Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak
Chapter 21: Satori in e minor

I think I’ll stay Here
Until I am whole again

I don’t know when

Thursday, T-minus 15 days

I awoke with a start, gasping for breath as I tried to cling to the tattered tapestry of a rapidly unravelling dream. Threads and images crumbled to dust, swallowed up in the rising tide of my conscious mind. All I could bring to mind was a single image. Blackjack sitting on the edge of a cliff while a powerful storm rolled in.

It had been nine days, and I still hadn’t visited Blackjack.

I didn’t want to see her hooked up to a life support machine. I dreaded seeing her battered body covered with brown, caked bandages, her bruises, from purple to blue and yellow... her broken bones. That was before. Now, I found myself caught up in my own festering pit of self-loathing that kept me firmly anchored at any place that she wasn’t. After the past day’s ‘friendship lessons,’ I was pretty well and done with the idea of doing anything emotionally strenuous.

If I were being honest with myself, the thought of dealing with the mess of feelings I had about Blackjack just felt so very… imposing. Even just pondering what her friendship — Could I even call it a friendship? — was to me just put me into a perpetual spin of thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t pull out of.

The hateful, chipper song that Rhiannon had set as my alarm began to chime, and I just barely suppressed the murderous rage it instilled in me as I turned it off. Anywhere in the fucking morning was not my favourite time to be awake, but nine?! It wasn’t even in double digits yet! But who has time for sensible arguments in favour of sloth? I had school to lumber my miserable carcass to! What joy of joys!

I dragged myself out of bed and toward the Lilac House’s shower. I was still acclimating to this house’s utterly mad configuration, but it had a gentle charm to it that was growing on me. Plus, the hot water talisman was strong, and I loved the feeling of hot water running over my withers. It made me think of standing below the falls of Mount Yonaguni. I’d read a book written by ponies who lived across the western ocean, who had an ancient cleansing ritual that involved standing below the freezing cold water that flowed off of the mountain’s glaciers. They said it purified the body and mind. I yearned for water to wash away all my earthly sins.

As if water could actually do that.

I found a note from Rhiannon in the kitchen, letting me know that she wanted me to talk with Sandalwood today over the broadcaster, and the lunch she’d made for me. I tucked the brown paper bag of mystery into my saddlebags without looking at the contents, and made my way outside.

I was somehow caught off-guard by my friends patiently waiting for me, even though one particularly awake brain cell reminded me they were supposed to. They’d let me know yesterday that they planned on walking to school with me this morning.

“Ah, there she is!” Puddle squeaked in a most irritating way. “Lovely morning, isn’t it, Threnody?”

“Hey Threnody,” Glitter chirped. “Bet you wish you were still a sheep, huh?”

It was too damn early for this shit.

“Morning, girls,” I mumbled as I greeted the ever cheery-in-the-morning Puddle and Glitter. I paused as I realised that Balmy was standing with them. “And Balmy. Sorry, Balmy.”

“Oh, it’s okay, Threnody,” Balmy replied. “I get that a lot with how long my mane is.”

“Okay, well, fine then. Good morning, girls. Even unofficial ones,” I said with a slight smirk. To my surprise, Balmy didn’t protest. Huh. “Where’s Bubblegum?”

Puddle and Glitter exchanged glances.

“Well, he didn’t meet us at Solidarity’s place this morning,” Puddle explained. “I was hoping he would, but…”

Glitter sighed. “Bubbles and Mr. Solidarity don’t always talk very nicely to each other. So Bubblegum has been staying with the Wolfies.”

“Wait,” I piped up as my brain tripped over what Glitter had just said, and not in the usual way. “Isn’t Solidarity staying outside the Stable right now? Bubblegum would have Solidarity’s quarters to himself, and if he’s staying with the Wolves, that means he’d actually be closer to the constable.”

Glitter shrugged her wings. “That’s just what he said. He doesn’t always make sense. Kind of like me!” She said with a giggle.

“That must be why you two make such a great couple!” Puddle gushed.

Eugh. Still too early for this shit.

Still, whatever Bubblegum’s reasons for staying with the Wolves, somehow the idea of the half-tamed raider child staying with the ex-Steel Rangers was fitting. Though it probably contributed to his frequent absences from school.

Lucky bastard.

I sighed, and shook my head as we started off through the orchards toward the Atrium. “I’m probably being too hard on him. He’s… probably got his own layers of crap to deal with, and I can’t see how sitting in a classroom is particularly helpful.”

I watched as Puddle and Glitter exchanged glances as they walked. Balmy just shrugged.

“I think school helps,” Puddle said after a moment. “It feels… normal.”

“Oh,” I said, frowning. “I… guess I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“Well, yeah. You’ve never lived here, Threnody,” Puddle replied. “So this school thing is weird to you but… to me, it means safety. In all of the weirdness and scariness of what has happened in the past few years, school is the only thing that hasn’t… changed for me.”

I should have known that. Or rather, I should have felt that. But I still couldn’t. And here I was grumbling about the one thing that was probably keeping at least one of my friends sane.

“Argh, I’m sorry Puddle,” I said, my ears drooping. “I’ve probably been a rather shitty friend here by being all stupid about school when it’s… probably been really important to you.”

Puddle hesitated a moment before speaking.

“Yeah, you… kinda have been a crappy friend, Threnody, not gonna lie,” she said, driving a stake right into my barely beating heart. “Like, you’ve been going through a lot, and I am pretty sure we all want to help, but… you’re kinda… mean right now.”

Glitter nodded. Puddle did too. “You’re really grumpy and I think it’s cause you’re sad inside but won’t say it. You’ve been really mean to Bubblegum, too.”

I looked at Balmy, if only to avoid looking my two friends in the eye. But Balmy looked away, shrinking down in discomfort. At least he didn't throw any barbs my way.

I didn’t like being told these things. I didn’t like that I was just now realising that maybe I’ve been a bit much. That here I was staring at my own hooves and yet the world was moving along without me and…

And that I was being a jerk.

“Um,” I started, not able to meet Glitter or Puddle’s eyes. “What do I do about it?”

Puddle took a few steps closer to me. At the edges of my perception, I could just barely get the sense that she was contemplating hugging me. But she didn’t.

“Fix you,” she said gently. “Then we’ll talk about it.”

I closed my eyes, hoping that she’d continue. Better now than later. I didn't want to live knowing more venom would come out later. I wished that she’d rant and rave at how awful I was and how I deserved no friends. But nothing came. Nothing but the quiet shuffling of hooves on the packed earth of the stable floor.

Puddle and Glitter trotted away toward school and I waited until their hoofsteps had faded before I finally opened my eyes.

