Same Life, new Body

Alright, note to self. Never jump off of high places. Even though I don't die, it's a bitch to pull myself back together, literally.

Anyway, phase two; find someplace to hide. Now, let's see…

Oh, how convenient, there's a deep, dark, foreboding cave. Meh, might as well give it a shot…

…

Mmm… There's a bear sleeping. Hmm. I wonder if I can make it drink me. Heh, I finally get to poke a bear with a stick, just like in the movies.

*Poke*

Grrr…

Almost there…

*Poke*

Rrrr.

One more time should do it.

*Poke*

Grrrra!

There we go. And… It actually sounded annoyed. Weird.

Now it's looking at me. I wonder what it's gonna do. Oh? It's raising its paw, and… The swipe does nothing, except from lobbing a part of my shoulder off. Nothing really detrimental.

And now the bear’s looking at me, with a confused expression, on its face.

I repeat, the bear, is looking at me, confused. How the fuck? Seriously? Like, how?

Maybe the animals here are more intelligent than the ones back on Earth? Looks like it… Maybe I can talk to it? Yeah, let's try that.

“Can you drink me?” Ok, me speaking caught it off guard. But it went back to that confused look. Maybe it wants to know why? “It's kinda cool out there, and I need a warm place to stay, for the night at least.” The bear raised one of its eyebrows in a skeptical way. “I promise, nothing bad will happen. I just need a warm place to sleep in.” It the. Crossed its front legs, are you fucking kidding me?

“Please? I don't want to freeze to death out there.” I'm really pleading with a bear. This is my life now; begging semi-sentient animals to kill me.

So this is how it feels like to hit rock bottom. Maybe I'm even somehow lower than that. Maybe not.

Anyway. The bear thought about it for a good minute. Eventually it came to a decision. It decided to express its decision as a nod of its head. And I silently cheered. But now, how are going to do this? Maybe I can turn myself into a puddle? Yeah, let's try that.

Alright… Puddle… I want to be a god damned puddle. Puddle, water… Fucking… urgh…

Wait, something's sucking on my arm. Huh..?

Oh, the bear decided to eat like someone sucking jelly into their mouth. As odd as that sounds. It was pretty effective. In, like, maybe ten seconds, it already had half of my body in its belly. I can already feel my body interact with its digestive juices. I can feel my body already losing mass. It’s really weird. Like, I still don’t feel pain, but I know I’m wasting away.

It’s also worth noting that I'm basically experiencing one of my fantasies; vore. Yeah. Go figure, I get to be eaten in a land full of magic, rainbow farting ponies. I'm willing to bet there are beings here that can fulfill my other stuffs.

“Maybe it's in here? It couldn't have gone far.”

…

Are you shitting me? Is this some kind of sick joke from the universe? Or is some god finding my strife funny? ‘Cause all this crap is just too coincidental to be random. There has to be some outside force making all this happen.

“Hey! There it is! And a bear’s eating it! Stop it!” No! No! Fuck! The bear’s spitting me out! God damn it!

“Why won't you let me fucking die!?” They all stopped, even the bear. They probably didn't expect me to blow up like that. Hey! I can use this!

Hah! Later fuckers!

Wait, I'm getting smaller, and my vision going black… nnnyehehe… Ooooh~ I feel good. Mmm… Something blue is standing over meh…

Mmmyegh! To drunk to fughing cer...

Ugh… Wh… wha… What happened..? Where am I..? And… Gah… My head hurts… Screw it, I'm just gonna lay wherever the hell I am until I feel better.

“Michael?”

Of course, perfect. Just perfect. I was just asking for a migraine.

“Art thee awake, Michael?” Fuck off Luna. I don't have it in me to deal with anything, please screw off and leave me to die. “Tia! We believe Michael is awake!” Ahgh! The fuck!? Screw off already!

Great, I can hear someone else walk into… Wherever I am.

“Michael?” Oh please, you two know I'm awake, stop bothering me. “Please, we need to talk.” No, fuck you. I know you two put me in that white room again. I can feel the cold floor against my back.

“Michael…”

“You already know what I want. There's nothing else I need to talk about.”

“Michael. We believe we have discovered a possible solution that may send you home.”

Pfff, like that's gonna work.

