Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak
Chapter 22: Hope is Hard of Hearing

“I know I’m not well, but I’m alright.”

T-Minus 13 Days

Rhiannon let me sleep until ten the next morning. Bless her. She was waiting with breakfast when I emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered and feeling... Well, not energetic, but no longer like I hauled my fetid carcass out of a shallow grave.

Most ponies, and well, other beings wake up chipper and ready to greet the day. These creatures are called ‘morning people.’ They are a blight upon society as a whole. The rest wake up slowly, and generally should only be spoken to after a cup of coffee and a sit.

Me? I wake up dead. Force me out of bed on a normal day — when I’m not waking up in a panic — and it’d take me a good fifteen minutes before I recall the ins-and-outs of complex machines — like spoons. And even then it’s an even bet as to whether or not I’d fall asleep in the cold, unyielding embrace of a dinner plate. Though, I’ve found that toast makes at least a passable place to put my head in a pinch.

That morning, Rhiannon had the common decency to let me finish some reheated couscous before trying to speak to me.

“Threnody, there’s someplace I’d like to show you today,” she said, taking my plate after I’d finished.

“Uh, sure?” I mumbled, getting up from the low table. “Where are we going?”

She made some sort of facial expression and may have said something. But since my breakfast hadn’t settled in my stomach yet, I didn’t have the mental energy to lay down any firm memories until I’d already left the house.

The next thing I remember, I was following Rhiannon zombie-like as she led me through the orchards. As I looked around blearily, as if newly aware of my surroundings, I noted several trees had started to bear fruits and the fields were thick with vegetables; red and orange peeked through lush, verdant green, while bulbous gourds swelled on the ground. Somehow, seeing that made the artificial sunlight feel all the more real. Then we passed through the wide open grain fields, and Rhiannon waved to a group of Buffalo children who played there.

“Do you know why the Buffalo and Cervydarians were included in Stable 9, Threnody?” she asked, lowering her head.

I quirked an eyebrow at her. “Um, I assumed because Stable 9 was supposed to have representatives of all of the races of Equestria.”

“That’s a story the Overmares and Oversires have shared for generations,” she explained, her voice soft. “But the truth is, that wasn’t the case at inception. The true experiment of this stable was to see whether or not believing in the powers of friendship could save the ponies.”

The weight of Rhiannon’s final word hit me, and I flinched. Ponies. To save ponies; only ponies. No Zebras. No Buffalo. No Gryphons. No Cervydarians. Just the ponies.

And yet, in spite of that lie, Stable 9 had thrived.

“So… if it was supposed to just save ponies — which I think is a terribly cruel plan, by the way — why is the stable so diverse?” I asked. “I mean, it sounds like the first overmare thought it was wrong to leave them outside to die.”

Rhiannon chuckled as she led me up and out of the fields. There was a set of stone stairs that had been cut into the basalt walls of the stable. They extended upwards in a lazy spiral. As we ascended, the magical lights of the cavern that held the fields gave way to the softer glows of luminescent fungi and lichens that grew along the walls.

“You know, that’s it exactly,” Rhiannon said, spewing the words with enough vehemence that even my dulled empathic senses picked up on the geyser of anger. “And all throughout the building process, the first overmare had argued for allowing everyone inside. It didn’t matter if they were ponies or Zebras. Buffalo or Deer. Gryphons or Yaks. All should have been taken in because Equestria was always made of more than just ponies.

She turned her head, “I know, at least from what Sandalwood told me, that you grew up in a library. How much of Equestria’s history do you know?”

I bit my lip as I thought about it. “I mean, I know bits and pieces. History books were hard to find. And so many were… heavily edited by the Ministry of Image. I know that ponies once came from a land far from here. That we claimed Equestria after defeating the Windigos on the first Hearth’s Warming.”

“Interesting language you used there, isn’t it?” Rhiannon asked as she continued up the stairs. “Claimed. It is such a strange concept, don’t you think? We focussed so much on what was ‘ours’ versus ‘theirs’ that we didn’t think about things like sharing. Ponies spread across Equestria, even going so far as to rename this continent Equestria in the first place. Because we were ponies, and this was our new home!” She shook her head. “Do you know what Equestria was called before we settled here?”

“Uh… I vaguely remember reading a Hearth’s Warming story. Something about the earth ponies wanting to call it Dirtville, but I doubt that’s right,” I admitted.

Rhiannon chuckled. “I suppose it depends on who you ask. To the Cervydarians, it was Cervydaria Illahee. The Buffalo called it the Great Stampeding Ground. What was it called before the Cervydarians and the Buffalo lived here? Who knows. We, ponies, sure moved in like we owned the place, however.

“But others lived here,” she insisted. “The Buffalo and the Cervydarians had always lived here, in the plains and forests. The Yaks had always kept to the far north. So in our rush to claim everything from the Sparkling Sea to the Celestia Ocean, we forgot that maybe we needed to remember that sharing was an important part of friendship. So ponies found themselves fighting with the Buffalo because they forgot to ask where the stampeding grounds were. They cut into forests that were held sacred by the Cervydarians. I think in a lot of ways, our clumsiness with those around us led us to blow up the world. Not just ours.”

I lay my ears back as Rhiannon slowly fumed, then said, “I… don’t know what you want me to say.”

She let out a sigh. “No, of course not,” she said gently. “Sorry, I knew that this conversation was going to be a struggle for me.”

“For you?”

“Yes, for me.”

Rhiannon stopped us at the top of the stone stairs. The tunnel ahead curved gently upward, though it didn’t look like anypony — or anyone — had carved the tunnel! Rather it almost felt like I was walking through the veins of Mount Hoof itself.

“Um, can I ask why?” I said after a moment, trying to catch my breath as my body angrily informed me that cardio was not even in my deck of cards, let alone my strong suit.

Rhiannon sat down on her haunches and hung her head.

“To be honest?” she pondered. “Because it bothers me how much I feel like Equestria still hasn’t learned from its past mistakes. It took us over two hundred years for the Lightbringer to open up the sky. And even now, we’re still a broken, divided, paranoid people. We have the Family to the north to deal with, and the remnants of the Steel Rangers in the Hoove. Meanwhile, the Wolves refuse to share space with us in the Stable because they feel tainted by the hate they have for their former brothers and sisters.

“And that’s just up here,” she continued, “in the northwest of Equestria. From what I hear, the south fares no better. The NCR and the New Lunar Commonwealth have put up borders and refuse to cooperate. Refuse to share what resources they have. Fear what the Other may be doing. That isn’t to say that a little fear isn’t healthy: it keeps us from getting hurt. But the amount of fear and distrust that exists in Equestria today does not give me much hope for the future.”

“So, I hate to point this out to you,” I cut in with a frown, “but this isn’t something we can fix overnight. It’d take an army of heartmenders and several decades to try to get ponies to listen to reason, and uh… last I checked there’s fourteen of us. And Heartshine and the others have been trying hard to get the various pony factions to talk to each other but… getting them to the table at all is kind of a chore. The Followers are at least somewhat respected in the NLC, but our neutrality means that we’re not allowed a seat at the Council. Probably because the pony in charge of the Collegiate hates the fact that we’ll offer help to anyone that needs it.”

Now it was Rhiannon’s turn to frown. “I hadn’t realised that was why the Followers weren’t taking stances on the… disagreements that the NCR and the NLC have been having of late.”

I perked my ears up. “Disagreements? What do you mean?”

“Apparently the NCR has lost a few border towns to the NLC. The Commonwealth claims that the towns joined because the Commonwealth offered better resources and protection. The Republic says it is nothing short of an annexation of territory. What’s more distressing is that DJ Pon3 has been oddly… silent about this. Usually he’s rather vocal about trying to work things out. But of late the radio stations from Manehattan have just been playing music. Non-stop.”

I wracked my brain as I tried to remember what Littlepip had said about Homage and the others. Something about a dead zone.

“That’s… not good,” I said, feeling a frisson of fear run through me. “Ah fuck, what have I been missing by uh…” Being an emotional little shit. “Working on fixing myself?”

“Nothing that can’t wait until you’ve made progress on that front,” Rhiannon replied, a wry grin on her muzzle. “Besides, I think this is a little bigger than us right now.” She shifted on her haunches, like how she was sitting was just a touch uncomfortable. Or maybe it was where she was sitting. The ground was kinda lumpy.

Oh, goddesses. This was going to be a Blackjack-tier problem.

“Uh… Should I be heading back to the Hoof?” I asked, trying desperately to rein in my anxiety.

