Why me, god damn it?

by NeverMIND

Trouble in Paradise

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As a nation with the main populace consisting of ponies, governed by 2 near immortal super ponies named Celestia the Sun bearer who has been pretty much the main one of the two who the ponies adore and look up to while her recently cleansed younger sister who grew jealous from the amount of love and attention the populace was giving her older sister gained the attention of a dark entity that took control of the youngest sister causing her to become Nightmare Moon. Well that was over 1000 years ago and now little Luna is adjusting to the time. Well adjusting is a strong word.

“Thou shall feel my wrath you foul demon!!” Many ponies are fickle. They shy away from shouting and violence much more than the ponies of old. This became apparent to the younger Princess. Then again, she is from another era. Time and patience is needed. Luna isn’t one for patience though.

“We shall consume thy concoction before thy day is done!!” She shouting at the remains of what was once the Coffee Machine, littered on the floor of the kitchen in pieces. Pieces of metal and glass shards scattering the ground, becoming a hazard to those not careful. Sadly the ponies who was making the dinner for the various guards, the princesses and the servants were mostly pissing themselves in fear and forgot about the food that was already being cooked. Many ponies that afternoon had to wait for their food. A certain prince was not happy about this event.

“Do you know who I am peasant?! Why must I wait longer than average to dine on my cuisine? I do have plans tonight to get my betrothed to me”

The poor butler who was used to dealing with the Prince’s attitude towards others. Hense why Princess Celestia assigned Polished Blunt to be Prince Blueblood’s personal butler whenever the Prince decided to stay at the palace and required anything. Polished Blunt was, well Blunt. He had to be the most level headed pony to tackle the whims of Bluebloods orders.

“As I have mentioned your highness. The chefs were in shock from Princess Luna destroying the coffee machine in the kitchens due to her not grasping the extraction method. This in turn caused the lilac parm you requested to burn and had to be remade” Blunt adjusting his black bow tie as he stood next to the seated Prince who nursed a glass of red.

“Grr, I swear my Auntie Celestia does this on purpose. Only 2 years ago this…beast broke out of her prison and was just given an equal position all because she is her ‘sister’ tut.”

“I’d advise you not to continue your highness. You never know who is around to listen in. I am sure the wrath of Princess Celestia is vast if she heard the words spoken”

“Hmm, I suppose you are correct. In the meantime I require parchment and a quill with ink. Make it snappy” Blueblood taking a sip from his glass not even looking at Polished Blunt.

“As you command” Blunt bowing slightly and exiting the door, nodding at the personal guards loyal to Blueblood as he pays them well to keep their mouth shut and to protect him at all costs.

“Hmm, it would seem I need to up the stakes with my little endeavour. If I am to marry Miss Spark to ensure our bloodline is pure and not tainted with peasant filth. Perhaps I need to have a talk with Commander Lance again”

As he pondered on his current situation, a knock came from the door. The Prince asked who it was and Blunt came walking in with a silver platter upon his back.

“Your food has arrived your highness”

“About time, did you retrieve parchment as instructed?”

He placed the Silver platter before the Prince and then nodded towards the door. A mare carrying what was asked placed them upon the table then bowed to the Prince before leaving, no words were spoken.

“Good, that will be all for now Blunt. Return in an hours’ time. I should have written up my letter which will be delivered to the Shipping Company afterwards” The Prince holding a fork to the food presented before him.

Blunt bowing and then leaving the room. But not before the Prince shouting for him did he get 2 steps from the door.

“Those incompetent fools gave me the wrong sauce!!!”

‘Never a dull moment round here’ Blunt thought as he saw Prince Blueblood glaring at the food before him.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

At the castle, another heated argument was happening. This time it wasn’t about the ‘food crisis’, no it was about missing ponies along the south near the Badlands.

Commander Lance held a meeting with Commander Echo, Captain Shining Armour and several other high rank officials. Each sat at a long wooden table with various pieces of parchment about the current problem.