“Then go ahead and try it. I ain't got anything else better to do.” One of them huffed, whatever. I can act however the fuck I want to act.

“Twilight? Please come in.” Heh, it ends where it began. I like that.

Ooh! She's coming. Finally, at this point I don't care whether whatever she gonna do kills me or actually manages to send me home.

“Uhhh…” Oh for the love of…

“Just get it over with.” Hmhm. I can hear her grumble. Fuck you, you're the one responsible for all of thi-

Huh? I… I feel… good… like, really good… Mmm~

Aww… The good vibes stopped. And from what I can tell, nothing happened.

“Wh-what?” Eh, knew it. “The spell didn't work?!”

Wait, she thought casting a god damn spell would send me back home? What kind of fedora-wearing fags fantasy world did I tumble into?

“Whelp, that's it. I'm killing myself. With more effort.” I said while getting up. I was about to leave the room, only to be blocked by Celestia and Luna.

“I am sorry Michael, but we cannot allow that.” Huh, she said that in an almost threatening tone.

“You're not the boss of me.” I moved past them, then a gold tinted wall appeared out of nowhere. My face almost became close friends with the wall. But right as I was about an inch away from intimacy, the wall parted, just wide enough for me to stumble through. I didn't relish in having beat them. I just continued on like nothing happened. By the time they started calling for me. I slipped under the door. And then I proceeded to tip the fuck out the nearest window.

“Princess, what… what just happened?”

“Michael has attempted suicide multiple times, Lady Sparkle. He plans to make another attempt.” Luna teleported elsewhere to alert the day guard.

All the bookworm’s brain activity came to an ass-grinding halt when Luna said. And like Windows Vista, it took a while for it to kick back into gear.

“What..? Princess..?” Celestia sighed.

“Twilight… How did you feel when you crossed the magic mirror?”

“I… I don’t understand...”

“How did you feel when you stepped through the mirror? When you knew you had to retrieve your tiara before time ran out?” Twilight pondered this for some time, and eventually answered.

“Well, at first, when nopony would help me… I felt… I guess hopeless.” She said.

“Yes, well. Michael is… experiencing the same feeling. Though, I believe to a much more bleak sense.”

“What do you mean?”

“Twilight...” Celestia looked a little disappointed, kinda shocking to the purple alicorn. “Michael comes from an alien world, possibly a completely different dimension. And for him, any sliver of hope he had towards returning home has vanished.” The ancient pony paused, her unreadable gaze never leaving Twilight. “Twilight… He has nothing to look forward too. He has nothing to live for, no family, no friends. Nothing remotely similar to his home. Do you understand?” Twilight nodded.

“Yes. I do… But. Why? We can be his friends. We could even help him cope with… everything, can't we?” Celestia shook her head.

“Michael is an alien being Twilight. I doubt any methods we know would help him in the slightest.” Twilight looked downtrodden, for more reason than one would assume.

“Oh… Then… what do we do?”

“For now, I have absolutely no idea.” Her look softened. “But you. My student. I request that you continue to look for a solution. Mother knows how long it'll be before Michael… Succeeds.” Twilight nodded with a resolute expression.

“I won't let you down princess!” Twilight declared before teleporting away. The tall marshmallow stared at the spot her student sat in. Thoughts flickering through her mind hundreds of miles a second. But, one thought stuck out.

*I will see to it you return home, Michael.* Her face hardened with determination. *Things may seem bleak. But I know there is a solution. There has to be.*

I really didn't think this through. Why did I think flushing myself down a toilet was a good idea?

Well, I never really thought through with, like, anything. But still, trudging through knee-deep waste certainly beats sitting in that damn room. For a number of reasons:

1. I'm not forced to talk to ponies.

2. No ponies are in my sight.

3. I don't get to hear any of those pony’s voices.

4. No fucking ponies

So, yeah, big positives in my book. Plus, it helps that I don't taste or smell the stuff around me. Still, I want out of here.

Oh? Just my luck. There's some light, well, more than what the glowing fungi are producing. Finally, an exit.

…

Aaand I'm standing in a drainage pipe that hangs over a waterfall. Mm... Could be worse, at least the river down there would help. I think.

Whelp, here goes nothing.

“Any luck Luna?”

“Nay sister. We have yet to find Michael.”

