Author's Note

You're probably gonna want some context for this. (If you don’t care, read the bold text at least)

This book has two iterations: Original and C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀. These iterations contain similar scenes written at different times (2015-17 vs. 2023-). Both take place around Season 5.

The Original version was meant to be somewhat serious, as it was an attempt to write a fun fanfiction of a zombie pony apocalypse. It is, also, not very good.

The C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ version is meant to be a comedic rewrite of the Original, as it wants to have a good time while making fun of the stupidity in the Original. This version is anything but innocent and can get offensive.

I personally recommend sticking with the C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ version, and only referring to the Original when you grow curious about how the two are different. But you do you. C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ readers will also notice the C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ version shift from a bizarre, chaotic, comedy-like story to a more subtle, story-driven, story-like story.

Quick Backstory:
The Original version of this book is my unfinished, retired rough draft of my other, finished book: "The Equestrian Apocalypse". It's been sitting here since 2017, and it sucks. I decided it would be fun to play around with it, so I started creating a C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ version to make fun of it. Update: This quickly got out of hand. Help me. I can't stop. Anyway, the Original version will not be edited any further. It's whole purpose is to show you what the book was supposed to be, which could make the C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ version even funnier.

This is the C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ version, which takes the original writing and spices it up, written by a partially-experienced 24 year old with too much time on his hands.

(C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀) Good Morning, D'mitry!

“Is that enough?” I asked, continuously tossing apples in the cart.

“I reckon so,” replied Applejack.

I continued tossing apples in the cart. AJ was planning to make a massive supper and dessert for her next family reunion. I’d overheard her special dessert, which was an apple chocolate cake. That sounds fucking disgusting. Despite this “appeasing” course, I would have helped her out regardless. Not because I actually wanted to, but because Celestia forced me into a manual labor agreement at Sweet Apple Acres.

Oh yeah, I’m also a human. The only human. I had been sent here by the four alicorn princesses with their amazing alicorn magic energy.

Why?

To help out with Equestria’s progression.

What?

Was there much of a reason behind this?

No. Don’t think so deeply about it.

What the hell was that? I stopped tossing apples for a moment and gazed up at the sky.

I’m not in the sky, idiot. I am the author. Just listen to what I say and pretend I’m not here.

I continued tossing apples in the cart.

When the alicorns sent me here, I hadn’t put the offer down. I already knew about Equestria, and my life back on Earth wasn’t exactly what it was cracked up to be. The alicorns did not like that I already knew of their existence, but because I was so handsome and charming, they did not lock me in the dungeon.

That is completely false.

Okay. I begged for mercy. So here I was.

I continued tossing apples in the cart.

“D’mitry, cut it out! Hay sniffer.”

I stopped. Wait, my name’s D’mitry? What the hell is that, author? That sounds Russian. I’m from the state of fucking Georgia!

Shut up, D’mitry. Devan was taken by a more sane, logical being in a parallel universe. It would just confuse readers. Instead, I went with a name that I used to use as a kid for some reason.

“But I AM Deva-”

No. Shut up.

Despite a clear sky, lightning struck me suddenly, causing me to quit retaliating. AJ ignored this.

“Thanks for helpin’ out, D’mitry.”

“I am a slave-”

“Couldn’t have finished on time without ya’,” she said, hooking up to the cart. “Hey, one more thing. Pinkie’s been having a lotta twitches and … well, ya know … her Pinkie sense is acting up. Go check if she’s been using any drugs and report back to me.”

“Okay.”

“Hurry up.”

I began my route to Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie was supposed to be. On the way, I hoped Pinkie had some drugs to share with me. Pinkie hadn't had any sort of twitches in a long time, and thinking that she could be having a lot gave me hope. Still, I took into consideration that she may not have anything for me.

That got me thinking that I hadn't seen Pinkie much in the past few days. She hadn't been out as much as she used to, and I hadn't seen her host a party in so long.

But Pinkie loves parties ... I thought out loud, She wouldn't lose interest all of a sudden ...

Was she hogging the drugs? That selfish bitch. My thoughts were swirling, but died down by the time I got to Sugarcube Corner. Mrs. Cake opened up and welcomed me in.

"Welcome back, human. What do you want?"

"Pinkie has drugs I think," I replied.

