Mr. Original in: Boast Busters

Chapters

"Don't you dare compare yourself to my garage again."
"Watch what you say, she'll kill you in your sleep."
"You tripped on nothing. I didn't do anything."
"My mustache doesn't have to be alive to be flawless."

"Don't you dare compare yourself to my garage again."

Mr. Original’s Dictionary
Original Edition

Explode Faint
/ikˈsplōd fānt/
vb.

-When James/Conscience Explodes and Pop Faints at the same time

[Theme Song]

Twilight and Spike had left the library, and would supposedly return in a couple hours or so. While they were out and about, James (and Conscience, who had merged with him) decided to stay at the library and read something. But first...

James shrunk his piano with a Mini Mushroom to the point where it was the size of his palm before going upstairs to the bedroom, to put it in one of the drawers. Closing it, he made his way down to the living room and pulled out his music records.

"Hmm...," he mused as he looked through them. He had a good memory of song names. If he knew the song title, he'd have a brief, if not thorough, idea of what the song sounded like. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no," he continued to flip through records he had already listened to. (That included the record album of Garnett Lee's songs.) He felt as if he may have been past half already, so he skipped to the end, and decided he'd flip backwards until he found a familiar album. Then he'd know where he'd left off. He had only flipped through the very last one, when-- boom. The second last one was an album of songs by Duke Ellington.

So, wait... that meant-- "Damn, I'm already on the last one?" he said quietly to himself. He frowned in disappointment. He'd really blown past these songs too quickly for his own liking. Though he'd be damned if he remembered all the songs by heart. But if he was true to himself, he wouldn't have it any other way. "Ah, well," he Signature Shrugged. He flipped back to the final album: Scott Joplin. ...Wait, what?

"But I already listened to this album," James furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "I know I already listened to this!" he skipped to a certain spot near the beginning. He had a photographic memory of where Joplin's album was, since he listened to his on a constant basis. That thought caused him to stop. He'd not only been through the entire case of albums (minus the last one), but he even listened to some songs he really liked several times as well.... He shook his head. He had to find that other album. He went through a few more, and... here it was.

Conscience came out and pointed at the album with gusto. "Iiiii knew it!" he exclaimed triumphantly. So that meant... that meant that Scott Joplin had two different albums. At that realization, James scoffed. He wasn't surprised by that.

"Okay, more Joplin for me, not a problem at all," James put the record on the phonautograph and started the music.

[Later...]

They weren't aware of it, but the record had reached the last song of the album: Original Rags.
Meanwhile, they were reading more of their book 'James and the Giant Peach'. But then they started Talking again. (It was Conscience's fault.)

"James's aunts are bitches."

"Garfield said 'no,'" James replied, not looking up from the book.

"I wouldn't blame him. That clown in the television is an ass****."

"Hence the p-word alert," James raised his index.

"And the bleeping sound," Conscience added.

"But then how do you fix a Blue Screen of Death by cussing it out?"

"We'll never know. The section of the video ended too soon."

"It doesn't matter! Watermarks aren't holy."

"Right, but still, they're noticeable," James raised his index... again.

"Good thing we have editors to keep them from making their account logos too big."

"True, true...," James trailed off.

"James, why do you think CatDog fight all the time?" Conscience suddenly asked.

"Cat is classy, but selfish... sort of. Dog is... not as selfish, but... argh! That ass**** is just... IRRITATING!" James Exploded in anger at the thought as he finally looked up from the book. He'd get up way early in the morning to watch CatDog when he was a teenager. He even drew a not-so-bad picture of them once. He wondered how in the f*ck that was one of his most preferred cartoons as a kid.

"Indeed," Conscience nodded sagely.

James was through discussing that, he needed to change the subject. "On another note, you don't relax on beds just to jump at the ceiling."

Conscience deadpanned. "Seriously? I mean, if you get high enough then it's possible that your hallucinations will allow you to think you can bounce off your ass-- or better yet, your back-- to touch the ceiling."

"But after you reach it, then what?" James shrugged questioningly.

"Obviously, you hit the ceiling enough times from bouncing really hard. Therefore you bust through said ceiling, and can begin bouncing closer and closer to the sky. When you think you've touched the sky, you'll have the ability to fly. Guaranteed," Conscience explained in a lecturing voice.

James blinked. "...That... is the one of the most depressingly good things I've ever heard in my life." Of course he was exaggerating.

"Certain songs don't help either, because they can make you feel as if you actually can bounce through the ceiling and touch the sky. No music is an exception." He paused in thought, feeling uncertain of that statement. "...Yep, not one style," he Epic Shrugged in finality.

"It's up to us to get over it," James said gravely as he shook his head. "I just wish I knew how to do that soon-a."

"It is soon-a!" Conscience frowned. "They have a way of... of... making our bake."

"Screw those kids, they were ass****s for practically no reason."

"Yeah, you're right, f*** society, that had nothing to do with it. Sh**."

"That goat went from kicking ass and singing, to getting his ass handed to him... and singing."

James chuckled at that. He'd already forgotten about touching the ceiling and sky. But at that point, the song playing on the phonautograph came to an end. The last song of the album. The last song of the case. James had listened to all the songs.

At this realization he turned his head to his phonautograph. "Hey, the record's done." He walked over to the table on which it sat. "Well, I suppose I'll start over aga--" He stopped in his tracks as the phonautograph started to rumble. And he was sure it wasn't an earthquake, the ground itself wasn't shaking. James squinted slightly in confused alarm as it started glowing white. Not flashing rapidly, but just slowly and gradually changing from glowing to normal-looking, and so on.

"What in the f***?" Conscience raised an eyebrow as he walked over to James and stood beside him. "James, what the hell happened?"

"I didn't do anythi--" He flinched with a start when a booming noise resounded from the phonautograph. No sooner after that did a smoke-like fog trail out from its horn. It took him a few seconds to notice he had his machine gun ready and aimed at the scene. "Uh...," was the uncertain drawl that came from him.

His and Conscience's eyes widened when they realized that the fog was materializing into something. Or possibly, someone, they noted as the shape gained more and more detail. First thing to take shape was the feet, then the legs, then the body, the arms, and finally the head. After the fog apparently finished shaping, the fog gradually changed color.

James and Conscience's gazes looked from the bottom and up as the shoes became black, the pants became a cardboard brown. The shirt was actually an off-white dress shirt, the cuffs showing from beneath the light dirt-brown cardigan jacket that covered it, completed with a black tie. And the face... was brown. A very familiar face...

As their minds slowly processed the completely opaque and now-fully-materialized figure, they realized that they were in the presence of a very significant artist in the history of music. Standing before them was none other than the King of Ragtime himself: Scott Joplin.

"S-Sc-S-Sc-Sc-Scott...?" Conscience bit his lip to keep from screaming in excitement. James's mouth opened wide in awe, his pupils shrunken to tiny dots, involuntarily dropping his gun.

After a couple seconds of stunned silence, Scott spoke as he looked down at himself. "It's been a little over sixty years since I've been in this form."

POP!

Conscience Explode Fainted.

The musician spirit then looked at James, who had to use his hand to close his mouth. "Congratulations to you, as you have completed your journey."

Miraculously, James found his voice. "I-I did?" he stammered.

"Yes," Scott nodded. "You truly are one with the jazz." James had to fight to suppress the Cheerful shout of victory from escaping his throat. He did, however, fail to catch the distant smile that crept onto his face. "However, this is also the beginning of a new journey."

James blinked. "...I... I-I don't understand. You mean I have to find more songs and listen to them, and experience them?" The question sounded ridiculous to him the moment it left his mouth.

Scott chuckled and shook his head. "You don't have to find the music. The music will find you." He noticed the confused look on James's face and continued. "To any ordinary being, everything would be without music. Music is something that you make or listen to or notice in the midst of everyday noises." He leaned forward. "But to you, music is everywhere. They have souls and minds of their own and can affect you in many ways. The songs have a way with time, that only you can see."

"...Wow. I-I don't know what to say."

Scott cocked his head sideways slightly. "Say, what's your name, anyway?"

"U-Uh, James III."

"Well, James," Scott asked, "do you think you are ready?"

"Absolutely," James answered immediately.

"Now, his isn't a simple musical experience. You must stay sharp. Anyone in your current position would call it a burden. Especially the previous ones who have survived. Once you begin, you cannot stop, even if you want to." He stared intensely into James's eyes, causing him to avert his gaze downward. "Are you sure you are up for this?"

James pondered silently. There was a catch? He supposed that was understandable. Everything had flaws. Anyone in your current position may even call it a burden. Well, he'd been burdened by many things and still succeeded in whatever without being stopped by them. One more burden wouldn't hurt. Especially the previous ones who have survived. 'Survive'? This would put his life on the line? Perhaps that would be if he was an ordinary person. Was he an ordinary person? He looked up at Scott with a serious expression.

"Yes. Yes I am," he catch-phrased.

He could've sworn he could see a look of admiration in Scott's eyes during his next words. "...You're a brave young man." James Signature Blushed, despite himself. Scott placed his palm on James's forehead. For a second, all was still. Then suddenly, there was pain. He could hear a cacophony of different songs. He could feel the music, the songs indistinct, for there were so many all at once. So many that he let out a grunt of agony; the pain was excruciating, even for him.

And then, as suddenly and abruptly as it came, the pain left almost as quickly. When Scott removed his hand, James ungracefully fell on his back, his breathing a bit labored.

"I must say, I'm impressed," Scott said. "No one has ever remained conscious after this process."

The still-dazed James gave a tired grin as he lifted his head up and looked at his idol. (Well, one of his idols, anyway.) "*pant* I'm impressed *pant* myself."

Scott began to turn transparent. "I must go now. I wish the best of luck to you... James."

"That means a lot to me," James replied, his smile growing slightly. A bright glow overtook Scott, and before long, he had faded completely. James finally lowered his head back to the ground, his breathing deepened to regain his wind. And to stop the room from spinning like it still was.

