Billy Mays goes to equestria

Billy Mays goes to Equestria
(Remake of applejack meets Billy Mays)

It was a normal day in Ponyville; the village residents were going about their regular business and activities, the colts and fillies were playing games in the town square, Celestia’s sun was high in the sky making the day beautiful and hot and it would be plenty more hours until Luna’s moon started rising, so the ponies were getting the most out of the day as they can but….

In the center of Ponyville, a portal of some sorts opened up, crowds of ponies soon gathered around the portal to investigate, they all stood there unmoving wondering what going to come out, a monster, a pony, something, they didn’t know but what they did know was that something big was going to come out.

After a while some ponies dispersed from the crowd and others just slept, the portal had been open for some time now and it looked like nothing was going to come out, UNTIL…

A large bipedal creature walked out, all ponies were shocked at what came out; it was nothing their imaginations could come up with, it wore a navy blue shirt with “OXYCLEAN” stitched above the left peck, he wore khaki pants and black loafers, the only reason ponies weren’t running away were because of his trademark smile and godlike beard… it was Billy Mays.

“BILLY MAYS HERE” Billy Mays said to the crowd, whenever he spoke, he spoke loud with power and grace, like all gods with old spice, he had a beard and what a beard it was, it was jet black and full, it held power and control and it was washed with a mixture of old spice and oxyclean and it grew full with green now! And he dried it using a turbo tiger; it was the perfect way to clean.

Billy Mays stepped forward from the portal and it closed instantly, some ponies stepped back but none ran because of his smile and generally nice aura that was coming off him, there was also another reason… it was his beard, they were mesmerized by it, it was so perfect and full.

“IM GOING TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CANT REFUSE” Billy Mays said, some ponies were intrigued and some were scared but they didn’t run away.

Billy Mays pulled out an awesome auger, some of the ponies were confused as to how he got the device out of nowhere and others were curious to what actually the device was.

Billy Mays turned the device on and ponies were startled by the noise but curiosity held them in place.

“HAVE YOU EVER HAD TROUBLE DIGGING HOLES, ESPEACIALY EARTH PONIES” said Billy Mays, this caught the attention of the earth ponies but since unicorns used magic and pegasi didn’t have gardens (except Fluttershy) they didn’t have a use for it.

“WELL NO PROBLEM, THE AWESOME AUGER IS THE MOST RELIABLE WAY TO DIG HOLES IN YOUR GARDEN” Billy Mays proceeded to stick the awesome auger into the ground and immediately a fresh hole appeared in the ground, perfect for plants and seeds, the earth ponies were in awe at how easy it seemed, the pegasi felt indifferent and the unicorns were bored.

“Ah cud use one ah a those,” shouted Applejack from the front of the crowd holding a bag of bits in her hand, Billy Mays placed the awesome auger on the ground in front of her and grabbed the bag of bits, as soon as the bits were grabbed, a wave of ponies flooded Billy Mays for purchases of the Awesome Auger.

As soon as the purchases were handled, Billy Mays summoned another item forth, it was a Turbo Tiger, some of the crowed left after having purchased their.
Goods but some stayed to see what this new contraption did.

“BILLY MAYS HERE, WITH YET ANOTHER SPECIAL OFFER” he said as he turned on the Turbo Tiger.

“DO YOU PEGASUS PONIES WANT TO DO YOUR JOB FASTER” Billy Mays said holding up the Turbo Tiger, the pegasi immediately perked at this, especially Rainbow dash, who like the thought of doing her job even faster than before.

“NOW WITH THE TURBO TIGER YOU CAN ABSORB CLOUDS WITH EASE”

Billy Mays demonstrated this by flying high in the sky, this earned a collection of gasps by the Pegasus ponies and dumfounded stares by the unicorns but they were short lived, as the Turbo Tiger, which earned a round of applause, immediately sucked up the clouds.

