Author's Note

Y'ALL I BROUGHT THAT GAY SHIT YOU LIKE! Also updates.

Rated .25 for potential smooches.

22.25 Broom Ponies

Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons - Speak

Chapter 22.25: Broom Ponies

Ah, yes. My favourite. Like a ramen bowl made with drama noodles.

T-minus 9 Days

I supposed — later — that the previous two days had been… tolerable. This was after Rhiannon had forced me to wake up at the hour of Celestia’s Shining Butthole for school. But at least she’d told me that I didn’t need to go. I still did, because I sometimes found myself frustratingly desirous of the praise of others, and Rhiannon was rapidly becoming a pony I didn’t want to disappoint.

That didn’t mean that I enjoyed school, however. It was… frequently boring and often infuriating.

That said, I found I liked the Equestrian History lessons, and I was actually fairly good at it! Raising my hoof to consistently answer questions correctly gave me a sort of pride that made me feel that all my hours reading weren’t a complete waste. The fire that flushed through my cheeks and ears at calling attention to myself seemed to burn with less ferocity each time I did it, too. So that was nice.

I accidentally formed a rivalry with one of the fillies in class named Mercury Vapour, though. She was a shy earth pony, but her knowledge of biology brought her out of her shell! The problem was, she knew so much about biology that she had the audacity to correct me on occasion. Me! The wonder filly who'd just, if only barely, passed her medic’s certification with the Followers!

“Why are you always scowly when Mercury gets called on, Threnody?” Emerald asked me during lunch. I’d used some of my own caps to buy Emerald, Sour, and Balmy lunch because I needed to be away from school awhile, and they were the only ones free. Puddle had a club meeting, and Glitter and Bubblegum were having lunch with Glitter’s younger classmates on a field trip into, well, the stable apple orchard.

I grit my teeth slightly before angrily taking a bite of pancake. “Okay, so she keeps correcting me,” I grumbled, “and like, that’s not a bad thing, but she does it in this way that is like she knows everything and it gets on my nerves. Now I see her do anything and it just… bothers me.”

Sour chuckled before nodding sagely. “Ah, the bitch eating snack cakes response.”

“Th-the what?” Balmy asked, tilting his head as he glanced at the white pegasus. “What does that even mean, Sour?”

“Oh, sometimes you meet someone you just don’t get along with. There’s something about them that bothers you. It eventually grows in frustration until you find yourself watching them do something completely benign and it will tilt you off.” Sour waved a wing dismissively as she lifted up her sandwich. “Like, 'look at that bitch eating snack cakes over there like she owns the place'.”

“Mr. Solidarity isn’t gonna put me in friendship jail for not liking someone, right?” I asked, looking around like the intrepid Constable was gonna show up and put me in hoofcuffs for crimes against friendship.

Emerald furrowed her brows as she gave me a confused look.

“Uh, no? Getting along in here is important, but having your own thoughts and feelings isn’t illegal,” she explained. “What, did you think we actually had a friendship jail? That sounds hella culty.”

I quickly took a bite of blueberry pancakes to avoid making myself look more foolish.

Sour chuckled. “I know that we focus on the magic of friendship here in the stable, but that doesn’t mean you have to be friends with everyone. Sometimes there’s folks you just don’t get on with. It just means treating everyone with basic kindness even if you don’t get along with them. Not that you have to be everyone’s friend.”

“And that doesn’t mean that you have to always be happy with your friends,” Balmy added. “Sometimes we fight, but what’s important is that we work through those fights and stay friends after them.”

Something in Balmy’s voice drew my head up. Something that ran cooly around my hooves.

“Okay, so who am I not handling friendship that well with, Balmy?” I asked, fixing him with a level stare.

“I-what?” Balmy asked innocently, before trying to duck under the table. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

Emerald rolled her eyes.

“He means Puddle,” she explained. “She’s really hurt still by uh, how did she put it, Sour?”

“By the fact that you two made out and she almost died and since then you’ve acted like she doesn’t exist,” Sour answered, each word an icy dagger of guilt piercing my chest. She nonchalantly finished off her daisy sandwich. “Just saying. Could see why a filly might take that a little personally.”

My chest did its level best to collapse in on itself under the weight of all those painful icicles stabbing into me. Sour was right. I did kinda do that. Fuck.

“I… fuck. Uh, how do I fix this?” I asked, genuinely curious since I’d never, well… kissed somepony, watched them die, tried to make them not dead by punching a giant spirit, and then proceeded to ignore them. I needed a book on this!

“Have you considered looking for an answer in the Journal of Friendship?” Balmy asked. “I doubt that the Ministry Mares experienced anything like, uh, your situation, but… maybe they have some ideas?”

I thought about it for a moment. I had just read an entry by Pinkie Pie about how she really liked to throw parties for her friends. Yes! That was it! A party!

I slammed my hoof on the table, causing my friends — and about half the dining room — to jump.

“A PARTY!” I shouted triumphantly. "A ‘I AM SORRY I FUCKED UP’ PARTY!"

Emerald lay back her ears, then rubbed the inside of one with a hoof. “I don’t think you needed to shout that,” she muttered, rubbing her eyebrow, “but why a party?”

“Puddle always wanted to be the Element of Laughter,” I replied. The three of them stared at me. “I… look, I don’t know how I know that, but I have this dreamy memory thing that it’s something she’s always wanted. I thought a party might be a good idea since like, you know, they’re ways for you to laugh and have fun,” I stated confidently, recalling more of Pinkie Pie’s words.

Sour tapped a hoof to her chin. “You know, she may like that. But we may wanna keep it a surprise. She likes those even more.”

“You should probably ask Rhiannon if you can host it at her place as well. Since you’re living with her and all,” Balmy added. “But I think Puddle would like that! We all would, really.”

My chest felt just a little less like an ice cube being compressed by a glacier.

