This is my first Fanfic
I know I'm not a very good writer, and I know your expectations are very high but I'm a young, new writer. (14 y old girl.)
So, can you just critique my writing instead of hate on it?
Please? Please note, this pony is NOT ME.
I am Fire Star.
Leader of the Shade army.
To free Equestria from Their cruel Queen. Queen Celestia. The Tyrant.
Let's start from the beginning.
I used to love ponies, I really did. But now, I wish I had never wished to come here. I was once human, a pegasister.
I would write Fanfictions, draw fanart, and interact with other fans. I would look at the ponies in the screen and wish I was with them.
One night, I saw a shooting star, I wished I could be in Equestria when I died, just for the hell of it, maybe stars COULD grant wishes.
Little did I know I was in for a living hell of Equestria.
I was in a car. My mother's (I was 13 at the time, quite young for a brony, I know) white ford car.
Suddenly, as if scripted into a movie, we were struck by another car.
My mom lived, I wasn't so lucky.
I was killed at the first impact.
It seems strange, I know.
I, of all people, was sent to Equestria.
But I was.
I wish I could have gone to heaven, or hell, or I wish I wished to go the world of Warriors Cats.
Equestria isn't a safe-haven. It is a living HELL.
Just remember that for the next time you wish to go to Equestria.
You'll be there for a reason.
And this is mine.
It all started when I was killed, the second I closed my eyes for the last time, I opened them in Equestria. By the edge of the Everfree Forest.
Let's just say, I was OVERJOYED.
My wish HAD come true!
I wish it hadn't.
I trotted over the Fluttershy's cottage to say hello. (She used to be one of my favorite ponies.)
I saw her leading her animals towards the forest. She looked terrified, even more than usual.
"Hello? Are you alright?" I greeted in a quiet friendly tone so I wouldn't scare her.
She jumped and stared at me in shock. I smiled warmly. "It's alright, I'm a friend. I wont hurt you. I just need to know where I am." LIES I knew where I was quite well.
"Yo- You're in ponyville." She said. Louder than I would expect, but strangely, her eyes were locked on my back flicking up to my head. "And your an alicorn." I looked at my back and forehead in shock. I need an excuse! I GOT IT.
"You see, I come from a far away land, Alicorns are common. I'm guessing they aren't here?" I had no idea the term Alicorn was cannon but who cares?
Her gaze grew serious. "You can't stay here. The queen will banish you away so you can't threaten her leadership over Equestria. Go run now!" When I didn't move she grabbed a piece of paper that was lying on the ground. I nearly choked on my breath.
It was a poster, you know, the Tyrestia poster meme.
Like this Poster
Then I booked it into the Everfree forest, miserable.
I was in the world of my dreams, but it was ruined.
NO!
I HAD DIED TO GET HERE.
I AM NOT GIVING UP!
If anypony's gonna stop Tyrestia, Its going to be me!
"Can I help you?" I spun around to see a very confused white pegasus.
No it wasn't Celestia, thank god, it was male, and it didn't have a horn.
He was the same height as me (Not as tall as Celestia, maybe about the size of Princess Luna.) and had a spiky golden mane and tail, but his tail was longer than most stallions and looked like a lightning bolt.
He held out a hoof. "I'm Lightning Strike, wait, you're an ALICORN?!"
THIS IS HOW I DIE
He smiled and his head flashed to reveal a... HOLY SHIT! A HORN!
"Follow, Celestia will find you here. Then you'll be fucked." Hmmm, I find it odd that he is swearing...
"What? You should know what "Fuck" means, I can tell you're human, we're two of a kind here."
Before I could say a word he dashed off, and I followed.
Eventually I caught up to him. "Where are we going?"
"CloudShade, Alicorns are more natural there so you'll fit in well."
Eventually (more like after a few hours) we made it across the Equestrian border all we had to do was use an invisibility spell to get past the many guards. We then took off and flew over many barren landscapes. Just to say, flying isn't as fun as you think, it's just like running, or taking a swim, just no ground and no water. (And you can breathe. Thank god)
Suddenly, the rough sandy terrain changed to canyons and jagged peaks. It wasn't long after the change in terrain were we swallowed by dark, stormy clouds. The clouds were so dark, I almost didn't see Lightning dive down towards the ground. Thankfully, I DID see him and I followed him into a large half- underground half- aboveground civilization.
When Lightning landed. He trotted over to a cave entrance.
"This is the Dracony Queen's palace." He stated.
I looked at him in confusion. "Dracony?"
"Alicorns, most have a very weak magic ability and the horns are mostly used as weapons in combat. Also they have Dragon wings instead of feathered ones."
