Billy Mays goes to equestria

Applejack meets Billy Mays

On a calm summers day in ponyville, Applejack was walking towards her home at sweet appleacres.

“Darn, not a single sale” she muttered to herself, she hadn’t sold a single apple today, she didn’t know what was wrong, maybe it was her sale pitch or just the fact that nopony wanted to buy apples, Caramel certainly didnt

FLASHBACK

“Buy yer apples, buy yer apples here” applejack hollered to the ponies that were doing their usual activities.

Caramel walked by the apple stand.

“Yo, Caramel” applejack half shouted to the caramel colored pony, Caramel turned to face the light brilliant gobage (LOL, I know, Its what I read on mlp wikia) colored pony.

“What” Caramel asked in an uninterested tone, which didn’t affect applejack one bit, I guess you could say she didn’t give a fu- I mean buck.

“Do yer wan ta by one of the finest apples in ther land,” said applejack pompously, holding up one of her finest apples to the uninterested stallion.

“errrrrrrrrrrm….” Caramel held his hoof to his chin as in deep thought but it was all a ruse to fool applejack, because honestly, he didn’t give a buck.

“No” said Caramel, dropping his hoof back to the ground with a “clop” sound, Applejacks face immediately deflated.

“But why, ya always want to buy mah apples” applejack said with a frown, it was true, Caramel had always bought a apple from applejack when he walked by the applestand…. But not today

Caramel shrugged and walked away.

FLASHBACK END

Applejack lowered her head lowered even more, feeling sorry for herself, she began her trot back home.

She arrived on the path that led to her home, that was located in the center of sweet apple acres but before she could reach her home there was a massive.

“SHING” sound, which resembled the sound of a surface being squeaky clean with some “oxyclean” (endorsed by Billy Mays)

A portal, the size of an awesome auger (endorsed by Billy Mays) opened up right in front of Applejack, Applejack reeled back in surprise, not really expecting a portal to pop up right in front of her, she took a defensive position in front of the portal, the portal expanded even further, expanded in width and height of a turbo tiger (endorsed by Billy Mays).

Out of the portal stepped out a man, this man had a navy blue shirt with the word “oxyclean” written above the left peck, he wore light brown pants with dark brown mountain boots and he had jet black hair but the thing that stood out the most was his godlike beard, as with all the gods of old spice, he had a magnificent beard which shown his power as a god.

“BILLY MAYS HERE” he said in his regular voice, no I’m serious, whenever he spoke, his voice was loud and carried power to it.

Billy Mays barely took a step forward when Applejack bucked him in the stomach as hard as she could; Billy Mays hit the ground with a thump and unfortunately hit his head on a rock on the way down and soon a small puddle of blood began to form.

“Oh, horseapples” applejack muttered to herself as she bit down on the collar of his now stained oxygen shirt and began to drag his body towards Fluttershys,
Because hoofly, fluttershy knew more about animals more that anyponyelse she knew, so of course fluttershy was her first choice.

After five minutes of dragging and a sizeable blood trail, applejack finally reached Fluttershys cottage, Applejack released her grip of Billy Mays and knocked twice on the door, leaving Billy Mays in awkward position on the little bridge that led to her cottage (what the fuck is that even called), he had his foot in the water, his hand on his back, his other hand on his face and his other spread making him look like a right angle.

A few seconds passed before fluttershy came to the door with that same smile on her lips.

“Well, hello App—“ she stopped mid sentence as she caught sign of the strange animal on her bridge thing (seriously what the fuck are they called) anyway she froze in place; she stared at the creature for a couple of minutes before applejack started to shake vigorously

“FLUTTERSHY” Applejack half shouted while shaking her cowardly friend vigorously

Fluttershy broke out of her trance and hid behind her mane on the ground

“W-w-what i-i-is th-th-that thing” Fluttershy stuttered to her applebucking friend

Applejack rolled her eyes and picked her friend up

“Ah don’t know, he kinda jus came out of nowhere…. Literally” Applejack said, and many readers angry because she used a long word

Fluttershy stood up and pointed to the strange creature on her bridge thing ( WHAT THE FUCK IS IT)

“What happened to his head?” said fluttershy with concern.

