about eye level were a few small hoofholds; he managed to reach up and grab them. Flapping his single wing and pressing up with his back legs, he rose, trembling, clinging to the small ledges. The rope on his neck went slack, and he sucked in as much air as he could. But with both his forehooves on the wall, he couldn’t get the rope off his neck; he shifted his head around and even, in a bout of silly desperation, tried using his tongue. But it was no use.
“Oh, goody gumdrops! You figured out how it worked all by yourself! I’m so proud!”
Shadow Skip craned his neck upward and saw Honey Words tying the free end of his noose to a metal lever near the ceiling. “H-Honey?”
Honey Words kicked off of the wall and let herself glide lazily down to the ledge below Shadow Skip. “Nothing personal, Skipper, really. But you’re more useful to me this way than you ever were to anyone, in your whole life, ever.”
Shadow Skip’s forelegs were starting to hurt from clinging to the ledge. “Please don’t kill me, please.” A fruitless plea; the deed was already in progress…
“Oh, it’s not really killing you,” Honey Words said, playing with a curl of her blond mane. “Call it… a kill switch.”
Shadow Skip couldn’t hold on any longer, and tried to lower himself. The rope around his neck grew tighter and hurt a lot, but he could still breathe. His hind legs hurt from holding him up though.
And he would bet that if he tried to press his forehooves to the floor, or move away, he’d be cutting his oxygen off.
“Wh-why?” he asked.
Honey Words was ignoring him. She set two bowls, one of hay and one of water, near the edge of the rock shelf.
“Here, that should hold you until I’m ready to start the game.”
“But…” Shadow Skip leaned slightly in that direction and felt the rope tense. “I don’t think I can reach…”
“Use your imagination.” Honey Words took a flying leap over the river and started to head for the door.
“Wait, no!” Shadow Skip cried. “I don’t understand!”
“Patience is a virtue~” Honey sang.
Then she was gone.
Shadow Skip whimpered. He pulled himself up the wall again to rest his back legs, and his forelegs shook in protest.
What was he waiting for…?
***
The waves rolled languidly by the city’s namesake coast, splashing against the rough gray sand. Rolling hills sliced apart by the ocean made for several cliffs, with sparse pale grass clinging bleakly to the top, battered by the wind that carried small grey clouds formed by wild sea magic.
It was the most depressing beach Phillip had ever seen in his life.
And yet, for reasons he couldn’t understand, there were tourists. Or maybe locals trying to make the best of their poor choice in hometowns. Some were bathing in imaginary sunshine, and some were attempting to withstand the chilly water long enough to swim. At least the volleyball players seemed to be having fun. It was hard to tell from so high up.
Phillip landed with a soft thump on the rocky ground. He was on a pillar of rock in the middle of the ocean, only a few pony-lengths across. Perfect for a heroic fight scene right out of a two-bit action novel.
Also the perfect place to be alone.
SuperStar stood at the edge of the rock pillar, looking out to the open sea. His green cape, woven from strands of Celestia’s mane that she’d donated in gratitude, was flowing majestically behind him, just like it did when it was still on the princess’s head. The rest of his costume was a tight fitting blue costume with a yellow star on the chest. Naturally, his glasses were off.
“Hey, mate.”
SuperStar gasped in shock and anger. “How did you get here?” He whirled around, eyes blazing red.
Phillip just smirked and adjusted his sunglasses. “Little preparation.”
Super Star’s eyes faded to blue. Then he closed them and sighed. “No, really, how did you get out here? I thought I was the only one who could…”
Phillip stuck a hoof through the chain holding the cloud charm around his neck. He pushed it forward. “Got this as a present from an exec whose child I rescued. Never let it be said the rich don’t know how to be grateful.”
SuperStar just stared at the necklace for a second.
“New technology. It lets me walk on clouds.”
SuperStar looked around at the thin fluffy clouds floating through the air. “You can do parkour on clouds now?”
“Seems like it.”
Neither of them said anything for a few seconds. The sound of waves filled the silence.
“You knew I was going to be here, didn’t you?” SuperStar said softly.
“You miss her. That’s only equine.” Phillip started to move next to SuperStar, but SuperStar whirled around angrily.
“You think I don’t know that!? I’m not here to hide because I’m afraid of feelings, y-you idiot!” SuperStar choked on a sob. “Do you know how many… how many times I brought…” His voice got less angry. “Star Scoops and I… this was our special place, and now she’s… now…” Tears glittered in his eyes, and he bit his lip for a moment. “I used to… it’s so hard to believe, only a week ago, Doctor Ray Gun was my worst fear… him and his destruct-O-lasers, or mind control lasers, or… or… I’ve saved my little Star from what I thought was certain death so many times over, and I thought that was the worst life had to throw at me… and us… you know?”
Phillip tactfully decided not to comment.
“And then… and then suddenly you show up working on a case, and the next thing I know, Ray Gun is dead on the floor from a normal bullet, and then Star… Star was… Star was…” He sunk into a sitting position and pressed his forehooves to his eyes. “And now… she really is gone. I can’t save her. I’m worse than useless.”
“Oh, c’mon, mate, you can’t blame yourself for not being able to reverse death—”
“Shut up!” SuperStar reared onto his hind legs, eyes blazing bright white, his horn sparking with energy. “None of this would have happened if you hadn’t chased Zugzwang here! What have you done to my world Phillip!? To their world!?”
“You aren’t thinking clearly,” Phillip said firmly, holding one hoof out. “Calm down—”
“I can’t calm down!” SuperStar whirled around, his cape swooshing violently. At least his horn stopped glowing. “I thought I understood how this world worked, but now all the rules have changed, and I don’t… I don’t even… I’d rather die than be an amoral cold-hearted jerk like you!”
Phillip narrowed his eyes at SuperStar’s back. But he didn’t get a chance to pick what to say next.
“But… but that’s all that’s left for me, right? All those silly rules I made for myself… they don’t work against ponies like Zugzwang…” He took a shaky breath. “Equestria doesn’t need me anymore…”
“No, stop.” Phillip trotted up and put a forehoof around SuperStar’s shoulder. “I do what needs to be done, but that’s the job I’ve chosen for myself. You did a good job on this city before I arrived, and you’ll do a good job once Zugzwang’s gone.”
SuperStar inhaled slowly and wiped one forehoof across his eyes. “Did you… did you have a reason to come here?”
Moving on to business this fast seemed callous, but maybe SuperStar needed something else to think about. So Phillip reached into his vest pocket and took out two small vials, each with a bit of honey-colored mane in them.
“On Dr. Peculiar’s request, I went back to the infected scientist’s apartment to see if I could locate any friends of his.”
“Friendship therapy.” SuperStar gave a bitter smile. “He always was big on that…”
“There were plenty of signs that he had a girlfriend.”Phillip held up one vial and shook it. “I believe this came from her. And this…” he shook the other vial. “This was taken from the lab where our patient was discovered.”
“So she… she was with him?” SuperStar took the vials and looked them over. “But why hasn’t she come forward? Isn’t she worried about her boyfriend?”
Phillip shrugged. “Perhaps she’s worried she’ll be held responsible somehow...” he said, rubbing a hoof to his chin. “Oh, one other thing.” He pulled a sealed evidence bag out of another pocket; this one held a gray feather. “This may or may not be hers. Don’t suppose this rings any bells?”