“Ponies don’t just disappear. Redcliffe and now Crophoof. At least 80 individuals have disappeared, and yet none of our scouts have reported anything suspicious.” Lance pacing around the room raising his voice to match his current mood.

“If not physical evidence then perhaps magic is involved in some way” Captain Shining spoke up. This getting a few agreements from the officers.

“That’s plausible, alright send an attachment of unicorns to the locations. Hopefully they can scan something that we missed. How many of our guards are in the surrounding towns and villages?” Lance coming closer to the map detailing the exact numbers.

“What do we do in the meantime?” An earth pony by the name of Drill Sargent Hard Case spoke up. He was in charge of the recruits, many rumours and stories of how hard he can be to the new guards to be spread like wildfire. A short buzzcut at toped his dark brown coat of fur. He was a big stallion.

“Not much we can do. I’ve sent half of the night guards to fan out and so far not much. Although there has been a key part of information I was told last night.” Commander Echo speaking. “Not much to go on but ponies have reported that friends and sometimes family have been acting odd. Unusual behaviour or simply missing memories”

This bit of info caused a stir in the room. “Magic must be involved then. High levels as well due to the missing memories. We need to go through the list of Unicorns that have high amounts of mana” Commander Lance addressing the officers. Each nodding in unison.

“Very well. Commander Echo and I will position squads as designated. Sargent Hard Case I want you to continue for the recruits as normal. However if any suspicious behaviour rises from anypony then I trust you to tackle how you see fit. Captain Shining Armour and Arch mage Light Blizz will go through the list and send them to whichever Commander is on the job at the time. We’ll sort through this mess and find them ponies.”

“Commander Lance, a question if I may?” The Arch mage Light Blizz raised her hoof. Her grey mane braided back going down the side of her head. Her coat an off white due to her elderly age. She is highly respected as she calls the shots to do anything magical in the country.

Lance nodded to her prompting her to speak. “Who is in charge of the barrier for the Ponyville? Im assuming you sent an attachment of unicorns”

“Actually no I haven’t. You remember my daughter Shine Spark?” Lance smirking.

“Well yes but what….wait, you haven’t. Commander I know she is highly skilled in enchanting but, her maturity is sorely lacking. Even after she got her honours from Canterlot High, she still got into trouble. Are you this is the best course of action?” The Arch mage leaning back slightly on her chair.

“I am. I and Captain Armour thought it was best. Also since she is creating the barrier with help from Princess Celestia student, Miss Twilight Sparkle. Miss Sparkle may be talented in magic so her being close to the project is a must have. That and I asked if my daughter could keep an eye on the other elements of harmony and report anything odd to us directly. Even if somepony slipped up about the disappearances”. Lance glaring at the Captain. “I’m just grateful that I raised a daughter that’s good at keeping secrets”

“Hmm, very well. Your daughter does produce results, in her way at least. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some exam entries to oversee. Good day gentlecolts” Arch mage bowing slightly before leaving the room.

Rest of the ponies each giving their reason and all that was left was the two Commanders.

“Sigh, this is a mess Echo” Lance putting his head on the table and groaning causing Echo to laugh.

“Aye, by the way I’ve heard from some of the guards that Blueblood is at it again with your daughter. Something about messing up the order for the parts on the barrier”

“Grrr, some day I will throw him in the dungeon and let him rot in there. He will never touch a hoof on my daughter. Disgusting piece of manure” Lance frowning.

“He is a piece of work alright. However I think he might get serious at some point with his advances so best keep an eye on him”

Sigh. Right, thanks for the heads up Echo”

“No worries, now if you’ll excuse me its tea time and I’m famished. You coming?” Echo getting up from his seat.

“I will in a sec, gotta go through the maps first, meet you there” Lance saluting to Echo who returned it with a smirk then leaving the room.

Lance moved the map that detailed the surrounding area of Ponyville closer to him. The only thing that wasn’t in detail was the Everfree forest. Nopony had been able to map it out. Only the surrounding area was mapped so the area was a haze.

