Tales of Angrish

Chapter Twelve: FUCK YEAH

With a roar that sounded like the word ending, the Angry Marines charged down the ramp. Pounder was at the front of course, his juggernaut-like form ploughing through the packed ranks of cultists and daemons effortlessly. He made a beeline for the towering figure of Krull, the once beautiful Chaos Lord transformed into a near perfect Daemon Prince.

“Despair, mortal!” Krull screamed, his elegant face contorting in rage as he beheld Pounder charging towards him.

“FUCK YOU, DAEMON PUSSY!” Pounder roared, trampling a pair of sorcerers into the mud to get to Krull. The Belligerent Engine followed in his wake, tearing through the two-score of Pretty Marines surrounding their lord like tinfoil, its pilot screaming in barely control fury as it pulled the unfortunate marines to shreds. With an infernal roar, it slapped the mighty daemon prince to the ground with a casual swipe and grabbed the delicate lady behind him. With a savage glee it inserted its massive fist up the witch’s ass, turning her into little more than a red mist as it activated the built-in power field.

“EVEN IN DEATH I STILL FIST YOUR MOM!” It bellowed before Krull carved its arm off with his mighty demonic blade.

“ENOUGH!” Krull screamed, kicking the dreadnought away and turning to Pounder. With disturbing ease, the Daemon Prince swatted the captain to the ground. “I HAVE WON! I ascended you blithering slime! Now kneel before me!”

“STICK THAT SWORD UP YOUR FUCKING PUTRID ASS YOU CUM GUZZLING COCKBAG.” Pounder answered, being rewarded with another slap across the chest for his trouble. He tumbled the dirt, his anger rising.

“Chaos is eternal! Chaos is power! Chaos is beauty!” Krull screeched, picking Pounder up by his chest plate and staring deep into the Angry Marine’s visor.

“CHAOS ALWAYS WINS!” Krull screamed, his mighty daemonic visage leering in triumph. He tightened his grip on Pounder and snarled. “Any last words, Angry Marine?” He jeered.

Pounder’s hand darted down to his bolt pistol and raised it defiantly. With an angry roar he snapped off the entire clip, the miniature rockets pattering off Krull’s armoured shell harmlessly. Krull laughed at the gesture, no mere bolt pistol would hurt him.

But it wasn’t the bolt pistol he had to be worried about.

Reaching up to the pistol’s clip and praying to the Emperor that he was listening. Pounder screamed two words.

“RELOADING, COCKBAG!”

He tossed the clip at Krull and rolled away as a three hundred and fifteen ton tank emerged from its hiding spot behind his bolt pistol’s clip. The Baneblade flew towards the surprised Daemon Prince at full speed, its engine howling as it flew through the air in the same way bricks don’t.

Krull had but a moment to look surprised before the tank crushed his daemonic form to a red and pink pulp, the last words from the Daemon Price’s mouth being little more than a cry of pure anguish.

“CRREEEEEEEEEEEEED!”

***

“Come on girls!” Twilight yelped, ducking under a clumsy swing of something which had too many arms and probably not nearly enough clothes. They’d followed the Angry Marines out of the Thunderhawk and delved right into the thick of it, avoiding the worst of the fighting where they could. She was absolutely terrified but she pressed on regardless, the fate of Equestria depended on it.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE-MOUTH, BITCH.” Fluttershy raged at Twilight, a little carried away with the violence and killing around her. She walked fearlessly through the valley of death but she feared no evil (or CUNTMUNCHING SLAANESH WHORE) for she was the biggest, baddest, motherfucker in the valley.

A half score of daemonettes gallivanted towards them but hesitated mid stride as the butter-coloured Pegasus fixed a glowing eye on them. They saw deep into her soul and quickly deduced that she was not someone to fuck with. Shrieking in badly-concealed terror, the she-daemons decided that throwing themselves at the Angry Marines would be safer alternative than to remain under her glare.