"Gah!" Conscience shot up with a sharp inhale. He looked around frantically. "What just happened?" he looked at James, who had finally recovered enough and sat up.

"Sh*t.... Sh*t happened," James said distantly.

James and Conscience walked side-by-side down the road of Ponyville, Conscience wrapping his head around the incident in the library.

"So he touched your head, and gave you a slight migraine? That's how he gave you the power?"

"Apparently," James continued to look forward. "He even said that I'm the first person to not get knocked out by the procedure."

Conscience Grief Grimaced. "Goodness damn! I'm glad I didn't have to feel that."

"He was so vague, though," James broke his gaze from in front of him to look at Conscience. "I mean, he told me I completed my journey-- which I think he was talking about all those albums we finished listening to-- and that it was the start of another journey. And then he said that the previous successors (or whatever the f*** they're called) that have 'survived' would call this responsibility a burden.

"...That's practically it. That leaves me with so many questions that need answers! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do it? Things like that."

"Well, you never know. Maybe he'll come back later to further explain everything? Or you'll just know when the time comes?" Conscience pondered.

"I highly doubt that. Maybe he has faith that I'll figure out soon enough on my own. Maybe. I'm not even sure about that," James said as he looked at the ground. His face went red. "This is so f***ed up..."

The said nothing after that for a short while. After about ten seconds, Conscience broke the silence. "...You think we should tell anyone about this?"

James looked at Conscience and furrowed his eyebrows. "You know, that hadn't occurred to me." He looked down in thought, but was mentally interrupted as he heard familiar voices coming closer. Upon looking up, he saw Twilight and Spike walking in the same direction. He and Conscience did walk rather quickly when they were doing it subconsciously.

"Oh, Spike, stop. I'm sure there are lots of ponies right here in Ponyville that know just as much magic as me," Twilight spoke as she looked around at some of the ponies going about their business.

"Are you kiddin'? I don't think there's another unicorn in all of Equestria with your kind of ability, Twilight," Spike complimented, causing Twilight to smile bashfully. (James once again felt a little heat upon his face.)

"Gang way! Comin' through!" an approaching voice shouted.

The two pairs turned around just in time for Spike to get rammed by two unicorn colts. "Snips, Snails! What's goin' on?"

The colts in question came to a screeching halt. Unfortunately for Spike, flew a distance in the air despite the sudden lack of force that was taking him with it. Luckily, Conscience Flashed over to catch him in time.

"Haven't you heard? There's a new unicorn in town!" the source of the earlier voice spoke. He was the taller pale orange colt with a blueish green mane and tail.

"Yeah!" the shorter pale greenish blue colt with an orange mane and tail said as he bounced a few times in excitement. "They say that she's got more magical powers than any other unicorn, ever!"

Twilight froze. "Really?" She looked down anxiously.

"Aw, no way," Spike denied, "that honor goes to Twilight here."

Twilight smiled, her cheeks tinted pink... and James shook his head in exasperation. "Where is this unicorn?" she asked, trying to draw attention from herself.

"She's in the town square. Come on!" the taller colt broke into a gallop.

"Yeah! Come on!" the other colt whooped as he followed suit.

Conscience spoke. "So, what have you guys been out do--" He paused as he realized that the others had already ran ahead in the direction of the Town Square. "Son of a bitch pudding..."

Twilight, Spike, James, and a grumpy Conscience made their way to the front of the crowd. (Good thing the citizens were that polite.) Just then they heard a loud, sound-amplified voice ring over the crowd.

"Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic of the Grrreat and Powerful, Trrrixiiiiie!" the small cart that stood before them expanded and transformed into a decent sized stage, upon which a sudden cloud of sparkling smoke exploded. The smoke dissipated, leaving a unicorn mare in a purple hat and cape which was covered in numerous stars. Most of the ponies in the crowd 'oohed.' Obviously they were intrigued, something that James couldn't help but be annoyed at. Sure they'd never seen Twilight do it, but she'd teleported all the time.

"Watch in awe, as the Great and Powerful Trixie performs the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!" her forelegs shot into the air as fireworks exploded all around her.

"Goodness damn, I hate her demeanor already!" James hissed quietly to the other three.

"My, my, my. What boasting," Rarity glowered at the showmare onstage.

Spike was clearly not amused. "Come on, nopony's as magical as Twi--" Spike's eyes widened, "Twi-- Twi-- Oh!" the dragon cleared his throat. "H-Hey, Rarity, I, uh.... Mustache!" he zoomed off.

"...The f***?" Conscience muttered as he watched Spike.

Twilight walked over to Rarity. "There's nothing wrong with being talented, is there?" she frowned.

"Nothin' at all," Applejack said to Twilight before glaring at Trixie who summoned a bouquet of flowers for... herself. "'Cept when someone goes around showin' it off like a school filly with fancy new ribbons."

"Just because one has the ability to perform lots of magic does not make one better than the rest of us," Twilight wilted as Rarity spoke.

"Especially when ya got me around being better than the rest of us," Rainbow laughed... but stopped when Applejack narrowed her eyes at her (although the point was mostly driven by James, who was giving her a death glare out of the corner of his eye). "Uh... I mean, yeah. Magic shmagic. Boo!" The way Rainbow took her words back completely reversed James's mood, who facepalmed while snorting a few times in laughter.

The righteous words of the group of friends didn't go unnoticed by Trixie. "Well well well. It seems we have some neighsayers in the audience."

"No," James deadpanned.

"Who is so ignorant as to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie?" she reared back as if to give off an air of superiority. "Do they not know that they're in the presence of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria?"

Rarity blew a raspberry. "Just who does she think she is?" she murmured to Twilight.

"Yeah!" Spike butted in. "Since we all know that Twilight here is--"

"Spike! Shhh!" she cut him off and nudged him to the side of the crowd.

"What? What's wrong?" the little dragon asked.

"You see the way they reacted to Trixie?" the unicorn whispered. "I don't want anyone thinking I'm a show-off." They watched as Trixie struck a pose as more fireworks exploded along with a fanfare.

"...I still like the fireworks from New Super Mario Bros. better," Conscience muttered.

"Me too," James agreed.

Rainbow scowled and flew in the showmare's face. "So, 'Great and Powerful Trixie'. What makes you think you're so awesome, anyway?"

Trixie smiled that annoyingly calm smile. "Why, only the Great and Powerful Trixie has magic strong enough to vanquish the dreaded ursa major!" Fireworks shot out of the horns adorning the stage, and exploded in the sky, creating an image of what look like a giant bear with an eight-pointed star on its head. Nearly all of the ponies in the crowd let out various sounds that clearly showed interest.

"Aw, it's so cute. For a second there, I thought she was talking about a really bad song," Conscience quipped quietly, getting a stifled High Chortle from James.

Trixie continued. "When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington..."

"No," James muttered as the mare was talking.

"...had no one to turn to, but the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in," a comically smaller version of Trixie joined the ursa major, "and with her awesome magic, vanquished the ursa major and sent it back to its cave deep within the Everfree Forest!" As she said this, the ursa flickered on and off before bursting into a colorful dissipating light."

"Damn," Conscience Grief Grimaced. "She killed it and sent in back home? Damn... that's f***ed up."

"S-weeet!" Snips and Snails exclaimed.

"That settles it," the shorter one said.

"Trixie truly is the most talented, the most magical, the most awesome unicorn in Ponyville," the taller one said.

"No, in all of Equestria!" the shorter one corrected him.

"They're starting to piss me off," James muttered, his eyebrows furrowing.

Spike snapped. "How do you know? You didn't see it! And besides, Twi-- mmph m-mmph!" Spike was cut off as Twilight sealed his lips like a zipper.

Trixie let out a 'sophisticated' laugh. "It's true, my enthusiastic little admirers. Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville."

It was dead silent, everyone staring blankly at her. Aside from James and his friends, who were giving resentful glares. That did not, however, include Twilight, who looked more shocked than irked.

"Don't believe the Great and Powerful Trixie?" the blue unicorn chuckled. "Well then, I hereby challenge you, Ponyvillians. Anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Anyone? Hmm? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who has ever lived!?" she stood on her hind legs as another round of fireworks and fanfare went off. Spike unzipped his mouth and began begging Twilight to show Trixie what's what.

Ironically, Conscience broke next. "James, silence this f***er," he spoke quietly.

James looked at him incredulously. "...Now?"

Conscience deadpanned. "No, tomorrow. Yes now, you dumbass!" he hissed.

"No, damn it! I don't want to draw attention in this circumstance," James protested.

They paused in mid-conversation as the mare onstage spoke again. "Hmmm, how about... you?" Trixie pointed a hoof at Twilight, who gulped nervously upon being addressed.

Simultaneously, James and Conscience threw their arms up in outrage with a look that said 'Are you f*cking serious!?'

Author's Note

Stupid character development...

"Watch what you say, she'll kill you in your sleep."

Trixie walked closer. "Well, how about it, hmm? Is there anything you can do that the Great and Powerful Trixie can't?" She had this look in her eye that James couldn't help but High Chortle at.

"I-- I...," Twilight stammered.

"Well, little hayseed?"

Conscience was about to tell her to back the f*ck off when Applejack spoke up. "That's it. I can't stand for no more of this!" she walked onto the stage.

"You show her, AJ!" Spike shouted in encouragement. Whereas Twilight looked more nervous than ever. Or maybe she was relieved that everyone wasn't paying attention to her anymore.

"Can your magical powers do this?" Applejack expertly twirled her lasso with her tail. Around her hooves, above her, behind her, in front of her, back, front. With a slight reel she launched her lasso to a tree behind her, roping one of its apples. Pulling back the lasso, she sent the apple flying back towards her. James Grief Grimaced when it flew right into her mouth. He was genuinely impressed that its momentum didn't get it stuck in her throat. The farm pony didn't even gag; she chewed a couple times (a couple!) before swallowing the whole thing.

"Conscience?" he spoke quietly.

"What?"

"...Did Ajax just eat an apple whole?"

"Yep. She even ate the stem," Conscience frowned in concern.

