Redux: Lineage

The troupe soon returned and returned with speeches of success. They each spoke of their combat trial, facing different warriors that flew the flag of the Barb Tails and how each of them were victorious over their opponents. The sense of annoyance at myself over my failures flared up once more, its flame being stoked by my friends victory. But I was happy that they'd succeeded nonetheless. That feeling of annoyance was soon squashed down and replaced by an awkward thumping in my chest as Grael walked over to me, eyeing me up with concern.

"So..." he said, sitting on his haunches and staring at me. "We need to talk, don't we?"

"If you, uh, think we need to," I said, scratching the back of my head in a sheepish manner.

"I think it best that we do," he nodded. "We'll tell the others we're going out for a talk, okay?"

"Right," I nodded, feeling like I often did as a child while waiting to be punished or scolded for doing something wrong.

My breathing had quickened, my eyes darted around the room in a nervous manner, and a sick feeling permeated my stomach, spilling waves of unpleasant emotion through me that made my heart pound and a disgusting taste spread into my mouth. Grael explained to the others where the two of us were going, saying that it was a royal matter and wasn't to be discussed with the others. Luna was obviously confused, but pressed no further, and the two of us were soon on our way out of the city.

We walked for a long while without saying anything, merely letting the blowing wind fill the silence for us. It wasn't until Grael's paws made contact with the same rocky surface we'd seen Heimili and Svea arguing on that he addressed me. He turned around with a confused look in his eyes, asking the blunt question there and then.

"So how long have you been fantasising about sex with Luna?" he asked, sitting down on his haunches once more and waiting patiently.

"I... I can't really... it's not that-" I fumbled, unable to find any words that could brush this awkward topic away easily.

"Richter," Grael said in a firm tone. "You don't need to lie to me nor do you need to try and hide this from me either. I'm in your head and feel what you feel whenever you're not hiding it, and I believe that I'm the best person for you to talk to about this."

"So... you're okay with it?"

"Gods no!" Grael exclaimed, almost horrified at the question I asked. "I can literally feel my skin crawl and my teeth itch at the mere thought of what you're fantasising about. It's a revolting and unnatural desire that I want no part of. Yet at the same time..."

Grael turned his head downwards at this point, his grey eyes locking onto the ground at his paws while he formulated his thoughts.

"What?" I asked. "What is it?"

"At the same time, I can't find myself blaming you," he confessed. "Luna... she's not the easiest things to be repulsed by. Not to mention the type of person you are... I can completely understand why you'd feel this way."

"But you don't support it?" I asked only to immediately shake my head in disbelief. "'It'? As if this is a thing that's already happening. I'm sat here feeling guilty over something I haven't done yet. It's not like I'm marrying any of them, is it?"

"'Them'?" Grael asked, looking at me with narrowed eyes. "What the hell do you mean 'them'? Are... are you telling me you're not just fantasising about Luna?"

There was silence between the two of us once again, Grael's mouth hanging open as he stared at me. It was clear he was trying to deduce what was wrong with me, where this incestuous fire had got its spark, and how I should go about putting it out completely.

"You're not right in the head," he finally said. "You can't be. There's supposed to be some natural barrier, some kind of basic instinct that prevents this kind of thing. You're not supposed to be sexually attracted to family members. It just doesn't happen naturally."

"Maybe it doesn't," I said, holding my arms out by my sides. "But we're here now, aren't we? What the hell am I going to do about it?"

"Suppressing it isn't an option," Grael said, now beginning to pace back and forth on the rock we stood on, his paws clicking loudly as they struck the surface. "That'll just make it worse. You'll build and build in desperation until you just snap somewhere down the line."

So what am I supposed to do?" I asked him.

"I don't know!" Grael snapped, turning around and glaring at me. "I'm still having a hard time processing the depths of your depravity, never mind trying to figure out how to help you and your psychological issues!"

"Don't get mad at me for this!" I snapped back. "It's not like I'm doing this on purpose, you know!?"

Grael gritted his teeth angrily, moments ticking by as I could feel him trying to force himself to cool down. He sucked in a large breath, filling his lungs to the brim before exhaling slowly. Once he'd emptied and refilled them several times over, he looked at me once more with a much calmer expression.

"I get that... and I'm sorry for being angry at you," he said in a low tone. "I know you can't control your desires, no matter how hard you try... what the hell are we going to do about this...?"

"Therapy?" I asked.

"Terrible idea," Grael said. "Doesn't matter how trustworthy the psychiatrist, they'd ride you for a mile if they had that kind of blackmail on you."

"Twilight's a psychologist..." I said, really grasping for straws at this point. "D'you think she'd be professional enough to..."

I trailed off, finishing the sentence with nothing more than a sigh as I ran my hand through my hair.

"You don't even believe that yourself, do you?" Grael asked. "Not for a minute?"

"No..." I said, sitting down on the rocks and placing my head in my hands.

I felt a well of frustration filling up inside me, a mix of anger and despair wallowing and mixing around in the pit of my stomach as my own self-disgust continued to fuel my sick and revolted feelings. Grael padded over to me, gently nuzzling my cheek with his own as he sat down. I stuffed my face into his chest, grinding my teeth and gripping onto handfuls of his thick fur. He lowered his head, resting his jaw on the top of mine and trying to time his breathing with mine.

"What are we going to do with you?" he asked in a soft manner. "What can we do?"