“Awesome! A party, it is!” I paused. “Uh… what does a party need?”

Three books and a lot of planning later, I learned that parties were serious business. Or at least required some planning. Which was why I found myself with Balmy, Glitter, and Bubblegum at the Stable 9 canteen, trying to buy supplies. Rows upon rows of pristine, pre-war package foods mixed in with produce from the Stable’s gardens. There were so many greens, fruits, and delicious looking vegetables!

And a distressing amount of cheese balls.

“Cheese Sandwich’s Big Super Cheesy Balls,” Bubblegum said, picking up a container, desperately trying to keep a straight face. “Big Super Cheesy Balls. Nice.”

“Ooo! We should get those! Those sound yummy!” Glitter said, levitating up five containers of Cheese Sandwich’s Super Cheese Big Balls in her magic. “Oh and they’re only one cap? A steal! At least I think it is.”

“I… er,” Balmy started to speak, then quieted down. “Just be careful with those. They’re kinda… weird. We only have so many of them because there was an accident with the food manufacturer that made literally hundreds of them.”

“I want to stuff Mr. Cheese’s balls in my mouth!” Glitter replied defensively, hugging a container of the snack to her chest. "I love cheese!"

Bubblegum made a short series of strange snorting grunts and appeared to be having a hard time controlling his face as he turned and falteringly made his way down the aisle. I struggled to keep my own face straight as waves of barely-contained mirth swept out from him, making me unsure of my own footing.

"What's his problem?" Asked a puzzled Glitter, bringing me back to the moment.

Right, fun time later, being responsible now.

I pulled out a small purse from my bag and counted my caps. “I have about a hundred or so caps that I can use to get party supplies. I know I wanna get some stuff to make a cake. But the cheese balls should be good, too? Maybe we can grab some other snacks as well!”

I rounded the corner and then froze as I tried to figure out what I was looking at. Before me, standing behind a small counter, was a creature that looked like a pony, but if a pony and a radroach had been able to have children. Very crunchy-looking children.

“I… uh… Uuuh…”

“Oh! Hello!” the creature greeted me. “Welcome to Verdant Gear’s Aisle of Technically Edible Things!” His buggy wings fluttered in excitement. “I see you chose to buy some of our patented Cheese Sandwich’s Super Cheese Big Balls! A fine choice! Can I help you find anything?”

“I uh…” I collected myself. “Hi Verdant, yeah, um. I need some stuff to make a cake?” I couldn’t feel any emotions from Verdant, and it was really creeping me out.

Balmy rounded the corner and then slapped his forehead. “Oh, I am so sorry, Verdant! I forgot to tell Threnody and the others that you’re a changeling!”

“A what?” I asked, shifting my attention off of Verdant and toward Balmy.

“Just a simple changeling who likes to sell food and lives off of the collective love he has for the finer things in cuisine!” Verdant said with a slight bow. “But please, let me know if I can help you find anything. I do believe we have some Gummy’s Glow-in-the-Dark Frosting for cakes! Middle of the aisle, lower left shelf.”

“Oh, okay, thank you, Verdant!” I said before slinking down the aisle.

“I am sorry I forgot to warn you,” Balmy said, ushering Glitter past the changeling.

“I wonder if he can store Mr. Cheese’s balls in his leg holes!” Glitter wondered aloud, causing Bubblegum and I to nearly fall into a stack of Real Fake Marshmallow Bits cereal from our mutual suppressed laughter.

I read the box to try to regain my composure. Distressingly, the cereal now claimed to have 100% real marshmallows in it.

What… what was in it before?

Turning the box over, I discovered a distressing amount of legal disclaimers about the cereal from Solaris Foods, and decided that maybe I was safer leaving it on the stack.

“Verdant has been here since the stable got up and running. He really does seem to live for selling stuff here in the Canteen, though, so we just… let him? And he’s really nice and helps keep the Canteen stocked!”

A now seemingly composed Bubblegum didn’t seem to care, and picked up a can of Beanis Inc. ‘Special Beans’ before sniggering to himself and setting them down. “Guy’s gotta make a living somehow. Though what the fuck is… Tushonka?” he asked, his brows furrowing as he picked up another can that, based on the picture on the front, appeared to be some sort of meat cube.

“I don’t know,” Balmy said. “It’s always sounded like something from Stalliongrad. I’ve never tried it.”

I came face to face with the frosting. It glowed — on the shelf, not just in the dark.

“Uh, is it supposed to glow like that?” I wondered, picking up one and reading through the ingredients. It appeared to have the same isotope in it that made Sparkle Cola Rad glow a bit. “Oh, that weird radiation chemical thing. Pretty sure it’s harmless,” I said before putting three jars of frosting in the small basket I’d grabbed from the front of the Canteen.

Bubblegum trotted over and deposited a pile of tubes in the basket. “We need these,” he said seriously. “I found them once in the wasteland. I have been searching ever since. I will help pay for them.”

I picked up a tube. “Baconooze?”

The big colt looked sheepish. “Look, it is cheese and bacon. It goes really well on crackers if you can find them. I found like three once in a strange store called Muler’s Bit Bargain Bin, and they were the most delicious things I’ve ever had in my life. We need them... Please?”

He gave me an expression that made his pink eyes look huge.

“I mean, if you like it that much, yeah we should totally get it!” I said, excited that Bubblegum was helping me plan. “If you see anything else, let me know!”

I reached into my saddlebags and pulled out my list. I’d found a recipe for chocolate cake — Balmy had told me that was Puddle’s favourite — which called for mayonnaise.

“Does anyone see mayonnaise? I need it for the cake,” I asked.

“Oh! I found it!” Balmy said, fluttering over with a jar of the yellow-white condiment.

“Why does it say it has a prize in it?” I asked.