“ME FIRST!” Shouted Rainbow as she replaced the Turbo Tiger with a bag of bits and flew away and immediately Billy Mays was flooded with pegasi wanting a Turbo Tiger.

“NOW FOR YOU UN—“ Billy Mays was cut off as a large explosion, blew him of his feet, he landed face first in a pile of dirt, all the ponies gasped at this and their gaze was pointed to the smoke caused by the explosion, a figure stood in the smoke; He wore a black t-shirt with a strange yellow writing stitched into it, he had strange pointed hair and appeared to be holding a yellow cloth in his hand.

Billy Mays turned around on the ground to look at what happened, when he caught sight of the figure that loomed over him, he gasped in shock and tried backing away only to find his attempts futile for the blast took most of his energy.
“Y-Y-YOU!” Stuttered Billy Mays pointing at the strange figure above him. The person moved closer to Billy Mays revealing himself………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. SHAMWOW GUY.

“Yes, it is I.” He spoke in a wretched voice, one of which broke glass and made babies cry… yes it was bad.

Billy Mays didn’t even say anything; he just got up and delivered a blow to Shamwow guy’s face… that failed, Shamwow guy put his Shamwow in front of Billy Mays fist causing him to become weak, he fell to the ground.

“H-H-HOW!” Stuttered Billy Mays.

“The power of shamwow is far greater than the power of old spice!”

Shamwow guy picked up Billy Mays by the neck and threw him into a building… that coincidently belonged to Twilight Sparkle.

“…. OW”

“W-W-WHAT” Shouted Twilight Sparkle in surprise, the creature Broke threw her wall and destroyed a bookcase.

Billy Mays got up from the wreckage and pointed to Twilight Sparkle.

“GET PRINCESS LUNA QU—“ He couldn’t finish his sentence and he was covered in a yellow aura and dragged through another wall, causing the library to collapse on one side.

Twilight stood there with her mouth agape, she ran over to her desk and began writing a letter to princess Luna.

“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA” laughed Shamwow guy as he kept whacking Billy Mays against the ground, each time with a sickening crack.

“STOP.” Billy Mays was hit into a applecart.

“THIS.” He was then crushed into the side of lyra’s house.

“YOU.” He was launched into the air and landed on his back with a crack, creating a small crater in the cobblestone ground.

“FUCK.” Billy Mays was mad… really mad; He picked himself up off the ground and Shamwow guy tried to pick him up again but failed, Billy Mays eyes went a red and white color like old spice and picked up Shamwow guy with his own magic and shot him into the air, he then flew into the air as quick as Shamwow guy was flying up and with the power of old spice he punched Shamwow guy into the ground at a speed faster than light.

At Canterlot castle princess Luna was in her chambers trying on socks… I know, she was in the middle of putting on the sock on her right foreleg, then in a puff of smoke there was a letter, unfortunately this caused Luna to fall flat on her face.

“ow…” She said while getting off the ground rubbing her nose, sorry I mean muzzle and picked up the letter in magic.

“A letter… ALETTER!” Luna was overjoyed to receive a letter, her first letter, EVER.

Luna began to squeal with joy and unwrapped the letter and immediately her face dropped into a frown; the letter was full of spelling mistakes and the hoof writing was terrible, it clearly rushed.

Ponniville qwik need halp

Luna face hooved and flew outside her window off to ponyville.

“DONE ‘pant’ YET” Said a tired Billy Mays. They had been fighting for a little over an hour now and have destroyed a good half of ponyville, luckily most of the ponies had the common sense to get the hell out of there.

“NEVER!” Shouted Shamwow guy. He was still powerful, you see, depending on the innocence of the universe there currently in they have more power, you see, Billy Mays would have more power if the universe wasn’t full of pussies and softies, Shamwow guy vice versa, I MEAN, come on, they didn’t run away from the big scary creature, they accepted it immediately and nopony has even tried to stop them from destroying their town yet.

“THEN YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!”