“Well, duh. You think she’s always energetic off a candy high? You’re silly. She’s upstairs if you want to see her, but be gentle on her. She may be on some laced stuff.”

“Okay, thanks Cakes.”

I knocked on the door when I got up there.

"Pinkie, it's me, D’mitry. Can I come in?"

She opened it up a crack and peeked around me cautiously before grabbing me and throwing me inside, shutting the door behind her.

“Where are the drugs, Pinkie?”

“SHH!” she uttered.

“Pinkie, what’s wrong? Do you not have any drugs?”

“It’s not drugs this time, shitface! Now, AJ told you about these twitches, didn’t she?”

“Yeah?”

“D’mitry. A zombie apocalypse is going to happen pretty soon.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“I got bit by a zombie.”

“You what??”

“Nevermind. Even though I already know about it, I’m gonna act like these twitches are completely random and that I have no idea what they mean.”

This part of the book was fucking stupid.

“WHOAHAHAHHAA” Pinkie exclaimed.

“It’s just the author,” I explained.

“Oh, an author? So a godly figure finally showed up to document the upcoming disaster?”

Yeah, I got reports about the thing you mentioned, but we will ignore it.

“Hey author,” she called, “What’s your favorite cupcake flavor?”

I really like Red Velvet and Chocolate.

“I’ll have to bake you some! Do you have a mouth to eat them with?”

I have a mouth, Pinkie, but I don’t know if the universal boundaries will allow that.

“Awe, no fun.”

“Hey, author-” I spoke.

Shut the fuck up D’mitry.

Wow.

I turned back to Pinkie.

“So, a zombi-”

“I said nevermind!”

“O … kay?”

There was a bit of silence as I tried to soak this all in. Pinkie paced back and forth, looking out the window occasionally. I noticed that she had a big bandage wrapped around her leg, but I thought nothing of it, because we were ignoring logic now.

“Do you have drugs?” I asked.

“D’mitry, damn it. Fucking crackhead. Look, I need to get my twitches checked out. Let’s go to Twilight.”

“O … kay?”

I followed her to Twi's castle. I could call Twilight Twilight, but I am very lazy. Or, am I the one that’s lazy, or is it the author?

It’s you.

Wow.

As we walked, I noticed the lack of Pinkie’s step on the way. She would usually be hopping or skipping around, but she actually looked like she was dragging her hooves.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Probably turning."

It was mostly silent the rest of the way, as she told me to ignore the logic she was actively breaking. Once we saw the view of the castle, it made both of us feel better. Pinkie didn't seem to be dragging her hooves anymore.

We walked up to the front door, and I got into a dramatic stance, readying my fist for the ultimate knock. Right before I did, the door flung open, knocking me flat out on the ground.

“Get the fuck off my lawn!” Twi yelled, closing the door behind her.

“What’s the urgency?” I asked.

"Princess Celestia wants me at the castle right now," she answered quickly.

“Oh, well … Pinkie’s been having a lot of twit-”

“Twitches? It's probably just a piano dropping or something. Look, I gotta go. Sorry!” She took off in a heartbeat.

“Wow,” Pinkie commented, “Someone’s a real bitch today. You didn’t even have to edit that speech, author.”

Yeah, that one kind of wrote itself. Worlds collide.

“Hey, can I have a turn with the bold author text?!”

No. I don’t see how that wo- HEY! WOOOOO! This is FUN! I see why you wanna talk like this! Look at my big, bold letters!! YIPPEE!! Cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes!!@!@@! The government is actively spying on its citizens with advanced technology to make sure our division remains cemented in place to allow corrupt politicians re-election opportunities.

What the hell?! Get out of my text, Pinkie!

“Fine, fine. Party pooper.”

Jesus, how did you even do that?

“I’m Pinkie Pie.”

Fair enough.

“So,” I said, “I had a thought enter my head. Wanna go to Zecora?”

“Oh yeah. That sounds great. I really wanna go to the middle of the Everfree forest after getting bitten by a mysterious pony. There isn’t a flaw in this logic at all. Let’s go.” She twitched again.

On our way to Zecora, it was silent again, though Pinkie definitely wasn't dragging her hooves, and I had to keep up with her. We started to walk through the Everfree forest. Halfway there, Pinkie stopped and twitched a little bit.