Rhiannon shook her head. “Look, this was my bad that I brought it up at all. Cooler heads will likely prevail in this. And if they don’t, I’m sure that the Lightbringer will bring fire to them until they do.”

I wasn’t sure I agreed with Rhiannon’s assessment of the situation, but from what I’d heard about Littlepip, the latter option didn’t sound entirely out of character.

“So… where are we going?” I asked as Rhiannon got back up to all fours. “The part of me that likes open spaces is getting more upset the farther we go through these tunnels.”

“I hate to answer your question with a question, but what do you know of the spirits?” she asked as we started our walk again along the smooth basalt.

That question set me back. While Rhiannon and I had discussed my encounters with Guardian the day before, I wasn’t expecting her to ask me what I knew about spirits. Or think of that encounter I'd had with them as anything but weird.

“Uh… well, until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know they were actually a thing that existed. I knew that it was something very important to the few Zebras I’d met, and that ponies have always looked at the idea of spirits as more… beliefs? Yeah, I’d say more like they were beliefs than anything tangible,” I admitted. “Though after meeting Guardian and well, Dealer, I… don’t even know anymore.”

“That’s fair,” Rhiannon replied with a chuckle. “I felt the same way until I had a very long conversation with Snow Berry.”

That name rang a bell in my head. Hadn’t Solidarity mentioned her before?

“Was she friends with Solidarity’s wife?”

“That’s right! I’m surprised he said anything about that,” Rhiannon replied, sounding impressed.

A small part of me danced inside my head. I was doing good at talking!

“But she and Clarinet were close, yes. She’s the shaman for the Cervydarians here, and she’s been kind enough to explain to my pony brain the connections that the Zebras, Buffalo, and Cervydarians have with the spirits. And more specifically, which ones they have ties with.”

“There’s more than one?”

“So they tell me,” Rhiannon said, helping me to my hooves. “But Snow Berry’s home isn’t much farther. I’ll let her explain when we get there.”

She led me through the basalt tunnel until it opened into a broad cavern. The ceiling of the southern half had collapsed, allowing light to spill in from the outside. A massive waterfall cascaded down from the peak above as the sun warmed what I assumed was a glacier, filling the room with a cool mist. Water flowed around a rise in the middle of the cavern, creating a small island on which several large oaks grew. From there, it flowed down into another tunnel, much like the one Rhiannon and I had just traveled through.

The presence of the oak trees startled me. With how little light they could get and the hard volcanic floor, they shouldn’t be growing there! But in spite of any common sense, they grew and apparently thrived in the hollow of the mountain. Grass and moss grew at the base of the trees, making me wonder just what was happening to cause that grove to, well, exist.

Rhiannon stopped at the edge of the stream that rippled around the island, and turned her head to look at me.

“Do you feel it?” she asked, pawing lightly at the ground in front of her.

“Feel what?”

What was I supposed to feel? Was there something out there? Something dangerous?!

“Close your eyes, spread your wings, and try to feel like you’re sensing someone’s pain,” Rhiannon suggested gently. “I know you said your sense of empathy has been dulled since the Red Forest, but I want you to try.”

I frowned, but did as I was told. Closing my eyes and spreading my wings, I tried to feel for the flow of emotions that swirled around all living creatures. To my surprise, I could feel something. Or rather, I could feel the flow of… the water in the stream? I opened my eyes to make sure I hadn’t accidentally fallen into the cold-looking water. I hadn’t, but the sensation of the water flow as it curved around the island in the cavern and out the southern side lingered.

“I… what?”

Rhiannon smiled at me. “Just out of curiosity, what do you feel?”

“The water. I… can feel it flowing around that island,” I said, staring down at the stream. “What’s going on? I’ve never been able to feel water before, and I still can’t really feel you.”

“According to Snow Berry, the barrier between the hidden world and ours is thin here. For heartmenders, it’s easier to feel the magic that flows through the world in ways we don’t expect. Even from here, I can feel through my hooves the deep magic that causes the plants to grow on the other side of the stream. So if you’re willing to step into the eventide realm, let’s go.”

Any time magic or spirits came up in my life, I felt vastly out of my depth. I was a pegasus. We did flying things. And while I was also a heartmender, anything dealing with magic that didn’t involve emotions was one of those fields I’d tried to relegate to unicorns. But Rhiannon apparently thought this would be good for me, so I took a step into the stream.

The icy water sent a shiver from my hooves up to the back of my neck.

“It’s cold!” I whined.

“I mean, it’s coming down from the underside of a glacier. I’m… not sure what you expected,” Rhiannon replied, clearly trying to suppress a chuckle as she crossed the stream.

I grumbled, then fluttered over the stream to the other side. The instant my hooves touched the loamy soil of the oak island, I started to sense that life was all around me. I didn’t have a good explanation. Just... most living things would give off emotional energy of some sort, and heartmenders would be able to feel that. What was weird was that the entire island was brimming with it!

Or rather... What felt strange was that I could feel the energy of things like the trees and the moss. It was honestly overwhelming.

“Why am things feel?” I stammered, struggling with the assault to my senses, dulled for the better part of the last three weeks. It was like when your limb had fallen asleep, and suddenly all the sensations would come back. At once. But instead of it being focussed on my right foreleg cause I was laying on it weird, it was my... everything!

“I told you, you’re in a place that exists between the material and the world of magic,” Rhiannon said. “For ponies like us, and other creatures that sense such things, this place will heighten your ability to feel that which is alive around you. But come along, Snow Berry’s home is just ahead,” Rhiannon said, leading me into the island’s grove.

The ring of oaks hid a massive, flowering cherry tree that reminded me of the Library Oak. Had the Cervydarians helped shape the library as well as this tree? The soft scent of cherry blossoms filled the air as Rhiannon knocked on the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something moving. I froze as I tried to catch a glimpse of whatever it had been, but blinked when it looked like nothing was there.

Reaching out with my senses, I felt the bubbly energy of… something. Whatever it was, it was laughing at me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

The door opened, revealing a white doe with pale blue eyes.

“Ah, Rhiannon! Welcome. This must be the young heartmender you told me about?” the doe asked, looking me up and down. “Please come on in!”

“Actually, I have a meeting with Solidarity and the Wolves that I need to get to, Snow. I was hoping you’d be able to talk with Threnody for a while?” Rhiannon asked.

My ears wilted as I got the distinct sensation that I was about to be foisted upon someone. I didn’t need a foalsitter… Bad thoughts, Threnody.

“I think I can look after one pegasus filly for the afternoon,” Snow Berry said with a delicate smile. “If anything, I’m sure she and I will have much to talk about.”

“Sorry for getting in the way of you doing your job, Rhiannon,” I said sheepishly. “I know you’ve been having to give me a lot of extra attention of late.”

Rhiannon shook her head. “No, it’s me who needs to apologize. I need to speak to Solidarity about that mysterious mare you brought here with you, and it can’t wait, unfortunately. Otherwise I would have loved staying here with you.”

“I promise that Autumn Harvest — my daughter — and I don’t bite,” Snow Berry added. “And I always love being able to chat with heartmenders. It’s been so long since Stable 9 has had a heartmender who was Cervydarian. But, as we are all one herd here, having any at all is a blessing.”

I nodded, bid Rhiannon farewell, and entered into Snow Berry’s home. Like the library oak, the cherry tree was hollow on the inside, but the heartwood appeared to be thriving, even after being shaped into a kitchen, a living area, and what appeared to be a second floor that grew in above us. I seriously needed to get someone to grow me a house. Sweet Luna.

“I just put on a kettle for tea. Would you like a cup?” Snow Berry asked. “You can take a seat over by the table by the way. And don’t mind Autumn, she’s busy playing house at the moment.”

I looked over toward a corner that was carved out beneath the cherry house’s stairwell, where a small spotted fawn with bright green eyes played quietly with a child-sized tea set. I felt myself smiling at the scene until I noticed that the fox she was ‘serving tea’ to was watching me. And that, seated opposite at the table, was the Dealer.

“The hell?!” I shouted, backing away slowly from the dusty old bastard. “What is he doing here?”

Snow Berry looked at me, then over at her daughter and Dealer. She let out a sigh.

“Autumn, is Huey playing cowpony again?” she asked.

The Dealer let out an ominous chuckle as Autumn looked at him, then nodded to her mother.

“Yep! He said it was cause he wanted to see if miss Threnody could still see him!” The fawn smiled warmly at me. “And it looks like she can! Yay!” She offered a hoof to Dealer, who returned the hoof bump.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

“So, uh, fun fact,” I stammered, “this guy’s some sort of all-powerful menace in my life and now you know that, uh, hell, are you okay with your daughter playing with him? And more importantly, why can both of you see him?” I asked, my calm having just taken critical damage.