“Um… well” Applejack said hesitantly, rubbing the back of her head with her hoof.

“ I kina of… buckedhiminthechest” Applejack said that last bit fast in hopes that fluttershy didn’t hear her but years of mumbling and saying things fast when nervous, it seemed like perfect English to Fluttershys ears (is it English or equestrian… meh)

“You did, WHAT” fluttershy shouted to her friend (not really shouting, you know when she was a model and she got angry and she did her voice louder than usual, like that)

“Ah, didn’t mean too” applejack said turning her head in shame but then she realized, this is Fluttershy

“Wait ah minute, why the buck do I care what you think, he came out ta nowhere and scared me.” Applejack half shouted, waving her hoof for dramatic effect, even thought it wasn’t needed.

Fluttershy then cowered on the ground and hid behind her mane, Applejack rolled her eyes and helped her up.

“Ahm sorry ah shouted at ya Fluttershy, im just tad angry, that’s all” Said applejack putting her hoof on Flutteshys withers, Fluttershy smiled at her friend and walked over to the trotted over to the strange creature and poked it with her hoof, the strange t-shirt it was wearing was scratchy against her hoof, next she felt his head of hair, it felt remarkably soft and even five minutes of dragging through the dirt and blood, it was still brilliantly clean.

“Could you help me bring him into the house, that is, if you want to” said Fluttershy, shyly (I don’t give a fuck, I just want to get to Billy mays)

Applejack nodded and walked over to his strangely bent leg and bit down on the pants, she then proceeded to drag him into Fluttershys cottage.

Inside the cottage Fluttershy bandaged and cleaned the creatures head while Applejack stood in the corner, Stetson covering hiding her eyes, she needed to sleep, working thirteen hour shifts do that to you but she was awoken when she heard a small bang on the wooden floor, she lifted her head to see Fluttershy, eyes fixed on the ground, Applejack lowered her gaze to see a small plastic bottle on the floor.

“What is it?” said applejack curiously, pointing at the bottle

“I don’t know, it just fell out of his pocket”

Applejack walked over to the bottle and looked at it, it looks like one of those containers they keep soap in, she tried to read the front but to no success, the marks on it don’t make sense.

“What does it say” Applejack looked at the bottle, the marks look like they say something but she couldn’t read it.

“Well ah cant read it but from the looks of it Id say it’s a shampoo bottle, and the symbols on it are a strange shape”

“Like what” asked Fluttershy

“Well the first letter is a circle, the second letter is a upside down seven, the third is a circle with a line up and through it, the forth is a slightly curvy two, the fifith is a circle with a line down and through it, the sixth is a line, the seventh is half a circle and the last one is half a eight.

“Well… that doesn’t make any sense” fluttershy said with a hoof to her chin

Appljack then opened the lid and immediately a smell enveloped her senses and she buckled to the ground dropping the bottle and as she fell Billy Mays awoke from the floor and jumped to his feet staring at Applejack.

“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HIT ME IN THE CHEST” shouted Billy Mays, with his regular speaking voice added with shouting, it rivaled the royal canterlot voice… no seriously, I mean, it fucking loud, even Fluttershy had to put her hooves to her ears and Applejack even pulled her Stetson over her ears, her treasured Stetson, so the leather (or whatever the fuck its made out off, I mean, they don’t kill animals and I doubt a cow would let you cut off a large potion of its skin just for a hat and I seriously doubt its made out of cardboard ) stretched.

Billy Mays went to kick Applejack, that is, until he tripped on a bottle of old spice and fell through a wall and crushed several birdhouses on his decent into the small stream that surrounded Fluttershys cottage.

“TODAY IS NOT MY FUCKING DAY” Billy Mays shouted as he fell into the stream and mere seconds later, he arose to his feet soaking wet, except for his beard and hair, due to the fact that a beard is a symbol of a god, so no harm came to it, unfortunately it wasn’t the same for the wearer.

Applejack and Fluttershy stood at the god shaped hole in the wall, staring down at the creature that was furiously kicking the ground sending large quantities of dirt and mud into the air

(RANDOM MENTION OF PONYSWAMP of fimfiction.net HERE)

“ALRIGHT YOU FUCKERS” Billy Mays shouted while pointing at them, this caused a bit of rubble to fall from the hole and hit angel on the head, who was standing next to Fluttershy.

