Flailing Failing Falling

Rainbow Dash knocked.

The sounds of activity within Twilight's lab suddenly ceased.

Rainbow waited, but the silence was not replaced with the sound of hoofsteps towards the door.

Rainbow Dash knocked again.

Several pieces of chalk skattled to the ground. Then more silence.

"Twilight, I know you're in there!" Dash shouted.

Still nothing. Rainbow rolled her eyes. "That's not a bluff. Spike told me I'd find you here. If you don't come out in ten seconds I'm going to, uh... start writing in books. I'm counting! 10!... 9!..."

TwangPoof! Magenta flashed under the door, which finally opened a second later.

"What Rainbow? I was in the middle of a sensitive titration. Do you know what happens when fluorescent organophosphorus esters are supersaturated with Tanzington emulsifier?"

"An explosion, probably, but I don't care. Coming in," Rainbow answered brusquely.

Twilight flaired her wings before Rainbow could take a second step. "Hey, wait! This is a sterile work environment! You can't just waltz in here!"

Rainbow stopped and gazed at Twilight. To her credit, she really did have a lab coat, mane net, work gloves, and safety goggles on. Twilight produced a weak smile, the goggles only accented the deep bags under her eyes. A moment later, she dropped the smile. "Sorry, I'm sorry I snapped. I'm just... well, busy!"

Rainbow was nonplussed. "Too busy for a friend?"

"Hey, that's not fair!"

"Yes, it is. You literally pretended you weren't here. I don't expect you to be 'Princess of Friendship' all the time. But I do expect you to at least acknowledge my presence."

Twilight's ears drooped. "Sorry, sorry, I... yeah, I'm sorry. Look, can... this conversation wait five minutes? Well, actually, uh--" Twilight turned and looked back into the room. "Okay, maybe, um fifteen minutes. Actually, why don't I pencil in some time this afternoon!" She floated a planner from a coat pocket. "I... dut-duh-duh... no, that won't work... um... Aha! I can talk at 1:35 pm! Nova Swirl just got her wolf teeth pulled, so she's probably not coming in for her lesson, so I have a free slot! Perfect!" Twilight enthusiastically jotted Rainbow in. "Alright, see you at 1:35! Don't be late!"

Rainbow didn't move.

Twilight frowned. "Please, Dash. I'm really excited about preliminary results! This is important! I promise we can talk about whatever it is you came to discuss this afternoon. But I really need to get back to this before the arcane solutions start to decay."

Rainbow breathed deeply. "Is the fate of the world or Ponyville or, uh, the, uh, scientific community in jeopardy if you take a short break?"

"Well, I mean, no, but I'd have to change and decontaminate and reset the titration and, um..." This time Twilight gazed at Dash, and saw, well... Twilight had never been the best at physiognomy, but she was pretty sure her friend was concerned.

"Please, can we talk?" Rainbow asked plainly. "For like, fifteen, maybe twenty minutes?"

Twilight sighed. "Yeah, okay. Let's talk."

Her friend smiled. "So I can come in then?"

"No!" Twilight quickly responded. "Uh, I'll meet you in my office in five minutes, okay?"

Rainbow shook her head. "Nah dude, I don't trust you. Sterilize me; I'm coming in."

"You mean decontaminate. While one can sterilize an environment or wound, when you--"

"Yeah, yeah, we both know what I mean. Decontaminate me, or whatever."

Twilight tittered. "Okay, so I might have exaggerated when I panicked earlier. Most of the lab is general access, but just, like don't go opening random doors, okay?"

Rainbow snorted. "Twi, I've been here before. Like, at least three times."

"Okay, but remember what happened last time with the dry room?"

Rainbow's ears twitched. "I swear if that ever gets out..."

Twilight playfully bopped Rainbow with a wing. "I'm just saying... Ugh, fine, come on in." She turned, and Rainbow followed, pushing the door closed with her tail before trotting into the spacious room.

