HORSEMASK!!! In Equestria

On a small house, slightly too small for an average human, sat a wooden door with an ornate yellow and black symbol on it. The door slowly opens as you push against it, revealing a dark room with only a single pale light. You approach the light slowly and open your mouth to speak. You never get the words out because you suck.

“What are you doing here? You want a pizza? We’re out. There’s a quarantine,” A deep and soothing baritone voice answers. “Go home, I’m trying to play animal crossing.” The mask flops at you aggressively, causing you to let out a droplet of pee in pure fear.

The masked figure sighs, your pants are now wet for two reasons. You’re really sweaty today for some reason, odd. “Go. I’m playing with my friends.”

You turn to leave, “Hello Tom Nook, I’ve got your money right here.”

add your own flashback noises, I’m lazy. So what?

It was a normal, average day, until Dio Brando blew through the town like maniac, twerking violently until he met Zarbon and then the Twerkpocolypse happened, just as an average Tuesday goes here in the Horsetown of Horse Country.
But then the Astolfo plush returned to save the world. But that’s unimportant, it’s what happened afterwards that’s truly important. In the pizzeria a large group of people were sipping at their cans of soda calmly. It was a rather calm day after all, nothing to disturb-

Horsemask suddenly froze and stared down at his drink. “I sense a disturbance in the soda… These are dark and dangerous times.” He stood up at the podium, straightening his time, “We here at the Pizzeria will… deal with the Dark Lord Pepsiman here shortly. We still have a flashback to get to.”

The sky thundered violently, and HorseMask gasped in shock. “These horses need the word of god. BOIZ, we’re dropping in Canterlot! Time for a Crusade, we’re taking back the Holy Land!” HorseMask grabbed the purple one with his hands, and held her up like an Ak-47. He motioned to the rest of the group, Frieza quickly shrunk down into his horse form.

“What happened?” Rarity asked, confused.

“I don’t know momma,” Johnny Bravo answered with a violent flex, “But we’ll figure it out, F-Rarity.”

Pinksuit danced out of the store with a happy skip to his step as Ultra Instinct Shaggy waved them on, wolfing down his stack of ten pizzas with rapid speed as his great dane companion attacked his own stack. Super Saiyan Ned Flanders glared at them from behind the pizza counter, his now blood-stained work uniform crinkling with each step as he carried a box of pizza to another customer.

Wreck it Rolph grabbed his noble steed, a stuffed and glorious alpacca named Steven, and rod off out the door at high speed. As the group left the store, a pair of eyes blinked ominously in the corner. A low-pitched squeaking giggling echoed through out the pizzeria as Jason stared back at it. The hockey-masked man shrugged and set down a bucket of hot wings.

A single frame shook on the wall at the violent movements, the light revealing the words “Technically perfect. -Review of HorseMask.” The diploma type paper hung on dearly and the ground stopped shaking shortly thereafter. Meanwhile, in Canterlot the ground rumbled again, and soon a group of people and creatures of various types blew through the door and the purple horse in HorseMask’s arms blinked in complete and utter confusion. Atop the throne at the center of the room sat a rather large buff Russian man in a track suit and jersey.

“Where’s Celestia?” the purple one asked in confusion.

“Ahhh, yes, I vill… go find her, yes?” the deep voice with a rather thick accent answered hesitantly before pulling out a white cloth from their track suit pants and slipping it on over their head. Their shoes length and soon white covered their legs weakly.

“Yes, purple one?” A soft and dainty voice came from beneath the sun horse mask. The purple horse brightened.

“You’re here, but where did that man go?”

“That’s unimportant,” the voice answered, “What is it?”

“I found this, I thought you’d like to know!”

In the horse’s hooves was rather large bottle of vodka, glinting in the light. The sunhorse nodded calmly and took it from her hooves. “I will dispose of this properly,” Celestia said.

The white horse faced man lifted up the bottle and poured the content of the jug into its mouth with high speed. Not a single drop was spilled, as is the way of the proper Russian man. It wiped its mouth with a buff and hairy arm before freezing. “She’s here,” it said as the hair on its arms stood up right.

The wall of the throne room exploded and revealed an almost exact copy of the sun horse, except for two minor details. The white horse had a rather stylish and shiny goatee on its chin, and lacked the true Russian heritage of a proper sun horse. The two glared at each other.

HorseMask jumped up, dropping the purple horse on her face. “FIGHT SCENE! THIS NEEDS RPOPER PREPARATION AS BY WORD OF LAW!” He removed his remote and pressed pause, causing the others to stop moving completely. Not a single cell moved as HorseMask and Pinksuit raced out of the room, returning with lawn chairs and cases of Bud light as true americans would.

“Okay, wait where did purple one go?” Horse Mask asked in confusion.

“THERE’S AN EMERGENCY!” she raced in from the doorway.

“Huh. Every time we get to this, there’s something else. The author is writing a story but it seems like every time we get to a fight scene, this happens, it’s almost like they don’t want to write a fight scene. This would be great for a story! But maybe this is more important, maybe there’s an adventure! What happened?” HorseMask pondered out loud.

“I dropped my toothbrush,” purple one held up a dripping toothbrush, “In the toilet!”

“That IS important,” HorseMask’s plastic eyes twinkled as he grabbed her and held up his own toothbrush, “Dental hygiene is a very important aspect of your daily life. Remember kids three brushes a day, keeps the monster dentists away!” In the utter silence as his glorious message graced their ears, a single hiss rang throughout the room.

With a flick of his wrist, HorseMask sent his toothbrush flying into a dark corner. A loud squeal of pain came forth as a large malformed man fell from the darkness, large extended hands thumping on the ground. It’s large forehead trembled on impact with the ground and the name tag on its labcoat simply said…

Quentin.

“What is that?” Purple one asked.

“A Dentist,” HorseMask answered calmly, eyeing the creature.

“Aren’t dentists good?”

“What kind of person likes a job which causes others pain? Weirdoes. Those are dentists, this is a Dentist. Dentists are monsters that hide in the dark, waiting for an accident with your toothbrush. They scrape your teeth with razor blades, and suck your teeth with their tentacles. Horrible monstrosities.”

“Oh… what are the claws for?”

“Rending flesh and scratching chalkboards. They’re malicious like that,” HorseMask answered. The rest of the group nodded, and slowly turned back to the fight. Their vibrant white shirts were painfully obvious in the light of two sun horses preparing to fight.

Four simple black words adorned the shirts.

Wash Your Fucking Hooves.