“IM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AND HELP YOU SELL APPLES, BUT SO FAR, YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH AND YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE DECENSY TO CARRY ME ON YOUR BACK, AND NOW IM IN A FUCKING STREAM, SOAKING WET, SO HAVE SOME FUCKING DECENSY AND HELP ME DRY” Billy Mays shouted, the torrent of words practically destroying the eardrums of the surrounding animal population.

“Wha?” said Applejack, totally confused by what the creature said.

Billy Mays sighed into his hands and let out a long breath, his breath smells faintly of old spice.

“I CAME HERE TO HELP YOU SELL APPLES, I HEARD YOUR PLEA” Billy Mays said in his regular voice, which was still to loud for Fluttershy, for she put her hooves on her ears yet again.

“What plea” Applejack said sternly

“THE ONE YOU SAID BEFORE I CAME HERE, YOU KNOW THE FLASHBACK” said Billy Mays, tremendously breaking the forth wall even low he doesn’t know it.

“What fla—“ she was cut off as Billy Mays appeared next to her holding her at his side.

“WE WILL START TOMORROW” He said as he ran off to she sweet apple acres, still holding applejack at his side

As they disappeared in the distance, Fluttershy was left all alone in her cottage looking at the hole in her wall and all the destroyed homes of the birds, luckily they were flying south for the winter, so no damage was done, she let out a sigh and walked over to her fridge, it was filled with regular stuff, ya know, fruit, vedge, milk, she looked around to make sure nopony was around, she then pressed a button at the back of the fridge and a secret compartment opened up, she reached her hoof in and pulled out a steak.

FIVE MINUTES LATER
Billy Mays arrived at sweet apple acres, still griping applejack at his side; he entered the apple family house and was greeted to the emotionless eyes of Big Macintosh, they stared at each other for a while unmoving, Applejack didn’t have clue what was going on, she was about to speak up until Billy Mays nodded once at Big Macintosh, Macintosh nodded back and went in the separate direction.

“What jus happen?” said Applejack, looking at Billy Mays from were Billy Mays held her.

“GUY STUFF” said Billy Mays, now walking towards Applejacks bedroom.

Applejack didn’t understand his answer but she didn’t question him about it.
A moment later they found them selves outside Applejacks bedroom, Billy Mays set her down and walked down the hall, Applejack went into her bedroom and immediately fell on the bed.

Billy Mays went over to a couch and sat upon it, a few minutes passed and Billy Mays eyelids began to feel heavy but before he could sleep, a small yellow fill with a oversized red bow walked into the room.

“WELL HELLO THERE” Billy Mays said, waving to the small filly.

Applebloom walked over to the couch and climbed onto it.

“Yer funny lookin” said Applebloom, pointing at Billy Mays, who now had an arched eyebrow.

“I DON’T GIVE—“ Billy Mays stopped mid sentence and closed his eyes and took a deep breathe, he didn’t want to quote 60s Spiderman, he collected himself.

“WELL YOUR FUNNY LOOKING TOO” said Billy Mays, pointing at Applebloom, eliciting a small giggle from the filly.

“Name’s, Applebloom” said Applebloom holding her hoof out fro him to shake

“BILLY MAYS, NICE TO MEET YOU” said Billy Mays, shaking her hoof.

They began to talk, asking each other questions about there lives, Billy Mays told her about being a god, and Applebloom told him about her life and the weird white robes and cross in her sisters closet, Billy Mays asked about school, Applebloom talked about her friend, miss cherilee but then the topic shifted to bullies.

“ Their ar two fillies at school that are really mean to us” said Applebloom, a hint of sadness in her voice.

“WHO”

“Their name’s are Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, there really mean because they’re rich and we’re poor and because of my blank flank” Applebloom said, presenting her, indeed, blank flank.

“WELL, I CAN HELP YOU THEIR” Billy Mays said, preparing his god powers, he moved his hand a small distance away from Appleblooms flank and then a white glow enveloped it.