“I hope you’re having fun in Ponyville sweetheart. Stay safe”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

P.O.V Spark

You ever looked at a place and thought ‘that doesn’t look dangerous. A bit spooky yeah but dangerous?’. Well, three little shits known as Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo thought be the best idea to go into the fucking forest by themselves to get a cutiemark in something stupid. I get that their kids, heck I did some things that I’m not proud of. Even when I was giving a second life I still make same mistakes as on Earth but I didn’t live near a forest that had a multitude of creatures that could tear apart an adult pony in seconds, never mind a small filly. So me and the other elements set out to find the trio and give em a good backhand. We each split up in 3 groups, Fluttershy, Applejack and Rarity were a group, Pinkie Pie and Twilight was a second and me and Rainbow. Rainbow had to walk beside me since the cover of the canopy forced her to be grounded which she kept bringing up.

“Rainbow, I get yeh pissed off you can’t fly in here but can you put a lid on it. Doing ma head in” I said as I stepped over a fallen tree. If it wasn’t for the dangerous animals and some flora (Yep even in a pretty pony magical paradise they have fly trap that can munch yeh like a kit kat in here) it would be nice. I’ve been told to watch out for blue flowers called Poison Joke from the girls who have had a run in with it. Led to funny results according to Spike.

“Fiiiine” Rainbow spoke behind me. We walked in silence for about 2 minutes so I turned my head to ask if Rainbow was pissed off with me but found out why she was quiet for so long, she was staring at my flank.

“Ahem”

She gave me eye contact then turned her head to the side with a slight blush on her cheeks. She had been caught out.

“Rainbow I don’t mind you checking me out, but in here its business first yeh? We gotta find them fillies. Then pleasure afterwards” I didn’t wait for her to respond as I continued walking. I did hear her quickly trot up to me as she must have stopped.

Another 5 minutes of silence between us before she spotted something. “Spark come here!” I quickly trotted over to see several small hoofprints in the mud. “Nice find, we follow these and we’ll find them”

We both matched our speed and not too long we heard a scream. Afterwards we sprinted and came to a clearing and we both stopped at the scene. Several timber wolves were clawing at a small entrance in the Cliffside where the scream of help emanated. Rainbow didn’t waste any time and shot straight for the closest timber wolf knocking it against the wall and causing to fall to pieces. The other wolves saw this and charged her but she flew into the air and gained their attention. I looked of anything I could use and saw several small rocks which gave me an idea.

“Hey Spark, whenever you’re ready to help” Rainbow quickly flapping to the side to avoid a wolf.

“Keep em distracted I’ve got an idea” The stones each glowed as I etched on several small ley lines to command them to circle me and attack the wolves that would come close.

“Anytime now!” Rainbow being inpatient as ever. Well can’t blame her really.

I stood up and faced the wolves. “Oi, twiggy” This got their attention and all looked at me

“You fancy a smash?” I grinned as the stones flew around me creating a small projectile barrier.

The first wolf wasn’t amused and pounced only to get knocked aside by one of the rocks colliding with his head. The others didn’t favour any better as I causally walked into the fray only for the timber wolves to get pelted by the enchanted rocks. Rainbow with her mouth open hovering in the air above me.

It was all over in a matter of seconds. Each of the wolves were just a pile of sticks with me just smirking. My horn glowed and the rocks orbiting me fell to the floor, cutting the enchantment off.

“Girls, its safe now. Me and Rainbow are here” I spoke to the opening and saw each of the fillies pop out. There manes and tails were a mess but frankly none had any injuries. Scoolaloo run towards Rainbow and hugged her tightly.

“Im glad you three are alright, but seriously though. You know how dangerous this place is?”

They each looked down and in unison apologised. Rainbow was about to tell them off but I stopped her. “Not the place for a lecture Dash, ill signal the others where we are. Rarity and Twilight will come to us”

I stood in the opening and using a simple locater spell sent a wave of magic outwards. This was picked up by the groups and made our way towards us.