Balmy was still there, watching me with his head cocked to one side. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, then closed it again, offering only a frown.

Somehow, without saying anything, it was the most relatable thing I’d seen out of anypony since I’d been in the stable. Something inside of me cracked, and I started laughing. It wasn’t a pretty laugh. It was the dark, ugly laugh of somepony who realised that they had nothing to lose, and that they were drowning in an emptiness of their own making.

The laughter devolved into ugly crying in the middle of the apple orchard, but through it all, Balmy stayed there, waiting me out.

“You’re going to b-be l-late for class,” I sniffled, wiping my nose on my sleeve. “You don’t have to wait for me.”

“No,” Balmy said quietly. “But I wanted to.”

I shot him a half glare. “Why?!”

Balmy shrugged, then frowned again.

It was like peering through a painful mirror. Balmy struggled with his words as I did with mine. I had the barest sense he shared my boiling frustration, wholly directed inward. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d found somepony else who had a tongue who liked to turn to solid marble.

“Do you want to skip class?” I blurted out, not meaning to. I couldn’t do school today. I couldn’t sit in that stupid desk, staring out that window that showed the open fields and orchards, all while wishing I was a tree so I didn’t have to listen to Miss Aria drone on about Equestrian history.

Balmy nodded. “That… actually sounds really, really nice.”

I started flapping my wings, and flew in the direction of the Atrium. Balmy took flight and kept pace with me. I took us out of the stable, out past the guard station where we startled the Wolves on duty, and up.

The weather around Mt. Hoof was sunny and bright, likely a blessing of one of the MoA towers that stood near Portlandia’s ruins. Light, puffy clouds hung around the volcanic peak as if tethered to it. If we had wanted, we could probably have made it to them. Well, maybe. My lungs protested against the sudden and rapid burst of that dreaded thing called exercise, making the last few meters of the flight a bit of an adventure.

I collapsed, winded, at the edge of the soft cloud. Balmy did the same, rolling onto his back as he tried to catch his breath.

“I… need to fly more…” he gasped, before giggling. “This is why I don’t… challenge Sagi or Sour… to a race!”

“I don’t think I should race anypony,” I admitted, still breathless. “But I need to be… up? You know?”

Balmy rolled onto his belly and looked out over the edge of the cloud.

“Yeah. I… I get it,” he admitted. “Up here, you’re kinda away from the problems of… well, down there.”

I took a moment to take in the surroundings. Mt. Hoof rose behind us: strong, solid, and snowcapped, while the volcanic foothills fanned away from the big mountain. A meandering river flowed through the collapsing husks of the dead pine forests carpeting the landscape. Here and there though, and despite all odds, green was starting to peek in through the scorched treetops. Life was returning to this part of the wasteland.

Laying there on the cloud and taking everything in, made me feel very, very small.

And a part of me needed that feeling of smallness. That the world was bigger and more significant and that I was just… little. I wasn’t the center of the universe, just a small part of it that was desperately trying to figure itself out in the context of the great big everything.

Or maybe a part of me just wanted to be small again, aching for those rare moments where mom would hold me like a mother should.

Shaking that thought out of my head, I asked: “Do you have a lot of problems down there?”

“Yeah, doesn’t everyone?” Balmy asked, his big blue eyes boring into me.

His answer struck me. Most ponies I knew said yes and jumped into their problems, letting their frustrations and sorrows rain down on me in a steady drizzle, but Balmy didn’t. He answered, then reflected it back to me. Which felt… odd.

“Oh, well. I mean, yeah, totally? Who doesn’t have problems in their life, right?” I said, letting out a dry laugh. “What would ponies be if we didn’t have our problems?”

I swear to Luna I know how to do the social.

Balmy chuckled, then shrugged.

“I dunno, happy, I guess? Or something like that?” He turned away from me and stared at some point in the distance. “Or whatever happy means, I guess.”

I didn’t need my heartmending senses to recognise the melancholy in his voice. Not being able to feel the cool blue emotion pooling around my hooves felt strange, so much so that I felt myself lightly curling my hooves to at least ground myself in the soft surface of the cloud.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked, knowing I’d opened the door the day before, only to have it shut in my face.

Balmy slowly turned to me, a sad smile on his muzzle. “You know, don’t you think you should worry about you, first?” he asked. “I mean, I followed you up here and am skipping class ‘cause of you.” He paused. “I talk enough about my stuff, honest. I talk with Rhiannon, I talk with Mr. Vetiver.” My ears perked up at the new, unfamiliar name. “I have a lot of ponies and others who are willing to listen to me. It’s… kinda nice, actually, since my mom doesn’t really get me at all, and my dad’s… not in the picture.”

That sounded uncomfortably relatable.

“So I kinda make it work!” Balmy continued, perking up. “I may have all sorts of problems, but I also have friends who look out for me, even if I’m not able to tell them yet exactly what’s going on. And uh… that’s nice?” His blue eyes moved slowly back and forth as he made eye contact with me, and it almost felt like he was searching for something in me. “And I get the feeling you’ve maybe got that waiting for you down there? But… you don’t know how to ask for it?”

Anger welled up in me, and I did my best to bite it back, but I knew I couldn’t quite keep it from slipping icicle sharpness into my tone.

“I don’t–”

Then I stopped, realising that maybe, just maybe, he was right. Like, holy fucking shit, I had just had Puddle telling me I needed to fix myself not fifteen minutes ago, and that would have been an excellent opening for me to reach out to her. Or was it? Or was Puddle saying that I needed to fix myself was her way of telling me to go away? I’d deserve nothing less.

Or did I deserve better than that? I mean, that seemed doubtful, given that life had basically repeatedly told me that if I wanted to go first, it was selfish. That I shouldn’t be selfish.

That line of thinking made me want to pluck every hair out of my tail in frustration.

“Why do you care...?” I finally asked. I wanted to lash out so he’d give up on me. But I couldn’t put any edge to my voice. I just sounded defeated.

“Cause you’re hurting,” Balmy said. “And…” He trailed off and frowned. “I don’t know, have you ever been around someone that you know is hurting, and there’s a part of you that hurts as well, that cries out to whatever they’re going through, and you kinda want to hang out with them for a while, hoping that maybe you can help them make it through whatever’s bugging them?”

“I’m a heartmender. That’s kind of my Tuesday.”

“Is it though?”

Yet again, this frustratingly perceptive colt made me pause and think. In some ways, that was how I approached being a heartmender. I was supposed to use my talents to help others, and by my presence, we hoped that ponies got better. But… he was asking if I’d done that by choice rather than because it’s just what was expected of me. Admittedly, I hadn’t. Not with Blackjack, and… not with any of my friends.

