Anatomy Lessons 2: Mane Six Edition

The good news is that you and Twilight were able to put Rainbow Dash back together with nearly no complications. The bad news is that the “nearly” part of that sentence was something of a stickler for Rainbow, as it turns out that no matter how hard you looked, there was a certain part of her that was missing. She is not happy about this.

“That no good little squirt!” she yells, shaking her hoofs at the heavens. “She’s bagged my vag!”

“Rainbow, calm down!” said a visibly blushing Twilight. “Let’s just double check the castle, it must be lying around here somewhere. Spike, you’ve not…um…seen anything?” she asks. You sigh.

“No, Twilight. Pretty sure I would have mentioned if I had seen something like that lying around.”

“That’s true.” Says Twilight, who then makes the mistake of giggling, earning her a furious stare from the irate pegasus. “Oh, sorry Rainbow, this is obviously very distressing for you-“

“Darn right it is! Looks at me!” says Rainbow, turning around and raising her tail. Where there would have normally been a pair of dark-blue lips was now featureless skin. She shakes her rumps to emphasis its alien nature.

“Look at me, I’m like a doll! Ponies shouldn’t be blank down there, it’s just weird!” she said, wiggling her butt at you and Twilight with aggravated vigour. “I can’t even feel anything, cause some pervert pegasus stole my hole!”

“Rainbow, not in front of Spike! He’s still young!”

“Uh, yeah, just an…innocent teenage dragon, hehe…” you mutter. “I can’t believe somepony would do something like this, right?”
“Yeah, even Spike knows this is a no-no. You don’t just loot a cooter like that!”

“Dash, can you please stop using rude synonyms for your-“

“I know, I know, sorry Twi. I just feel so let down.” Says Rainbow, with an air of wounded dignity. “I treat that kid good, let her come to my death-trap runs, and in return she goes and hunts my c-“

“Rainbow!” shouts Twilight, stopping the ranting Dash mid-sentence. “You’ve clearly made your point. We’ll get it back, don’t worry. Just chill out here for a while, ok?”

“Stay here?! No way, I’m going to go find that snatch-catching filly and…and…oh just wait till I get my hooves on her!”

“I’m not letting you out of the castle until you calm down, you’re liable to do something crazy, or start shouting about how Scootaloo stole your genitals because you got sliced up into itty-bitty pieces.”

“Well SOMEPONY’s gotta go get it back! Are you gonna go ask her?”

“Well…”

At that moment, the door to Twilight’s room opens up. In walk the rest of Twilight’s friends, sans Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy is carrying some sort of white bag, and judging by the rather awkward expression on her face, and the way that the bag is moving around like a sack of weasels, you feel like you can make an intelligent guess as to its contents. Sure enough, Fluttershy opens up the bag and out rolls a hyperactive pink ball.

“Heya everypony!” says Pinkie’s head, cheerfully. “So I’ve just had the best idea ever!”

“Pinkie, oh my gosh, are you ok?!” says Twilight, before pausing. “Oh…well, I know you’re immortal and everything, but what I mean is, are you…what happened?”

“Oh, just a little misunderstanding with my animals” says Fluttershy. “It’s ok though, they were awfully sorry and we’re all friends again. Right, Pinkie Pie?”

“Yup!” says Pinkie’s head, smiling a toothy smile. “So, anyway, as they were eating my intestines, I thought to myself…oh hey Spike!” she says, noticing you. “Did you and Twi manage to put Rainbow back together then?”

“Yes.”

“No!” says Rainbow. “They didn’t have the most important part, because Scootalo swiped my…uh…clipe?” she said, her eyes crossing as she tried to think. “Hang on a minute, I had some more good ones…”

“What the hay is she talking about?” asked Applejack, as Twilight shook her head.

“We think Scootaloo may have, um, borrow her…mareparts.” She says, quietly. Rarity and Applejack immediately snort with laughter, as Rainbow starts to glow a rather impressive shade of furious blood red. “I was thinking I should go round and get them back-“

“Oooh, you should send Spike!” says Pinkie pie, her head practically bouncing up and down. You look at her, confused by her suggestion.
“Why me?” you ask.