“Be about 5 minutes, best stick here for ARRRGH FUCK!!” I felt a searing pain on my right back hoof and was pulled to the ground causing more pain. I looked behind me to see a lone Timber wolf with its jaw on the leg. Wooden teeth sinking into me drawing blood. It twisted its head which caused me to scream more but was met with a cyan hoof to the face as Rainbow flew over me and hit it. It hit the ground and got up but not before I found a decent sided boulder half the size of me. I stood up and turned to face it, flicking my horn over and making the boulder fly right past Rainbow and just obliterated the wolf. Nothing stood there beside some sticks.

The pain on my leg became too much and I collapsed onto the ground. The fillies and Rainbow quickly came to my side.

“Sweet Celesita Spark, you ok?” Rainbow seeing my fucked up leg. Fuck this pain man.

I was breathing heavily as the adrenaline was slowly wearing off. “All peachy Dash, ill go for another round sure”

Sweetie Belle had tears in her eyes as Apple Bloom comforted her. Scootaloo came up to me.

“Your, your gonna be alright yeh?” Poor girl also was teary.

“I’ll live Scoots, just a scratch. I’ve had worse” ‘On Earth as a human yeah but on Equis as a mare. Nah this is the worst I’ve had’

The bleeding showed no sign of stopping and several wooden teeth were still embedded in me. It took about 2 minutes before the other got here and yeah I don’t blame them for their reactions. Fluttershy being the sweetheart was over in an instant doing the best she could. Pinkie Pie I had never known she could straighten her mane like that in a heart beat. Rarity and Apple Jack were off to the side with their sisters, same with Rainbow and Scootaloo. Twilight was beside me with her own tears.

“Twi, seriously. No tears, I’ll live. Ow, fuck my life” Fluttershy so delicately touching the leg.

“Twilight, she needs medical attention. Is there any chance you can teleport her to the hospital” Fluttershy speaking softly. Won’t lie I was starting to get light headed, probs from the loss of blood.

“Yeah, yeah I can do. Ill teleport Spark and myself out of here. Hand in there Spark”

“Twi, ow. I ain’t dying, though I’m gonna need a drink after this shit” I smirked at her as her horn glowed making me close my eyes as to not be blinded by the light.

Being teleported is…odd. It’s like a thick wave of invisible sludge runs down your entire body and then you open your eyes and you’re in a different place. Magic is weird. But yeah we appeared on the floor at the reception in the same position as before. Me on my stomach while Twilight was lent down beside me, stoking my mane. The receptionist gasp and called for a gurney which 2 nurses came through and helped me onto it. A bit painful to move. Twilight was beside me the whole time during the procedure with Doctor Stiches and the two nurses. Nurse Red Heart and Kind Hooves. Lovely girls and the doctors knew his stitching. Well he should since it’s his bloody name but whatever. After 30 minutes of quite painful removing and closing the wounds then wrapping them up, I was left with Twilight still stroking my mane with my right leg still sore but feeling much better on a hospital bed.

“Twilight seriously. Quit it.” This made her stop but not before giving me a bone crushing hug with her tears coating my stomach. Ponies’ man.

“Sorry Twi, I know blood ain’t nice but I’m all good now. Thanks bookworm” This caused her to look at me and wipe her tears away with her hoof.

Sigh, I’m just glad you’re alright now.” She spoke softly with a small smile on her muzzle.

“You know me, the only thing that is keeping me down is an excessive amount of booze” I grinned at her as she rolled her eyes at me.

“Now, I dunno bout you but I’m knackered. Think I’m gonna kip for a bit” I spoke after a yawn.

Twilight nodding at me. “Alright Spark, I’m going to wait for the others at the entrance and see if they got back” She gave me a quick squeeze and then left but not before turning at the entrance of the door.

“I’m happy you came Spark.” And like that she left.

“Heh, same Twilight. Ow…fucking hell, this leg can sod off ow. Do they have morphine here?”


Author's Note

Another chapter sorted, bit of a random perspective but hey ho, hope yeah get some enjoyment from this. Till next time and thank you for reading this mess of a fic :twilightblush:

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