Author's Note
This idea came into my head as I was eating dinner and I had to write it down, so I finished it in a couple of hours. If the premise wasn't enough to convince you to not take this seriously, let me just say this outright: do NOT take this seriously. I don't in the slightest.
Anyway, enjoy!
The Only Chapter
"I just don't understand it." Twilight sighed as she paced back and forth on the library floor in front of the three fillies. "How in Equestria did you manage to build a bomb?"
"Well..." said Scootaloo slowly. "Well, first we wanted to try Cutie Mark Dennis-tree--"
"Dentistry," Sweetie Belle corrected immediately.
"Yeah, dentistry. But then when Daisy started screaming--"
"We thought it might not be a real good idea," said Apple Bloom. "Especially after Miz Minuette came runnin' in and demanded 'er tools back."
"So we thought we'd try something different!" Sweetie Belle said.
"Cutie Mark Lumpy Snacks!" added Scootaloo.
"Lumberjacks," corrected Sweetie.
"Dictionary," teased Scootaloo.
"But that didn't work," sighed Apple Bloom, "an' we got covered in tree sap. Again."
"So we thought we'd try Cutie Mark Bomb Building, and then defuse it so it wouldn't blow up Ponyville," Scootaloo put in.
"But we couldn't defuse it," said Sweetie Belle, "and...well...you know the rest."
"You're lucky there were witnesses and that I was able to contain the explosion," Twilight said, frowning. "How did you even figure out how to build a bomb in the first place?"
Sweetie Belle produced a book entitled Everything Nopony Will Tell You About Bombs, and as soon as Twilight saw both the title and the label that proclaimed it was property of the Golden Oaks library, she hurriedly levitated it out of Sweetie's hooves and shelved it. Making a mental note to blacklist these fillies from ever entering any library anywhere, ever, Twilight rubbed her head and faced the trio again. "Listen, girls...I think you should go see a motivational speaker."
"A note-vilification speaker?" Scootaloo tried. "Why would we want to see somepony who insults ponies, takes notes on it, and then speaks about it?"
"No, Scootaloo, a motivational speaker," Twilight said patiently. "Somepony who will hopefully encourage you to look at different ways of getting your cutie marks."
"But we already try so many different ways of getting our cutie marks!" Sweetie Belle protested.
"No, I mean different methods," Twilight clarified. "Give you a different outlook on how to move forward in life."
"Why would we wanna do that?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Girls, do I have to remind you again of what almost happened today?"
The three of them looked toward the ground. "Sorry, Twilight," they said in unison.
"It's okay," replied Twilight, smiling slightly, but then she frowned again. "But don't do anything dangerous, okay? I'll get you a motivational speaker within the week."
"I can't believe Twilight wants us to get a motor-face-ural speaker!" Scootaloo groused as they trudged to their clubhouse through Sweet Apple Acres.
"Motivational," corrected Sweetie Belle. "But still! We don't need motivation!"
"Ah agree; we never need motivation!" Apple Bloom proclaimed. "We're always ready tuh get our cutie marks no matter what it takes!"
As they approached a tree with a particularly thick trunk, a particularly overweight hairless ape creature with glasses, greasy hair, and a tight belt stepped out from behind it and directly into the fillies' path.
"How's everybody doing?" yelled the creature loudly.
The fillies screamed.
"Good! Good!" said the creature slightly less loudly, but still louder than what was generally considered as normal speaking tone. "My name is Matt Foley! And I am a motivational speaker!"
"You're a motivational speaker?!" yelled Scootaloo. "I thought we'd be talking to a pony, or a griffon, or maybe a minotaur!"
Apple Bloom nudged Scootaloo hard. "Scootaloo!" she hissed.
Matt Foley continued undeterred as if he hadn't heard what the fillies had said. "Now let's start by giving you an idea of what my life is like!" he said. "I am thirty-five years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!" He pointed forcefully in the general direction of the Ponyville River as he said this last phrase.
"What's a van?" Sweetie asked curiously.
"What's 'divorced'?" Apple Bloom asked.
"Why haven't I seen anything by the river?" Scootaloo wanted to know.
"This is to show you how your lives will end up!" Matt Foley said. "When you're living in a van down by the river, don't blame ol' Matt! It's not gonna be all fun and games as you get older!"
"So am I going to be wondering why I haven't seen anything by the river when I'm thirty-five?" asked Scootaloo, missing the point entirely.
"No, you're gonna be wondering why you didn't listen to me when I told you that you won't amount to nothing!" Matt Foley stepped close to Sweetie Belle and jabbed his finger at her. "Now, young lady, what do you wanna do with your life?"
Sweetie Belle shrunk back, startled, and tried to answer. "Um...I wanna get my cutie mark," she said quietly.
Matt Foley stepped back and wiped his sweaty brow. "Well, how freakin' surprising!" he yelled, trying to get past the discomfort of his overly tight belt. "The little filly with no magic tattoo on her butt wants to get a magic tattoo on her butt! Wanting a magic tattoo won't get you nowhere, young one! From what I hear, you're blowing things up...and you'll be blowing plenty of stuff up when you're living in a van down by the river!"
Matt Foley paused, tried to adjust his belt, and stepped over to Apple Bloom. "Young lady, what do you wanna do with your life?"
Having gotten used to Matt Foley by this point, Apple Bloom wasn't quite scared anymore, and loudly proclaimed, "Ah also wanna get my cutie mark!"
"Me too!" said Scootaloo. "'Cause we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
Matt Foley paused. "Well, you'll have plenty of time to get your magic butt tattoos when you're living in a van down by the river! You're not gonna go nowhere with that attitude! You gotta do something useful, or else you're gonna be living off the land in that creepy forest or, even worse, government cheese! I should know how bad government cheese is; it's all you can get when you're living in a van down by the river!"
"Is government cheese really that bad?" Scootaloo wondered out loud, again missing the point.
"Yeah, and you know what?" Matt Foley said, getting even louder. "I'm gonna make sure you all don't follow me down my path, and in doing so, I'm gonna follow you down your path! We're gonna be buddies, the four of us, and I'm gonna make sure you don't do anything stupid enough to land you in a van down by the river!"
"Oh no," squeaked Sweetie Belle quietly and they all realized just what Matt Foley was saying.
"Run?" whispered Scootaloo.
"Run," agreed Apple Bloom.
They ran.
"Ah can't believe we lost 'im!" panted Apple Bloom, wiping her brow.
"Well, he didn't seem like he was in very good shape," Sweetie Belle observed, looking around. "Say, there's Twilight."
"Huh?" the other two asked, and they noticed that they were right by the Golden Oaks Library, which Twilight had just exited.
Twilight spotted the three fillies and smiled, trotting over to them. "Hello, girls!" she greeted. "How are you doing? I hope you haven't done anything dangerous!"
"We haven't," they chorused.
"We actually met a no-vacational speaker," said Scootaloo.
"Motivational," corrected Sweetie Belle again.
"Yeah, and he motivated us," Scootaloo finished.
Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh really? What did he say?"
"It was weird," said Scootaloo.
"And kinda scary," said Sweetie Belle.
"But we learned," Apple Bloom said. "We don't wanna live in a van down by th' river."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted off, and Twilight could do nothing but stare after them in befuddlement. "What's a van...?"