“I dunno. Who puts a prize in mayonnaise?” Balmy asked back. “The stuff in this aisle has always been a little… weird.”

I teetered a bit as Glitter dropped a few bags into my basket, causing the weight to increase precipitously.

“I found some gummy worms. They sound sour! Sour things are yummy!” she said.

I shrugged. Balefire Sour Gummies sounded good to me!

“Okay, let’s get some flour, and if we can, some drinks. Is there any soda or juice anyone wants?” I asked.

“I’d get us some booze, but Constable Party Pooper says that ponies under 18 can’t have any,” Bubblegum muttered. “Though I’m not sure about this Duct Tape Vodka they have. It says it fixes heart, liver, and soul wounds. I’m pretty sure it does none of those things.”

“Alcohol doesn’t tend to do that, no,” Balmy replied. “Though, let’s avoid the Pinkie’s Every Flavour Soda. Last time I bought one, I got Cool Ranch. That was… not a good soda flavour.”

My stomach turned at the thought of ranch-flavoured soda. “Yeah, nope. None of that.”

Bubblegum scanned the shelves, then picked up a few bottles, a devious look on his face. “Hey Threnody. I think we need some grape juice.”

“Why?”

Bubblegum leaned in close.

“It’s expired, by like three years,” he explained in a whisper. “I bet it’s starting to turn into wine by now!”

I wasn’t sure that was how wine was made, but I was willing to try anything if my friends thought it was a good idea. Which Bubblegum clearly did.

“Grape juice, it is!” I said, trying not to sound nervous as he carried our illicit juice up to Verdant.

Once the changeling'd rang up our goods and given us the total, we left the Canteen in a good mood. Glitter dug into the cheesy balls, Bubblegum was slowly slurping down a tube of Baconooze and was making rather pleased noises. Balmy just hummed quietly as we trotted toward Rhiannon’s house.

Me? I felt extremely guilty. I had a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach about the grape juice. What if we got caught? What if the Constable learned of our illicit purchase to try to avoid his draconian and patently unreasonable measures to prevent underaged drinking?

“Bubblegum, we’re uh… we’re not gonna get in trouble for buying the grape juice, are we?” I asked, trembling slightly. I could feel the start of a nosebleed. Argh, curse my obvious sign of guilt!

Bubblegum stopped slurping on his cheese tube and looked at me. “Why? We just bought grape juice. We didn’t break into his personal bourbon stash.”

“Yeah but-”

“It’ll be fine, Threnody. I don’t even know if it’ll be what I want. At best we get grape juice that might not even have spoiled. At worst it’s vinegar and then we, uh, totally try to find some real alcohol or something. Or just play some games like you planned. Really the whole alcohol idea was for me.”

“Why?”

“Dude, I still am freaked out being inside here,” Bubblegum replied, looking up at the Stable’s high ceiling. “I think I may legit have some claustrophobia.”

Glitter put a wing over Bubblegum’s back. “Don’t worry, Bubblegum. I’ll keep you safe! If anything bad happens, I’ll just teleport us outside!”

Bubblegum gave Glitter a small smile. “I know you’re trying to cheer me up, but making it out of a cave in only to lose all the people I like in my life again is a prospect I can’t really ignore.” He was quiet for a moment before looking up at the big beaming alicorn and offering her a weak smile in return. “Well, almost all. I appreciate the thought, Glitter. Thank you.”

“No problem!”

The four of us piled into Lilac House’s small living area and set out our supplies. Rhiannon had given me permission to use the house for my ‘I’m-Sorry-I-Fucked-Up’ party, and let me know it was convenient that I was trying to do some things on my own so she could do some “adult things.” Her words, not mine. Whatever she was up to, it meant that I basically had Lilac House to myself for the next day or so.

“So, Balmy, can I ask a question?” Bubblegum asked, flopping on Rhiannon’s couch. He crossed his hooves and rested his chin on them. “A… friend question?”

Something mischievous in Bubble’s tone set one of my ears askew, and Balmy cocked his head to the side in confusion at it.

“I… guess?” Balmy replied. “I can try to answer as best I can!”

“Excellent. What way does Sagi’s barn door swing?”

Balmy made a slight choking sound before looking at me for help. I shrugged back helplessly.

“He’s your friend, Balmy, you’d know better than me!” I squeaked in reply, quickly setting to trying to get the ingredients out for the “I’m-sorry-I’m-a-bad-friend” cake.

Balmy whined, before looking at anyone but Bubblegum. “I uh… I mean, he’s mostly dated fillies,” he replied, his discomfort at answering washing over me. “Well, he may have gone out with a colt or two, but maybe they were just hanging out? So maybe it swings both ways? I don’t know!”

Bubblegum nodded sagely. “I see. Because I’ve noticed him staring at a lot of ponies, so I thought I’d ask.”

“I think he’s had a few fillyfriends? Well, no, I know he has. He and Emerald have this kinda on again, off again thing going on. It’s weird,” Balmy explained. “Though honestly for a while I thought he was gonna go out with Sour because they spend so much time together, but Sour really only likes girls. Then there’s Puddle who's had a huge crush on him since we were in middle school and-” Balmy cut himself off as Bubblegum snorted. “What?”

“Glitter, you owe me a soda,” Bubblegum said simply.

Glitter sighed, and began to shake her tail.

“Wh-why does Glitter owe you a soda?” Balmy asked, sounding the slightest bit distressed.

“Because he bet me a soda that you were the gossiper of the friendies,” Glitter explained, sticking her tongue out as she shook her tail harder. A moment later, a bottle of Sparkle~Cola fell out.

“Why is that Sparkle~Cola bright orange?” Bubblegum asked, picking up the bottle. “The heck is Sparkle~Cola Sunray?”

“Uh… I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it!” Glitter said, shaking her tail some more. “I thought I was just getting you a Sparkle~Cola!” A few tin cans and a stuffed dinosaur fell out of her tail. “Mr. Chompers!”