SuperStar stared at the feather. His lips moved slightly, like he was whispering to himself.
“What’s that?”
“Honey Quill…?” SuperStar pulled back and shook his head. “No, never mind…”
“Who is she?”
SuperStar stared at his forehoof thoughtfully. “Honey Quill… was one of Ray Gun’s henchponies. Not high ranking or anything, but very… oddly enthusiastic about her job, so she kind of caught my attention. I had to arrest her once for driving one of Ray Gun’s experimental tanks through the streets shooting random things; Ray Gun was furious she’d done something so moronic. She vanished when Zugzwang destroyed the Ray Tower, and I assumed she was buried under the rubble somewhere.”
Phillip grunted to himself, already turning away. “I think this is a lead I’d better follow…”
Lesson 4: Find Worthy Opponents
The Coastal City Guard station was supposed to be an impressive building, but it’s hard to be impressed by a building in a perpetual state of either half-destroyed or under construction. Ordinarily, Phillip would have wondered why they bothered, but given current circumstances the construction workers now had hope that this renovation might be more permanent.
He followed the orange “Please use back door” signs to the part of the building that only had the roof slightly less charred than the rest. A small herd of construction workers were pouring concrete to replace a part of the sidewalk that had been blown up.
Phillip Finder pushed through the glass door to the temporary lobby in what used to be the training equipment storage room. A cheap, light, particle board desk sat unponied a few yards from the door, and three ponies, two male and one female, all in uniform, stood casually by a nearby water cooler, laughing at something the female had said apparently.
“I need the criminal record of Honey Quill,” Phillip Finder told them.
“Oh, the stairs are right over—” the mare started.
“Should he really be—” one stallion asked.
“I can take you—” the other stallion said.
All three stopped and stared at each other.
“Thanks,” Phillip said, brushing past them towards the indicated stairs.
Down the steep, wooden steps that made every hoofbeat echo was what was apparently the ex-basement. Plain concrete walls with exposed copper pipes overhead housed rows and rows of metal shelves with cardboard boxes neatly sorted. Somepony cared to keep it tidy, at least.
Except that nothing was labeled. Just rows and rows of identical white cardboard boxes, lids tightly shut to keep their contents secret.
“Some OCD caretaker wants plenty of job security,” Phillip muttered to himself as he trotted down the aisle, scanning for another living being. “How am I supposed to find Honey Quill’s folder if I can’t—”
“Honey Quill! Why didn’t you say so when you first came in!?” said a squeaky female voice.
Phillip looked around for the source and saw a tan unicorn filly with a lavender mane riding a sliding ladder towards him. “I’ll get that for you in a jiff!” She sprang to the top of one bookcase and scrambled along, having to crawl slightly because of how close the ceiling was.
She was only gone for a moment before she scooted back on a cart for moving boxes and tossed a file at Phillip’s hooves. “Honey Chestnut!”
Phillip looked at the label, checking that he hadn’t misheard the excitable filly. “No, no, I need Honey Quill…”
“Right, you’ll find that name under her old aliases. She’s got a lot of them.”
Phillip flipped the folder open. Three pictures were attached to the file; in one she had long plum hair, in another a short teal mane, and in the last the golden curly mane that matched the hairs he’d found.
Nothing was known about her until a few years ago when she apparently bought her first Coastal City apartment, although given her constant name and identity changes that didn’t necessarily prove anything. She’d had several jobs, and the places she worked experienced more lost inventory when she was there; she moved several times, often abruptly; her neighbors said she was out a lot, and that she invited many friends and boyfriends over but rarely for a second visit.
The more he read, the more obvious it became that if Dr. Peculiar had been hoping to find support for his patient, he was going to be disappointed.
He turned to the next page of the file. While nothing concrete had been linked to Honey Quill, when three otherwise unrelated ponies were murdered and clues indicated they’d all known Honey, the police had searched her house while she was absent on another mysterious trip. They’d hardly been prepared for the results.
In her basement, police hit quite an extensive stash of items either illegal, or like nothing any of them had even seen before. Some were individual devices, and others were stocked in huge quantities. The forensic unicorn had said the room reeked of magic, whatever that meant.
Then, while the officers had gone to find a wagon to haul all the evidence away, one of the unrecognized devices went off. It had exploded, like a bomb, but instead of an explosion, a silver mist had emerged that caused every inanimate object it touched to turn to mist and float away, leaving nothing for the police to confiscate. More than that, the forensic scientist who’d been left in the room had nearly died by fading away too, but had eventually recovered from his unique injury.
Shortly after that incident, Honey Quill had been hired by Ray Industries, presumably to answer phones. But SuperStar and the police hadn’t really been fooled.
She meant for those items to be found, Phillip Finder thought. It let the world know that she had resources none of them knew about, and gave them reason to hire her.
And as the thought crossed his mind, he flipped to the last page of the folder and found a crumpled sheet of paper sealed in an evidence bag. A sticky note attached to the bag said “Found this when she was arrested. Any idea what it means? S*.” Yes, SuperStar apparently actually signed his name with a doodle of a star.
The paper itself looked like a random scramble of letters, but thanks to all the time spent deciphering notes Zugzwang left for him, it didn’t take Phillip long to realize it was just replacing every letter with the letter after it in the alphabet. It was like the writer wanted to use a cipher code, but didn’t actually want to put effort into it.
Roses are red, Queens dress in black, I’ve followed my heart, I’ll never look back. ~XOXO Honey
“Queens dress in—” Phillip gave a little start. Ciphers? Black queens?
“It all makes sense.” Phillip handed the book back to the filly, who zipped off on her cart again. “We never fully knew how Zugzwang managed to break into the Ray Tower so easily; but if he had inside help...”
The filly was already out of sight, but he shouted a thank you in her direction anyway. Then he headed back up the stairs; he had some addresses he needed to check...
***
Dr. Peculiar was trying to fill out reports, but his vision was swimming. He stood up and rested his crossed forehooves on the desk and stretched his back, a soft groan escaping him.
After staring at the same section of a chart for several bleary minutes, it was clear he wasn’t going to get any work done until he got some sleep. He forced himself to finish the immediate items and filed the rest in a to-do folder.
A knock at the door made him jolt awake.
“G’day, mate. How’s the patient?”
Dr. Peculiar rubbed his forehead next to his horn. “More marks appeared. We had to sedate him because he was trying to tear our equipment apart in order to to build things. The dose was dangerously high, and he still won’t stop twitching, struggling to wake up…”
The brown earth pony walked into the room and fished around in a pocket of his green vest. “Found where your patient’s girlfriend used to live, and I think you’ll want to look at something I’ve found there.” He drew out a small jar filled with tiny red worms. The label had a date from four months ago.
Dr. Peculiar took the vial into his magic aura and held it at eye level. “This… um… I-I’m not sure, but…”
“It matched the pictures the virologist department sent,” Phillip said. “Seems this girlfriend wasn’t in it for love.”
“She wasn’t...” Dr. Peculiar felt cold, and realized he couldn’t finish that question.
“Don’t understand all these fancy magic cures, but I thought having a sample would help,” Phillip said.
“Maybe,” Dr. Peculiar said unenthusiastically. He set the vial down on his desk and stared into space. It couldn’t be her...