"Pinkie? Are you alright?" I asked.

“I’m fine. I’m just mysteriously dying. You should just leave me here to die.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. Hang on.”

She stood completely still for a second. Then, while keeping the same stance, she started tipping over. She fell like a statue, and laid sideways on the ground.

“Pinkie?! Are you alright?” I shook her. “Pinkie, fucks the matter with you?!”

“I dunno. Hey, check this out.”

She slowly unwrapped the bandage around her leg to show a bloody patch, as if somepony had bit her. It wasn't pretty, and a menacing purple bruise surrounded it. I looked on with awe.

"Pinkie ... what bit you?"

“A zombie. Can you believe it? I know, it sounds crazy! I would have told you earlier, but oh well …”

“Pinkie, what the hell? Get yo ass up and let's get the fuck outta here. This forest is scarin' me now.”

“Shouldn't have suggested coming here then, ya damn retard. Oh well. I think Imma die now. Make sure you get real close to me as I do.”

“No!”

“Bleh!”

Her eyes closed. I began to panic. Looking around, it was getting darker and there were nasty clouds forming above us, despite the earlier bright blue sky. I glanced up, seeing Rainbow Dash push a cloud above our heads. She saluted, then stuck her hoof out. A blue finger emerged in the middle of it, flipping me off before she flapped her wings and took off.

I tried to pick Pinkie Pie up, but she was too heavy. My back sprained as I lifted her, so I dramatically keeled over on the ground beside her, squirming in pain. Tearing up, I wished to Celestia that somepony would arrive to help us. I wished that it would be a unicorn to use magic on her. I got to my senses and kneeled over Pinkie again, making sure to get real close.

"Pinkie, please. You've got to wake up ... come on. Pinkie ..." I couldn't help but sobbing all over her. I sob and sobed and sobbing, tears flowing all over her. "Pinkie ..."

She started moving again, and I was relieved for a split second, until I saw how pale she had become in the past minute. Before I could move, she woke straight up.

"Oh thank goodness, you're back."

Wow.

I sat back on my knees and smiled as she opened her eyes and raised her head. Her body was a pale pink color now, and her eyes had a glossy white tint to them. She stared up at me and groaned as I spoke to her.

"Bruh you look sick as fuck. You feeling alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Can you lend me a hand?" she groaned.

"Hmm. I don't know. Something seems fishy here."

"GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING HAND!" she growled, lunging forward at me.

Oh no! I think she's a zombie! Why she was talking, I don't know, but my couple brain cells finally activated their fight or flight reaction. I scooted backward on my bottom quickly, gaining a couple feet of distance as she struggled to stand up. I scooted back a few more feet, and by the time she was standing, I had to be like 10 feet away.

"Oh no!! Pinkie don't do it!" I shouted as she began galloping for me.

I twisted around to my stomach and pushed myself up, but as I propelled my feet to start running while I stood up, they slipped on the dirt path below. I pushed myself up again, but my body kept falling over as I tried to run to a stand. I did a quick summersault in the hopes to gain more distance, but I only ended up getting dirt on myself. I pushed myself up again, this time slipping because my hand lost grip.

I should really just kill you off now.

NO! Don't do that! Give me one more chance!

Instead of pushing myself up again, I rolled to my back and sat up on my elbows, looking to gauge how far away Pinkie was now. However, she was right on top of me. I had no more time to react, and she leapt on me, sinking her teeth into my arm.

"OWW! BITCH!!" I exclaimed, smacking her angrily.

I tried getting her off my arm, but she would not release her grip. As I fought, I looked down the empty path toward Zecora's hut.

"Pinkie, look! Someone left some cocaine on the path!"

Her teeth loosened as she raised her head and looked to where I was looking. As she was distracted, I dramatically rolled over twice ... once to get out from under her, and once more because it made me feel cool. I rose to a stand and took off running, finally not tripping all over myself.

"You lying bitch!" I heard her yell from behind.

"Haha rekt!"

I grabbed my bleeding arm as I ran. Her bite hurt horribly, and I knew that it was over, whether I got away or not.

Yeah, nobody’s buyin that.

I looked back at the bite before covering it up with my jacket. On my way back, I prayed that magic could fix this. Magic had been stronger than anything I'd ever seen, and there had to be a spell to get her and I back to normal. There had to.