Some ponies go through life without much in the way opportunities or luck, and may struggle mightily yet leave little legacy. That's a tragedy. Others find their feed bag full of possibilities, but can't find the wherewithal to eat, perhaps an equal tragedy. But a few ponies with the right mix of luck and location and dedication manage to seize the reins of life, and build great towers upon their foundations. We celebrate these ponies, raising toasts to their successes and writing books on their accomplishements. Perhaps some of them coasted to greatness, but behind most one finds a mountain of sweat-equity excavated as the building blocks of success. So often we focus exclusively on the end results, when far more impressive were the hardships conquered along the way.

Twilight Sparkle had worked hard to get where she was now. She had taken her prodigious stores of intellect and magic and with the help of Celestia nad countless others honed them relentlessly. She was gifted, she was talented, she was special, and she had long ago decided for herself that she would not squander the opportunities that these attributes presented. Twilight Sparkle worked her ass off. And nowhere was this more evident than her laboratory.

Rainbow Dash was not an easily impressed pony.

Describe laboratory

Establish time of day

Twilight floated two bits into the vending machine, and with a whir and a clunk, it deposited a Ms. Pip into the collection tray. She magicked it to her face, popping the tab and downing a deep gulp. She sighed and trotted over to the faux-leather couch nearby, collapsing into its well-worn embrace.

Did your castle seriously come with a laboratory lounge?!"

"Hah, of course not. It didn't even come with a laboratory. This used to be the bowling alley, remember? Though, uh, well, come to think of it I think this was the bowling alley lounge, which would explain the crappy exotica muzak. Trust me, I've tried to turn it off. But I can't figure out where it's coming from. It's just sort of there."

"Ugh, powerful magic artifacts are weird."

I guess I've never asked directly, but this castle is bigger on the inside than the outside, right?"

"Yes, but also, we're underground

Granola bar wrappers scattered

"Peachy, just peachy! Well, I mean, they aren't perfect, but nothing's ever perfect, right? Not even Celestia! Haha!"

"Twilight, you're a lousy liar."

"What do you mean."

"I mean you're not Applejack. Stop trying to be strong. Tell me what's up."

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but froze. For a moment, she hung in delicate balance.

Her ears flopped down and she dropped her neck. "I'm not okay."

"I know. That's why I'm here."

The researchers ears perked back up. "Really?"

"Yes, really. You've been distant at our friendship meetings. More distant than usual. Like, if I wanted to, like, if I graphed pancake incidents over time, like, If I wanted to be a huge nerd, and do that, I bet you their frequency has been increasing lately. Like, if I tallied how many times you've fallen asleep with your face in your breakfast, a-and--"

"I get it, I'm sleep deprived. What of it? I'm always sleep deprived."

"No--I mean, yeah, you are, but it's a lot more than that. You just said yourself something's wrong. You're more sleep deprived. It's worse. You're getting worse."

Twilight be fidgitting with her goggles.

"I feel like crap."

"You're not crap, Twilight."

"I know I'm not. You know I know I'm not. I don't mean like self-esteem. I mean like, physically--mentally, I feel like shit."

Rainbow gently poked Twilight's barrel, and a small but noticeable layer of fat jiggled. "As a certified personal trainer, I feel qualified to say that your sedentary lifestyle and poor dietary choices are wrecking havoc on your health. "

"Hey, I, uh, eat lots of vegetables."

"You're getting fat Twilight."

"It's great! Now that I'm Princess, that Chineighs takeout place delivers right to my castle. Everywhere does! It's great! No more precious time spent going to get meals!"

"Whatever happened to Spike cooking for you?"

"Oh, well, I have him employed helping me with research a lot more now. No time for cooking. He's basically become my secretary."

Rainbow grimaced. "That sounds like slavery but with extra steps."

"What, no! I pay him! I pay him well for his services! He wants to help me! Geez!"