Phillip wove into the space Dr. Peculiar was staring into. “It’s getting late, doctor. Really should think about getting some rest.”
Dr. Peculiar sighed and donned his wool jacket. He really did need to head home, for more reasons than one. “Where are you going next?”
“Actually, I’m headed the same way. How about we go together?”
Dr. Peculiar shrugged and followed Phillip out of the hospital.
Dr. Peculiar hadn’t known what to make of the detective when they’d first met; used as he was to SuperStar, Phillip had seemed so cold as to appear evil by contrast. But they’d gotten along well enough, once Dr. Peculiar had gotten over his fear, because he believed in the good in ponies.
Though that same belief had been flagging lately.
The two stallions emerged from the hospital into the cool dusk air. A hoofful of dry leaves skittered across their path, pushed by the ocean breeze as they walked side by side.
“What’s on your mind, Doc?” Phillip Finder asked.
“It’s… it’s nothing…” No it wasn’t. “That mare, the girlfriend, did you… do you know her name?”
“She’s got a lot of aliases, apparently. But the one SuperStar knew her by was… Honey Quill.”
Dr. Peculiar swallowed. “Was another… Green Honey? O-or Honey Spill?”
“You know her too?” Phillip cocked his head.
The two ponies arrived at the trolley stop. There were four plastic benches arranged in a square; two business ponies, one male and one female, took up one, with the male with his head on the female’s shoulder, fast asleep. The others were empty. Next to the benches were two mares, one middle aged and one in her twenties, with a little filly sitting between them holding a blue balloon. The twenty-something mare seemed to be playing a counting game with the filly while the older mare looked on, smiling.
Dr. Peculiar sat down on the bench that was left, then looked up at Phillip. Phillip had seemed to have forgotten about their conversation and was letting his eyes wander over the passengers-to-be, but Dr. Peculiar was sure he was reading the scene.
“Answer my question. I’m still listening.”
“Honey…” Dr. Peculiar stared blankly at where the trolley would pull in. “She’s… been mentioned by more than a few of my patients.”
“Is one of them a forensic scientist?” Phillip asked. He was still watching the two mares.
“H-how…?”
“It was in Honey’s case file.” Phillip dug out his wallet and started rifling through the contents.
“Yes, him and others. Usually boyfriends of hers…” Dr. Peculiar sucked in air. “I didn’t make the connection this time, though, because usually Honey sends a note.”
“What kind of note? Does she need credit or something?”
“No… a blackmail note. She’ll claim she has the cure, and that she’ll hand it over if the patients do things for them…” Dr. Peculiar shivered. “Once she even asked me to do something for her.”
“What?”
“Something. I don’t like thinking about it…”
“Sorry, be right back.” Phillip stood up and headed toward the spot where he’d been staring. The older mare was walking away with the filly by her side, and the twenty-something mare was waving goodbye. She turned and started for a park bench, only to gasp when she saw Phillip Finder blocking her path.
“He knows. Don’t go home.”
The mare stepped back, trembling. “W-who are you?”
“A concerned friend.” Phillip took one of her forehooves and pressed the bills in his forehoof into hers. “For your daughter.”
“Sh-she…”
“Isn’t your sister,” Phillip whispered. “And now Ashflake knows too. Don’t ask how we do, just promise me you’ll stay away from him for now.”
The mare curled the now-money-laden forehoof to her chest, looking like she was about to cry. Then she turned and chased after the older mare.
Phillip returned to his seat and continued to watch the two mares. The younger one was crying, and the older one seemed to be comforting her. “I’m still listening. Go on, Doctor.”
Dr. Peculiar blinked. “What the hay was that all about?”
Phillip turned back to face the doctor. “Nearly tripped over some drunken idiot earlier today; he was raging about how he’d learned his wife was a dirty whore and he was going to kill her and such. It’s just fortunate I ran into her before he did.”
“But how did you know she was the one?”
“Mister?”
The two stallions looked down to see the little filly with the blue balloon staring up at Phillip.
“Mommy says you’re an angel,” the filly said.
Phillip didn’t get a chance to react to that before the two mares swooped in.
“Lollilee!” The older mare said. “I’m so sorry, sir…”
“Don’t run away from your caretakers,” Phillip told the filly.
She nodded as she was being dragged away. “Okay, Mister Angel…”
Phillip stared after the little filly as she walked away, her eyes on him the whole time. He finally let out a small grunt and looked down at the sidewalk. “I’m not an angel,” he growled to himself.
“Why would you say that?” Dr. Peculiar asked.
The trolley car chose that moment to pull up. The business mare shook her partner awake, and the four ponies boarded. Phillip Finder and Dr. Peculiar had a relatively short ride, so they took spots near the front. The trolley car started down the street, swaying gently around corners.
Dr. Peculiar looked at his cutie mark; some pills and magic stars around a question mark. “I’m very blessed… to have a talent that lets me improvise cures for conditions never seen before.” He looked back up. “But that means that neither I nor my patients are sure what’s going to happen, or if things’ll work out… they’re scared, I’m scared…”
“Did anypony ever take Honey’s offer?”
Dr. Peculiar didn’t respond. He folded one forehoof across his body.
“You’re not responsible for what other ponies do,” Phillip said. “You did what you could—”
“That’s what they all say,” Dr. Peculiar said. “When patients come to me, suffering from magical ailments beyond the norm, it’s normally a freak, once in a century accident. And the patient, the families, and me, we can’t stop asking, why? Why do horrible things have to happen? And… there is no answer. We have to ask for the rest of our lives. I thought that was a cruel fact of nature.” Slowly, he breathed in, then sighed. “But here, I know why. And it’s that ponies are sick, twisted, heartless…” He was shaking.
“Well, this one mare is,” Phillip Finder said. “But I don’t think she’s a normal pony, doctor.”
Dr. Peculiar nodded numbly.
The trolley pulled to a stop, and the two stallions disembarked.
“My house is over there,” Dr. Peculiar said, stopping at a crossroads. “The apartments are over that way.”
“All right.” Phillip waved. “Hoo roo, Doctor.”
Dr. Peculiar waved and managed a smile at the odd phrase. Then he finished the last leg of his journey solo.
His house was on a corner with the door facing east and the mailbox facing south, which confused many mail carriers and door-to-door salesponies as to which street he lived on. Thick, crumbly stucco coated the walls, which was convenient for the busy bachelor since it never needed repainting. He jumped up the long low steps to his porch, levitated the house key out of his coat pocket, and unlocked the door.
He pushed the door open and ran up the stairs. “I’m home, D…”
He reached the end of the upstairs hall and turned into his dad’s bedroom.
There he froze, his heart thudding dully against the floor.
His dad’s room was a disaster. The hospital bed’s blankets were tumbled into a heap on the floor; books were thrown about, as were some loose pages; the bed stand was tipped over and his mom’s figurines lay on the carpet, some broken and one completely ground to pieces. The dresser drawer where all the medicine and other healing devices had been was gone completely, leaving an empty space. A single muddy track streaked across the floor, ending abruptly in the hall where the kidnapper had apparently started vacuuming.
Dr. Peculiar stumbled back against the wall, and once he hit, fell over on his side. His head was reeling. It must be—it couldn’t be—it was— it might—
Musical laughter shook him out of his daze, and he whipped his head around to see a gray pegasus mare gliding towards him.