Under such protection, the six ponies closed on the portal, now dodging a pair of pus-ridden monstrosities that swung rusting, smoking blades at them. They were no more than fifty metres away when a hand, a hand larger than was possibly reasonable, emerged from the ever growing portal and slammed down onto the ground, the foul stench of death and decay than surrounded it immediately turning the grass there to withered, dead husks.

“Yes. Yes! Come forth my children, Father Nurgle cares for his subjects and gives us a new world to spread his love to!” A voice boomed, more terrible, ancient and powerful than anything they’d heard before.

Twilight could only watch in horror as a forty metre tall, impossibly bloated figure rose from the portal, a rusty black blade gripped in its hand. The beast roared in glee, spewing contagions and diseases never heard about or conceived across Equestria. Pus oozed from its every orifice and the smell it gave off made a tip seem positively fragrant.

As one, the Slaaneshi warhost cried out in terror and charged the foul abomination and the already chaotic battle turned into furious three-way that would leave a horny slaaneshi cultist writhing in envy. Dozens of Plaguebearers emerged from and behind their master to do battle and soon the number of daemons killing other daemons was greater than the number of daemons trying to kill Angry Marines.

The Mane Six watched on in stunned silence as the battle flowed and ebbed around them, the battle-eager daemons completely ignoring the six little ponies in their midst.

Twilight shook her head incredulously. “Holy fuck, I need be getting paid more to keep doing this kind of shit.”

***

Pounder spun around to face the remnants of the daemonhost. The once mighty Krull lay smoking at his feet… or more accurately, beneath the treads of the MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE Creed had managed to pull out of his ass.

“Emperor protect us…” The manly cigar-chomping motherfucker otherwise known to Pounder as Ursarkar E. Creed whispered, looking up at the towering Great Unclean One. Although his tank was mighty, it was no match for the daemon lord which struggled to haul his bloated mass out of the still growing warp portal.

“FUCK! NURGLE SHITLORDS?” Pounder roared, backhanding a madly gibbering Plaugebearer across the face. With a single movement, he shoved the daemon’s head into its rectum, breaking its spine and sending it writhing back into the warp to cry to its mother.

“COCK KNOCKERS, SMASH THE CHAOTIC SHIT OUT THE BIG FUCKER!” Pounder ordered, the boom of the Baneblade’s main gun drowned out by nearly a score of jump-pack equipped Angry Marine’s soaring overhead. They Marines hacked and smashed at the Daemon Lord with all their fury but the blows they inflicted had no effect on the hulking brute.

“IT’S NOT WORKING YOU ASSWIPE.” The Cock Knocker Sergeant reported bluntly, thoroughly pissed off that his power chair wasn’t working.

“FUCK IT, KILL THE LITTLE SHITERS THEN, I’VE GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL IN MIND FOR HIS FAT, FUCKING ASS.”

Without hesitation, the Cock Knockers peeled off from the Daemon Lord and started hacking an impressive path through his underlings.

Satisfied, Pounder voxed off one more message before looking around. “NOW WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE LITTLE PONY FUCKHEADS?”

***

“What do we do Twilight?” Applejack asked worriedly as the beast continued to pull itself out of the pit.

“I SAY WE RIP HIS FUCKING ASSHOLE OUT AND FEED IT TO HIM.” Fluttershy suggested calmly.

“We need to close this portal.” Twilight affirmed, summoning the Elements of Harmony to her because the author forgot to take them off the Thunderhawk like the typical forgetful cunt he is.

“Too late!” Rainbow Dash cried, sweeping the others out of the way as a titanic foot came crashing down where had just stood.

“Free at last!” the Daemon cried with joy. “Come forth my children, come to spread the word of chaos!”

Unfazed, Twilight handed the Elements out and faced the portal. Reaching deep within her, she tapped into her reserves of energy that ~~turned her into the Avatar~~ fuelled the potent magical devices.