I tucked my forelegs underneath myself and tugged my wings close to my back.

“I… okay, maybe you have a point there. I used to be able to sense when ponies were hurting, though. I’ve not been able to do that since I was in the stupid forest,” I admitted glumly. “But can you kinda like, unpack what you mean by that? Hurt crying out to hurt?”

Balmy pulled together some bits of cloud, and shaped them into a heart.

“So… the way I see it is we’re usually okay, but sometimes, we have bad things that happen to us. A disappointment.” He pulled away a small piece of the heart and let it drift away on the breeze. “Losing someone important to you.” He pulled off a larger piece. “All these hurts, big and small, that kinda start to add up over time. So you start to wonder if… you’re broken? If you’re the only one who feels this way, right?”

He pulled off more chunks of the cloud until it was less a heart and more a nondescript lump. Is that what I was really like inside? Did holes and missing chunks make up the better part of my heart at this point?

“But I think when we have these hurts, we kinda know what that looks like. Maybe not how it totally affects us, like… I don’t think we ever know that, but we know it enough to like, know what it looks like in somepony else. So those invisible injuries kinda resonate with us when we see someone struggling with something similar?” He sculpted another cloud heart, took out pieces, and lightly shoved them next to each other. “So… because you know what that looks like, what it feels like, it’s… easier to see that in others. That… makes sense?”

I cocked my head to the right as I thought about what he’d said. “I think so? Like… sorry, I’m probably coming at this from a weird angle, but sort of how some heartmenders work really well with certain kinds of hurts?”

“I mean probably? That would make sense to me,” Balmy replied. “I was thinking more in the friend sense, though. That sometimes we go through things in life that are similar to, but not the same as others. So we know when something might bother our friends, and we can look out for them when they need it. And we can open up to them when we need the support. I think that’s what friends are supposed to do for each other.”

I wasn’t sure I bought all of that. It seemed really weird to accept help from others. I’d spent my entire life having to learn to rely only on myself because the adults around me certainly couldn’t be arsed to care about me, so I couldn’t expect other ponies my age to be there for me either. But I understood it from the direction of providing that support. But doing the same thing in reverse was different, wasn’t it? Argh, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t understand being on the receiving end?

I buried my face in the cloud.

“So what do you see in me that makes you think I’m hurt?” I asked, dreading the answer.

Balmy managed a chuckle. “Uh… well, your class introduction was a phenomenal disaster, for starters. But mostly it’s that you kinda seem to hold yourself back. I don’t know how to explain it better than that. You are always just the slightest bit disengaged. Like when we were at lunch yesterday? You sought out talking to me instead of trying to talk with everypony else.”

“Maybe I was worried about you, cause you got quiet?”

“Maybe,” Balmy said, then blew a raspberry at me. “But you said you can’t feel ponies when they’re distressed. So you can’t use that excuse.”

I pulled my face up out of the cloud and sighed. “Okay, fine, maybe I also just wasn’t feeling up to dealing with everypony at once!”

“See! Progress! A few more things like this and we’ll make you into the element of honesty!”

I chuckled. “It’s gonna take a bit more than that, I think,” I admitted. “But, no, you’re right. I just don’t like to admit it. Everypony wants me to be this perfect little pegasus, who listens and is sociable, but really others exhaust the crap out of me and make me want to hide under my blankets until they go away.”

Balmy let out a soft sigh, and looked away from me.

“Yeah, I can understand that. Trying to be something you’re not can be exhausting,” he said, looking out over to the dead forest.

I twitched my ear at that. I may not have been able to feel his emotions, but there was something in the tone of his voice that I locked onto. Something that I desperately wanted to poke at, but felt that I probably shouldn’t.

“I give you credit for not asking, by the way,” he added without looking at me. “I was sure you were gonna poke, but you didn’t.”

“I had to try really hard not to,” I confessed. “Which I mean, I do want to know if you want to share, but… after yesterday I kinda got the impression that you didn’t want to. Like, that makes total sense considering that we just met yesterday.” I paused as that little fact sunk into my brain. “Oh my goddesses! What is wrong with me?! I just started dumping on you! I am so sorry!”

Balmy quirked an eyebrow at me.

“Uh, I kinda did offer. And like, Puddle did tell you that you need to work on fixing you. Tell me if I’m wrong, but you said you just ‘dumped’ on me, and yet I feel like… like you really only told me the smallest teaspoonful of what’s actually bothering you?” he asked gently.

Because it would be accurate? I thought, trying to center myself as I desperately attempted to cap the well of rage and sorrow that threatened to break out of me. Talking to ponies was a mistake. All that did was make me a risk to them.

“I carried the problems of a lot of ponies as a heartmender,” I said, choosing to focus on Mt. Hoof’s peak instead of the blue-eyed siren in front of me. “Sorry, this was… a mistake. I shouldn’t’ve dragged you up here. Now you’re missing class and I’m gonna probably get yelled at for keeping you away from your education or whatever.”

“I doubt that Rhiannon is going to yell at you,” Balmy said, tilting his head to the side as he looked at me.

I wish she would, I thought bitterly. At least I’d have some idea of what to do with that.

“Honest, Threnody, I don’t mind. I wasn’t lying when I said that I was a little worried about you, and I know we just met but…” he seemed to struggle for the right words for a moment. He pursed his lips, then shook his head. “The magic that exists in friendship can be just as powerful as the magic heartmenders give to those around them. I would like to be friends with you, Threnody. If you’ll let me.”

All of the talk of friendship just made me feel tired.

What even was friendship supposed to be? I mean, I considered myself to be friends with Glitter, sure. But… our friendship was more about being the two youngest — sort of — members of the Followers. As I got older, I kinda drifted out of toys and dolls and focussed more on my talent. Glitter had been left behind in a childhood that she struggled to escape, while I never really had one to begin with.

Was I friends with Bubblegum? He was kind of distant, but he at least gave me a straight answer on where he stood with me. I wasn’t sure Puddle wanted to be my friend after this morning. Did I even deserve that friendship?

Why did I find myself wanting the feeling of being cared for so badly? Was I really that weak? I hated how the thought of being alone continued to make me feel like I could break into a million pieces.

“I’m… gonna need some work,” I whispered. “I don’t know what this whole friendship obsession that your stable has is about, but… it’s not what I’ve experienced in the world.”

I was proud of myself that I said that without crying.

“That sounds so lonely,” Balmy replied. “I mean, I am sorry to hear that, and I won’t say that I understand, but… I am really sorry you went through what you did to make you feel that way.”

It took me a moment to swallow the painful lump in my throat that was threatening to choke me.