“Because he’s one of the Hidden, and I am a shaman, as is my daughter,” Snow Berry explained calmly as if that was supposed to mean anything, setting down a teacup filled with a spicy scented tea. “What’s interesting to me is that you can see him, and Rhiannon cannot. I take it you can see Kajortoq as well?”

“She can see me,” the fox purred in a soft alto voice. “More’s the pity. I was hoping to observe her a while longer before I had to speak.”

“Can one of you explain what is going on?” I asked, looking between the fox and the doe, before pointing at Dealer. “Except you. No words from you. You just stay there and be creepy.”

“Well that’s a might unkind of ya, Threnody. An’ after all we been through!” Dealer said, putting a hoof over where his heart would have been if he wasn't a shrivelled up ghoul. Still, he sounded, in his own creepy way, wounded.

“Well, in that dead cowpony getup, you are a bit creepy looking, Huehuecoyotl,” the fox shot back. “But shush, let’s let Snow Berry say her piece before we butt in and scare the poor filly half to death.”

I glanced back at Snow Berry as the doe added two lumps of sugar and a splash of milk to my tea.

“Kajortoq and Huehuecoyotl are both spirits of the Hidden. You’ve met two other hidden spirits, though one I’m afraid is not themselves. Nanuk would likely feel a bit of shame for how he treated you and your friends, but his heart is still hurting after what the Great War did to the land,” Snow Berry explained. “And you also met Guardian, she who protects the forests. I thank you for helping her see that she needs to help the forest heal.”

“I… didn’t do anything.” I stammered. It felt super uncomfortable having credit for something that Guardian realised on her own being placed on my shoulders. Goddesses, as if I didn’t have enough problems!

“I just wanted my friend back, and… I think she took my empathy away from me. Before today, I thought I was going to be a heartmender who can’t heartmend!” I cried. “Now I don’t know what I am! And apparently I see spirits now! This was not something I could do before!”

“I can tell you that we did not take away your ability to see into the hearts of others,” the fox said, getting up from where she sat next to Autumn, slinking over to Snow Berry. “The Hidden do not censor like the Anima. We watch. We wait. We help if we can. We do nothing if we cannot. But we do not take what is not freely given. It is not our way.” The fox’s amber eyes burned into me as she coiled herself around Snow Berry’s neck.

“I... okay, so this is kind of a lot, but… Anima? Censored? I don’t know what these things mean. But you’re saying the reason I haven’t been able to feel things lately isn’t because of Guardian? That she didn’t take my empathy? Then… why can’t I feel?” I dug my hooves into my temples. “This doesn’t make any sense.”

“By working with the one called the Maiden of the Stars, you became spirit-touched,” the fox called Kajor-whatever said. “That you have tried to mend her heart has brought you the attention of both the Anima — the spirits of the physical world — and us, the Hidden, the spirits of the world between.” The fox explained. “This is not the first time a pony who has been in contact with the Maiden has been connected to the spirits in this way, but it is the first time that one of your kind has touched the Hidden. Normally the sons and daughters of magic do not sense us beyond a vague understanding of our presence, and even then only in a limited way. The fact that you can see us proves you are spirit-touched. That you touched us back is… highly unusual.”

“What Kajortoq is trying to say,” Snow Berry chimed in, “is that you’ve accidentally stumbled into something most ponies never see. Which I feel is why Rhiannon wished for me to speak with you. Though, for the sake of being candid, I am not sure how I feel about a spirit-touched pony heartmender. This feels wrong on several levels.”

Oh. Good. Not only was I an extremely fucked up pony, I was apparently a freakazoid as well! Fucking wonderful!

“Ah, but it’s good fun, isn’t it?” Dealer asked. I looked over at him, as his voice had lost its bone dry gravel for a more youthful tenor. “The whole bet with the Maiden of the Stars was brilliant! It still cracks me up that she managed to destroy the Eater of Souls!”

Kajortoq sighed from her perch around Snow Berry’s shoulders. “Huey, can you please change back to your normal form? I can’t take you seriously when you look like… him.”

The Dealer did something I didn’t think possible: he pouted. “Oh fine then. Be that way,” he said, before shifting in the blink of an eye to a small canid with mirthful yellow eyes. “Is this better?”

“Yay! You’re back to normal Huey!” Autumn exclaimed, throwing her forelegs around the doglike creature. “And it’s probably better this way, so Kaja doesn’t try to steal your tail like she did to Amaroq that one time!”

Snow Berry chuckled as Kajortoq lay her ears back. Tail theft? What? And just who the hell was Amaroq?

Not-Dealer tilted his head, before extricating himself from the fawn and giving a slight bow.

“Since my fun disguise has been so artfully ruined by my friends who have no sense of humour, I suppose proper introductions are in order. Alas, I am not the Dealer your friend Blackjack met, for I am not the spirit of the wasteland. Rather I am he who laughs and tricks and brings joy to those he likes and misery to those he does not. A conniving connoisseur of chaos and charm who colourfully cares and charismatically commits commendable crusades of cheer and cacophony to create cavalier new communities. Or quite simply you can call me Coyote. Or Huey, if you prefer.”

Well, the days of my life not being a clusterfuck were certainly coming to a middle.

“I… what?” I managed, staring at Coyote, or Huey, or whatever. “Why?”

Huey laughed. “Because it’s fun. Because you are fun, and because you have a delightfully chaotic energy about you that I don’t think you realise you possess. And if you’re asking why I chose to show up as the Dealer, well… because who doesn’t enjoy a bit of shenanigans in their life, and because I am a bit of an asshole.”

I couldn’t disagree with him on the last bit.

“You bring change to those around you. You do it in ways that others sometimes don’t expect. You try to do good. You’re also kind of an idiot,” he continued. “So when I realised you’d been spirit-touched by trying to help The Bigger Idiot, I figured you might need some… guidance. So congratulations! You are the lucky recipient of a spirit guide! Please do not resist.”

“Huey, she has no idea what you’re talking about,” Snow Berry muttered as Autumn giggled in the corner.

“Oh I’m aware. It’s much more fun this way.”

Snow Berry sighed, then nudged the teacup my way. “Your tea is getting cold,” she said, shaking her head and taking a sip of her own tea. “Let me try to explain.”

I took the nudged teacup and took a sip. Blech, lukewarm leaf juice. I let myself settle down across the table from Snow Berry as she began.

“Long before ponies ever walked this land, we walked with the spirits that lived here. We, Cervydarians, were the children of the forest, as our cousins the Buffalo were the children of the plains. We lived and thrived and understood that the physical world was shadowed by the hidden world — the world of the spirits. On some days, the spirits were able to pass through the cracks between worlds and walk with us. Our shamans were able to see them, learn from them, and become friends with them. This is the way it has always been.

“Then one day the Buffalo began to notice that there were two kinds of spirits: those that walked with us, and those that found themselves bound by rules of the material world. We asked them their names, and those that walked with us called themselves ‘the Hidden.’ Those that were bound by rules and laws called themselves ‘the Anima.’ The children of the forest found the ways of the Anima to be too fickle and confusing to deal with, and as such devoted their time to learning of the Hidden. The Zebras, in their homeland, bound themselves to the Anima. The Buffalo often walked the middle path between both. But to clarify, the spirits you have been encountering have all been Hidden. The ones Blackjack is accustomed to dealing with were the Anima. The difference is that the Anima come from this world and are tied to the material. The Hidden live in what we call the Hidden World,what some have speculated to be the source of all magic on Equus.”

“Okay, so… two kinds of spirits. I think I follow. I think I get that he...” I said pointing to Coyote, “isn’t the same Dealer that Blackjack dealt with. But I’m not sure I understand what spirit-touched means, and I definitely am not seeing the connection between that and me losing my empathy.”

Snow Berry chuckled. “I don’t think you, yourself, have completely lost your empathy for others, Threnody. Though your senses are dulled, that I figure would have more to do with your own internal turmoil than anything to do with Guardian or the other Hidden. When was the last time you tried to ground yourself and let the emotions of others go?”

“I-” I stopped, realising I wasn’t sure when the last time was. Oh fuck. I was the worst heartmender! “Uh…”

The doe clicked her tongue. “Mayhap your issues are related to well, you, and not intervention from those that seek to walk with you?”

I sheepishly took another sip of my tea to avoid answering what was clearly a rhetorical question. The tea was mildly sweet, but still tasted like hot leaf juice. Bleh.