"Top that, missy!" Applejack crossed her left legs over her right ones.

"Oh ye of little talent. Watch and be amazed at the magic of Trixie!" she grinned as her hat floated off her head to reveal her horn, which glowed light pink. One end of Applejack's discarded rope began to glow the same color before rising into the air. The earth pony's gaze followed the dangling rope, seemingly in a trance. She was too busy staring to notice the other end, which grabbed another apple from the same tree from earlier. Applejack didn't react quick enough when the piece of rope she was staring at suddenly curled tight around her hooves, and flipped her upside down. The other end of the rope came back, only to rudely stuff the apple it was holding in the poor mare's mouth.

James couldn't help but feel a little bothered when the some of the ponies in the crowd laughed. Who's f*cking side were they on? He shook his head in exasperation. Taking the advantage of the noise the ponies made, he summoned a pipe and slipped into it, reappearing in front of Applejack to untie her. She gave a small smile of gratitude before walking off stage. James slunk back to his initial spot in the crowd (with an Invisible Cap) and took it off. He purposely did it in front of Twilight--in hope that no one would complain-- before getting out of her way. His hope was well-placed.

"Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails," Trixie said.

Her smug look didn't even falter when Rainbow suddenly flew in her face. "There's no need to go struttin' around and showin' off like that."

"Oh?"

"That's my job." (James tried-- and failed-- to resist the urge to facepalm.)

And with that, Rainbow flew to a nearby windmill, and sped along the vanes before launching herself into the air at an angle. She purposely sped through a line of clouds. (She stopped to look at the camera... or something) before flying in the opposite direction. Back through the clouds with enough speed for their water to trail after her, back to spin along the windmill, and skidding to a halt on the stage. No sooner did the trailing water catch up and collide with her back side, and resulting in a bright and sparkling rainbow above her. (Conscience successfully caught himself before cracking an innuendo out loud.)

"They don't call me 'Rainbow' and 'Dash' for nothin'." At that, the crowd cheered once again.

"When Trixie is through, the only thing they'll call you is 'loser'," Trixie's horn flared and sent a beam flying at Rainbow's rainbow. Upon landing, it swirled around the pegasus-- who was shrieking in a daze-- and spun her around and around in the air, before settling on the ground and leaving her sprawled on the ground.

"I think I'm... gonna be sick," her eyes rolled around in her head.

The (other) blue mare's horn glowed. "Seems like anypony with a dash of good sense would think twice before tussling with the great Trixie." Rainbow yelped as a thundercloud appeared and zapped her with a lightning bolt.

Conscience's eyebrows furrowed as the crowd laughed. "James, I think I'm gonna snap."

"You're telling me," James's eyes turned red.

"You need to get up there before this ass**** humiliates someone else."

"No," James said flatly. The way he said it left Conscience seething silently.

"What we need is another unicorn to challenge her. Someone with some magic of her own," Spike nudged Twilight.

"Yeah! A unicorn to show this unicorn who's boss," Rainbow agreed.

As well as Applejack. "A real unicorn-to-unicorn tussle."

Twilight did not look convinced at all. "Uh..."

Luckily for her, another unicorn stepped in front of her. "Enough. Enough, all of you. I take your hint, but Rarity is above such nonsense."

"Goodness damn it, Rarity," Conscience muttered while James facepalmed.

"Rainbow Dash and Applejack may behave like ruffians, but Rarity conducts herself with beauty and grace," the white unicorn continued.

"Excuse me?" James looked highly offended as he looked at her out of the corner of his eye (his head still in his hand).

"Ooh, what's the matter? Afraid you'll get a hair out of place in that rat's nest you call a mane?" Trixie taunted.

Rarity took the bait. "Oh. It, is, on," she narrowed her eyes. "You may think you're tough with all of your so-called powers, but there's more to magic than your brutish ways," she paced around the showmare and stuck a pose before her horn glowed. "A unicorn needs to be more than just muscle." The stage curtain levitated towards Rarity. "A unicorn needs to have style." The curtain swirled around her, and--

*flash*

The bright light left as quickly as it came. Rarity was now wearing an elegant blue dress, with gold complimenting most of the edges. Her hair was also styled differently as well. The ponies in the audience 'oohed' in awe. "A unicorn is not a unicorn without grace and beauty."

"...Please kill me," James shook his head... which was still in his hand.

"Well, she's f***ed," Conscience said bluntly with a shrug of his shoulders. Trixie smirked as her horn flared.

Spike had a great sense of faith in his crush. "Rarity won't let Trixie get the best of her! She's strong, she's beautiful, she's--"

*flash*

Spike's eyes widened as all of the ponies in the crowd gasped in horror.

"Called it," Conscience deadpanned. James finally removed his face from his hand to see what the fuss was. He immediately raised an eyebrow and scowled.

"Quick! I need a mirror! Get me a mirror! What did she do to my hair? I know she did something terrible to my hair!" Rarity shrieked.

"Nothing," Twilight smiled nervously.

"It's fine," Rainbow lied.

"It's gorgeous," Applejack blurted out.

"Element of Honesty, everyone," Conscience murmured flatly, resulting in a stifled High Chortle from James.

"It's green," Spike said bluntly, in which Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow glared at him. "What?"

Rarity's eyes watered as she look up. "Green hair. Not green hair," she cried while galloping away. "Such an awful, awful color!"

Conscience saw a mare on the side of the crowd say something before walking the other way indignantly. He turned around with his hand on his chin, as he did a quick glance over the crowd. At least three different ponies had green manes. Granted they were different shades, but still green nonetheless. Rarity wasn't being very nice.

"Well Twilight, guess it's up to you," Spike gestured to Trixie. "Come on, show her what you're made of."

"What do you mean? I-I'm nothing special," Twilight looked around nervously.

"Yes, you are! You're better than her!" Spike protested.

"I'm not better than anyone," Twilight didn't move.

Trixie intervened. "Hah! You think you're better than the Great and Powerful Trixie?"

"HEY!"

Everyone turned to face the source of the voice: Conscience. "I got a volunteer! He's right here," he pointed at James, who furrowed his eyebrows.

"No, damn it! What the f*** are you doing!?" he hissed.

"Well don't just stand there, move!" he said as he grabbed James and threw him in front of the crowd.

James got up and turned around. "Don't do this to me," he deadpanned at Conscience. To his chagrin, Conscience only gave him a thumbs up to cheer him on.

"Well? Trixie is waiting," the blue unicorn said.

James's palm met his face and gripped it in frustration. Slowly, he removed it. "Fine."

He looked around. Not too far from him was a stray tuft of grass. Perfect. He walked the few feet over, and plucked a single strand before walking back in front of the center of the stage, earning a few odd glances from the audience. Sticking the grass blade behind his ear for a second, he pulled out a tuning fork. He turned around to Violently strike the stage floor with it. Turning around, he tossed the fork very high into the air. Immediately after did he pull out a clock and rapidly turn the hour and minute hand simultaneously three full circles clock wise, pulled out a Mushroom and combined it with the clock.

At this point, the crowd was quietly murmuring in confusion. James put the Mushroom down and took the blade of grass from his ear, before pulling out a red-crossed circle, and shoving it against the circle. The outcome was a Mushroom with the red grass blade adhered where a mouth would be. Afterwards, he picked up the Mushroom and combined it with the now-red grass. He held the semifinal result in his hand before raising his other hand to catch the tuning fork by the handle. With the teeth still vibrating, he tapped it against the Mushroom, in which the head of it turned brown.

He put the Mushroom down and pulled out a shovel. A quick (and Violent) stab at the earth and one pull upward later, he had a small hole in the ground. He placed the Mushroom inside the hole, and gathered a fair amount of saliva before spitting inside the hole, causing the ponies in the front of the audience to reel back in disgust. Finally, he covered the hole with the soil he dug up. And then... he stood there.

"Is that all?" Trixie sniffed. "An utter disappointment, but Trixie is not surprised..." she trailed off as the ground started to rumble. After a coupe seconds...

♩ ♩ ♩

The audience gasped in awe as the plant suddenly sprouted at a ridiculously fast rate. It continued to grow for at least five seconds. When it stopped, it had went from a small Mushroom to a large oak tree that stood a few inches taller than the stage. Strange thing was... the tree had no leaves. James paid this observation no mind, and pulled out his black hammer, before jumping off the ground with great force. Not enough to throw anyone off balance, but enough for the ground to shake noticeably. He swung the hammer over his head as he came back to the ground at breakneck speed, and struck the ground. This time the closer ponies tripped, if not almost.

The tree shook a little before a violent underground explosion sent it flying higher than Rainbow Dash flew when she performed. Before it even finished ascending, James pulled out two hand guns and started shooting so fast, you'd think they were machine guns. Parts of the suspended tree began to chip off noticeably at the roots and branches. It was amazing how quickly he managed to shoot at the tree until it was nothing but most of the bark was left, but he kept shooting and shooting and shooting.

Eventually the trunk began to take a noticeable shape. It looked like... a table. At least, that's what it looked like on one side. But then the other side began to take a strange, abstract-looking shape. By the time James stopped shooting, the tree was too high in the air for the shape to be distinguishable. The audience would find out soon enough, because the tree began to descend. He pulled out a musical note and a coin block before shoving them together, resulting in a Music Block. He then pulled out a key and shoved that against the Block, creating a Music Key.

With the combination finished, he bounced the Music Key off the ground. With a resounding ♩♩♩♩♩♩♩♩, the Block shot into the air, colliding directly with the shaped trunk, resulting in a dim flash, as well as a distant ♩♩♩♩♩♩♩♩♩.

James shot in specific areas of the trunk, so its trajectory was changed so that when it came all the way down, it would land on the stage. James Flashed onto the stage and summoned his cape. Just as the trunk got close James shot up and pushed against it to slow its descent. Upon touching the stage floor again, and putting down the sculpted tree, the audience 'oohed.' The tree was no longer just a tree... but a very elaborate grand piano.