Dr. Peculiar choked and got to his hooves. “What have you done to him!?”
“Oh, nothing, nothing, sweetie.” The grey pegasus hovered near the ceiling, just out of reach. “I’ll take very good care of him; I just would rather he was with me than here.”
“You don’t know how to take care of him, you m-m-monster! It’s not just medicine; there’s food, a schedule, he, me, I…”
“You’re right. I don’t know where to start.” She didn’t seem bothered to admit this fact.
“Then what do you plan on—”
“How about coming with me?” The gray pegasus gave a smile that seemed too bright, yet somehow unironic. “You can show me how! Or even just do it yourself! I’ll provide whatever you need!”
Dr. Peculiar blinked. “What… why…”
“No catch. I’d like your dad to live, actually.” The pegasus flew over his head and started flying backwards down the stairs, gesturing for him to follow.
Dr. Peculiar took a few steps after, then paused. “Wait, are you… kidnapping me?”
“Nope! You’re coming with me of your own free will!”
“Not exactly free…” But it made more sense that someone would want to kidnap him. “Why do you need me?”
The pegasus crossed her forehooves, carefully resting the stick on her shoulder without letting the star touch her. “Pest control. Getting rid of invaders.”
Dr. Peculiar sat down. “You… you don’t mean Phillip, do you?”
“Oh, but I do! I totally do! But don’t worry; if he’s as awesome as you believe he is, he’ll survive just fine. I’ll even show you what I have planned for him. But do hurry; your dad didn’t get any dinner after all, and though I don’t speak horse, I think he was a little terrified…”
“He’s not speaking horse!” Dr. Peculiar snapped as he stood up. “That’s just how ponies sound when they don’t have any voice anymore…”
He followed the strange pegasus out the front door, then looked back over his shoulder. He wondered if he should have grabbed something—anything, he didn’t know—before he left. He wondered if he was coming home again. He felt and didn’t feel terrified; he knew nothing about where he was going or what would happen to him, but his kidnapper was making it sound like nothing bad was going to happen. He’d hated and feared Honey from afar, but in pony, she wasn’t intimidating.
Phillip was only a few blocks away…
***
With the dawn of the new morning, two couriers were sent out, each bearing an invitation to play a game.
Zugzwang was in the middle of entertaining a very special guest. The Ivory Tower balcony had a quaint little table spread for two, with a selection of dainty Prench pastries for a light breakfast. A vase with a half dozen white and dark pink lilies graced the center of the table, and his guest’s favorite tea blend was served.
Scarlet Letter, poet and leader of the Scarlets, giggled musically as she viewed the spread. “You know how to entertain a lady, Zugzwang.”
Zugzwang smiled and used one forehoof to gently escort her to the table. “The fairest deserve the finest, Madame Scarlet Letter. Und one must not discuss business on an empty stomach.”
“Indeed.” Scarlet Letter used her red telekinesis to select a bite sized eclair. She bit it in half elegantly.
“Before we discuss the contract terms, however, I must ask you for your signature.”
Scarlet narrowed her eyes, but her smile didn’t diminish. “You expect me to sign something I haven’t read yet?”
“Well,” Zugzwang said, levitating Scarlet’s latest novel out from under the table, “I certainly hope you’ve read this.”
Scarlet sighed with pleasure as she cradled the book in her own telekinesis. “This one was so temperamental. I had to rewrite the ending time and time again to get it just so, but I feel it was worth all the extra attention.”
Zugzwang nodded as he poured the tea. “My apologies that I couldn’t make it to your book signing, but staying one step ahead of Phillip Finder takes up much of my time.”
Scarlet’s smile turned to a scowl. “Let’s save this conversation for happy things only.”
“As you wish, my lady.” Zugzwang returned the teapot to the center of the table and levitated a teacup over to Scarlet.
A huge rock fell through the tea cup and broke it, splashing tea and glass shards on Scarlet’s pure white coat.
“Eeek!” Scarlet Letter cried, before regaining her composure and casting a cleaning spell. She glared up at the sky. “Who had the nerve--?”
“Curious.” Zugzwang took the rock in his golden telekinesis. A piece of tea-soaked paper was wrapped around it; he cast a cleaning spell to remove the liquid and held the paper closer. The symbols weren’t Equish.
“What is it?” Scarlet asked. “What did the ruffian want to say to me?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s for me, Madame. So sorry you were an accidental victim of this rather unusual courier.” Zugzwang carried the letter into his study behind the balcony doors. “A moment, if you please.”
He left the balcony doors open so Scarlet would not feel completely abandoned and sat down at his desk to decode the letter. It was a pretty good code, with two different symbols for the letter ‘e’ and no instances of the word ‘the’. It was a source of amusement for a minute or two.
And then he started realizing what the message said, and started getting annoyed. But he resisted the temptation to assume the rest of the letter, and finished solving the last few symbols.
Once done, he levitated the letter into the air in front of him and read aloud for the benefit of Scarlet Letter, who was idly twirling a silver spoon while she waited.
“Zugzwang, I have something very precious to you. If you ever want to see her again, come alone to an old abandoned power plant you must know. You and I have a score to settle once and for all. Phillip Finder.”
“Well.” Scarlet set the spoon back in place. “Speak of the devil. To think we were just talking of Phillip, and now he sends you a letter. This is why we should have stuck to business.”
“I doubt Phillip actually sent this letter,” Zugzwang said grimly.
“Really?” Scarlet stood up and walked over to Zugzwang so she could read over his shoulder.
Zugzwang nodded. “In the first place, while I have sent many puzzles to Phillip Finder, he is not gracious enough to reciprocate. In the second, Phillip would not try a trick like this, because he knows it wouldn’t work. Thirdly, if he knew my location well enough that he could throw a rock at me, he wouldn’t be wasting time like this. Nein, Honey Words apparently wishes to fake her own kidnapping in the hopes of getting me to come to her alone.”
“Honey Words? Is that that silly puffball of a pegasus who tried to corner me after our last meeting and told me to stay away from you, because she had her own little heart set on wooing you?” Scarlet rolled her eyes. “How can you put up with such a silly girl?”
“True, she does flashy things for no purpose, und lacks discretion when it comes at the cost of theatrics.” Zugzwang filed the letter into a drawer. “She is, however, boundlessly resourceful, and completely devoted to me. It is because of her that I am able to be here; she joined Ray Industries for no reason except to become useful to me, and sent me letters offering me Ray Gun’s riches on a silver platter if I would let her be my assistant. She is too useful to lose over a small trifle such as this.” Zugzwang thoughtfully drew a fresh cigarette from his case. “I will oblige her. I will go where she wishes, but not alone. I fear nothing from her, for she has no desire to hurt me. Und I am curious where she thinks she is going with this.”
Scarlet stared wordlessly at the message for a moment. Then she stood up and headed back for the balcony doors, stopping just before crossing the threshold. “May I ask you something, Zugzwang?”
“Ja?” Zugzwang lit his cigarette.
“I have heard that grandmasters struggle to play chess with amateurs, because the amateurs do things that defy a grandmaster’s logic.”
Zugzwang twitched an ear in annoyance. “But zey do not win against us. Zey only are pesty as children.” He paused. “This was not supposed to be an analogy for my decision to meet with Honey Words, I hope?”