“Becaaaaaause…you just should!” says Pinkie Pie. “It might be super cool if you, you know, left us alone for an hour or so?” She looks up at you in a pleading way. You look across to Twilight, who shrugs, none the wiser as to what Pinkie is planning. “Besides, Twilight would look pretty still walking around like that?”

“Like what?” asked Twilight, before looking down at her own back, apparently forgetting that her head was still on back to front. “Ah, good point. Well, if you cut my head off again I can fix it! Oh that sounds so weird to say, still…”

“Don’t worry Twi, it’s ok.” You say. “I’ll go find her and get your…parts back, Rainbow.” You say, looking at the still mortified pegasus. “I’m gonna borrow this bag though. I don’t exactly want to walk through town carrying your bits in my claws.”

“You make sure to tell Scootaloo that I’m extremely upset, ok!” shouts Dash as you exit the room. You hear Pinkie begin to whisper excitedly in a hushed tone, but you can’t quite make out what she’s saying. Well, whatever it is, you’re sure that you’ll hear all about it when you get back to the castle. It’s probably just some silly minor thing. Or it could be something completely crazy. It was Pinkie Pie, after all…

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It’s getting a little dark as you ask about town for any sighting of a certain orange pegasus. You hear that she had been seen with the rest of the crusaders coming out of the boutique just a little while ago, but that they had all went off by herself somewhere, probably to wherever it is that she actually lives. Good thing, too. This task was embarrassing enough just having to ask Scootaloo, so you’d rather do it alone if at all possible.

As you walk through town, feeling the cold wind on your scales, you You walk around town for a little bit before, by complete luck, finding her walking down a quiet part of town that you don’t remember visiting all that much, filled with small, sleepy houses. You call her name, and she turns around, alarmed, before she recognises you.

“Spike? What are you doing out here?” she asks. She’s got a little felt bag around her neck. You don’t have to be a detective to figure out the contents. She even holds a hoof to it, perhaps subconsciously protecting it. Too little, too late. You come close to her before dropping your voice to a whisper.

“Hey, Scoots…uh…” you begin, wondering how to word this particular request. “So…I was talking to Rainbow earlier-“

“You did?!” she says, clear as a whistle, before you indicate for her to be quiet. “Uh, I mean…you did, huh?” she continues, now also whispering. You nod your head slowly, looking into her eyes with what you hope was a certain amount of authority. She fidgets with the bag around her neck, embarrassed. Scootaloo nods her head towards a nearby alleyway. The street’s deserted but you follow her down there anyway. When you’re tucked away from view, she quietly fishes her prize out of the bag and shows it to you wordlessly, holding her hooves up at you.

You can’t help but stare at the little chunk of dark blue flesh in her hooves. You can see a hint of pink lying just behind the lips. It looks surprisingly moist for a detached piece of flesh. You hear a small chuckle, and look down at Scootaloo, who’s studying your face with an amused look. You shake your head and start to open the bag that you brought with you.

“I bet she’s pretty mad at me, huh. Rainbow Dash, that is.” She says, smiling ruefully. You pause mid transaction and nod your head.

“Yyyyyup.” You say. She laughs again, but you can tell she’s not feeling great about this. She opens her mouth a few times, as if trying to explain herself, but all that she manages are a few half-formed, abandoned words before giving up and falling silent. You feel bad for her. It’s a bad thing to do, but hey, it’s not like you can throw any stones from your spot inside your own glass house. You seriously consider telling her about your own little mishaps, before deciding against it. No point stoking that fire. And at the end of the day, your fear of Twilight ever finding out what you got up to with her own parts outweighs your desire to tell Scootaloo that you know how she feels. Still, you try to assuage her fears a little.

“She’ll get over it. She’s mad, but she gets mad at a lot of things, then calms down about it later. I’ll tell her you’re really sorry and she’ll be fine come the morning, trust me.” You say. She looks up and smiles at you weakly, nodding.