“To answer your question about being spirit-touched, it means that because you’ve been around the Maiden of the Stars, your life has-”

“What it means,” Huey butted in, “is that you light up like a Hearth’s Warming Tree to us. Normally you ponies go about doing your magic and, well, you used to do the whole friendship thing but that sorta stopped when you blew up the world, but the point is normally you don’t bother us so we don’t see a point in contacting you. But you! You’re basically wearing a sign that says ‘I hang around cursed ponies and try to fix them!’, and since the last time that happened the Anima got to the pony first, I wanted to step in before they could.”

“Okay, but why?” I asked, not following. “Did something go wrong for the pony that talked with the Anima? Was it that bad?”

Huey rolled onto his back and started laughing, earning a glare from Snow Berry and Kajortoq.

“Let’s just say that the other friend of Blackjack who began to meddle with the Anima didn’t seem to understand that she was running around with a promissory note from step-mommy,” he said after a moment of composing himself. “But that’s a story for another time. I claimed you first, so the Anima will leave you alone. It’s like I licked you and now your mother will never take you back!”

"Took your sweet time, it's a bit late for that," I muttered darkly.

“There, there, it’s all better now! You’ll learn you can create your own family if your given family sucks. And now those weird spirits won’t bother you! Plus, you get your own spirit guide to occasionally pop in, offer advice, and remind you to unclench your fucking jaw.”

I blinked at him a moment, then realised I had been holding my jaw rather tightly. Owowowowow relaxation hurt!

“There, you see, I’m already providing useful guidance. Now just give me your soul and-”

“Huey,” Kajortoq growled. “I’m developing a hunger that only tails can satisfy.”

“Oh no.”

“So maybe stop being a creep and let Snow Berry handle this, okay?” the fox said, giving Coyote a lazy look.

Snow Berry serenely sipped her tea. “If you two are done?”

Kajortoq and Huey both lay back their ears and hushed themselves.

“Do you have any questions, Threnody? I realise that this has probably been a lot for you, and these two aren’t really helping,” Snow Berry said, shaking her head in mock disappointment.

To be honest, I was mostly just overwhelmed. Magic was already outside my comfort zone, so adding spirits into the mix was just making my head spin. Also my jaw hurt from me unclenching it, and honestly I would have killed for coffee and not tea.

“I… honestly don’t know what to even ask,” I admitted. “This is kind of a lot, and like… you’re so blasée about stuff that has honestly been freaking me out and making me think I’m losing it for the past few months.” Oh goddesses it had been months! “I-I don’t know.”

“To be blunt, you’d be blasée about it if you’d been born a Cervydarian, but-”

“But I’m just a dumb fucking pegasus, I get it! Nothing I haven’t heard before!” I snapped. Anger roiled underneath my hide as I prepared myself for the inevitable tirade that usually followed that ‘but.’

Yet Snow Berry remained silent, merely tilting her head at me.

“Language,” Huey chided.

Snow Berry raised an eyebrow, then got to her hooves. “Let’s walk through the grove.” she said, nodding toward the door. “Kajortoq, Huey, watch Autumn please.”

I shoved the angry maelstrom down and followed Snow Berry out of her home. I was beginning to feel real dumb because I’d just bitten someone’s head off by overreacting. But I’d gotten so accustomed to shit being flung my way that anyone pointing out I was a pegasus was a real sore spot for me.

“What I was going to say was that I understood how this could be overwhelming,” Snow Berry said as she led me down to the stream. “It’s for this reason that I’ve never attempted to explain the nature of the Hidden to Rhiannon, or any of the other ponies for that matter. Not that they aren’t curious, but rather that for many it is hard to believe in things they cannot see.” She gave me a sidelong glance. “However, the anger you felt trying to preempt what I was going to say? This I understand.”

I tilted my head to the side. “How so?”

“I have found that it is very easy to feel isolated when one feels like they are ‘the other’ in a group. And fawns and foals both have a propensity for cruelty that can cut very deeply,” she said, her eyes on the swiftly flowing water. “While the Cervydarians all feel a connection with the Hidden, not all of us can see them. If you think that didn’t make me feel out of place with my friends, or my peers for that matter, you’d be quite wrong.”

“Well, it’s not just that,” I admitted. “The Pegasi have been dicks out in the wasteland for generations now. I used to get crap for it all the time, even though I was born down here,” I spat bitterly. “I got all sorts of shit because ponies couldn’t understand that I’m not like that! That I have never even been to the Enclave, and that they’d probably see me as ‘impure’ because my mom is a unicorn. Like, I get it. I get their anger, and don’t blame them for it, but goddesses it sucks.”

“Ah, I see. So you dislike seeing the sins of others heaped upon you?”

I frowned. I wasn’t sure I would have put it that way, but it would be nice to not be judged for the fact that I had wings, and ponies who looked like me did terrible things.

“There’s a lot of things I wish I could change,” I said. “I… have the hope that if I had been born up there, I’d have the courage to be a Dashite. To stand up for what I believed in, even if it cost me everything. But… I also know that I didn’t grow up in the clouds. I just am a pegasus, and while that’s not the whole of me, it’s… often what others choose to see. And after a while, I’ve kinda gotten… callous, I guess? So if someone says I wouldn’t understand, I-”

I paused as I realised that being a pegasus wasn’t the only part of me that I had issues with… I felt like sometimes the only thing other ponies saw me as was a pegasus, or a heartmender. Heck, I’d gotten so used to being called ‘Heartmender’ that it really drove home that my talent was the only thing that mattered to those around me.

“I guess I don’t understand as well as I’d like to,” I admitted. “And I think I get kinda wrapped up in my own head a lot, which probably doesn’t help.”

Snow Berry clicked her tongue. “It sounds like you hold onto a lot of anger.”

I let out a bitter laugh.

“Oh, just a bit!”

“Perhaps you need to practice letting that go as well,” Snow Berry said bluntly. “I know that heartmenders often have a metaphor for the emotions they sense in others. What is yours?”

I cocked my head to the side.

“Uh, water? I guess?”

“Step into the stream. Then ground yourself. You mentioned that you have not practiced this in some time, yes?”

I hadn’t, but that water was fucking cold.

“I… but it’s cold!”

“If you wish to get your empathy back, step into the stream.”

Oh boy I love the stream! I love cold water! Anything to get my senses back! Sure, having my senses back would mean others could use me as their personal waste receptacle for their negative emotions, but at least I could feel it coming!

By the way did I mention the stream was really fucking cold!?

The water flowed around my hooves like icy tendrils. I focussed my mind on the fact that the frogs of my hooves were very, very upset with me.

“Focus on my voice,” Snow Berry said gently. “Now close your eyes, and I want you to picture a sieve at your pasterns. Then I want you to filter all those feelings you’ve been carrying through those sieves. Let them flow out if those emotions are not yours. Capture them if they belong to you.”

Grounding exercises are always a bit strange for heartmenders. There’s a mental component to it, as well as an emotional one. Honestly, it was kind of nice that Snow Berry was leading me through it, as I’d never been as good at it alone. Because we need to let go of the baggage of others. And… I’d been carrying a lot.

A lot, lot.

Images flashed through my mind as I let those feelings flow into the water. I spread my wings without thinking about it, helping me focus on what was mine and what wasn’t. Goddesses that was a lot of Blackjack I was holding onto.

“Now, I want you to shake those sieves, and let out the anger as well.”

Images of Fold flashed through my mind as I tried to let my anger with myself go. Flashes of ponies I’d failed. Flashes of sessions where I knew I could have helped more, but didn’t push enough with a client. Rage at the things that had happened to me. Irritation with Bubblegum for being such a huge doofus. Resentment of Sandalwood and the Heartmenders for making me handle so many things by myself. Vexation with myself because I couldn’t tell who I liked and who I didn’t and, goddesses, if kissing fillies didn’t fill me with annoyance with myself for liking it.

The water began to warm around me as I let things go. Then, it got hot. Really hot.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow!” I cried, fluttering up out of the water as it boiled around my hooves.

“Huh, I’d heard the expression of boiling with rage, but that’s the first time I’ve seen it in the literal,” Snow Berry quipped, bemusement dancing off of her like spring rain.

Wait. I could feel her amusement! It was still a little fuzzy, but I could feel things! Was this really all it took to fix me? Wow, I was terrible at taking care of myself!

“How did you know that I needed to ground myself?” I asked, shaking the water off of my hooves.