James walked around to the front of the piano and ran his hand down the piano, once down the white keys, then again across the black keys. His voice was so low when he spoke that the ponies at the back of the audience could barely make out what he was saying. "I'm gonna need a volunteer."

Conscience, who had a smug look on his face, barely had time to react when James pulled out the lasso that he held onto for Applejack when they'd stop the herd of cows from stampeding through the town. With a Violent yank, James swung Conscience around in an arc, right into the piano, back-first.

THUNK!

Conscience painfully fell on his stomach as the lasso had released him. He slowly got up, his eyes shut as he winced. When he opened them, James was rushing right at him.
Just as James finished musically pummeling Conscience, a terrible migraine hit him full force.

"Mamamia," he muttered weakly while he put his hand his forehead. Maybe it was a good thing the crowd was gawking silently at him. He was never a fan of loud noises anyway, aside from favored music. Sure, he wouldn't usually mind a cheering audience-- as long as no one literally to-the-top-of-their-lungs screamed-- but right now, that didn't seem like such a good idea.

Conscience shot up, faced the audience, and Cheerfully threw his hands up in the air. "Ta-daaa!" James would've Facewhipped if his head didn't hurt so much. The crowd, thinking that the whole ordeal was part the act, erupted into a loud applause. Well, f*ck. So much for much-needed silence.

As he dreaded, James's migraine got noticeably worse, thankfully only a little. He Grief Grimaced at how quickly it did though. He wasn't sure if he should be glad or not that his hat hid his pained expression, they were just applauding and completely oblivious to his suffering. The pain subdued slightly; enough for him to return his expression back to normal, but still too goodness damn painful to let him focus.

Once he was sure he looked fine on the outside, he stood up straight and looked at the cause of his worsened migraine. Huh. They seemed to really enjoy this more than he'd expect. Including Spike and the girls... besides Twilight, who still looked apprehensive... and she's running away. Perfect, just perfect. Apparently there were a lot of sadists in Ponyville. But... wouldn't he be a sadist? Not really, he only beat someone up to a song if he was fighting, or if they did something really provoking.

His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed a shadow in his lower peripheral vision surrounding him. He looked up just in time for--

CRASH!

...the piano to fall right on top of him. (Amazingly enough, the piano remained completely intact.) He didn't think he would have to deal any more pain than he suddenly had to deal with. The f*cking sh*t doubled. This was officially the most terrible migraine he'd ever gotten.

"Not bad, but your skill is nowhere near the level of the Great and Powerful Trixie," Trixie waved a hoof dismissively.

"Huh," Conscience murmured. 'Not bad'? That actually sounded weird coming from this mare. But he'd take it as a compliment. Well, for James, anyway. "D'ah, you keep telling yourself that," Conscience smirked. Pulling an X-eyed James from underneath the piano and throwing him off to the side of the stage (accumulating more pain to add to his migraine), he pushed the musical instrument off the front of the stage. "I'll be here all week!" he quipped loudly.

Trixie smirked as Conscience pushed the piano through the crowd. "Such antics amuses Trixie. Surely somepony out there thinks they can surpass Trixie, don't they?" Dead silence was the response. "Hah! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie has proven herself to be the most amazing unicorn in all of Equestria," she turned to the stage and walked away. "Was there ever any doubt?"

Spike crossed and scowled as the crowd dispersed. He perked up slightly as he realized something. "Twilight?" he looked around. "Twilight, were'd you go?" he called out. He turned around to check if she was in the library, when he heard a familiar voice groaning. Turning back around, he saw James stumbling along the side of the stage, holding his head.

"Huh?" Spike ran over to him. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked. James grit his teeth and hissed.

...Then he paused. And then he slowly stood up to his full height. His migraine was gone. Completely gone.

...What the f*ck?

"Yeah," he said distantly with a blink. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Spike raised an eyebrow in confusion. After a moment he shrugged dismissively. "Anyway, did you see where Twilight went? She just sort of disappeared."

James scratched the back of his head as he headed towards the library, Spike following. "Uh, yeah. I think she ran off to the library after I finished my performance."

"Oh. By the way, that was amazing," the dragon threw his arms up for emphasis on the last word. "Where'd you learn to do something like that?"

"Well actually, my hat is the source of the music. It sort of has this connection with your mind that plays music out loud when you will it to. A while after I got good with alchemy about a decade ago, I decided to make my hat 'musical'," James air quoted. "The trick is, you wanna beat someone up, but they're either not physically fit enough to make it through the whole song without falling over, recovering, or doing something else to ruin the song.

"That's what my gloves are for. I mean, besides the fact that I like to wear them all the time and they go with my outfit, they have this sort of built in feature. Remember when I shocked Gilda at that gathering?"

"Um, yeah. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Don't you remember RD asking me where my buzzer was?"

"I don't think you ever told any of us where it was..."

"That's because I didn't."

"Huh?" Spike's eyes widened slightly.

"Yeah, I shocked her with my own electricity. Me, Arthur and Red X can do it. We use it all the time when we fight."

"That sounds kinda dangerous."

"It is dangerous."

"So doesn't that mean you hurt Gilda? On purpose?"

"Eeyup!" James smirked shamelessly.

"...Not cool, James."

"Which is why I only do that sort of thing when it's personally justifiable." James cleared his throat. "But we're getting off topic. If I concentrate my electricity right, it tampers with my hat's mental connection. So when I'm fighting someone in song, I can paralyze my opponent. When I figured this out, I decided to give that property to my shoes. As well as my hammer, and one of my gun's bullets. That way, my opponent can't move during the song."

"Wouldn't the guns ruin the song? They're so loud. And besides, not everyone can take a gunshot. That could kill someone!" Spike shuddered as he finished the statement.

"That's a good question," James pointed. "Now while I have a seemingly endless selection of guns to choose from, I have one particular gun that I use for songs. With the proper alchemical application, I can remove sound from anything I choose. With that said, I muted this particular gun.

"And this gun is not a regular gun, it's a BB gun. It's a rather powerful one. So while it does little enough damage to not kill someone, it's not exactly a toy for kids."

Spike nodded. "Wow. You really are something..."

James chuckled. "Heh. I'll take that as a compliment." His mood darkened slightly when he saw Conscience walking in their direction. When he was within earshot, he spoke up. "I oughtta do an encore on you for the sh** you pulled back there."

"Huh?" Conscience looked up. "Oh. Yeah, whatever. I just got a sudden migraine," he shook his head slowly as to not make it any worse.

James furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Really? So did I."

"Wait, seriously?" Conscience looked up.

"Yeah. And you were too busy pissing me off to notice. It went away a couple minutes ago, though. So consider this karma."

"Shut up," Conscience deadpanned.

"Why?" James demanded. "You wouldn't earlier when I wanted you to."

"It's not all about you, though."

"So? In a way, you are me!"

"Yeah, but I have something you don't. Two things, actually," Conscience pointed at his crotch.

POW!

Right in the head. "Sorry about that, Spike," James blew away the smoke that was now rising from his shotgun. "I didn't mean to ignore you or anything...," he trailed off as he looked down to see Spike scowling at something behind them. "You okay?" He turned around... and deadpanned immediately. "Oh. These guys."

The stage which stood all of his reason of anger and literal pain today, had transformed back into a small cart. That wasn't what got his attention, though. The blue unicorn who almost completely ruined his entire day was standing in front of a mirror. Sure she caught his eye, but there was one more thing irritating about this picture. More accurately, two things. Most specifically, two familiar unicorn colts.

A smirk almost worked its way onto James's face as the shorter green colt shoved his rump in Trixie's face, holding a plastic-cupped beverage upon it. The mare levitated the drink to her face to sip from the straw, but paused and said something to the colts with an annoyed glare.

"So Spike. You know their names. Which one is Snips, and which one is Snails?"

"Snips is the short green one, Snails is the taller orange one," Spike answered, his gaze still focused on the scene in the distance.

"Alright, got it." It was starting to bother James at how the colts were practically fawning over this mare like she was a miracle worker or some sh*t. Did they kiss Princess Celestia's ass like that? "Do they get like that around anyone who seems remotely powerful? Like the princesses?" he decided to ask.

"Not that I know of. But I'm pretty sure they don't."

"Yeah, I thought so," James's eyebrows furrowed. Trixie said something in a seemingly haughty attitude to the colts, who just continued to bow as they backpedaled away, their gaze completely fixed on the unicorn. They weren't aware of anything behind them, until Spike spoke up.

"What are you two doin'?" Spike crossed his arms with a scowl.

The two colts finally stood up straight and turned around. Snips was the one to reply. "Just bringin' the G an' PT a--"

"What does that mean?" James glared.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie."

Spike rolled his eyes while James Facewhipped. It felt so good to be able to do that again... although he was exasperated, so he couldn't enjoy it all the way.

"Just bringin' her a smoothie," Snips finished.

"Might I ask why?" James adjusted his hat.

"Because she asked us to," Snails spoke.

"And you listened to her because...," James trailed off.

"Because she's the Great and Powerful Trixie," Snips answered like the answer was obvious.

James's glare hardened. "That doesn't mean--"

"Oh, come on!" Spike's arms shot out to his side. "How can you fall for her lameness? She's just a show-off. Unlike Twilight, who—"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie vanquished an ursa major," Snips got in Spike's face. "Can your Twilight--"

"Look," James cut him off and narrowed his eyes. "His point is that you guys are gullible. Very, very, gullible. We can vouch for Twilight because we were there to see her in action. Shoot, she did all of it this morning. In fact, I think Conscience was probably recording the whole thing." He turned around, but deadpanned when he remembered that he shot him. He turned to face the colts again and cleared his throat. "Can you say the same for 'your' Trixie?"

Snips stammered, "Well, e-eh, uh, no, but--"

"But nothing. The proof is in the pudding," Spike said before the colt could say anything else.

Snails chuckled distantly with a goofy smile. "I like pudding." James held his fierce gaze, but a few laughing snorts escaped his nose.