“WHAT ARE YA DOIN!?!” shouted Applebloom (has she ever shouted…. Meh)

Soon the white glow faded and on Appleblooms flank was (pause for dramatic effect) her cutie mark, it was, in all its glory, a bottle of old spice, with an apple in the center with a nail threw it.

Appleblooms mouth was agape; she stared at her cutie mark for what seemed like hours, she jumped on Billy Mays and grabbed him in the biggest hug she could do (DAWWW)

“ohthankyouthankyouthankyouthank” Applebloom said in a torrent, this caused Billy Mays to smile and put his hand on her red mane and stroke it softly, soon Applebloom fell asleep embracing Billy Mays and Billy Mays followed suit with his hand stroking Appleblooms mane (See I can make an adequate touchy feely scene, it not like I give a fuck what you think anyway)

TOMMOROW (5:AM)

Applejack awoke in bed; she stretched her forelegs and reached for her Stetson and placed it upon her head, she got out of bed and prepared to walk out of the door.

“THE SOUND OF A DOOR COMING OFF ITS HINGES”(using “BANG” didn’t quite feel right)

Applejacks bedroom door flew of its hinges, missing Applejack by inches and going out her window.

“WHAT THE BUCK!” shouted Applejack at the top of her lungs.

Billy Mays jumped into the room, striking a triumphant pose.

“TIME TO SELL APPLES” Billy May said, grabbing Applejacks tail and dragging her out the room.

(10:AM)

Billy Mays and Applejack stood at the apple stand; small crowds of ponies gathered around the apple stand staring at the weird creature before them, the only reason they weren’t running away was because his beard mesmerized them, they broken out of their beard induced trance when the weird creature before them spoke in his mighty god voice.

“BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A SPECIAL ACRES OFFER” Billy Mays hollered to the crowd, holding up an apple.

“BUY TEN APPLES AND RECIVE ONE FREE BOTTLE OF OXY CLEAN, ABSOLOUTLY FREE, ENDORED BY ME, BILLY MAYS”

This immediately caught the attention of some of the ponies and they immediately went up to the stand and bought ten apples and a free bottle of Oxyclean but it wasn’t enough, so Billy Mays had to immediately bring out the big guns. (IMMEDIATLEY USED THREE TIMES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH.)

“BUT BUY TWENTY APPLES, AND RECIVE A BOTTLE OF OLD SPICE, ABSOLOUTLY FREE.” This caught the attention of everypony around them, especially the stallions, who for some reason, thought it will stop making them smell like mares, and smell like stallions and power.

Soon every apple was bought and the crowed dispersed, Applejacks saddlebags where backed to the brim with bits and a smile on her face.

“Thank you” said Applejack to Billy Mays; she received a smile in return.

“I HAVE TO GO SOON” said Billy Mays receiving a small frown from Applejack

“OH, DON’T WORRY, I HAVE TO GO, I HAVE SOME OTHER BUISNESS TO ATTEND TO IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE, SO I WONT BE GONE FOR AT LEAST, THREE DAYS. Said Billy Mays, Applejack nodded inn response and they continued walking.

(Midnight)

Billy Mays and Applejack walked through the door to find the weeping form of Applebloom on the ground; Applejack went to comfort her sister while Billy Mays stood at the doorway, anger slowly building up.

“What happened little sis” Applejack said soothingly to her sister.

“Dia-dia-diamond tiara w-w-as hu-huting me” Applebloom sobbed, this infuriated Billy Mays.

“SHE DID WHAT, THAT BITCH IS GOING TO PAY,” shouted Billy Mays as he ran from the house

Meanwhile on the way to Silver Spoons house

“Thank you for walking me home Filthy Rich and you too Drama Queen” Silver Spoon said to Diamond tiaras parents.

“Oh, but it is our pleasure, anyone who is friends with our little daughter are also friends with us” said Drama queen

As they were walking past an alley they heard a faint rumbling, they all turned towards the alley.

“What’s that noise?” said Silver Spoon, a hint of fear in her voice.

“Oh, its probably nothing” said Filthy rich, as he said this Billy Mays jumped out of the alley way holding two awesome augers.

“HERES BILLY” he said to the trio but as he said that they all had heart attacks and died, apparently the shining reference was two much for them.

