My Second Life: Alchemy is Profit!

“Mr Bojack H. You stand accused of forgery, bribery, assault with a deadly vegetable, conspiracy to commit fraud, fraud, tax evasion, tax forgery, tax fraud, impersonation of a guard, illegally operating an alchemical business without a license, illegally possessing controlled alchemical reagents,illegally tampering with the weather, illegally manufacturing weather, black magic, conspiracy to use black magic, conspiracy to overthrow the crown, attempting to overthrow the crown, and finally attempting to bring about 10,000 years of darkness.” Celestia read from the bench.

“OBJECTION!” Double Book shouted. “There’s no such crime as ‘attempting to bring about 10,000 years of darkness’”

With a flash, Celestia made a thick and lawbook poof in front of her and a pair of reading glasses appear on her face. “According to the Equestria Criminal Code volume 24 on special circumstances, section 8 on villany, sub section 10 on old or ancient entities states, “An attempt to usher in a new era of malice, evil, darkness, or similar adjectives by force through means of overthrowing the current ruling body of the kingdom, for a period of length greater than one standard day.” In hundreds of years, I have never seen a pony with such disregard for the laws of the land or the harmony of the ponies around them.

“Objection Your honor!” Double book exclaimed again. “I ask that her honor and your honor recuse yourselves from this trial on questions of objectivity.”

“I have ruled this kingdom for 1000 years and served as a judge longer than any pony alive, overruled.” Celestia said, slamming her book down. “Now, defendant Bojack how do-”

“OBJECTION!” Double Book once again shouted.

“What is it now?”

“I ask that this trial be moved to a more public venue.”

“Overruled, sit down my little pony.”

“Objection!” Rainbow Dash groaned loudly as did several other of the few ponies assembled in the secret underground courtroom. “I request week’s recess to discuss the matter with my client.”

“Overruled. This matter must be put to rest immediately.”

“10 minutes?”

“No.”

“A stiff drink?”

Celestia’s horn lit up again, and a glass of amber liquid appeared on the table in front of him. “If it will keep you quiet.”

Unfortunately before he could reach the glass, he was pelted with a snowball that totally didn’t come from me catching him by surprise and knocking him off his seat. Accepting defeat, he whimpered on the floor for the moment.

She banged her gavel. “Defendant, there will be no snow throwing in my court room, Do you understand?”

“Sure, lets just get this over with.” I said.

“Now then, how do you plead?”

“Is that all of them? I honestly thought there would be more.”

“We are not dealing with the complaints from the Alchemy Guild or the Noble Houses in this court.”

“Right then. Permission to address the bench?” I asked, Celestia’s gavel raised in anticipation.’ “Pretty please your honors.” Celestia sighed and set her gavel down, Luna chuckled. “Thank you.”
I stood up on all four hooves, a long rune studded chain trailed behind me, bound to a matching leg-iron. “Now these crimes, taken together, sound like I have no regard for the law or anypony but myself. Did I commit these crimes, I certainly did, but I intend to explain why I did so to prove my innocence. I believe under the ECC volume 24 on special circumstances, section 8 sub section 24..., for Celestia’s sake Double Book what do I pay you for?”

The embattled lawyer crawled out from under the table with a smaller copy of the book that Celestia currently had on the bench and passed it to me.

“As I was saying Subsection 24, “In the event that the persons herein referred as ‘the villain’ are in service to, indebted to, and or compelled to commit criminal acts by some malevolent force, they may provide testimony for the purpose of clemency.” I intend to prove that not only was I indebted to the entity which I summoned from the gateway, the most serious of my crimes were committed in order to release my bondage.”

“OH COME ON!” Dash shouted from her seat. “HE FOALNAPPED US, SUMMONED A MONSTER AND- oompf” Her shout was cut off by Celestia’s gentle telekinetic grip.

“After considering the severity of the charges and the criminal code as written, I have decided to allow this. In preparation, I will allow the defendant a 10 minute recess as requested to organize his defense.” She said striking her gavel.

I know Luna is best princess but right now Celestia kind of feels like best princess for not summarily banishing me to the moon or something. “Phew, I can’t believe that worked.” I said to Double Book. He just stood slack jawed.

“Are you kidding me?! How the hay am I supposed to mount a defense in 10 minutes when you just admitted to the charges?”

“Relax, we’ve been through worse.” I said, nudging him with a wing.

“When?”

“I mean what about the time when everything was about to explode?”

“That’s different! I wasn’t about to be banished to Tartarus or the moon for that!”

“Relax, I’ll get through this.” I said, leaning back in my chair. Oh yes, I was going to get through this, and if i didn’t well, hey it was one heck of a good second life in crazy pony land.