“Look, it… doesn’t matter.” I growled. “I made it work, and I have a job. I’m trying to honestly figure out what in the hay Sandalwood was thinking in trying to shove me into school. Like, why? Why does she want me going to school? I am probably more well read and more well educated than ninety percent of the wasteland cause I grew up in a fucking library, so school seems superfluous to me.”

“Maybe she wants you to try to make some friends?” Balmy offered. He opened his mouth to continue, but his pipbuck started to beep softly.

I quirked my eyebrow at him. “Everything okay?”

“Oh yeah,” he said, blushing. “I forgot I’d set that alarm. I… am supposed to meet with Mr. Vetiver this morning. To talk about, uh, stuff. I always set the alarm because Miss Aria forgets that I have this appointment every Thursday.”

My ears wilted. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry, Balmy. We should probably head back and let you get to your appointment. And I should probably go fess up to Rhiannon that I skipped class this morning.”

Balmy hesitated, then nodded. “I mean, if you’re okay with it? We can meet up for lunch?”

I gave him a small smile. “Yeah, sounds great. Meet by the library?”

“Sure thing! Let’s go!” he said, before diving off of the cloud.

It felt nice to feel the wind rushing past my face as I followed Balmy’s billowing tail back down from the sky. I loved flying, even if I didn’t get to do it very often. Having the freedom to just take to the sky always felt intoxicating, or as near to intoxicating as I was willing to get. I was never going to break any wonderbolt records, or even be an above-average flier, but being airborne helped me feel more relaxed than I ever felt on the ground.

Which made the inevitable reunion with Terra Firma all the more painful. Down here was where all of my problems were. And a lot of them felt so much bigger than I knew how to handle.

Balmy and I trotted back into the stable, and down the hallway that led to the Atrium before parting ways. I sighed as I watched him go. He was damnably perceptive, that one, but sometimes, it… felt kinda nice. I always ended up feeling like I was taking too much of the time that others had when I got their singular attention, but… at the same time I craved it. Which made me feel like I deserved it even less, if I was being honest with myself.

I shook my head and decided to face the music. I knew that Rhiannon wanted me to talk with Sandalwood over the broadcaster today, so I figured I’d just wait for her in the Stable’s communication’s center. For some reason, Stable-Tec had decided that they should have a small radio tower attached to the mountain. By some miracle, when the world burned in balefire, the radio array remained untouched, allowing it to communicate with the rest of the wasteland and other Stable-Tec equipment through the M.A.S.E.B.S. arrays. Provided ponies had access to broadcasters of their own. The Followers routinely brought Pipbucks with broadcaster attachments to remote settlements just in case they needed to call in for extra help, and as a consequence, Sandalwood could keep tabs on me, even if I didn’t want her to.

As I trotted toward the communication center, I realised that somepony had left the door open. Puzzled, I snuck a glance around the corner, to see that Rhiannon was already using the radio to talk to… Sandalwood?

I didn’t want to eavesdrop. I knew I probably shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I had to know what they were talking about. As surreptitiously as possible, I leaned just far enough around the corner to listen in, and hoped my ability to shield my feelings from other heartmenders hadn’t abandoned me too.

“I don’t know how long I can keep this up, Sandalwood,” Rhiannon said, her voice strained with tension. “Everything you’re telling me goes against what I am feeling right now. You want me to be a perfect stand in for a mother figure, but I can’t keep that up! Nopony can!”

“I know it’s a struggle right now, Rhiannon, but honestly I do think this is the best for Threnody. If she has some stability, then at least she has a chance to heal,” Sandalwood replied stiffly. “I know this probably seems counterintuitive for working with somepony as young as dear Threnody, but she’s been using her special talent like an adult for most of her young life.”

“But she’s not an adult!” Rhiannon shot back, stamping a hoof. “Treating her like one may be your ‘Heartmender’s’ policy, but honestly it feels wrong. She’s not a small grown-up. She’s a teenager who has just been through some extremely traumatic shit, and pretending she hasn’t will not help anyone! Why the fuck do you keep telling me to do this, Sandalwood?”

Sandalwood let out a soft sniff, the kind that she did when she was intensely annoyed, but trying to not show her disdain.

“I am just passing down what Heartshine was recommending for her. I also happened to agree with her, Rhiannon. I mean no disrespect to your own heartmending talents but–”

Rhiannon cut her off. “Why is it that when you say that, you’re about to say something highly disrespectful!? Sandalwood, this is bullshit. We need to engage Threnody’s trauma before she crosses that event horizon and can’t make her way back to being a whole young filly. She is young, and in a critical state of development, why don’t you see that?”

“I do see that plainly, thank you very much!” Sandalwood shot back. “I have my own orders here as well!”

“Is that how you work, Sandalwood? Because that seems like a shitty way to heal ponies. Based on ‘orders’ and not feelings. Did you even do what I asked and try to get in touch with Heartshine herself, instead of through this… Cinnamon mare that you speak of with barely repressed disdain?” Rhiannon asked. “I can almost feel the suspicion you have towards her from here, and if you really feel that way about Cinnamon, why are you trusting her to relay what Heartshine really wants, especially with regards to Threnody? I know Fold is a long way from the Hoof, but for Harmony’s sake mare, are you listening to yourself?”

“I am very much listening to myself, Rhiannon. I’ll thank you to remember that. I do believe that I have a responsibility for Threnody’s well-being, as does Slate. We’re both very fond of her, but at the same time, she’s the only one who has had any success with Blackjack and–”

“Fuck Blackjack. That mare is still in a coma. I don’t care about her right now. I care about what is going on with the filly I have living in my spare room. I think that ignoring this and trying to give her a ‘perfect life’ is going to end up doing more damage than good. Sometimes we’re made a greater whole if we stop trying to orbit the disparate parts of ourselves like we’re a binary star,” Rhiannon shot back. “Let me do some trauma work with Threnody. Do you all not feel the pain she carries? Or did you all just ignore it?”

“Of course I feel it!” Sandalwood cried, in a rare loss of composure. “You think I don’t– that I can’t–”

I couldn’t bear listening any longer. I could hear the hurt in Rhiannon and Sandalwood’s voices. They were hurting for me. Me! Of all ponies to hurt for, why would they waste their concern on me?

I didn’t understand, and I didn’t like that feeling. I shied away from the door, their words weren’t even making it into my head anymore, smearing together into so much ugly discord. It was bad enough that they were arguing, but about me? That… hurt a lot.

And it made me angry. Who was Rhiannon to treat me like a child? Who was Sandalwood to treat me like a grown mare? Why did both of those thoughts feel so damned uncomfortable!?