"I... I don't know," I said, shaking my head slowly.

"I think... I think we're going to have to ask for help on this one," Grael whispered to me. "Maybe it is best to talk to Twilight. She might be disturbed slightly, she has every right to be... but maybe she can help you if she sees this as a sign of being unwell."

"I can't," I said nearly immediately.

"You might have to," Grael countered.

"I won't!" I growled, my temper flaring up as I imagined the look on Twilight's face, the look on everyone's faces, if I confessed my attraction to them.

"Alright, alright," Grael said, nuzzling me again as he tried to calm me down. "I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to."

The two of us remained still and silent for a long time, sharing thoughts and ideas over our link all the while Grael tried to push as many warm and comforting emotions onto me through it. I appreciated what he was trying to do; he hated it when I was upset, but there didn't seem to be anything he could do to help at this point. Maybe he was right about what he said; maybe I was unwell. There was supposed to be something that stopped me from feeling like this. It was in a lot of animals, right? Instinctively avoiding inbreeding due to how much it damaged the gene pool? Sure, there were cases of inbred animals, but that was usually from either desperation or a member of a pack not functioning properly.

What if the way I'd been brought up, the things I'd experienced at such a young age with Calatera, and the life I'd lived afterwards had damaged my development? Something fractured when I was young that I didn't notice, but messed with my mental development? I'd spent the past eight years believing that the sex I'd had with Calatera was pleasurable and consensual, but... what if it wasn't? What if what she had disturbed me to such a degree that I forced myself to think I'd wanted it? It might have hit me so hard psychologically that it may have damaged my sexual filter. Made it impossible for my mind to register boundaries when it came to sexual attraction.

I rolled my head over in Grael's fur, warming the other side of my face as I thought. Maybe I was right and I had no idea what I was talking about. I wasn't a psychologist and didn't know how the brain of a child acted to cope with trauma. All I knew was that I was a sex-obsessed freak who was lusting after his female relatives.

"Who d'you think would handle it best?" Grael asked me after a long while.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Which do you think would freak out less if you told them?" he said, phrasing it in a much better way. "I think Celestia would take it extremely well. She and Luna have been alive for a very long time and probably have a much higher tolerance for disturbing thoughts and images than Cadance and Twilight. Celestia's also much better at dealing with emotional problems than Luna is. She has a much more developed motherly instinct. What do you think?"

"I think you're right," I nodded. "I still don't wanna tell her, or any of them."

"I know," he sighed. "I'm just thinking about all possibilities at this point. I'm putting most of my hopes on it being a phase. Something that'll pass."

"That'd be great," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him close.

"If you don't mind me asking... who are you most attracted to?"

"I don't really know..." I shrugged. "I want all of them, as much as it disgusts me."

"As a random estimate?" he asked.

I went quiet, thinking it over in my head and thinking about the three of them. I judged what emotional response I had to each of them, picturing them in specific moods, places, and positions and seeing what my heart and loins thought about it. While each of them got a very strong reaction from my arousal, doubly so whenever I thought of them sexually... I only seemed to get a warm, cosy feeling when imagining my mother. Even when it wasn't sexual, rather just mundane activities such as hugging or laying together, she seemed to get the most reaction out of me.

"Cadance, then?" Grael asked, having been observing me through my link the entire time. "I'm honestly not sure if that makes it better or worse. I wish I knew more about Cadance... it would help so much."

"What do you mean?"

"I've always had this feeling that your mother, hell, that all of them are hiding something from us," Grael said. "That the princesses we get to see are nothing more than masks, hiding away some secret that they don't want the rest of us to know about."

"Do you really think so?" I asked him.

"Yes, I do. It's something I don't think a lot of people would notice... but it's still there," Grael nodded. "I... I think they're more intimate with one another than they let on. Have you noticed that?"

"Like them touching or holding one another in a way that's a little too romantic for relatives?" I asked, thinking back to Luna and Cadance hugging one another in a rather romantic, nearly sexual, manner.

"Exactly," Grael nodded. "I noticed that a few times when I was younger, especially between Celestia and Cadance. The two seem to hold onto one another in ways mother and daughter shouldn't, kiss too close to the lips, and seem a little too comfortable being in their underwear around one another."

"Yeah..." I said, moving back and looking up at Grael. "You don't think that..."

"I'm not confident in saying that they're having sex with one another," Grael said, being as blunt and to the point as always. "We're chasing shadows and connecting dots that might even be there, and I've always despised assuming things without any concrete evidence."

"Yeah, you're right..." I nodded.

"Though it might be a good idea to keep an eye out, now that we know what to look for," he said, looking off into nothing as he spoke.

"This is so fucked," I sighed in a dejected manner.

"I agree," Grael said, nodding his head slowly. "But we can focus on all this until we get back home. Can you manage to bury your lust until we get back to Canterlot?"

"I think so," I nodded. "We've got more important things to worry about."

"Can you do me a favour?" Grael asked as I got to my feet.

"What?"

"Try to focus more on the mission and less on the sex," he said. "I think that you constantly feeding your desires is only gonna make your attraction worse."

"I'll give it a shot," I shrugged. "I think I can go a few days without it."

"It'll be a first," Grael chuckled, getting to his paws and shaking his entire body. "Now, let's get back to the others and see if they're ready to get this contract sorted out."

"Sounds like a plan," I said with a grin, hoping a little hard work would help me keep it in my pants and out of my mind.