“Because I am a wise Cervydarian shaman, and I know things,” Snow Berry said stoically. Then she broke into a grin. “Nah, I’m messing with you. Since my people travelled a lot, we couldn’t hold our stories and lore in books and libraries, so we have an oral tradition for keeping community information. Shamans like me are tasked with knowing not only about the spirits, but about the spiritual wellbeing of our own. And we have our own heartmenders. Their practices work just like those of ponies.”

“Okay, but… how did you know that was my problem? That I hadn’t let go of things?” I asked, trying to figure out what she saw in me that I apparently didn’t.

“You are young. You are growing into an adult, but are not quite there yet. Adult ponies frequently forget that teenagers like you are far smarter than they give you credit for, and that you hold a lot more anxiety and worry than they remember. There are so many things you are learning to deal with as you grow, but often adults throw tasks at you that you aren’t ready for. Reminding you how to cope with your feelings in a healthy way is another thing they often forget. These are skills that take time and practice,” Snow Berry said. “No one is perfect at them, but the young often struggle. And you wear your emotions on your wings and in your ears much more than I think you realise.”

“I do?” I asked. “I… guess I didn’t see that.”

Snow Berry offered me a gentle smile.

“Most don’t, to be honest. Are you familiar with the concept of Johari’s Window?” As I shook my head, she continued, “it’s an explanation of how the self is seen. There are things about yourself that both you and others know. There are things you know about yourself that others don’t.” I winced at that one. “But there are also things that are hidden from you that others can see. It’s why we need friends in our lives. We need to be able to have them tell us what they see in us that we can’t or won’t.”

I swallowed. That sounded scary. I prided myself on thinking I knew myself well. But maybe it really was only just… thinking that I did?

“I don’t know if I like that. What if something they say about me hurts? Something I haven’t prepared for?” I asked, honestly unsure of how to handle this thought.

“Then ask yourself why does it hurt? Is it because you worry it’s true? Or because you’re afraid to accept a good thing about yourself?”

I glared at the doe as it felt like she was peering deep into my soul.

“How-”

“Tell you a secret, Threnody,” Snow Berry said, gesturing for me to come closer. When I cautiously trotted over, she whispered in my ear: “I was a teenager once, too.”

I lay my ears back in annoyance. That… was an answer, but not the one that I wanted.

“That feels kinda condescending.”

“Teens don’t tend to like the truth,” Snow Berry replied with a shrug. “To be fair, most adults don’t either. And a lot of people struggle with the idea that there can be good inside of themselves.”

“I just… it’s easier to see the ugly in me, I guess.”

Snow Berry’s face fell.

“It often is easier to see our flaws,” she said, “than that which makes us shine to others. You’re a heartmender, and my guess is that you criticise yourself a lot more than you like to admit, hmm?”

I winced, and nodded in agreement.

“Well, and like… I haven’t been all that great to my friends over the last few days. Enough that they told me that I needed to fix me,” I admitted.

“Healing is a process. You know that better than anyone. But it can be hard to turn that light you give to others as a heartmender on yourself. Cleaning someone else’s home is easier than cleaning your own.”

“Well, that’s because heartmending is for other people. They get all the benefits of it, and I just deal with the fact that I was basically groomed from birth into this cursed talent. They get all the cool stuff.” I spat bitterly. “Kinda like bodily autonomy. That’s not something I need, right?”

Snow Berry weathered that emotional storm with the grace she’d weathered my earlier snapping, but furrowed her brow.

“You may want to talk about that with Rhiannon,” she said softly. “I’m not a heartmender, but you do very much need that. There’s a lot of things that you likely need and, were I a betting deer, I would wager that you’ve been deprived of those for far too long. But that’s a conversation for another time. I see that I’ve spoken her name and she appears,” she said with a chuckle.

Rhiannon waved to us from across the stream.

Snow Berry lightly, ever so lightly put her delicate, cloven hoof on my right foreleg.

“Talk to her about it. It will help.”

Call me Applejack, cause I drank cider and learned nothing from that trip to Snow Berry. Maybe I was actually getting something out of those old friendship journals after all!

Okay, no that’s not quite right. I learned I needed to take better care of myself, and that my friends were annoying nerds that sometimes saw good things in me. But talk to Rhiannon about my damage? Hah, no. How about no.

I did have one friend, though, that I trusted to at least tell it to me straight. Or at least, I hoped we were friends. I hadn’t properly spoken to him since Blackjack got hurt, so the next day, I made a point of seeing Bubblegum.

T-minus 12 days

It didn’t take much convincing for Rhiannon to let me go seek out Bubblegum. I knew that he’d been staying outside the stable with the Wolves for whatever reason. So I made my way out of the long tunnel that led to the basement of the ski lodge hidding Stable 9’s entrance.

Pushing my way out of the dusty lobby of the old lodge, I broke into the brilliant morning sunshine.

Crash! Bang! Crunch!

Oh, that sounded good.

I trotted around the corner, to find Bubblegum sparring with one of the Wolves. He wasn’t wearing anything, while the Wolf he fought wore full power armour. I winced as the Wolf charged in, only for Bubblegum to grab them by the foreleg, roll onto his back, and throw the poor pony over his shoulder. The power-armoured pony hit a nearby tree with a metallic clang, crumpling in a heap at the base of the tree. Their armour sparked and glowed as the repair talisman kicked in.

“Oh shit, I am so sorry, Lettuce Leaf!” Bubblegum said, getting off of his back. His glorious, well-muscled back.

The Wolf opened his helmet, revealing an earth pony with a chartreuse coat and a two-toned dark green mane that really did make me think of lettuce.

“Nah, it’s all good man. That was a great throw! I didn’t think you’d be able to lift me while I was in my armour like that! That was sick!” the young stallion said, laughing as he got to his hooves. He had a cute face that was helped by a small green snip at the end of his nose that was kind of adorable. “Honestly though, I am so glad you’re up for sparring. I know my CQB skills are terrible, and if I wanna protect the Stable, I gotta get better.”

“Oh yeah, no problem! Just glad you’re not hurt, dude,” Bubblegum replied, trotting over to brohoof the Wolf. “Plus sometimes it takes the edge off, ya know?”

“Oh definitely!”

A series of loud hoofsteps behind me startled me out of watching the boys do their thing. Even with my senses dulled, I could tell that the mare who trotted past me with all the subtlety of a tornado was not thrilled with Bubblegum. Uh, oh.

“Wastelander. Are you beating up my boys again?” Captain Pacific Rose barked, causing Lettuce Leaf to snap to attention.

Bubblegum gave her an easy smile. “Nah, we’re just sparring ma’am. They’re good, but I’m glad they use their armour. I might actually hurt them if they didn’t.”

“You calling my Wolves weak?”

“Look, I’m a big guy. These cannons are hard to control,” he smirked, stamping one of his back legs, sending a shock through the ground and a quiver through my… oh my…

“Hard to control, huh?” Captain Rose snorted, before darting toward Bubbles. “Then spar with me, young buck!”

“Oh shit.” Bubbles said before ducking into a defensive posture as Captain Rose barrelled down on him.

He dodged a few of her hoofstrikes, and got one or two of his own in before she grabbed him around the barrel and fucking threw him a solid three meters into the air. He landed on his belly with a loud ‘OOF’, and then had the most curious expression on his face before apparently deciding that discretion was the better part of valor.

“Just remember to mind what you do with a Wolf’s pups, kiddo,” Captain Rose said, wiping a small bit of sweat from her brow. “And you can relax, Leaf. Goddesses, y’all’re an awkward bunch.”

Lettuce Leaf just smiled blandly as Captain Rose shook her head and walked back towards me, a small smile on her muzzle. Amusement continued to bubble around the corner of the ski lodge she disappeared behind.

“You okay there, Bubblegum?” Lettuce Leaf asked after Rose was out of earshot.

“Oh just, you know, digging a well. If you catch my drift.”

Digging a well?

“Oh yeah, I think we’ve all had that after a session with Captain Rose. I’m pretty sure I’ve bruised myself a few times. Thank the goddesses for armour though!” the Wolf said with a chuckle.

“Yeah, bucko, you laugh it up. Give me a minute to stop trying to forge my way all the way to Zebrica,” Bubblegum muttered. “Damn though, that mare.”

Oh goddesses they were talking about penises! My brain helpfully informed me, making me wish I could forget the past few moments.

“Yeah, she can toss my salad at any time,” Lettuce Leaf said, chuckling. “Though I mean you could too~” he teased, before glancing over and blushing slightly as he realised I was there. “Oh hey there, little missy!”