“WELL, THIS MAKES THE NEXT BIT EASIER.” Said Billy Mays as he picked up the bodies

(Three hours later)

“Mother, mother, where are you” hollered Diamond Tiara as she walked through the halls of her mansion.

There was a loud knock at the door; Diamond Tiara went to investigate, to find a package at the foot of the door, she looked to see if there was deliverer but there wasn’t, on the front it read.

“FOR DIAMOND TIARA”

She squealed with joy at the thought of receiving such a large package (that’s what she said) and began pushing towards her room.

When she reached her room, she lifted the package onto her bed (which was very difficult by the way) she climbed onto her bed and then noticed a red liquid seeping out of the box; she arched her eyebrow and began opening the box.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Diamond Tiara screamed, she backed up against the back of her bed trying not to look at the display before her but she found she couldn’t, she kept her eyes fixed on it, because inside the box (pause for dramatic affect)

Where the heads of her closest friend and her mother and her father.

(THE NEXT DAY)

There was a loud banging on the door to the Apple family house, Billy Mays awoke form his slumber on the couch and walked over to the door, to be greeted by three faces.

“That’s him, that’s the man who did it,” said Diamond tiara, pointing at Billy Mays, two royal guards (are they the only law enforcement in equestria, I mean, like, THEY ARE THE ROYAL FUCKING GUARD, how do you think they feel when there trying to solve who stole your sweet role), the guards nodded and bucked Billy Mays in the chest and put a bag over his head.

(IN THE ROYAL CANTERLOT DUNGEON)

Billy Mays sat in the dungeon head against the wall, muzzle covering his mouth, his court session was tomorrow, and he was forced to stay in the canterlot dungeons.

“You have a visitor,” said one of the royal canterlot guard stated, and in walked the worlds most interesting man, the guard opened the cell and removed the muzzle from Billy Mays, The guard then went to one corner of the room and stood there staring at the world most interesting man and Billy Mays.

“I request some privacy, for me and my friend” said the world’s most interesting man interestingly.

“I’m on strict orders from princess celestia herself, not to leave the prisoner alone” the guard stated matter-o-factly (I’ve always wanted to write that or type…meh).

The world’s most interesting man locked eyes with the guard, the guard trebling slightly at his smoothness and interestingness, also his beard, like all gods made you slightly awe in his presence, not even celestia herself could match up to the godliness of this man.

“I don’t get a lot of thing I want but I will get this,” said the worlds most intresing man said interestingly, the guard instantly complied and ran out the door.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Billy Mays said in surprise, not expecting another god of old spice to be here, he shook the worlds most interesting mans hand and they both sat on the bunk.

“I’m here to be your lawyer Billy, I know what you did” said the worlds most interesting man; he only came third to Chuck Norris in the gods calendar.

“WAIT, WHY DO I EVEN NEED TO STAY HERE, WE CAN JUST TELEPORT OUT OF HERE” Billy Mays said putting his arms in the air.

“I don’t know, ask the author, he can’t think of anything” said the worlds most interesting man looking in the direction were the supposed author is.

“Guy, I just want to get on to my next story, ” said the author shrugging on his bed.

“THAT’S JUST LAZY,” shouted Billy Mays

“I am lazy, but ill give this a suitable ending.”

“YOU’RE JUST GOING DESTROY EQUESTRIA AGAIN”

“So what if I do,” retorted the author.

“FINE, JUST AT LEAST GIVE A GOOD ENDING OR SOMETHING”

“FINE…prick”

Billy Mays walked away from the wall and sighed deeply.

“OK… MY COURT HEARING IS TOMMOROW, HOW ARE YOU GOING DEFEND ME.” Billy Mays said to the worlds most interesting man

The world’s most interesting man got off the bunk and walked over to Billy Mays and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Il find a way,” he said removing his hand and walking out of his cell

“WHAT THE FUCK” shouted Billy Mays as the worlds most interesting left the dungeon, as soon as he left, three royal guards ran into the room and closed the cell and Billy Mays lied down on his cell bed and fell to sleep.

