Tales of Angrish

Tales of Angrish

Chapter 8: TRUE RAAAAAAAAGEE

It has been discovered that Captain Pounder’s log of his second foray into the lands of Equestria may present confusion to some members of the Inquisition. Due to this, external commentary by Adept Pejanus and Brother-Sergeant Shitkicker may be overlaid where necessary.

His titanic du-.

[Hearty laughter fills recording for twelve point two seconds.]

TITANIC? I’VE SEEN FUCKING WEEABOOS PUT UP BETTER FIGHTS THAN THAT CUNT KRULL.

… Ahem… His Titanic duel with Krull finished, Pounder stomped towards the small village of Ponyville, his mind troubled…

***

Pounder stomped angrily through the fields back towards the small town he was unwillingly calling home, a few drops of rancid chaotic blood dripping from his armour onto the ground. While his victory over the PRETTY PUSSIES had cheered him up slightly, being stuck in the happy, colourful land was a constant strain on his composure. He crushed a small flower beneath his boot but the tiny sense of satisfaction the destruction brought was soon outweighed by the oppressive nature of the land around him. A seething wave of red crossed his mind as the GAY PRIDE MASCOT swooped around his head and landed on his ridiculously oversized pauldron.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT SHITHEAD?” He roared, plucking the plucky Pegasus off his shoulder and holding her in front of his face by her tail.

Her look of awe was quickly replaced with one of alarm.

“Can’t I congratulate you, that was pretty awesome! I mean you totally kicked those guys’ flanks!” She jabbed the air with her forelegs.

“FUCKING-A” Pounder agreed, kindly letting go of the Pegasus instead of using her as an impromptu hammer throw. “DON’T FUCKING LAND ON MY SHOULDER AGAIN OR I’LL RIP YOUR ARSE OUT THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.”

“Sheesh, chill out man.” ‘GAY PRIDE’ said quickly before flapping off into the distance. Pounder rubbed his helmet and stomped a trail of ants into paste. Why he was helping these ponies was beyond him. The vox bead in his helmet crackled to life and the clipped tones of the Angry Marine nominally in charge of his Battlebarge filled his ears.

“CAPTAIN, WE’RE IN ORBIT NOW. A BUNCH OF CUNTS STOLE A COUPLE OF THUNDERHAWKS AND ARE HEADING DOWN NOW. WHERE DO THE FUCKERS NEED TO GO?”

“TELL THEM IT’S NEAR THE FUCKING BIG ROCK OVER THERE AND BETWEEN THOSE TREES.” Pounder yelled, pointing to the clump of trees in question. “WHAT ABOUT THE PRETTY FAGGOTS?”

“THE DICKWADS ARE BEING PUSSIES, THEIR SHIPS HAVE POWERED DOWN AND THIS PIECE OF SHIT UP HERE CAN’T FIND THEM.”

“YOU FIND THEM YOU STUPID FUCK, I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO THROW FUCKING ROCKS OUT OF THE AIRLOCK BUT YOU FUCKING DO IT, WE CLEAR DICKMUNCHER?” Pounder roared, the end of his tirade being cut off by the roar of a Thunderhawk’s engine ploughing into the ground. An onlooker would be surprised to see a dozen Angry Marines hanging onto the piece of severed machinery but Pounder paid no heed to the standard Angry Marine tactic designed to make ‘Steel Rain’ look like a maneuver for blue space faggots . A few seconds later the rest of the craft in question roared overhead and slammed into the ground, sending a plume of dirt flying up into the air. Pounder watched as a large walker, a Belligerent Engine, emerged from the wreck, undaunted by the supersonic impact. He was so busy watching the spectacle he didn’t notice a royal pony approach him. The regal creature looked with alarm as the large walker tore a path through the twisted remains of its transport.

“Captain Pounder.” Princess Celestia said finally as another Thunderhawk stripped of its engines screamed overhead and crashed into the ground with another deafening screech.

“WHAT IS IT HORNFUCKER? NEED YOUR HORN LUBED UP OR SOMETHING?”

Celestia decided to ignore the creature’s crude comment. “I’ve assembled what military forces I can to aid you. Would you like to inspect them?”

Pounder tossed an approving look over the score of marines now milling around. A pair of techmarines were stomping around behind them, smashing the remains of the Thunderhawks back into working order with heavy blows from their Thunder Hammers and constant streams of abuse.

“WHY THE FUCK NOT? I MIGHT GET SOME MORE SQUAT TOSSING PRACTICE IN.”

Celestia gave the marine a curious look but gestured towards a small group of ponies assembled at the edge of the field. Taking the hint that these were the troops she had assembled, Pounder stomped his way towards the nervous looking ponies, the princess following close behind. Celestia paused in front of the first rank of ponies and looked at Pounder.

“This is our royal guard detachment; you’ll never find a better unit of trained ponies in all of Equestria.”

“HA, GAY!” Pounder snorted, marching along the first rank and plucking a few random ponies into the air by their tails. He scrutinised their thick armour and razor-sharp spears. “THESE PUSSIES WOULDN’T LAST A SECOND AGAINST A GROT.” He concluded, hoisting a pony up to eye level and examined him closely.

“I’M THINKING OF INVENTING A NEW GAME. PIN THE PONY ON THE CARNIFEX SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.”

“What’s a carnifex?” One of the guards asked.

