Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition

“You sure you want to do this, Twilight?”

Twilight Sparkle, immortal alicorn Princess of Friendship, nods solemnly as you walk to the map room, to await the rest of the girls coming

”I have to tell them, Spike. Friends don’t keep secrets this big from each other. It would be…wrong. Even if it is weird and uncomfortable”

“Hah, yeah…”

You avert your eyes for a moment and scratch your head. You don’t think she caught on to what you did, but you still feel super guilty about it. You try to act as casual as you can manage, putting your arms back down to their sides and looking back at Twilight.

“I guess I see what you mean, though. I’d be annoyed if someone had kept the fact that they’re indestructible a secret.”

”Technically speaking I’m not indestructible, Spike.”

“Oh, sure.” You say. Classic Twilight, always so pedantic about words and stuff. You can see that you’ve got her thinking now

“In fact, come to think of it, I’m very destructible. Taking me apart was pretty easy, really. Maybe that’s a trade-off? We should do more research on that.”

You think about that last thing she said.

“Uh, wouldn’t you need to see how easily it is to cut a normal, non-immortal pony apart?”

”Oh, that’s true actually. I’m sure there’s a book about that I can read.”

You think you’ll give that one a miss

“When will they be here then?”

”Should be sometime soon. Unless they all get caught up in something. But I’m sure there will be no problems. We’ll all just have a nice, casual, informal chat about it. Nothing weird. OK?”

You nod your head as you both enter the map room. You’d like to get through this without any other…distractions. You’re sure nothing like that will repeat itself though…

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You are Scootaloo, Cutie Mark Crusader and number one fan of Rainbow Dash. You are currently way, way out in a field out of town, and you’re about to witness the most awesome stunt in Pegasus history. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had been working on a “super duper top ultra double-mega secret” project. And now, because you’re her number one fan, Rainbow has revealed it to you

It’s an obstacle course. No, it’s THE obstacle course. Flaming hoops! Spinning blades! Crushers! Spikes! Catapults! If it’s deadly, it’s here. Well, there’s no deadly animals or anything like that. Rainbow told you she wanted a manticore in there somehow, but couldn’t figure out how to get one in it. She’s still pretty sure that this is the most dangerous, most deadly and most coolest stunt course ever devised, and who are you to doubt her? And now she’s going for a test run before she shows it off to everypony tomorrow. Why? Because awesome ponies do awesome things, and this was the very definition of the word.

Rainbow dash stands ready at the start, waiting for you to say when. If it was anypony else-literally anypony-you would be terrified for them, begging them to reconsider and so on. It would be certain death, surely. But this is Rainbow Dash. And she’s convinced she can do it.
Well, she did say that her “original” design was just a couple of flaming hoops and a tunnel.

”But, you know how Pinkie is. She just kept adding, and adding, and adding...But I don’t back down from anything. Why would I? I’m THE Rainbow Dash! So what if there’s a giant rotating death blade at the end? I…I can take it!”

She’s so brave. Your heart flutters at the memory of her definitely not insecure face as she gave you her word that she would “wreck” the course. You see her look towards you. It’s time. You give her the signal …And she’s off! Rainbow speeds through the flaming loops that comprise the start of the obstacle course, shooting clear like a very colourful arrow. You woop and holler at the sight of the Pegasus ducking and weaving through the moving pendulum blades, which make an audible metallic scream as they move this way and that.
Then you gasp as she just narrowly avoids being flattened by the industrial presser, emerging from under it with only a grim look of determination on her face. She’s doing it! Of course she is-it’s Rainbow Dash!

“Go, Rainbow, Go!” you chant, waving your hooves in the air. The blue Pegasus avoids the rocks thrown by the catapults like it’s filly’s play, dancing in the air like ballet. Then she races through a tunnel of spikes and blades. You hold your breath for what seems like an eternity, waiting for her to emerge. You almost burst when she does, looking no worse for wear.

She’s coming up to the end, and the most dangerous obstacle. The rotating blades spinning in a giant circle, held up by a pole. It’s basically a giant fan if it had been designed by a sadist. And Rainbow was zooming towards it full speed. Her timing has to be perfect. Your heart is racing, beating painfully against your tiny chest. You’re not sure if you can watch
She’s almost there. You force your eyes open. You hear the roar of the blades...

…She goes right through it! She’s done it! You holler and whoop, adrenaline coursing through you as she flies towards your seated position to the side. She lands by you, smirking.

”How was that, kid?” she asks

“AWESOME!” you shout

”That’s right! Gimme a hoof!”