Scarlet ran a hoof through her silver-blond mane. “I have had business with this Honey in the past when she was in another city. She has made a small fortune by feigning love to many other stallions before you. Why do you believe you are an exception?”
Zugzwang drew some smoke from his cigarette before answering. “Because I have seen her flirt with others, and I have seen her flirt with me, and they are very different.” He took in more smoke, then blew out, watching the cloud thoughtfully. “Because I have seen her continue to pine for me, even when she had no way to know that I was watching. Even in a letter she attempts to counterfeit, she cannot resist referring to herself as ‘something precious’ to me, at risk of blowing her cover. Und most importantly, I picked up on her tells early on. I would not have one in my employ that I could neither trust nor control.”
Scarlet turned back to Zugzwang, her emerald eyes shining. “Promise me you will be careful, though? I would hate to lose such a good friend over something so small.”
Zugzwang smiled warmly. “I appreciate your concern, but do not think I will not control the situation fully. I am not such a fool as that.”
***
After waking up early and staying up late the day before, Phillip thought he deserved to sleep in until noon.
Fate was not generous to him.
“Finder!” Four hooves dug into his side.
Jarred awake, Phillip launched out of bed and slammed his attacker to the floor. The lemon-yellow mare looked moderately terrified.
“Who are you and what are you doing?” Phillip Finder demanded.
“D-don’t freak out,” she said.
Phillip then realized she was wearing a white nurse uniform, and he remembered where he’d seen her before. “Wait, you were helping Dr. Peculiar, right?” He stopped holding her down and stepped to the side.
She nodded. “But I had to find you; we need to hire you—”
“How did you get in?”
“I stole the other room key from the lobby.”
Phillip grumbled, “Next time, knock…”
“Dr. Peculiar is missing!”
The brown earth pony looked up sharply. “What? From where? What happened?”
Instead of answering, the lemon-colored mare pulled an envelope from her uniform pocket and handed it to Phillip. “When he didn’t show up to work, somepony went to his house… the place was ransacked, and the door was hanging open, and this was left on the doormat…”
Judging from the muddy hoofprint over half the envelope, they hadn’t noticed the clue right away. Metallic gold curlicues adorned the corners, and his name, Phillip Finder, was written on the front in fountain pen. Phillip ripped the envelope open and spat the dirty fragments into the trash can.
An exposed corner of the folded paper inside made him start. It was marble-textured paper with a fancy Z in the corner. Zugzwang’s own custom stationery.
He fished some tweezers from his vest that hung from a nearby chair and used them to extract the letter. Carefully, he unfolded it, smoothing out the crumpled edges, and read:
“Mein freund, I have a business proposal concerning herr doctor. Come to the ruins of my success and play a little hunting game, if you dare. Should you win, herr doctor and you may go home safely; should you lose, both shall die; and if you decline to play, half of Coastal City will look like Ray Tower at ten. I look forward to playing with you, Phillip Finder. ~Zugzwang”
Phillip stepped back and rubbed his forehead.
“Is it from your super villain?” The lemony nurse asked.
“First, don’t call him a super villain, and second, no.” Phillip said. “But somepony is stupid enough to try and make it look like he did.” He studied the letter carefully, not sure what it all meant. “Zugzwang never calls me freund, herr isn’t capitalized, doctor uses the Standard Equestrian spelling instead of the Gerwhin one… and ‘if you dare’? Really?” He looked at the corners of the paper. “And yet, it’s on his personal stationary. Not just anypony can get ahold of that.”
He reached for the nearby envelope; judging from the slightly longer tails on the letters, the writing was mouthwriting, which Zugzwang never used, although somepony had managed to make it in the same shape as his hornwriting. The envelope wasn’t Zugzwang’s either; the paper had been a slightly different size, and thus had had to be crumpled slightly to fit. “Somepony who works for him, and yet is dumb enough to think he’ll overlook somepony stealing his identity?”
“Can you find Dr. Peculiar?” The nurse walked around Phillip so she could look in his eyes.
Phillip unhooked his trilby from the bedpost and settled it on his head. “I’m on it. Go make sure his patients are okay.”
The nurse nodded gratefully and left the room.
Phillip got ready as fast as he could, wondering all the while what to expect. Was going really the best idea? Who was he dealing with?
He happened to glance at his boarded up window on the way out the door, and thought of Shocking Snap. Then he wondered if this was a disguised cry for help.
He felt inside his vest for his baton. Hope for the best; prepare for the worst…
The ruins of my success, Phillip Finder thought as he headed out of his hotel room. That’s what’s left of Ray Tower. Got to make it by ten…
It was already nine AM; the streets and public transport would be jam-packed, but surely the roof would be free. He fished his cloud charm out of his vest and put it around his neck, just in case; then he climbed up the stairs to the top floor of the inn and emerged onto roof access. Pegasi traffic was a bit heavy; a colored form darted across his vision frequently. There was no truly fast way to get around in big cities like these, but he’d do what he could. He dashed across the hotel roof and clambered up the outside of the fire escape on the taller building next door; then he pulled himself onto the flat, gravel-coated roof and kept going. Jumping over streets, dashing across roofs, weaving around chimneys, heading along the shore.
Eventually, he reached a cluster of wild clouds that weather pegasi were trying to herd together. Pausing just long enough to crouch, he sprung extra high and skidded into the fluffy cloud surface, the charm keeping his hooves from sinking farther than an inch. He used these to cover the remaining distance to Ray Tower.
“Look, over there in the sky,” he heard a weather pegasus say. “It’s a bird!”
“No, it’s a balloon.”
“No, it’s SuperStar!”
“…SuperStar isn’t brown…”
Phillip didn’t hear the rest of that conversation.
The ruins of Ray Tower rose into view: twisted heaps of gray and red metal , heaps of black ashes, scattered glass. Tyrant that he was, Ray Gun had developed magical mines that would go off when he was dead and had implanted them all throughout the building, allowing him to blackmail and hold hostage a large number of ponies. The survivors had already been extracted, but due to the mildly dangerous magical radiation in the area, clean-up had been put on hold.
Phillip checked his watch; 9:20. He wouldn’t suffer any bad effects if he was only in there for forty minutes. If he failed, another explosion would happen…
He jumped up and down on the cloud a bit to force it downward, then leapt onto a support structure that hadn’t fallen yet. Before climbing down, he scanned the ruins; nopony was obviously visible from above, so he looked for possible hiding places.
The biggest such place was a balloon hanger, so he dashed towards that. This had formerly been the center for shipping massive objects; it was on the edge of the blast and had barely been touched.
One of the huge sheet metal doors had bent upward, so Phillip slipped in; less than half the lights were still working, but he could see the huge empty building, many stories tall. To the edge were assorted piles of tools, ropes, shipping crates, and other equipment. He trotted towards them; the shadows were deeper there, so he pulled out a flashlight to hold in his teeth.
Then he saw it. In the back corner, glowing slightly, was a dark yellow unicorn.
Phillip Finder galloped over; the doctor was tied to a support beam, had a magic-blocking ring clamped around his horn, and had a thick black strap securing a quietly beeping box to his neck. His head was bowed and his hooves were folded near his mouth; it looked like he was praying.
“Doctor?” Phillip trotted closer.
Dr. Peculiar looked up, his teal eyes wet with tears. “You… you came…”
“Of course I did.”Phillip slid behind the support beam and started working on the ropes.