Bubblegum deftly opened the bottle and took a sip. “Huh, that’s… actually really good! It’s like… peachy, but with a bit of honey whiskey!” He spun the bottle around. “Oh. There’s actual whiskey in this! Well then!”

“How do you know what whiskey tastes like?” Balmy asked, moving to sit down on a cushion in the living room.

“How do you think?” Bubblegum replied, his expression neutral.

“O-oh, right. Wasteland. Haha,” Balmy chuckled awkwardly.

“Glitter, do you have any more of those in there?” Bubblegum asked, shaking Glitter’s tail, causing even more objects to fall out. “How? How do you have so much stuff in there? And Why?”

I rolled my eyes as Glitter whined about things she ‘needed’, which tended to amount to empty tin cans and weird food items that she picked up from Goddesses knew where. In the meantime, I set to working on the cake. I still wasn’t sure whether Pinkie Pie was right about mayonnaise going into the cake. Still, she specifically left the recipe in the Journal of Friendship, so she had to be right! Right?

As I scooped out what felt like an uncalled-for cup of mayo into a measuring cup, my spoon hit something hard. Puzzled, I felt around the condiment jar until something slid out. A small figure of Rainbow Dash, looking like the sole survivor of an explosion at a mayonnaise factory, stared up at me from the goopy mess on the counter.

“Why was there a Rainbow Dash in the mayo jar?” I muttered to myself.

“Wait what?” Glitter looked over at me. “Oh! You got a prize! Yay!”

“Okay more importantly, what the hell are you doing with that mayonnaise!?” Bubblegum asked. “Why are you putting it in that bowl?”

“Uh, I need it for the cake?”

“What kind of cake needs mayo?”

“The kind Pinkie Pie left a recipe for in the Journal of Friendship? Besides, she said that it makes for a really good chocolate cake! There’s like over a cup of cocoa in there!”

“Okay, first of all, where is the stable getting cocoa from? And second, I’m fairly certain that putting cocoa into mayonnaise isn’t gonna make it less mayonnaise!” Bubblegum said, getting up from the couch and entering the kitchen.

“I-I’m just following the recipe! I’m sure Pinkie Pie would know! She was a baker, after all!” I protested, holding the cup of mayo close to my chest.

“HONEY, YOU CAN’T DILUTE A WAR CRIME! IS THAT A CUP OF MAYO!?” Bubblegum shouted.

“We have some cocoa trees growing in the fields, if you wanted to know where the cocoa came from,” Balmy said softly.

Bubbles and I stared at each other for a long moment, serious expressions on both of our faces before we collectively cracked up and started laughing.

“Okay, fine. I’ll trust this… cake. But if this is bad, I’m blaming you, not a Ministry Mare!” Bubblegum teased.

“Fine, fine. But if you like it, I get credit!”

Bubblegum snorted. “No you don’t. That one’s on Pinkie!”

I stuck my tongue out at him before getting back to mixing the cake.

The door swung open as Sour let herself in.

“Afternoon, ponies!” She said, before flopping down on a cushion. “Emmy, Sagi, and Puddle will be along shortly. They had to go get Emerald out of a tree.”

“...Out of a tree?” Balmy asked gently.

“Yep! She teleported and ended up a tree and was too scared to teleport down. Do we have soda?” Sour asked, chuckling. “Honestly, I would have helped her out of the tree, but she yelled at me to go away 'cause Sagi said he’d carry her down.”

Bubblegum rolled his eyes. “Do fillies think that actually works? Playing the fair maiden?”

Of course Emerald thought it worked. I thought to myself as I finished mixing the cake into a batter and poured it into a cake pan.

“You’ve got me, Bubs,” Sour said, accepting an offered Sparkle~Cola from Balmy. “I always felt that it was better if I just got things done on my own. But Emmy says I am compulsively self-reliant or something.”

Being compulsively self-reliant felt violently familiar. I shoved that feeling down as I put the cake in the oven.

“Well, at least it gives me time to get the cake baking?” I said, grabbing a Sparkle~Cola Cherry from the fridge before fluttering over to sit down next to Balmy.

Bubblegum raised an eyebrow at my choice of seating for some reason.

“What?”

Bubblegum smirked at me before saying: “Nothing.”

I wanted to take his nothing and shove it up his butt, but I shook my head and waited for the inevitable knock at the door when the rest of our friends arrived.

“So Emerald and Sagi had a thing?” I asked, trying to catch up on the conversation that I’d been half paying attention to from the kitchen.

Sour snorted out a laugh. “You could say that. I mean, Balmy’s probably blabbed about it already, but Emerald and Puddle have both had a huge crush on Sagi for ages.”

“But you don’t?” I asked.

Sour shook her head. “Yeah, no. Sagi’s uh… not my type at all.”

“So you do have a type!” Bubblegum said conspiratorially. “I wonder what it is.”

Sour took a long sip of soda before answering. “Give me one of those Spark~Cola Sunrays and I’ll answer you.”

Balmy gave Sour a shocked look. “Sour! It has alcohol in it!”

“Oh, I know that,” she said with a smirk. “That’s why I want one!”

Balmy still looked scandalised when the door swung open again. Sagi fluttered in, carrying not Emerald, but Puddle, who held her forehoof and made ‘oof’ and ‘ouch’ sounds.

Sour stared at the Thestral. “How? I left you three alone for five minutes!”

“After I got Emmy out of the tree, Puddle tripped and sprained her ankle,” Sagi said, exasperated. “Look, I don’t know, I just live here, dude. I don’t know what you want from me.”

He gently set Puddle down on the couch.

I fluttered over to the freezer to grab an ice pack.

“I am so sorry you twisted your ankle, Puddle! This is not a good way to start off a party! Can I get you anything?” I asked, rushing into medic mode.

