Your Mildly Interesting Adventures In Equestria

A single flickering light bulb hangs from the ceiling, illuminating the surroundings of a small dingy room. Heaps of garbage litter the room; were it not for the small bed, computer and various pony merchandise scattered around, the place would look like any other dump. Out of this hell hole you could call a home, a single man lies sitting on his bed, fiddling with his computer.

He is the reason that his father must work two jobs, well past his retirement age. He is the reason why heated arguments can be heard long through the night. His only noteworthy accomplishment was graduating high school at the top of his class, but contrary to his academic success he lives in his parent’s basement. This embodiment of epic failure just so happens to be you.

You work a dead end job touching coins all day long as a toll booth operator and making minimum wage. Well, that would be the case if you were actually doing your job, but most if not all of your time is spent writing self insert My Little Pony fan fiction. Once in a blue moon during those rare instances where you actually do your job, you ruin everyone’s day by only accepting bills and giving back change in pennies. Everyone hates you.

So after a long day of sitting on your ass, you are both mentally and physically exhausted. The soothing sounds of your parent’s arguing resonate throughout your tiny living quarters, so you decide to put on your headphones and crank up your terrible music before the subject eventually changes to you. Your headphones blast earsplitting crap into your eardrums; it’s a surprise how you still retain any sense of hearing, but it seems the music is doing its job. Not a single word can be heard from your parent’s loving conversation.

Armed with your crappy music, you brave the infamous board of 4chan known only as /redacted/. Because everyone knows that /redacted/ is the only board on 4chan, you have no choice but to spread your message of love and tolerance to its respectable and orderly community. Ignoring the countless furfags and “You raff you lose” threads littering the front page, you create a new thread dedicated solely to My Little Pony.

Unsurprisingly your thread is quickly bombarded by gore, Spiderman pictures and the word n*gger. Undeterred by these feeble attempts against your resolve, you begin to have an intelligent debate with whoever may be watching about who is best pony; which is obviously Rainbow Dash. Out of the corner of your eye you notice a single reply not flooded with the word n*gger, but instead a single exquisitely drawn rule 34 shipping fan art of Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash gracing the otherwise desolate space.

Under normal circumstances you would archive the picture for later use, but every single pixel of this masterpiece screamed for attention. In one fluid motion you tear off your trusty pair of sweatpants and grab the miniature Lyra plushie resting on your nightstand. With the tenacity of a dying warrior, you begin to furiously pleasure yourself to the assortment of colorful pixels on your screen. Several minutes pass with you having your sick way with the unfortunate plushie.

You feel the pressure quickly building in your loins; you’re going to blow your load any second now! With a will of iron, you stop yourself from blowing your crusty load inside the Lyra plushie. Unfortunately for you your seed instead ends up splattered on the keyboard of your newly bought laptop. Hoping to clean up the mess you made before it solidifies and gets sticky, you vigorously attempt to scrub away the skeet with a tissue. For some physics defying reason, the second you touch your manly juices, an arc of electricity springs from the keyboard striking you on the hand. The electric shock fills your body with an indescribable ecstasy, oddly enough you now feel yourself stranded in an immense, empty space. Slowly losing consciousness you feel your body drift off into the dark void.