“Princess!” A guard galloped to the celestial sisters. “The creature was seen a stallions laboratory!” Both sisters looked at each other.

“Doth thee thinketh..?” Celestia sighed for the umpteenth time today.

“We believe so Luna.” She addressed the guard. “Gather a search party and look for Michael in the drainage river.” The guard nodded and galloped off.

“It appears Michael will now do anything to go through with his plans.” Luna said with a heavy sigh.

“It appears that way…” Was all Celestia could say.

“Tia?” She looked up to her sister. “Doth thee really think we could send Michael to his home?” There was a bit of hesitation, but Celestia nodded.

“I'm sure of it Lulu.” She said. “It is only a matter of time.”

“Are you sure?” Luna asked. Her vernacular catching Celestia off guard.

“Y-yes. I'm sure.” Luna cast a skeptical look, but didn't question her sister further. “We must look for Michael. Faust knows where he is.”

“Agreed sister. Let's.”

Alright, I've been walking for… I think it's been three days. The forest canopy’s kinda making it hard to see whether it's day or night. And strangely enough, I haven't felt the need to sleep. Good for me; more time to get away from those damn ponies.

Anyway, this trail’s taking me nowhe- Wait, there's something off in the distance…

Oh… It's an old-ass castle. Thing has seen better days. Hmm, the trench is pretty deep. Maybe I can hide here? Yeah, sounds like a plan…

Oh? There's A cave down here. Perfect.

…

There's a tree in the cave. Like, a giant tree. And it looks like it's made out some crystal. And it has symbols on its branches. The hell..?

Meh, don't care… Wait. It… There's something weird about this tree. I can feel… something, coming from it. I can feel the… The power radiating from it. It feels… Warm. I like it. I want more of it. I want more warmth…

Huh..? My body… I can't… Keep it… Ugh. Whatever, must get more warmth...Nnnyeh… almost… There! HahhhhAH! Oooooh I think I’m high… Wait. Why is there a black hole next to the… Eh? Why is… wha… oooogh… nappy time… Mmm…

…

Fuck me… That was one hell of a high. Why did it stop though? I’m pretty sure I passed out laying up against that crystal tree.

“Ahem.” Huh?

Oh. It’s another pony, she’s looks like Celestia. But this new one has shorter, shaggy red hair.

“Uh… Hi?” She raised one of her eyebrows.

“What are you doing in the void?”

“No clue. Last thing I remember doing was laying next some pink crystal tree.” Her eyes widened, that’d be a bad sign if I cared.

“My Tree of Harmony? What were you doing near my tree?” That tree’s hers? Who is this pony?

“I was looking for a place to hide and die in.” Weird, she had the decency to look a little shocked.

“Why would you want to do something like… that?” I shrugged.

“Eh, I don’t know. Couldn’t be because I was in an alien world with nothing to live for.”

“Oh, well then...” I think me saying it so casually is throwing it off. “Wait, wasn’t there somepony who could’ve at least helped?” A sigh drifted past my gooey lips.

“There was this one pony… Twilight was her name. And then there was Celestia and Luna.” Her looked turned critical, weird. “They thought they had a way to fix everything. It didn’t help.”

“I can see that… And what exactly lead you to my tree?”

“I actually found it on accident. As I said before, I was looking for a place to hide.”

“Why? Don’t you want to go back home?”

“Ain’t no way that’ll happen. Last time I checked, the only thing those ponies had failed. So I’ve pretty much lost all hope.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to lay down and starve myself to death.” I flopped onto my back while staring into the… black sky. Yeah, nothing else but black... So this is what the void looks like. Not bad.

Oh, that pony’s looking down at me. I wonder if she’s going to say anything.

“So… You’re going to just lay there?” I didn’t answer. “Until you die...” She looked away in thought. What’s she thinking…

“Well… would you be interested in a deal?”

“Unless your deal involves me going back home, ain’t interested.”

“Uh, interdimensional travel isn’t my forte...” Figures. “But, I could possibly offer you something else that you might like.”

“Like what?” She smiled, creepy.

“How does immense power and immortality sound?”

“Nope.” She pulled her head back a bit. I’m willing to bet she expected me to immediately take her offer. “Like I said. If you’re not offering me a way home. I ain’t doing shit. And besides, if you’re offering me magic as a form of power. My body negates that stuff.”