"Okay, well anyway, all that fast food, it's all processed crap. That stuff's horrible for you. Do you know how much sugar is in soy sauce? And, and, for that matter, I've seen the mega packs of instant ramen you keep in your pantry. Do you have any idea how much sodium is in those? They are literally saltier than... i don't know... somepony who's salty. Oh, Angel Bunny. He's a real dingus. I digress. Your diet is shit. That Ms. Pip is 140 calories of pure sugar. You're eating crap, and that's probably why, well, part of why you feel like crap."

Joke about salt content? Research<<

"And is that all you do?"

"Yh, yeah, pretty much. I mean, sometimes I'll just lay back with a good fiction book for a few hours, but I haven't been doing that too much lately. It's all nonfiction these days. Jeez, some bibliophile I am! I'll have to *snrk* I'll have to turn in my library card!" Rainbow smiled upon seeing her friend crack a genuine grin for the first time that afternoon.

"Twilight, I'm going to ask you a very personal question, and you don't have to answer it, but I'd appreciate it if you did, and if you were honest about it."

"Uh, okay. What's up?"

Rainbow puffed her chest in a preparatory sigh. "How's your love life?"

"Ha!" Twilight interjected, startling her friend. "Come on Dashie, you know already know the answer to that!"

Rainbow shrugged. "So the usual then. How about... do you, uh, how often do you masturbate?"

Twilight choked on her drink, wings flared. "What! I, uh, why would you ask that?!"

"Twilight, answer the question."

A sigh. "I, uh... I touch myself sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

"Fine! All the time! You want to see my dildo collection? You want to see my fucking spells? Pun completely unintended. Yes, yes, okay I get stressed so I spend all fucking night masturbating just trying to relax but it just turns into procrastination and I think there's probably some anxiety buried in there too and I should probably start seeing a therapist again and then I ruin my schedule and feel like shit in the morning! Every fucking night! There! Are you happy now!?"

Rainbow winced.

"Okay, okay, that's hyperbole, not every night. But like, a couple times a week, and then I feel guilty and I'm less productive the next day, and then I stay up trying to catch up, and then I repeat the cycle, and then I have a day when I just say screw it and take a bunch of pills or cast a wake-me-not spell or something and sleep for fifteen hours, so I feel great, but then I'm even further behind schedule, so I work like crazy to catch up, and I get sick of it, and so I take ADHD pills for extra energy, and then they kick in, and I say that I need a little 'me time', but that little me time turns into four hours, and then I feel guilty and exhausted, and-and then..." She stopped, breathing heavily. She opened her mouth several times to continue, but nothing came out. Eventually, she blew out the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "Yeah, I have a problem."

Rainbow nodded with a tight-lipped grin. "Yeah, sister, you do."

"I'm perpetually dragging myself up from the depths of patheticness. Like I know so many ponies have it so much worse than me. Like like like I know some ponies spend--some ponies s-spend their whole life in... in a padded room. A-a-and a lot-- a lot of those ponies have hints of brilliance. And I just... I-I just..."

"You're worried that could easily be you?"

"Exactly. I-I worry I'm right on the other side of the coin. I'm just a flip away. Just a coin flip away from being the crazy one. I've been to those places, Rainbow, the ones with the crazy ponies. I've been there--for research, of course! I've seen who ends up there. Some of them are brilliant. I mean some are retarded, but the brilliant ones, I sometimes see myself in their eyes. That scares me, Rainbow. That... that keeps me up at night. When caffeine and amphetamines don't. Heh, heh."

"Everypony sees me, sees me as this--as some paragon of...of... some paragon of, i don't know, virtuosity. And... And I'm not saying--it's not like I'm a bad pony; I know I'm not, and I'm not beating myself up for that. I just, I'm always trying to be perfect and everypony thinks I'm perfect and I feel like I have this-this... this reputation to uphold and just, not just for all my subjects, all my friends, all--even Princess Celestia, like I know she know's I'm not perfect and I know she's not perfect and it's not that. It's not that, it's-it's... It's me. It's, you know, I'm realizing this right now, it's me. I think I should be perfect, and I try to be, and dear Celestia, I am not perfect!"