"Look, unless an ursa major comes waltzing up the street for Trixie to vanquish, I am not gonna believe a word she says, and neither should you," Spike said in finality.

"Hmm, an ursa walkin' up the street, hey?" Snips said with a pondering smile. He turned to his friend. Snails. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Why is it they call it a flea market when they don't really sell fleas?" Snails asked, in which James's gaze immediately shifted from irritation to bemusement.

"Yeah!" ...Snips paused as he realized what Snails said. "U-u-- come on," he grumbled while walking away, Snails following.

As soon as he was sure they were out of earshot, James broke into a High Chortling fit. "I mean... what the f***," he managed to get out in between chuckles. After a few seconds he calmed down and sighed.

"I think you guys handled that pretty well," Conscience leaned on Spike's head, propping himself up with his arm. Although Spike seemed too lost in thought too notice.

"When the hell did you wake up?" James deadpanned.

"About fifteen seconds ago," Conscience answered Cheerfully.

"It was a rhetorical question," James facepalmed.

Spike still had that look on his face while he was standing around in the library. Twilight was focused on the book on the podium in front of her, while James was standing next to her and was skimming through it (only because she read so damn quickly), while Conscience was just Cheerfully sitting on the second highest step of the ladder, enjoying the view compared to from the floor.

Eventually Spike broke the silence. "Twilight, would you put down that book and just listen to me?"

Twilight turned her head. "Didn't you see how they hated Trixie's bragging, Spike? If I go out there and show off my magic, I run the risk of losing them as friends."

"It's not the same thing, Twilight. You'll be using your magic to stand up for your friends!"

"No, Spike, it's exactly the same."

"No, it is not!" James spoke up, tired of the situation. "Spike's right. There's a very big difference. Do we hate RD for acting like she's on top of the world all the damn time?"

"Well, no."

"Exactly! Obviously it can get on everyone's nerves, especially mine, but that's who she is, and she's still our friend. If you think that's the same thing, it isn't. The difference between her and Trixie, is that RD doesn't go around rubbing her talent in other's faces. Plus, she can actually do the sh** she says she can do."

"I'd be surprised if anyone in the audience bought any of the bullsh** Trixie was spouting!" Conscience spoke up from his spot on the ladder.

"In a sense of how you carry yourself, you're better than all of them, in my opinion. Because you can do great things you should be proud to be able to do, not ashamed. If you stand up for your friends, and not gloat about it, then your friends will stick with you. If you were to show the town what you're made of and they shun you, which I'm pretty sure they won't... then why are they still friends to you?"

Conscience pretended to wipe a tear away and sniffed. "Wow. That was beautiful." He dropped the act. "Seriously though, Twilight, when you put it that way, I just feel like you're being selfish. I mean, we're your friends, right?"

"Of course you are!" Twilight answered defensively.

"So doesn't our opinion matter? Think for a second. James, Spike and I aren't the only ones who wanted to put that f***er in her place, the other girls who were there did too. Rainbow, Applejack... Rarity will want what's coming to her now..."

"Thanks for bringing that up," James put up his index. "Think back to when Ajax and I stopped that stampede. You know Ajax. She's truthful as can be. She has her heart in the right place most of the time. She may be stubborn, but she sure as f*** isn't boastful...," he paused. "What those three did today didn't exactly count, they were all in the wrong. Not because they wanted to humble Trixie, but because they were acting like she was." He shook his head. That wasn't helping his point. "Anyway, Ajax is a generally good pony. And they didn't resent me or her for stopping that stampede. Wanna know why? Because we were humble about it... or at least we didn't get a big head over it, and we made sure that everyone else knew it too.

"You don't have to hide like this. Do what Applejack did. Do the town a favor and shut Trixie up, and they'll be grateful for it."

"I don't want to be seen as a bragger like Trixie," Twilight magically conjured up a door in front of James and slammed it before turning away. She flinched when James busted though it with his hammer.

"You won't be seen as a bragger if you don't brag about it in the first place!" he protested in frustration.

"James, I said no!"

"If that's the way you wanna be, then fine," Spike glared before walking around the splintered door, and out of the actual library door. Twilight's face fell when the door closed.

James furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head. "...Why the f*** do you do this to us?" His eyes were about to turn red when she didn't answer him, when someone knocked on the door.

"Delivery!" The voice that came from behind it was a high, feminine pitch.

James sighed. "I'll get it."

KLPOW!

He turned the knob and pulled, revealing a grey pegasus mare with a blonde mane and tail, who was hovering right above the ground. She was wearing a blue hat with a badge embroidered on the front, which read 'E.P.S.' She was wearing faded brown saddlebags over her back. What he couldn't help but notice was that her golden yellow eyes were... crossed.

"Delivery for...," she trailed off to look down at the clipboard in her hoof. "James III."

"A delivery for me? Really." He gave a conceded smile (to the camera). "Okay then."

"Here you go!" she reached into one of her saddlebags and pulled out a black envelope. Wow, how'd they know he liked that color so much?

James gave her a confused look. "This isn't even stamped. How'd you even find out this is supposed to be for me?"

"The Equestrian Postal Service always finds out," the mare answered. James stared blankly at the ominous tone in her voice when she spoke. She still had that welcoming smile on her face though.

"...Well, you're the professional!" he smiled Cheerfully.

"I liked your performance, by the way. It was very interesting," her tone was back to what was apparently normal.

"Oh, you saw that?" he Signature Blushed. "Well, thanks, it's something I like to do."

She nodded. "Well, I won't keep you, there's still mail to deliver."

"Alright, take care," waved as she flew away... and right into a tree trunk... and continued on her way. "I like her, she seems nice." He looked down at the envelope and neatly ripped off the top. Inside was... a pamplet? "Conscience, get over here."

"What?" Conscience jumped down from the ladder and Flashed over to James, who showed him the book that he just got. "What the f***?" he hissed as he raised an eyebrow. The title read, 'Ragtimer's Journey: All You Need to Know'.

"I think we might finally be able to get some answers about what happened earlier," James whispered back.

"We should get started, then."

"Not here," James glared at the lavender unicorn. "Let's go somewhere outside."

Twilight's expression fell even further when he and Conscience left.

James and Conscience found a bench in the park to sit at. Luckily for them, it wasn't even crowded there.

...Actually, there was no one there besides them. What the f*ck? Where was everyone?

"Okay, so who's the author anyway?" Conscience asked when they sat down.

"Not too sure it it's all that relevant to our cause, but whatever," James looked at the bottom of the cover. "Originally written by Ben Harney. Edited by William Wallace Harney. 'William', huh? You think that was his father?"

"Maybe," Conscience shrugged his shoulders. "But still... Ben Harney, the first guy to ever officially make a ragtime song? Figures," Conscience put his hand to his chin. Scott Joplin was considered the King of Ragtime, but Harney was often considered the Father of Ragtime after it became popular.

"That would at least explain why he knows so much. He practically invented it," James pondered. "Well, let's not waste any time." They turned to the first page. It was the introduction, naturally. It really only told what the book was and what they'd get out of it.

After that was the beginning of the actual reading. James read to himself, but loud enough for Conscience to hear.

"If you are reading this, then you have completed your journey of jazz albums.

What does this mean? It most certainly does not mean that you have listened to all jazz songs ever known. Not even close. What it does mean is that you have listened to a particular large case of albums. You have listened to every song on there, thus you complete your first journey.

If you are to accept the responsibility of the new journey presented to you, you will be given a whole new experience with jazz music. This music will follow you everywhere."

Conscience blinked. "...I don't quite get it." James shook his head in empathy.

"In this way, you may explore new songs that you have never heard of before. That doesn't mean you won't hear songs you have heard of, though."

That's all it said on that page. The word font was rather large, after all. James turned the page.

"This is a very special opportunity that you have been gifted with. Although, there is a slight catch. Of course the procedure isn't easy. Very painful migraines ensue. They come randomly, and there is no telling when it might end. If it does, the pain will immediately go away."

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere," Conscience nodded. James continued.

"This jazz music and timeliness of events correlate with each other in a very special way. These songs do not come upon you without warning. In fact, it is guaranteed that they will always give some form of notification in advance. The music does have souls, after all."

James thought back on Joplin's words. 'But to you, music is everywhere. They have souls and minds of their own and can affect you in many ways. The songs have a way with time, that only you can see.'

"This... is starting to answer certain questions, but leaving even more at the same time," Conscience deadpanned.

"I know, right," James mirrored his expression. He returned his focus to the pamphlet. Subconsciously he acknowledged the fact that the sun had already started setting.

"The play of events in time determine the sensation you get when notified-- and only when you are notified."

"What in the f***?" Conscience raised an eyebrow. James turned the page.

"If you do not feel anything when you are notified, it means the songs does not indicate any incoming occurrences. However, if you do feel a sensation, that means that something... interesting will happen.

Of course, you are initially the only one to be gifted with hearing the music. However, it is possible to let others of your choice hear the music too. (See final page)"

It was rather stupid that it didn't say next page instead of 'final' page. Because the next page was the last one.

"Let's hope this isn't super complicated, or I will be genuinely pissed," Conscience huffed.

"Me too. Because if we end up telling anyone about this, then I want to be able to have proof without any problems," James agreed. "You read the last page, damn it."

"Fine," Conscience grumbled as he looked at the page. Unlike the rest of the pages, excluding the introduction page, the word font was much more similar to the small font you usually see in a reading selection.

Spreading Your Gift to Others

"There are two ways in which you can allow others of your choice to hear the music that you hear. But there are strict conditions. The process can only work properly after you have been notified of whatever song presents itself. That being said, the effects of this procedure is not permanent, and must be done every time a new song is presented if so desired.

No. 1: Eyes

This process is as simple as it sounds: If you maintain direct eye contact with your associate for at least five solid seconds, the process has been successfully executed. There you have it!

No. 2: Contact

Hand contact upon the associate's shoulder's and above should do the trick. The head is a highly recommended choice spot for this procedure. Simply use your hand and, in rapid succession, tap the associate eight times. Be aware that this must be done with only one hand (either is fine). Doing so with both hands will only accomplish the same result as with one hand. Either way, the process will have been successfully executed.