Puddle pulled me close and whispered in my ear.

“It doesn’t hurt, I just wanted Sagi to carry me, but please feel free to make it sound serious!” she said with a slight giggle before returning to her ‘oh, it hurts!’ routine.

I did my best to not roll my eyes as I gestured toward Sagittarius. “Hey, Sagi? Part of helping with the pain of twisted ankles is elevation. I need to borrow your back.”

“But you’ve got a whole stack of pillows!” Sagi whined.

“Yeah, but your back is just the right height to keep her hoof elevated while she ices it. Now be a good boy and sit next to Puddle. It is her party after all!”

Sagi grumbled as he flopped down on the couch next to Puddle. She made a show of her pain as I gently lifted her right forehoof onto Sagi’s back. She gave me a wink as I felt the icy stare of daggers coming from Emerald.

“I wanted to thank you, Threnody,” Puddle said as I placed a light cloth wrapping over her hoof, "for planning this."

“I think I need to apologise to you, so I went digging through the Journal of Friendship for ideas. Plus, uh, I knew that you really like Pinkie Pie so I figured some of her entries might help. For what it is worth, I am really sorry that I was a bad friend to you after uh… well, everything,” I replied, sitting down on the cushions on the floor next to Balmy.

“Well, I’ll work on forgiving you,” Puddle said, her words making me bubble up a little bit. “Though, I’ll need to try that cake you’re baking before I make a firm decision.”

“Deal!” I said, then smacked my forehead. “Argh! The frosting!”

I darted off to the kitchen as my friends began to talk amongst themselves. Sagi and Bubblegum talked a little about what the Punk had been saying on the radio about the NCR and the Commonwealth. I tried to tune in, but found that making the ganache frosting a little more attention-intensive than I’d have thought.

“Guys, can we talk about something that isn’t like… ponies fighting?” Puddle asked loudly. “I get it, but like… right now I just wanna have fun.”

“Oh! We could play a game!” Emerald perked up. “Hey Threnody, does Rhiannon have any party games?”

I thought for a moment, then remembered that there were boxes of foal’s games filling half of my closet.

“Uh, check the right side of the closet… in my room. I think those are all the, like, board games and things that Rhiannon had as a filly? I’m sure there’s a party game in there!” I replied, before putting on oven mitts and removing the cake. The rich smell of chocolate started to permeate the Lilac House living area as I set it on the stovetop to cool.

Sour and Emerald darted off into my room. I was suddenly glad that I’d had the forethought to tidy it up a bit. After a few moments and at least one distressing sound of cardboard falling over, the pair emerged, holding a large, black box between them.

“Oh my goddesses! SHE HAS IT!” Emerald said, her voice escalating to a shriek.

“Has what?” Bubblegum asked, looking confused.

“Cards Against Equestria! It’s… oh man it’s supposed to be like, really silly, but also a good way to see how dirty minded your friends are!” Emmy said with a smug smirk. “I bet Puddle’s is the dirtiest!”

“It is not!” Puddle protested as I joined my friends back in the seating area. She leaned on Sagi. “Sagi, tell her she’s wrong! I am as pure as the driven snow!”

Sagittarius snorted. “Yeah, uh, sure. As pure as the snow that’s been ploughed and has dirt in it.”

Puddle pouted and stuck her tongue out at Sagi.

“So… what do we do?” I asked, looking to Balmy for help. “I mean, sorry. I’ve never heard of this game, and I’m pretty sure that Bubblegum and Glitter haven’t either.” The former two nodded their heads in agreement.

“Oh, it’s pretty easy!” Sour said, shuffling a huge stack of cards. “You’ll catch on pretty quickly…”
______________________________________________________________________________

One hour, several game rounds, and a couple of sodas later, I learned that my friends were all terrible, perverted, horny teenage ponies who would make Celestia and Luna blush with their own degeneracy. I was never going to get the image of somepony trying to fill their butt with spaghetti, but everypony else seemed to think it was funny for some reason. I just wanted some brain bleach.

“We didn’t even need to break out the grape juice!” Bubblegum wheezed in as everyone laughed about the most recent round.

“Wait, grape juice?” Puddle asked, confused. “What does grape juice have to do with any of this?”

“Well, it’s expired by like 3 years, so Bubblegum thought it might turn into wine?” I explained, though my explanation was muffled somewhat by the fact that I’d buried my face in a pillow from embarrassment.

My asshole friends had decided that I made the most delightful squeaky noises when I was embarrassed, so obviously I had to read all of the stupid cards from the stupid game of lewdness.

“Okay, all I heard out of that was ‘wine’, Threnody,” Sour said, chuckling. “What?”

“I’ll drink it!” Puddle declared triumphantly from the couch. “I volunteer as tribute!”

“Puddle, I’m 100% positive that it isn’t actually wine,” Emmy cautioned. “It’ll probably be horrible!”

“Well, the cake is done, so like, at least if it’s bad, she’ll have something good to eat to cleanse the palate!” I said, lifting my head from the pillow.

Balmy gently patted my ponytail with a wing.

“Or the cake will make us all die,” Bubblegum muttered. He put his hooves up when I glared at him. “I’m just saying, you put a cup and a half of mayo in it.”

“Because Pinkie Pie’s recipe called for a half cup of mayo!” I protested, huffing as I got up and went to the kitchen to slice the cake.

Puddle followed me. “So wait, we don’t actually have wine? Just grape juice? Eh, what’s the harm in it!” she said, rummaging through Lilac House’s small fridge for the still-dusty bottle of expired grape juice. “Who is with me in this grand experiment?”

Thankfully, the only other friend who appeared to be lacking a brain in addition to any sense of moral propriety was Sagi, 'cause he was the only one who raised a hoof. Puddle poured the pair of them a generous glass of dubious fluid as I plated the cake and balanced the slices on my wing.