She raises her hoof up, and you jump up and slap it with your own

And then she falls apart

One moment shes standing there, hoof raised in triumph. Then in a blink, she’s in pieces. Her severed hoof flops down and rolls towards you. You stare at it, and then at the pile of Rainbow Dash in front of you. She’s basically a series of blue and red cubes now. With the occasionally bone white thrown in, with some other colours. You’re pretty sure the pink bits are her brain, for example. Oh, and you can see a square that seems to have her filly parts on it, right next to an unidentifiable reddy-brown cube. The dark lips are entirely intact, which seems a minor miracle really. Your eyes are drawn to them…

Still in shock, you move a hoof towards it. You flinch a little when you make contact, the feeling of her warm, damp flesh waking you up like a blast of cold water to the face. Rainbow’s been…she’s…you feel your eyes well up for a moment. Then you see one of Rainbow’s eyes lying near the top of the pile. To your amazement, it blinks, then looks up at you. You look down at it. Your peripheral vision notices the other eyecube moving to look at you from the bottom left of the pile. It also blinks. Which means she’s still…ok? Maybe she can still hear you

Stealing yourself for what felt like the umpteenth time today, you take a deep breath and dig through the pile until you find an ear. It's still very warm, and you feel all sorts of weird textures. Some gooey, some spongy, some hard...You try not to think about all of this too much. All your focused on is helping Rainbow out in her time of need. You find an ear, eventually. You turn it this way and that in your hoof, before raising it to your mouth and shouting into it

“HELLO RAINBOW. I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU TO TWILIGHT AFTER I FIND SOMETHING TO PUT YOU ALL IN. DON’T GO ANYWHERE”

You don’t know if she heard you or not, but that’s all you can do for now. You gently set the ear down on top of the pony-pile, and then turn away to go and get your scooter. Time to find a bucket

You are Fido, the Diamond Dog. And you've got an axe to grind

Because you've got an axe, you see. And a very annoying pony to grind it against

"Darling, let's not do anything we may regret in the future..." says Rarity, with a coolness that would be admirable if you didn’t find her so bloody annoying. You're on the edge of the pony village. She was carrying some gems back from somewhere when you found her. The other dogs always said they'd love to get their revenge on her for that time down in the mines. Rover was fuming about it for months, and just having to listen to him rant for hours at a time was enough to drive any dog crazy. Well now you were gonna get that revenge alright. He’d probably just complain that he wasn’t there to see it though.

The white unicorn held her head up high, weighing you up. The look on her face was only making you madder. Even now she was acting all high and mighty.

"Tell you what, I'll give you...a third of the gems I found today, hmm?” she said, almost casually. “Sound good, er...Fluffy?"

Your eye twitches, and you raise the axe high above your head.

"IT'S FIDO!"

You bring the axe down as she's raising her offer to 40%, an offer that soon comes to a sudden halt. The axe cleaves her head clean in two, right down the middle. Both sides flop around when you raise your axe again, her eyes going in loopy circles independent of each other. You keep hacking away until the cut goes down to her chest. Her organs start to spill onto the floor as you continue to cut her in two in a berserker rage, screaming incoherently.

Eventually her two halves fall to the ground. Her left side faces up, and her right side is face down, exposing her innards and bones like it's an anatomy model. Not that you ever studied anatomy. Even you know that ponies weren’t meant to be in two halves, though. You stand over her, panting, with the bloody axe in your hand. Serves her right. Stupid, stuck up, whiny pony. You turn to leave

"Ok, so you...want half then?" said a voice

"Ok, so you want half then?" said another, identical voice at the same time. Wat. You turn around.

"Who's there?" you shout, looking around

"Down here, darling"

"Down here, darling"

You look down.

Rarity's left side looks up at you.

"Pretty please?" it says.

"Pretty please?" mimics her right.

You drop the axe in shock. Oh no. Oh no, no no. There's two of them now. Your worst nightmares have come true. They both start to move, trying to stand up on only two shaky legs. The left side manages it, but the right side slumps down to it’s side again, into a pile of its (not hers, its) own intestines. Both sides look at you in a different eye.

"Don't make us whine at you"
"Don't make us whine at you"

Nope. You are simply not having this. You run off as fast as your bandy legs can take you, throwing up dust under your padded feet as you disappear into the horizon. You promise yourself to never interact with a pony ever again.

You don’t hear Rarity sighing in stereo as you go, wondering how she's going to get back to town like this…

You are now Derpy Hooves. Well, that's what every calls you, because it sounds funny, and everyone says you're funny! Haha! You've got some mail for the Princess's friends. Must be important! You wonder what adventures they're about to get into now. You were sure that it was going to be very exciting and they would all have a great time.

You've delivered letters to the homes of Rarity, Pinkie and your good friend Rainbow Dash
You don't hang out much, but she always tells you how you're a friend. She's a nice pony. She wasn't in when you posted your letter though She must be having fun somewhere else!

You're on your way to the Apple farm now. You look down from the sky and into the fields, wondering if you would see Applejack or her family nearby. Oh, there they are! They're raising a new barn! You helped them once. It fell down and you cried but she gave you a pie and said she ain't mad, and she never been mad, and that she wanted you to know that.

She was a nice pony.

You spot Applejack on the highest beam, talking to her brother about something. He nods his head and walks back towards the main house. Maybe he forgot something. There was lots of big important building things scattered around. It looked dangerous but Applejack didn't seem scared of being so high up. Oh, you should go say hi and deliver that letter now! You fly down, her letter already in your mouth. She doesn't see you coming. You land behind her and tap her butt with your hoof.