Notes:
*While procedure no. 2 can be done with up to two people, procedure no. 1 can only be done with one.
*Extension of these procedures will be pointless and will not give different results from following the procedure as instructed.
*Whether or not these procedures are executed intentionally, the effects will occur nonetheless."

"Huh," James grunted. "Is there more?"

"Well, let's see... there's the cautions on the back..."

"Let me see," James took the pamphlet to read.

"CAUTION:

If songs do not foreshadow any event, they tend to avoid actual sources of music playing. If it does, however, then whatever nearby music source will stop playing and play the incoming jazz song. This will only be noticed by you or those affected by you.

WARNING: If you do both processes upon the same associate, the effects will last an entire 365 days. If both processes are executed simultaneously, the effects will not only remain permanent, but it will also share all other side effects. This includes migraines and notifications."

"...Oh, sh**...," James and Conscience exchanged a glance.

"Hey!" another voice called out. Lifting their gazes upward, they spotted the mail mare from earlier flying in their direction. Upon seeing her, they waved Cheerfully. And then she practically bomb crashed into the ground in front of them. Conscience jumped nearly a foot in the air and his smile went crooked, while James put a hand over his mouth in shock. His expression relaxed-- but only a little-- when she got up.

"Um, are you okay?" James asked in a highly concerned tone.

"Fine and dandy!" the pegasus chirped. James allowed his face to relax completely.

"So, did you need something?" Conscience asked.

The mail mare's expression lit up as she remembered the reason she came looking for them in the first place... but it slowly turned into a sheepish smile. "Actually, I was looking for you. I guess I missed this letter when I went out to deliver my rounds," she pulled a black envelope from her one of her saddlebags and hoofed it to James.

"Thanks," he said as he looked the envelope over. Once again, it lacked everything that was necessary to mail something to another location properly. But he knew better than to question it.

"Sorry for the inconvenience," she apologized with a nervous laugh.

"Oh it's fine, there's no inconvenience," James shook his head.

"Yeah, no harm done," Conscience smiled Cheerfully.

The grey pegasus let out a quiet sigh of relief. "Okay, that's good."

"Yep!" James nodded.

"Well, that's all. I'll be going now," she turned to leave.

"So what was your name again?" Conscience asked suddenly.

The mare turned around. "Oh. Uh, Derpy. Derpy Hooves."

"Derpy," James parroted. "Well, yeah, thanks again. Take care, alright?" Derpy nodded with a small smile, before turning around and flying away.

When she was out of earshot, Conscience nudged James. "How many times are you gonna see her off with that line? 'Take care'? Sheesh, you already wore it out."

James ignored his comment and said, "I don't know about you, but I think something to eat sounds good." He turned to the bench to pick up the pamphlet, before walking towards the library. "After that, we'll see if Twilight changed her mind or not." His voice turned low and dark. "Doesn't seem likely though."

Author's Note

If you wanna skip to the sequel, which I’m positive is not as terrible as this story, I will not blame you at all.

"You tripped on nothing. I didn't do anything."

When they got back, the sun had already set, the moon halfway up in the sky. Twilight was still reading when she heard the door open. She turned her head to see who it was. When they continued on without saying anything, she reluctantly averted her gaze back to the book in front of her. James headed for the kitchen, but Conscience stayed in the living room.

James went around the kitchen to find the fixings for a sandwich. Some bread... bread and... f*ck it, he'd just stick with some bread. He pulled out a slice for him and his conscience, and pulled out a napkin before placing the bread on it. He then went to the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of much-needed milk. Taking a glass and filling it almost to the top, he put everything back in its proper place before taking the bread and milk.

When he reentered the living room, he saw Conscience sitting at the near-top of the ladder like he was earlier. Upon seeing James, he waved him over. James walked over, and Conscience jumped down from his spot. James handed him a slice of bread. As an afterthought, he handed over the second slice. Conscience took a bite out of the bread.

After swallowing, he spoke up. "You seen Spike?" he asked barely above a whisper.

James took a sip of milk, before answering. "No. Not since earlier...," he looked at Twilight out of the corner of his eye. His eyes were starting to turn red as he played over the bad part of the day's events.

"You don't think he's still...?" Conscience trailed off. They silently exchanged a glance. "He's probably upstairs, right?"

"Most likely," James said before tossing back the glass and downing the booze all at once. He went to the kitchen and put the glass in the sink. Going back into the living room, he pulled out the envelope. "We should've read this earlier. I don't know why we didn't..."

"You wanted to get something to eat," Conscience deadpanned. "And all you got was a slice of bread and some milk."

James flushed red with a sheepish frown. "I can wait." He opened up the letter and read out loud (...well, loud enough for only Conscience to hear).

"I tell you, I've had a very long day. And I'm cranky. As a Grizzly Bear. Just saying..."

"...What the f*** does that mean?" Conscience hissed in utter confusion? James shrugged helplessly, but his eyes widened slightly when an involuntary shudder hit him.

"Conscience...? I just got that chill."

"Wait. You mean the one that means something bad is gonna happen?" James nodded slowly. "Then that means this must be the notification, then. But...," he trailed off as he gestured at the brief note. "Why don't we ask Twilight?" he Signature Shrugged. James only deadpanned at him.

James's flat look disappeared when he heard music playing. He knew he had heard this song before

"Conscience, are you hearing that?"

Conscience had a similar look of mild confusion on his face as he nodded. They looked at Twilight, who was still reading as if nothing was going on, and back at each other.

James's eyes lit up. He looked at the letter again. "'And I'm cranky. Like a Grizzly Bear'..."

They exchanged another glance at that. After a moment, Conscience gasped in realization.

"The Grizzly Bear Rag!" they exclaimed in unison.

"Huh?" Twilight blinked and looked at the guys behind her. "What was that?" But they didn't hear her as they raced outside. After a moment, she rolled her eyes and resumed reading.

The second they closed the door, they stopped and deadpanned at each other.

"Conscience?" James asked flatly.

"Yeah?" Conscience's voice was similar to his.

"...Why did we go outside?"

Conscience just shook his head in response. "The music is louder out here than from inside, though."

James paused to listen to the music better. "...Yeah, you're right. It actually sounds like it's coming from... that way," he pointed to the left... which was when two all too familiar colts decided to frantically gallop by.

"I think it's rather late for children to be exercising outdoors," Conscience quipped.

James wasn't so focused on the fact that Snips and Snails were running seemingly for their lives, as the fact that they were running towards where the music was coming from. "...After them."

KLPOW!

Snips and Snail ran up to a familiar cart with a moon crescent on the front, and frantically beat at the door while calling out the owner's name. A good three seconds later, a disgruntled unicorn mare's head popped out of the window.

"Trixie thought she said the Great and Powerful Trixie did not want to be disturbed!" Trixie glared at the colts.

Snips laughed nervously. "We-- we have a-- a tiny problem."

"Actually, it's a big one," Snails clarified. Trixie was going to chew the two out when--

KLPOW!

"Guys, what are you two doing out here so late at...," James trailed off as he realized something. He looked at his conscience. "It's coming from here..."

"What? What's coming from here?" Trixie looked at James and Conscience with a mix of bemusement and exasperation.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Conscience asked.

"I don't think there's anything we can do," James shook his head. "Harney said they have a way with time, so this must be inevitable. All we can do is try to prevent it from hurting anyone..."

"What are you blabbering about?" the showmare interrupted.

"So if we wait this out, we have to deal with the terrible aftermath, but if we do take her out of the picture, something messed up still happens?" Conscience questioned incredulously. "...Talk about uncompromising paradoxes," he deadpanned.

James was about to agree when they heard a low guttural roar. Trixie looked behind them to see a what looked like a giant blue bear with a white eight-pointed star on the middle of its head breaking down trees in its way as it stepped out of the forest. Upon seeing them, he let out another roar.

"AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAA!" Trixie screamed in terror and fled the cart. The two colts turned around and followed suit when they saw the mountainous creature approaching. James and Conscience merely Flashed a good ten yards away, just in time for the cart to get crushed to splinters upon being stepped on... at the exact same time the song ended with it's final note.

As the creature roared, Conscience realized something and spoke up. "So, the music wasn't coming from Trixie, it was coming from the cart."

James furrowed his eyebrows. "Wait, that's what the song was playing at? For the cart to get trampled by a giant starry, transparent bear? ...That's not a bad thing!"

"But maybe that is?" Conscience pointed at the beast who was growling at them. "Eh, beats me. I think he's kind of cute."

James nodded. "Yeah he is, isn't he."

"...We should probably run."

"Yeah, let's humor him some," James agreed before they ran after Trixie, Snips and Snails. They purposely didn't Flash though.

It didn't take too long to catch up with them, since they had stopped. Probably because...

"Did you really think it would make sense to corner yourselves in between buildings?" Conscience deadpanned as he and James ran up to them before turning their back on her.

"Um... no," Trixie shook her head slightly. Her gaze was fixed on the massive thing that walked up to them.

Conscience lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Why did he stop?" he asked James, who just shrugged.

"Great and Powerful Trixie, you've got to vanquish the ursa," Snips spoke.

"Yeah, vanquish so we can watch," Snails agreed.

"Ohhh, so that's what an ursa looks like...," James and Conscience said in unison.

"It took a lot of trouble to get that thing here," Snips continued, unaware of the way James almost broke his own neck snapping his attention to the colt.

Trixie looked back at the colts. "Wait, you brought this here? Are you out of your little pony minds?" Trixie asked incredulously, in which James Facewhipped.

"But, you're the Great and Powerful Trixie," Snips rebutted.

"Yeah, remember? You defeated an ursa major," Snails added.

James almost snapped, but thought against it. He decided to play along. It would be twice as satisfying to watch the 'Great and Powerful' Trixie fail so miserably, and then he wouldn't even have to say anything, because the damage would've already been done. When someone reached a certain age, he could only take so much of their naive bullsh*t.

