Chapters It is said that if you wish hard enough for something, that wish will eventually come true. What they don’t tell you is that you don’t get to choose how it comes true. Some people want so badly to be in another reality that they develop schizophrenia, whether this is the case with me, I do not know. Maybe it is, or maybe I lucked out. Maybe I wished so hard that I actually left earth and entered this magical land.
I remember so many days spent sad and alone. It all started after 8th grade. There were three high local high schools, and my middle school was placed in such an area that if you attended, you could go to any one of three schools. I didn’t know in middle school, but almost none of my friends would go to the same high school as me. The ones who did, changed so much over the summer that we weren’t really friends anymore.
There was this one girl, who I had a crush on throughout all of middle school, she moved to Washington, but I remembered one thing she said. “I will only marry you if you’re a brony or Matt Smith,” I knew I wasn’t Matt Smith, and I didn’t want to admit it but I also knew that I would never see her again. Naturally the two of those things combined with the loneliness inside gave me a ‘nothing to lose’ mentality. So I logged onto my dad’s Netflix account and started streaming the show My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic.
I cringed through the entire first two episodes, but I kept watching because I felt like I could relate somewhat to Twilight. After I finished watching the second season I started to legitimately enjoy the show. By the end of season three, I had read many fan fictions on the internet such as My Little Dashie, and I came to decide that my favorite pony was Rainbow Dash. I got so obsessed with the Rainbow Dash, and kept watching the show just to see her.
As time went on, my life was sad. I had no love, no friends, and no sense of self, figuratively my world had faded to grey. I would come home from school sore and tired wanting nothing but to cry. The show was like a crutch to me. No matter what happened I knew that it would always be there waiting for me. When I couldn’t even make it that far I pretended that she sat beside me, three foot tall and eyes wide with empathy.
By the time Christmas had rolled around and none of my wishes had come true, I actually printed and bound My Little Dashie, and read it three times over. With some of the money my family gave me, I ordered my first piece of MLP merchandise. I got myself a stuffed rainbow dash that I could hug and cry into when I was sad. It was therapeutic, and if I closed my eyes I could even convince myself that it was real.
My dad knew about my obsession, but he was kind enough to not bring it up. The rest of my family wasn’t as such. The following summer we went to a family reunion in Utah, which meant that my entire extended family was there. I got along well with the young ones; I talked about dirt bikes with my cousins and taught one of them how to use a butterfly knife. They thought I was tough yet gentle, which isn’t too bad of a mix. All it took to win the girls was be willing to watch My Little Pony with them, and laugh with them at times.
My sisters just couldn’t stand not being the cool ones. They’ve been spoiled attention seekers for as long as I can remember. And for them to see me, their stupid brother be loved by all was just not okay. Naturally they picked on me as sisters do, but just picking on me wasn’t enough. They needed something to destroy me with. What better than to investigate than the 16 year old boy, who avidly practiced twirling a butterfly knife and fixed motorcycle engines watching none other than My Little Pony.
The very first place they looked was the Netflix queue, and much fruit did it bare. Right next to Breaking Bad was My Little Pony S4E12. Without restraint, they shared it. They knew perfectly well what it would do to me and that was why they did it. I was humiliated. The extended family didn’t care, but it was still something I didn’t want people knowing because once people know that, they like to question things like sexuality and mental state, and generally harass you.
This is a small part of why I think I might be insane, usually insanity is caused by desire accompanied by trauma. Looking back, that isn’t very traumatizing. However it still hurt and it revealed to me that I could not trust the people that I lived with every day, and that is something that I think is worthy being called traumatizing.