“You would’ve of had to worry about that...” She frowned. “Alright, look. I’ll see what I can do about your situation if you take my offer. I’ll even give a more… solid, body.”

“Oh yeah? And what can you do that the others haven’t done?” She smirked, she looks like a mean bitch when smirking.

“Well, I am responsible for creating this planet, solar system, and galaxy. I think I can working something out.” Or smug, either one works.

“And I’m supposed to believe that how?”

“Shake my hoof and you’ll find out.” Oh lord. She that kind of person.

“Mmm… Meh, not like I have anything else better to do, fuck it.” I grabbed her outstretched hoof and shook it. Making her smile.

“Perfect!” She exclaimed. “Now. First off; new body… Uh...”

“Human.”

“Really? Huh, alright then...” A few seconds later and I feel good again. But like that high from before, it went away. “There!” Oh please as if she can-

Oh, I’m human again… that’s cool.

“Second! Immortality!” I held up my hand.

“You can leave that one out. Trust me.”

“But… You’re not useful to me dead.”

“Still don’t care. I’m the one helping you out right now. Leave me mortal.”

“Fine… But still...”

“Alright, I think we can come a compromise...” I said while getting up, I gestured to come close, she did and I whispered an idea into one of her ears.

“Ooh~ I like your line of thinking! Alright. Invulnerability; Granted!” Her horn glows red, and I feel all tingly. “There! Now nothing can harm you! Except for yourself of course.”

“Alright, but I have one question: Why aren't you doing all this crap?”

“Ah, that's just from some stupid rule the higher ups made; I can't meddle in anything like that.”

“Oh, alright. So now what? Do I get weapons or anything?”

“Yes. This will be your weapon.” Her horn flashed, doe she really have to-

Whaaat the fuck is that? Is that a bracelet? That's a fucking bracelet. Why is she giving me a bracelet?

“You don't like it?” She saw my face, good.

“That's a bracelet. Last time I remember, fags wear bracelets.”

“Ooooh. Well then.” Hey. Don't get sassy with me. I'm the one you kinda begged into this deal. “Allow me to make it to your liking master.”

“Shut it. I can be more annoying if I wanted to.” She grimaced.

“Please don’t...”

“Don’t give me a reason to and we’ll be dandy.”

“Good to know.” She turned back to the bracalete. It then flashed so brightly I was blinded for a second. Once the big multi-colored spot faded from my vision. I was able to see again. And the pony was holding an awesome-looking watch. It was Deadpool themed, his logo was the background. It looked pretty awesome.

“This more to your liking?”

“Yeah, how do you even know about Deadpool?” She looks confused… Why?

“I don’t. I enchanted this watch to change its look to whatever you desired.”

“Oh that’s cool. Does that mean it'll only look like that to me?”

“No, as soon as you put it on. The style will become permanent.”

“Oh, that’s cool.” I then got to thinking for once. “You know, if I weren’t a pathetic, suicidal bitch at the moment. I’d bet we’d be friends.” She snickered at that. Too bad I don't have the mental capacity to care.

“That doesn't sound bad.”

“Yeah, it doesn't. I mean; a god being friends with a mortal. Not bad at all.”

...

“Are… Are you joking?”

“Take it however you want. Let's just move on to whatever you want me to do.”

“Alright… Well. To start. There's an old villain my children imprisoned a while back that has escaped. I fear they may not have it within them anymore properly stop him for good. Much less anypony else. Which is where you come in; I want you to make sure this guy doesn't do anything to severe. Like kill anypony, or destroy half of Equestria. And before you ask. I did enhance your overall strength and reaction time. So anything this guy might do to you should only hurt a little bit if he manages to hit you.”

“Why?”

“Again. Rules from the higher ups. I can't grant a mortal overpowering abilities.”

“Good point.” She nodded.

“Now, are you ready? I'm sure this may be slightly daunting for a mortal…”

“You should already know I don't really care. I'm still going to kill myself after all this is over.”

“What!? Why!?”

“No offense. But I don't wanna get my hopes up for probably nothing.”

“But… I'm a god! Sure, not one of those higher up ponies, but still! Can't you put a little faith in a god?”

“Sorry. I've always been an atheist.”