“Phillip, I…”
“Hey, Doc, positive is the one that’s always right, right?”
The nearby door to a stairwell opened, and a gray pegasus sauntered out. Her golden mane was bouncing against her neck.
She apparently hadn’t seen Phillip behind the beam. He stepped out and glared at her. “So we meet at last, Honey Quill.”
The gray pegasus froze, her wings snapping out at her side. “N-no, not yet, I’m not ready, you weren’t…”
“You’ve got a lot to answer for,” Phillip snarled, pulling his baton out and snapping it open with a sharp flick of his wrist.
Honey took flight, launching herself up toward the roof of the hanger. Phillip turned and ran up the stairs, arriving just in time to see Honey emerging from a hatch. She screamed and flapped frantically away from the building, but if he jumped he could still catch—
A loud bang like a firecracker made Phillip freeze; for a second, the fleeing gray pegasus looked like a light blue pegasus, flapping unevenly from a glass injured wing…
The slight hesitation was all Honey needed, and in a moment she was out of range. Stupid flashbacks , Phillip internally grumbled to himself.
But he’d better try to get the bomb off of Dr. Peculiar now; he could worry about catching Honey again later.
His trip back down the stairs was a little slower as he tried to bring his heart rate down. When he found Dr. Peculiar again, the unicorn now had his hooves folded into his coat.
“I… I couldn’t catch her, Doctor. Sorry.”
Dr. Peculiar choked out a small sob. “I-I…”
“It’s not your fault.” Phillip sat down in front of Dr. Peculiar and reached around to unstrap the bomb. “I’ll just have to find her another—” A stab of pain made him gasp in shock, and he looked down to see a hypodermic needle jabbed into his back leg. A dark yellow hoof was holding it.
Phillip looked back at Dr. Peculiar; the unicorn was crying harder now. “Why?” Phil asked.
Dr. Peculiar just shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I wish… I had to… I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
Phillip felt his vision fading, and he tumbled sideways to the ground, still hearing Dr. Peculiar’s voice.
“It’ll be fine, it needs to be fine, I looked at it and it’s fine, you… you’re strong, you’re so much better… you’ll be fine, you have to be fine, I don’t think—oh, as long you know… can you hear me? Please be fine… you need to know it’s complimentary, can you hear me? C-complimentary… please… I’m so sorry…”
Weird kind of compliment , Phil thought as the words faded from hearing.
Lesson 5: Think On Your Hooves
The power plant was a long, low building, built of stone and mostly windowless. It was half on a cliff near sea level, and half jutting out into the ocean. The difference between the old, crumbling, salt-stained brick walls of the hydroelectric section and the newer off-white crystal matrix section was jarring.
About twenty ponies surrounded the building, most armed. Zugzwang didn’t plan on taking chances in case Phillip did somehow have something to do with this.
Zugzwang examined the plant from between the leaves of the bushes he was using for concealment. He drew a long puff of smoke from his cigar thoughtfully; Honey had not chosen a terribly romantic location.
Two unicorns, an older mare and young stallion, approached his hiding place, the stallion nearly tripping over his own hooves in his haste.
“Well?” Zugzwang asked them.
“Th-the walls have so much lead and crystal and stuff in them-” the stallion stammered.
“I asked for information, not excuses.”
The mare stepped forward, her graying bangs falling in her eyes. “I detect some unusual magic that doesn’t belong there. The place is supposed to be broken down, after all. I can’t tell what the exact spells are, but they probably aren’t volatile.”
“Danke,” Zugzwang said, nodding. “And you, little pup?”
The stallion coughed. “Ah… I could only find three lifeforms. All ponies. But one of them is asleep, and one is so faint I think he or she is dying. No unicorns.”
Zugzwang nodded to him. “And why did you feel the need to complain about the difficulty of the job when you were successful? The first thing you should learn about me, Vital Sign, is that I don’t appreciate ponies who waste my time.”
He waved to two gunponies, who nodded and dashed up to the power plant entrance. Others scouted the perimeter of the building, looking for traps.
While waiting, Zugzwang telekinetically drew a small purse from his suit pocket and unfolded it to reveal a miniature chess set in gold and silver, enchanted to stay fixed to the squares. He offered the set to Vital Sign. “You remember where we left off, of course?”
Vital Sign squirmed, no doubt reminded of the nasty pin Zugzwang had had him in. “R-right, let’s continue…”
Zugzwang appreciated games with amateurs. Naturally he enjoyed the challenge of playing with other grandmasters and using his brain’s utmost power, but he also liked to unwind by playing games like these, where he had the leisure to hunt down and destroy his opponent’s pieces one by one.
Before long, Vital Sign’s pawn, one of the few pieces he had remaining, was making a mad dash to the end of the board, its progress slowed by the fact that Zugzwang had two rooks chasing his king around in a series of narrowly escapable checks.
“All clear, sir,” a member of the search team said. “Do you want us to search inside too?”
“Nein; Honey wants romance, and there is nothing romantic in sending in an investigative team first. I trust your judgment.” Zugzwang snapped the travel chessboard shut. “We will resume later.”
Vital Sign grimaced.
“Mein companions,” Zugzwang said to the assembled henchponies, “Be alert; if there is any trouble, I will use my magic to summon you, and I hope you will adapt quickly.”
The ponies nodded, and Zugzwang wove through them and headed for the door of the power plant. It was not the main entrance, but it had been left unlocked, and so seemed an obvious sign for where to go in. It was part of the old hydroelectric plant; the hallway was carved from the cold white natural rock, while the walls were made of glass, tinted green by the side effect of an outdated reinforcement spell. The rooms behind the glass used to be full of machinery, but it had been stripped out during the transition, so now the rooms were just empty.
The door dilated open to reveal a short metal tunnel not much taller than Zugzwang; a few feet away it opened up into a large white ceramic-coated room with a small wooden structure at the far side, too far away for Zugzwang to see clearly.
Zugzwang made it to the end of the tunnel, and then blue lightning filled his vision. It felt like his horn was being shoved into his head. He collapsed to one side, putting all his strength into summoning the guards. At first this only made his head hurt worse, but he pressed on, until the pain slowly faded to nothing…
…Nothing. It shouldn’t feel like nothing. He was casting a high level spell; why did it feel like nothing was happening?
His vision returned shortly after this observation. He craned his neck to see that the door, naturally, had closed. Standing up made his head swim, but he managed to stagger out of the tunnel into the white room. Then he turned around.
Sure enough, over the exit of the tunnel, where it couldn’t be seen walking in, was some kind of strange device. It was arch shaped, with several yellow blinking gemstones studding it. He tried to probe it with his magic to learn more, but continued to feel nothing.
He’d heard the rumors, but had had no idea the project was anything more than a possibility: a gate that had the ability to neutralize the magic of any unicorn passing through it, a security measure for jail cells and sporting events. And this, it seemed, was the prototype.
Acquiring such a device was more in line with Honey’s talents than with Phillip’s, but if Honey thought this was the way to Zugzwang’s heart, she was about to painfully learn otherwise.
***
Tell me, tell me, Honey child, Why do ponies fear the dark? It’s only when your eyes are closed That you can start to dream. Tell me, tell me, Honey child, Why do ponies fear the void? It’s the place where Nothing stands in your way For you to become a queen…
The soft song was the only thing running through Phillip’s brain; sight, motion, and tactile sensation was still fuzzy.