Then he could chew her out for being an ass**le to his friends. Yep, sounded like a plan.

"He does have a point, you know," James smiled and crossed his arms. He elbowed Conscience before he could question him and gave him a pointed look. He immediately caught on.

"Definitely. Guess it was a good thing we went outside after all," Conscience nodded with a devious grin (while inconspicuously pulling out his camera). Apparently, the ursa was polite enough to let them finish before letting out another roar. Luckily, Conscience had ducked in time behind James, who used his cape to shield himself from all the saliva that flew out of the ursa's mouth. Afterwards, he held the camera out of everyone's sight and fixed it on Trixie and the ursa. He was such an ass**le...

"Uh, okay," Trixie gulped. "Stand back." Her horn flared, levitating a rope that was conveniently located inside a vase that happened to be nearby. She moved the rope to the ursa, wrapping it around it a few times before tying it together.

The mare let out the breath she was holding and smiled nervously at the colts behind her. "Piece of cake."

The ursa had a flat look on his face as he held up his paw, in which two fingers were tied. He moved them apart, effortlessly snapping the rope. ...And then he smirked.

"Ohoh snap, is he being smug?" James stifled a High Chortle.

"Wow. Just... wow," Conscience shook his head in disbelieving mirth.

"Aw, come on, Trixie," Snips complained.

"Stop goofin' around and vanquish it, eh?" Snails said.

"Now now," James put put up his index. "She's the one with experience, let her toy with it first if she wants. Then she can finish him off." He turned to Trixie. "Right?" his tone of voice and red eyes betrayed the smile on his face.

Trixie gulped again, looking even more nervous. She grit her teeth as her horn glowed once more. Behind the ursa, a thundercloud conjured up.

...It was barely larger than its head.

"Well, that was a dud," Snails said flatly.

"Yeah, pfft, come on!" Snips scoffed. "Where's all the cool explosions and smoke and stuff like earlier? you know." The ursa jumped in surprise when thundercloud zapped him from behind, leaving a scorch mark. It opened it's mouth.

"Uh-oh," Trixie said meekly before the roar escaped the ursa's mouth, in which she and the colts zoomed past him.

Conscience put down his camera before he and James Flashed over to catch up with the three. Lights from ponies' cottages started turning on.

"Why are they just now waking up? Did everyone decide to take some Zzzquil or some sh**?" Conscience asked James quietly. Sure enough, ponies were trickling outside into the streets to see what the commotion was. They gasped when the ursa roared and bit off part of one of the roofs, and starting galloping away.

James deadpanned. "...Okay, we need to sedate him before I shove something large and solid down his throat."

"Yeah, good idea," Conscience nodded. "You should distract him real quick."

"No, you distract him. I'm gonna set up my piano," James ran off to the side of the road.

"...Ass****," Conscience muttered. "HEY!" he shouted to the ursa, who surprisingly stopped and looked at him. "Do you know how much trouble it had to have taken for that to be built? That's not polite, you get down from there right now!" he chided.

The ursa glared at him and stepped down from the house and walked up to him. Conscience clenched his mouth and eyes shut, and turned his head sideways when it roared in his face.

When the ursa finished, Conscience turned to face it again, scrunched up his face, and let out a roar of his own. "RRRAAAAAAAHHH!!" Immediately after, he ran the opposite direction as he held his stomach and laughed his ass off.

Twilight ran down the street with Spike on her back, through a crowd of panicking ponies. She skidded to a stop in front of Snips and Snails, who were standing still. "What's going on?"

"We brought an ursa to town!" Snips answered.

"You what!?" Twilight's eyes widened.

"Don't worry, the Great and Powerful Trixie will vanquish it," Snails assured as they looked at said unicorn in front of them.

"I can't," Trixie hung her head.

"What!?" the colts exclaimed.

"I can't, I never have. No one can vanquish an ursa major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better," Trixie blurted out.

"Made it up!?"

They heard an approaching voice. Turning around, they saw Conscience scurrying up to the group, while in the middle of a laughing fit. "I roared in his face," he managed to say in between High Chortles. "He got mad at me 'cause I said it wasn't nice to destroy ponies' homes, and tried to size me up." He gasped for air. "And then I roared at him!" After that, he collapsed onto his back and pulled his hat over his face, still cracking up.

All the group could do was stare at him in bemusement, when they heard loud thumping noises getting closer. They withdrew their attention from Conscience to look up. There was the ursa, looming over them. And it roared.

But then its expression went to mildly confused as it heard something.

Twilight and Spike, as well as the other ponies, turned their heads to see where the sound was coming from. James was near the side of the street, on a piano, seemingly enjoying himself. While he was playing, he turned around look at everyone. When he caught Twilight's gaze, he gestured to the ursa with his eyes. A guttural sigh brought everyone's attention back to said ursa, who looked much calmer with the drowsy smile on his face. Better yet, it was swaying from side to side, barely holding on to consciousness.

Spike nudged Twilight and gestured wildly at the ursa. Twilight looked around and gulped. With a determined look, she walked up to the ursa and flared up her horn. Ponyville's water tower lifted off of its stand, opened its lid and tipped itself over, emptying the water out of it. Twilight was grunting from all the effort at this point, her horn glowing much brighter than it usually did.

The water container, as well as its lid, levitated over to a barn, and inside. Everyone could barely hear a collection of 'moos' coming from the cows inside. Eventually, the container emerged from the other barn door, filled with milk. Good thing James was too busy playing the piano, or else he would've had the urge to go and get a whole gallon for himself right then and there.

"That's new," Spike said to himself as the lid replaced itself on the container.

Gradually, the ursa's eyes closed and he finally began to tip to his side... where Trixie was standing, paralyzing her with dread. However, at the last second, it levitated off the ground with a pink aura. Twilight's horn was nearly blinding by now, as she let out a strained grunt while lifting the ursa in the air, right into the trajectory of the makeshift milk bottle. When it got close enough, the ursa subconsciously held it and began to suck on it.

Conscience , who had recovered in time to see all the action, spoke quietly to himself. "So the top of the lid is actually a nipple. Who knew?" he Signature Shrugged.

Spike watched along with all the other gathered ponies as the ursa levitated over the city and out of the town, over the forest, and finally back into its cave. Twilight finally relaxed, her breathing heavy.

Seeing the town was no longer threatened, James stopped playing and walked over to Twilight and put a hand on her shoulder. "See? You saved the town. Who's gonna hate you for that?" As if to prove his point, everyone else who was watching cheered.

"Heavens to Betsy! We knew you had ability, but not that much!" Applejack said.

Twilight wilted. "I'm sorry. Please, please don't hate--"

"Twilight," James interrupted firmly. "It was a compliment. They don't hate you."

"So, you don't mind my magic tricks?" she asked the girls. (James sighed in annoyance.)

"Your magic is a part of who you are, sugarcube, and we like who you are. We're proud to have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend," Applejack spoke.

"And after whuppin' that ursa's hindquarters, we're even prouder," Rainbow added.

"You are?" Twilight smiled. The girls nodded their agreement.

"Wow, Twilight, how'd you know what to do with that ursa major?" Spike asked. James rolled his eyes, grateful that Spike changed the subject.

"That's what I was doing when you came looking for me," Twilight explained. "I was so intrigued by Trixie's bragging that I was compelled to do a little reading up on them."

"I didn't read as much as she did, but I did get a little bit of info. That's how I knew to sedate it with calm music," James spoke up.

"So it is possible to vanquish an ursa major all by yourself?" asked Spike.

"That wasn't an ursa major," Twilight shook her head. "It was a baby, an ursa minor." James's eyes widened.

"That was just a baby?" Trixie asked incredulously.

"And it wasn't rampaging. It was just cranky because someone woke it up," she cast an annoyed glance at Snips and Snails.

"Aww," the colts smiled sheepishly as the crowd of ponies glared at them.

"Well, if that was an ursa minor, then what's an ursa major like?" Spike asked, his eyes wide.

Twilight looked up in thought, before giving her answer. "You don't wanna know."

Conscience decided at this point to drive in the victory. He turned to the blue unicorn. "So, 'Great and Powerful' Trixie, looks like you weren't so 'great and powerful' after all."

"'Was there ever any doubt?'" James glared at her.

"HOW DOES THAT FEEL!?" Conscience Exploded. James's mouth formed a crooked line; he wanted to be the one to do that.

Trixie took this opportunity to gather up the little remaining dignity she had left. "Huh, you may have vanquished an ursa minor, but you will never have the amazing, show-stopping--"

Trixie gasped in surprise when James slapped her across the face. Hard. Not exactly Violent, but still pretty hard nonetheless. "YOU'RE FINISHED, GET OUT!" he shouted while pointing behind her.

Trixie managed to recover pretty quickly. Trying not to look vulnerable, she snorted indignantly, reared back and stomped the ground, triggering a smoke bomb. It didn't take very long for it to dissipate, and when it did, it revealed Trixie galloping away.

"Why that little...," Rainbow took off to fly after her.

"Cool it, RD, I think she's had enough...," James stopped her before turning around to face the two colts trying to sneak away.

KLPOW!

Snips and Snails jumped when they saw James suddenly appear in front of them, next to Twilight. "Now, while I have the urge deep down to thank you two for giving my friend the much-needed push to put that egotist in her place, it doesn't change the fact that this stunt you pulled was very stupid." Seriously, where were their parents when they snuck out? There's no way they went outside without their parents' consent. "What do you have to say for yourselves?" he put one fist on his hip.

Snips laughed nervously. "Uh, we're sorry that we woke up the ursa minor."

"We just wanted to see some awesome magic," Snails said rather excitedly.

"Oh, you did." James's tone went dark. "And all it took was threatening the town with a giant, dangerous creature." His death glare was all the indication needed to know that stalling was not helping.

"We deserve whatever punishment you give us," Snails said as the two colts bowed.

James pursed his lips and nodded awkwardly. "Twilight?" he turned his head to look at her.