Naturally when someone has no emotional connection at all and lacks in trust they develop some kind of mental illness. In my case I got depression. First off, no I am not one of those attention seekers who looks up what depression is and self-diagnoses. I went to a psychological professional who charged me one hundred and twenty dollars a session and sent me away after fifty minutes of talking. After a month of having two of those a week, two things happened: My wallet had gotten considerably thinner, and I got a nice little slip of paper that said something like “This loser is depressed,”
I tried to say that I wasn’t and that I’m just not particularly happy with life the way it is. But like a man with a diploma charging a hundred plus dollars for fifty minutes of emotional roller coaster would, he didn’t care. I then had to go to my local pharmacy and say something like “Prescription for TJ,” and walk away with a little orange bottle of motivation pills that I would pretend I took the next week.
In all reality, I probably should have taken those pills. I have no idea what they did, and I was paying insane amounts for them, but maybe they could have prevented whatever psychological issue I may or may not be suffering from now. But it’s not quite time to talk about that yet. There’s still so much I can say about how I go here!
I took up many hobbies, crafts, and arts, just to try and distract myself. Make me forget how lonely I was. I still watched the show, but I also did other things. I baked, I carved, I engineered, I sewed, heck I even took up running. Honestly, I had a preference to running because I thought that if one day I were to meet rainbow dash we would get along better if I could keep up. I still practiced all the other hobbies and got quite good at all of them. My physical shape improved from crap and I became quite healthy.
As my physical shape went from a food deprived boy shape to a meat on a stick shape, kids at school started talking to me again. My family was still not pleasant, but I at least felt welcomed somewhere. I’m sure if I tried I could have gotten a girlfriend. For some time I actually smiled when I got home. I didn’t know it at the time, but my sense of humor was a little dry, and actually got me into a few arguments.
For the first little while, people just dismissed it. However eventually one person got so unbelievably offended over something so small and it cost me the social life that I had just earned myself. I don’t even remember what the joke was, but I do remember that I was getting my wisdom teeth out and I joked that I was getting some kind of transplant. I’m honestly surprised that they took me seriously, I told them before the end of the day that it wasn’t actually going to happen.
They got so pissed, called me a child, and completely erased me from their social circle. It was then that I was sure I was depressed. I tried hard to try and make amends, but just like I was determined to not take my pills, they were determined to not like me. I went a few months with my sanity in tact, I kept practicing my hobbies. But no matter what I did, life just wasn’t the same. Once you have a group of friends, trying to live without it is like someone with a kidney failure knowing that there’s just one person in front of them in line for a transplant, but they won’t live long enough to get theirs. It sucks.
Chapter IV Where I am Now
Naturally, the six heroes in the magical land of Equestria responded to the domestic disturbance that was myself. I didn’t run, didn’t reek havoc, I was more shocked than anything. It was when they actually spoke to me that I even considered my own insanity. They talked with me for about an hour before they decided that I wasn’t an immediate threat.
I’m here
I’m happy
I’m staying
-TJ
Author's Note
Yes, this is inspired by the fan fiction My Little Dashie, and yes I did mention that fan fiction many times in the story just to emphasize a separation and minor creativity. A lot of things in the story are things that have actually happened to me, and a lot of the ending is what I wish would actually happen. I do suffer from chronic clinical depression however, I am not insane. I actually declined the offer of antidepressants instead of being prescribed them and just not taking them. Please, don’t worry about me. I am not at an immediate risk of suicide and I don’t need nor do I want your pity. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed.
-Someone who’s not really named TJ
After so many sleepless nights, frivolous wishes, and inconclusive inquiries, I got the courage to just ask. Ask them why they just cut me off, what I did. I watched all emotion drain from their face when they told me. They weren’t angry, depressed, or happy: just dead serious when they said what they did. Honestly, it was quite rich. I really do wish they knew what it did to me.
They said something along the lines of: “We’re just not compatible, I’m sorry if you’re lonely but I don’t care. Go make some friends,” I was insulted. Because no matter how you think of what they said I was basically told that I was like an HDMI cable that they tried to put in a serial port. Plus the fact that they didn’t care about how I felt and the simple fact that they told me to go make some friends, the thing that I had been trying to do from the beginning.
