"Ricky! Get your weeaboo faggot ass down here right now if you want any pizza," called the most insufferably obnoxious voice from the kitchen.
I was in the middle of Equestria Girls: Friendship Games though. There's no way I was going to miss a single second of this amazing movie, and I couldn't find the damn remote to pause. There was only one thing to do...
"Ugh," I groaned, rolling my couch-potato body off the bed and scrambling towards the TV. After fidgeting around the back for a few moments I found the pause button.
"Ricky! I swear if I come in there and you're watching Equestria Girls again I'm gonna—"
"Jesus Christ, Gordon, calm down," I screamed, rolling my eyes. "Just leave the goddamn pizza on the table, I prefer it cold anyway."
I really did want the pizza though. I hadn't eaten all day so I was pretty much starving by now. Season 3 wouldn't re-watch itself though, and there was simply no time for eating when the ponies demanded my full attention.
Falling back onto the bed, I grabbed my Fluttershy body pillow and held it close, whispering sensual words into her ear. She smiled at me, and although she technically was always smiling, it was obviously because I made her so happy. We snuggled every night. I read her bedtime stories. I was even planning to propose soon, although I'd need to do it in private because I wouldn't want all the other ponies in my room getting jealous.
My eyes flitted around, checking the various pony figures on my shelves to make sure they weren't reading my thoughts. The last thing I'd want is everypony else to hate me for showing favoritism.
Even though Fluttershy is best pony.
Suddenly the door burst open, causing me to jump and almost have a heart attack. Gordon's disgustingly ripped gym-faggot body popped through, wearing his signature wife-beater that made him look like the archetypal fuckboy. "I'm having a girl round tonight. Try not to be, well, yourself," he said, flashing a smug smile. "In fact, it would be best if you just didn't leave your room, and put earphones on while you're watching My Little Princess."
"My Little Pony." I rolled my eyes and slowly detached myself from my waifu. "Lucky for you, I'm going to be working on fanfiction tonight instead, so no noise."
Gordon laughed, turning to leave my glorious pony sanctuary. "You're hopeless. You should throw away all this pony trash if you ever hope to have a girl in this room."
"Screw you!" I spat. The joke was on him though, I had hundreds of girls in my room at all times.
The door slammed shut, but I was still fuming with rage. How a person could be so insensitive and disrespectful was beyond my comprehension. I couldn't wait until next year when the contract ends and I get to move out. I'd never have to see his stupid face ever again.
My shoulders drooped and a strand of hair fell over my face. I looked up longingly at my life-size Fluttershy plushie. "I wish I could live in your world," I murmured, a lump developing in my throat. "It's not fair that I have to be stuck here."
I blinked, and when I opened my eyes everything had changed. Before me was a colorful assortment of houses hanging below a backdrop of clear, blue skies. Technicolor ponies walked up and down the streets, tending to their daily business. I turned my head, and right where I expected there was the Everfree Forest.
I couldn't believe it, my wish had come true!
Before I could get too excited, I paused to consider the ramifications of my new situation. Out of all the tens of thousands of fictional universes I had been transported to this one. Not only was it unlikely, it was also scientifically impossible by the laws of, well, science. Even if such a universe did exist, how was it that the MLP creators managed to somehow know every detail without actually visiting the universe themselves?
Perhaps this is some sort of cruel trick. Perhaps Gordon had gotten his hands on some super realistic virtual reality technology. I doubted it though, Gordon was barely intelligent enough to operate a toaster.
Perhaps it was within the realm of possibility that Equestria did exist as a parallel universe, and the MLP creators just randomly happened to get every single detail right. It was ridiculously improbable, but not entirely impossible. All I'd have to do is explore a bit and see if the nuances of this world are consistent with—
Oh god. It can't be.
Just down the path I was stood on, having just crossed the bridge leading to the Everfree, was a pegasus pony. But this was not just any pegasus pony. Her coat was a soothing shade of yellow, complimenting her long, graceful pink mane that cascaded elegantly down her back.
I stumbled backwards, almost falling on my ass due to the fact I now had four hooves instead of actual, useful appendages. How ponies survived without opposable thumbs was beyond me. Although, this was all irrelevant because Fluttershy was walking straight towards me!
Taking a deep breath, I calmed my racing heart. I had been preparing for this moment for my whole life, and I was readier than I've ever been. I'd taken hundreds of online quizzes and consistently scored above 90% on personality compatibility with Fluttershy. All I would have to do is woo her with my irresistible charm and she'd be in my arms faster than I could say "screw you Gordon".
Fluttershy was mere paces away now, and I could have sworn she was looking straight at me. She could see me! This was really real, it was really happening! I was going to meet the love of my life.
"H... H... Hello F... Flu... —" I cut myself off, realizing how there could be no logical reason why I'd know her name. I didn't want to freak her out, and stuttering like an idiot was a sure way to accomplish that.
I had one chance to achieve my life goal of dating Fluttershy. I was not going to mess it up.
After clearing my throat and swallowing the lump, I said at last, "Hello."
Fluttershy stopped in her tracks, slowly turning to face me. She heard me! She could definitely hear me! I was really in Equestria, talking to Fluttershy!
