Your Mildly Interesting Adventures In Equestria

You awake in the middle of a sunny meadow with your penis clenched firmly in your hand, and an insatiable hunger to get it on with the various equine species, your typical morning routine. You quickly realize the world around you is rendered in flash, and bears a striking resemblance to the sick porn you get your rocks off to. For once in your entire life your brain begins to function, and deduces you must be in Equestria. In order to celebrate your unexplained relocation to Equestria you wave your magic school bus around in the air while singing a horrible rendition of the Smile song. Your wild antics disgust, and scare off Fluttershy unfortunately wandering nearby. While the prospect of ravaging Fluttershy with your one eyed monster is an opportunity that most could only hope to achieve, you abandon the effort in order to continue your quest to find best pony, which is obviously Rainbow Dash.

With your expert knowledge on the geography of the Equestrian landscape you easily find your way to Ponyville, much to the dismay of its inhabitants. Unsurprisingly the majority if not all of the ponies in Ponyville actively avoid your neckbeard, cheeto encrusted form. Being the brain dead atrocity of a person you are, a good deal of your time is spent, it’s worthless anyway, terrorizing the good samareitans of Ponyville with your grotesque meaty thighs that emit an ear splitting sound comparable to a thunderclap as you push your body to the limit in the lame excuse of movement you call walking before you notice your severe lack of pants. That might explain why every pony was staring and avoiding the miserable excuse of a human being, i.e you.

Surprisingly you feel a pang of shame at your pantless form, and decide to add find pants to your to do list, right up above find best pony. You make your way to the Carousel Boutique in hopes of acquiring pants, which is highly unlikely because well, ponies don’t wear pants, only to be greeted by an exquisitely designed pony shaped mailbox that bears a striking resemblance to that lyra plushie you bought off of ebay. The pressure quickly building up in your loins, you realize that it must have been hours since you last enjoyed the pleasure of diddling your doodle with your lyra plushie. Seeking release, your only option is to plow the nearest pony/pony shaped object in your vicinity, which just happens to be that tantalizing mailbox standing next to you.

With surprising strength, you yank the puny mailbox door off its hinges and proceed to repeatedly jam your miniscule johnson into the opening. Being the sick, twisted, son of a bitch you are, you feel immense pleasure from the added resistance of the rolled up newspaper and brick contained within. Grasping the mailbox with both arms, pure ecstasy washes over your entire body as you nearly reach climax. As if on cue, Rarity, oblivious to the mysterious sounds coming from outside her window, comes waltzing out seeking her morning paper; Only to be greeted by your massive, sweaty form pounding her hoofcrafted mailbox.

“In the name of Celestia and all that is holy, what in the tartarus do you think you’re doing?” Rarity barked, her face covered in a deep shade of crimson. Slowly withdrawing your still throbbing banana from the mailbox, you quickly turn to face Rarity with a hideous smile plastered on your face.

“Hey there little filly,” you say in your most seductive voice, swaying your hips as you slowly walk toward her. “you wanna have a good time?”. Rarity did what any sensible mare would do to a pantless glob of fat making sexual advances; with the force of a heavy duty jackhammer, Rarity bucks you straight in the chest, leaving you sprawled across the ground. Being terrible at accepting rejection, you retrieve the conviently placed brick inside of Rarity’s violated mailbox and proceed to violently pound on her door. After hearing you violently knock at her door for several minutes, Rarity throws open the door with a visibly angry expression on her face.

Taking the initiative, you muster all the strength in your fat, pathetic arms and smash the brick against the side of her head. Normally such a violent action would either lead to serious injury or death, but due to you having the upper body strength of a prepubescent child Rarity is only slightly injured and unconscious. Taking precautions to hide your dastardly deed, you drag Rarity’s now unconscious body inside and close the door behind you, making sure to flip the sign to closed. Unfortunately for the now unconscious Rarity, your hedonistic impulses begin to surface, turning Rarity’s now limp body into the closest thing you will ever have to a consenting female in your life. Due to Rarity’s current state, she has an inability to either complain or protest making her an easy target for your perverted desires.

“Rarity,” you begin to speak in your loudest voice possible. “Do you mind if I fuck your brains out?” A soft audible wheeze can be heard coming from Rarity, but otherwise no form of protest can be heard. Taking the silence as just another way of saying yes, you begin to slowly thrust your keyblade into her eye socket . Mother always said the most beautiful part of a lady, or in this case mare is her eyes, so it was just the natural course of action to fully “appreciate” her beauty.

The warm, mushy properties of her brain against your throbbing member fills your body with an indescribable ecstasy, nearly causing you to prematurely blow your load in Rarity’s skull. Rarity’s previously limp body begins to convulse wildly, this merely enhances your pleasurable experience causing you to increase the ferocity and speed of your thrusts. At this point, blood curdling screams can be heard throughout the building, begging for mercy.

“I can’t take it anymore!” Rarity begged using the remainder of what little strength she still had for one final plea. “ Please just end it, I don’t want to live anymore; Kill me, KILL ME NOW!

“Shut your whore mouth, are you trying to get me caught you stupid bitch?” you shout as you repeatedly slam your trusty brick into Rarity’s skull in hopes to silence her, permanently. Rarity’s body reverts back to its previously limp state, but instead the soft wheeze from earlier has now been replaced by a bone chilling gurgle. Defying all odds, the remnants of Rarity’s fragile form still cling to life. You rise the brick high above your head for one final blow, but just as you’re about to end the mares suffering you notice your still throbbing willy still lodged deep within her eye socket.You resume your thrusting with a clear conscience, what harm can be had with having a little fun?

You feel the pressure steadily building between your loins, in just a matter of seconds Rarity’s skull will now be filled with your crusty seed.

“IMMA FIRING MAH LAZER!” you scream at the top of your lungs in an effort to forever immortalize this moment within your limited mental faculties. With the force of an erupting volcano, you blow your load into Rarity’s cranium. The sheer force of the skeet rips apart her body like a rag doll, splattering the bloody remnants of her body across the walls. Surprisingly you sit at the epicenter of all this gore and destruction unscathed by a single drop of blood.

Unbeknownst to you Spike was hiding behind a nearby doorway all along, pleasuring himself to your wild antics. Witnessing the bloody scene before him, a single tear is shed to mourn Rarity’s loss, just as Spike finishes polishing his pole.