(TOMORROW)

The courtroom was filled with 51 of the highest noble ponies in canterlot, including the two princesses, Celestia sat upon the highest throne, made out of pure white marble with a sun carved into the back, Luna sat in a smaller but equally brilliant throne, it was made out of marble smooth obsidian with a white moon carved into the back.

“The court is now in session” celestias voice echoed in the courtroom.

“Thank you celestia” Diamond tiaras lawyer said from the bench.

Diamond tiaras lawyer arose from the bench and walked into the center of the courtroom.

“Now your honor, we have a tyrant, a monster, in our courtroom today” he said, he then pointed to Billy Mays.

“This MAN, murdered my defendants parents and close personal friend, we have eight witnesses and written confession” he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a sheet of red stained paper.

“It reads, “hem” you worthless piece of shit, I hope you die for hurting Applebloom signed Billy Mays”

The world most interesting man turned to Billy Mays and gave him a look that screamed “YOU FUCKING IDIOT”

“What do you say in your defense Billy Mays” celestia said pointed towards Billy Mays.

Billy Mays was about to stand up but the world’s most interesting man used is hand to pull him down and he stood up instead.

“Your Honor, I don’t usually win at court but when I do, it is now” The worlds most interesting man said smoothly before sitting down, the court broke out in silent murmurs.

“The jury have come up with a verdict,” a young stallion said from the jury.

“Huh, that was quick, I didn’t even have to mention the bodies we found behind the apple family house” said Diamond Tiaras lawyer smugly.

“We find the prosecuted, not guilty,” The stallion said sitting back in his chair and instantly three no’s broke out in the courtroom.

“NO” said Diamond Tiara, hooves to head and on the brink of tears

“NO” shouted Diamond Tiaras lawyer, knowing he was supposed to be paid to win not lose (he killed himself later that day)

“NO” shouted celestia, knowing full well that the evidence was certainly right.

Then immediately cool aid man smashed through the courtroom wall but for he is a god of old spice, he was filled, not with cool aid but old spice instead.

“OH YEAH” he half shouted followed by a “ZWOING” noise that came out of nowhere, he walked out of the courtroom awkwardly.

“WE WON” half shouted Billy Mays knowing that if he shouted in such an enclosed space he would shatter the eardrums of the entire court.

The worlds most interesting man smiled and put his hand on Billy Mays shoulder and soon they were both covered in white light and in seconds they were both gone.

(LATER THAT DAY AT DIAMOND TIARAS RESIDENTS)
Diamond Tiara was laughing insanely to herself; her room was pitch black and had strange ruins in the center and around the ruins was the heads of Silver spoon, Filthy rich and Drama queen.

“You were taken away from me and now, I will get you back” she said to the heads of her deceased family and friend.

She began flipping through the pages of a book and came across a spell that read

dne eht dlrow

“This must be it” she said placing the book in the center of the circle and began to say the spell.

As soon as she said the spell, the circle was enveloped in white and red light, Diamond Tiara stepped away from the circle and slowly, a bipedal creature appeared out of the portal, wearing a Stetson, jeans, a blue cotton shirt and a leather cow jacket… it was Chuck Norris

“Are you sure you want to do this” he said in his god voice to Diamond Tiara.

“Y-Y-yes” Diamond Tiara stuttered, she wanted her parents back so much and her closest friend.

Chuck Norris shrugged and flicked his fingers and immediately the entire planet exploded and Chuck Norris was gone as quickly as he appeared.

THE END

I know I rushed the end, I just want to get on to writing fluttershy becomes a carnivore and oh much more but In the end of this I just got lazy anyway I blame writers block and about forty distractions this week.

I want to thank a bunch of people ‘AHEM’

Yourprivatenightmare

Doctoranatomy

Aydn Duncan

Morgie93

Littlepingas121

Shandesa
M.E.

Lazypoisonfl

Cloudranger

Thefluffyone

Justus

Warwolf

Canman123

Marinemarksman

Ponyswamp

Microsoft

Hasbro

Old spice

Chuck Norris

Billy Mays

World’s most interesting man

And guys im sorry if your disappointed with this its just that I got lazy and I just lost my imagination near the end and I really wanted to get on to writing fluttershy becomes a carnivore, so farewell

PRAISE OLD SPICE