Bubblegum turned and looked at me. “Oh, hey, Thren. I, uh-”

“You need a minute. Nah, it’s good. A minute is good. You can stay, uh… laying down,” I begged quietly, trotting over and sitting down next to him. “Please stay laying down.”

Stallions. Why are they?

“So, uh, what’s up, Thren?” Bubblegum asked. “Not that like, seeing you isn’t good, but I ain’t see you in a few days. Everything okay?”

“Uh, well, I was wondering if you’ve got a minute. But by a minute I mean a minute after the minute you’re currently needing,” I stammered, feeling my cheeks warm.

Lettuce Leaf snorted, then started trotting toward the Stable entrance. “I’ll let you two chat. Thanks for the sparring session though, Bubbles. Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sounds good, Leaf. Thanks again!” Bubbles said, waving his right foreleg without getting up.

He and I shared a long, awkward glance.

“So, uh, how long…?”

“It’s… let’s just chat here. Cause while I’m sufficiently rooted at the moment, uh, I’m pretty sure you’re not here to discuss my елда status,” he replied with a chuckle.

I wasn’t even sure how to pronounce what he’d said. “What… does that even mean?”

“Oh! It was a word that one of the Wolves taught me. Apparently a few of them and the stable dwellers speak the language they speak up in Stalliongrad. It means like… arch-cock or something. Uber penis. Maximum over-dick.”

I lay my ears back.

“I… really didn’t need to know that, Bubbles.”

“Hey you like fancy learning and new words, right? Add елда to your vocabulary! It’ll be fun!”

I lightly punched him on the shoulder.

“Asshole.”

“You know you love it,” he said with a smile, before taking on a serious expression. “Though, uh, seriously, what’s up? You don’t really come to me for anything and, uh… we haven’t really, you know, talked talked since.... uh…” he trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed. A slight bit of shame also oozed off of him in an oily trickle. “What I’m saying is that aside from really weird conversations over pancakes and trauma, we’ve sorta not really had a chat about… ya know?”

I frowned as I let the Hellhound in the room sit for a moment.

“Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you about… well, that, and to get your opinion on something,” I admitted.

“My opinion? Okay that’s new and slightly alarming.”

I felt my ears droop. “I- look,” I started, frowning. “You’ve always been the one friend I have that would tell it to me straight, even if it hurts. You did it back in Fold, and you’ve called me out on stuff in the past. Even if I’m a grump about it in the moment, I really have appreciated that about you.”

Bubblegum blinked at me.

“Okay, back that up. You consider me a friend? Not just the hot guy that keeps you safe?”

“I meant what I said, Bubbles. And I’m not just saying that cause I’m pretty sure that it’s illegal to say otherwise in Stable 9.”

That drew a chuckle out of him.

“Alright well, that’s actually kinda good to know,” he admitted. “I was thinking you were gonna come here and berate me for what happened to Blackjack!”

I shook my head.

“Bubblegum, that… forest is wrong. On like, so many levels for so many reasons. What happened there wasn’t really anyone’s fault, and for all I know, Blackjack probably had it coming.”

“I mean, she did,” he said darkly. Calm waters began to blacken and churn.

I narrowed my eyes as I looked at him.

“Can you like… get into that? Like,” I held up a hoof as he started to speak. “No like, seriously. I get the impression that you were around the Hoof when she was around. You’ve already said you were around back then, but your hate? That’s… fucking personal.”

Instead of answering, Bubblegum stood up, bringing a bit of sod with him.

“Ah shit, look away a minute, Thren,” he said.

I did so in order to avoid learning more about his anatomy than I wanted. Which was weird, because my brain seemed to indicate that’s precisely where I should be directing my attention. Ack!

“Come with me, I… I’ll get into it, but not like… in the middle of the sparring field.” he said, walking to the tree that he’d thrown Lettuce Leaf into and picked up a pair of saddlebags laid at its base opposite where the young Wolf had landed.

I followed Bubblegum around the grounds outside of the stable, until we came to a small chapel that overlooked a field of graves.

“You ever like, sit and read headstones?” he asked, staring down at one that was dated for sometime before Princess Luna came back from the moon.

“Um, not really,” I admitted. “Graveyards kinda… aren’t go-to hangouts. Though they are usually quiet. Might be a good place to read.”

He tilted his head to the side, thinking a moment. “Yeah, it might be that,” he admitted, before shaking his head. “I just… I have a lot of names in my head. A lot of good ponies who weren’t lucky like me. Who didn’t make it out of the Hoof.”

Sorrow, anger, and hatred flowed between us like a deluge down a dry canyon.

“I hate her, Threnody. I hate her so much because of what she did and who she took from me. And I bet she doesn’t even know their names,” he spat.

I didn’t know what to say. That wound was so deep and so old, it hurt to think about. I looked up into Bubblegum’s eyes, and for the first time, I could see the emotional burn scars that Slate had told me had nested back there. So I just nodded.

He nodded back, then chuckled.

“I… thank you for not trying to say anything.”

“Why?” I asked, confused.

He shrugged. “Look dude, there’s not a lot you can say. Like… yeah, I could probably see a heartmender and work on this. But like, I am so very, very afraid of forgetting their names. After the battle, a lot of my friends were dead or adopted by survivors. But not me. I was alone. So fucking alone, and it was her fault.” Bubblegum closed his eyes and sighed. “And damnit, she hit so close to home when she kept bringing up me being all alone back at my shack. I think she knew I knew who she was, and that she was the real Security. But for some goddesses damned reason, she poked me to bring me along. I danced to her fucking tune and I don’t know why!”

He sat back on his haunches and threw up his hooves in frustration.

“But apparently I’m the kind of dumbass that follows a group of fillies out into the wasteland cause one of them that I really hate reminds me that one of the few things I hate worse is being alone!” he snorted. “Fuck, maybe I do need to talk about this shit.”

“I’m kinda obligated by virtue of my talent to point out that it can help, but… I get holding onto things,” I admitted.

“No, I wouldn’t’ve guessed that, Threnody,” he said, skewing an ear to the side, his expression snarky. “I just… it is funny cause you wanted to talk to me about something and now here I’ve talked your ear off.”

“I don’t mind,” I said, and I meant it. “Bubbles, like I said, I think of you as a friend, but as was pointed out to me rather bluntly earlier this week by Puddle and Glitter, I’ve been kind of a terrible one in return. I’ve been meaning to ask you about why you hate Blackjack for a while. I just… my to-do list is… erm.”

“Kinda ridiculous, huge, and that’s just your issues, and not everyone else's?”

“... I didn’t want to put it like that but yeah, kinda.”

“So, to mirror Puddle and Glitter, yeah, you’ve not… been a great friend.” My ears wilted at the truth. “But that you’re working on it kinda means a lot to me. Like, I’ll be real: I didn’t think you considered me a friend. Just the guy with a gun and an ass that doesn’t quit.”

I blushed hard at his last remark.

“Look, I’ve caught you staring!” Bubblegum teased, but then his expression softened. “I also kinda get the impression you’re not really sure what you want or who you want, so I take it as a compliment and move on. Which is why I’ve tried to keep hanging out with Glitter and helping her with her stuff. Yes, she has stuff too.”

“Damnit.”

Bubblegum shook his head.

“Look, you need to work your own to-do list before you work on ours. And definitely before you can help Blackjack. If she ever wakes up,” Bubblegum said with a sour expression. “I am… is it weird I feel a bit ashamed for that, despite me wanting to do it for years?”

“I think it’s kinda normal, Bubblegum. I don’t know what you want me to tell you. Revenge is an emotion like any other, but, uh, it’s sticky, and gross, and has a lot more complicated bits to it that can make it hard to sort out.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” he replied. “I… hmm. I guess I do have a lot of stuff I need to get sorted. I’d take up on Rhiannon’s offer to talk to Mr. Vetiver, but…” He trailed off and looked uncomfortable.

“But what?”

Bubblegum hung his head. “I’d have to go inside the stable,” he whispered. At my confused expression, he sighed. “Okay, so I know you had a question that you wanted to ask me about, but, uh… you’re giving me a look like you wanna know what’s up with me now.”

“I mean, kinda,” I admitted. “You were offered a place to stay, you can visit the canteen, and while school sucks like… Glitter mentioned you kinda won’t stay in the Stable. And I wanted to know what’s up with that.”

Bubblegum sighed.

“Okay, get comfy and let me tell you about a nightmare of mine. I have it a lot, and maybe it’ll explain a few things…”

Bubblegum’s Bad Nights

Harsh electric lights buzz, stabbing their sharp glare through my eyes. Instantly, I know where I am, and what little bits of my mind that are still active recoil in horror.