Everything within started to feel like it was boiling. My anger at being taken away from… fucking everything I had built at Elysium to work with Blackjack. My frustration at being told I was the only one who could help her. The deep, dark, blistering abyss of rage that I held for the Mayor. Everything came rushing over me in a drowning torrent, scalding me from the inside, and hot, bitter tears fell. I curled up around myself, shielding my face with my wings.

I heard a shuffling of hooves a moment later. I dared look up at Rhiannon, who looked down at me with an expression of great sorrow.

“You heard?” she asked softly.

I nodded, unsure if my voice was going to work. Rhiannon sat down next to me, and let out a long sigh.

“I… didn’t think you’d be here so early,” she admitted, shame colouring her voice. She looked down at her Pipbuck, presumably to check the time. “Did Miss Aria let you out early?”

An iceberg of regret settled on my chest, but I shook my head ‘no’.

She sighed, then shook her head. “I should have known. You really, really don’t like school, do you?”

I shook my head again.

“Are we going to be able to talk about what you heard anytime soon?” she asked. “‘Cause, well, I don’t know how much you heard, but… Sandalwood and I might have a bit of a disagreement on how you are doing.”

“I– I heard. I heard how sad you were for me,” I croaked, before finding it hard to speak again.

“Is that what set off that little supernova out here?” Rhiannon asked, looking incredibly sad as she scooted closer to me. “I felt your anger through the door, that was why I cut off my call early. Why did me being sad for you make you angry?”

“I… I didn’t like you arguing over me. I’m not worth the time,” I spat. “I just do my job but everypony treats me like I’m a fragile little doll, and I hate it! I hate it! Hate it!” I glared up at her. “You want to treat me like a child, Sandalwood wants to treat me like an adult, and you’ve got no business treating me as either!”

“That’s… fair,” Rhiannon said, sounding surprised. “I mean, you’re an adolescent mare. You’re still trying to figure stuff out. But you’re right, treating you like a child is probably wrong of me. You’re definitely a lot more world-wise than some of the adults here. But… correct me if I’m wrong, but you also don’t really know where you fall on that spectrum yourself, do you?”

I frowned. She had me there.

“No. I just… feel stuck in between. Which… probably makes things weird for you.”

“Threnody, you… really need to stop preempting everyone that might have a chance of caring about you,” Rhiannon chided. “You do that a lot. You reflect your own problems away and focus on the other pony. While that’s an admirable trait to have as a heartmender, when you’re the one being treated, you really can’t do that.”

Ah, yes. We were back to this. Her seeing through my crap and not taking the bait. Damnit.

“I don’t want you poking at my crap! What if it hurts you?! I already hurt you by making you worry!” I shot back, tears running down my cheeks. “I heard how worried you were about me. And Sandalwood! You shouldn’t be so worried! I’ll be fine, honest!”

Despite my best efforts to push this mare as far away from me with my words, she stood steadfast, a mountain weathering the rain.

“Threnody, I hear your words, but I also hear the sorrow and the fear underneath them. You keep trying to push me away, and yet I can feel that small part of you that just wants someone to hold you close. That is what hurts so much, to me, if I’m being honest with you.”

I started to shake. I didn’t know what to do. I was so afraid, so very afraid of being known, of being held that I knew that I’d shatter like thin ice. But I was so very tired of hiding, and so very… very…

Lonely.

Rhiannon had been sitting on her haunches as she spoke to me, and startled as I threw myself into her forelegs. I startled myself, but I was so tired, so lonely, so desperate for someone to touch me that I was willing to do stupid things to feel it. Even though it felt like bars of molten metal folding around my back as Rhiannon held me close in the hallway. In that moment I didn’t care if it killed me.

It was probably the stupidest thing, but I needed, longed for, felt a biological urge as urgent as any thirst or hunger I’d ever felt to feel something. Someone. Somepony holding onto me and even for a moment just to make me feel like I was valued. Wanted. Loved. Some sign or gesture that me staying alive this long had more meaning than just me going through the motions. I felt so much like I had nothing but my talent to offer others for so long that I needed someone to just be… be kind for once.

I knew it was selfish as hell, and a part of me scourged myself with so many brambled words, but dammit I needed this! It was probably dangerous letting Rhiannon this close, but sometimes I just… I couldn’t keep myself apart. Balmy had been right earlier. I was always holding myself back. Hiding from others. Trying to be the ‘mysterious heartmender friend’ that nopony ever really knew.

And really, all that brought me was loneliness and more tears. I was acting like everypony around me had spines that could tear into me if I got too close, and yet I would tell myself that it was me that would hurt them. So I held onto all my screaming tears in silence, and… for what? I didn’t have a good answer for that.

But here was a mare who didn’t even know me that was sad for worthless little me and it threw me back to the time the Lightbringer cleared the clouds, and brought back the brilliant blue of the sky to the wasteland. I was so tired of living in a world of grey. I wanted to see the colours again. Rhiannon just… wanted to show me what I could be. Even though I’d spent so much of my life afraid of that.

Rhiannon lightly ran a hoof down the back of my head. “When you’re ready, I think we should probably move this to someplace a little more private. I don’t want to break this moment for you, but confidentiality and all that.”

I let out a small, hiccuping laugh. “And the floor is making your butt hurt?”

She snorted. “Yes, that is… a concern of mine as well. But completely secondary to making sure you are okay.”

I didn’t want her to let me go, even though any contact felt like it was lightly searing my hide. At the same time, I needed this contact like a chem junkie needed a fix and I’d not had anywhere near my fill yet.

“I… am not. Not really,” I admitted. “I think I fucked up everything and I just… I don’t…” I felt the tears start to flow again, and looked up at her helplessly.

Rhiannon nodded, before using the back of her hoof to wipe away my tears. “If you are willing to try to work on you not being okay, I am willing to listen. I may not tell you things you want to hear about yourself, though. I may say mean, true things about you that will hurt. Are you okay with that?”

I probably wasn’t, but I nodded my assent anyway. The mean, true things were going to be future Threnody’s problems!

“Okay, well, first of all, we’re going to have to get you to talk. I know I said that yesterday, but I mean it. You need to talk. And, um.” She glanced back toward the communications room. “How about we hold off on having you talk to Sandalwood for a bit?” She bit her lip as her eyes lingered on the doorway. “I think I need to smooth things over with Sandalwood in any event.”

“I am okay with that,” I whispered. “I don’t really want to talk to her after I’ve been obviously crying.” I thought back to Sandalwood losing it towards the end of her and Rhiannon’s… exchange. “I… I want to see if I can try being more honest with Sandalwood, too. She’s such a pain, but… I know she really cares about me too.”