Then his hind legs were jerked up and his head started swimming. His eyes sprang open before they remembered he was supposed to be unconscious, and he saw an upside down gargoyle leering at him. He tilted his chin to his chest and took in the situation; he was hanging upside down, his hind legs lashed together with a thick rope that was attached to a kind of pulley several yards up. He looked around and down; he was in a concrete column, several stories tall, with turbulent waters at the bottom. Some kind of storage tank? Or something related to sewage? The only other clue was the occasional gargoyles lining the walls.
Two grey hooves reach down from the pulley's beam and jiggled the rope. “Hi there, Finder.”
Phillip Finder scowled up at the unseen mare. “Honey Quill.”
“It’s Honey Words right now, if you don’t mind.”
“Why do you think you can work for Zugzwang and come away in one piece? You’re a resource to him, nothing more.”
Honey Words bounced on top of the support beam, shaking the rope. “You know nothing about us! About him! About me! My love for him is pure and unending, and you’re messing everything up!”
“What the hay…?” Phillip muttered to himself, then winced as the bounces jolted him.
“You’re distracting Zugzwang! We can never be together as long as he’s obsessed with you, and it’s not fair!”
Phillip Finder let the bounces sway him, then started turning it into a steady swinging motion. He wasn’t really listening, because Honey was clearly missing a few marbles.
“Well, I’ll tell you what I think of you, Phillip Finder. Better, I’ll show you. Did you ever hear of crystaldiles?”
Phillip swung like a pendulum, rocking his body to maintain momentum.
“They were cute little reptiles with bodies made of solid crystal. Ponies found them in the Frozen North and exported them down south as pets, unaware of the effect heat would have on their magical bodies…”
Phillip reached out for a gargoyle on the wall. His hoof landed on top of its head, but the downward momentum from his swing was apparently too much strain for the worn-down stone support, and the demonic creature tipped over and plummeted into the churning water below.
As soon as it hit the water, a pair of giant, pink, sparkly jaws rose up and crushed the gargoyle like it was made of glass.
“…And here comes the poor darling now,” Honey Words said, peering over the edge. “Thrown into the sewers when she was too large to keep. Now she lives on what few stupid fish wander into this tank. Like you. Goodbye, Finder.”
Phillip Finder kicked off the wall and angled his sway slightly, grabbing a different gargoyle just as Honey released a winch. The rope rattled freely down into the water.
But the gargoyle held to the wall, and Phillip held to the gargoyle.
He looked up and saw Honey Words glaring down at him.
She groaned. “You’ve gotta be kidding me… Let me find something to throw at you real quick…”
He looked down at the water; the crystaldile had swum to the splashing sound and was now trying to chew up the rope. He studied the smooth wall of the tank and judged the distance upward; the rope was his only way back up and out of this place; he didn’t want to take the chance that there was a pony-sized pipe leading out of the tank, especially if he had to search for it with the crystaldile hunting him.
A brick smashed against the side of the tank next to his head and the pieces crumbled into the water below.
“Missed…” Honey snarled.
The crystaldile swam towards the sound, the low light glittering off her scaly back and jeweled blue eyes.
This was his chance.
Phil let himself fall from the gargoyle ten feet to the crystaldile’s back. Then he wrapped all of his legs around the beast’s mouth and held on tightly.
The crystaldile thrashed its head in the air, straining to open its jaws. Then it plunged under the water so fast Phillip barely had time to draw breath. When it surfaced, it was near the rope leading up to the winch, which Phillip quickly grabbed with his teeth. The crystaldile tried to dive again, and Phillip let go. Before the stone beast could realize it was free, Phillip wrapped his forehooves around the rope and started to climb up.
Another brick came tumbling down, and Phillip only just swung aside in time.
“Stop escaping!” Honey screamed.
“If you wanted me dead, why the hay didn’t you slit my throat while I was unconscious?” Phillip shouted back.
Honey apparently hadn’t thought of that, since she was silent for a moment.
“Y-y-you just weren’t supposed to be doing it this fast! The game isn’t fun if you start winning before Zugzwang even—” She gasped. “Oh-h-h gosh, he’s here! I’ll be right back!” She soared off over Phillip Finder’s head to a place he couldn’t see.
Phillip rolled his eyes and kept climbing up the rope. How did she become so feared when she was really so stupid?
But what had she meant about a game? And had she been saying that Zugzwang was… here?
This was going to be an interesting day…
***
Zugzwang spent a full two minutes prodding the arch to try and figure out how to make it work in reverse. Unfortunately, the best he could figure was that the process couldn’t be reversed, which was probably the reason why such an effective machine was still a prototype. He’d have to wait for the curse to wear off, which could be hours or even days.
“Lovely,” he muttered to himself as he pocketed the gemstones and precious metals from the arch. At least they might be useful.
There was clearly nothing to gain on this end of the room, so he crossed the cold ceramic column to examine the wooden structure at the far end. It was a poorly-hammered together staircase resting on top of a huge metal drain. The staircase apparently led nowhere, except to a small panel on the wall.
“Ja, I get it,” Zugzwang said to nobody as he pushed the rickety staircase and watched it wobble. “This was all a plan to get me to step on an unsafe staircase and die of a broken neck. Your cruelty knows no bounds.”
But although the staircase swayed easily, it didn’t look like the boards themselves were going to break, so step by step, setting his hooves down carefully, he made his way to the platform on the top, all the while wondering if Phillip Finder would ever believe a pony like him could die from a broken neck.
…Actually, that gave him an idea. He filed it away for later use.
The panel on the wall turned out to be a box bolted to the wall containing slider puzzle. A very familiar slider puzzle. A flimsy paper sign above the slider puzzle read, “Tired of leading a sheltered life, the princess has decided to run away for freedom. Armed guards are blocking her path to escape. Her freedom depends on you. Can you make it?”
The giant red square that was meant to be navigated outside the puzzle to win now had a crudely drawn alicorn on it, but otherwise the puzzle was the very one Zugzwang had gifted to Honey on her birthday. Well, there was one more change: Honey had pulled the nails out of the frame of the puzzle and nailed in new ones. Presumably to reset the puzzle, since Celestia knew she couldn’t solve it the way it was meant to be solved.
Zugzwang sighed and knocked on the wall. “Honey? Where are you? Come out, little one.” Silence. “You know I know how to solve this puzzle. Why do you wish to toy with me? Come out and we can talk.”
There was a bang and a muffled clatter behind the wall. “Solve the puzzle,” said a growly voice.
“Honey Words, please; of course I remember the voice synthesizer Ray Gun was developing. I would rather you not insult my intelligence if you wish to stay on my good side, mein freund.”
“Freund!?” Honey Words screamed.
A hatch popped open in the wall near the ceiling, and Honey Words leaned out to glare at Zugzwang.
“St-stop calling me that!” Honey Words wailed. “I never want you to call me that again!”
Zugzwang hissed to himself, “Keep behaving like this, and trust me, I won’t.”
“I don’t want to just be your freund,” Honey sobbed, getting the pronunciation all wrong. “Why can’t you see that?”
Salt tears fell on Zugzwang’s nose, and he sighed. All this effort just to deal with a temper tantrum. “Mein kleiner, you have made yourself very special to me. Why so upset? How have I mistreated you?”