“Thanks, Spike. I wish I’d never done it now. Uh…you don’t think I’m weird, do you?”

“Of course not.” You say, shifting on your feet a little as you speak. “I mean, you know, these things happen. Well, obviously not this EXACT thing, I mean…you know, you get curious, I get that.”

“But you must get curious too, right?” she says, getting a little closer to you. “I mean, you’ve lived with Twilight all this time. Haven’t you ever…you know…” Oh man, it must be a warm night or something, because you’re sweating up a storm all of a sudden. You decide to simply ignore this line of questioning and get down to business, taking the hunk of flesh from Scootaloo and bagging it in one swift motion, trying not to focus on how impossibly soft it felt, or the slight wetness that now lingered on your claws.

“Thanks, Scootaloo” you say. The orange pegasus nods. She seems…disappointed, somehow, no doubt hoping that you would have given her more of an answer. Sorry kid, no such luck. You bid her goodbye and start to make your way back to the castle, stepping lightly through the darkening streets.

The castle is quiet when you get back. You assume that the other girls all went home, although you thought that Rainbow would have stuck around at the very least. You call out for Twilight as you head towards her room, and she has soon teleported in front of you, albiet facing the “wrong” way. She turns herself around so that she can actually look at you face first, and you can’t help but notice that the purple alicorn is looking rather flustered.

“Spike, you’re back!” she says. “That was quick!”

“Yeah, I found her walking around town. And I got the goods!” you say, indicating your bag.

“Great job, Spike. I’ll make sure to give it to Rainbow first thing tomorrow.”

“Why did she leave before getting it back?” you ask. “She seemed pretty torn up about it. Heh. No pun intended.”

“Oh, you know Rainbow.” says Twilight. “She’s always just flying off on a moment’s notice, haha!” She smiles at you before taking the bag off you. She can’t resist taking a little peak inside, opening it up and putting her eye to the entrance. “Yup, there it is alright. Looks in good condition, too! Uh, as in, it’s not damaged.” Twilight quickly closes the bag and clears her throat. “Anyway, boy am I tired after today. How about we hit the hay?”

“Already?” you say. “Actually I was gonna go down to the kitchen and fix up something to eat-“

“No, don’t!” says Twilight, tensing up in front of you. You give her a curious look, and she awkwardly loosens up again. “Well, I mean, you’ve been working so hard today, how about you just go upstairs and I’ll make you something!”

“Uh…sure, whatever. See you there.” You say, not really getting why Twilight is acting so weird. You were just gonna get a sandwich or something, what was the big deal? But it is kinda late, and you are kinda tired, so you’re not going to protest too much. You make your way upstairs as Twi teleports away. As you go, you swear that you can smell something in the air, but you’ve no idea what it is. It’s not an unpleasant smell, by any means. Just unusual.

It’s a little while before Twilight appears in the bedroom with a sandwich on a plate, which looks pretty appetising to your eyes. You take the plate off her and thank her.

“Are you ever gonna get that fixed?” you ask, pointing at her head as you go to pick up your meal.

“Tomorrow. It’s not that bad when you get used to it.” Answers Twilight, flexing her neck left and right as she talks. “Well, not bad enough that I feel like cutting my head off to fix it at any rate. And besides, sometimes it’s good to approach life from a different perspective!”

“I don’t think that’s quite what they meant when they coined that phrase” you say, before taking a bite out of your meal. Your eyes light up as you taste the contents. “Wow, this tastes amazing!” you say, savouring your mouthful.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Spike.”

“Sorry, sorry. But this is…I’ve not tasted anything quite like this before! What’s in it!”

“Well, Pinkie said that-uh, I mean, I picked a new…sauce!” says Twilight, smiling nervously at you. If you hadn’t been busy eating the tastiest sandwhich ever you might have picked up on something unusual there. As it is you happily accept the alicorn’s explanation and continue to munch away until it’s finished.

“Whatever that was, I hope there’s more!” you say when you’re done. Twilight giggles.

