“Nooo!” you cry helplessly, running around in circles in the vast expanse of nothingness that is your new home. Everytime you push off the ground you fly through the air as if gravity has somehow lessened. “This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening!”

As you float across the sky, you stare back at the earth, concentrating as hard as possible on it so that you may return to it.

Alas, that effort is for not, as you remain stranded on the moon.

“Surely I’m dreaming! There has to be some kind of mistake! There’s gotta be something I’m missing! I’m not supposed to be here! I’m not supposed to be here!”

You kick the surface of the moon as hard as you can, sending you flying into the air before you slowly float back down.

“Oh no,” you whimper pathetically. “Oh no! This isn’t happening! This can’t be real! None of this is real!”

You shut your eyes as tightly as you can and imagine your bedroom, trying to wake yourself up from this nightmare. Opening your eyes a few moments later, you notice nothing has changed.

“No! This is wrong! This isn’t right!”

==========

“This is complete bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!” you scream, picking up a rock and throwing it at the earth. “This is bullshit! I hate this stupid moon! I hate those stupid ponies who put me here! I hate everything! Everything! Everything! What am I supposed to do now?!”

Your words are left unheard by every being in the universe except you.

“Dumb ponies! They got lucky, that’s all! If that blue horse didn’t put me under some kinda spell, I would’ve slapped her right across her long face! They’re lucky to be alive right now! You hear me?! You’re lucky to be alive!”

The earth shows no immediate signs of having heard your pained ramblings, but that doesn’t deter you.

“When I return, and I shall return! I will kill every pony in the world! Ponies will know true fear when they see my return! I will use my superior human intellect to escape this cursed rock and then wreak havoc on my enemies! Mwah ha ha!”

==========

“Gods! Hear me!” you cry, tears rolling down your cheeks with you on your knees and your hands up to heavens. “If you see it in your mercy to return me to my kingdom, I will sacrifice unto you all the ponies in the world! S-Surely there is no greater gift a man can offer!”

You gaze up to the heavens but continue to receive no replies. But surely someone out there must be listening to you. They have to!

“I can give you the world!” you scream. “I can give you all you desire! And then some! I will be your grateful pawn on earth! I will be a prophet of destruction or good, whatever you desire! Use me as your puppet for all time! But please! Please return me to my k-king-d-dom! Wah!”

You cry, wiping at your eyes so the gods don’t see you in such a pathetic state. Surely they will look unfavorably on a coward, so you must try to be strong.

But it isn’t working, so you cry harder.

“I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I hate it here! I want to go home!”

You kick at the moon, hoping that if you destroy it you will return to earth, but it shows no sign of moving.

“Gods help me. Gods help me! Return me to my rightful kingdom, and I will give unto you! I will give everything! I will give myself! Use me as you will! But get me out of here! Please!”

==========

“Oh, man, this would happen to me, a total screw up,” you grumble, clutching the sides of your head while you sit on a rock, holding back tears. The crying is giving you a headache. “How could I be so stupid? The gods won’t save me. No one will save me. No one cares about me. No one cares I’m up here all alone. No one cares about me.”

You pick up a rock and sadly toss it a few feet away, watching it roll.

“I’m so stupid. I should’ve listened to Twilight. I didn’t even bring home milk like she asked me to… I’m so useless. It’s for the best I’m up here. At least now I can’t screw anything up or get in anyone’s way… Everyone is better off with me up here. Nobody will even notice I’m gone…”

==========

“I proclaim myself: Lord King of the Moon! All of those who come under my dominian will be my subjects and have to live under my rule! Because I’m king! Mwah ha ha!”

You stand tall, hands on your hips as you gaze proudly upon your new empire of rock. It’s a bit of a fixer upper, but it’s yours. It’s all yours!

“This is my new home! I will live here! I will flourish here! I own the entirety of the moon! No pony can boast such an accomplishment! What a tremendous day for human achievement! I will go down in the history books for all eternity. They’ll call me ‘Lord King of the Moon’ from now until the end of time!”

The moon is actually better than the earth in one key aspect: the relative lack of gravity. Most ponies back on earth had impeccable balance because of their 4 legs. You had poor balancing skills, and were often picked on because of it.