Rainbow shifted. "Yeah, and? Jeez, Twi, it's almost like you're, well, you, uh, it seems like you're mostly stressing yourself out. Like, you don't have to be perfect. I think you know that."

"I do, I do! It's just my nature. I know what I'm capable of and I'm always falling short of it, of that, and then I feel shitty, and I punish myself, and I keep--I keep telling myself I'll try harder, try--I'll do things differently. I'm gonna just, like follow my schedule closer and manage my time better and organize more, and it's like no, I try but I keep failing and then I feel shitty, and, and and it's just this big fucking guilt cycle, and like I know it happens; I know it's happening, I-I'm aware. But, and, look I'll give you, I'll give myself this: I at least know where I'm going wrong, where I'm messing up, and that's like, that's like half the battle, but but but that doesn't make me feel less shitty. Moldy cheese, I'm such a mess!"

"I'm so sorry, Twilight. You... you've been fighting this a long time, haven't you? Like, I know you've been neurotic, like you've always been a little crazy since I first met you, but like, I mean, I've seen it cause lots of problems, like, well, that Smarty Pants incident, and your time travel thing, but I guess I kinda assumed these were isolated insidents. I... I honestly didn't realize things were this bad. I... I'm sorry, Twilight. I'm so sorry you're going through this."

"Thanks, Rainbow. But it's just who I am."

Anecdote about how when she was first learning to fly, she had a dream about falling

"I know I flew right after the corronation, but that was all adrenaline and residual magic and, then, well you know, you taught me. You know, my wings were crap at first, like i was weak and uncordinated my technique sucked and like I'd stay in the air for a few seconds, and then I'd think too hard or something and

"I think I told you girls--I really can't remember, I might have just told Luna, but I kept having this recurring dream. Where I'd be plummetting, and be heading towards the ground way too fast. The details always changed. Sometimes I flew too high; sometimes I hit a bird, or you know, after the whole thing with Tirek, he started appearing too, shooting me down.

"But I'd be plummeting towards the ground, and I'd panic, usually I'd wake up screaming when I hit the ground. But eventually, I realized I figured out I could still use magic, duh, and I'd try to slow myself down. And I'd like decrease gravity, or increase air viscosity, or slow down time... there were a lot of spells I'd try, spinning uncontrollably through the air."

"So then you were able to turn the dream around, right?" Rainbow asked.

Twilight took another sip of tea. "No, that's the thing. They did work. They'd work, and I'd slow myself down. But..."

"But what?"

"I didn't fix anything. I could never get my wings working. I kept falling, just slower. I'd be flailing, and failing and screaming, because I knew I was going to hit the ground. I could see it all happen in slow motion and I fought it so hard, but I couldn't stop it.

"Yeesh, heavy stuff. You never told us this, by the way. So what'd you do about it? What'd Luna say?"

"You know, the usual bromide skunk shit, about having to face your fears."

Rainbow took another bite of her sandwhich. "I hate to say it, but she's not wrong."

I feel like I'm in that dream again, only I'm not failing at flying, I'm failing at life.

"Let me guess, you're afraid this ends with you hitting the ground?"

"Yes! I'm a slow motion dirigible wreck only I can see! I, I like, I have all these problems and I know about them and I make lists and I check boxes and like I always manage to do my science work, or my friendship work or my magic work, but like, I can't fix myself. I can't- I'm the most powerful mare in the world, I'm the fucking top of my game, top of the world, prime of my life, but... but so then, why? Why am... Why... why do i still feel like shit? Why do i still feel so small, and empty, and weak, and helpless? Why do I still feel like a failure?"

Rainbow-->friendship is magic, friends got her back

"I do this. I've done this all my life. It's something I do. I guess somepony as awesome as me needs some handicaps, right? Balance things out and all that."

Rainbow facehoofed. "This isn't Ogres and Oubliettes, Twi. You aren't... you...... It's not a stats sheet. you don't have--you aren't, um, obligated to have these weaknesses. You aren't cursed to fall into these... these, uh, manic episodes."