Honey slid back inside the wall, out of sight, still sobbing. She eventually reemerged, her eyes still wet but her voice steadier. “You don’t really love me. You love Phillip.”
Zugzwang was not left speechless very often, but he suddenly became busy trying to figure out which sentence was stupider. “Love… Phillip. What… how did you…?”
“Figure it out?” Honey flared her wings out. “You call him your liebling and caress a picture of him!”
“How did you draw such an insane conclusion…?” Zugzwang asked.
“Well! I’ll tell you how insane I am!” Honey gestured to the puzzle below her. “I kidnapped your precious liebling and hid him somewhere in this power plant. To find him you have to solve all the puzzles I set in here, starting with this one. It was supposed to be the best present I’d ever given to you.”
What a dorky idea. And yet not without its charm... “Mein kleiner, what a lovely surprise. I am only sorry you didn’t explain the idea sooner, so I could tell you how much I—”
“Y-y-you did it again!”
“Did what, mein kleiner—”
“Stop! Stop it right now!” Honey pounded against the wall. “Kleiner? I’m just your little one now? After all I’ve done for you, how devoted I’ve been to you, and going to all this trouble to make you the best present ever, I’m still not your liebling?”
“Mein Honey—” That was probably safe enough— “Mein Honey, you are not any less precious to me just because I have other ponies I cherish. You are still—”
“N-no!” Honey flew out of the hole and hovered over Zugzwang, staying out of reach. “I don’t want to settle! I want you all to myself! And why should I settle for anything less than what I want?” She glared down at Zugzwang. “I didn’t tell you this at first because I didn’t want you to get mad at me, but… Phillip is dead. He died trying to escape. Now who is your liebling?”
Zugzwang just stared at her.
She was probably lying. Phillip was harder to kill than that.
But if she wasn’t… for his game with Finder to end so suddenly, so abruptly, so unsatisfyingly…
“Honey.” His voice was low, menacing, and no longer trying to soothe her. “What do you mean? How did he die?”
Honey tossed her golden curls impertinently. “He fell into a pool with a crystaldile… okay, I may have dropped him in, but that’s beside the point.”
“Und you stayed to watch him die, I take it?”
“Do I look like a hopeless rookie to you?”
Zugzwang looked over his shoulder at the slider puzzle nailed to the wall and decided not to comment.
“Of course I watched him die!” Honey continued. “I saw the crystaldile swallow him alive and heard his dying screams. It was pretty satisfying.”
Zugzwang stared at her a little longer.
Then he laughed.
“…What?” Honey asked.
Zugzwang sat down and leaned against the wall, unable to stand up from laughing so hard. “Oh, kleiner… What a funny story…”
“Fun—I just said Phillip died!”
Zugzwang pushed himself upright, controlling himself. “Oh, that was rich. But next time you lie to me, Honey Words, try to put a little more thought into it.” He grinned at her. “Or was that another one of your ‘clever’ puzzles?”
Honey was bristling. She dashed back to her hole in the wall. “Well, if you like puzzles so much, solve the slider puzzle already!”
“Honey,” Zugzwang said, keeping his tone patient, “You know that I know the solution, and it’s so very long and boring. Can’t we just—”
“Then you’d better go fast!” Honey shouted, closing the hatch again.
Zugzwang stared at the wall for a while. She had been one of his more helpful and loyal servants, and had gone to all this ‘effort’ to create what, had it been executed correctly, would have been a lovely present. And yet, she felt within her rights to deprive him of his magic and make him do stupid exercises. What to do with her…?
A loud grinding of gears shook Zugzwang out of his thoughts, and he looked up where the sound was coming from.
The ceiling was, unlike the ceramic room around him, made of slightly rusting metal.
It was also descending.
“Honey!” Zugzwang shouted. “What do you think you are doing?”
A muffled, echoing voice came from behind the wall. “You won’t die. If you solve the puzzle. And you’re oh-so-confident you can…”
Zugzwang began plans for murderous vengeance. But first, the puzzle. The puzzle that was solved with a minimum of 84 moves.
Zugzwang sat down, the better to use both hooves, and started sliding. He’d had the solution memorized, but he’d never solved it without telekinesis before, so his muscle memory was all thrown off. Blue rectangles and green squares zipped around, the red square nudging ever closer to the exit.
The ceiling was past the hatch where Honey had come out now, so she wouldn’t be swooping in to save him. He had to admit, with begrudging admiration, that putting the puzzle on top of a staircase was fiendish; if the ceiling slid past the puzzle, he’d be able to jump down and save himself… for another helpless minute as he was slowly crushed to death, his way of escape cut off.
Slide, slide, slide… only a couple dozen moves to go…
The ceiling was now only a foot above his head…
Hooves racing, heart pounding, just a few more moves…
And with a sigh of relief, he pushed the red square with the princess on it out of the puzzle to freedom. “All done. Now stop the ceiling.”
The ceiling hit his horn and kept pushing down. Honey wasn’t answering.
Zugzwang slid off the wooden platform and stumbled down the shaking stairs. “Honey! You saw I solved the—”
His words were drowned out as the ceiling pushed against the shoddy wooden construction. All the boards creaked, then the whole thing fell to pieces, not stopping the metal ceiling’s progress at all.
On the wall, where it had previously been hidden by a staircase, was another sign. Zugzwang picked his way across the metal grate covered in splintery wood until he was close enough to read it. It was a piece of linen cloth with words written on it in marker. The cloth was coming out of two slits in the wall.
“What was the tie I gave you yesterday made out of?”
“Silk,” Zugzwang said, confused. What kind of puzzle was this?
The linen appeared to be on a continuous strip, since the part of cloth with the question on it slid into one of the holes in the wall and a part of cloth with another question emerged from the other side. “Say it two times.”
“Silk silk.” Wait, he knew this one.
A new question appeared. “Say it three times.”
“Silk silk silk.” This wasn’t a riddle; it was a mouth trick.
“Say it four times.”
“Silk silk silk silk.” Zugzwang felt silly.
The idea was to force the pony being asked the riddle to say ‘silk’ a lot of times, and then the final question was, “What do cows drink?” The idea was that, because they were so used to saying ‘silk’ they’d instinctively spit out ‘milk’ even though only calves drink milk, not full grown cows.
“Say it five times.”
The ceiling hit his horn again, and Zugzwang lay down to avoid it. “Silk silk silk silk silk.” He’d have to be sure to answer ‘water’ when a different question showed up…
“Say it six times!”
The ceiling hit Zugzwang’s horn again, and he lay his head on the ground. That infuriating girl! “Silk silk silk silk silk silk!”
The cloth slowly rolled. The cold metal ceiling touched his shoulders. The next question was something different!
“Water!” Zugzwang shouted, and the ceiling stopped. That was too close…
Wait.
The question on the cloth was “What do calves drink?”
Zugzwang’s rage was such that he couldn’t speak. She’d tricked him. That… bratty girl… somehow… tricked… him…
“Too bad,” a sing-song voice said from behind the wall. “You lose. Time for a penalty round!”
The grate beneath Zugzwang’s stomach slid open, dropping Zugzwang into complete blackness.
Author's Note
How did Encyclopedia Zugzwang know that Honey was lying about Phillip's death?
The solution to "The Crystaldile Caper" is on page 49.