"Hi, Applejack!"

"WHAT THE-"

Oops! She fell off the barn. What a silly pony!..Oh, did you do that? Oh, you did it again. Oh…You hope she isn't mad at you. You look down and see her lying down. Did she spill something? There's red and pink all over the place. Like the pile of wood next to her, where her hat now is. You fly down next to her to, landing softly on the lush grass.

"Sorry, Applejack, are you ok?"

She doesn't respond straight away. First she stands up, slowly, and shakily. Then turns around. Applejack stares blankly at you, drooling. The top of her head is missing, like an egg that's been cracked open. Most of her brain is also gone. The remaining grey matter is sloshing around like bad jelly. She tilts her head, and most of the remaining brain slops out onto the grass.

"App...les..." says Applejack

You take all of this in for a minute or two, your thoughts slowly building momentum like a mudslide. And then it hits you. You gasp in shock. Her eyes... They're like yours! You giggle, and sigh with relief. You thought she was hurt, but if she's just feeling like you do, she must be very happy! Because you're always happy!

"Well, I have a letter for you!" you say cheerfully.

"Apples....Ap...Apples" she says, in a slow monotone.

You offer the letter to her, but Applejack doesn't seem to notice. She just keeps saying “apples” in different ways. Wow, she really loved apples to talk about them like this! Shrugging, you pop the letter into her now empty head.

"Apples..." she says

"Well, I'll leave you to your barn! It looks great!"

"..."

"..."

"...Apples"

"Yeah, see you around too!" you say.

With that, you fly off. You wave to her brother as you go. He has a big ladder with him. He waves to you, then sees Applejack, and sprints toward her at full pelt. Must be eager to build that barn!

One more letter and then your shift is done! Over to Fluttershy's cottage you go. She's a nice pony...

You reach Fluttershy's cottage in due time. Putting the letter in the letterbox, you wonder how she's getting on. She was always such a quiet pony. You knock on the door. There's no reply. Hmm, maybe she's out. You knock again anyway. You can hear animal noises. And other, weirder noises. Like loud chewing .Oh, maybe she's having dinner! With her animals! Or maybe...

You shudder. Maybe they're having Fluttershy for dinner! You spring to the window and look in Yikes! That's actually exactly what's happening. You can see the yellow mare's form sprawled on the floor, with various animals over her. Nothing out of the ordinary from what you usually see at her cottage, but one had her intestines in his mouth. And one was chewing on a limb like a toy, sitting over in the corner away from the carnage.

You can't believe it…For once, your overactive imagination was correct! Who's crazy now, doctor?! At any rate, you had to act. Crying a vicious war cry, you dive through the window, glass shattering. It hurts a little, but you're a brave mare, and now you needed to be brave for a friend.

"I object!" you shout, like in the movies.

The animals all jump, then stare at you hungrily. Uh oh.

"Get back, or I'll do karate at you! Hiya!"

You start doing karate at them, or rather, towards them. Your hooves flail like a stuffed toy caught in a washing machine. It seems to be working-the animals stand perfectly still, watching you. They're too intimated to move, you're sure.

"Umm...what are you doing?"

You look down at Fluttershy, who is sitting up now, entrails still in the jaw of a nearby wolf.

"Did you...break my window? That wasn't very nice..."

"But, you're in danger! You're hurt!" you protest.

She looks down at her wounds.

"Oh, right, well, it's funny, I was cutting some food up for the animals when I cut myself, but it didn't hurt, which was strange, and when they saw the blood, Mr Paws couldn't help myself and...well..."

She gestures with a stump to the wolf with her leg in his jaws. He looks bashful, but chews it anyway.

"Anyway, it still didn't hurt or anything, and well, one thing led to another and..."

She trails off a little, as more of her guts are drawn out of her abdomen.

"...I guess I maybe sort of fed myself to them. But it's ok, I feel fine! I think maybe Twilight would-"

"Oh, you have a letter from Princess Twilight, actually! Hold on a second, I’ll go get it."

You trot out and go to retrieve the letter. Oh you hate these darn letterboxes. You fiddle with it as the animals inside grow louder. There's a commotion and Fluttershy yelps, which you don’t notice. You finally get the thing out and turn around. Fluttershy's head rolls out he open door, coming to a stop at your hoof.

"Oh my, they really do like how I taste. It's very, um...flattering..."

She blushes.. You drop the letter on her face unceremoniously.

"My shift is done!" you announce happily. "I'm away to get food. Bye bye, Fluttershy!"

"Wait, wait a moment!" squeals Fluttershy. "If it's not too much trouble, could you maybe take me to Twilight's castle? I bet she knows what's going on. And if you leave me here, the animals might, well, crack my skull open and eat my brains."

To illustrate her point, some bones fly out of the door, rattling spookily as they land. She looks up at you pleadingly. You agree to help her, and stuff her head in your empty mailbag.. She says something but you can't hear her very well. Well, one last delivery, on the house for a good friend! You fly away as a bear enters the cottage. Twilight was a nice pony. She's always happy to see you