Billy Mays clicked his fingers and several portals opened behind him. Out of these portals appeared or more accurately, dropped gods of old spice.

60’s Spiderman

Dovahkiin

And for some reason Gandalf
“I HAVE BROUGHT ALL—“ 60’s Spiderman interrupted Billy Mays.

“I don’t give a FUCK about your problems, just send me home.” Said 60’s Spiderman angrily.

“Have you no honor!” Said Dovahkiin angrily.

“OH. I have honor, right here.” 60’s Spiderman then pointed to his ass, his perfectly badly drawn ass.

“ENOUGH!” Shouted Shamwow guy.

“I have allies too”

He used his Shamwow to whip the ground creating a fissure, and out of the fissure crawled…

60’s Batman and robin

The hero of kvatch

And for some reason Dumbledore

“HOLY GEE BATMAN” Half shouted Robin.

“ATTACK” “ATTACK”

Both Shamwow guy and Billy Mays ordered their ragtag team of gods to attack with varied results.

Batman and Robin ran into the distance with their trademark theme tune

‘nanananananananananananannananannanananannananan’

Sooooooo, basically… they did fuck all

60’s Spiderman, of course, didn’t give a fuck, so he reached into his non-existent pockets and pulled out his phone.

“Lulu”

“Yeah im alright”

“Billy FUCKING Mays wanted my help”

“Of course I don’t give a fuck, you know I gave you my one and only fuck”

“I love you too”

He put the phone back in his pockets and got the hell out of there. How? Because I don’t give a fuck if you know, I’m not going to tell you.

The hero of Kvatch and Dovahkiin were locked blades in an epic battle but in the end, the hero of Kvatch fell to his knees with Dovahkiin’s blade at his throat.

“Any last words, worthy adversary”

The hero of Kvatch didn’t respond. Dovahkiin smirked and prepared to deliver the final blow… but something stopped him, it wasn’t physical, or emotional.
They were both confused but then, in front of Dovahkiin’s appeared a rectangle with word’s he dreaded more than anything, not even a million alduins scared him as much as these word’s.

‘ Skyrim.app has encountered a problem’

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Dovahkinn shouted at the top of his lungs as he froze in place.

The hero of Kvatch seen this as an opportunity and out of nowhere a sword appeared in his hand. As you all know the hero of Kvatch is capable of achieving feats such as this, to this day no one knows how he does this, but alas, we know, it was the mighty power of ‘HAX’S.

The hero of Kvatch decapitated Dovahkiin and the head landed with a ‘thump’… he was no more, and billions of people started crying for some unknown reason.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I HAVE WON.” Hollered the hero of Kvatch as he started the shuffle on the spot but unfortunately, a fate worse than death awaited him.

Unknowingly to the hero of Kvatch standing right behind him WAS…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“HAXXXXXXXXXXX” Shouted Dr.Hax as a computer monitor flew at lightspeed at the hero of Kvatch’s head, banning him to the realm of HAX for all of eternity. He then disappeared into thin air.

While all this was happening Gandalf and Dumbledore were trying to find out how to battle each other, because you see… It is really obvious that Gandalf is over a quadrillion times stronger than Dumbledore; every wizard knew this so after much arguing they came to an agreement.

GANDALF

YOU
SHALL
NOT
PASS
I RAP FAST LIKE SHADDOW FAX.
TOM RIDDLE ME THIS YOU BITCH.
HOWS YOUR LITTLE WAND GOING TO BEAT MY STAFF.
I LEAVE MIC’S IN FLAMES.
TORCHED BY GANDALF.
TOUCH MINE, DUMBLEDORE AND SCORCH YOUR OTHER HAND OFF.
YOU FOOL,
YOU GOT SNAPED.
YOUR NOT A REAL FIGHTER.
DEATH MAKE YOU DIE,
IT JUST MAKES MY BRIGHTS BRIGHTER.
YOUR ASS IS LIKE GRINGOTS,
EVERYONE MAKES A DEPOSIT.
WE ALL KNOW YOU GOT MORE THAN A BOGGART IN YOUR CLOSET.