“Oh, I’m sure there is. Now, quick reading session to let your meal digest and then it’s bedtime, ok? I have a feeling we might have a big day tomorrow…”

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When you go to see Twilight the next morning, her bed is empty save for a single piece of paper. “Meat me in the dining room.” It says. “P.S bring the bag with Dash’s marebits down, TIA #1A!” This is odd. For a start, since when did Twilight make such basic spelling errors? You are undeniably intrigued, however, and it’s not like you’re doing much right now, so with a shrug you pick up the bag next to her bed and make your way down the castle’s echoing halls towards the dining room. There is another note pinned to the door, this one written in what looks suspiciously like crayon. This one said “Knock before you come in Spike! : ) “ It reminded you of Pinkie Pie. You knock on the door with your claws. The sound of muffled voices can be heard, as well as some magic, some metallic clattering and other strange sounds.

“Don’t come in yet!” said a voice. Looks like you were right

“Pinkie? What are you doing here so early? What’s going on?”

“Juuuuust a minute Spike! Rarity, stop fussing about that and just-there, perfect. Okey-dokey Spike, come oooooon iiiiiin!”

You open the door. The first thing to hit you is the smell. It’s same scent from last night, but this time amplified to about a hundred. Whatever it is, it’s mixed in with some other, more delicate scents, but this one smell rises above them all in a way that seems almost overpowering. You strain to place or describe it. Then you take a look at the table before you and it hits you like a speeding train.
Meat

“Surprise!” say five voices. Every one of Twilight’s friends are present, bar Twilight herself. Well, you say they’re present. Five severed heads smile up at you on the table. Each one is lying next to a silver plate containing some sort of meal. You can barely focus on their contents, between the aroma of cooked meat and the general unexpected weirdness that you’ve just wandered in to. Pinkie seems to notice that you’re just kind of staring blankly, and offers an explanation.

“So I had this a-MAZING idea when I got eaten the other day! Now that we’re all super duper immortal, and Twilight can regrow the bits that get eaten, how about I FINALLY get to try out my big book of Griffon cuisine and make our favourite omnivore Spike a feast! Ta-daaaa!” She says, breathlessly. You’re not really sure what to say.

“Uh…thanks?” you eventually manage. “I mean, I’ve never really eaten meat, and…well, this seems kinda a lot of effort.”

“It’s certainly not how I envisaged spending the morning.” Says Rarity. “But you’ve been such a dear over the last day or so, and it’s not quite the commitment that it is for, well, normal ponies.”

“Pinkie seemed so eager to try it, it was hard to say no.” admits Fluttershy. “And Twilight said it would be good both for you and for her, if it helps her practice her new spell…”

“Where is Twilight anyway?” you ask.

“Later, later! Your foods getting cold, you haven’t even looked at it yet!” says Pinkie. She’s right-you’ve barely registered what’s in front of you. “Rarity’s the starter, try her first!” You look across at Rarity. There’s a bowl of what looks rather like soup in front of you. In fact that’s exactly what it is. It’s a smooth, browny red colour, littered with chunks of what you presume is Rarity’s meat and some assorted vegetables, with a small plate of buttered bread to the side of it. You walk over and pick up a spoon before hesitating, look down at Rarity’s head. She rocks a little back and forward, and you realise that it’s her attempt at an encouraging nod. You dip your spoon in and try it.

“Well? How am I?” she asks, giggling slightly. “Isn’t it just wonderfuly elegant, like moi? I’m not a culinary expert, but I can’t imagine a classier starter.”

“It’s…good” you say, slowly. “Weird, but definitely good.” You try another spoonful. It seems oddly familiar, actually. But you’ve never eaten anything like this, right? Then your eyes light up. “Hey, I tasted this last night!”

“Yup!” Says Pinkie Pie. “Twilight asked me to make something for you, so I snuck in a little pony meat with special sauce! Like it?” she asks, grinning. You do. Spike like. You dunk some bread in and take some more spoonfuls before moving on to some other courses, mindful of how much food there was to get through.