I nodded and followed Lightning into the cave. The cave was actually pretty nice on the inside. The stone floors were polishes to look natural and pretty at the same time. There were many halls but Lightning only went down the middle one, which led to a large room with a heavily battlescarred dracony pony pony at the end.
"Queen Switchblade?" Lightning asked.
The pony turned around. "Yes Commander Lightning Strike?" She said in a more regal tone than her battle worn appearance suggested.
"I have brought the prophesied Alicorn Of Fire. And like fire shall she blaze."
Thanks for the critique!
I've taken it all to mind for the next chapters!
"WHAT?!" I jumped back in shock.
Switchblade just laughed. "You're kidding me right? She has the Equestrian softness. She couldn't fight for her life."
I need a lie, quick! GOT IT "When I was human, Some rapist attacked me. When he tried to take my clothes off to fuck me I kicked him in the balls and stole his gun, I got him to jail."
Switchblade looked at me in shock. "S- She's human?"
Fuck, this is how I die.
Suddenly Lightning stepped in the way. "Yes she is, problem Katlyn?"
She's Fucking human too? Godamnit, I thought I was special
Switch shook her head. "N-Not at all. Take her on a tour of the army station, you can train her, I trust you that she's the one."
Lightning nodded and turned to leave to room, flicking his thunderbolt-shaped tail, signaling for me to follow. I trotted out of the room, trying to catch up with my new tour guide. He led me out of the tunnel into the dark ravine.
"This is the Center. All of the Ravines and tunnels are connected here." He said once we exited. He trotted into another tunnel. He shot me a sharp glare that told me Stay fucking silent or I'll burn you alive. And I obeyed.
He dropped his voice into a very quiet whisper.
"This is Night Owl, he is blind, but sometimes, I think he sees more than us. Make no comments, he has REALLY sharp hearing."
I nodded and followed.
At the end of the (FUKKEN LONG) tunnel was a navy-blue earth pony staring at some crave drawings. His eyes had no color, and were just a creepy stark white.
Suddenly his head whipped around and her stared at me with a hard cold glare.
"Who is that. Tell me what this pony looks like. Lightning? Is that you? Tell me."
"It's me. This is... umm... Seriously what is your name?" He stuttered. Night Owl sighed.
I need a name FAST! "I'm um.... Fire, umm... Fire Star! I'm an orange alicorn with a red mane and tail but only my mane has markings like fire."
"Your eyes." Night croaked.
"My What?!"
"Your eyes, what do they look like?" Night repeated.
"They're blue. Why?"
"No, remove the hair covering your left eye." Night commanded.
"How did you-?" I was cut off by a white hoof. I looked over to see Lightning giving me a look that said: Don't question it.
He moved his hoof from my mouth and brushed my hair out of my face and let out a gasp of shock.
My other eye was blood red with a golden pupil.
Five hours of me having a panic attack later
"That was... eventful." Lightning remarked as we left the cave. "Let's finish the tour later, I want to see if you have battle instinct. As we make it to the training room, I will ask you a few questions. Okay?"
I nodded.
"Okay, first question. If you wake up to find that the Equestrian army has invaded, what would you do?"
I stood up on my hind legs and shouted in my best Royal Canterlot Voice: "THROW THE CHEESE!" Causing Lightning to fall back in a fit of laughter. Me joining him soon after.
When he got up, he asked. "Okay, be serious, what would you do?"
"Grab the biggest weapon and go apeshit on their asses." I said in the most serious tone possible, earning a giggle from Lightning.
"Question number two," He continued as we were walking. "What is the weapon of your choice and why, please be serious, for once, I know it's hard but I know you can do it!"
"Several swords, hold all of them with my magic, fuck up some guards, no need to reaload."
"If you're ever sent to spy, would you use an invisibility spell and get a bad headache, or rely on your stealth skills and risk getting caught?"
"Magic, no shit sherlock."
"If you get caught and Celestia's guards torture or rape you, will you tell them anything?"
"Oh HEEEEEEEELLLLLLL no."
"Good." Lightning said. "Wait here, I'll be right back."
"PSST!"
"Huh?"
"PSST!"
I turned around to see, Lyra? Dafuq?
"You should totally ask Lightning Strike out, he's totally into you." She said.
I blushed madly. "He's just my trainer, anyway I only want to be friends."
Lyra shook her head. "Don't friendzone him! All the mares want him but he's rejected each one, now the first mare he likes is the only mare that doesn't back?! No no no, bad pony, this is a huge chance, consider it, please." She whispered before retreating into the dark tunnel.
I then mimicked my best Ace Ventura voice and said. "ALLLRIGHTY THEN!"
Another (Fukken short) chapter.
I have a question, should I post more chapters more often that are short or longer chapters that come out less?