“Alright sweetheart, sounds like a plan,” Rhiannon said before releasing me from her embrace.

I hadn't anticipated how difficult I'd find the gulf between us as we parted, and thankfully, she didn't seem bothered when I scrambled to my hooves and pressed myself to her side. I was acting a bit foal-like, but I didn’t care. Relieving the touch-starved feeling as quickly as I could was more important than looking dignified.

I never really bothered to wonder at the fact that I was starving for contact — something that I normally feared. It was a way for others to press their will and emotions onto me in ways I couldn’t understand or didn’t want. But, the truth was that for all the times others had forced themselves on me, touching me when I didn’t want it or in ways that hurt, I was truly afraid of the touch of those that I wanted to be touched by.

Because it would inevitably stop, and I wouldn’t understand why.

When we’d first moved to Junction Town, mom used to brush my mane and rub my back to try to get me to sleep. Back when it was just the two of us, and mom didn’t have some adults to ‘entertain’.

Her touch had been all I needed to feel safe.

But then it stopped. She stopped, and I never learned why. Suddenly, I was a burden. An extra mouth to feed who made her life hell.

Rhiannon let me stay by her side as she spoke briefly to Sandalwood. I could hear the worry in her voice when I refused to speak, but Rhiannon eventually got her to calm down enough to end the broadcast.

“Alright, Stardust, let’s head back home,” Rhiannon said, pressing a few buttons on her pipbuck. “I’m going to cancel what I was going to do the next few days. Let’s focus on you.”

“I think I’d like that,” I croaked. “Sorry I’ve been a pain in the ass…”

She chuckled as we headed out of the broadcasting room toward the Atrium. “I’m sure you are right now, but I’ll accept your apology when we’ve had a few more chats,” she said lightly. “Not that I don’t think you’re being serious right now, but I feel like your apologies might be lacking a little grounding at the moment.”

We nearly made it out of the Atrium before I remembered that I’d told Balmy that I’d meet him in the Library.

“Um, Rhiannon? Can I get my pipbuck hooked up to the Stable’s network? I just realised I told Balmy I’d meet him at the Library, but… I don’t think that’s a good idea today,” I admitted quietly. “But I don’t have his tag to send him a message.”

“Do you mind me sending him a message for now?” she asked, pausing as I stopped in the middle of the hallway. “We could invite him and the rest of your friends over for dinner!”

“I… that depends on what kind of wringer you plan on putting me through this afternoon,” I mumbled. “But… um, if that’s okay with you? I… think it may be a bit before Bubblegum, Glitter, and Puddle want to see me.”

Rhiannon nodded as she tapped on her pipbuck. “I think you still need some time with your friends, but we should talk about why you don’t think they want to see you…”

Oh dear…

Rhiannon was surprisingly gentle with me for our first talk. Not that heartmenders aren’t gentle by our natures, but… I was kind of expecting her to barrage me with a bunch of hard things at once. Instead, we just… talked. About how I was. About how I felt my life was going. And about things that bothered me.

I didn’t think I’d have much to talk about, but as it turns out, I did. Before I knew it, I’d talked for nearly two hours straight, and desperately needed a drink of water.

After a while, Rhiannon gently reminded me that Balmy was coming over, and so she gave me ‘homework’

Writing down a timeline of my life.

She actually used the word ‘homework’, the weirdo!

But she told me not to start on that until this evening, so I’d set out to help her make dinner.

“What in the world is that?” I asked as Rhiannon carefully poured what appeared to be tiny balls of grain into a sort of measuring cup. I’d never seen anything like it before, and the closest thing I could think of was rice. But it didn’t look anything like the pictures of rice that I’d found in pre-war books!

“Couscous,” she explained as she poured the contents of the measuring cup into a pot. “It’s a very old Saddle Arabian dish, but we’ve adapted it fairly well to the club wheat we grow in the fields. I also figure that you could make it from refined razorgrain as well. In a limited sense, I suppose, it's almost like a hybrid between pasta and what I imagine rice was like?”

“Why did you measure that out?” I asked, watching her use the water talisman to fill up the measuring cup again.

Rhiannon turned and quirked an eyebrow at me. “That’s… sorta how you’re supposed to cook. Measure things out, time it, and all that.”

I stared at her, realising she had a skill that I’d never even considered, well, a skill.

“Are you doing that from memory, or do you have the recipe?” I asked. “I… am used to eating whatever comes out of a pre-war box or can.”

Rhiannon nodded pensively, then shoved a knife, a cutting board, and a carrot my way. “Did your mother never teach you to cook?”

“Um…” I trailed off, and let the ominous silence speak for itself.

“Right.” Rhiannon sighed. “Do you ever have moments in session with someone where you’re like ‘oh, it couldn’t’ve been that bad’, then later you realise ‘holy fuck it was?’ That is me right now.”

I shrank down a little.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I… was kind of a burden to mom, so I just… tried to leave her alone and eat what I could. It was always a treat when she made something. Otherwise I just…”

Went hungry.

“Well, then let’s get you started with some cooking basics, hmm? Do you know how to chop carrots?”

Rhiannon and I spent the next twenty minutes going through how to use a knife without removing your hoof, and some general cooking basics. It felt nice to have that much concentrated attention on me. Sure, I was learning something new, and spent every second convinced I was going to give us all food poisoning and we’d all die in horrible agony, but the individual attention was really nice.

It made me realise that the only ponies who actually made me feel like I got it from them were Slate and, well, Blackjack.

Though, admittedly, Blackjack always seemed to have an ulterior motive for giving me personal attention, whereas Slate and Rhiannon did not. I couldn’t put a hoof on what the difference between the three ponies was, other than there was a marked difference between how Blackjack and the other two treated me.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts.

“Oh, that’s probably Balmy,” I said, setting the knife down. “Do you need me to do anything else, Rhiannon?”

She shook her head. “Nope! The broth is just about coming to a boil, so it’s nearly done!”

I nodded and trotted over to the door. Balmy grinned awkwardly at me as I stepped out of the way to let him in.

“Um, thank you for having me over for dinner, Miss Rhiannon!” he said, wiping his hooves on the welcome mat. “Er, and well, letting me check on Threnody.”

“You didn’t have to check on me,” I replied, shrinking down a little.

“No, I didn’t. But I wanted to. Puddle and Glitter were asking about you at school, by the way.” A tiny blade of guilt shaved another sliver off my heart. “Glitter said she felt bad for not saying anything earlier. And Puddle told me she felt a little guilty for being as direct as she was.”

“I… think she was just the right amount of direct, to be honest,” I admitted, trying hard to not sink into a whirlpool of self-loathing. “I do need to apologise to her for real later.”