DUMBLEDORE

THE PROPHECY FORGOT TO METION THIS DAY,
WHEN I TURNED YOUR ASS BACK TO GANDALF THE GREY.
CHECK YOUR STATUS, THEY CALL ME HEADMASTER, YOUR NOTHING.
NICE STAFF, YOU COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.
I PREFER THE COMPANY OF WIZARDS AND IM PROUD OF IT.
YOU TRY TO WIN YOUR BATTLES WITH TO FAT HOBBITS.
DO YOU THINK YOU HAIRY TOED FRIENDS GONNA HARM ME
WAIT UNTILL THEY GET THE TASTE OF DUMBLEDORES ARMY.

GANDALF

DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS
I DON’T GIVE A FAWKES ABOUT YOUR ORDER OF PHOENIX
I’LL TIE A NEW KNOT IN YOUR BEARD
WITH YOUR WRINKLY BALLS
FOR I AM THE ONE RAPPER
TO RULE THEM ALL

DUMBLEDORE

YOUR SPELLS ARE A JOKE,
NOT FUNNY ONES EITHER.
MINES OF MORIA
HA!
MORE LIKE, MIND OF MENCIA
I’LL EXSPECTO MY PETRONUM ALL OVER YOUR FACE YOU LITTLE SNITCH
AND WHEN IM FINISHED, I’LL FLY LIKE ITS QUIDITCH.

After that epic rap battle Dumbledore flew away defeated, why? Because he was a pussy and ran away with a gay wizard on a broom, what do you expect?

Meanwhile Shamwow guy and Billy Mays were locked in an epic battle, fists were flying and blasts of magic were fired this lasted for several minutes before they were interrupted by non other than princess Luna herself

“STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!” Shouted Luna in her Canterlot voice, it destroyed Shamwow guy’s eardrums but Billy Mays was perfectly fine due to two reasons

1. HE’S BILLY GODAMN MAYS
   
2. THE POWER OF OLD SPICE PROTECTED HIM

“BITCH, YOU DESTROYED MY EARDRUMS.” Shamwow guy wasn’t aware of how loud he was shouting.

“BE GONE FROM THESE LANDS” Shouted Luna as she charged her horn full of power, ready to remove this bane from her lands.

“IF IM GONNA GO, IM TAKING YOU ALL WITH ME”

At that moment Shamwow guy ripped the Shamwow in half causing a fissure to open up in the ground.

“BY THE SPICE” Shouted Billy Mays; for what was climbing out of the fissure was one of the greatest threats to all the universe…

KATAMARI

Soon the Katamari theme tune played and started picking up anything it rolled over, even Shamwow guy was killed.

“WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE PRINCESS.” Said Billy Mays while grabbing Luna, they teleported.

“W-w-where are we” said Luna not recognizing the room. It was plain white room with no furniture and the floors resemble the texture of marble.

“WE ARE IN THE EVER ZONE”

“The what?”

“THE EVER ZONE, THIS IS WERE ALL FATE IS DICIDED, OURS IS DICIDED BY MARINESMARKSMAN, AND THE WATCHERS OF COURSE, AND NOT FORGETING THE COMMENTS, THEY WILL DICIDE YOUR FATE OF YOU AND YOUR WORLD, UNFORTUNATLY I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE, BUT NOT WITHOUT LEAVING COMFORTS”

Billy Mays reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bottle of old spice and handed it to Luna.

“WHAT THE BUCK IS GOING ON” Shouted Luna, not understanding what’s going on. Billy Mays then disappeared leaving a note behind which said.

‘YOU DICIDE’

Incase you didn’t get the hint, you decide what happens, basically you can either choose

GOOD BAD

I want to thank my watchers, marines marksman, old spice and epic rap battles of history for the lyrics for the Epic Rap