“Cheers!” Puddle said, clinking her plastic glass against Sagi’s as she took her seat next-to-but-basically-on-top-of-him. She took a sip, and immediately made a face like she regretted the decision.

Sagi’s face also twisted in a way I hadn’t seen a pony’s muzzle move before. It was like someone took the tip of his snout and twisted it to the left while he struggled to swallow. He managed, but just barely.

“Oh that is terrible!” He declared, setting down the offending glass of not wine and definitely no longer grape juice.

Puddle got up from her perch on Sagi and rushed to the bathroom. From the sputtering noises, it sounded like she hadn’t even braved an attempt to swallow the swill.

Bubblegum smirked as he continued to drink his Sparkle~Cola Sunray. “I guess it wasn’t a good year.”

Puddle glared at him as she returned from the bathroom, then quickly snagged a piece of cake from my wing. She bit down into it, then her eyes lit up.

“Oh my goddesses,” she moaned, doing a small prance on all four hooves. “Threnody, this is amazing!”

Bubblegum looked doubtful. “Okay, let me try.”

He accepted a piece of cake as Glitter levitated it over to him. Taking a hesitant bite, he closed his eyes, before chewing slowly. At first, I thought he hated it, then I realised I could feel his enjoyment washing off of him in warm, effervescent waves. No, it tasted good, and that upset him.

“Why is this good?” he whispered. “It has two cups of mayonnaise in it!”

Glitter shrugged. “It’s yummy! That’s all that matters!”

“I guess Pinkie Pie knew what she was talking about, huh, Bubbles?” I asked, passing out the rest of the cake to my remaining friends.

“I guess she did. Thank you, Pinkie Pie!” Bubblegum replied around a mouthful of cake.

I rolled my eyes and sat down next to Balmy. The next few moments were blessedly calm as my friends inhaled their cake, and in some cases went and got seconds. It helped me calm myself down after all of that indecency from earlier! Seriously, my chest hurt from embarrassment! I didn’t know that could happen!

“What should we do next, now that the wine is uh… not actually wine?” Emmy asked. “How about it, party girl?”

Puddle looked thoughtful for a moment, then licked a bit of frosting from her nose. “Um… how about Truth or Consequences?”

The Stable Fillies and Glitter’s eyes lit up. Sagi and Balmy groaned. Bubblegum and I just looked confused.

“What’s Truth or Consequences?” I asked hesitantly. “That sounds… very ominous.”

Emerald’s eyes lit up. “Oh! It’s a game where you either tell a truth about yourself, or if you’re too embarrassed, you spin the bottle and have to kiss someone! I mean, if everyone is okay with that. That’s one of the rules.”

Balmy made an embarrassed noise that I violently related to, but he seemed to nod his consent. Sagi and Bubblegum shrugged and said ‘sure.’ The other girls were all in, so all eyes fell on me.

Of course the one other degenerate party game would involve the two things I hated most in this world: kissing and telling the truth about myself. What sadist came up with this game? This sounded awful. A bottomless whirlpool twisted and churned into being somewhere around my stomach as I looked back at all those expectant eyes.

“I… fine,” I muttered, really not wanting this but wanting to disappoint anyone even less.

Maybe they’d just ask me a dumb question like what my favourite colour was. Then I could tell the truth and not have to kiss anyone.

“Yay!” Puddle cheered, then knocked over an empty Sparkle~Cola bottle. “I’ll spin first to see who gets the first question!” She spun the bottle. I tried very, very hard to not stare at it as the bottle settled on Glitter Bomb.

“Okay, Truth or Consequences, Glitter! Are there any adults in the Stable that you would kiss?”

Glitter tapped her chin with the tip of her hoof. “Hmm… maybe Dr. Brightwork. He seems nice!”

I was puzzled over that answer. I had been checked out by the rather effusive stallion briefly, but I didn’t see anything special in him. Though I supposed it was Glitter’s choice.

“Ah, I see! I think Dr. Brightwork’s husband might be a little upset, but that’s understandable. Now you spin!” Puddle instructed.

Glitter spun the bottle, and it landed on Emerald.

“Okay Emmy, Truth or Con…conse-consequences!” Glitter managed to say without falling into her glitterisms. “Would you rather hold hooves with a filly or a colt?”

Emmy chuckled. “Filly. Hooves down,” she said, spinning the bottle.

This time, it landed on Sagi. She smirked at him. Sagi sank slightly into the couch.

“Truth or Consequences, Sagi. Are there any fillies in class you have a crush on?”

Sagi made a distressed noise, before spinning the bottle. It landed on Bubblegum.

“Okay, that’s weird, but hey it’s my consequence so-”

Sagi made a move to get off of the couch toward Bubblegum. The big colt met him halfway, grabbed Sagi’s face, and kissed him deeply.

With a surprised squeak, eyes wide, Sagi snapped his wings open and bapped Puddle in the face. The kiss lasted a solid five seconds before Bubblegum let go with an impish grin on his face.

Sagi stared at him, dumbfounded.

“DUDE! DID YOU HAVE TO USE TONGUE!?” the batpony shouted, his face red from his cheeks to the tips of his fluffy ears.

Emmy fanned her face. “I uh… wow, I didn’t expect that!”

Puddle giggled, a blush on her face. “Well that’s a consequence for you! You chose it! You got smooched!”

Glitter looked back and forth between Sagi and Bubblegum.

“I think I like it when the boys kiss. They should do it again.”

Bubblegum wiggled his eyebrows seductively at Sagi, who squeaked softly.

“I don’t even like boys, and I think I like it when the boys kiss,” Sour admitted, fanning herself with a wing.

“It seems our adoring fans want an encore,” Bubblegum said seductively.