Balmy blinked in surprise, then nodded. “I… think she’d like that. Everyone has times when they aren’t their best, but part of being a friend is being willing to talk it out when you feel better. Apologising for hurting your friends when you’re starting to feel better is good.”

“Well said, Balmy. It sounds like somepony’s been paying attention to my lessons,” Rhiannon said from the kitchen.

Balmy blushed. “I… try to, Miss Rhiannon.”

“I think she was saying that for my benefit, Balmy,” I grumbled before grabbing a few plates from Rhiannon’s cupboards. “Um, was school okay for you otherwise?”

“I mean, we had maths,” Balmy said with a wry grin. “You tell me how it went.”

I grimaced. “Well, I mean, I suppose there are probably worse subjects? Maybe?”

“There’s also better ones, too,” he replied, shuffling awkwardly on his hooves. “Uh, do you need any help getting the table set?”

“That’s very kind of you, Balmy, but I think Threnody’s got it,” Rhiannon said as she balanced a steamy pot of couscous on a towel draped over her back. “Though I am glad that you were willing to come over for dinner!”

“Well, mom’s out again. It was between eating alone or with others. I’ll pick others every time.”

I desperately wanted to pick at Balmy saying ‘again,’ and not specified what ‘out’ meant. One look at Rhiannon told me that it probably wasn’t dinnertime conversation. Plus she’d more or less told me to leave heartmending alone for the next few days. But it was so hard not to. A part of me wondered whether or not that was me being a curious little shit, or if that was an innate part of being a heartmender.

“Well, you’re in for a treat! Threnody helped me make couscous for dinner tonight. If I recall correctly, it’s one of your favourites, no?” Rhiannon asked, setting the pot down on the table.

Balmy lit up. “Oh! Yes! I know it’s difficult to make, so we don't make lot of it when the farmers harvest wheat. I always forget what days couscous is made, otherwise I’d keep a bunch at home to make myself.” He grinned as Rhiannon spooned out a heaping pile of the tiny grain and vegetable mixture. “Thank you for the food!”

I’d refrained from scooping up a bite of couscous while helping Rhiannon. But I’d be lying if my mouth hadn’t watered at the scent of so many delicious things from the old world. I could pick out the scent of carrots, what I’d recently learned was onion and… I wanted to say spices? The broth Rhiannon had set to boiling had been fully absorbed by the grain, leaving behind tiny little spheres of tasty happiness.

I did my best not to inhale my plate along with my dinner.

“Please remember to breathe, Threnody!” Rhiannon teased with a touch of alarm in her voice. “And remember to breathe air and not, well, couscous.”

“Sorry… emotionally deep discussions give me an appetite,” I said sheepishly, then made an effort to slow down.

“Mmhmmf,” Balmy mumbled around a mouthful before swallowing. “I’ll eat to that!”

It felt nice having dinner with Rhiannon. I found myself drifting back as she and Balmy talked a bit about his day at school. It made me realise that the last time I’d enjoyed having a meal like this was… well, back in the Heartmender Annex at Star House. It made me miss Slate terribly.

And Sandalwood, too, if I was honest.

“As nice as it was for you to check on me, Miss Rhiannon,” Balmy said, drawing me out of my thoughts. “Couldn’t you just have asked Mr. Vetiver how I was doing?”

Rhiannon hummed slightly. “Oh, I could have. But you’re here, and so is Threnody. Even if at the moment it appears that her attention is on her dinner and not us.”

I paused, spoon halfway to my mouth. “S-sorry. I was… really hungry.”

“Oh, ack,” Rhiannon said, looking flustered. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m glad you’re eating!”

In truth, home-cooked stable food was making it very hard to give in to the voice that said the only control over my life was found in controlling what I ate.

Balmy saved me by speaking up, “I mean, I was just talking about school, Miss Rhiannon. Not anything super important.”

“Does that mean you had something important you wanted to talk about?” Rhiannon asked, looking just a touch devilish.

“I– I… n– no?” Balmy stammered. Good Goddesses above. This boy couldn’t lie his way out of a wet paper bag.

“I thought we weren’t doing heartmending at the dinner table,” I teased. “Or did the no heartmending rule only apply to me, Rhiannon?”

Rhiannon and Balmy exchanged glances, then she chuckled.

“It’s okay to shut off heartmending every now and then, Threnody. Though you’re right. I think that I may have gotten a little ahead of myself in putting Balmy on the spot,” she admitted.

“It’s okay, Miss Rhiannon,” Balmy said. “I– I just…” he trailed off and frowned, his ears drooping. “It’s… hard to talk about?”

I tried to shoot Rhiannon a look that said ‘why are you doing this to me, you know I feel like I have to pick?’ Turns out, it’s really hard to do that when your cheeks are full of couscous, so I probably just ended up glaring at her. The bitch had the audacity to smile serenely at me.

“It’s okay, Balmy, your time will come.”

“ARGH!” I shouted after swallowing. “You can’t do that!” I felt my face light itself on fire as the two of them looked at me dumbfounded. “I’m sorry, I just… I hate hearing something is bothering someone and that I’m not allowed to know. I know it’s super impolite to pick at ponies, but sweet Celestia is it hard to not do that!”

Balmy hid behind a wing. “I’m sorry! I know it’s… probably not easy for you, Threnody. I just…” He trailed off, refusing to meet my gaze.

Rhiannon cleared her throat, catching my attention.

“Balmy, where do you feel your fear?” she asked.

“Feel my fear?”

“Yes, in your body. Where do you feel it?”

Balmy lowered his wing and looked thoughtful a moment before replying.

“My… chest? I guess? And a bit in my throat.” He frowned. “Why do you ask?”

“Do you know why heartmenders sometimes end up with physical scars when we take on too many negative emotions?” she asked.

“Because our bodies end up reacting to the overuse of our inner magic!” I blurted, wanting to sound like I knew the answer. “If we stress ourselves too much, our inner magic is disrupted, and that disruption has to go somewhere, so it hurts us.”

Intellectually, I realised that I was parroting what other heartmenders had told me. They’d learned from experience. Though even as the words left my lips, I began to wonder if maybe that wasn’t the full truth. And why Rhiannon was asking Balmy of all people about heartmender problems.

“Partially true,” Rhiannon said, offering me a gentle smile. “But not the whole truth. Balmy?”

Balmy bit his lip, then looked at me and back to Rhiannon. “I… Are you sure it’s okay?” When Rhiannon nodded, he continued, “Because we hold a lot of feelings in our bodies, and the cost of holding those feelings is remembered. Sure, we use our inner magic to help others, but at the same time, our body remembers where those pains were felt. In our throat, on our back, in the wings, in the chest - it doesn’t matter where really, only that our body does keep score. And… when pressed too much, it can hurt us.”

