Lessons On Your Pony Waifu

Hi, I'm Bonebeat, by now you may have heard of me, I give true facts about your pony waifu! Where did it all start you may ask, it all started in Ponyville. Princess Cadance was searching the town when she saw me, a yellow bat pony with a red vest, fedora, and my shades. She pulled me aside to tell me I have a new job.

"Hello, what's your name?" She asks. I look at her in surprise.

"My name's Bonebeat," I say warily, unsure of why a princess just pulled me aside.

"I have a job for you, Luna said you may not have a job right now?" She asks. I nod and she smiles. "Great! Now, come with me!" She says. As quickly as this was going, my thoughts were still processing what's happening. "Alright, basically, I need you to read out the paper, and once you run out of words, just improvise, keep going for five minutes," she said. I nodded slowly and looked at the paper she gave me. It says: True facts about your waifu with Bonebeat. That's literally all it says. All of a sudden, I'm teleported to a room that is padded with sound pads to block out sound from the inside. Cadance's face is on the other side of a panel of glass in front of me. I just panicked as the three numbers sounded.

"Three, two, one,"  Cadance. said before gesturing her hoof to me. I quickly smiled and went with the flow.

"Hi everyone, my name is Bonebeat, and this is: True Facts about your Pony Waifu, starring yours truly, Bonebeat," I say. I leaned in close. "That's me," I quickly say. I return to my first position and started saying whatever comes to mind. "I'm a recently hired bat pony, hired by princess Cadance herself in order to... Um, do stuff," I say. "Of course, it was extremely sudden too, who knew getting a couple of stuff from grocery stores was so hard," I continue. "If you have seen my life you'd say bullcrap and that I'm a crappy pony," I say randomly. At this point I have no idea what to do so I kept on yakking. "I remember when I was a colt and the sun was going down, my momma would say shut up, you're stupid and continue her karaoke night with dad who would play pool with bones... I think I know where I got my name now... Anyway, so then I'd giggle at the spoopies and laugh all the way till I'd cry... Which was a rather horrible experience that I don't ever wanna experience again and thanks to you I have. Why the hell can't I be normal?" I ask. I look over at Cadance, who was nodding with approval. I'm not trying to make her laugh, I'm just trying to get through this! "Well, I think I just did terribly for first impressions so bye forever everyone!" I finish off. I put my hooves over my snout in utter embarrassment. "I cannot believe what I just did," I say to myself. Cadance was clapping in the next room and came in with a smile.

"Good job Bonebeat! You did great!" She says. I pause and look up at her.

"Heh?" I ask. She giggles and drags me to a recording room where a single pony was holding a camera at a properly dressed pony.

"Seriously, get the hell on with it," he says. "Your lips are like, one mile per hour. Also, I don't know half the crap you say dude!" He says. I tilt my head in interest about this pony. He has a dark green coat with grey hair, which morphs into black at the tips. He has a headset on and his flank has a headset for a cutie mark.

"My word! You are stupendously ignorant! I am taking my time drinking tea with my biscuits!" The gentlecolt says. I roll my eyes at the proper one.

"Yeah, guess who's able to edit this crap genius," Green pony says. Cadance rushes in at the scene.

"Hi Rec, I see you're doing good! Um, don't you think you're a little pushy?" She asks. Rec shrugs and stops recording.

"Meh," he says. I walk up to meet this stranger, although, I don't really want to.

As we sat down in a triangle, Rec Gary was drinking coffee, I drank extra hard apple cider, and Cadance drank tea. Rec wants me to call him Gary, and I did so. "So, Princess Cadance, why are we here?" I ask. Gary nods.

"Well, I am the princess of love, and I have multiple ways of making someone love their wife or husband, and I teach many lessons for types of love or ponies," she says. I nod my head. "Now, because love is starting to be rare, I need to do one or the other, and I need both!" She says. Gary nods. "So, I hired you two to teach the different kinds ponies and love!" She says. Me and Gary nod at the same time. "Will you do it?" She asks us both.

"Of course I will, I have nothing to do," I say. Cadance smiles.

"Neither do I, so sure," he says. Cadance grabs us both.

"Great! In that case, you need to go ahead and get started!" She says. "You have twenty minutes," she says.