Zecora's Excellent Adventure

by neorenamon

'By the gods does my head ache,' thought Zecora as she awakened, 'What sort of medicine did I take?'

The zebra shook her head and gathered her wits. Then she remembered that she was caught in an explosion. One caused when Apple Bloom made a mistake brewing a potion in training. Just as she pushed the filly out the front door, the brew exploded and that was the last thing she could remember before waking up... in a very strange and smelly place.

Opening her eyes, she found herself surrounded by strange creatures about her size, but they managed to stand on two legs quite easily. Well, most of them could. She also noted that all of the creatures were wearing clothing of some sort almost over their entire bodies oddly devoid of hair for the most part.

"What things do my eyes see?" she asked, "What manner of creatures do you be?"

"Oh look!" cried one of them, "It's a talking baby zebra!"

"Fuck yeah!" agreed another, "It's gotta be magic like muthafuckin unicorns!"

"I am no unicorn for lack of horn," she replied, "and have no dick as I was born."

"Dis bitch is talkin' weird shit," spoke up a third.

"Yeah man!" growled a fourth, "They's talkin' smack like Bullhorn!"

Another turned about, put their hands to their mouth and yelled, "HEY BULLHORN!! THERE'S A HOT NAKED BITCH IN HERE!!"

She could hear thundering footsteps until the door burst open, almost falling off it's hinges. The creature that entered seemed a whole lot larger than the others in the room.

"You little shits better not be lyin!" he scowled, "Lest you muthafuckin' little shits be dyin!"

He stopped as he stared down at the zebra.

"So you are the Bull Horn I see?" she asked, "There is no horn of bull seen by me."

"How the fuck did you get in here?" he barked, "One of you brats is busted, you hear?!"

"But Bullhorn, this pony bitch just appeared in a big cloud of smoke!" protested the first creature, "We didn't do dick shit!"

"Can we keep her?!" asked another.

"Black Dynamite gonna have a fit," he mused, "comin' home to zebra shit!"

"Maybe she's house broken?!" asked the first.

"I know not how much more I can take," scowled Zecora, "for should someone's house I would break?"

"That all means ya ain't gonna piss and shit all over," offered yet another creature.

"Living wild and free is my goal," she replied, "but I'm more trained than a newborn foal!"

"For a zebra, you're kinda small," answered Bullhorn, "not like a zebra at all."

"Look at these bitching brass rings!" said a smaller creature as it pointed at Zecora's neck and foreleg, "It's gotta be some dude's tiny pet zebra!"

"Calling me a tiny pet?!" asked the zebra, "That's the worst I've heard yet!"

"Now children listen to Bullhorn!" called the tall one, "There might be danger, I warn."

"The only threat that I do see," she replied, "does not come from one like me."

The children crowded in around her, petting her from all directions.

"But even in this very strange place, please grant me some personal space!"

"I don't seem to stare, but this is a mare?" he asked.

One of the children grabbed Zecora's tail and yanked it up as they said, "See?! No balls!"

"Child unhand my tail! Do not doddle or fail!"

"BULLHORN!" called someone down the hall, "What the hell is this racket?!" Someone stuck their head in the doorway as she added, "I told Black Dynamite we'd keep the orphans safe while he's out kickin' ninja aaa..."

Dy-na-mite! Dy-na-mite!

"She followed us home!" called the children, "Can we keep her?!"

"How da fuck did a miniature zebra get in here?! Someone better spill da beans!"

"No one here has the means," offered Zecora, "to go and spill any beans."

"That muthafuckin' zebra talks?!"

"I speak as well as any other, and why should I fuck my mother?"

"DAAAYUUUM!" she muttered as she covered her eyes with her hand.

"And why do you question my stature? I'm surely in no way miniature!"

"Isn't she awesome, Honey Bee?"

Honey sniffed the air before she announced, "That better not be horse shit I smell!"

"Nah," said one child pointing at another, "Little Chad Coleman pooped in his diapers again."

"C'mon woman and do your work," scowled Bullhorn, "don't stand there with a smirk!"

Honey grabbed up Little Chad as she said, "Why is it always the woman who's gotta change the fuckin' daipers?! It's sexism, I tell ya! Sexism!" She stormed out of the room before anyone could answer.

Zecora scowled as the children showed no sign of giving her any space. Heck, even one kid in a one piece baby suit was lifted up onto the zebra's back. They wrapped their little arms about the zebra's neck beneath the brass rings.

"Well I don't know what to do," mused Bullhorn, "Turn her over to a zoo?"

"NO WAY!" they replied.

"What manner of place is this zoo?" she asked, "What kind of things do they do?"

"It's like prison for animals!" said one of the children.

"What kind of thing did I do," she replied, "To deserve this prison zoo?"

"Does this look like a damn stable?!" grumbled Bullhorn, "To have a zebra at our table?!"

"This must be like the only goddamn talkin' zebra in the world!" said a smaller child.

"That means she's got no parents!" agreed another, "That makes her a fucking orphan too!"

"YEAH!" called all the other children.

"Well I guess I gotta agree more," he muttered, "This ain't no muthafuckin' whore."

"So she can stay?!" they asked. Fucking creepy, isn't it?

"Bullhorn never turned an orphan out to the street," he replied as he turned to walk out, "Boy am I tied and muthafuckin' beat..." Then he paused to ask, "By the way what do you eat? Hopefully something nice and neat."

"A dandelion sandwich will do," she replied, "or rolled oats will work too."

"We got oatmeal!" cried one of the children, "That can with that old white muthafucker on it!"

"Honey Bee! Make some Quaker Oats!" he muttered as he walked out, "We better not be adopting goats..."

"I AM NOT YOUR BITCHASS SLAVE!" she called from down the hall.