A Different World

It was more like a swimming pool than a bath. Good grief, Charlie Brown, you could hold the olympics in here. Well, not really.

Anyway, there I was, sitting in the middle of the biggest bubble bath I have ever bathed in, while maids were helping clean the dirt and grime off of me. I was beginning to wonder if the bubbles in the bath are to conceal the filth coagulating in the water around me.

Originally, I thought I was black and red. Turns out it was just dirt and blood. The amount I was caked with really seemed to disturb them. Enough that the maids refused to continue scrubbing me down before being issued a few pairs of fishing waders.

I also think the stench was getting to everyone. As they had lit incense and scented candles around the edge of the bath. I was half expecting someone to start covering the surface of the water with rose petals. Ew. Not in this sewage.

"I'm afraid we'll need to drain the bath a few times before he's properly cleaned, your majesty," one of the maids told Celestia, who sat a good distance back from the edge of the mirky water.

The white princess sighed as she gave me a pitying stare. It was rather annoying, but refreshing. I can hardly remember the last time everyone wasn't trying to kill me. This kindness could get addictive.

Hmm. Better show my appreciation to my hosts.

"Thank you," I said, turning to Celestia, who jolted a bit in her seat.

"F-for w-w-what?" she stuttered, as though she didn't understand. Did she not get thanked very much? Aw. That's sad. Such a kind and pretty lady like her should be be drowning in gratitude.

"For feeding me and giving me a good cleaning," I replied, lifting a hoof from the water to examine it. Cool, it would appear I was a neon blue in color.

"If anything, we should be apologizing to you," the kind princess reasured me with an apologetic smile. "It was under our watch that a stallion such as you fell into such terrible misfortune. How many more have been abused without our knowledge."

Even the maids seemed upset.

"Wow, you really take animal abuse seriousely," I said as I dropped my hoof back into the water, making a little splash of blackened water. "You may need to drain the water now."

"You consider yourself an animal?" Celestia asked with an edge of disgust in her voice. It would seem my formulated theory about this world was wrong, thus, I did not know how to respond.

"Do you not know what you are?" she asked, sounding very worried.

"At the moment? A horse," I explained.

"Pony," she corrected me. Quite forcefully too, I might add. They really didn't like that word. "You're a pony."

"Okay, I'm a pony," I said, spreading my wings defensively. Did I mention I have wings? Oh, and a horn too. Apparently that's what Luna meant when she called me an alicorn, and promptly declared I was a royal consort. I've seen plenty of winged ponies, horned ponies, and ponies with neither, but it would seem that ponies with both were rare, as I've only seen three, myself included. "Anyway, it's hard to tell what I am, I've only been here for about... four hours? Maybe?"

"Ugh," the other alicorn groned in a longsuffering fashion. "Neither of us is getting through to each other."

"Well, there was a lot of screaming, a shouting, and eating, and now cleaning," I chuckled lightly. "Maybe we should start over. Like, here, my name is Selfen Surt. And you are?"

Celestia actually laughed a bit. "Very well, Mr. Surt."

"Please, Mr. Surt was my father," I scoffed. "Call me Selfen."

Ooh, she liked that. "Well, then, Selfen. I am Princess Sol Invictus Celestia, Diarch of Equestria, and mover of the very sun itself."

"Well, someone didn't skimp on the titles," I said in a chipper tone. Mover of the sun? You know what, in a place like this, I might just believe that.

"There are many more, and all of them earned, I assure you," Celestia followed up, giving me a broad smirk.

"I'm sure they are," I chuckled in a good fashion. "Now, I have been told I was a stallion. Other than being male, what exactly does that mean?"

Again, I got another odd look. If only those were translatable into actual answers.

"It means you're the counterpart to us females," she responded slowly. Gee, that's vague.

"I do understand the biology of male and female, thank you very much," I said, feeling rather indignant. "Though, you're all female, from what I've seen. Where are the males of your species?"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me like I was a total moron. What was I missing? It was a legitimate question. I demand answers.

"You are the male of our species." Speak of the devil. Also... Whiskey - Tango - Foxtrot. Say what?