"Um. Hi."
My heart throbbed with a mixture of excitement, terror, and love. Her voice was so adorable and identical to how she sounded on the show! Oh my god what have I done to deserve this? What could I say? Fluttershy had never expressed any interest in stallions on the show, what would make her interested in me?
There was no time to think though. Her beautiful eyes were fixated on mine, although she looked more confused than anything else. Oh yeah, she had no idea who I was.
"My name is Ricky, I couldn't help noticing that your, um—" I stuttered, looking around for an excuse to help her with something "—your cart looks heavy. Might I help you with it?"
Oh my god, it was perfect. She was carrying a large cart of what looked like a literal pile of shit. It was brown and gross, maybe mulch or something. Whatever, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I had an excuse to start a conversation!
Fluttershy looked around nervously. I was almost hurt by her indecisiveness. Did she think I was going to lure her to a shed and rape her or something? I'm not that kind of Brony. Even my most suggestive fanfics were rated teen!
"I'm sorry, but it's fine," Fluttershy whispered, turning quickly as if she wanted to escape.
My mouth opened but there were no words to say. I had failed. Fluttershy hated me and wouldn't even speak to me. Even in Equestria, the literal land of friendship, I was unable to make a friend.
Think, Ricky. Think!
My mind raced with thoughts. Perhaps there was a way to salvage the situation? What did Fluttershy like? Animals? Perhaps if I speak to her interests then she might warm up to me. I think the best way for this to work is if I profess my love for her right here and now. I've read it plenty of times in fanfiction and it seems to work more often than not. What could possibly go wrong?
"Fluttershy, I—"
Dammit, I just said her name didn't I? Oh dear god, how could I play that off as a coincidence? She'll probably think I'm some sort of stalker.
Fluttershy looked back with one eyebrow raised. "Is there something else?"
What? That's it? You're not even going to question why someone you just met just happened to know your name? Well, since this world seemed to lack all common sense, perhaps professing my love would be best way after all.
I did have one advantage though. I knew everything about Fluttershy. Suddenly, a proverbial light bulb went off in my head, and I knew exactly what to say.
Stepping forwards with my head held high, I said, "I've travelled here from Fillydelphia because I heard of the excellent work you've done fundraising for the animal shelter in Ponyville. Being an animal advocate myself, I saw this as a great opportunity to offer my services to you."
Fluttershy looked somewhat taken aback, but her body language showed that she was still listening. If nothing else, I had at least bought some more time before she ran away and my one chance was blown for good.
"I'm sorry if we got off to a strange start, but I just couldn't help noticing the mulch you were carrying and wanted to help out," I continued, somewhat surprised by my sudden surge of confidence. Gordon was wrong, as always. I never had a problem talking to girls, especially one who I've known practically my whole life.
After some time of deliberation, Fluttershy unhooked herself from the cart and smiled. "T... Thank you, Ricky."
The cart was heavy and smelled like manure, but I hardly noticed since my heart was floating in the clouds. I was walking into downtown Ponyville with Fluttershy by my side. This day couldn't possibly be more perfect.
There was an awkward silence as I ran out of things to talk about. Suddenly, I realized that even though 99% of my life revolved around MLP I was still unable to think of a conversation topic without appearing to have unrealistic knowledge about it.
I mean, what could I say?
"Oh Fluttershy, that time when you defeated Nightmare moon was awesome!"
"Oh Fluttershy, when you stormed into the gala with a horde of stampeding animals you were so adorable!"
"Oh Fluttershy, let's go back to your cottage and have sex seven times a day and live happily ever after—"
"Um. Ricky. Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked, snapping me back to 'reality'. I had been so lost in thought this whole time that we had already arrived at the shelter where the mulch needed to be dumped.
That was it, my one chance to spend a day with Fluttershy and I ruined it by imagining hypothetical bullshit! Although, this entire scenario was probably hypothetical bullshit and I would likely wake up in the apartment in a pool of my own sweat and tears.
I stared back at Fluttershy with pleading eyes, begging her to love me like I loved her. There she stood, a picture of pure beauty shining in the light of the Equestrian sun, but I was too pathetic to ask her out.
There was no time left. I had to say something, but what? Oh god, she probably hated me by now. I was just as much of a worthless beta in the pony world as I was in the human world.
Such was the curse of the Brony.
"F... Flut... Fluttershy?" I squeaked, biting my lip so hard it started bleeding. "W... Would you l... l... like to get lunch with m... me?"
There! I did it Gordon, are you happy now? God damn I would kill for your fuckboy skills right now. Perhaps if I'd come to the gym maybe once like you asked then maybe I'd have learned some confidence.
I started sweating, and the whole world seemed to freeze as I intently stared at Fluttershy's unfathomable eyes, waiting for the inevitable response.
"Okay," Fluttershy said simply, after a long, terrifying pause, "I like making new friends, and you seem nice."
Oh.
My.
God.
She said yes? She said yes? My dreams had finally come true, I was going to go on a date with Flutter—
Wait, did she just say friend?
My shoulders slumped as my heart instantly shattered into a million pieces. I had just gotten friendzoned, by a horse.
God dammit.