I stared at the aqua pegasus colt for a solid minute as a miasma of betrayal and frustration coursed over me. I should have known. I knew that Balmy was damnably perceptive, but why did nopony say that he, too, was a heartmender?! Did Rhiannon set us up to meet so he could work with me? Was all of this dinner setup a lie?!

Rhiannon put her hoof down near mine, close enough to draw me out of the whirlpool of angry thoughts.

“For the record, I didn’t think you would go to Balmy when you met Puddle’s friends,” she said in those damn motherly tones. “I’ve been keeping his talent a secret from the Heartmenders. I honestly didn’t expect the two of you to become friends, but I am glad you did. But! I didn’t set you up. You asked if he wanted to skip class with you, remember?”

“I, um, also haven’t mentioned my special talent to anypony but Miss Rhiannon and Mr. Vetiver,” Balmy said softly. “Please don’t tell the others, I don’t want them to think differently of me. Well, to have another reason to think differently of me.”

I sighed. “Sorry, I… get it. Well, no, actually I don’t. Why hide the fact that you’re a heartmender?”

“I wanted Balmy to have a fairly normal upbringing, and to let him grow up without the idea that his special talent is all that he is,” Rhiannon replied for Balmy. “There’s more to me and to you and to Balmy than just being a heartmender. I… hate to say it Threnody, but often it feels like you think heartmending is all there is to you. You are so much more than that.”

Like what? I thought bitterly, fighting down the urge to throw the empty platitude back in her face.

“Plus, it’s hard when you feel things more deeply than your friends do,” Balmy admitted. “Well, maybe not more deeply, but… you understand things better and the emotional dynamics better between your friends than they ever will. I… have had a hard time trying to adjust to that. I feel kinda lonely about it, to be honest. Just because it’s so gosh darn hard to not get locked into the idea that the best thing I can do for my friends is to help them.”

Yet again, I found what he was saying to be painfully relatable.

“Because like, to be real?” Balmy continued. “Being a heartmender is just my special talent. It doesn’t take away my love for flowers. Or my dream to explore the surface and get along with the pegasus ponies in the wasteland. But… it’s also sometimes hard to not just… focus on that as the only relevant thing about me. That it’s the only thing that makes me stand out when really, me being me makes me stand out. If that makes any sense.”

I frowned. It did make sense. It also felt so… foreign. Like something that I had dreamed about having, but never was given the chance to have. Ever since I got my cutie mark, I’d been Threnody, Heartmender. That was it. Not Threnody, the book lover. Not Threnody, the filly who hides a massive sweet tooth. Just… the Heartmender.

“No, that makes sense, Balmy. I just never really had that option. All of me is about heartmending. And I feel like I have little space left to do– be anything else,” I admitted. It hurt to do so.

“Threnody, I hear the pain in your voice when you say that. Where do you feel that pain in your body?” Rhiannon asked.

I swallowed as I did something I so rarely did: listen to my body. The pain was an old pain, one that liked to sit at the base of my breast, right between the points of my shoulders, and radiated up to my throat latch. And the more I listened, the more pain came to the fore; it also hurt a little on lower lids of my eyes, and I admitted as much to Rhiannon and Balmy.

“But why are you asking me that? Why would where it hurts matter?” I asked. “I mean, I feel that pain a lot. It’s like asking about the pain I have along my wing joints, or in my spine. Those are just things that always hurt, and have hurt for longer than I can remember.”

“Well, in theory, Threnody, they aren’t supposed to hurt at your age. Some of it may have to do with your health. But like Balmy said earlier, a lot of a heartmender’s scars come from the pain — both our pain and that of others — that we hold in our bodies. The use of our inner magic is part of what causes our injuries, but the score our body keeps also determines that,” Rhiannon explained. She cocked her head to the side, one ear skewed flat with her skull. “I think I may have someone I want you to meet tomorrow. Honestly, I’d rather not have a heartmending session with both of you at the same time,” she said with a smirk. “But I want you both to think about where you end up feeling different emotions. One of the most important things you can learn as a young heartmender is how to listen to your body.”

The rest of dinner was uneventful. Or maybe it just seemed uneventful because I honestly checked out a bit, thinking about Rhiannon’s words. I barely remember bidding Balmy goodnight when he left, and felt a touch guilty that I hadn’t been more attentive. But, in truth, what Rhiannon had been saying about how a pony’s body keeps an emotional score resonated with me. It mirrored what the older heartmenders said, but there was a nuance to it that Rhiannon had that… well, none of the other heartmenders had. Sure, they’d hinted at the emotion-body connection, but it was always a sort of taboo subject. Heartmenders never talked about their own scars with other heartmenders beyond sterile, clinical evaluations.

Which got me thinking as I lay awake, staring at my room’s leafy ceiling. Maybe we were supposed to share our scars. Or at least talk about how we got them? Some ponies only had scars you could see when you looked into their eyes, but heartmenders? We wore those scars on our hides.

It was hard for me to hide the river system of scars on my back when I wasn’t wearing a duster or barding. Slate couldn’t hide the burn scar-like wounds on his neck. And after working with Blackjack, Willow Glen had a set of scars that looked like flowering vines that ran from her cheek down her neck to her shoulder.

Did that mean that we were doing too much? Were the Heartmenders trying too hard to fix the wasteland at the cost of their own health? It didn’t seem right to think of it that way. But, then again, even Blackjack had told me that I wasn’t expendable. Even though every experience I could bring to mind for my entire life seemed to be evidence that I was. Was the same true for every heartmender?

I didn’t know the answer, and trying to come up with one just gave me a headache. I shook my head, and rolled over, pulling Scootaloo tight between my forelegs. I’d thought enough for a day. Hopefully sleep would give my mind some rest.

I became aware of sitting on a tall granite prominence, staring out over a wind tossed ocean. Waves beat against the rocks below, but I felt strangely calm sitting on my precarious perch. The wind howled around me, the biting breeze trying to tear through my coat. I could hear the sound of rain approaching, though the cold droplets hadn’t yet reached my hide.

Yet amidst the tempest, I felt calm. I was safe where I was, and though the wind and rain could beat against me, it wasn’t anything I hadn’t weathered before. I looked to my right, and realised I wasn’t alone!

Blackjack sat next to me, brows furrowed in thought, before she turned to me.

“Storm’s coming, Threnody. Are you ready for it?”

T-minus 14 Days

Author's Note

Yay! New Chapter!