I know where I am.

More importantly I know when I am, and I am no more enthusiastic about the coming horror than I had ever been before. Such a plague on my sleep.

Right on cue, the alarm on my bedside table begins beeping its irritatingly shrill morning serenade at me. Simultaneously comes a deep, terrifying rumble and I bolt upright in bed, sheets flying and my long mane and tail swirling about me. Another rumble, closer and much louder, drowns out the alarm’s wail. I reflexively slam the silence button.

The worst part of the nightmare is how powerless I was to do anything but watch it unfold as it did back then. As it did so, so many nights after.

The pneumatic door hisses open and there are my parents, colorless and indistinct. I was too young when I lost them; I don’t remember their names, their colors, or their voices. All I remember is being ushered out of our rooms and into the main atrium. I can’t possibly know it at the time, but looking back through the faded murk of this nightmare on a regular basis allows me to understand what happened. Those rumbles are explosives. The foundations are being blown out; the mountain above the stable is caving in. Catastrophic structural failures send low moans, cracks and roars of shearing metal, fracturing rock and disintegrating concrete through the walls. Another rumble, another explosion, and all the ponies around me scream or duck in fear.

Why do I always remember the screaming? I can remember the screaming and the explosions and the-

The tortured shriek of bending metal hisses from the passageway behind us. I turn my head just in time to see part of the access hallway — the metal and piping kept immaculate by the maintenance crew — suddenly collapse–

Blood.

Right onto a group of fleeing ponies. Garbled screams, fear, a cacophony of hideous cries. Death and pain press on at my back.

My vision becomes obscured as somepony places a hoof over my eyes. Not that it helps. The streaks of blood and worse are seared indelibly into my memory as soon as I see them. I hear bodies burst wetly from the crushing force hammering down on them.

I always remember the sounds.

But never the names. Or the faces. Or even their colors.

Just shades of crimson on metal gray. Terror and blood.

A loud grinding noise draws my terrified gaze back to the front, and the gathered ponies all lend their voices to a vast, collective noise of hope as the massive cog-shaped door begins to grind out of its housing. The grinding grows louder and louder until the door finally pulls from the closed position and almost immediately tears free of its mechanisms.

It slams into the ground with such force that another weakened hallway behind us collapses from the impact. Dust billows from behind the door, the first breath of the outside world that any of us had experienced.

Coughing echoes around me as ponies do their best to shield themselves from the debris. Luckily, the vents were still operating. Whatever was going on had missed the engineering section and the reactor. With their ever-present humming through meters of stone and metal, the air filters work to clear the air, and the thinning dust reveals a picture that nopony wants to see.

Rubble.

Massive boulders block the doorway before us, and the hope from earlier morphs into despair. Ponies fall to the ground and weep, and I almost join them before a stallion from the security office appears. In the soft glow of his magic is a bundle of grenades, likely the entire stock of explosives still accessible after the collapse of the hallways.

I hide my face against one of my parents as the security pony rigs a last-ditch attempt to free everyone trapped inside. Everypony takes cover from the ensuing blast, and the detonation of the explosives causes another distant rumbling from deeper in the stable. The blast wave throws even more dust into the air, and the rubble blocking the doorway clacks and rumbles as it resettles after the blast.

One of the vents has stopped working, but the other works to clear the air as quickly as it can. Before we can see its effect, a billowing nimbus of dust from an outside breeze pulls a couple of worn-out cheers from the emotionally-whiplashed ponies. Almost as a single entity the survivors surge towards the exit only to find that while a hole had been formed as the rubble resettled, it wasn’t nearly large enough for a pony to fit through.

Only big enough for a small colt, right?

“It’s only big enough for a foal!” came a voice from the assembled mob.

A few ponies begin digging at the insurmountable mass of rock barring their way to freedom, but behind their hearty efforts, I could almost smell their dread. Even as young as I was, it’s almost like I knew this place would be their tomb.

I look to my parents who had already begun to gather whatever resources they could find stuffing them into a saddlebag that soon found itself tied to my back. I, young as I am, simply whimper and cry as my parents start to say goodbye to me and I try, in vain, to sear them into my memory.

We’re interrupted. Another blast finally either kills the generator or cuts the lines from the engineering section to the door. The lights all go out and the one remaining vent sputters to a halt. Then, true silence. One that the stable dwellers have never experienced before. True darkness, as the whole room collectively holds their breath.

It only lasts a moment before panic settles in and my parents begin to move towards the doorway. Raised voices open a pathway through the throng of panicked ponies, and my small frame is all but forcefully jammed into the gap in the rocks. Jagged protrusions of stone rip at my coat and I whimper in pain as I’m pushed from behind. Muffled voices follow me as I try to pull myself through, but with everything that’s happening the only thing I remember is the cold stone crushing down against me.

Soon, I move far enough that I can’t feel anypony pushing me anymore. The only headway I can make is through my own wiggling.

And then my forward momentum comes to a halt.

At first it feels like something’s grabbed my hoof, but a panicked flick of the limb in question reveals it’s moving freely enough. I try to move forward again but find that the passageway is just narrow enough that my saddlebag has jammed itself against the roof of the tunnel, blocking my progress. I whimper and flail about for several agonizing seconds before I start to cry. Alone, trapped in the darkness of a massive mound of rubble, I know I ain’t going to make it.

The air around me feels just as crushing as the rubble on my back, and I can hardly breathe. Did the rubble resettle? Am I just crawling to a dead end anyway? My heart hammers in my chest as my body instinctively attempts to defy its own demise and I thrash my hooves around against the rock. Suddenly the quick, gruesome deaths of the ponies crushed by the falling stable seems like the better way to go.

And ponies wonder why I don’t like being underground.

I hear the quiet grinding sound of stone-on-stone next to my head and I fearfully look up at it. A single glowing eye stares back. Before I can even take a breath for my inevitable scream of horror, another rock opens to reveal an eye. Then another. Then another and another and another until the entire tunnel is lined with glowing eyes of a myriad colors.
What?! No. No, no, no. Not this damn thing again! NO!

A soft, discordant hymn begins to fill the air as mouths begin to grow from tendrils of flesh that stretch between the eyes, surrounding me with grotesque facsimiles of pony faces. I can feel them trying to coax me into singing with them, a wordless dirge of misery and anguish rising to my lips, and it takes every last bit of my willpower to keep my mouth shut. I somehow know that if I start, I won’t be able to stop.

Unable to escape, I did the only thing I could. I tuck my chin and cover my head with my hooves. Eyes shut tightly, I curl up as best I can and wait for my inevitable end.

That damned thing shouldn’t even be here! I’m hundreds of miles from there!

It seems like a small eternity, but my refusal to join their song eventually causes the horrifying presence to grow bored and, like somepony has thrown a switch, I am back in the darkness and silence once more. Quivering, I raise my hooves from my eyes and look around. The eyes and faces are gone, and my thrashing must have jostled around the bag enough to let me slip through. Still riding the blast of adrenaline, I push forward as quickly as I can. One hoof, then the other. The jagged tunnel of stone rips and tears at my jumpsuit, my coat, and the skin underneath.

Step after step, hoof after hoof, I move forward. Small whiffs of cool air keep me convinced that I’m not just crawling to my death. No longer trapped, the adrenaline rush begins to fade and is replaced by a mounting weariness. In the stable, I was stronger, faster, and tougher than the other colts. Even though they were all older than me by at least a couple of years. Even so, my hooves start to tremble as I drag myself further. I had a fleeting idea of just resting where I lay, but the thought that the rubble around me could move again and trap me once more kept me moving.

Especially since there were still explosives going off in the mountain.

I am so focussed on moving forward that I nearly kill myself as my front hooves meet open air and I dip towards emptiness. My hind legs snap out to the sides of the stone gullet just in time to prevent me from falling to my death.

I find myself such an alarming distance from the ground that I can’t even see it, sticking out of a nearly sheer cliff face. What a sad joke that would’ve been. To escape a collapsed mountain only to fall and break my neck immediately upon getting to open air.

Realizing that I’m now looking out onto the surface world, I gaze around for any kind of light. Surely there was something! Even though my eyes had adjusted as much as they could while I was in the tunnel, I still couldn’t make out anything useful.

Nighttime in the wastes, and I’m stuck in a wall. Not a good start.

This is just unfair! I already lost everything, everyone, been scared and scarred by what I have experienced, and now I’m just trapped halfway in a cliff? I can’t even back up because there’s nothing for my front hooves to push against! Angry, frustrated, and powerless, I did what any young colt would do.

