McBERZEKER (A semi-true story)
It was an average saturday as I recall. Chilled with my brony friends. Watched the latest episode of MLP. All was good.
We then realized there were pony toys at McDonalds. Obviously we were stoked as shit so a healthy dinner was forgotten. We packed into the car and headed off.
When we arrived we realized it was pretty crowded. No matter haters gonna hate. We walked inside.
The line was a little long so in the main time we checked out the toys display. We skipped over the Transfaggers and gazed upon the pony awesomeness. And there they were, in all their glory.
My friends wanted Pinkie and Fluttershy respectively. I wanted PInkie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Cheerilee. It was our turn!
When I reached the counter I realized the chick there was a total bitch.
"I'll take your order please," said the dumbass hoe.
"Yeah I'll have a Happy Meal with a cheeseburgers and root beer," I said.
"Do you want girls' or boys' toys with that?" asked the broad with an idiotic bitchy look on her face.
"Girls toys' obviously what do I look like? A fag?" I stated. Pretty obvious in retrospect. "Which ones do you got?"
"Only these two," she said holding up Lily Blossom and Applejack.
"THAT'S IT?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "THOSE ARE THE SHITIEST ONES AVAILABLE!"
People started staring up from their food to look up at the commotion.
Right when she was about to say some bullshit suddenly...
BERZEKER
I reached across the counter and grabbed the bitch by her throat. I slammed her face against the counter. I then went around the counter and threw her headfirst into the deep fryer.
The manager then walked out to see what was going on. He was a four hundered pound, three nippled hermaphrodite with a blue mullet.
I punched it in the face, but it wouldn't back down. I took the Lily Blossom toy and shoved it up it's ass. Only then did it know how I felt...
The customers started screaming and running out of the store. I let them. I didn't care. I had to make this right. Me and my friends were done with the 10$/hour crew and were ready to take the fight to the top when...
One customer remained. He was wearing a baseball cap backwards so you know he's a cool kid.
"Ponies are gay," he said. "I got a transformers toy like a big kid."
We stopped in our tracks. I turned to the kid and said:
"Bitch, ponies are the single most manly thing in the universe and if you had one brain cell in your fucking prepubescent head you'd understand that."
It's still fuzzy how it happened. All I remember is by the end of it my foot was so far up his ass I kicked all his teeth out.
I turned to my friends and nodded. We broke the display case and took all the good toys. Time for the big cheese himself.
We drove to our destination in silence. The police dared not chase us. They understood our pain, they didn't get the toys either when they got their McCoffees.
We arrived at our destination. McDonalds headquarters. The guards knew why we were here. They also knew any resistance was futile. They lead us to their commander.
We opened the door to the CEO's office and there he sat, in his great big chair. His makeup. His giant shoes. His red hair. His whisky cologne.
"Hello gentlemen," Ronald McDonald said grinning, "You think you can stop me?"
"Bronies deserve their favourite ponies!" I exclaimed, "Not just any shitty ones lying around. Also the Happy Meal box needs to have derp on it. Shit make a Derpy toy."
"You don't understand. We realize how much money we could make if we did that. But we don't give a shit. WE ARE JUST SO EVIL WE WANT BRONIES TO SUFFER! MUHAHAHA!"
"YOU BASTARD!" I yelled charging at him.
But the clown was quick. He blocked my blows. I looked to my friends for help, but they were occupied fighting off Grimace and Birdie. I was alone.
I grabbed a chair and swung at him, but he easily sidestepped me. As I faltered he grabbed my arm and swung me down.
He pulled out a knife and was about to finish me off when all of a sudden...
HAMBURZEKER!
The Hamburgular flew out of nowhere and kicked Ronald McDonald's clown ass. He lay there unconscious. Grimace and Birdie were both dead.
We then found out that the Hamburgular wasn't a bad guy at all. It was all a big sham by McDonalds to keep him down.
Right as we were about to go, in one final act of vengeance, Ronald grabbed his knife and stabbed the Hamburgular in the scruff of the neck. His face was frozen in a silent cry. He was dead before he hit the floor.
We quickly grabbed the knife and stabbed Ronald repeatedly. The clown was dead.
As we left we saw an open door. As I looked in I saw it. The motherload. All of the pony merch you could ever imagine. Derpy Hooves plushies. Lyra and Bon Bon. Every single kind of pony merch ever in one room, and thousands of each one.
We knew what we had to do. The Hamburgular died for it. It's what he would have wanted. I shed a manly tear and then...
ALL TEH BRONIES LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER TEH END!
If you were offended by this because you like Applejack or you are a McDonalds employee I am sorry. This text is only meant for comedic purposes.