"But you have hands and walk on two legs, and I walk around on all fours like a common animal," I pointed out. "Are you delusional or something?"

Celestia growled impatiently, rubbing her temples to calm her rising temper. I stealthily shifted my position in preparation to bolt for the window. Sure, I'd get cut up, and the fall might be quite a ways, but, it would be a perfect oppurtunity to test out my new wings.

"Please, don't run," Celestia cried, holding out her arms in front of her and waving her hands desperately. Apparently I'm not as stealthy as I thought. Dang it. "I'm sorry, I'm expecting far too much of you, Selfen Surt. Please, forgive my impatiance."

I relaxed. A little. "Okay... explain to me... as if I were child who doesn't know where babies come from."

Celestia nodded, quickly signalling the maids to get back to cleaning. This was the part where they began to drain the bath so they would have some clean water to soak me in. I swear, I'm going to look like the world's biggest raisen by the time we're done.

"Mares are born bipedal, and stallions are quadropedal," Celestia explained in the simplest fashion I had ever heard. Well, I feel like an idiot. Again.

So that's what I've been missing. Here I am looking for the fellas, and I've already seen them. I am one of them. So that guard wasn't into horses, she was just looking at prime husband material. I'm not going to deny it.

"Well, I guess that answers that," I grinned sheepishly. "I really have figured that one out for myself."

"No-no, it's alright," Celestia reasured me with a motherly smile. "You're very confused and disorianted. Just becuase you can talk, doesn't mean you know everything."

"That's another thing," I piped shifted myself a bit as the maids began filling the bath back up. Boy, that was some drain. "Why is it that Luna said it should be impossible for me to talk? Are stallions not allowed to talk?"

Celestia was taken aback. "What kind of moron would a rule prohibiting them to talk?"

"Too many," I responded with a shrug. "But, that's not answering my question. Why is it so surprising that I can talk?"

Celestia looked like she was a about to say soemthing, but then thought better of it and took a deep breath. She stood up from her chair and poised herself as though she were teacher adressing her a young student.

"While we mares have congratulated ourselves as the creators of the civilized world, we dare not neglect our marvelous stallions, without whom, civilization would not be possible. A fool would glance at them and compare them to lowly beasts of the field, running on base instincts and an urge to mate.

"Such a concept could not be further from the truth. All males can be observed to have an intelligence level far above that of any animal. While hardly capable of understanding abstract concepts, they excell and, I daresay, surpass us mares in many fields of industrial practices.

"Such proof has been observed in colts as young as three years of age in contolled studies that have been repeated throughout the ages. In one such study, scientists took a group of ten colts and demonstrated the construction of a fence for them. After some encouragment, the colts suceeded in constructing the fence a further ten feet before growing bored and playing with the tools. Which were then removed so that they would not hurt themselves.

"This study shows that they are capable of understanding the mechanical language of show-and-tell. Even without hands or mastery of magic, they managed to crudely imitate such a small feat of engineering with no previous experience. The fact that they grew bored demonstrates another facinating aspect of their nature, one that pushes us to enrich our lifestyle through new fashions and inventions. This way they will not endanger themselves while seeking the excitement so crave.

"They are also quick to understand the concept of money. Being natural and adaptive providers for their families, they can learn, without any help or encouregement, that performing physical tasks we mares don't want to do, they can keep their families safe and warm. There are countless cases where a stallion becomes the soul provider of his household.

"However, this loving gesture can be easily discouraged if the mares of his household do not reward him for his hard work. Loyal, the stallion will not leave his mates, but may cease trying to earn money and grow depressed.

"In cunclusion, stallions, though they are fewer in numbers than mares, and are incapable of higher thought, are still our equals. Which is why you must treat them with the utmost respect, young Twilight Sparkle."

"Who's Twilight Sparkle?" I asked, holding back laughter. She had just gone into autopilot. It was probably an old, yet meaningful lecture from her past.

Celestia's eyes popped open wide. She turned bright red and slapped her hand over her eyes in embarrassment. "Sorry. I still have some PTSD from my student."

Still, it was a facinating lecture. The only one during which I did not fall asleep. But, I really hope that there aren't anymore.