Sagi grumbled, but I couldn’t help but notice he seemed to have a hard time getting his wings down. He spun the bottle with the tip of his hoof. It spun around a solid ten times before finally settling on Balmy, who looked very much less than enthused.

“Balmy, Truth or Consequences! Do you have a secret that you’ve never told any of us that you’ve wanted to tell?”

Balmy froze, and I was sitting close enough to him that I could sense the panic welling up inside of him. It felt like he might have something that was bothering him, but I could tell that this was not the way he planned on discussing it with his friends!

“Would… would it be better if you said it to just one friend?” I asked, hoping that would give him an out, or at least maybe make it easier to choose to spin the bottle instead of saying what his secret was until he was ready.

Balmy seemed to relax.

“Yes, actually. Uh, is that okay, Puddle?” he asked.

Puddle shrugged. “I mean, technically Sour asked, but if there’s someone you’d rather tell it to…”

“Yes!” Balmy nearly shouted, then blushed. “Uh, can I tell Threnody?”

“Me?”

“Yeah uh… if that’s okay?”

I looked at Puddle, who made a slight shoo-ing motion with her hooves. “I uh, I guess? Do you wanna tell me in, like, my room?”

Balmy nodded. “Yeah that’d be uh, that’d be great. Go ahead and spin for me please, Puddle!”

Balmy and I left the general chaos of the living room and entered the calm of my room. Balmy seemed unsure of what to do with himself, so I hopped up onto my bed and patted a spot next to me. He gingerly got on my bed, then looked down at his hooves.

“Your secret must be kinda big, huh?” I asked, picking up the Sweetie Belle plushie from the head of my bed and passing her to him. “Emotional support friend?”

Balmy accepted the toy and hugged her before responding.

“I mean, I guess you’d be the emotional support friend but- oh my gosh, Sweetie Belle is so soft!” He buried his muzzle in her mane. “Yeah I just… you ever carry something around with you so long that it’s really hard to admit to other ponies?”

I tried to avoid making a choking noise.

“Hahaha, yeah uh, kinda?” I stammered, before trying to collect myself. “I mean, doesn’t everyone after a while?”

“I guess. I just… I’m afraid of what they’re all gonna think,” he said, gesturing toward the door. “Cause it’s like, not super huge, but it’s big enough that I don’t wanna be judged.”

“I mean, unless you lost Puddle’s bunnies, I don’t think there’s much she’s gonna judge you for. Or anyone else, for that matter. Though I am curious why you wanted to tell me. I thought you’d be closer with like, Sagi or Sour!”

Balmy met my eyes, his own eyes intense. “You’d get it faster than they would.”

I looked away from that intensity, uncomfortable with the trust he was showing. “I… I mean I appreciate that, I just… erm. What I’m trying to say is thank you, and my ears are open.” I said, coughing into a hoof.

Balmy curled his wings around himself, and I could feel the maelstrom of emotions inside of him whirling about as he fought to steady the storm. It took him a moment, but one of the few things I was really good at with other ponies was giving them the time and space to find the words they needed to speak.

“I’ve felt off for a long time,” he started, playing with the Sweetie Belle plushie’s hooves. “Since I was a young foal, really. Everypony else seemed to kinda understand things that I didn’t, and fit into roles that they were born into. Whereas like, everything I did made me feel like I was wearing a mismatched pair of socks. Like I could pretend that I was one thing or the other, but neither really fit me well. I was always kinda trying to mask who I really was.

“I’ve been talking to Rhiannon and Mr. Vetiver a lot about it, and they’ve been encouraging me to share my feelings with my friends. Or with someone I feel safe with. And, I guess I am sharing it with you because like, I think you’ll understand? Or at least, if you don’t understand, you’ll try to. Like, really try to.”

“That’s usually what I do try to do for anyone, Balmy," I said. "But especially ponies who have done the same for me!”

“I know,” Balmy said with a smile, before taking in a bracing breath. “And I think I am kinda over-talking right now because my chest feels like I have a Force 10 Gale hitting it constantly. I, uh…” he took a deep breath. “I think I was supposed to be a filly.”

I was nodding as I listened to the last sentence. “Wait, come again?”

“I think I was supposed to be a filly,” Balmy continued. “I’ve always felt like that, ever since I can remember understanding the differences between fillies and colts. I felt like I was supposed to be on the filly’s side when we were supposed to divide up between boys and girls. I feel more comfortable when ponies who don’t know me and hear my voice accidentally refer to me as ‘she.’ That’s… kinda what I mean.”

I nodded as Balmy explained themselves. “I see. I think I remember reading about ponies with those feelings. And, well, I’ve actually worked with a few alicorns who used to be boys before they became alicorns. I know that they are working on reviving the gender treatment potions that existed before the war. Um… I’m going to try to not screw this up, so bear with me, but did you like… want to be referred to as she?” I asked.

Balmy nodded. “That… was kinda what I wanted to start doing. There’s not a lot that the Stable can do right now, and Rhiannon said I’m not quite old enough for anything anyways, but… I think I’d rather start trying to be me, as opposed to pretending to be a colt. Which… I’m kinda bad at.”

He… she did have a point about that. Balmy never really seemed to be too into things I mentally associated with colts. Though, thinking about it, I didn’t really have very good boxes for what colts and fillies did differently. Just… maybe how they made themselves look. And even that varied a lot.

Bubblegum was very comfortable being a boy, he just had a long mane like a filly and took good care of it. On the opposite side, Blackjack did a lot of rough and tumble things, but didn’t seem to care about her appearance so much like other mares I knew. Gender, to me, at least, seemed to be more about which pronoun someone used and how they made themselves appear, and less about any really well defined social role. But in this case, I was kind of an outsider looking in. Ponies were weird creatures, and trying to figure them out always made me feel like an alien from another planet like the characters from a science fiction book I read once.