Fluttershy is next. She looks rather more embarrassed about all of this than Rarity does. On her plate is a small brown package filled with some sort of stuffing, surrounded by mashed potatoes and some other vegetables. You poke it with a fork and the stuffing falls out, but your none the wiser to what it actually is. It looks like a mixture of what must be meat and other, more traditional pony food like oatmeal and some other stuff. You take a curious bite. It’s actually pretty good! A little spicy, actually.

“I-Is it good?” asks Fluttershy, as you help yourself to some more.

“You’re great, Fluttershy!” you say, earning a relived smile. “What is this, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Pinkie made it after she…um, cut my head off. She said it’s called a…haggis?”

“A haggis?” you say, laughing. “Heh, what the heck is a haggis?”

“It’s her heart, lungs and liver minced up and cooked inside her stomach!” Pinkie say, cheerfully, as you go to take another mouthful. You pause, eyeing the contents of the plate warily, as Fluttershy’s face goes rather pale.

“Oh. Um…neat. Well, I think I’ve had enough for now…” you say, quickly moving on to the next dish.

“You won’t need to worry about anything weird with me, partner!” says Applejack. “Uh, no offense, Fluttershy.” She adds. Her plate looks simple enough. It’s just big hunks of meat, basically. A fairly large, brown slice of her sits in the middle of the plate, flanked by two portions of what looked like her ribs. It was coated with a barbeque sauce, and smelled pretty appetizing to your inexperienced nose. At her encouragement, you pick up a rack of her ribs with your claws and take some bites.

“Woah, now THIS is good! You say, enthusiastically, leaving Applejack smiling smugly as you dig in to the rich, savoury goodness of her meat. “Now I get why meat’s so popular with griffons. And dragons, actually. Thanks, Applejack!”

“Aww shucks, ain’t nothing.” Said the blonde-maned head in front of you. “Thank Pinkie for being such a good cook.” You take a few bites out of the steak before you feel yourself getting a little full. You decide to move on, hoping that whatever’s next is as good as that was.

“You think THAT was good? Hah!” says Rainbow Dash. “This is REAL food.” You walk over and inspect her plate. She’s been made into little tubes of meat, shoved into buns and covered in a mixture of sauces and toppings. Some have ground meat and cheese on them. She looks awfully proud of herself. “Gilda told me about these in flight school, told me they were her favourite when she was little. Go on, try ‘em out!”
“Ok, sure. They look kinda funny though…oh wait a minute, I just remembered! Two secs, Rainbow.” You say. You walk back over to the front of the table and pick up the bag you brought from upstairs, before hurrying over. You take out her spare part and place it next to her plate. She looks at you wide-eyed as the heads around the table start to mutter and giggle.

“Spike, what are you doing? That’s my…you know! My thing!” she says, in a loud stage whisper.

“So being ground up into little meat tubes is fine, but bringing you back the parts you were missing isn’t?” you say, smiling. “Besides, no one can see it if I place it here, they’re all turned in the other direction.”

“I can see it!” says Pinkie Pie. “It’s super cute! I wouldn’t put it so close to those hot dogs though, looks kinda…”

“Pinkie!”

Everyone laughs, including you, as Rainbow sits there fuming. You take a bun and bite into it. It’s actually pretty decent, and you quickly wolf down a couple before moving on to Pinkie, hoping that you don’t go on to regret eating so much so early in the day. When you see what lies on Pinkie’s plate, you can’t help but laugh again.

“Let me guess: Pinkie Pie?”

“Yup!” she says. You really shouldn’t have expected anything else. You slice into it with a knife and fork. The idea of meat in a pie kind of weirds you out, but you play along and take a few bites. It’s filled with some sort of rich gravy as well as her meat. Tasty, but extremely filling. You only manage a another few bites before signalling that you’re finally full.

"Awww, am I not tasty?" asked Pinkie.

"Oh no, you're uh, great, Pinkie!" you say, reassuring her. “But if I eat another bite then I think Twi will have to cast that reforming spell on me as well” . You sit down heavily on a chair and rub your somewhat bloated stomach with your claws.

