Lessons On Your Pony Waifu

I sit in an armchair, it's red pillowy cushions adjusting to my position. I keep my hard Apple cider by my side with the coffee table, which is on my right. The fireplace two feet away was crackling with its wood, keeping the glowing room shining. I look at the top of the fireplace, to see a golden framed screen that changes with a click of a button on the arm chair I sit in. Gary is behind the camera, ready to start rolling as he aims it at me. I have on my red robe I had in the wardrobe Cadance gave me. I don't have on my fedora, but it rests on my left side of the armchair. My robes are really soft, which was comfortable. My leathery wings didn't feel cramp as I sat in my chair. I keep a secret microphone enchanted to be invisible to the camera on my head, as it is a headset. Gary waits at the camera, giving me the signal. I return the signal and the camera rolls.

"Oh, hello everypony, welcome to lessons about your waifu, I am your host, Bonebeat, with my socially incompetent camera stallion, Gary," I say.

"Screw you," he answers back.

"Shut up Gary," I say, taking a sip from my glass. "Today's lesson, what is a waifu? Waifu comes from the root words: why, and fu. Why stands for why did you even get one in the first place, and fu is the art of containing merciless sexual predators," I say. I take a sip. I nod my head for emphasis when I say," True facts, now let us have some visual aid from the tv," I say as I turn to the screen above me. Gary turns the camera and zooms in to the screen. This is where the camera is turned off and the screen recorder cuts on. "Waifus are descendants of what is known today as love," the tv cuts to a picture of a heart. "Love is a rare form that exist in every creature, to gain love, one must stupidly waste their money on flowers and chocolates," the screen changes to a picture of chocolate pieces in light blue wrappers. "Gary have you ever had Pigon?"

"Pigon?" Gary repeated.

"Yes Gary, Pigon, they normally make soap or shampoo, but they also have chocolate. You know, the sugary brown stuff," I say.

"I'm not that stupid," he replies.

"That's debatable," I say. The screen transitions to a picture of a pony's sillouhette with an x-Ray of a brain. In the center of the brain was a rock. I took a sip, nod my head and said, "True facts." I lean back on my chair," Now back to the subject at hoof, Waifus are very common to find, from mares, to guys who're actually mares. True facts. Waifus also come in many shapes and forms. Like pigs. I could go for some bacon right now, what about you Gary?" I ask. The picture changes into a bacon piece with sausage with eggs on a white plate.

"You are very freaking disgusting," he replies. I nod my head.

"Oh yeah, I'm a bat pony. Oh well, screw you Gary, back to the subject. Waifus are always competitive to get love for no reason whatsoever. The ultimate love stealing way to get a stallion change to another waifu is rather unknown, sneaky frickers," I say with a smirk. I take a sip from my glass and sigh. "Another fact about Waifus, they can be loyal and useful, very much unlike Gary. He's only Loyal."

"Hey douchebag, another true fact, I'm able to beat someone upside the head with their own chair," Gary said. I nodded.

"Indeed, true fact," I say. "There are three things left peeps, so don't sleep like a Gary. The first thing is that I have to put an advertisement here," I say. I pull out an Applejack Daniels. "Feel thirsty after eating bacon? No? Too bad, drink hard Apple cider provided by our sponsors from Sweet Apple Acres. It's only bad when you throw it away," I say. I took the bottle, poured some into my glass and threw it in the fire, making an explosion erupt. Gary ducks behind the camera. "The second thing is, at the end of every lesson there is a quiz, so take at your own risk. When you meet your waifu, do you A: give her flowers and love? B: Give her chocolate and love? C: Giver her some attention? Or D: Give her hard Apple cider? Alright, now that that's out of the way," I say. I chug my cider and threw the glass into the fire. I get out a handgun and aim at the camera. "This is Bonebeat and Gary signing off, in the next lesson we will tell you who got it right, and what they are awarded. We'll even include them. Also, the Crystal Empire thanks you for listening or watching. In be next lesson, we'll be opening a subject in Waifus, featuring a live specimen and hopefully a guest. We'll also have a new camera," I say. I wave at the camera before pulling the trigger with the hook of my wing. The camera flies out of Gary's hooves, and lands with a thud. Gary looks at it with a scared expression.

"Dude that costs thousands of hits!" He said.

"Sure, but we're getting paid at least five thousand, I live in a hut outside of Ponyville, and I rarely need a lot of money," I say. "You can take my pay check."

"... It's still rolling..."

"Alright, bye guys!" I say. Gary turns the camera off, and looks at me with the menacing of dark glares.

"It took me five thousand bits to get this camera."

"Wait, Princess Cadence didn't give you that?"

"No."

"... Oh shit."