“I am totally willing to do that for you, Balmy! I uh… hope you aren’t looking for advice on how to be a good filly 'cause I think I’m bad at it. Not like… I wanted to be a colt or anything. Just…” I shrugged helplessly. “Like, I look at Sour and Puddle and Emerald and they seem to know more about what it means to be an adolescent filly than I ever will.”

Balmy laughed brightly. “No, that’s… no, that’s okay I don’t think I need that!” she said. “I just… needed someone I feel safe with to tell first. That’s why I told you.”

“Well, I’m glad to be your safe someone!” I flopped onto my back on my bed, hugging Scootaloo close to my chest. “I mean, goodness knows you’ve done that enough for me since I came here!”

She joined me in staring at the leafy ceiling of my room. “Well, I haven’t minded doing that either. I knew you were hurting a lot, and not just 'cause I was a heartmender. But, you know, I’ve said that before and whatever,” she sighed. “Like, my mom is kind of a mess, you know? The others don’t know this, but she really spends too much time drinking and didn’t spend a ton of time with me when I was younger. So when I met you, I felt like you might understand. You have that same look in your eyes that I see in the mirror sometimes. And… it makes me want to reach out to you!”

I heard the sound of her wings shuffling on top of the quilt that covered my bed. A feeling like an electric current through water rippled through me as the edge of her wing lightly touched mine.

“I also was kinda hoping you’d be willing to reach back.”

I don’t know why it took me until that moment to finally understand that Balmy liked me. Well, not just liked me. Her touch, whether she meant it to or not, transmitted her feelings of affection and… and attraction to me. Me! The lumpiest 'tato of a pegasus! AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! What was I supposed to do with that knowledge?!

“I, augh!” I pulled my wing closer to me. “Argh, I am sorry, Balmy, I… uh.”

“Wha-oh. Oh! Oh, no, no, no! I am so sorry! I didn’t… well, I mean, I do but I wasn’t trying to say that,” she said, turning bright red and curling up around Sweetie Belle. “I meant that you’d be willing to listen to me, too, sometimes not that I, well, I mean, I do but I didn’t want to… aaaaaaa!”

Somehow, watching someone else go through the same steps of the existential crisis I was experiencing helped. It was in a small way, one that didn’t remove the butterflies from my stomach or the confusion from my head at what to do with that information, but it made me feel less feather-brained by comparison. Or maybe just as feather-brained, but misery did tend to love company.

“Okay, so full disclosure I am kind of a mess,” Balmy said, rolling back over to face me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for you to know, uh… that part of my appreciation of you as a friend. I just…”

She shrugged helplessly.

“I-it’s okay,” I stammered. “I am a mess too. Just ask Puddle. Well, don’t ask Puddle, you already did and yet you still… you know, wow, is it warm in here?”

I fanned myself with a wing, feeling like my face was being blasted with water at the temperature I tended to prefer for showers.

“Just a little but, uh, no really, I am sorry!”

“Please don’t apologise! I am just as bad at feelings and I don’t know what to do with this information 'cause the last few times I thought I had crushes on ponies I think I just was confusing my feelings for someone paying attention to me, and mistaking that for something deeper,” I blurted out, then stared at the blue and white pattern of my quilt as the realisation dawned that I had somehow managed to precisely describe what I had done to both Blackjack and Puddle. “I… oh, wow, I’m so fucked up.”

Balmy moved closer to me, then repeatedly extended and retracted her wing as she variated between concern and panic. She finally settled on sitting a respectful distance from me and fretting with her hooves.

“I… I mean, Rhiannon hasn’t let me work with anypony as a heartmender before, but uh, based on my own limited life experiences, I think that’s, uh… kind of a normal response when you end up sort of feeling like you’re not loved by a parental figure? And when you try to deal with that hurt you end up jumping around to attach yourself to the first someone who is nice to you. It's hard to not be like, well, wow, is this love?”

Ugh, that was disgustingly accurate. Balmy really needed to stop doing that mirroring thing that I hated so much. I already had a terrible relationship with real mirrors. I didn’t need to look at my emotional ones!

Or maybe I did, and doing so just made me extremely grumpy.

I sighed.

“I’m not upset with you, Balmy,” I said as she looked slightly hurt as she sensed my frustration. “I’m just… I don’t do well looking in the mirror. Physical or metaphorical, in this case.”

“Oh, sorry. I just… Again, I like you, and I trust you. And sometimes it’s nice to have someone to mirror. Even if what is in the mirror looks like it went through a windstorm and your mane is kind of a mess,” she replied.

I laughed at her metaphor.

“I’m pretty sure it’s more than just my mane that's a mess. Sticks everywhere, maybe some leaves. I might as well be a forest spirit that can speak a mud and dirt language!”

Hey, I know some of those! Huey whispered in my ear. I ignored him.

“But no, I think… I think Rhiannon — and probably Sandalwood and Slate — would tell me that it’s healthy for me to recognize that.”

Balmy smiled at me and nodded.

“That’s good! And… I am sorry if me telling you, uh… by accident how I feel makes things weird.”

“It’s… really not the weirdest fucking thing in my life right now, Balmy.”

I feel a little embarrassed to say that Balmy and I kinda spent the rest of the evening talking together in my bedroom. It wasn’t until Rhiannon knocked on my door at close to one in the morning that I realised that my friends had all fallen asleep in the living room while we talked. She shook her head at Balmy and I, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like ‘teenagers’, then said she was going to put blankets over my friends.

Balmy crashed with me in my little bed. There wasn’t a lot of room for us, but we both awkwardly tried to stack the trio of CMC plushies between us to give us some comfort. That didn’t stop me from having some very vivid dreams about her while I slept.

Nor did it help my own feelings of confusion about her when I woke up with her wing over my back and my tail twisted up in hers.

… And it felt really nice.

AUGH! Why was everything so complicated?!