“Are you sure about that, Spike?” says Pinkie. “Because you’re forgetting something. Or rather…somepony.” You look up and, sure enough, you notice a sixth platter in the middle of the table that has somehow escaped your attention until now. It’s covered with a large silver lid. Rarity’s horn lights up and pushes it towards you with her magic. You grab the lid, feeling nervous for some bizarre reason (or perhaps just really full) and pull the lid up.

“Hi Spike!” says Twilight’s head. The top of her skull has been removed, exposing her brain, which has been doused with what looks like strawberry sauce, sprinkles and covered some slices of banana. “I’m your dessert, haha!”

“Wow…you really went all out for this.” You say, picking up a fresh spoon.

“Well, you deserve it. You’ve been wonderfully mature and helpful considering all the…well, crazy stuff that’s been happening. I think giving you a little treat like this is the least we can do."

"Thanks, Twi." you say, rubbing the back of your head bashfully. A little part of you feels a little ashamed. If she knew what you had gotten up to, maybe she wouldn't have been so willing to try this...

"And this will give me a good opportunity to try a new version of that spell I learned from the Princess!”

“Really?” you say, taking a spoonful of brain and chowing down on it. It’s the weirdest tasting think you’ve eaten so far, but in a way, just the idea of what you’re eating makes it worthwhile. You’re literally devouring Twilight’s consciousness. Her eyes twitch a little as you continue, and she attempts to explain her magical theory.

“Well, the previous spell works by creating new…uh…what’s the word…” she says, eyes rolling around either in thought or just as a result of your eating.

“Matter?” you suggest, taking another helping and chewing it up.

“Yeah, something like that, hehe! I make it new again with magic!” she says. “Hahaha. But if you eat my…brains? I can’t do it well…”
“I see.” You say, digging your spoon into her grey matter some more, scraping it against the walls of her skull. “So you’ve prepared something to help counter that?”

“Yessee! I make magic good better” says Twilight, going gradually more cross-eyed. “Uh…me not think it good now. Hahaha.” She added. Then she blew a raspberry with her tongue. From that point on her conversational skills only went further south as you finished off the rest of her brain, somehow finding room for the entire thing despite the literally feast you had went through beforehand. When you’re finished she’s staring blankly ahead, lolling her tongue and making random sounds.

“Ok, now I’m definitely done.” you say, belching. You pick up Twilight’s head, which now feels very light in your claws, and study her vacant but happy face. “So, now what? I didn’t really catch what she was saying.”

“Oh, Twilight explained it to us before, darling.” says Rarity, calmly. “She said that she had put her spell on a timer of sorts, so that it would go off at a certain time. In fact if my calculations are correct, it should be any moment now!”

“Really? That’s convenient.”

“Well you know Twilight, she’s good at planning.”

You wait a little while for the spell to kick in. After a few minutes of silence, punctuated by the brainless Twilight’s babbling, you look across uneasily at the others.

“You…sure this will work?” you ask.

“Just hold on a minute, Spike, she’ll be back in action in a jiffy.” Assures Applejack.

After another five minutes, you start to tap your foot and exchange worried glances with the others.

“Uh….so….”

“Aaaaany second now!” says Pinkie.

About ten minutes later, Twilight’s friends start to panic.

“We’re doomed! I’m gonna be hot dogs for the rest of my life!” wails Rainbow, as the other heads start chattering hysterically. She looks sadly at her detached genitals lying near her. “I hope we can still be friends…”

“Everyone calm down, don’t panic!” you say, raising your voice above the din. You try to get their attention by waving your arms for silence, forgetting that you were holding Twilight’s head in your claw, but luckly she doesn't seem to mind that.You gingerly put her back down on the table before continuing. “It’s ok, remember that Twilight’s not the only one that knows this spell.” Rarity gasps.

“You don’t mean…”

“Yup.” you say, nodding and folding your arms across your chest. “Looks like I have a letter to write..."