It was a 'meh' day in Ponyville. Cloudy from the storm earlier and muggy enough to make almost all the ponies lethargic.
CRASH!
Almost all. Pinkie pie was a typhoon in coveralls bouncing around sugarcube corner quickly constructing what appeared to be a throne of pillows with her trusted pet gummy sitting on the sidelines. One of the patrons was becoming curious. "Pinkie what in Luna's moon are you doing?" The pink tornado slowed down until it was nothing but a pink mare trembling in excitement. "I'm getting ready! Gummy says we're getting a guest! A guest different from all the rest." This left everyone in earshot confused and cautious. Pinkie pie doing strange things was perfectly ok, Pinkie pie doing strange things based instructions from something that cant talk....well that never ended well. Some of the ponies were switching from confused looks being thrown at gummy and wary looks being thrown at pinkie. So it took everyone a few seconds to notice the portal on the ceiling.

"AAAAH FUCK!" At least until the weird guy came flying out of it and landed back first on a stool right next to the glorious pillow throne.

"Oh no! I forgot to carry the 7! Now he'll never want me to throw him a party, and I'll start listening to the voices again, and start writing those scary stories again, then rainbow will read them again and wont want to be my friend!' The pink mare babbled while hugging the metaphorical stuffing out of Gummy who's wide purple eyes were locked on the newcomer.

"ooooh damn what hit me? feels like I just reenacted a seen from a batman movie" Lazmer said as he rolled off the stool.

"Greetings World Walker and merry met. To answer your Question It was a Whitetale woods Barstool with enchanted never break wood-gloss. And you hit it." Lazmer was used to hearing voices in his head. both his own and those from others. So it didn't take him long to trace the magic sending the thoughts to him back to the small gator. "Dang somebody must have worked some serious mojo on you little buddy. My names Lazmer, who are you?"
"My Ancestor actually. My name is Gummy Glatisant Gator."
Before he could continue his conversation with the enhanced gator his little buddy disappeared as the mare hugging him started to twirl.
"My little Gum-Gum made a friend! This is great now you won't stare out the window all day or stare at my rope stash all night.'

Lazmer honestly thought the scene was quite cute. The patrons however were thinking of other things.
"where did that guy come from?"
"I don't see any fur on him, you think he's sick?"
"Oh man not another Pinkie!"
"what if he's retarded changeling or something?"

Hearing this Lazmer prepared to make his Great and Daring escape only to realize one thing.
"Hey miss? umm not to be a buzzkill but I kinda can't feel my legs."
And the panic doubled.

Turns out he hit that chair hard enough to put pressure on a whole bunch of nerves and pressure points. It was weird that nothing was broken but Nurse redheart was willing to pass it off as a species difference after getting a good look at him. His biology was weird, what kind of creature only has one stomach?

Never the less as he hadn't shown signs of serious sickness or life threatening injury she was forced to stick him in a wheelchair and let him go.
Right into the waiting care of The ponyville guards. Just because they are peaceful doesn't mean they are stupid.
So now our hero sits in a cell dealing with the worst torture imaginable.
"But how will I know she likes me for me? I mean what if she's just interested is Brute shot the guard and not Brute shot the pony?"
"you'll never know if you don't give her a chance. Lime twist seems like a nice mare I'm sure you'll be fine"
Relationship troubles. This conversation had been going on for four hours. FOUR. HOURS.
"you're probably right, but how can I be sure?"
That was the last straw.
"Oh my fucking gods just tell her you quit being a guard or got fired and are instead going to pursue your passion. Then ask her out. If she says no, she's a Bragger and would've left you as soon as better arm candy comes along. If she stays then congrats you have a girlfriend who you'll probably always feel bad about questioning the faithfulness of unless the relationship collapses. Which it might do because of you're guilt being noticed by her and her thinking it's over something worse. Those are your options. Both suck. You suck. And I would be very happy if we could all just SHUT THE FUCK UP!'
The guards were quiet. Finally. maybe now he could try to get rid of this headache.
Sniffle.
oh no. oh HELL NO.
"Are you crying?"
"N-no. B-be quiet. P-princess sparkle will be here to t-talk to you soon."
Ignoring the sugarplum fairy-eques name Lazmer instead focused on The Broad shouldered Guard he'd come to know as Brute shot, he also ignored the second much taller guard Battle cry glaring holes at him like he could light him on fire. and given the lightly glowing horn on his head he might be able to.

"Hey look man I didn't mean to make you cry. Look either it works out or it doesn't. Agonizing over it isn't going to help."

Slowly the winged guard got himself under control (he really should ask about this at some point.). They sat in silence after that. Sweet, sweet silence that lasted another hour and a half. Just long enough for that headache to disappear.

So he wasn't quite as snappy as Brute wheeled him out of the barn being used as a cell, Town apparently had a pretty low crime rate, and wheeled him over to a purple lady with the gaudiest piece of jewelry he had even seen outside of a rap video.
"Hello Mr.Lazmer."

Author's Note

OK so I see a few red thumbs. probably not fans of my writing style. or crackish stories. but if you have a legit complaint about the story or a suggestion to make it better please leave a comment. but not purposefully hurtful things like "delete this story" or "stop writing" legit comments only please.

secondly I'm going to explain my versions of the princesses and I might end up doing this for others who appear later.

Celestia - usually I see her shown as manipulative. Controlling everything to get her desired outcome. (like how fanfics show Dumbledore) in my version she is manipulating everything but just small things to keep a schedule. I like to think This is where Twilight gets her OCD over lists from.

Luna - when I see her she's usually one of two things. envying Celestia's bod or a gamer. I'm fine with gamer Luna but literally half the Luna art I've seen has her as a washboard. My version she isn't. She's got a awesome body. she isn't flaunting it, but she knows its there.