"For starters, you can clean up this mess," Twilight looked at Trixie's destroyed cart behind her. Then she smiled at Spike. "And... what do you think, Spike? Should I give them number twenty five?"

Spike smirked. "Oh, twenty five, yes. And I think I deserve it, too."

"Heh?" Snips and Snails looked at them in confusion.

"I think you're right," Twilight mirrored Spike's expression as her horn flared.

*poof* *poof* *poof*

Spike and the colts each had a different type of mustache. "Sweet!" they exclaimed.

"Huh," James nodded. Well, they liked it. He supposed that would be their reward for getting Twilight out of her shell.

[The next day...]

"Dear Princess Celestia,

I have learned a very valuable lesson about friendship. I was so afraid of being thought of as a show-off that I was hiding a part of who I am. My friends helped me realize that it's okay to be proud of your talents, and there are times when it's appropriate to show them off... Especially when you're standing up for your friends."

"I'd actually feel sorry for Trixie's cart getting totaled if she wasn't such an ass****," James muttered as he looked over Twilight's shoulder at the letter she was writing.

"So, you finally admit that you're the most talented unicorn in all of Ponyville?"

Twilight turned around to face Spike, who still had his mustache. "Well, yeah, but it's nothing to brag about."

"So now you don't have to keep bragging about it for her, since everyone knows," James gave Spike a pointed look. "So, might I ask how did Rarity like your new facial hair?"

"Eh, she didn't go for the mustache," Spike's face fell.

"Well, she's missing out," Conscience came out. "Facial hair almost always get the girls. At least in our world. I guess it looks better on us?"

"...I'm not gonna answer that question," James looked (at the camera) out of the corner of his eye.

"You know, Spike, that mustache has nothing to do with who you really are. Maybe you should just try being yourself," Twilight suggested.

Spike looked down in thought, and perked up a moment later. "Or... maybe the mustache wasn't enough. Maybe if I had a mustache and a beard?"

"Spike, if you wooed Rarity just with looks, I would be very disappointed in her," James said. "I mean, just say you happened to lose your facial hair, the very reason she fell for you in the first place. What do you think she'd do?"

"...Um..."

"Exactly. But with yesterday's events, and her reaction, I don't think we have to worry about that. I'm sure she'd have an eye for what's inside of someone. You get me?"

"Well... yeah, I guess," Spike sighed.

James put a hand on his shoulder. "Look, I'm not trying to shoot you down, I'm just saying that if you want to win Rarity's heart, you gotta show her your center. It's what we like about you. And I bet she would too." Spike just nodded. The moment was interrupted as someone knocked on the door. "I'll get it."

KLPOW!

James opened the door to see a familiar grey pegasus. "Oh, hey," he greeted.

"Hi," Derpy pulled out a small, grey envelope with her teeth. "Urreh 'f Uh'm teh'ing uh aneh yuh ti'e, bu', uh... yuh gah don' haf a 'ailbahcs," her speech was impeded by the envelope in her mouth.

James stuck his head out the door and looked around. "...Huh. So we don't. Guess we'll have to see about getting a mailbox, then. But I really don't mind much," he Signature Shrugged before taking the letter.

"Well, I gotta finish my rounds, so I can't stay much longer," she said as she closed the strap on her saddlebags.

"Sure thing. Take care now!" he called as she flew away.

Conscience Flashed over. "You did it again."

"What do you--" James paused as he remembered what Conscience said yesterday. "I did, didn't I?" he facepalmed.

"...That's all there was? Who's it for?" he looked at the letter... but it had nothing on it. "This is another notification."

"I can see that," James deadpanned, "Guess we'll find out what it is later." He was cut off as his stomach grumbled. "Right now, I need to eat something. I haven't had much since yesterday."

He put the letter up, before closing the door and turned around. Almost immediately after, he got hit with a terrible migraine. "Yeah, definitely need something to eat."

[Ending Song]

Author's Note

Me: Get ready everyone-- in the next episode (or... soon, who knows?) , we'll be introducing a new character!
Conscience: Just so you know. Be nice, he's not exactly... um... he's something else. XD
Me: *shoots self in the head*

"My mustache doesn't have to be alive to be flawless."

Author's Note

Alright, let's cut to the chase. Here's my character tag.

James III
(Mr. Original)

"My mustache doesn't have to be alive to be flawless."

Within the hollowed tree-library of Ponyville was the librarian herself, Twilight Sparkle; and her amazing assistant, Spike the Dragon. Twilight was practicing different types of spells, with Spike being her test subject for certain ones... which is f*cked up when you think about it.

Near the wall beside them was James, as well as his conscience, Conscience... heheh. James was playing some classical music on a piano he got from Blue Star (He shrunk it until he brought it there, before enlarging it. Luckily, Twilight had a little room to spare.). He did like other certain types of music, but ragtime was indisputably his number-one choice. Conscience stood next to the swivel stool he was sitting on while they discussed things.

Actually, to say that they were having a discussion would be doing it too much justice. Saying they were making small talk would also be overdoing it. Can't exactly say they were talking about nothing...

...F*ck it, they were just Talking.

"You can't be feeling it that much if you're being tried on," Conscience 'argued' as Twilight successfully cast another spell.

"Well, I wouldn't enjoy a damn thing if my partner f***ed something up. I'd hope-- no, demand-- that it wasn't serious," James 'countered.'

"The look on his face would be priceless, if something did happen."

"But it would be embarrassing, even for me. Eugh," James shuddered as Twilight did another spell.

"Well, caterpillars aren't fluffy. Despite what that mother f***er says," Conscience deadpanned. "They're fuzzy. And either way, who doesn't like caterpillars?"

"Um... a lot of people?"

"They shouldn't, though. Caterpillars are important," Conscience held up his index.

"And so is appearance. But I read too much for that opinion to mean anything," James shook his head.

"...This is why I don't like being asked fifty different questions."

"Does that include tests?"

"Yes, but it doesn't include surveys. Although there is only so many personal questions I'll answer."

"But can you handle the mentality?" James asked with sincere curiosity as he reached the crescendo of the piece he was playing. Another flash from Twilight.

"If that includes splitting a beautiful animal up the middle with a chainsaw... then yes. If they don't even try to resist, then hell yeah."

"You mean, like, a deer... or something?" James's eyebrow rose.

"No. I mean, like... a gazelle, or something." James could only nod in understanding (...and agreement) as Conscience continued. "Because when you think about it, they test the theory of rules we make on losing our appetites on purpose."

"But the formula for that has variables. Technically, we watched too many movies with them in there to not feel that way. But the truth is, they have 'em. So... we think about one, or the other... hopefully."

"But they...," Conscience tried to come up with something to say against that, but couldn't. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Are you sure you can't wait to eat that bagel that's in the kitchen?" James asked with a hint of concern, the song coming near the end.

"Of course, or else the baker will get me in trouble!" Conscience furrowed his eyebrows. "But frankly, I don't give a f***, gingerbread cookies are delicious."

"Don't be like that. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And I'm not talking about water, either."

"That's only if the cookie doesn't commit suicide first. And it wouldn't be with milk, either."

"I would cry myself to sleep at night if that did happen."

"No you wouldn't," Conscience deadpanned. "Besides, your insides would hurt."

"They're always hurting." James paused, but just as quickly resumed playing. "But okay, you're right, maybe I wouldn't. But that sh** is still depressing as f***."

"Well, tea bombs are in this season. We should get some for Arthur... and for us. Hopefully no stick men die in the process."

"They'll make you gray! Even your blood being coughed up would be gray!" Conscience exclaimed, but paused. "...I see what you did there."

"Who says editors and ragtime don't mix?" James asked in an accusing tone, as Twilight cast another spell.

"It sure isn't the executive producers of that cartoon... the one with the talking infants," Conscience raised an eyebrow.

"You're right... the critics have a madly respectable sense of nostalgia."

"Glad you remember that," James smirked as he finished playing. "So I won't have to."

"Fine, but the commercial specials are yours," Conscience gave a pointed look. "And I get to pick the genre!"

"Psh, deal. As if Einstein wasn't already helping Doc Brown too much," James said sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. "I guess it's a good thing time machines don't have to go so fast, it'd kill you anyway..."

Conscience blinked. "...What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's not what I mean," James deadpanned.

Conscience began to clap slowly. "...Heh, good one."

"That's not what I mean either," James furrowed his eyebrows slightly.

"Well, it's obvious that that grouchy squid isn't gonna get any dessert," Conscience deadpanned.

"Which is why television is a very chaotic device," James said in a lecturing voice as he put up his index. "It's your turn to play a song, by the way."

"B-But-But, Paul wasn't knocked over. Let alone Sparks," Conscience stammered, still holding on to the subject (if you could call it that) of their... Talk.

"What's that supposed to mean?" James squinted in confusion.

"It means, you don't, get the unicorn!" Conscience in a mock distraught tone.

"Ooooooooh!" James Facewipped.

As Conscience was sitting down to take James's place, his gaze fell on Spike's face, which was now sporting a black and rather sleek-looking mustache. "Dude! That is sick! Girls will be fawning all over you!" he complimented Cheerfully.

"Haha, ya did it!" Spike congratulated Twilight and turned to the checklist behind him, marking the last box at the bottom. "Growing magic, that's number twenty-five. Twenty-five different types of tricks and counting. And I think this is the best trick so far," he said as he looked into a mirror. "Hel-looo, Rarity. What's that? Aw, it's nothin', just my awesome mustache," he chuckled.

"You got it Spike, seize the day!" Conscience cheered. James, however, was red in the face as he buried his head in his hands while shaking his head.

Twilight rolled her eyes in amusement. "Sorry, Romeo. As attractive and enticing as you look, it's just for practice and it's gotta go," her horn flared.

"Wait!" Spike put his hands up frantically. But-- *poof* ...The mustache was gone already. "Aw, rats," he sagged.

"Aww," Conscience pouted in disappointment. Twilight giggled, while James let out a quiet sigh of relief.