"I am though. It's who I am. It's my, it's... the same obsessive behavior that let's me push myself farther than anypony's ever, well, to speak metaphorically, flown, before"

Okay, but this isn't that dream. You get to choose the ending, and I know you're not gonna keep falling forever. We're gonna make sure of that."

"No, I don't know that! I have no guarantee that this will self-correct. Look at Luna; look at Sombra! Tarts, look at Starlight Glimmer. These were good ponies doing good things who lost control of their lives and went crazy! And some we could save, b-but Sombra... we killed him. A-and Choral Song--s-s-she killed herself. And Rolytide. A-and Dr. Marrow! These things don't all have happy endings! They... they fell all apart! And now I'm falling apart, Rainbow! I'm just completely falling apart, right here, right now! It horrible! Everypony thinks I'm amazing b-b-but it's a facade! It's a facade because really I'm just a mess I'm such a mess and sure it seems like I'm on top of the world but I'm perpetually about to-- I-I'm perpetually tripping and barely catching myself and then but-but... but one day I'm going to wreck myself too hard, one day I'll just go too far over the edge and and and I'm going to fall, and just--just keep falling, and fall and fall and get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse! That's what's happening now! I'm falling! I-I just keep hiding it 'cause it's happening so slowly. I'm just falling apart in slow motion, a little more every day. And I hate it! I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of always falling and one day I'm going to fall too far and then--and then...  a-and... "

She tried several more false starts before settling for sobs.

Rainbow hesitated a moment, then closed the distance between them. She enveloped her friend in her wings and her forelegs, gently stroking Twilight's back.

"No, you're not."

"Y-yes. *sniff* Yes, I am. I... I can't avoid it. I just..."

"No, you probably can't avoid it. Not by yourself, anyway. But you don't have to do this alone. You... you have your friends! We're here for you. I'm here for you! And Twilight, darling, I will never let you hit the ground. You... you mean so... s-so much, a-a-and-fucking egghead, now I crying. Twilight, y-you're...*snrk* you're one of my best friends. You... you mean the world to me. I'd-I'll do anything, anything to keep you safe. Please, I... I want you to be safe. I want you to be happy. I want... I'll, I'll I'll always be there for you, as long as I can. Ficus, maybe not every time. Fuck, thunder know's I've lost the cloud a few times. But, uh, that's besides the point. I'm there when it counts. I'm there when it matters. I am there for you. That's... that's a Pinkie Promise.

"Keep caring. Please, keep caring. And...a-and care, um, care in your actions. I know you will, Rainbow, because you're loyal. Because you're my friend. Please, just... w-when I try to push y--when I try to push you all away--when I try t-t-to push you girls away, please, please don't let me."

"Wouldn't dream of it, egghead. But I'm not here because you pushed me--us--away. You didn't push anyone. You did something worse. You pretended nothing was wrong in the first place. You...you can't do that. I know you want to, but... fuck, mare... don't! Just let us in. I mean, shoot, that's what I was just saying. I mean, let us in that something's wrong."

"Okay. Okay, okay, okay. I'll try."

"You didn't tell us anything, Twi. I noticed. Only because I know you well. I've learned when you're falling. And--as long as I can--I'm going to be there to catch you."

"Mmmmm." Twilight nuzzled into Rainbow's shoulder.

"But," Rainbow continued, "I won't always be able to just barge in here. I...You have to--you have to let me help you. And others. This--this isn't a one-mare job. We're a family. S-so m-m-ma--dammit, *sniff* Freaking emotions, I... ugh, I swear. I, uh, I mean, so many ponies... so many ponies care about you. We... *snrk* Goddess, we all care for you, Twi. And... sparks, this sounds super cheesy, but, you know, families look out for each other. Let us look out for you. I... I know... I know I am."

Twilight redoubled her head's position within her friend's comforting feathers. "Thank you. Thank you so, so much. Just... thank you." And her sniffles gave way to the gentle hum of electricity and manaconduits.