With a sudden surge of magic that seemed to destabilise the Daemons around them, a massive beam of Rainbow coloured light shot from the crown on her head and arched towards the portal the Daemon Lord had recently vacated. With a scream of rage, the portal collapsed in on itself, sealing the breach between the warp and Equestria with a violent thunderclap.

“You insolent fools!” the Daemon roared, trying to sweep at the ponies with its smoking blade. Its pudgy arms were so short though, that the wild swing sailed cleanly over their heads.

“FUCK, I’M GETTING REAL TIRED OF THIS SHIT!” Pounder yelled, suddenly appearing behind the ponies. He delivered a powerful kick to the daemon’s toe which did nothing other than tick it off.

“FUCKING RUN YOU STUPID DICKLICKERS!” He ordered, scooping up the six ponies in one gigantic hand.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING ANGRY, GET BACK TO THE FIGHT YOU PUSSY!” Fluttershy boomed, struggling against Pounder’s grip.

“WE’VE HIT IT WITH EVERYTHING WE COULD YOU RETARDED COCKSUCKER.” Pounder roared, sprinting away from the ponderous Daemon.

“So now what?” Twilight asked hopelessly.

“Ha! Flee you fools! Flee before I make you pay for killing my beloved children!” The Daemon roared triumphantly. “I have your cities, I have your world! It all belongs to Nurgle now!”

“WE HIT IT WITH WHAT WE CAN’T, HORN FAGGOT.” Pounder explained, pointing to a star in the sky.

Twilight frowned, it was the middle of the day; how was there a star in the sky?

The star drew closer and she soon realised… “That’s no star.” She breathed incredulously.

“BATTLE BARGE, ASS POUNDER ON STATION!” The vox in Pounder’s helmet roared and the falling star slowly formed into the shape of a long, ungainly metal box.

“You cannot hurt me, I am invincib- WHAT?” The Daemon Lord screamed, finally noticing the battle barge hurtling toward him, a gigantic middle finger extended from its prow.

“NO!” It roared as the millions of tons of Battle Barge ploughed into the daemon. Twilight couldn’t say for sure, but she swore she saw tiny yellow figures riding the ship down, guitars clasped in their hands and angry metal playing loudly from a thousand speakers.

“IMPOSSIBLE!” The Daemon screeched as a titanic nuclear fireball wiped it, Manehatten and most of the eastern Equestrian seaboard out in one fell swoop. How Pounder, his Angry Marines, Creed and the six ponies survived is a question best left not asked or answered.

“THAT SHUT THE DRIBBLING CUNT UP!” Pounder boomed cheerfully.

“Ha… ha… ha! Ha ha ha!” A deep, booming laughter came from the smoking crater. The booming laughter intensified and soon the Daemon crawled out of the smoke, injured but still alive. “Is that all you corpse-worshiping fools? Is that best you’ve got?”

“NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR YOUR ELEMENTS OF DICKSUCKING.” Pounder roared, leading the ponies forward. He struck a suitably ass-kicking pose and pointed at the daemon, as if to smite it back to the warp.

“TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!” Pounder roared, directing the six ponies to fire their GAY FRIENDSHIP BEAM straight into the Nurgle Lord’s gut.

“What, no!” The Daemon screamed as intolerable waves of FRIENDSHIP, HARMONY AND ALL THAT GAY SHIT washed over him. With a loud scream it was ripped apart, the nature of the beast unable to handle the effects of the magical artefacts.

After what seemed like several minutes of rainbows the daemon vanished, its warp-tainted flesh completely eradicated.

Pounder nodded in satisfaction and lowered his arm.

“FUCK YEAH.”

Author's Note

And that was the balls-tighteningly fantastic conclusion. I'm leaving this as Incomplete just in case I come up with any other good (i.e. bad) ideas/ need something to get angry about but this is more or less the end.of the Pounder's tales for now.

Happy swearing and thanks for the ride.