I threw a tantrum.

Good thing I did, too.

While my hind legs remain jammed in the opening, keeping me from sliding out, I begin to yell, cry, scream, and bash my forehooves into the stone around me until I go hoarse and my hooves are bleeding. Even with all that I’m still furious, but the pain brings me back to earth again and I go mostly limp as I try to calm down. Deep breaths. Maybe if I move just right I can throw myself backwards into the hole so I don’t have to worry about falling, and then I can–

“Hello?”

The sound of another pony’s voice shocks me enough that I nearly fall out of the mountain. On the heels of that shock comes a painfully bright flare of hope in my chest.

“H-hello? Is somepony out there?” I call back, though now my voice is messed up and it comes out much quieter than I wanted. Still, in the quiet of a wasteland night, it was enough.

The glare of a small flashlight momentarily blinds me as somepony points it up at me, and I raise my hooves to blot out the sudden light.

“How did you get stuck all the way up there?” the voice asked. The cone of illumination slides off me and I lower my hooves to look down at the pony that found me.

Ponies, actually. Three of them. All… quite small, even at this distance. And all wearing the same strange red capes. My saviors are three fillies. One of them even has a little bear plushie perched on her back.

I don’t remember that...

“We should get him down before he falls!” a different one says, her voice high enough to almost be grating.

“Yeah, but how?” replies the first, who seems to be the leader.

“How about a net?” chimes in the third, speaking slowly.

“I don’t think that’d work. He’d just splat through it into little cubes!”

“I don’t think that’s how–”

“What about a trampoline! Then he’d just bounce around a lot!”

“Ooh! That sounds like a great idea!”

The three of them put their heads together and begin to speak in a quieter manner, leaving me hanging. Literally. Finally, they all spring into the air with a combined shout of “Cutie Mark Crusader colt rescuers!” before simply spinning on their hooves and running off into the darkness.

I blink.

And wake up.

“The fucking weird part is,” Bubblegum said, as he finished his story, “that I seriously do not remember any of my Crusader saviors as having a bear.”

“Trampoline,” I muttered softly. “Why do I remember a trampoline?”

Bubblegum tilted his head at me.

“Excuse me, what?” he said.

“Bubblegum, were you having that dream the night before we went into the Red Forest? The night I woke up all, like, covered in blood and stuff?”

Bubblegum frowned.

“I- Maybe? I have it pretty frequently. Why do you ask?”

“Because ever since that night, I’ve been getting flashes of things I shouldn’t know. Like, for example, Miss Lunar — you know, the mare who runs the library? —, well, I saw her die in a dream before I even met her. And I don’t know why. Or like, I have this feeling that if I ask Glitter about it, she’d get real sad about why she hates the word ‘monster.’ It’s… just super weird,” I admitted.

Bubblegum’s expression blanked.

“How did you know about the monster thing? She’s only ever told me about that.”

“I… I don’t know!” I cried. “I have bits and pieces of memories from that night, and a lot of them don’t seem to be mine. You mentioning the trampoline made me remember I’ve seen the screaming eye thingy before. But I don’t know why.”

“Did you have a weird dream that night?” Bubblegum asked. “Like… something odd?”

“I dreamed I got dragged up to Seaddle and had to go on a date with Peculiar,” I said, my stomach twisting in knots just thinking about it. “We had to go to a carnival. It was the worst.” I paused. “But there was a bear in that too. What the hell?”

“Dude I am not the one to ask,” Bubblegum said. “I just tried to share a bit of my damage, not accidentally unlock yours too.”

I frowned.

“No, that — I understand that, Bubbles. I am just… really confused about why I am feeling everything you just described so strongly.”

“Some heartmendery thing?”

“I don’t think so,” I admitted, shaking my head. “Feeling another pony’s emotions is one thing. I felt like I was there. In your dream, Puddle’s dream, and in Glitter’s. But I only remember bits and pieces of them and it’s… I need a unicorn.”

Bubblegum quirked his eyebrows up.

“Like, a hot one or…?”

I punched his shoulder.

“No, somepony who understands magic. This… Blackjack and I talked about it in Fold. Peculiar had something off about him, and I always wondered if he didn’t have some sort of weird mind control magic.”

“Well, that’s something horrible to think about,” Bubblegum deadpanned. “I do not want to think about that freakshow rummaging around in my head. There’re load-bearing neuroses in there.”

I snorted, then started laughing. I knew that Bubblegum was fairly smart, but him saying ‘load-bearing neuroses’ had me in stitches.

“Just saying!” Bubblegum said with a grin. “I have that stuff all organized just how I like so I can avoid them.”

“I… That is completely understandable. I’d rather ponies not go through my mental closet, either.”

“Filly, you live in that closet.”

“I do not!”

Bubblegum rolled his eyes at me.

“Yeah, okay. You keep telling yourself that. Anyways, since we’re actually talking again, what did you actually want to talk to me about?”

I spent the next few minutes telling him about my talk with Snow Berry, and with Huey. It felt so strange talking about the day before, but I really needed someone to know I was seeing stuff and actually wasn’t crazy. I just sorta wished I was.

“Are we all gonna have this sort of weird shit happen cause we hang out with Blackjack?” Bubblegum asked. “Cause this seems her tier of universal bullshit, not gonna lie.”

“I have no idea,” I said, burying my face in my hooves. “I- just, thank you for listening.”

“I mean, I’m a little jealous. Seeing talking coyotes sounds really cool. At least when they’re not being creepy motherfuckers,” Bubblegum admitted. “But, maybe that’s me not wanting to be alone all the time.”

My ears drooped before I replied, “I… guess I hadn’t thought of it that way. But I don’t know if being spirit-touched is a good thing or not. Besides, I’m not really sure you’d have Huey show up. There was another Hidden there with Snow Berry. Kajortoq was her name. I think she was Snow Berry’s spirit guide.”

“That would be correct! That vexing vixen is Snow Berry’s very own guide!” Huey’s voice said on cue as he popped up from behind Bubblegum and sat on the stallion’s back. “As nice as Bubblegum is, he’d already have met a guide of his own, was he spirit-touched like you. Though, I know of a Hidden that would probably talk to him if he ever decides he wants his life to get extra weird, like the kiddies say these days.”

Bubblegum gave me a weird expression.

“Uh, you kinda trailed off, Threnody. Are you okay?”

I shook myself. “Sorry, Huey decided to show up. And he said that he liked me and that I get to deal with him.” Huey stuck his tongue out at me. “But he also said if you’d been spirit-touched, there is a Hidden who would talk to you.”

“Oh?” Bubblegum perked up. “Who?” He then looked sad. “Sorry, that sounded pathetically desperate.”

Huey’s eyes glowed a moment, then he spoke.

“We are all lonely a lot, Bubbles of Gum,” he said quietly. “While we, Hidden, exist in the world of magic, in truth, the world where we came from has long ended. It has been dead for a long time. And so, oh how so many of us long to be seen and remembered. For our stories to be told again.”

Bubblegum stared at where Huey appeared.

“I… Coyote?” he asked.

“In the spirit,” Huey said. “Wew, I forgot how sapping that is to show myself to others.” he shook his head, his amber eyes boring into Bubblegum. “But if someday you wish to walk with us, the Hidden will walk with you. I am sure old Susy would like that.”

“Susy?” Bubblegum and I asked at the same time.

“Susanoo. The Hidden of Storms. I think he’d get on quite well with you, Bubblegum. You both carry a lot of regret for your actions born of the gathering wrath within you.” Huey chuckled. “But that’s a story for another time. Toodles!” he said, before vanishing in a shower of glitter.

Bubblegum stared at where Huey had been, before turning back to me.

“Okay, yep. Grade A Blackjack Levels of Fucking Weird.”

“You know, I don’t think I’d trade the world for it though,” I admitted.

“Yeah, me neither,” Bubblegum said softly. “Hey, Threnody?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for talking to me. I think… we both kinda needed it.”

“No Problem, Bubblegum. Thanks for talking to me, too!”

T-Minus 11 Days

Author's Note

Drops a chapter sleep deprived, over caffienated, and not sure how to use complex machines like spoons but apparently a keyboard is fine SUP I BROUGHT PAIN.

With so many apologies for taking for freaking ever. 2020 was hell.

Edit 4.25.21 Also special thanks again to Bubblegum (the... person he's inspired by, not the character. I've not lost it that much I swear!) for helping with his dream. Dude is great cause I can be like 'man, I don't know if I can get into bubble's head, how would he handle this?' and he'll disappear for like 14 minutes and come back with 5 paragraphs on it.