But here? It takes you so long to trip over that you’ll never fall! It’s a paradise!

“And no ponies will be allowed here! This is a no pony zone! Only humans and badasses like me will have the honor of gracing the surface of this beloved moon! The earth has only one moon, and I own it! Every feat of conquest and victory pales in comparison to what I have achieved today! I am conqueror of the unconquerable! I am a god!”

==========

“Well, that was a fun way to pass 15 minutes. Only 1,000 years to go.”

Juggling was difficult on earth, but up here, it’s not a problem! You’re excellent at it, as a matter of fact. Just toss up a rock, wait a few seconds, and back down it comes again! Simple stuff.

Of course, juggling is simple for you, because you are a superior human, and not some stupid pony. Ponies don’t even have fingers because ponies suck.

==========

“Twilight was right,” you shiver, “I should’ve brought my dumb scarf.”

You sit on a rock, huddling as far into your jacket as you can, remarking on how cold it’s getting. At least your tongue feels better.

“The cold may dissuade some, but not I! My empire may be going through a bit of a cold spell at the moment, but this is no problem! Not for someone like me! Not for a conqueror! Not for a god!”

You shiver, steeling yourself for the oncoming winter. You don’t know if the moon is warmer or colder depending on the month, but you’ll find out eventually.

“If I could have wielded the Elements of Harmony to their full power, those cowards who dare call themselves princesses would be dust! Literally! I would have literally turned them into dust! And their stupid castle too! I would’ve turned them and their stupid castle into dust!”

You take a deep, reflective breath, watching the earth slowly turn.

“Stupid pony magic doesn’t f-ing working though. I should’ve known. All ponies do is lie, so I should’ve known those elements were just a bunch of glowing rocks that don’t do anything. Stupid lying ponies and their deceitful nature! All they do is lie. Just look at this! The earth is spinning, just like humans have always said! That big butt white princess thinks she raises the sun because her ass is as big as it.”

If only these ponies were standing before you so they may be roasted by your insults. They would surely be unable to stand in your presence after being so handily verbally opposed!

“And don’t get me started on that other one,” you say to nobody. “That dark one. The one with the shiny eyes and hair. She was trying to seduce me! She put me under some kind of witchcraft so I’d be too busy thinking she was pretty to fight her."

You begin pacing, trying to get some of your extra energy expended.

“I’m glad to be rid of Twilight. No, really, I am! All she did was nag me and make fun of me. We had sex like, once, and she loved it, but she refuses to admit it! But perhaps she can’t help it. Ponies are liars by nature, so she has to lie at all times. That just means I am a sex god!”

You run up and kick a rock, watching it skip along surface of the moon.

"Twilight will never find a greater lover than I! She will soon discover the error of her ways, mistreating me. That is, if she hasn't realized it yet!"

Perhaps you should turn your attention to another matter for a while.

==========

“What this place needs is a castle! Just like the one those tyrants had!”

You walk across the surface of the moon, trying to find a nice place to begin construction of such a palace.

“If they had one, I must have an even bigger one! The moon is pretty droll, not a whole lot to see, but that’ll change very soon! Once I get a palace built, that’s all anyone will talk about! A palace on the moon! How amazing is that?!”

Now it’s just a matter of finding a flat piece of land and getting the materials together.

“I guess it’d have to be made of lunar rocks. I don’t see a hardware store around here anywhere. Guess I’ll have to build it myself. I don’t know how, but how hard could it be? If ponies do it, I can! I can do it… tomorrow! Tomorrow is a great day for building things.”

You try to find a nice place to lie down for a nap. There are no beds here, so the rocks will have to do. You try your best to get comfy, and even though it’s incredibly uncomfortable, you tell yourself otherwise.

“This will just take some getting used to. It’s cold and hard but it’s my kingdom, so I’ll get used to it.”

You sigh, nestling in for the night. Or day. Or whatever time it is.

“Tomorrow will be a better day. I will get to building my palace, and everyone will be jealous,” you yawn. “I will be king and everyone will love me.”

Author's Note

No this is not meant to be taken seriously (yet at least).

This has gotten pretty bad feedback, especially compared to my other stories.