Deadpool: Equestria's Hero?

"Yo! I think I should establish something. This story's got blood, guts, and lame sex jokes up the wazoo! Heh, I said wazoo. Like the totally kickass movie about me, it's not for the weak of heart."

"To anyone wondering. I am writing this in my convenient journal that Twilight gave to me. We'll see if this becomes a theme every chapter to begin with. Who would'a thought I'd be using this as a fourth-wall framing device? Besides me of course."

"Basically, we're starting at the beginning of this tale. The story of how those X-Men teacher's pets tried to snub my fucking redemption."

Deadpool sat on the roof of a building, swinging his legs back and forth as he waited for something. He bobbed his head to the vulgar rap playing on his walkie-talkie radio in boredom, taking the time to write something on a piece of paper. He turned his head to the side and greeted an audience, "Oh, hello there."

"You might be wondering why this is like the beginning to my movie." Deadpool pointed at an invisible camera, "Well, that's because the author is an unoriginal tool that can't come up with a brilliant Oscar worthy prologue to a story of such a high-caliber." he raised a finger, "And because it's to show how awesome I am."

Deadpool looked down, "Basically, I've heard from a few... resources that there are asshats trying to take some random scientific mumbo-jumbo prototype from a big megacorp. Is it Trask Industries being morons? I dunno. But it's a big deal, which is why yours truly is here. Couldn't afford Wolverine to get this job done."

The mercenary heard the sound of a car speeding. "Well, this is my stop! This shit's gonna be more nuts!"

"Maximum Effort!"

The assassin dived downward into the sun roof, breaking apart thr glass window into shards. He saw mercenaries wielding a variety of weapons in there and began to kick ass. He kicked the driver, slamming his head onto the wheel, making him honk the horn for a second. Someone with a metal arm tried to choke Deadpool, but he used a small knife to slit him in the throat, creating a large wound to kill him by bleeding out. The insane hero gasped. "Alright, you group of numbnuts! Where is that random junk you stole?"

"You'll never get it." the man in the passenger's seat declared, aiming a pistol at Deadpool. Wade raised his hands at the gun being at him and his masked eyes went wide.

"Oh no..." he faked gasped, "How did you know guns were my weakness? Whatever shall I do?!"

Before the mercenary pulled the trigger, Deadpool grabbed his own pistol and shot him directly in the center of his forehead. "Oops. Looks like I lied. Aaahhh!" he screamed, feeling a serious stinging pain in his chest, making him flinch. He looked down, seeing the tip of a blade covered in red protruding his chest.

"Damn it." muttered Wade, more annoyed than anything. He reached for his back and pulled it out, stabbing the culprit in the back before they could react, "Ah. That felt good." he looked behind him, giving the driver a wedgie before stabbing him and taking the wheel, spinning the car out of control.

"You're not getting that science stuff, mooks!" Deadpool bragged while sitting on the lap of the driver he killed, pressing his foot harder on the wheel.

He turned the car through traffic in the highway, causing the police to intervene to block off that lane. "How convenient for my epic batte." commented Deadpool, seeing the scene through the rear-view mirror for a second.

The vehicle skidded to halt after spinning. "Woo! So glad that went better than last time. No corpses on highway signs. New record!" he cheered, hopping out of the seat. He scoured around the back of the car to look for something.

"Aha!"

In his hand was a glowing metal orb, "Wow. It looks like something that belongs in a big-budget space opera. Yoink!" he said, putting it in his pocket.

To get out, Deadpool kicked open a trunk. He was expecting a few things. An empty street. Maybe people celebrating his victory in anorher crime foiled. But he wasn't expecting the tall metal man and teenage girl, both of them wearing yellow similar looking uniforms. The metal man crossed his arms in disappointment.

"Wade."

"What the shit, Colossus? I had this covered!" Deadpool shouted, hopping out of the car onto the street. "Why are you even here? I didn't do anything!"

"News." said the teenager, "You really should be subtle in hijacking and skydiving."

"Shut up, Negasonic Teenage Warhead!" scolded the Merc with a Mouth. "I didn't need an answer."

Colossus furrowed a brow, "Deadpool. Why continue the slaughter? It is unnecessary. I thought you were trying to be better for Vanessa?" he asked.

"I am! She doesn't care unless I'm evil. And let's be real, they would've gotten away if it hadn't been for me unaliving them." Deadpool elaborated, putting his hands on his hips. "So thank me later."

"We were already following the car in the X-Jet." Negasonic commented.

Deadpool groaned, "Damn it! Y'know what?" he reached into his pocket, showing the X-Men the orb. "I got this. I am taking this for myself so no evildoer shall ever use this!"

"No, Deadpool. I shall take it back to the mansion under the protection of the X-Men." Colossus declared, reaching for it. Wade slapped his hand away, making sure not to break his limbs again. "It is a trans-dimensional modifier. It allows travel across dimensions if twisted. That is too dangerous in the black market."

Deadpool held the orb tighter, "Hey! In that case, why not send this baby to another dimension?" he twisted the device, causing it to glow even brighter, "Say goodbye, night bright!"

Negasonic sat on the rail, choosing to stay out of the conflict while Colossus spoke. "Deadpool. It is unstable. That is why we cannot se it like that."

"Oh like anything bad--"

The X-Men and mercenary vanished suddenly before Deadpool could finish speaking.

"--Will happen."

Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead looked at their new surroundings, finding themselves in a blue large room that made them look like they shrunk. The two X-Men looked down and saw that they were standing on a crystal surface of sorts. Deadpool did not notice this change.

"And further more!"

"Deadpool." Colossus lightly said.

Wade growled, "Nope. I will not have my authority judged now! I'm not some lameass teacher's pet for McAvoy or Stewart or whoever the hell Xavier is in this timeline! I am my own vigilante!"

"Deadpool." the metal X-Man continued, but Wade raised a hand.

"Plus you're a metal man! How do you have bed fun times? Mustn't be fun for the one night stand am I right?"

Negasonic yelled, "Hey, douchebag!"

"What?!" Deadpool paused.

The three got a look at the random audience. There were seven very confused ponies of different neon colors and a dragon. Three had horns, two had wings, two had none. The third horned pony had wings as well. The dragon was purple and green. Each of them were sitting on crystal chairs that circled the crystal object they were standing on, their jaws agape at the arguing strangers that suddenly appeared.

Of course this left Deadpool with a few choice words.

"What the shit?"