“HOW ABOUT YOU GO ASK YOUR MOTHER, SHE’D HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.” Pounder roared, dropping the guardspony like a sack of rocks.

“WHERE’S THE NEXT LOT OF MEATBAGS?!”

Celestia gestured towards a small unit of pegasi. “These are the Wonderbolts, they are Equestria’s elite flying squadron.”

“HOW THE FUCK DO THEY FLY WITH THIS PISSY THINGS?” He grabbed one of the Wonderbolt’s wings and hoisted him into the air. The Imperium of Man’s aircraft were notoriously un-aerodynamic but how these little shits managed it was beyond him. The stallion’s look of alarm grw as Pounder started waving him around by his wing erratically.

“WHAT’S YOU NAME FAGGOT? I BET IT’S SOME SHIT LIKE ‘BLUE RAINY CUNT.’”

“Soarin, sir!” The Pegasus barked angrily as Pounder waved him around by his wing.

“FUCK, THAT’S HALF DECENT. SO, ON A RATING OF ONE TO SO FUCKING ANGRY YOU’D RIP THE BALLS OF A TERMAGUANT, HOW ANGRY ARE YOU?”

“Uh… Pretty angry?”

“NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH, LET THE RAGE FLOW THROUGH YOU.” Pounder instructed.

The Pegasus’ scowl deepened as he focused his inner rage. Pounder watched expectantly for a moment before snorting derisively.

“LET A REAL MASTER SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE!” He bellowed, dropping the Pegasus like a discarded punching bag. Pounder concentrated for a moment, reaching deep inside himself for his stores of rage. Small puffs of smoke started rising from the joints in his armour as the captain’s inner rage started boiling. “FUUUUUUUUCCCCK YOU!” Pounder roared, a crackling fire springing up to replace the smoke. The flames lasted a few seconds before dying down. “THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE FAGGOT< UNTIL YOU GET SMOKE POURING OUT YOUR ARSE YOU’RE NOT FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH.” Pounder roared point blac into Soarin’s face. “NOW, WHO’S IN CHARGE OF THIS SHITHOUSE?”

“She is, sir.” Soarin pointed at a yellow Pegasus who seemed to shrink slightly. The remainder of the flying unit took a big step away from their captain as Pounder lunged towards her.

“YEAH I BET SHE FUCKING IS, YELLOW IS FUCKING AWESOME.” He picked the captain up by her tail and held her up next to Soarin and examined them for a moment.

***

As Pounder looked the two ponies over, a strange urge to see them paired overcame him. He felt like a fan of a TV show where his two favourite characters had shared a meaningful look and-.

FUCKING HELL, GET ON WITH IT YOU INCOMPETENT PRICK.

Pounder wanted to see them locked in bouts of passiona-.

THAT’S IT!

[Sounds of smashing, repeated clubbing and screams of pain follow for several minutes. Upon investigation of the sounds, it is found a new adept is required.]

IF I SEE ONE MORE FUCKING LINE ABOUT POUNDER BEING A FAGGOT, YOU’RE NEXT.

***

Pounder shook his head, eyes helmet lenses burning with anger. “OH FUCK, SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME A PRETTY MARINE?” He yelled, recoiling in horror. The two Wonderbolts dropped to the ground like drop pods, ending up in an uncomfortable and awkward pile. Frustrated, Pounder turned on his heel and stomped away from the nervous looking ponies.

***

You can clearly see Captain Pounder’s distress building as he stays in this heretical land, only the true light of the Emp-

I THINK WE CAN SEE THAT YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. ON WITH IT YOU STUPID FUCK.

***

Refuge though, was harder to find than Pounder imagined. He had barely crossed half of the park the ponies were using as an assembly area, when a cyan blur leapt onto his arm and attached itself resolutely.

“HANDS!” It squealed excitedly

***

Krull snarled loudly in annoyance he marched back onto his bridge. With the ship powered down, only the bare essentials were running. He brushed off his physician and stood in the centre of the bridge, his recent sword wound causing no more trouble than a paper cut.

“Status?” He said, still maintaining a trace of elegance in his voice for his crew to aspire to. “Have the brutes found us?”

“No my lord.” One of the many serfs answered. “They’re searching for us though.” An image of a massive battlebarge slowly prowling the system with patience uncommon to Angry Marines filled the screen. As they watched an airlock opened and a hail of small objects flew out into space.

“Rocks…” One the crew said, answering the question everyone had been about to ask.

Krull laughed. “It’ll take weeks for them to find us. By then the ship will be fully functional.” He sat down on his command throne carefully, aware of the small collection of dust that had gathered in his absence. His ship, ‘Flower of Death’ was an ancient battleship. While crippled, it was vulnerable but with repairs well under way the mighty warship would soon be able to plough through space, gun batteries and lances blasting away at the unsuspecting loyalist ship.

“What about their ground forces, my lord?” One of his remaining champions asked.

“We will prepare a larger force to defeat them; our shuttles are small enough to escape the notice of their pathetic ship if they are cautious. These fools have shown us strength but we have yet to show them ours… when mummy has recovered from her… ordeal… could you send her up her? She is knowledgeable in the ways of the warp and perhaps we can use that to our advantage…” Krull’s face broke into a wicked grin as the thought of millions of daemons spilling across the virgin world beneath them came to mind. “Yes… I think that would do quite nicely.”